Experiential Psychotherapy: Overcoming the Secondary Emotion of Shame to Get to Core Issues

Shame is a secondary emotion when it masks deeper, underlying primary emotions (see my article: Healing Shame in Psychotherapy).  In this article, I'm focusing on how experiential therapy helps to get beyond secondary emotions, like shame, to work on primary emotions and core issues (see my article: Experiential Psychotherapy: Learning to Experience and Communicate About Your More Vulnerable Emotions).

Experiential Psychotherapy: Overcoming the Secondary Emotion of Shame to Get to Core Issues

Since making personal changes involves accessing vulnerable emotions (primary emotions) and communicating from this innermost place, avoiding these emotions is a significant obstacle to change (in this article, I will be using the terms: primary emotions, innermost emotions, vulnerable emotions and similar terms, interchangeably.  All of these terms refer to the same phenomenon).

Whether someone is in individual psychotherapy or in couple therapy, a skilled experiential psychotherapist can help the client to access and communicate from his or her primary emotions.

Experiential therapy is more effective than talk therapy for accessing underlying emotions.  Whether the experiential therapy is EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis (also known as hypnotherapy), AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) or EFT  (Emotionally Focused Therapy) for couples, each of these therapies emphasizes the importance of the mind-body connection, which allows access to primary emotions (see my article: Why Experiential Psychotherapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Experiential Psychotherapy - Overcoming the Secondary Emotion of Shame to Get to Core Issues

The following fictional clinical vignette, which is similar to many psychotherapy cases, illustrates how experiential therapy helps to get beyond secondary emotions, like shame, to access primary emotions, like sadness and hurt:

Tom

After several years of attending regular talk therapy, Tom decided to work with an experiential psychotherapist who used a mind-body oriented approach to therapy.  Although he felt he understood his problems better based on the talk therapy that he did, he continued to have the same problems in his relationship and he was no closer to resolving these issues--even though he understood them better (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Understanding Your Problems Isn't Enough).

Tom explained to his new experiential therapist that his wife often complained that he shut down emotionally whenever she wanted to talk to him about their relationship.  She told him that she was feeling increasingly frustrated that she couldn't talk to him and, as a result, she was feeling lonely in their relationship.  Rather than start with couple therapy, Tom's wife asked him to get help first in individual therapy to address this problem.

Tom acknowledged that this was not the first time that he had been told that he tends to shut down when relationship issues arise.  In fact, he said, two prior girlfriends told him the same thing, and his inability to remain emotionally present during these type of discussions led to the demise of those prior relationships.  Tom said he didn't want this problem to ruin his marriage, so he agreed to seek help in individual therapy.

When his new therapist asked Tom to recall a recent incident where his wife wanted to talk about their relationship and Tom avoided the conversation, Tom said that this occurred a few days ago.

His therapist asked him to go back into that memory and recall what he was experiencing physically and emotionally at the time.  After a few tries, Tom said, "I just can't do it.  It's too uncomfortable."

His therapist explained that, in order to address his problem, it would be necessary to revisit the experience in a visceral way.  She suggested that they could titrate the work into manageable pieces so that Tom wouldn't get overwhelmed.  

Specifically, she suggested that when Tom recalled the memory that he begin to sense into what he felt in his body and if he began to feel overwhelmed, he could take a break.  At first, Tom hesitated, but then he realized that he would rather experience some discomfort in therapy than continue having this problem and risk his marriage.  

So, Tom began again by recalling that he was sitting on the couch in the living room when his wife entered the room.  He remembered seeing a worried look on her face and when he saw this, his stomach muscles began to clinch.  He also remembered feeling queasy and thinking, "Uh-ho, this isn't going to be good."

At that point, Tom told the therapist that he needed to take a break from this memory because he was feeling queasy in the therapy session.  She agreed, so he opened his eyes and he felt better when he saw the look of compassion on his therapist's face.  He realized that his therapist was attuned to what he was experiencing and he wasn't alone in his experience.

When his queasiness subsided, Tom re-entered memory to recall what happened next.  He remembered that his wife came to sit next to him and she placed her hand on his arm saying, "We need to talk about our relationship."

Tom remembered, at that point, he felt physically numb all over his body.  At the same time, his heart was pounding in his chest, and he felt like he wanted to run out of the room.  He remembered thinking to himself, "She's onto me!  She realizes that I'm a failure as a husband and as a man and she wants to leave me!  What will I do if she leaves me?"

He remembered trying to stay calm--even though he wanted to bolt from the room.  At the same time, he told his wife that he was "tired" and he wasn't up to having this discussion.  But when he saw the look of disappointment on his wife's face, he knew he couldn't stay in the room anymore, and he got up abruptly and went for a walk.

