Relationships: Overcoming a Pattern of Emotional Shutdown

There are couples who come to couples therapy where one or both people really believe they don't have emotions.  However, research indicates that all human beings have emotions including happiness, sadness, fear, disgust and surprise regardless of culture (see my article: Are You Able to Express Your Emotions to Your Partner?).

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

These emotions are biologically driven and linked to distinct facial expressions, so the capacity for emotions is a shared human experience (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions?).

What is Alexithymia?

It's estimated that anywhere from 5-15% of people have alexithymia, which is a condition where people have difficulty identifying, processing and expressing emotions.  The exact cause of alexithymia is unknown as of this writing. Psychotherapy with a therapist who is trained to treat alexithymia combined with medication is usually the recommended course of treatment.

What's Really Happening For the Other 85-95% of People in Relationships Who Believe They Don't Have Emotions?

What about the other 85-95% of people who don't have alexithymia who say they don't have emotions?

In most other cases, people who believe they don't experience emotions have one of the following problems:

• Emotional Unavailability: People who have experienced traumatic conditions can experience difficulty connecting with and expressing emotions. They might believe they don't have emotions but, in reality, they don't realize their difficulty.

• Emotional Repression: People who repress their emotions, either consciously or unconsciously, suppress their emotions, especially after traumatic incidents.

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

• Trauma Response: People who experienced a traumatic event can shut down their emotions as a maladaptive coping mechanism or defense mechanism.

• Learned Behavior: If individuals grew up in a family where they were discouraged from expressing emotions, they often don't learn to identify and express their emotions. This is especially true if a healthy expression of emotions wasn't modeled for them in their family. This learned behavior can be related to the three conditions mentioned above (emotional unavailability, emotional repression and trauma response).

What Are the Underlying Reasons When People Shut Down Their Emotions?

People who shut down their emotions often do so for one or more of the following reasons:

• Fear getting overwhelmed

• Fear of feeling helpless

• Feeling ashamed

• Fear of being rejected

• Fear of being abandoned
  

What is the Impact on a Relationship When One or Both People Suppress Their Emotions?

Shutting down emotions, whether it's done consciously or unconsciously, becomes an obstacle in the relationship:

• Communication breaks down (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship)

• Loss of trust

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

• Loneliness, isolation and feelings of neglect for the non-withdrawing partner (see my article: Feeling Lonely in a Relationship)

• Resentment grows

• A decrease in emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

• A negative cycle of withdrawal and feelings of neglect and loneliness for the non-withdrawing partner, which perpetuates the emotional disconnection between the partners. Over time, it becomes increasingly difficult to resolve conflicts.

Clinical Vignette: Overcoming the Negative Cycle of Ongoing Emotional Shutdown

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates how this negative cycle develops and how couples therapy can help:

Sandy and Eric

When Sandy and Eric sought help in couples therapy, they were almost ready to file for divorce.

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

At the time, they were together for seven years and married for five. Sandy was the one who suggested they try couples therapy before they split up. 

Sandy told the couples therapist she felt alone in her relationship because Eric wasn't able to express his emotions. As a result, she said, problems that came up weren't resolved because they weren't able to talk about them.

When it was clear to the couples therapist that Eric wasn't alexithymic and he was able to feel and express his emotions in other areas of his life, she asked Eric to become curious about his problems with expressing emotions.

Eric spoke about his family history and how his father often told him when he was growing up that boys who cried were "sissies". 

He told Eric that boys and men should control their emotions and shouldn't allow themselves to feel highs and lows. Instead, according to his father, Eric should focus on being logical and avoid displays of emotions (see my article: Why Family History is Important in Therapy).

Although as an adult, he understood that his father had his own problems with emotions and that he gave him bad advice, Eric didn't know how what he was feeling most of the time so it was hard to talk to Sandy, especially when they were having a disagreement. So, not knowing what else to do, he would withdraw emotionally and sometimes physically as well.

