What is Self Awareness and Why Is It Important For You and Your Relationships?

What is Self Awareness?

Self awareness is the conscious ability to recognize and understand your own emotions, thoughts, behaviors, strengths and weaknesses (see my article: What is Self Reflecting Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Developing Self Awareness

Self awareness involves objectively evaluating your character and recognizing how your actions and personality affect yourself and others.  Self awareness acts as the basis for Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

What Are the Core Components of Self Awareness?

• Internal Self Awareness: Understanding your own inner emotional wants and needs, values, passions, aspirations and emotional reactions

• External Awareness: Recognizing how you are perceived by others and understanding the impact of your actions on them 

• Objective Focus: The ability to monitor yourself as if you were another person by focusing on the reality of your behavior rather than on a self created story

Why Does Self Awareness Matter?

• Enhanced Emotional Control: Recognizing your emotions helps you to manage them effectively

Developing Self Awareness

• Better Relationships: Understanding your impact on others helps improves interpersonal connections

• Personal Growth: Identifying strengths and weaknesses fosters a growth mindset and increased self esteem

What Are the Signs of Low Self Awareness?

Some of the signs of low self awareness include:

• Lack of Reflection: Rarely thinking about your own thoughts, feelings, behavior or motivations 

• Limited Emotional Vocabulary: Describing feelings as only "good" or "bad" or in some other vague way that make it difficult to understand, process or communicate your feelings

• Poor Emotional Regulation: Experiencing intense, sudden emotional outbursts or being unable to identify and manage your own triggers

• Defensiveness and Accountability Deficits: Responding to feedback with anger or excuses rather than reflection and taking responsibility for mistakes

• "Blind Spots" and Poor Perspective: An inability to "read the room" or to recognize how your behavior affects others (see my article: Overcoming Your Emotional Blind Spots)

• Arrogance and Over-Reliance on External Validation: Holding a distorted or overly positive view of yourself while needing to be the center of attention (i.e. a need for a lot of external validation) and always needing to be "right"

• Boundary Crossing: Consistently crossing or pushing other people's boundaries (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt)

What Are the Consequences of Low Self Awareness?

While you might struggle to understand why your actions aren't getting you the results you want, low self awareness often leads to:

• Fractured relationships
• Poor decision-making
• High levels of anxiety and frustration 

How to Develop Better Self Awareness

• Get Curious: Get curious about your own thoughts, feelings and behavior and what motivates you (see my article: How to Develop a Curious Mindset)

• Practice Mindfulness: Be fully present and aware of your thoughts and feelings in the moment

• Seek Feedback: Ask trusted friends and family members for their perspective on your behavior

Developing Self Awareness

• Journaling: Reflect on your thoughts, feelings and behavior in a journal

• Asking Yourself "Why": Analyze the underlying reasons behind your behavior and your decisions and ask why you feel and think the way you do

How Can Therapy Help You to Develop Increased Self Awareness?

Psychotherapy, especially Experiential Therapy, provides a safe space for you to boost your self awareness:

• A Safe Reflection Space: The therapist can offer a "mirror", providing objective feedback that helps you to see blind spots and helps you to see how your behavior affects you and others.

• Identifying Unconscious Patterns: Therapy can help you to identify recurring unconscious thoughts, feelings and behavior that influence your life which helps you to move from automatic reactions to conscious choices.

Developing Self Awareness

• Exploring Emotions and Triggers: You can learn to identify, label and understand the root causes of your emotional responses, including stress and anger, using tools like the Wheel of Emotions or other similar methods.

• Mindfulness Techniques: Mindfulness in therapy encourages you to be present and notice your thoughts and behavior in the here-and-now without judgment, which helps you to understand your inner world and manage your responses.

• Uncovering Core Beliefs: By exploring past experiences and current perceptions, you can uncover deep-seated beliefs and values that drive your behavior.

• Visualizing Your Inner World: Experiential Therapy, like Internal Family Systems (IFS), can help you to explore your desires, fears, needs and goals (see my article: How Does Imagery and Imagination Enchance Psychotherapy?).

Getting Help in Therapy

A lack of self awareness often occurs because adults weren't taught about emotional intelligence when they were children. 

Their parents didn't help them to name, validate and manage emotions in their daily life. 

Getting Help in Therapy

This often occurs because these parents weren't taught these skills as children, so they grew up to be adults lacking in self awareness.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop emotional intelligence which will increase your self awareness and your awareness of others. 

By developing better self awareness, you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the year.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me

What's the Difference Between Emotional Regulation and Controlling Your Emotions?