As he was leaving the apartment, he remembered hearing his wife saying in a hurt tone, "We need to talk.  You never want to talk about our relationship."

When he returned a few hours later, Tom recalled that his wife was already asleep in their bedroom.  He didn't want to wake her, so he took his pillow and a blanket into the living room and laid down for a few sleepless hours, tossing and turning, before he finally fell asleep as the sun was coming up.

At the end of the session, his therapist asked Tom what it was like to re-experience these emotions in her presence.  Tom thought about it for a few seconds and he said that it wasn't as bad as he anticipated.  He said he appreciated being able to titrate the work and take a break when he felt overwhelmed. He said it gave him a sense of control and that working this way felt more manageable to him.  He told her that he also appreciated her empathy, which made the work bearable.

When Tom came for his next therapy session, his therapist recommended that they go back to the same memory they had been working on the last time.  She told Tom that, in order to get to the core issues, they would slow everything down as if they were watching a movie frame by frame.

Having already had a session where he was asked to re-experience his memory, Tom didn't feel nearly as hesitant as he did the first time.  So, he re-entered the memory and, as his therapist recommended, he slowed everything down.

By slowing down the process, Tom had greater access to physical sensations and emotions that he didn't notice when he recalled the memory during the prior therapy session.  Specifically, he recalled that when his wife said that they needed to talk about their relationship, aside from the queasiness, numbing, and the "uh-ho" feeling, his hands became sweaty and he experienced a lightheadedness.

His therapist recommended that they use a clinical hypnosis technique called the Affect Bridge to go back to the earliest time when Tom recalled feeling this way.  She said this would help them to understand what was getting triggered in him.  She helped Tom to do the Affect Bridge by telling him to sense into the physical sensations, where he felt them in his body and go back to the earliest time in his life when he felt this way.

At first, Tom said nothing was coming up for him, but his therapist encouraged him to take all the time he needed to go back to the earliest time.  So, Tom went back into the physical sensations associated with the memory, and he was surprised with what he came up with.

"This doesn't make any sense," Tom told his therapist when he opened his eyes again, "I don't see the connection between the experience with my wife and what came up with me just now.  There must be some mistake."

His therapist explained that sometimes earlier memories come up that appear to be unrelated to the current situation, but there are usually emotions that connect the experience from the past with the experience from the present.  Then, she encouraged Tom to talk about what came up for him during the Affect Bridge.

Tom thought about it for a few seconds, shrugged his shoulders and then proceeded to talk about the memory that came up, "What came up for me was a memory of being in the third grade and standing up on the auditorium stage during a class play.  I had the lead role in the play and, prior to the performance, I had my lines down pat and I felt good about it.  But when I was on stage that day, I looked down and saw my father's stern face and everything went out of my head.  I couldn't remember a single word.  My teacher had to prompt me throughout the whole play.  I was so ashamed, but when I looked down into the audience after the play was over, I realized that my father had disappeared.  When I got home, my father was sitting in his favorite chair reading the newspaper.  I hoped to creep up to my room without my father seeing me.  But, from behind his newspaper, he said to me, 'You were terrible today.  You really made me feel ashamed and disappointed to be your father.  You're never going to amount to anything.'"

Then, Tom broke down and cried in his therapy session, "All I ever wanted to do was please my father, but he kept telling me how ashamed and disappointed in me he was--no matter what I did.  I felt like such a loser."

When Tom felt calmer, he told his therapist that he could feel the connection between the incident with his wife and the memory he had about his father.  In both experiences, he saw their disappointment and he felt tremendous shame (see my article: Understanding Why You're Affected By Trauma From a Long Time Ago).

In subsequent therapy sessions, Tom's therapist helped him to sense beyond his shame into his innermost, primary emotions.

Initially, it was difficult for Tom to go to his more vulnerable emotions, which turned out to be sadness and hurt.  His therapist explained to him that his difficulty was understandable since he spent most of his life trying to avoid these emotions.  She also explained that if they were going to work through his issues of emotional distancing with his wife, they needed to be able to go there.  However, she worked at a pace in therapy that felt safe for Tom.

Tom continued in individual therapy and he and his wife also began Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.  As he got more comfortable with his vulnerable emotions, he was able to communicate, based on these emotions, in a deeper, more genuine way with his wife.  This allowed his wife to open up too in couple therapy, and they began to strengthen their emotional connection.

Conclusion

Secondary emotions, like anger and shame, defensively mask primary emotions, like sadness and hurt.  This is usually an unconscious process and part of an emotional survival strategy that developed early in life.

Although emotional survival strategies usually help to keep a person from feeling overwhelmed, especially as a child, these same strategies get in the way for an adult.

