Caregiving For a Depressed Mother as a Child and a Depressed Spouse as an Adult

People often unconsciously choose a spouse who has similar characteristics to one or both parents (see my article:  Overcoming the Guilt You Feel For Not Being Able to Heal Your Parent's Emotional Wounds and How to Stop Being the "Rescuer" in Your Family of Origin).

Caregiving For a Depressed Mother as a Child and a Depressed Spouse as an Adult

A child, who was the emotional caregiver for a depressed parent, will often unconsciously choose a spouse who is depressed and recreate a similar caregiving dynamic with the spouse.

The following fictionalized vignette illustrates how these patterns are repeated and how therapy can help:

Emma
Emma grew up in a loving, nurturing home.  She was the youngest of three children in a close-knit extended family.  Both parents were actively involved in the children's lives, although the father was often away on business.

Emma's mother was well liked by her neighbors for her kindness and generosity.  She was very proud of Emma and Emma's sisters, and she instilled confidence in them.  She encouraged their curiosity and creativity, and she taught them that they could be whatever they wanted to be.

As the youngest, Emma was closest to her mother.  By the time Emma was about to start school, her sisters were already involved in high school activities and out of the house most of the time.  As a result, Emma spent a lot of time alone with her mother.

Emma's Mother: Caregiving For a Depressed Mother as a Child and a Depressed Spouse as an Adult

For a young child, Emma was especially perceptive, and she realized that her mother was depressed--even though her mother was loving and active in Emma's life and she tried her best to hide her depression from Emma and the rest of the family.

Emma worried about her mother, and she spent most of her time at home trying to enliven her mother and make her laugh. There were days when Emma's jokes and funny stories seemed to lift her mother's mood.  But there were other days when it seemed that nothing Emma could do would lift her mother's spirits and Emma felt very sad on those days.

As Emma got older and she developed friendships and outside interests, she continued to feel that her primary responsibility was to lift her mother's spirits. Realizing that Emma felt overly responsible for her, her mother would encourage Emma to pursue her friendships and interests.  She didn't want Emma to sacrifice her happiness.

By the time Emma graduated from high school, she felt deeply ambivalent about going away to college, even though her parents and older sisters encouraged her.  She worried that her mother would sink into an even deeper depression if she wasn't around to try to enliven her.

She had a hard time adjusting to being away from home during her first year at college, and she took every opportunity to go home on weekends to spend time with her mother.  She would also often bring home friends that she thought would be entertaining for her mother.

In her junior year, she met Tom.  She liked that Tom was a serious philosophy major, who was intelligent, knowledgeable and curious.  Soon they were spending a lot of time together.

Emma's friends at college teased her about Tom because they thought he was dour.  But Emma brushed off their criticism and told them that they didn't know him, they were judging him only from his outer appearance, and they couldn't appreciate all of the qualities that she saw in him.

Soon after they graduated college, Emma and Tom got married and began working. Emma found her dream job working as a journalist.  But Tom was unable to find the type of job he hoped for after he graduated college.  Part of the problem was that he had definite ideas of what he wanted and refused to compromise.  As a result, he did temp work.

Emma and Tom: Caregiving For a Depressed Mother as a Child and a Depressed Spouse as an Adult

Emma was very aware that Tom felt depressed and discouraged about his work situation, so she refrained from gushing about her work.  Instead, she tried to be emotionally supportive of Tom, but he didn't respond well to her trying to lift his spirits.  He would become annoyed with her and mostly wanted to spend time alone.

This left Emma feeling lonely and helpless, and when she tried to talk to Tom about it, he refused to address the problems between them.  He expressed his resentment that she was so happy with her work, and he felt miserable.

Soon, Emma was spending most of her free time with her friends because Tom refused to go out.  She was deeply concerned about Tom and their marriage, but there was nothing that she could do.