I've written about emotional regulation in prior articles (see the links listed at the end of this article).

What's the Difference Between Emotional Regulation and Controlling Your Emotions?

Many clients have asked me this question, especially clients who are learning how to identify and express their emotions (see my article: Alexithymia - Also Known as Emotional Blindness).

Emotional Regulation vs Controlling Your Emotions

Emotional regulation is the healthy process of identifying, feeling and expressing your emotions without being overwhelmed or overwhelming others.

Controlling your emotions involves forcefully suppressing or hiding emotions which often stems from shame. Controlling your emotions usually leads to long term stress which, in turn, can turn into medical problems including headaches, irritable bowel syndrome, hypertension and other stress-related physical problems.

Whereas when you regulate your emotions, you are doing it with self awareness, controlling your emotions is a restrictive, temporary fix.

Core Differences Between Emotional Regulation and Controlling Your Emotions:

• Approach: Emotional regulation acknowledges and accepts your emotions. This allows you to experience them so you can choose a balanced reaction. Conversely, control involves denying, suppressing or forcefully pushing away emotions. 

• Goal: The goal of emotional regulation is to process, learn from and move through emotions in a. healthy way. The goal of control is to minimize or eliminate the outward expression emotions to avoid vulnerability and appear to be "strong". As part of emotional regulation, you also recognize that emotions have a natural life cycle that last about 90 seconds if you don't feed them by ruminating, overanalyzing and continuing to tell yourself negative stories about them (see my article: Managing Your Emotions: What is the Life Cycle of an Emotion?).

Emotional Regulation vs Controlling Your Emotions

• Impact on Self: Whereas emotional regulation builds self compassion and mental health, control often leads to increased anxiety, including panic attacks, shame and physical stress.

• Flexibility vs Rigidity: Emotional regulation is adaptive and flexible, which allows emotional expression that is appropriate to the situation. Control is rigid, which often leads to a limited range of expressed emotions. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrate the difference between emotional regulation and controlling emotions:

Tom

When he was a boy, Tom would get punished by his parents if he cried. They told Tom that "boys don't cry" and punished him whenever he showed any signs of sadness--even when he was a young child.

Neither of Tom's parents showed any signs of sadness or grief. The only emotion they expressed was anger.

When the family dog died, they remained stoic and discouraged Tom from expressing sadness or grief--even though the dog was Tom's constant companion from the time he was a toddler.

As an adult, when Tom got into a serious relationship, his girlfriend, Ann, asked him why he hardly ever showed any emotions except anger. She told him she often felt alone with her feelings because Tom was so aloof.  She also pointed out that Tom's body seemed so rigid and she was concerned for his physical health.

Tom didn't respond immediately to what Ann said, but he began to reflect on her words. He decided to talk to a mental health professional about it.

Tom's therapist talked to him about the difference between emotional regulation and controlling his emotions. After she asked him about his family history, she helped Tom to make the connection between how his parents suppressed their emotions, how they discouraged his expression of emotions and how he also learned to suppress emotions.

The work was challenging for Tom because his usual way of handling uncomfortable emotions was to suppress them, but in therapy he gradually learned how to identify and express his emotions in a healthy way.

Initially, he felt like he was doing something wrong, especially when he allowed himself to feel sadness. He could hear his parents voices in his head saying "Boys don't cry". But he realized that uncomfortable emotions are like waves--they ascend, peak and subside eventually. He also realized that he felt much better when he allowed his emotions to release.

Over time, Ann noticed the difference in Tom and she felt much closer to him.  Tom also felt closer to Ann and more relaxed with himself.

Conclusion

Managing your emotions is part of developing emotional intelligence which is essential for your own well-being as well as maintaining healthy relationships.

Emotional Regulation vs Controlling Your Emotions

If you're having problems with emotional regulation, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to develop emotional regulation skills.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Emotional Regulation: How Do You Know What You Need When You Feel Emotionally Distressed?

What's the Difference Between Emotional Co-regulation and Self Regulation?

What's the Difference Between Feeling Calm and Being Emotionally Numb?

How to Manage Your Emotions Without Suppressing Them  

Managing Your Emotions While Working Through Trauma 

Being Able to Identify Your Emotions Helps You to Build Emotional Intelligence

I've written about emotional intelligence (EQ) in prior articles (see my article: How to Develop Emotional Intelligence).

In the current article, I'm focusing on how identifying emotions helps to build emotional intelligence.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Many people have difficulty identifying their emotions because they were never taught how to do it as children. As a result, as adults, they have difficulty developing emotional intelligence.