Talk therapy can help you to develop insight into your problem, but when it comes to issues related to trauma, it often doesn't resolve the issue because it's a "top down" therapy (see my article: What's the Difference Between "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approaches to Therapy?).

Experiential therapy is a "bottom up" therapy which, among other things, allows clients to use the mind-body connection to get to deeper issues that are being masked by secondary emotions.  

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

As I mentioned previously, there are numerous types of experiential therapy for individuals and couples, including EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, clinical hypnosis and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.

All of these experiential therapies use a bottom-up approach that usually gets to the root of the problem faster than regular talk therapy, which can remain an intellectualized experience.

If you're struggling with unresolved problems, you owe it to yourself to work with an experiential therapist who can help you to get to the core issues that are creating obstacles for you (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How EFT Couple Therapy Can Help Improve Your Relationship

In my prior article,  EFT Couples Therapy: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Both Stuck, I began a discussion about how Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) helps couples to overcome the negative cycle that they're stuck in.  In this article, I'm continuing the discussion about EFT and how it can help to improve your relationship.

How EFT Couples Therapy Can Help Improve Your Relationship

EFT couples therapy recognizes that couples often get caught up in a negative cycle and that they are often unaware of this cycle.  During the initial stage of EFT couples therapy, the EFT therapist is assessing, among other things, the type of negative cycle that the couple is stuck in.

EFT Couples Therapy and the Negative Cycle
The negative cycle usually involves each individual in the relationship aware of their secondary emotions (e.g., anger, frustration), but unaware of their primary emotions (e.g., sadness).  The secondary emotions usually function as defenses against experiencing the emotional vulnerability involved with the primary emotions.

For instance, many people feel more comfortable experiencing the secondary emotion of anger rather than allowing them to experience the primary emotion of sadness, which underlies their anger.

It's not that the secondary emotion isn't real--far from it.  The anger is real, but if each individual in the couple only allows him or herself to experience the anger, s/he will remain stuck in anger rather than recognizing the sadness s/he feels about problems in the relationship.

Getting to the primary emotions in EFT allow the couple to move beyond arguing and blaming so that they can express their unmet emotional needs to each other.

At that point, the couple usually feels more motivated to work on their relationship.  They also have something more substantial to work with to make changes in their relationship rather than just blaming each other or getting stuck in a blaming/withdrawing negative cycle (more about this below).

In order to get to the primary emotions, the EFT couples therapist needs to develop a therapeutic alliance with each person in the couple so each of them feels comfortable enough to open up.  Developing this alliance can take a while, and it will be different for each person in the relationship.

Once the therapist and the clients have a good therapeutic alliance, the couple is usually more willing to look at their negative cycle.

Roles in a Relationship: Pursuer/Blamer and Withdrawer
As I mentioned in my prior article, a common dynamic in relationships is for one person to be the pursuer/blamer and the other person to be the withdrawer.

The pursuer/blamer is usually the one who is most vocal about the problems in the relationship.  After the couple has been in a negative cycle for a while, the pursuer/blamer often comes across as being angry and critical.  The more s/he feels ignored by the spouse, the more the pursuer escalates the pursuing and the blaming in order to get his or her partner's attention.

The pursuer's intention is usually not to blame or cause an argument--although that's what it usually looks like to the other spouse.  His or her intention, as previously mentioned, is to change the dynamic in the relationship, but his or her emotions are being expressed in a way that usually alienates the spouse.  As a result, the other spouse often withdraws emotionally and, at times, physically.

As part of the cycle, when the other spouse withdraws, the pursuer will pursue/blame even more to try to reach the spouse who has withdrawn.  This, of course, usually leads to the person who has withdrawn to withdraw even further, and the cycle continues to perpetuate itself.

Often, from the pursuer's perspective, if s/he hopes that if s/he escalates his or her demands and says it loud enough, the other spouse will hear it and respond. But this usually doesn't work.

From the perspective of the person who withdraws, s/he feels frustrated.  Frustration is his or her secondary emotion, the emotion that is closest to the surface.

Often, the louder and more blaming and persistent his or her spouse becomes, the more helpless and hopeless the withdrawer feels.  After a while, the withdrawer might feel that the spouse thinks s/he can't do anything right--so why even try?

As the withdrawer continues to withdraw even more, usually, from the pursuer's perspective, the withdrawer doesn't care.  S/he interprets the withdrawal to mean that the withdrawer is emotionally indifferent because this is how it appears from the outside.

But the withdrawer's internal emotional experience is usually very different.  Far from being indifferent, s/he might feel afraid and hopeless.

Obviously, not every couple fits neatly into the pursuer/withdrawer roles, but the vast majority of couples do.