Hearing Eric talking about his difficult childhood, Sandy felt a deep sense of compassion for him and she reached out to hold his hand. When Eric felt the touch of Sandy's hand, his eyes welled up with tears, "I didn't realize until now that I've been so lonely and I've missed being touched by Sandy. I don't want to lose you, Sandy."

Their couples therapist worked with them to help Sandy to be patient and to help Eric to use the mind-body connection to identify and express his emotions. Over time, he learned that when he felt tightness in his throat, he felt sad and when he felt his stomach tighten, he felt fear. 

Gradually, Eric learned to use bodily awareness to identify and express emotions to Sandy and Sandy's empathy helped her to meet Eric halfway. 

As Eric allowed himself to be emotionally vulnerable with Sandy, they developed increased emotional intimacy with each other. As emotional intimacy developed, they gradually found their way back to sexual intimacy (see my article: Learning to Embrace Your Emotional Vulnerability).

EFT Couples Therapy Can Help

Their progress in couples therapy wasn't linear (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

They still experienced problems with communication from time to time when Eric had difficulty being emotionally vulnerable, but they were able to discuss these difficulties and work out the problem.

Conclusion

There can be many reasons why people believe they don't experience emotions, as discussed above but, as mentioned earlier, most human beings are wired for experiencing and expressing emotions.

When emotional shutdown occurs in a relationship, it poses significant stress on the relationship and, over time, can lead to a breakup.

Couples who attend Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) can develop the skills to overcome these difficulties if both people are motivated.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Dealing with relationship problems in couples therapy is easier when couples seek help sooner rather than later because patterns aren't ingrained yet.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an EFT couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Are You a Stonewaller?

How Suppressing Your Emotions Can Lead to Medical and Psychological Problems

How to Manage Your Emotions Without Suppressing Them

 

 

Understanding Your Avoidant Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle In Your Relationship

In my prior article, I focused on people who have an anxious attachment style in their relationship. 

In today's article, I'm focusing on people who have an avoidant attachment style from an Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT) perspective.

An Avoidant Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

As I mentioned in the prior article, approximately 80% of couples have the anxious-avoidant attachment style dynamic in their relationship (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style in Your Relationship?).

Characteristics of an Avoidant Attachment Style During a Relationship Conflict

People with an avoidant attachment style might have some or all of the following characteristics:

• Withdrawing emotionally during a conflict

• Behaving in a disdainful way towards a partner who shows emotion

• Appearing to be distant or aloof

• Giving their partner the "silent treatment" (also known as stonewalling)

• Seeing themselves as independent and self-sufficient (as part of a defense mechanism)

How to Overcome the Negative Cycle in an Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic

As I mentioned in my previous article, each partner, regardless of their attachment style, can learn new relationship skills in EFT couples sessions including (but not limited to):

• Developing a self reflective capacity to become aware of your thoughts, feelings and behavior before you express them

• Learning to respond instead of react (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress)

• Creating an emotionally safe environment to talk about difficult issues in your relationship

• Learning to be compassionate with yourself and your partner

• Learning to engage in active listening, so you understand what your partner is trying to communicate to you, instead of being focused on what you want to say next

• Learning to be emotionally vulnerable, assuming you and your partner have created an emotionally safe environment, to create closeness (see my article:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy)

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you both might be struggling to improve your relationship.

Rather than continuing in a negative cycle, seek help from a licensed mental health professional, who is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.

A skilled EFT couples therapist can help you to create the changes you both want so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, trauma therapist, couples therapist and sex therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples. 

I have advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, EMDR, AEDP, hypnotherapy, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Your Anxious Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

In prior articles, I've discussed breaking the negative cycle in a relationship from an Emotionally Focused Therapy perspective (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy? and Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

In the current article, I'm focusing specifically on becoming aware of an anxious attachment style so you and your partner can break the negative cycle in your relationship (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style in Your Relationship?).

Approximately 80% of people with an anxious attachment style get into relationships with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, so in future articles, I'll focus on the avoidant attachment style.

