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There are couples who come to couples therapy where one or both people really believe they don't have emotions. However, research indicates that all human beings have emotions including happiness, sadness, fear, disgust and surprise regardless of culture (see my article: Are You Able to Express Your Emotions to Your Partner?).
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| Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship |
These emotions are biologically driven and linked to distinct facial expressions, so the capacity for emotions is a shared human experience (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions?).
What is Alexithymia?
It's estimated that anywhere from 5-15% of people have alexithymia, which is a condition where people have difficulty identifying, processing and expressing emotions. The exact cause of alexithymia is unknown as of this writing. Psychotherapy with a therapist who is trained to treat alexithymia combined with medication is usually the recommended course of treatment.
What's Really Happening For the Other 85-95% of People in Relationships Who Believe They Don't Have Emotions?
What about the other 85-95% of people who don't have alexithymia who say they don't have emotions?
In most other cases, people who believe they don't experience emotions have one of the following problems:
- Emotional Unavailability: People who have experienced traumatic conditions can experience difficulty connecting with and expressing emotions. They might believe they don't have emotions but, in reality, they don't realize their difficulty.
- Emotional Repression: People who repress their emotions, either consciously or unconsciously, suppress their emotions, especially after traumatic incidents.
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| Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship |
- Trauma Response: People who experienced a traumatic event can shut down their emotions as a maladaptive coping mechanism or defense mechanism.
- Learned Behavior: If individuals grew up in a family where they were discouraged from expressing emotions, they often don't learn to identify and express their emotions. This is especially true if a healthy expression of emotions wasn't modeled for them in their family. This learned behavior can be related to the three conditions mentioned above (emotional unavailability, emotional repression and trauma response).
What Are the Underlying Reasons When People Shut Down Their Emotions?
People who shut down their emotions often do so for one or more of the following reasons:
- Fear getting overwhelmed
- Fear of feeling helpless
- Feeling ashamed
- Fear of being rejected
What is the Impact on a Relationship When One or Both People Suppress Their Emotions?
Shutting down emotions, whether it's done consciously or unconsciously, becomes an obstacle in the relationship:
- Communication breaks down (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship)
- Loss of trust
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| Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship |
- Loneliness, isolation and feelings of neglect for the non-withdrawing partner (see my article: Feeling Lonely in a Relationship)
- Resentment grows
- A decrease in emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)
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| Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship |
- A negative cycle of withdrawal and feelings of neglect and loneliness for the non-withdrawing partner, which perpetuates the emotional disconnection between the partners. Over time, it becomes increasingly difficult to resolve conflicts.
Clinical Vignette: Overcoming the Negative Cycle of Ongoing Emotional Shutdown
The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates how this negative cycle develops and how couples therapy can help:
Sandy and Eric
When Sandy and Eric sought help in couples therapy, they were almost ready to file for divorce.
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| Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship |
At the time, they were together for seven years and married for five. Sandy was the one who suggested they try couples therapy before they split up.
Sandy told the couples therapist she felt alone in her relationship because Eric wasn't able to express his emotions. As a result, she said, problems that came up weren't resolved because they weren't able to talk about them.
When it was clear to the couples therapist that Eric wasn't alexithymic and he was able to feel and express his emotions in other areas of his life, she asked Eric to become curious about his problems with expressing emotions.
Eric spoke about his family history and how his father often told him when he was growing up that boys who cried were "sissies".
He told Eric that boys and men should control their emotions and shouldn't allow themselves to feel highs and lows. Instead, according to his father, Eric should focus on being logical and avoid displays of emotions (see my article: Why Family History is Important in Therapy).
Although as an adult, he understood that his father had his own problems with emotions and that he gave him bad advice, Eric didn't know how what he was feeling most of the time so it was hard to talk to Sandy, especially when they were having a disagreement. So, not knowing what else to do, he would withdraw emotionally and sometimes physically as well.
Hearing Eric talking about his difficult childhood, Sandy felt a deep sense of compassion for him and she reached out to hold his hand. When Eric felt the touch of Sandy's hand, his eyes welled up with tears, "I didn't realize until now that I've been so lonely and I've missed being touched by Sandy. I don't want to lose you, Sandy."
Their couples therapist worked with them to help Sandy to be patient and to help Eric to use the mind-body connection to identify and express his emotions. Over time, he learned that when he felt tightness in his throat, he felt sad and when he felt his stomach tighten, he felt fear.
Gradually, Eric learned to use bodily awareness to identify and express emotions to Sandy and Sandy's empathy helped her to meet Eric halfway.
As Eric allowed himself to be emotionally vulnerable with Sandy, they developed increased emotional intimacy with each other. As emotional intimacy developed, they gradually found their way back to sexual intimacy (see my article: Learning to Embrace Your Emotional Vulnerability).
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| EFT Couples Therapy Can Help |
Their progress in couples therapy wasn't linear (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).
They still experienced problems with communication from time to time when Eric had difficulty being emotionally vulnerable, but they were able to discuss these difficulties and work out the problem.
Conclusion
There can be many reasons why people believe they don't experience emotions, as discussed above but, as mentioned earlier, most human beings are wired for experiencing and expressing emotions.
When emotional shutdown occurs in a relationship, it poses significant stress on the relationship and, over time, can lead to a breakup.
Couples who attend Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) can develop the skills to overcome these difficulties if both people are motivated.
Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy
Dealing with relationship problems in couples therapy is easier when couples seek help sooner rather than later because patterns aren't ingrained yet.
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| Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy |
If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an EFT couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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