This negative cycle is unsustainable long term.  It often leads to divorce--even in couples who, underneath it all, really love each other.  After a while, one or both of them finds the cycle unbearable and, not knowing what else to do, want out of the relationship.

Aside from the damage which this cycle does to each person in the relationship, without help, each individual usually brings his or her part of the dynamic into the next relationship and it starts all over again with the next person after a while.

In my next article, I'll provide a fictional clinical vignette which shows how EFT couples therapy helps couples to recognize their negative cycle and find healthier ways of relating to each other.

Conclusion
Over the last 30 years, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) has been a well-researched form of couples therapy that gets to the underlying issues that are causing problems in a relationship.

Rather than focusing on skills, like communication skills, EFT couples therapy recognizes that each couple that comes for help has a negative cycle which keeps them stuck, and they're unable to get to their unmet attachment needs satisfied in the relationship.

How EFT Couples Therapy Can Help Improve Your Relationship

Identifying the cycle and helping each individual in the relationship to discover the primary emotions that aren't being expressed is a significant part of the EFT couples therapist's role in couples therapy.

It's important for each individual in the couple to feel safe with the EFT therapist in order to allow him or herself to be emotionally vulnerable enough to move beyond surface emotions.

As part of developing emotional safety, the EFT couples therapist helps each individual in the couple to develop a therapeutic alliance with the therapist.

Another way that the EFT couples therapist helps the couple is by stressing that there are "no bad guys" in their relationship.  So, rather than blaming each other, they focus on the negative cycle and how they can change it with the help of the couples therapist.

EFT couples therapy has various stages that the therapist helps each individual in the couple to get through until they're able to meet each other's emotional needs.

Like most therapy, progress in EFT couples therapy isn't a linear process.  Even after each individual allows him or herself to be vulnerable enough to express his or her unmet emotional needs, one or both individuals often initially go back to old ways of relating that were part of the negative cycle--until the change is consolidated in couples therapy.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy
There are no "magic bullets" in couples therapy (or in any therapy), but EFT couples therapy has been proven to be an effective form of couples therapy based on 30 years of research and follow up with couples after therapy has ended.

Admitting that there is a problem in your relationship and being willing to get help is the first step in improving your relationship.

Rather than remaining stuck in a negative cycle that's destroying your relationship, you and your spouse owe it to yourselves to improve your relationship with EFT.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individuals and couples, and I am trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Primary Emotions and Attachment Styles Could Save Your Relationship

In prior articles, Anger as a Secondary Emotion and Boredom as a Secondary Emotion: Understanding the Underlying Emotions in Therapy, I wrote about anger and boredom in terms of secondary emotions.  In the current article, I will discuss focus on how understanding and expressing primary emotions could save your relationship.

How Understanding Primary Emotions and Attachment Styles Could Save Your Relationship

Understanding Primary and Secondary Emotions in a Relationship
In a relationship where one person has an anxious attachment style and the other partner has an avoidant attachment style, each person will probably express their dissatisfaction and frustration with the relationship in different ways (see my article:  How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

If one or both people in a relationship misunderstand what's being communicated, it could jeopardize the relationship, especially if both people are locked into a rigid, dysfunctional way of relating.

This is why it's so important to look beyond the surface of what's being expressed to understand the possible hurt and longing that is hidden beyond the surface.

Couples therapy with a licensed psychotherapist, who understands attachment styles and primary and secondary emotions, can help avoid misunderstandings and a possible breakup.

Fictional Vignette: How Understanding Primary Emotions and Attachment Styles Could Save Your Relationship
The following fictional vignette illustrates how couples, who are locked into a dysfunctional interactive pattern, can learn to understand and express primary emotions by seeking help in couples counseling:

May and John
May and John, who were married for 10 years, decided to seek help in couples counseling because their relationship had devolved from a loving, nurturing relationship to an ongoing battle of accusations and counter-accusations.

May explained to their couples therapist that the problems began a couple of years ago when John took a new job where he had to spend a lot of extra hours at work.  When he came home, she said, he was exhausted, and all he wanted to do was eat supper, watch a little TV and then go to sleep.

She told the couples therapist that John was frequently asleep on the couch by 9 PM.  She said that, while she understood that he was tired from a long day at work, she often felt lonely because he was barely communicative during the week and when she wanted to go out on weekends, he just wanted to lounge around the apartment.

She also explained that whereas they used to have an active sex life, their sex life now was practically nonexistent.  Since they were only in their mid-30s, she felt this didn't bode well for the survival of the relationship.  She said that whenever she complained to him that he wasn't paying enough attention to her, he would remain silent and turn away from her, which infuriated her so much that she would lose her temper and begin yelling.