Identifying Emotions Helps to Build Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence includes the ability to:

• Recognize, understand and manage your emotions

• Recognize and understand the emotions of others

• Manage stress

• Navigate social situations

• Develop stronger relationships

• Build career success

Why Is It Important to Be Able to Identify Your Emotions?

Being able to identify your emotions helps you to understand your inner world which allows you to manage your reactions and navigate the world more skillfully.  

How Does Emotional Identification Build Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional identification helps you to develop:

• Self Awareness: This is the cornerstone of emotional identification and EQ. Being able to name your emotions (e.g., "I feel sad" or "I feel angry") is the first step. Self awareness allows you to move beyond just saying "I feel overwhelmed" or "I feel bad" to identify more specifically what you feel.

• Self Regulation: When you're able to name your emotions, you can gain the ability to regulate them.  This means you can pause and take a breath before you react.  This helps you to prevent disruptive impulses so that you can adapt your behavior in stressful situations and develop resilience (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

• Improved Relationships: Being able to identify your emotions helps you to understand how you impact others. It helps to build empathy which can improve communication and build stronger bonds.

• Improved Decision-Making: Awareness of your emotional state helps you to make better decisions by making you aware of when your judgment might be clouded by your emotions. This can help you to make more rational decisions.

• Foresight and Preparation: You can learn to recognize and anticipate emotional triggers. This allows you to work on strategies to manage your emotions and to get help in therapy to work on the origin of those triggers.

Getting Help in Therapy

Even though you might not have developed the ability to identify emotions as a child, you can learn to develop emotional intelligence in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to learn the necessary tools and skills to develop emotional intelligence which will allow you to be more self aware and improve your relationships.

Developing a better understanding of yourself and your relationships can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Be More Self Reflective and Aware

Why Emotional Inteligence is Important in Your Relationship

 

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

Getting into a new relationship can be exciting and fun, but if you're bringing old wounds (also known as " emotional baggage") from a prior relationship into a new one, it can create a barrier to a trusting and genuine connection.

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

What Does It Mean to Bring Old Wounds Into a New Relationship?

Old wounds from a prior relationship refers to unresolved issues including:

• Emotional issues
• Beliefs
• Habits

Examples of Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship:

• Mistrust: A person who was cheated on in a prior relationship can have difficulty trusting a new partner--even when there's no reason to mistrust them.

• Fear of Abandonment: A person who was left in an unexpected way can become clingy and overly anxious in a new relationship (see my article: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment in Trauma Therapy).

• Poor Self Esteem: A person who was criticized and put down in a prior relationship can feel unworthy of experiencing love in a new relationship.

• Making Comparisons: If a person constantly compares their new partner to their old partner, this can lead to unnecessary conflict in the new relationship (see my article: Comparisons and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy).

• Hiding Emotions: A person who was hurt when their feelings were used against them might become emotionally guarded and hide their emotions in their new relationship.

What is the Negative Impact of Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

Bringing old wounds into a new relationship creates problems because it can:

• Create Trigger Loops: Past experiences of betrayal or abandonment can cause specific triggers in a new relationship. Your partner might react with anxiety or fear to something relatively minor in your relationship. For instance, if you're mostly on time but one time you're a few minutes late to meet, your partner might get triggered if a prior partner had a lateness problem (see my article: Coping With Triggers).

• Build Walls: Unresolved pain from a prior relationship can build walls in your new relationship. This makes it harder to trust, communicate openly and feel connected with each other (see my article: How Therapy Can Help Bring Down the Wall You've Built Around Yourself).

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

• Cause Fear: Old wounds can create a constant state of fear which isn't compatible with love. This fear can prevent you from being fully in the new relationship. It can also cause you to settle for less than what you deserve.

• Lead to Repeating Negative Patterns: If you don't resolve old issues from the past, you risk recreating them in the new relationship. If you mistake drama and chaos for love or find yourself in a negative cycle of conflict that feels familiar because it's the same negative patterns from the former relationship.

• Prevent You From Being Fully Present in the New Relationship: When you're constantly replaying old events from a former relationship, you're not fully present in the new relationship.  This can create distance in the new relationship and stop the new relationship from developing into a healthy connection.

• Distort Your Self Worth: Baggage from a prior relationship can make you question your sense of self worth. This can lead to accepting less than you deserve. It can also lead to sabotaging the new relationship.

• Prevents the New Relationship From Growing: If can be challenging to move forward when old baggage is holding you back.