As time went on, Emma was promoted into a more responsible position with a big salary increase. She was also given more interesting assignments.  But Tom continued to stagnate.  Emma encouraged him to get help in therapy, but he refused to go.

Two years later, their marriage was over.  Tom moved out to live with his parents across the country, and Emma was in despair.

Shortly after that, Emma began therapy to try to understand what happened and to pick up the pieces of her life.  Her psychotherapist helped Emma to see how she had been in a similar dynamic with Tom as she had been with her mother.

Although Emma's mother and Tom experienced their depression in different ways and had their own unique responses to Emma's attempts at caregiving, they elicited similar responses in Emma.

While she was in therapy, Emma also saw her blind spots about Tom.  Looking back with the perspective of time, she realized that there were signs before she got married that Tom was depressed and rigid in his thinking, but she didn't want to see these traits.  She also saw her role in the demise of their marriage and how she infantilized Tom.

Emma grieved in therapy for the loss of her marriage as she went through the divorce process.  She also learned in therapy that she had a propensity to be a caregiver in a relationship due to her early relationship with her mother, and she would need to be much more aware of this in the future so she would not repeat the same patterns.

Conclusion
Emotional dynamics between parents and children are developed at an early age.

As in the fictionalized vignette above, these dynamics are often unconscious for both parent and child.

When a child grows up feeling emotionally responsible for a parent, this often sets up the possibility for similar dynamics in adult relationships on an unconscious level, which often leads to problems in the relationship for both individuals.

Getting Help in Therapy
Both people in the relationship need to be willing to change these unhealthy dynamics to make healthy changes.

It can be very challenging to overcome these dynamics on your own, even if one or both people are aware of them and willing to change, which is why working with a skilled psychotherapist can be helpful.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome unhealthy emotional patterns in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Care For Caregivers - Part 3: Tips For Self Care

In my two prior blog articles, I introduced the topic of self care for caregivers as well as common emotional reactions that caregivers have (see links below for these articles).  In this blog article, I'll focus on tips for self care (see my articles: Self Care For Caregivers - Part 1 and Self Care For Caregivers - Part 2 - Caregivers' Common Emotional Reactions).

Self Care Tips For Caregivers

Self Compassion
Having compassion for yourself as a caretaker is very important.  It's important to be aware that you're going through a difficult time.  Many caregivers either override their emotional reactions or they try to push themselves harder, often leading to chronic stress or burnout.

Chronic stress can lead to many other medical and psychological problems, including heart problems, migraines, diabetes, autoimmune disorders, depression and anxiety.

If a close friend or loved one was going through a similar situation, you would have compassion for him or her, so why not for yourself?

If you allow for self compassion, in my opinion, you're more likely to take care of yourself, so here are some tips that can be useful.

Ask for Help
This is a time when it's important to have a good support network.  Whether you ask for help from family members or friends, don't be ashamed to admit that you can't do everything.  Admit that you're human and, as humans, we all have certain limitations.  Others might want to help, but they might not know what you need, so you need to communicate clearly and specifically what you need.

Aside from loved ones, you might also ask for help from your local church or organizations that are set up to provide respite care.  For instance, the Alzheimer's Association in certain areas provides respite care that can make all the difference in the world.

At the same time, be aware that some people might not be able to help due to the circumstances in their own lives.

Stay Healthy
Taking care of a loved one can make you feel exhausted, stressed and emotionally and physically depleted.  It's important to eat healthy meals, get enough sleep, engage in physical exercise that's right for you, and to have regular medical checkups for yourself for preventive healthcare.

Participate in Support Groups (if you can)
If you're fortunate enough to have support groups in your area, you could benefit from the mutual support available in such a group.  Many organizations, like the Alzheimer's Association and Cancer Care, have support groups.  If you don't have support groups in your area that meet in person, you might be able to find a support group that meets online.  Just knowing and hearing about other caregivers who are having similar experiences can help you to cope better with your situation.

