Anger as a Secondary Emotion

In a prior article, Boredom as a Secondary Emotion, I introduced the concept of secondary emotions as it relates to boredom.  

I also discussed how secondary emotions often mask other emotions, like anger, sadness, fear, shame, and so on. 

Anger can also be a secondary emotion that masks other emotions. The emotions that are being defensively masked by anger are often unconscious.

Anger as a Secondary Emotion

Anger as a Secondary Emotion
The following fictional vignette illustrates how anger can be a secondary emotion in a relationship and the importance of each person in the relationship being able to identify these emotions, understand the emotional triggers underlying emotions involved, the roots of these emotions which can go back to early childhood, and how to communicate with each other based on the underlying emotions:

Bess and Ken
As a last ditch effort to save their marriage, Bess and Ken begin couples counseling to deal with their tumultuous relationship.

Anger as a Secondary Emotion

They both agree that frequent arguments throughout their five year marriage has eroded their relationship to the point where they are considering getting a divorce.

From Ken's perspective, Bess has a problem with anger management.  Whenever he has to work late or travel for business, Bess becomes enraged.  

Before they got married, he told her that his job involved long hours and frequent travel, so he feels she is being unreasonable.  He feels it's impossible to communicate with her when she gets angry, and he stopped even trying.  

From Bess' point of view, Ken is dismissive of her feelings.  When she tries to tell him that she feels lonely in their relationship, he tells her that she shouldn't feel that way, which feels dismissive to her.  When he dismisses her feelings, she feels frustrated and angry (see my article: Loneliness and Lack of Intimacy in a Relationship).

Before they got married, Bess says Ken promised that he would search for another job that didn't involve so many long hours and travel, but he never tried to find another job.  She feels that he actually likes being away from her much of the time, and all of this makes her feel like she's not important to him.  If he would listen to her and consider her feelings, she wouldn't get so angry.

Aside from the usual ground rules about the fee, the cancellation policy, and similar issues, their couples counselor set some ground rules for their sessions, including that they have to actively listen to what their spouse said without being judgmental and without interrupting.

Then, the couples counselor turns to Ken and asks him what he heard Bess say.  Initially, he looks surprised that he is being asked this, and then he admits that he has heard Bess complain so much over the years that he barely listens to her anymore.  But he is aware that she doesn't like that he is away from her so much and that she blames him for not finding another job.  What Bess didn't know, he explains, is that he has been looking for another job, but he hasn't found anything yet.

He tells the couples counselor that he wishes that Bess wasn't so "needy," but then he catches himself, he acknowledges that he is being judgmental and apologizes to Bess, who looks upset, "This is what I have to deal with all the time from Ken.  Instead of trying to understand how I feel, he criticizes me for being 'needy' or 'acting like a baby.'  There's no getting through to him."

After getting Ken's and Bess' family history over the next couple of sessions, the couples counselor provides them with psychoeducation about their attachment styles.

See my articles:  

Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation

How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

She explains that it's common for people with certain attachment styles to come together. For instance, people with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style often get together with the dismissive-avoidant attachment style.

Ken laughs, "The dismissive-avoidant attachment style sounds like me.  I never wanted to get married, but when I met Bess, I fell in love and I knew that I would lose her if we didn't get married."

Bess says hesitantly, "I guess the anxious-preoccupied style sounds like me.  I knew Ken didn't want to get married and, on some level, I think he resents marrying me."

Throughout the next few months, the couples counselor teaches Ken and Bess to de-escalate so that their arguments don't get to the level where they're shouting at each other.  They both become more considerate of each other, and Ken makes an effort to come home early from work more often and he sends a subordinate on some of the business trips.

The couples counselor also teaches them to recognize what emotions get triggered for each of them before they argue.

Ken recognizes that he is dismissive, in part, because he feels helpless whenever Bess gets upset about his time away from home.  He sees that, rather than feeling helpless, he shuts down emotionally and accuses Bess of being "needy" and "immature" but, in reality, he can't stand feeling helpless.  It feels "unmanly" to him.

They were able to explore the origin of Ken's feelings about masculinity and how "a man should be." When Ken was growing up, his father hardly showed any emotion, positive or negative, so Ken learned that in order for "a man to be a man," he should never feel helpless.  Now, as difficult as it is  for him to admit it, he's able to see that it's not reasonable to say that men should be allowed to have certain emotions.

Listening to Ken, Bess was touched and she placed her hand over his as an affectionate gesture.  Ken seems surprised and he clasps Bess' hand in his.

When it was Bess' turn, she said she had no idea that, underneath his dismissive attitude, Ken was feeling helpless. If she had known that, she said, she would have been more compassionate towards him.  She reiterates that she feels angry and frustrated whenever Ken dismisses her feelings.

