Relationships: You Can't "Fix" Your Partner. Focus on Yourself Instead

Many people believe they can change partner into being the person they want them to be. They believe that love alone will change their partner into being the partner they want. But trying to "fix" your partner is usually doomed to failure if they don't want to change.

You Can't "Fix" Your Partner

Why You Can't Change Your Partner If They Don't Want to Change

• Change Must Be Internally Motivated: Your partner needs to have internal motivation to change for lasting change to occur. They might change temporarily to appease you, but for lasting change to occur, they need to be internally motivated.

• Deep-seated Behavior is Difficult to Change: Behavior which is rooted in the past isn't easily changed just because you want your partner to change.

• Your Pressure Can Create Resentment: You might think you can "fix" your partner, but your partner might resent you for it, which makes change even harder.

• Love Isn't a Motivator For Change: If you're telling your partner they would change if they loved you, you're not understanding how change occurs. They can't do it for you--no matter how much they love you. They need to want to do it for themself.

What Can You Do Instead of Pressuring Your Partner to Change?

• Change Your Own "Dance Steps": Instead of focusing on changing your partner, focus on changing yourself. The late Sue Johnson, Ph.D., who developed Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples, talked about the "EFT Tango" as a metaphor for the dance that couples do as part of the structured interventions that couples do together. She advised clients to change their own "dance steps" regardless of what the other partner does. When you change your own "dance steps", you change the dynamic in your relationship. This opens up a space for your partner to change--if they want to change.

• Communicate Your Needs Clearly: Express your needs in a clear and vulnerable way. Expressing your needs is more effective than criticizing or nagging your partner.
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• Set Boundaries: Be clear on what you will and will not put up with, especially if your partner's behavior is hurtful to you (see my article: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Offer Support; Instead of criticizing or pressuring, offer your support for whatever change your partner is willing to make. Offering encouragement is different from trying to force change.

• Manage Your Expectations: Once you accept that you can't change your partner's behavior, you might experience a reduction in your resentment. This doesn't mean you have to put up with hurtful behavior. Instead, it means that you realize your partner has to want to change and until they do, you can't "fix" them.

• Decide If the Relationship Is Right For You: If you find yourself constantly wanting your partner to change, this could be a sign that you and your partner have different values and the relationship isn't right for you. You have to decide whether your partner's behavior is a dealbreaker for you.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the dynamics mentioned above. As always, this vignette is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality:

Agnes and Bill:

Five years into their marriage, Agnes realized Bill's drinking had increased over time.  He would often come home from a stressful day of work and spend the night drinking.

You Can't "Fix" Your Partner

When Agnes complained to Bill, she felt he was giving her lip service to stop drinking, but he continued to get drunk every night. No amount of nagging and complaining stopped his behavior. She told him that if he loved her, he would change, but this didn't work either--even though she knew he loved her very much.

When she realized she couldn't change Bill, Agnes decided to get support in her own individual therapy. Over time, Agnes realized in therapy that she couldn't change Bill's behavior because he didn't want to stop drinking, so she worked on improving her own life. She began working out at the gym, seeing friends more often and developing new hobbies.

After a while, Bill felt increasingly lonely as he watched Agnes' life flourish. Since he wanted to save his marriage and his doctor told him that his drinking had increased his blood pressure problems, he considered cutting back on alcohol. But when he realized he couldn't cut back on his own, he sought help in his own therapy with a therapist who was knowledgeable about alcoholism.

Gradually, Bill learned new coping skills and strategies in his individual therapy and he was able to stop drinking. 

When they were both ready, Bill and Agnes began couples therapy to improve their relationship. They both learned new tools so they could have a more meaningful relationship.

Conclusion

You can't change your partner unless they are internally motivated to change.

Instead of focusing on trying to "fix" your partner, focus on yourself.

Individual therapy can help you to focus on yourself and, eventually, to decide whether you want to remain in your relationship.

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than focusing on "fixing" your partner, get help in individual therapy to work on yourself.

Get Help in Therapy

Individual therapy can help you to develop the tools and strategies you need to feel more confident and make major decisions.

If your partner is willing, you can both participate in couples therapy to work on your relationship. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.