Characteristics of an Anxious Attachment Style During a Relationship Conflict

To their credit, people who have an anxious attachment style are usually the ones who take action to try to solve relationship problems. 

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

They're usually the ones in a relationship to point out when there's a problem and they're often proactive about trying to find a solution to relationship problems when their more avoidant partner might want to avoid, dismiss or deflect the problems.

Many people with an anxious attachment style also tend to engage in counterproductive behavior in a desperate attempt to be heard by their partner, including:

• Blaming their partner

• Protesting to their partner

• Criticizing and accusing their partner (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse)

If you have an anxious attachment style in your relationship, you might recognize some or all of these behaviors.  

You might also realize that, if you have a partner with a more avoidant attachment style, when you blame, protest, criticize and accuse them, they withdraw even further.  

Their withdrawal probably makes you feel even more anxious, so you blame, protest, criticize and accuse even more, which makes your partner withdraw even more, and this becomes the negative cycle in your relationship.

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

As a couples therapist with advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, I understand that this is your way of trying to get your partner to acknowledge your pain, create change and seek closeness.  But perpetuating the negative cycle doesn't work.  It only makes things worse.  

Each partner, regardless of their attachment style, needs to learn new relationship skills in EFT couples sessions including (but not limited to):

• Developing a self reflective capacity to become aware of your thoughts, feelings and behavior before you express them

• Learning to respond instead of react (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress)

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

• Doing your part, together with your partner, to create an emotionally safe environment to talk about difficult issues in your relationship

• Learning to be compassionate with yourself and your partner

• Learning to engage in active listening, so you understand what your partner is trying to communicate to you, instead of being focused on what you want to say next

• Learning to be emotionally vulnerable, assuming you and your partner have created an emotionally safe environment, to create closeness (see my article:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy)

Also see my article: Understanding Your Avoidant Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you both might be struggling to improve your relationship.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to perpetuate the negative cycle in your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples.

A skilled EFT couples therapist can help you to create the changes you both want so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, trauma therapist, couples therapist and sex therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples. 

I have advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, EMDR, AEDP, hypnotherapy, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?

Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, also known as EFT, was primarily developed by Canadian psychologist, Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s.

See my articles: 

EFT Couple Therapy - Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck

EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonding Can Replace a Negative Cycle in Your Relationship 

How EFT Couple Therapy Can Help You to Improve Your Relationship). 

Dr. Johnson established The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT) in 1998, and the center provides training for psychotherapists in EFT.  There is also an EFT Center in Greater New York (NYCEFT).  EFT is now being used internationally in psychotherapists' offices, hospitals, clinics and in other therapeutic centers around the world.

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples

EFT draws on attachment theory, which focuses on the earliest relationship between caregiver and baby, and also the enduring emotional bond between adults.

EFT is also based on Carl Rogers' person-centered psychotherapy, which takes an empathic stance in therapy.  In addition, EFT the theory of adult bonding to help couples understand their individual dynamics and the dynamics in their relationship, including whatever negative cycle they might have developed that keeps them stuck.

What Are the Stages in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?
There are three stages of EFT Couple Therapy:

• Stage 1: De-Escalation:  As part of the first stage of EFT Couple Therapy, the EFT couple therapist begins by assessing the couple's interaction style, which cause conflicts.  She also helps the couple to identify the negative cycle/attachment emotions, and frames the problem based on the cycle, attachment needs and fears.

• Stage 2: Restructuring the Bond and Changing Interaction Patterns:  During the second stage of EFT Couple Therapy, the EFT therapist assists each person in the relationship to voice his or her attachment needs and deep emotions.  The EFT therapist coaches each person on how to express acceptance and compassion for the other partner's attachment needs and deep emotions.  Each member of the couple is also coached in how to express his or her own attachment needs and emotions and how to discuss the issues that are causing conflicts.

• Stage 3: Consolidation:  The EFT couple therapist coaches the couple on how to use new communication styles to talk about their problems and come up with new solutions.  The couple also learns to use the skills they learned in EFT couple therapy so they create and use new interaction patterns after they leave EFT couple therapy.

