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Developing a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure can be challenging for many people for a variety of reasons which will be discussed in this article.
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| Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure |
What Does It Mean to Have an Unhealthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?
Before we look at what it means to have a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure, let's take a look at what it means to have an unhealthy relationship.
An unhealthy relationship to joy and pleasure often involves seeking external validation and engaging in unsustainable or damaging behavior:
- Dependence and Compulsion includes:
- Intermittent Reinforcement: Unhealthy relationships often include intermittent reinforcement of intense pleasure which are used to tolerate ongoing toxic and or manipulative behavior creating a cycle of dependency.
- Chasing the "High": Compulsive seeking of intense short-term pleasure which can lead to shame, guilt and other negative consequences.
- Imbalance and Exploitation includes:
- Using Others For Pleasure while neglecting their wishes and boundaries
- A Tendency to Prioritize Pleasure While Neglecting Emotional Intimacy and Genuine Connection: There is a tendency to avoid emotional intimacy which results in superficial relationships. The pursuit of pleasure offers only a temporary boost in happiness which creates an ongoing cycle of this dynamic. This creates emotional distance, possibly emotional numbing, loneliness and difficulty expressing emotions and only short term or casual relationships.
- Imposing Control and Having a Sense of Entitlement: Feeling entitled to pleasure without respecting a partner's wishes or boundaries
- Feeling Guilt and Shame: Guilt and shame get in the way of experiencing joy and pleasure
What Does It Mean to Develop a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?
Developing a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure includes conscious practices including appreciation and presence:
- Practicing Mindfulness: Learning to savor joyous and pleasurable moments--no matter how small (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Mindfulness Meditation).
- Cultivating Gratitude: One way to cultivate gratitude is by keeping a gratitude journal.
- Making Meaningful Connections: Finding joy in helping others and investing in meaningful relationships rather than only seeking immediate gratification (see my article: Why Are Close Friendship Important?).
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| Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure |
- Celebrating Small Wins: Acknowledging wins, no matter how small, including a completed task or a delicious meal, which can reinforce your experience of pleasure (see my article: Celebrating Small Wins).
- Balancing Joy and Purpose: Recognizing that, rather than seeing joy as a fleeting state, it can also be a deep, more resilient state of being connected to your purpose and values.
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| Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure |
- Developing Meaningful Connections With Others: Nurture connections rather than focusing on immediate gratification.
- Self Love and Self Care: Take responsibility for your own happiness. Prioritize your physical, emotional and psychological health.
- Emotional Resilience: Finding moments of happiness even during stressful times--not just in external circumstances (see my article: Developing Resilience).
Many people feel guilty about allowing themselves to experience pleasure for various reasons including:
- Ingrained Cultural Beliefs About Joy and Pleasure: Many cultural beliefs link joy and pleasure to laziness, selfishness, and personal beliefs about feeling like they don't deserve to experience pleasure.
- Learned Beliefs: There might be learned beliefs from family history that links pleasure to selfishness and childishness, which makes the pursuit of pleasure seem wrong.
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| Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure |
- Guilt and Shame: For many people pleasure feels like a dereliction of their obligations and responsibilities which engenders guilt and shame (see my article: Overcoming Shame).
- Lack of Self Worth: Many people feel they are not worthy of experiencing pleasure because of their own traumatic history (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).
- Fear of Being Judged: Some people fear that if they experience pleasure, others will judge them for it, but it's often their own internal critic that is involved (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).
- Other Personal and Societal Reasons: A variety of other reasons both personal and societal
How Can People Overcome Shame and Guilt About Enjoying Pleasure and Joy?
Working on overcoming shame and guilt about enjoying pleasure and joy can be challenging.
- Start By Identifying the Root Cause: Ask yourself what might have contributed to your negative relationship with pleasure and joy. Is it related to cultural issues, familial messages or other sources?
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| Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure |
- Question the Story You're Telling Yourself: If you know the root of your problem, question your assumptions to see if they hold up in the light of day. Ask yourself what you would tell a loved one who struggled with this problem.
- Separate Self From Behavior: Move from self criticism to an objective assessment of your relationship with joy and pleasure.
- Seek Help in Therapy: If you have been unable to change a negative relationship with joy and pleasure, seek help in therapy.
Get Help in Therapy
An unhealthy relationship with pleasure and joy can be deeply rooted in your history and this problem can be difficult to overcome on your own.
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| Getting Help in Therapy |
A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are getting in your way.
Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more meaningful life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to develop a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
Also See My Articles:
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