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

Here are some tips that might be helpful:

• Increase Self Awareness: Before you react, pause to identify what you're feeling and ask yourself if you're displacing old baggage onto the new relationship. Ask yourself if the situation might remind you of the hurt you experienced in a prior relationship. Are your feelings based on the past or the present situation? (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

• Stay in the Present: Stay in the present moment rather than getting lost in the past. Mindfulness and grounding techniques can help you to stay in the present.

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

• Practice Self Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Recognize that everyone has insecurities and it can take time to heal from old wounds (see my article: Compassionate Self Acceptance).

• Set Healthy Boundaries: Communicate to your new partner what is acceptable to you and what isn't. 

• Communicate Openly: Use "I" statements to communicate with your partner without blaming your partner, For example: "I feel scared when you distance yourself from me and you stop talking. It brings up old feelings of when I felt abandoned as a child."

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

• Stop Comparing: Avoid comparing your new partner to your old partner. This is a new relationship and a new chapter in your life.

• Focus on Building Emotional Safety: Build emotional safety within your new relationship that includes active listening, emotional honesty and empathy (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

• Get Professional Support: A skilled mental health professional can help you to process unresolved feelings from a prior relationship. She can also help you to develop healthier relationship patterns. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how old wounds can affect a new relationship and how therapy can help:

Jack

When Jack and Beth started dating, they had a wonderful time together during the first few months. But by their fourth month together, as the relationship became more emotionally intimate, problems began to surface.

Jack ended a prior two year relationship only a few weeks before he started dating Beth. His prior relationship with Alice was contentious and chaotic. They argued a lot and Beth cheated on Jack.

Jack found out that Beth was cheating with another man when Beth left her computer open and Jack saw sexts from another man. At first, he was stunned.  They had agreed to be monogamous early in the relationship and, even though Jack had opportunities to cheat on Beth when he traveled for work, he never cheated.

When confronted about the texts, Beth admitted she had been talking to a man online, but they had never met in person. She described it as an emotional affair. She said she felt lonely because Jack was away so much for work.  

Neither of them had the necessary communication skills to talk about the emotional affair. Jack told Beth, "Let's put it behind us" and he refused to talk about it.  But he was never able to forgive Beth for cheating.

Over time, Jack's resentment created walls. Gradually they became more and more emotionally distant from each other. They also stopped having sex.

By the end of two years, they both agreed they were unhappy and they decided to end their relationship.

A few months later, Jack met Alice. As previously mentioned, initially their relationship was going well. But in their fourth month together, Jack became jealous whenever Beth had to work on a project with a male colleague, Joe.

Despite reassurance from Beth that there was nothing going on between her and her male colleague, Jack felt anxious and irritable whenever Alice spent time with Joe. He treated Alice like she was cheating--even though there was no evidence of this.

After a few arguments, Alice told Jack she thought he was comparing her to his former girlfriend, Beth and he needed to seek help in therapy to deal with his old wounds or their relationship wasn't going to work.

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

When Jack thought about it, he realized Alice was right, so he sought help from a licensed mental health professional to work through his unresolved feelings about his prior relationship.

His therapist was a trauma therapist who helped Jack to heal old wounds using EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy.

While he was working on healing his wounds, Jack also realized that the baggage he was bringing into his new relationship was also related to his childhood when his mother cheated on his father and they almost got a divorce. 

Even though his parents decided to stay together and "put it behind them", they never resolved their problems and they remained emotionally distant. Jack realized that he was repeating the same pattern because he was bringing his unresolved feelings into his relationship with Alice.

Jack's work in therapy was neither quick nor easy. Gradually, he healed his childhood wounds and the wounds he experienced in his relationship with Beth. 

When he made the connection between his old wounds and how he was treating Alice, he communicated openly with her about it.

As he continued to make connections in his trauma therapy, his relationship with Alice improved.

Conclusion

Old emotional wounds from your family of origin and prior relationships can have a negative impact on your current relationship.

Doing the work in therapy to work through old wounds can improve your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

What Are Glimmers?

The term "glimmer" was coined in 2018 by Deb Dana, LCSW as part of her work on the applications of the polyvagal theory to regarding psychological trauma.

Glimmers Give You a Momentary Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

A lot of people are familiar with trauma triggers (see my article: Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Triggers), but fewer people are familiar with the terms "glimmers".

A glimmer is the opposite of a trauma trigger. A glimmer is an internal or external cue that gives you a sense of ease, safety or joy.