Conclusion
EFT Couple Therapy is a well-researched method that helps couples to improve their relationship.  It has been studied extensively and shown to be effective.

Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy

EFT Couple Therapy was developed by Sue Johnson, and it is based on attachment theory, Rogerian therapy, and a theory of adult bonding.

There are three stages in EFT (as presented above).

Although the stages are presented in a linear way in this article, in reality, just like any other form of therapy, the process isn't always linear.

Since the couple is coached to identify and change the negative cycle in their relationship, they learn to stop blaming each other.  Instead, they learn that there are "no bad guys"--just a negative cycle that they can learn to change.

For more information about EFT Couple Therapy, see Sue Johnson's book, Hold Me Tight.

Getting Help For Your Relationship in EFT Couple Therapy
If you and your spouse or partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you owe it to yourself to get help from an EFT couples therapist.

Your EFT couples therapist can help you to restructure the bond in your relationship so you change the negative cycle, express your emotional needs and gain acceptance and compassion for your partner's and your own emotional needs.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, EFT couple therapist, AEDP, EMDR therapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
What Happens in Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy?

Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example

EFT Couple Counseling Helps Couples to Move Beyond Reactive Emotions and Destructive Arguing Cycles

What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Therapy?

Stage Two of EFT Couple Counseling: A Clinical Example

Why Does EFT For Couples Focus on Emotions?

EFT For Couples: The Importance of Primary Emotions to Improve Your Relationship

Relationships: What Are the Underlying Issues in the Cat-and-Mouse Game?

The origin of the phrase "Cat-and-Mouse Game" dates back to 17th Century England.  This phrase refers to actions involving the constant pursuit, near capture and repeated escapes of two people stuck in this dynamic. 

The Underlying Issues of the Cat-and-Mouse Game

What Are the Underlying Issues in the Cat-and-Mouse Game?

The Cat-and-Mouse Game is similar to the cartoon characters, Tom and Jerry:  Tom, the cat, always almost captures Jerry, the mouse, but somehow Jerry always manages to get away.  

The result of this pursuer-withdrawer dynamic is that they continually engage in this dance of pursuit, near capture, and flight (see my articles: Are You Afraid of Being Emotionally Intimate in a Relationship? and Fear of Abandonment).

The Cat-and-Mouse Game usually involves an unconscious fear of either fear of engulfment or fear of abandonment.  There is an ambivalent quality to the dynamics of these two people, who might want to be together. but when it appears they are getting closer together, one or both of them distance themselves.

Fear of engulfment is extreme distress or anxiety about being emotionally taken over/engulfed in a relationship with another person. The fear involves a perceived loss of independence and sense of self.  Fear of engulfment often occurs when a person feels insecure and experiences relationships as overwhelming.  This usually relates to unresolved childhood trauma where this person felt overwhelmed by one or both parents.

Fear of abandonment is an overwhelming worry that people who are close will leave.  This fear is often rooted in unresolved childhood trauma where someone close, including a mother, father or another close relative, left or died.

Although the Cat-and-Mouse Game is referred to as a "game," there usually isn't a malicious intent.  Often it's more like an unspoken dance between two people, who might be unaware of what they're doing, but who are both dealing with fears within themselves.

The person in the role of the cat fears s/he will be abandoned by the mouse, so s/he pursues but also maintains some distance so there is enough space to deal with what s/he fears will be the inevitable abandonment.  

The mouse fears being engulfed or overwhelmed by the cat, so s/he maintains enough space to feel safe but close enough to maintain contact.

On an unconscious level, the cat, who is the pursuer, is interested the in the mouse because the cat knows the mouse will run.  And the mouse is interested in the cat because the mouse knows the cat will pursue the mouse.  

As long as one chases and the other pursues, they remain in contact with each other, but they also maintain a safe emotional distance which they both need for their own psychological reasons.  

The regulation of the space between them is an unconscious defensive act so that they can have contact with some distance at the same time.