When he didn't walk into another room to avoid her, she said, he would sometimes also lose his temper so that they were then involved in a shouting match, both saying things that they regretted later.  Then, she said, they would usually each retreat from one another for a while--until the next argument and the cycle began again.

May said that they both wanted to have a child within the next year or so, but she didn't see how their relationship could survive.  So, on the one hand, it made her hesitant about having a baby and, on the other hand, she was aware that if she didn't have a baby soon, she might not be able to conceive because of her age.

How Understanding Primary Emotions and Attachment Styles Could Save Your Relationship

The couples therapist noticed that while May was speaking, John sat silently looking away.  She could see that John was feeling annoyed and defensive, and he had "checked out" of the session as soon as May began speaking.

She would need to get to know May and John better over time, but her first impression was that, in terms of their attachment styles, May was in the role of an anxious "pursuer" and John was in the role of an avoidant "withdrawer" in their dynamic.

When the couples therapist invited John to speak, he shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know what to say.  May knows that I'm working these crazy hours in order to advance my career so we can eventually have a house and other things that we want.  It's not that I like working long hours--it's required of me.  Then, when I get home, I need space to breathe and relax, but I feel verbally assaulted by May as soon as I walk through the door.  All she does is nag me, which is such a turnoff so, yeah, I'm not usually interested in having sex because I'm tired but also because I'm turned off by how May speaks to me.  She's just so angry all the time.  It makes me feel like a failure as a husband.  Then, I just want to be alone.  Who wants to come home to an angry person who yells at you everyday?  Not me."

The couples therapist could see that May and John were locked into a rigid negative way of relating, and neither of them were able to express the love and longing that they felt for each other.  She started by reflecting back and paraphrasing what May said and included that it was clear that, underneath her anger and yelling, was love and longing (the primary emotions) to be with John.

May nodded her head and looked over at John, who seemed a bit more engaged when he heard the couples therapist express May's primary emotions, love and longing, that were being covered over by the secondary emotion of anger.  John looked over at May and took her hand.

Then, the couples therapist paraphrased what John said about actually wanting to spend more time with May, but being required to work long hours at the office.  She paraphrased how tired he felt when he came home and that he needed a little time to unwind before interacting with May.  She also paraphrased that when May got angry and yelled at him, he didn't know what else to do, he felt like a failure as a husband so he withdrew from her.  But, in fact, he really loved her and wanted to be with her (the primary emotions).

As John listened to the couples therapist, he nodded his head to indicate that this is how he felt.  Then, he smiled at May, whose demeanor had softened as she listened to the couples therapist paraphrase what John said.

Then, May squeezed John's hand and said to him that she would be more than willing to give him time and space when he got home if she knew that he would pay attention to her after that.  In response, John gave May a hug.

This was the beginning of weekly six month couple therapy where John and May learned about each of their attachment styles and the primary emotions underneath May's anxious anger and John's defeated avoidant withdrawal.

The beginning stage of couples therapy involved helping May and John to de-escalate their emotions.  May allowed John to unwind and, rather than expressing anger and criticism, she learned to allow herself to be vulnerable enough to express to John the love and longing that she felt.

When May allowed John time to unwind when he got home and she was no longer yelling at him, he felt more comfortable approaching May and being closer to her.  He understood that, even during those times when she would occasionally yell at him, that her anger was a secondary emotion that covered over her love and longing for him and her fears that he was emotionally abandoning her.

May also began to understand that John's withdrawal didn't mean that he didn't care about her.  It meant that this was his secondary, defensive emotion in response to her anger.  She realized that underneath his withdrawn demeanor, he still loved her, but he  felt emotionally overwhelmed by what he perceived to be her angry demands (see my article:  Relationships and Communication: Are You a "Stonewaller"?).

How Understanding Primary Emotions and Attachment Styles Could Save Your Relationship

They both realized that if they were going to repair their relationship, they each needed to make it safe for each other to be emotionally vulnerable enough to express their primary emotions. This wasn't easy because they each feared getting hurt.  But over time, they allowed themselves to express their primary emotions of love and caring and their relationship improved.

Conclusion
Secondary emotions usually cover over the core primary emotions, which is related to each person's attachment style.

The secondary emotion of anger, which was demonstrated in the vignette above with how May responded to John, often covers over hurt, fear and longing.  And what appears as nonresponsive withdrawal, demonstrated by John when May got angry with him, often covers over the primary emotion of fear and feelings of inadequacy.

In the role of the "pursuer" and with an anxious attachment style, May felt exasperated by John's nonresponsiveness so her anger escalated.  In response, John, who was the "withdrawer" with an avoidant attachment style wanted to withdraw even more.  Underneath what appeared to be a non-caring stance, John was fearful and feeling inadequate.