The couples counselor helps Bess to dig deeper beyond her anger, and Bess realizes that underneath her anger she feels hurt and abandoned, feelings that were familiar to her from her childhood whenever her parents went away and left her with her grandmother.

Bess realizes that it feels "safer" to her to feel angry as opposed to feeling hurt and abandoned, which makes her feel too emotionally vulnerable.

The couples counselor explains the concept of secondary emotions and how these emotions often mask other more vulnerable feelings like sadness or shame.

Anger as a Secondary Emotion

Gradually, Bess and Ken learn to trust each other again, and they allow themselves to feel and express their more vulnerable feelings.

After they completed couples counseling, they each sought their own individual psychotherapist to work on unresolved childhood issues that were getting triggered in their relationship (see my article: Relationships: Unresolved Childhood Issues Can Create Conflict).

Conclusion
Anger is often a secondary emotion.  Secondary emotions, like anger, often mask other more vulnerable feelings like sadness, fear, and shame.

These underlying feelings are usually unconscious and the secondary emotions are used as a defense to ward off the more vulnerable feelings.

When each person in a relationship is struggling with secondary emotions, they often keep looping in the same arguments without a resolution because they're not dealing with the core feelings.

Getting Help in Therapy
The underlying emotions beyond the secondary emotion is usually hard to detect on your own, especially if you're stuck in a destructive dynamic with a spouse or significant other.  Each person digs in their heels and nothing changes (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help individuals and couples to become aware of their particular dynamics, including their attachment styles, identify emotional triggers, discover the underlying emotions, and work towards having a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy: When the Past is in the Present

Many psychotherapy clients ask me why they continue to feel so bad about a trauma that occurred many years ago.  Most people assume that "the past is in the past." But when you have unresolved trauma, the past is definitely in the present and can get triggered by present day circumstances.  I provided an example of this phenomenon in my prior blog article, EMDR - Overcome Trauma That Keeps You Feeling Stuck and in Emotional Pain.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

Let's explore this further to try to understand how traumatic memories from the past can get triggered in your current life.

A Veteran With PTSD Can Get Triggered By a Loud Noise
The example that's often given is of a veteran who comes home from combat with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and gets triggered by a loud noise, like the sound of a car back firing.

The loud noise triggers a trauma response.  Depending upon the severity of the veteran's PTSD, he or she could have a range of responses from a mild startle response to diving for cover as if he or she is still on the battle field.

The Body Reacts Before the Mind in Dangerous Situations
The interesting thing is that when a person reacts to the trauma, his or her body reacts first before the mind reacts.

This is true not only for traumatized veterans who are reacting to memories that get triggered, but also for everyone who is in a potentially dangerous situation whether it's in the past or the present.

Having the body react first before the mind when you're actually in current danger can be very useful.

For instance, if you're in the woods and a bear begins to run after you, your body will react first by pumping adrenaline through out your body and usually your legs will start running before your mind even has time to process the thought, "Oh no!  A bear is running after me!"


If you had to wait for your rational mind to react first before your body reacted by running, you might end up as the bear's lunch.  That's why, under circumstances of present danger, it's better for your body to react first because your body knows what to do--run like the wind!

"Is It a Stick or a Snake?"
Another example of the body reacting before the mind is one I remember hearing from Nancy Napier, LMFT in Somatic Experiencing trauma training.

The example is this:  Imagine yourself hiking in the woods when your eye catches something in your path and your body has an automatic response of jumping back.  Only after your body has reacted will your mind ask the question, "Is this a stick or a snake?"

There might be only a microsecond between your body reacting and your mind asking the question, but it's definitely more efficient and safer for the body to react first, especially if it really is a poisonous snake.  Then again, if you realize that it's really just a stick, you're relieved and you can keep walking.

Your Body and Mind Still React, Even When It's a Memory of the Traumatic Event and Not Actual Current Danger
When what you're feeling is the memory of a traumatic event, as opposed to being in actual danger in the present moment, your body will still react when it's triggered by a current event.

Depending upon the severity of your reaction, you could react with a fight, flight, or freeze reaction.  There would be a build up of adrenaline.  You might find yourself shaking and your heart pounding, but since you're not in actual danger at the moment, you won't be discharging this mobilized energy by running--the pent up energy will stay in the body.

If you're constantly being triggered in the present by traumatic memories, you can see how this isn't useful the way it is when you're confronted by a bear or the possibility of poisonous snake in the present moment and you would use that energy to flee.

When you react as if there is present danger when there's none and this happens over and over again, it can be exhausting on a physical and emotional level.  It can compromise your immune system and cause health problems.

There Are Many Different Types of Events That Can Cause PTSD
The example I gave above of the combat veteran, who gets triggered by a loud noise, is the classic example of PTSD.