The Cat-and-Mouse Game is exhausting and can be deeply painful.  Due to their fears, the two people involved often don't get close enough to have an emotionally intimate relationship.  They might really love each other, but their earlier traumatic history of abandonment or engulfment keeps them apart and stuck in this cycle.

Even people who are married or in a long term committed relationship can get caught in this dynamic.  For a period of time their relationship can be going relatively well when one of them will pick a fight with the other.  

On the surface, the fight might seem ridiculous.  But what's really going on underneath the surface is that one or both of them gets uncomfortable with being too close because it either triggers fear of abandonment/being left or fear of intimacy/being too close.  So, the unconscious reason for the fight is that it provides psychological distance.

After a while, when the psychological distance allows each of them feel safe enough, they reengage--until fear comes over them and they begin this negative cycle again.

How to Get Out of the Cat-and-Mouse Game

As I mentioned earlier, these dynamics are often deeply entrenched in an earlier traumatic history which left an indelible mark on each person.

Getting Out of the Cat-and-Mouse Game

But there is light at the end of the tunnel if both people are willing to get help in therapy.

Insight isn't enough to change this dynamic.

Often the most effective therapeutic strategy is individual trauma therapy to work through the unresolved trauma so it doesn't get continually triggered and, if the two people involved are in a relationship, couples therapy, like Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) to address the negative cycle in the relationship (see my articles: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck and New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle).

Once the couple is no longer getting triggered by their traumatic histories and the negative cycle they created together, they are free to be emotionally intimate.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Couples Therapy, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individuals and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships

Emotional trauma can affect intimate relationships in ways that might be confusing or difficult to understand for both the trauma survivor as well as the partner or spouse of the survivor.

See my articles: 

Overcoming Trauma With Experiential Therapy

Overcoming a History of Childhood Trauma That Impacts Adult Relationships

Before and After Psychological Trauma, How Past Psychological Trauma Lives on in the Present

Untreated Trauma is a Serious Issue With Negative Consequences

How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships

How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships

A person with a history of trauma can have one or more of the following symptoms:

• A lack of interest or a decrease in physical and/or emotional intimacy
• Emotional numbing and withdrawal
• Ambivalence about the relationship
• Difficulty trusting others, including loved ones
• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Self doubt
• Compulsive behavior, including an eating disorder, substance dependency, compulsive gambling, sexual acting out, etc.
• A decrease of interest or avoidance of social situations
• An increase in arguments and problems finding resolutions to problems
• An inability to talk about problems
• Nightmares and/or problem sleep

Getting Help in Therapy or Couples Therapy

If you or your partner have been traumatized, it's important to understand that it's not about "being weak" or a matter of "snapping out of it."

These symptoms don't go away on their own.  They require help from a licensed mental health professional who specializes in trauma.

A trauma therapist can help the traumatized individual work through trauma, whether it's a one-time event or developmental trauma which occurred in childhood.

Without help, the traumatized individual can continue to spiral down, which might can lead to the demise of the relationship due to the trauma-related symptoms.

In addition, traumatized individuals often tend to unintentionally pass on their traumatic symptoms to their children.

There are effective forms of trauma therapy, including EMDR therapy and Somatic Experiencing which can help individuals to overcome trauma so they can lead more fulfilling lives as individuals and in their relationship.

    See my articles: 

What is EMDR Therapy?

Somatic Experiencing: Allow Yourself to Feel Your Sadness

Getting help in a timely manner can make the difference between saving or ending your relationship.  

About Me

I am a licensed NYC trauma psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist who works with individuals and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Learning to Become More Emotionally Responsive to Your Partner in EFT Couple Therapy

Couples often feel frustrated by recurring negative cycles in their relationship.  Even couples who really love each other and want to be there for each other get stuck in these negative cycles (see my article:  What is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?)

Learning to Become More Emotionally Responsive to Your Partner in EFT Couple Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples provides couples with an opportunity to identify their negative cycles and, with the help of an EFT-trained couple therapist, learn how to restructure their interactions with each other (see my articles:  EFT Couple Therapy: Working Together to Overcome the Negative Pattern in Your Relationship).