Write in a Journal
Journaling about your feelings when you're going through a difficult time, can help you to release pent up emotions.

Self Care Tips For Caregivers: Write in a Journal

Journaling can also help you to clarify your thoughts and emotions.  You might even discover, as you journal, that there are some bright spots in your experience that you might overlook if you don't take the time to reflect and write about your experiences.  In addition, you might also capture in writing certain poignant moments with your loved one that you can treasure in the future.

Get Help in Therapy
When you attend therapy with a skilled therapist, your session is completely focused on you.  This is so important in terms of your self care when you're a caregiver and your time and energy are mostly focused on someone else.  By participating in therapy, not only can you learn how to cope better as a caregiver, but you can get the emotional support that you need.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I provide therapy to individual adults and couples in an empathetic and supportive environment.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Care For Caregivers - Part 2: Caregivers' Common Emotional Reactions

In my prior blog article, I introduced the topic of  Self Care For Caregivers - Part 1 and indicated that I will be discussing different aspects of how caregivers are affected by their responsibilities as well as what they can do with regard to self care so they don't neglect their own health and well-being (see my article: Self Care For Caregivers - Tips For Self Care).

Self Care For Caregivers: Common Emotional Reactions

In this blog article, I'll be focusing on caregivers' common emotional reactions in an effort to help caregivers recognize that not only are these emotions common, but they are completely normal and to be expected.

As a caregiver, you might not experience every single one of these emotional reactions, but you probably will experience many of them.  I believe it's helpful for caregivers to know that there are many other people who are in the same role who are experiencing similar reactions.  Knowing that millions of other people either have gone through or are going through a similar experience can provide some relief.

Caregivers' Common Emotional Reactions

Here are just some of the most common reactions:

• Sadness: When you're taking care of a loved, it's normal to feel sad for your loved one as well as for yourself and other close friends and relatives who are affected by your loved one's illness.  If you feel sad for more than two weeks, you might be depressed and in need of professional mental health care to keep the depression from possibly developing into a debilitating problem.

• Loneliness: Taking care of a loved one can make you feel isolated and lonely.  When you're a primary caregiver, it's hard to believe that anyone else could understand what you're going through, even if they tell you that they've had similar experiences.

• Anger and Frustration: Anger is a common reaction when you're a caregiver.  You might feel angry with the disease or disorder that's making your loved one sick, angry at medical or psychological professionals involved in your loved one's care, and angry with friends and family.  You might feel angry with "fate" or "God" for "allowing" this situation to occur.  At times, you might feel angry with your loved one for being sick,  You might even feel angry with yourself at times.  You might feel, even with all objective evidence to the contrary, that you're not doing enough and you should be making a super human effort to "fix" the situation, even if this is impossible.

• Fear: Fear is a common reaction to overwhelming events.  You might be worried about being able to handle your responsibilities for your loved one as well as for yourself and other family members.  You might be afraid of what will happen next and if you're emotionally and physically prepared for it.  There can be so many other fears involved with taking care of a loved one.

• Guilt: Along with feeling angry with yourself, you might also feel guilty for a variety of reasons.  You might feel angry and guilty, as mentioned above, that you're not doing enough for your loved one.  You might also feel guilty for wanting a reprieve from your caregiving responsibilities.  Of course, this is a normal response when you're a caregiver.

• Grief: Whether you're grieving for the decline of your loved one's health or for how your life "used to be" before your loved one had a health crisis, grief is a common response for caregivers.

Related Articles:

Self Care For Caregivers - Part 1

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're a caregiver who feels overwhelmed, you're having a common reaction to a difficult situation, and you owe it to yourself, as well as your family, to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping caregivers through a difficult time.  