But there are many different situations, aside from combat trauma, that can cause PTSD, including emotional abuse, physical or sexual abuse, car accidents, getting robbed or mugged, natural disaster, terrorism, and any other emotionally overwhelming event.

What is An Emotionally Overwhelming Event?
What is an emotionally overwhelming event?  It depends on the individual.

Two people can go through the same event and one person might develop a traumatic response and the other might not, depending upon many factors, including personal history, personality, and other factors.

An Overwhelming Event From Your Past Doesn't Have to Cause Full Blown PTSD to Get Triggered in the Present
What many people don't realize is that the overwhelming event doesn't have to cause PTSD in order to get triggered later on.  You don't have to meet the full diagnostic criteria for PTSD to have a traumatic response and get emotionally triggered.

There is what is known in trauma work as "Big T" and "Smaller T" trauma, which I explained in a prior blog article: EMDR and "Big T" and "Smaller T" Trauma.

When You Get Emotionally Triggered By a Memory, It Can Feel Like You're "Going Crazy"
Sometimes, the person who is feeling emotionally triggered might not even realize that they're being triggered by a memory of a traumatic event.  This can make the person feel like they're "going crazy."

So, when I work with clients who are confused by their emotional reactions, I educate them about how past memories can trigger emotional reactions in the present.

It's usually reassuring to clients to know that they're have a common reaction to the memory of an overwhelming event.

Getting Help
EMDR is a safe and effective form of trauma therapy when it is used by a skilled therapist.  

Rather than continuing to be triggered by past memories, you owe it to yourself to get help from an experienced EMDR therapist to resolve your trauma.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Self Care For Caregivers - Part 2: Caregivers' Common Emotional Reactions

In my prior blog article, I introduced the topic of  Self Care For Caregivers - Part 1 and indicated that I will be discussing different aspects of how caregivers are affected by their responsibilities as well as what they can do with regard to self care so they don't neglect their own health and well-being (see my article: Self Care For Caregivers - Tips For Self Care).

Self Care For Caregivers: Common Emotional Reactions

In this blog article, I'll be focusing on caregivers' common emotional reactions in an effort to help caregivers recognize that not only are these emotions common, but they are completely normal and to be expected.

As a caregiver, you might not experience every single one of these emotional reactions, but you probably will experience many of them.  I believe it's helpful for caregivers to know that there are many other people who are in the same role who are experiencing similar reactions.  Knowing that millions of other people either have gone through or are going through a similar experience can provide some relief.

Caregivers' Common Emotional Reactions

Here are just some of the most common reactions:

• Sadness: When you're taking care of a loved, it's normal to feel sad for your loved one as well as for yourself and other close friends and relatives who are affected by your loved one's illness.  If you feel sad for more than two weeks, you might be depressed and in need of professional mental health care to keep the depression from possibly developing into a debilitating problem.

• Loneliness: Taking care of a loved one can make you feel isolated and lonely.  When you're a primary caregiver, it's hard to believe that anyone else could understand what you're going through, even if they tell you that they've had similar experiences.

• Anger and Frustration: Anger is a common reaction when you're a caregiver.  You might feel angry with the disease or disorder that's making your loved one sick, angry at medical or psychological professionals involved in your loved one's care, and angry with friends and family.  You might feel angry with "fate" or "God" for "allowing" this situation to occur.  At times, you might feel angry with your loved one for being sick,  You might even feel angry with yourself at times.  You might feel, even with all objective evidence to the contrary, that you're not doing enough and you should be making a super human effort to "fix" the situation, even if this is impossible.

• Fear: Fear is a common reaction to overwhelming events.  You might be worried about being able to handle your responsibilities for your loved one as well as for yourself and other family members.  You might be afraid of what will happen next and if you're emotionally and physically prepared for it.  There can be so many other fears involved with taking care of a loved one.

• Guilt: Along with feeling angry with yourself, you might also feel guilty for a variety of reasons.  You might feel angry and guilty, as mentioned above, that you're not doing enough for your loved one.  You might also feel guilty for wanting a reprieve from your caregiving responsibilities.  Of course, this is a normal response when you're a caregiver.

• Grief: Whether you're grieving for the decline of your loved one's health or for how your life "used to be" before your loved one had a health crisis, grief is a common response for caregivers.

Related Articles:

Self Care For Caregivers - Part 1

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're a caregiver who feels overwhelmed, you're having a common reaction to a difficult situation, and you owe it to yourself, as well as your family, to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping caregivers through a difficult time.  

Getting help might not change the external circumstances of your life, but it can be very beneficial to your emotional health and well-being and your loved ones.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many caregivers to get through the emotional challenges involved with taking care of loved ones.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.