So, they were caught in this rigid negative dance with each other and neither of them knew how to change that dance until an empathetic couples therapist helped them by allowing them to see the love and longing behind their secondary emotions and feel safe enough to express their more vulnerable emotions (see my article: Relationships: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

Getting Help in Therapy
The dynamics in the vignette that I presented above are common, and it's often very difficult for a couple to overcome these dynamics on their own.

A skilled couples therapist can help each partner to feel comfortable enough to de-escalate their emotions, understand their primary emotions (as opposed to the secondary emotions that are on the surface), and express their more vulnerable feelings of love and longing for each other (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you and your significant other are stuck in a rigid negative cycle, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Discovering and Giving Voice to Previously Disowned Parts of Yourself

One of the benefits of attending experiential psychotherapy is that you can discover and give voice to previously disowned parts of yourself (see my articles:  Ego States Work: Is There a Split Off Part of You Running Your Life?, Reclaiming a Lost Part of Yourself and Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are).

Discovering and Giving Voice to Previously Disowned Parts of Yourself

Unlike other forms of psychotherapy, experiential psychotherapy provides an opportunity to delve beyond secondary emotions to understand primary emotions, which are often disowned aspects of yourself (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy Alone to Overcome Trauma).

For example, underneath anger there are often other disowned emotions, like sadness, shame, fear of abandonment and so on (see my article: Anger as a Secondary Emotion).

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Discovering and Giving Voice to Previously Disowned Parts of Yourself
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how experiential psychotherapy provides an opportunity to discover and express a disowned aspects of a client in therapy:

Tania
When she began psychotherapy, Tania complained that her husband, who refused to come to couples therapy, was usually too preoccupied with his work to pay attention to her when they were at home together.

Tania told her psychotherapist that, although she complained to her husband that she felt neglected by him, she saw no change in his behavior.  After telling him several times that she didn't like when he came home and worked without consideration for her, she would lose her temper and yell at him.  Then, they would argue and end up being more estranged from each other than ever.

Her husband usually responded to her anger by shutting down and "stonewalling" her (see my article: Relationships: Are You a Stonewaller?).

This would lead to an escalation of Tania's anger where she tried in vain to get her husband to understand how angry it made her to feel ignored by him.

She explained to her psychotherapist that on the rare occasions when her husband responded to her anger, he told her that she was so unpleasant when she got angry that he didn't want to be around her, which only increased Tania's anger.  So, they were caught in this negative cycle, which was only getting worse.

Tania said that their relationship wasn't always like this.  In the early years of their courtship and marriage, her husband was considerate and attentive.  He wanted to spend time with her and he didn't put anything else ahead of their time together.

But once he started his own business a few years ago, all of that changed.  He worked day and night and even on weekends.  He said he was doing it for them, but she continued to feel neglected and unloved by her husband.

To make matters worse, Tania grew up in a home where she was emotionally neglected by parents who were preoccupied by their work.  Most of the time, her parents passed her off to her nanny and spent little time with her leaving Tania feeling unlovable (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect? and Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

She told her psychotherapist that one of the reasons why she fell in love with the man who eventually became her husband was that he was so attentive and nurturing, which made her feel that she was special to him--a feeling she had not experienced before meeting him.

Now, she felt taken for granted.  She felt that her husband would prefer to work and spend time on the phone with his customers rather than spend time with her.  And, no matter how much she complained to him about it, he wouldn't change.  In fact, she felt that things were getting worse between them.

Tania's psychotherapist sensed that there were underlying issues beneath Tania's anger.  She sensed that anger was a secondary emotion and that underneath the anger, Tania had primary emotions that she wasn't dealing with.

Once Tania and her psychotherapist established a good therapeutic alliance and Tania learned the necessary coping skills to do the work, her psychotherapist recommended that they do experiential therapy so they could explore her emotions.

Using a technique from clinical hypnosis called the Affect Bridge, Tania's psychotherapist asked Tania to remember a recent incident where she felt angry with her husband because she felt he was neglecting her.

Tania remembered an incident that occurred a few days before where she and her husband were at home at night, and she watched him go into his home office immediately after they ate dinner.

As she felt her blood boil, she tried not to confront her husband because they weren't getting along, but at a certain point she couldn't hold back anymore and she rushed into his office to complain to him.  Rather than respond, her husband paid no attention to her and kept working, which left her feeling even more angry.

Her psychotherapist asked Tania to sense where in her body she felt her anger now as she spoke about that evening.  Tania responded that she felt her chest tighten, her throat was constricted and she felt her shoulders were tight.

Then, her psychotherapist asked Tania to sense underneath her anger to see what else she might be feeling.  At first, Tania had a hard time getting beyond her anger, but she stuck with it and she eventually sensed her sadness, hurt and shame--the same way she felt when she was a child and her parents neglected her.