Getting help might not change the external circumstances of your life, but it can be very beneficial to your emotional health and well-being and your loved ones.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many caregivers to get through the emotional challenges involved with taking care of loved ones.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Care for Caregivers - Part 1

Becoming a caregiver for someone you love is often an unplanned and sudden event.  Whether you are the caregiver for your spouse, lover, parent, child or someone else in your life who is dear to you, you might find yourself suddenly in a situation where you feel totally unprepared to juggle the various demands of taking care of your loved one while trying to manage the countless details of daily life.

Self Care For Caregivers

Primary Caregivers Often Forget to Take Care of Themselves
When you're the primary caregiver for a loved one, it's easy to forget to take care of yourself.  You might forget about your own health and well-being.  And, yet, if you neglect your own health, you could easily become sick, and you won't be able to do the things you need to do for yourself--let alone try to take care of your loved one.

To suddenly find yourself in the role of a primary caregiver can derail you both physically and emotionally.  Most people don't have the luxury of putting aside the rest of their lives to focus exclusively on being a caregiver, so being a caregiver can feel overwhelming.

In upcoming blog articles, I'll focusing be on the importance of self care for caregivers and steps that you can take to take care of yourself (see my articles: Self Care For Caregivers - Part 2: Caregivers' Common Emotional Reactions, Self Care For Caregivers - Part 3 - Tips For Self Care

Emotional Support for Caregivers
One of the most important aspects of self care is having emotional support.  Being able to talk to supportive friends and family who are willing to listen can help to ease some of the emotional burden.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people find it helpful to talk to a psychotherapist, who is objective and impartial.  A therapist, who has experience helping primary caregivers, can help you to cope with the emotional strain of taking care of your loved one as well as balancing his or her needs with your needs.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have worked with many clients who were primary caregivers and helped them to take care of their own needs.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

When Someone You Love Has Alzheimer's Disease

One of the most difficult things to deal with in life is to watch someone you love deteriorate over time because of Alzheimer's disease.  Currently, there is no cure for Alzheimer's.  There are medications that can slow the progression of the disease, but they cannot stop it from ravaging the brain.  Since there is no cure, you can feel extremely helpless watching someone you love get worse and not being able to do anything about it.

Alzheimer's is a "rule out" disease, which means that other medical problems must be eliminated first in order for a medical doctor to diagnosis someone with Alzheimer's.  Over time, Alzheimer's causes memory loss, usually starting with short term memory and eventually progressing to long term memory.

In the early stages, it can be hard to detect because it can look like many other medical problems, which is why other disorders and diseases must be ruled out first.  As Alzheimer's progresses, it will eventually affect a person's ability to perform basic tasks, like taking care of themselves.  It will also, in the advanced stage, affect their ability to speak and walk.  People with advanced Alzheimer's often have poor judgment.  It affects mood, so the person often becomes irritable or loses his or her temper.

If you have a loved one that has Alzheimer's, you need emotional support.  Taking care of someone with Alzheimer's can wear you down.  It's painful to watch someone who was a very vibrant and capable person before Alzheimer's, deteriorate.  Your loved one might not even seem to be the same person that you've always known.  He or she might not recognize you and lash out at you.  At those times, you might feel very alone and need help yourself.

The Alzheimer's Association is a wonderful resource.  They provide support to caregivers on so many levels:  emotional as well as educational.  Participating in one of their support groups with other people who have loved ones with Alzheimer's can be very helpful.  Being around others who are going through what you're going through can be a tremendous relief, so you don't feel so alone.

The Alzheimer's Association also provides free meetings to help you with financial and legal questions. Elder care attorneys present legal information that affect people who have spouses, parents or other relatives with Alzheimer's.  In addition, the Alzheimer's Association has a virtual library online so you can educate yourself.

Also, see When Someone You Love Has Alzheimer's Disease - Part 2:  http://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2012/09/when-someone-you-love-has-alzheimers_20.html. 

If you have a loved one with Alzheimer's, don't go it alone.  Contact the Alzheimer's Association near you and get support.

To contact the Alzheimer's Association, you can go to their website:  http://Alz.org.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

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