You Can't Understand Your "Yeses" If You Don't Understand Your "Nos" and "Maybes"

For you to truly understand what you're agreeing to, you also need to understand what you're declining and what you're not sure about.  

This is true for all areas of your life whether it involves your loved ones, your work or other areas of your life.

Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

How Can You Learn to Understand Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"?

Here are some tips:

• Develop Self Awareness: To really know what you want, you need to develop a deeper understanding of yourself using your self reflective capacity. Before you say "Yes" to someone think about how you might be saying "No" to other choices and excluding other possibilities. So, for instance, before you say "Yes" to being in an exclusive relationship with someone, think about whether you're ready to give up seeing other people and what this might be like. Reflect on what the tradeoffs are in making one choice versus making another (see my article: What is Self Reflective Capacity and Why Is It Important to You?)

Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

• Prioritize What's Important to You: Instead of spreading yourself thin by people pleasing and agreeing to do things you don't want to do, prioritize what's most important to you. For instance, if you're in a relationship with someone who wants to spend all their free time with you but you know you need some time for yourself, you need to honor what you need and communicate this to your partne. If possible, try to find a compromise without neglecting your needs (see my article: Time Apart vs Time Together).

Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

• Boundary Setting, Self Respect and Self Care: Know how to set boundaries with others for your own well-being. This is related to prioritizing what's important to you. This involves being assertive in a tactful way in order to respect your own needs and take care of yourself (see my article: Self Care Is Not Selfish).

How Can This Be Challenging For You?

Understanding your 'yeses", "nos" and "maybes" and following through with what you need might be challenging for you because you never learned to do it and maybe you were even taught that taking care of yourself in this way is selfish--even though it's not.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the challenges involved with understanding what you really want and how Experiential Therapy can help:

Jane

Jane, who was in her early 30s, was raised to believe she should always put others first before herself, so she would agree to do things she didn't really want to do and she would often feel exhausted afterwards.

She would say "Yes" to anyone in her life who asked her to do a favor or to spend time with them or to listen endlessly to her friend's ongoing crises (see my article: Are You Overwhelmed By Your Friends' Problems?).

When she got romantically involved with John and they became sexual, Jane wasn't sure what she liked and what she didn't like sexually so she agreed to everything John wanted, but then she felt bad about herself afterwards because she wasn't sure if she wanted to do what she did.

One day John told her he sensed that she didn't enjoy performing oral sex on him--even though she did it and she didn't complain. He told her he didn't want her to just comply--he wanted her to want to do it and, if she didn't, he wanted her to tell him. But at that point, Jane didn't know how to respond to him because she had little awareness of what she liked and what she didn't.

Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

Jane realized she had little self awareness about what she liked and she didn't know how to develop self awareness. So, she sought help in Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Her therapist helped Jane to understand the connection between her family background and her current problems (see my article: Why Is Family History Important in Psychotherapy?).

Her parents, who were well intentioned, lived their lives in a way where they were always giving to others and expected very little for themselves ,and they raised Jane and her siblings in this way.

Her therapist taught Jane how to use mind-body oriented techniques, like mindfulness meditation to get to be in the present moment and to get to know herself. She also encouraged Jane to use a journal to reflect on her thoughts and emotions (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Minid-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Experiential Therapy includes: 

• EMDR Therapy

• Parts Work Therapy

• AEDP

Jane's work in Experiential Therapy was neither quick nor easy, but she stuck with it because she realized she was developing a deeper connection with herself and getting to know herself better.

Gradually, Jane began to understand her "yeses", her "nos" and her "maybes". She also learned to be assertive in a tactful and caring way with the people in her life.

Getting to know herself sexually was the most challenging for Jane because she had conflicted feelings about pleasure and solo pleasure.

Over time, she was able to overcome her guilt and shame about sex, and she developed a healthy relationship with her own body which allowed her to discover.

Her therapist, who was an Experiential therapist as well as a sex therapist, helped Jane to consider many sexual possibilities by introducing Jane to a "Yes, No, Maybe" list of sexual activities. 

Jane used the list, which had on scale from 1-5, to discover what appealed to her, what she didn didn't like and what she wasn't sure about (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?)

When Jane told John that she didn't enjoy oral sex, but she did enjoy other sexual activities, she was surprised that he was so understanding. This allowed her to open up and get curious emotionally and sexually with John so their relationship developed in new and exciting ways.

Conclusion

You can't understand your "yeses" if you don't know your "nos" and "maybes".

Developing self awareness is the first step in getting to know yourself better and being able to communicate with others.

People pleasing often poses an obstacle to getting to know and take care of yourself and to being able to communicate honestly with others.

When you can prioritize your own needs and set healthy boundaries with others, you will be on your way to respecting your needs, taking care of yourself and being genuine with others.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

Being able to understand and assert your needs can be challenging for a variety of reasons, including an upbringing focused on always prioritizing the needs of others. 

Experiential Therapy, which focuses on the mind-body connection, is uniquely suited for helping clients to get to attune to themselves and to interact in a healthy way with others.

If you have been struggling with understanding your needs and setting boundaries with others, you could benefit from working with an Experiential Therapist.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

A skilled Experiential Therapist can help you to develop increased self awareness through a mind-body oriented approach, prioritize your needs and set healthy boundaries.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a Experiential Therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York Experiential Therapist.

I am an EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work, EFT (couples therapist) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.