As Tania and her therapist continued to talk about this and Tania allowed herself to feel her underlying emotions, Tania was open to seeing the dynamics between her and her husband from her husband's point of view.  She realized that the more she angrily demanded that he pay attention to her, the more distant he became.

Tania's psychotherapist validated Tania's need to be loved and paid attention to by her husband.  She also began exploring with Tania how Tania might approach her husband to explain what she was feeling.

At first, Tania was hesitant to make herself so emotionally vulnerable.  She feared that if her husband ignored her after she opened up to him emotionally that she would be devastated, so Tania and her psychotherapist continued to explore her feelings and how she could change how she communicated with him.

Tania waited until she and her husband had a quiet evening when he wasn't working.  As she discussed with her therapist, rather than berate her husband, she decided to talk to him about how much she missed him.

To her surprise, her husband responded affectionately to her and told her that he also missed how close they used to be with each other.  He also apologized for not spending more time with her, and told her that he would make more of an effort not to bring work home with him so they could have more time together.

In addition, to Tania's amazement, her husband agreed to go to couples therapy to work on their marriage.

After they were in couples therapy for a while, her husband told her in session that during the times when she yelled at him, he felt so overwhelmed that he shut down emotionally.  Tania learned that when it appeared to her that her husband didn't care, he was actually feeling emotionally feeling "frozen" and "paralyzed" inside, especially since their arguments triggered earlier childhood issues for him (see my article: Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Emotional Triggers).

When her husband learned that Tania's early childhood neglect was also getting triggered when she felt neglected by him, he was compassionate and understanding.  He told her that he wanted to work out their issues.

Tania continued to work with her individual psychotherapist to work on whatever came up for her in her marriage and in her couples therapy sessions.  Whenever Tania was tempted to disavow her deeper emotional feelings, her psychotherapist helped to express them and feel less vulnerable.

Gradually, as the dynamic between Tania and her husband improved and Tania felt less overwhelmed, Tania and her psychotherapist used EMDR therapy to work on the root of her problems--the early childhood emotional neglect (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

As Tania progressed in her EMDR therapy, she and her husband got along better because she got less triggered when he had to work at home.

Also, since Tania and her husband were able to talk more openly with each other and express their emotions without fear, Tania was more understanding when her husband had to work and she didn't feel neglected by him because they made it a point to spend quality time together.  She was learning to separate her traumatic past from the issues in her marriage (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma in Psychotherapy: Separating "Then" From "Now").

Conclusion
It's not unusual for people to have unconscious aspects of themselves that they have disavowed without being aware of it.

Experiential therapy, which allows clients in therapy to get to the underlying issues, provides an opportunity to discover and express those disavowed parts so that clients can feel more emotionally integrated.

Getting Help in Therapy
It's very difficult to discover disavowed aspects of yourself on your own (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Working with an experiential psychotherapist, you can work gradually and safely to understand and express the parts of yourself that are at the root of your problems (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I specialize in working with trauma.  I tend to work in an experiential way with integrative psychotherapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Anger as a Secondary Emotion

In a prior article, Boredom as a Secondary Emotion, I introduced the concept of secondary emotions as it relates to boredom.  

I also discussed how secondary emotions often mask other emotions, like anger, sadness, fear, shame, and so on. 

Anger can also be a secondary emotion that masks other emotions. The emotions that are being defensively masked by anger are often unconscious.

Anger as a Secondary Emotion

Anger as a Secondary Emotion
The following fictional vignette illustrates how anger can be a secondary emotion in a relationship and the importance of each person in the relationship being able to identify these emotions, understand the emotional triggers underlying emotions involved, the roots of these emotions which can go back to early childhood, and how to communicate with each other based on the underlying emotions:

Bess and Ken
As a last ditch effort to save their marriage, Bess and Ken begin couples counseling to deal with their tumultuous relationship.

Anger as a Secondary Emotion

They both agree that frequent arguments throughout their five year marriage has eroded their relationship to the point where they are considering getting a divorce.

From Ken's perspective, Bess has a problem with anger management.  Whenever he has to work late or travel for business, Bess becomes enraged.  

Before they got married, he told her that his job involved long hours and frequent travel, so he feels she is being unreasonable.  He feels it's impossible to communicate with her when she gets angry, and he stopped even trying.  

From Bess' point of view, Ken is dismissive of her feelings.  When she tries to tell him that she feels lonely in their relationship, he tells her that she shouldn't feel that way, which feels dismissive to her.  When he dismisses her feelings, she feels frustrated and angry (see my article: Loneliness and Lack of Intimacy in a Relationship).