Emotional responsiveness is an essential part of a loving relationship.  But a common problem in many relationships is that each individual in the relationship has a different concept of what being emotionally responsive means, and this is one of the problems that can perpetuate a negative cycle.

Fictional Vignette: Learning to Become Emotionally Responsive to Your Partner in EFT Couple Therapy:
The following fictional vignette is typical of the dynamic that often occurs in couples when there are problems with emotional responsiveness.  Even though this vignette is presented with the woman and man having particular dynamics, these dynamics can occur with either a man or a woman.  In addition, these dynamics also occur in same-sex relationships.

Sam and Nina
Several months into their relationship, Sam asked Nina to move in with him.  Although she loved Sam and she knew he loved her, Nina told him that she was hesitant to take the relationship to the next level because she felt he wasn't as emotionally responsive to her as she would like him to be.

At first, Sam was surprised to hear Nina say this and he asked her to give him examples of when this occurred.  Nina gave Sam several examples of when she needed his emotional support and, instead of being emotionally present with her, Sam overlooked how upset she was and gave her suggestions on how to "fix" the problem.

Sam listened carefully as Nina spoke, but he couldn't understand why Nina thought he wasn't being emotionally supportive by recommending ways to "fix" her problem.

Nina tried to explain to Sam that she wasn't looking for him to "fix" her problems, which included longstanding complex problems with her parents.  Instead, she just wanted him to listen and be emotionally present with her as she talked to him about these problems.

No matter how Nina tried to explain what she felt she needed from Sam emotionally, he remained confused.  By the end of their discussion, Nina felt frustrated that Sam didn't understand, and Sam felt irritated that Nina couldn't see that if she used some of his suggestions, she wouldn't have these problems anymore, "Isn't it better to have a solution?"

When Nina told Sam that she thought this problem between them was significant enough for them to go to couple therapy, he told her that he thought she was making things unnecessarily complicated between them and he didn't see why they needed to go to couple therapy.

But as the weeks passed and they were both feeling emotionally distant from each other, and Nina expressed doubts about the relationship, Sam told Nina, reluctantly, that he would agree to go to couple therapy to try to work things out between them.

Since Nina's friend told her that she and her spouse had a very good experience in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT), Nina sought an EFT couple therapist.

Initially, Sam was sure that the EFT couple therapist would take Nina's side and blame him for their problems, especially since the therapist was a woman.  But he was surprised that the therapist was evenhanded with each of them and she understood and was able to reflect back Sam's and Nina's individual points of view about their problems together with empathy.

Nina and Sam were both pleased that the EFT couple therapist was able to help them to identify the negative cycle where they got stuck as a couple.

Specifically, the therapist assessed that when Nina told Sam that she wasn't getting what she needed from him, Sam felt criticized and blamed, which caused him to withdraw from Nina.  And when Sam withdrew from Nina, she became angry and frustrated and she would become more strident in her efforts to try to get Sam to understand (see my article: What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?.

Nina's reaction, in turn, caused Sam to withdraw even further, and the negative cycle went on and on (see my articles: How EFT Couple Therapy Helps "Pursuers" to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve Their Relationship and How EFT Couple Therapy Helps "Distancers" to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve Their Relationship).

Both Nina and Sam agreed that this was their negative cycle.  Sam asked the therapist, "It's great that we know what our negative cycle is, but how do we fix it?"  Hearing him say this, Nina rolled her eyes in anger and frustration and turned to the therapist, "You see?  This is what I have to deal with.  Right away, he wants to know how to 'fix' it" instead of trying to get a deeper understanding of it."

When Sam saw Nina roll her eyes, he folded his arms defensively and slumped in his chair.  It took several more sessions for Nina to stop criticizing Sam and for Sam to understand that therapy, including couple therapy, is a process.  She told them that she felt confident that they would eventually both learn to be more emotionally responsive to one another.

When Nina got to the point where she understood in couple therapy that Sam genuinely wanted to be emotionally responsive to her and improve their relationship and, at the same time, his earlier family experiences were an obstacle for him, Nina became much more open and compassionate towards Sam.

When Sam experienced Nina as more open and compassionate towards him, Sam was more willing to see how Nina's family background had a negative impact on her in their relationship.  He also became much more patient with the couple therapy process.

They both came to understand that an intellectual understanding of their relationship dynamic was not enough and to achieve the changes that they each wanted, the shift would have to occur on an emotional level.

With the help of their EFT couple therapist, Sam and Nina began to restructure their dynamics in their couple therapy sessions by allowing themselves to be emotionally vulnerable with each other to say what they each needed (see my article: What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?).

At first, when they learned to do this in their couple therapy sessions, they thought they were done with therapy.  But, as their EFT couple therapist told them, they discovered that, at that point, it was difficult to do this on their own without the help of their therapist.  They needed a lot more practice in their sessions to begin to have success on their own.

Like most dynamics in therapy, Nina and Sam found out that their individual progress in couple therapy was often two steps forward and one step back.  But over time, they each became more comfortable being emotionally responsive to each other when they were on their own.

Sam learned how to listen to Nina in an emotionally present and responsive way.  Most of the time, he was no longer focused on "fixing" things between them.  And Nina learned to stop criticizing and blaming Sam when he occasionally slipped up and reverted back to trying to "fix" the problem.

They both learned that, even though they were bound to make mistakes with each other, as everyone does, the most important thing was that they knew how to turn towards each other (rather than away) to emotionally repair their interactions with one another.

Conclusion
In every couple, each person brings a family history that impacts how s/he relates in an adult romantic relationship.

Having compassion and empathy for one another and being willing to change a negative cycle is key to a successful relationship (see my article: EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Learning to Become More Emotionally Responsive to Your Partner in EFT Couple Therapy

How each person in a relationship defines and thinks about being emotionally responsive might be different.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples is a well-researched, powerful tool to help couples to learn to recognize their negative cycle and change it with the help of the EFT couple therapist.

The EFT couple therapist helps the couple to learn new ways of interacting in their sessions so that, eventually, they can interact in a more emotionally responsive way with each other when they're on their own--instead of remaining stuck in a negative cycle.

Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Couple Therapy
Rather than struggling on your own, you and your partner could benefit from Emotionally Focused Therapy so that you can have a more loving and emotionally satisfying relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist for couples.

I have worked with individuals and couples for over 20 years.

I work with heterosexual, lesbian, gay, transgender and queer couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle in a Relationship

I began discussing EFT couple therapy in my previous two articles (see my articles: EFT Couple Therapy: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Both Stuck and How EFT Couple Therapy Can Help Improve Your Relationship).  In this article, I'm focusing specifically on how EFT couple therapy can help couples to replace negative cycles with new ways of bonding.

EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle in a Relationship

Negative cycles are often difficult for a couple to see on their own. But when an EFT couple therapist assesses a couple, she can eventually identify the negative cycle and help the couple to change it so that they can learn new ways of bonding together.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Developing New Ways of Bonding in EFT Couple Therapy
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how an EFT couple therapist can help a couple to recognize the negative cycle that they're stuck in and help the couple to stop the negative cycle so they can develop a new way of bonding together:

Ann and Tom
After 10 years of marriage, Ann and Tom were locked into an ongoing emotional battle where each of  them felt unloved and unappreciated by the other.

Ann explained to their EFT couple therapist that they had talked about the possibility of divorce, but they wanted to try to see if they could salvage their marriage, especially since they had two young children.

She said that problems began about five years into their marriage when their first son was born.  Tom had just started his own consulting business, and Ann had taken off time from her career to raise their son.

With stressors related to a new business and raising a young child, they began to drift apart.  They were frequently exhausted and their sex life had waned.  Tom said that Ann was a wonderful mother to their son, but she hardly ever wanted to take time for just the two of them.