Before they got married, Bess says Ken promised that he would search for another job that didn't involve so many long hours and travel, but he never tried to find another job.  She feels that he actually likes being away from her much of the time, and all of this makes her feel like she's not important to him.  If he would listen to her and consider her feelings, she wouldn't get so angry.

Aside from the usual ground rules about the fee, the cancellation policy, and similar issues, their couples counselor set some ground rules for their sessions, including that they have to actively listen to what their spouse said without being judgmental and without interrupting.

Then, the couples counselor turns to Ken and asks him what he heard Bess say.  Initially, he looks surprised that he is being asked this, and then he admits that he has heard Bess complain so much over the years that he barely listens to her anymore.  But he is aware that she doesn't like that he is away from her so much and that she blames him for not finding another job.  What Bess didn't know, he explains, is that he has been looking for another job, but he hasn't found anything yet.

He tells the couples counselor that he wishes that Bess wasn't so "needy," but then he catches himself, he acknowledges that he is being judgmental and apologizes to Bess, who looks upset, "This is what I have to deal with all the time from Ken.  Instead of trying to understand how I feel, he criticizes me for being 'needy' or 'acting like a baby.'  There's no getting through to him."

After getting Ken's and Bess' family history over the next couple of sessions, the couples counselor provides them with psychoeducation about their attachment styles.

See my articles:  

Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation

How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

She explains that it's common for people with certain attachment styles to come together. For instance, people with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style often get together with the dismissive-avoidant attachment style.

Ken laughs, "The dismissive-avoidant attachment style sounds like me.  I never wanted to get married, but when I met Bess, I fell in love and I knew that I would lose her if we didn't get married."

Bess says hesitantly, "I guess the anxious-preoccupied style sounds like me.  I knew Ken didn't want to get married and, on some level, I think he resents marrying me."

Throughout the next few months, the couples counselor teaches Ken and Bess to de-escalate so that their arguments don't get to the level where they're shouting at each other.  They both become more considerate of each other, and Ken makes an effort to come home early from work more often and he sends a subordinate on some of the business trips.

The couples counselor also teaches them to recognize what emotions get triggered for each of them before they argue.

Ken recognizes that he is dismissive, in part, because he feels helpless whenever Bess gets upset about his time away from home.  He sees that, rather than feeling helpless, he shuts down emotionally and accuses Bess of being "needy" and "immature" but, in reality, he can't stand feeling helpless.  It feels "unmanly" to him.

They were able to explore the origin of Ken's feelings about masculinity and how "a man should be." When Ken was growing up, his father hardly showed any emotion, positive or negative, so Ken learned that in order for "a man to be a man," he should never feel helpless.  Now, as difficult as it is  for him to admit it, he's able to see that it's not reasonable to say that men should be allowed to have certain emotions.

Listening to Ken, Bess was touched and she placed her hand over his as an affectionate gesture.  Ken seems surprised and he clasps Bess' hand in his.

When it was Bess' turn, she said she had no idea that, underneath his dismissive attitude, Ken was feeling helpless. If she had known that, she said, she would have been more compassionate towards him.  She reiterates that she feels angry and frustrated whenever Ken dismisses her feelings.

The couples counselor helps Bess to dig deeper beyond her anger, and Bess realizes that underneath her anger she feels hurt and abandoned, feelings that were familiar to her from her childhood whenever her parents went away and left her with her grandmother.

Bess realizes that it feels "safer" to her to feel angry as opposed to feeling hurt and abandoned, which makes her feel too emotionally vulnerable.

The couples counselor explains the concept of secondary emotions and how these emotions often mask other more vulnerable feelings like sadness or shame.

Anger as a Secondary Emotion

Gradually, Bess and Ken learn to trust each other again, and they allow themselves to feel and express their more vulnerable feelings.

After they completed couples counseling, they each sought their own individual psychotherapist to work on unresolved childhood issues that were getting triggered in their relationship (see my article: Relationships: Unresolved Childhood Issues Can Create Conflict).

Conclusion
Anger is often a secondary emotion.  Secondary emotions, like anger, often mask other more vulnerable feelings like sadness, fear, and shame.

These underlying feelings are usually unconscious and the secondary emotions are used as a defense to ward off the more vulnerable feelings.

When each person in a relationship is struggling with secondary emotions, they often keep looping in the same arguments without a resolution because they're not dealing with the core feelings.

Getting Help in Therapy
The underlying emotions beyond the secondary emotion is usually hard to detect on your own, especially if you're stuck in a destructive dynamic with a spouse or significant other.  Each person digs in their heels and nothing changes (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help individuals and couples to become aware of their particular dynamics, including their attachment styles, identify emotional triggers, discover the underlying emotions, and work towards having a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.