He said he tried numerous times to persuade Ann to leave their son with her mother so they could go on vacation together and rekindle their relationship, but she refused to do it.  Eventually, he got tired of trying to persuade her, he threw himself into his work, and they continued to drift apart (see my article: Telltale Signs That You and Your Spouse Are Drifting Apart).

A few months prior to coming to couple therapy, Tom told Ann he felt like he was living with a roommate.  He told her that they were still young enough to start their lives over, and he broached the topic of divorce.  Shocked and upset, Ann told Tom that it would be devastating for their children if they got a divorce, and she wanted to see if they could save their marriage, which was what brought them into EFT couple therapy.

As the EFT couple therapist listened to each of them talk about their relationship history, it was clear to her that, in the past, Tom had been the pursuer in the relationship, and Ann had been the withdrawer.  Tom had been the one who was reaching out to Ann earlier in their marriage, and Ann withdrew emotionally from Tom.

By the time they came for couple therapy, they both appeared to be withdrawn and exhausted.  The EFT couple therapist noted that they hardly looked at each other when they spoke and neither of them made an effort to connect with a look or a touch.  And yet here they were seeking help in therapy.

When the EFT couple therapist asked what attracted each of them to the other  when they first met, Tom said how attracted he was to Ann when they first met in a college class.  He was drawn to her passion and enthusiasm in the class, and he eventually asked her out on a date.  Ann said she was drawn to Tom's good looks and how he made her laugh when they went out.

As they spoke about their relationship history, the EFT couple therapist noticed each of them come alive momentarily, and she commented on it.  For the first time in the session, Tom reached over to Ann, but Ann looked away and Tom withdrew his hand.

When the EFT couple therapist pointed out this interaction and asked Ann how she experienced it, Ann said that she felt emotionally numb.  She said it had been so long since they had touched one another in any way that she felt uncomfortable.  She said, even though she wanted her marriage to work out, she felt a sense of helplessness and almost hopelessness about it.

As the EFT couple therapist helped Ann and Tom to identify their negative cycle, which included Tom making gestures for connection and Ann pulling away, they both agreed that this was their negative dynamic, and they didn't know how to change it.

Over time, with the EFT couple therapist's help, Ann began to express her emotional vulnerability with caution, and Tom listened and felt more compassionate towards Ann.  She said that, after their first child was born, she felt Tom was making emotional demands of her that she couldn't fulfill, and she felt like a failure as a wife.

After their second child was born, Ann said, she felt that Tom's suggestion that they take time apart from their children felt impossible for her.  At the time, she didn't want to leave them in the care of her mother to go away with Tom, and this was the source of frequent arguments between them--until Tom buried himself in his work and Ann became more involved in their children's activities.

They were each able to see how they had gotten to this point after Ann withdrew emotionally and Tom became more resentful, distant and stopped trying to get closer to Ann.

With the help of the EFT couple therapist, each of them began to take small steps to allow themselves to be more open and vulnerable with each other and, slowly, things began to change as they developed a new emotional bond.

Conclusion
In most relationships where the couple is having problems, there is often a negative cycle in the relationship where there is a pursuer and a withdrawer.  After being immersed in this negative cycle for a while, the pursuer might also eventually withdraw emotionally until the couple drifts apart.  Without help, a couple who is stuck in a negative cycle often continues to drift apart until the relationship ends.

With help in EFT couple therapy, a couple can begin to identify their negative cycle and make small gestures to change.  It can take a while for each person in the relationship to trust again to be able to be emotionally vulnerable.

The role of the EFT couple therapist is to help the couple see their negative cycle and develop new ways of bonding.

Getting Help With EFT Couple Therapy
Many couples who are stuck in a negative cycle are helped by EFT couple therapy to learn new ways of relating so they can bond emotionally again.

If you and your spouse are having problems in your relationship, you owe it to yourself and your relationship to get help.

Rather than continuing to drift apart, getting help in EFT couple therapy could save your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many people to improve their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.