According to Deb Dana, LCSW, glimmers are gentle, yet powerful, ways that your nervous system finds moments of being okay--that might mean, as mentioned above, being calm, feeling at ease or feeling joy.

She indicates that glimmers happen all the time, but if you're not accustomed to noticing glimmers, you can miss them (see my article: Seeing Small Wonders All Around Us If We Take the Time to Notice).

So, it's important to develop the ability to find glimmers, notice them, feel them and celebrate them--even if it's just for a moment.

According to Deb Dana, when you begin to notice glimmers, you naturally look for more. 

She also indicates that glimmers are not toxic positivity or about "counting your blessings".  Instead, they're reminders that the human nervous system is built to hold both suffering and, at the same time. to notice moments of goodness. 

What is the Difference Between Trauma Triggers and Glimmers?

Trauma triggers are sensory reminders that cause you to feel unsafe because they are reminders of previous experiences of unresolved trauma.

Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

Glimmers are the opposite of triggers, as mentioned above. 

Glimmers are also sensory cues, but they are sensory cues that make you feel calm, connected, safe, peaceful and possibly joyful.

What Are Examples of Common Glimmers?

Here are some common glimmers that you might experience:

• Enjoying the warmth of the sun
• Seeing a sunrise or a sunset
• Stargazing
• Enjoying the smell of fresh cut grass
• Walking in nature   
• Sipping your favorite coffee or tea

Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

• Enjoying the breeze off the ocean
• Petting your dog or cat
• Seeing a rainbow
• Listening to soothing music
• Enjoying the taste of your favorite food
• Giving or getting a hug
• Receiving a smile
• Seeing a butterfly
• The internal sensation of feeling at peace with yourself and in peaceful surroundings

How Are Glimmers Beneficial to You?

When you have unresolved trauma, your body can be looking, consciously or unconsciously, for signs of possible danger--real or imagined.

When you're constantly on guard for danger, glimmers can be momentary internal or external cues that allow you to feel joy, connected and safe.

Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

If you have been unable to recognize glimmers in the past and you're beginning to recognize glimmers now, you might be experiencing the early stage of recovering from trauma because, possibly, your body isn't as on guard as it used to be.

Even if you have just a moment of enjoying a glimmer, that's a moment when you're not hypervigilant or on guard waiting for danger to occur.

How Can Glimmers Support Your Healing From Psychological Trauma?
Here are some of the ways glimmers can support your healing from psychological trauma:

• Regulating Your Nervous System: Glimmers can help to regulate your nervous system by counteracting the hyperarousal from triggers related to trauma.

• Providing You With a Sense of Safety: By appreciating glimmers, you can let your "survival brain" know that. you are safe and this can reduce fear and anxiety.

• Building Resilience: Appreciating glimmers can strengthen your nervous system's ability to cope with stress, including the stress of overcoming unresolved trauma in therapy. Glimmers can also makes it easier to deal with other challenging situations (see my article: Resilience: Coping With Life's Inevitable Ups and Downs).

Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

• Cultivating Optimism: Noticing glimmers can help you to shift your mindset from negative experiences to positive moments. This can also help you to internalize a positive outlook--even if it's for the moment.

• Developing Increased Self Awareness: Glimmers can help to promote increased self awareness and personal growth (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

• Promoting Emotional Healing: Noticing and appreciating glimmers on a regular basis can help to boost your mood, reduce depression and anxiety and improve your overall mental health.

How to Develop Your Awareness of Glimmers

Here are some suggestions that can help you to develop your awareness of glimmers:

• Use Your Senses: Notice what you see, hear, smell, sense/tactile and taste in the environment around you.

• Practice Mindfulness: Take time to be in the present moment (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

Glimmers Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

• Keep a Gratitude Journal: Notice, appreciate and write about the small things around you that bring you joy in a gratitude journal (see my article: Keeping a Gratitude Journal).

• Engage in Activities That You Enjoy: Spend time in nature, play your favorite music, dance, pursue your hobbies and engage in other activities that you enjoy.

• Curate Your Social Media: Unfollow accounts that trigger your trauma and you and follow accounts that are uplifting.

Conclusion

Glimmers can help you to improve your mental health.  

If you're working on unresolved trauma in therapy, glimmers can help you to experience moments of joy, calm and ease while. you're in trauma therapy.

Recognizing Glimmers During Trauma Therapy

As a trauma therapist, I recommend appreciating glimmers to my clients (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Anyone can learn to develop the skills of noticing and appreciating glimmers. It just takes practice and as you begin to notice them, continuing to recognize and appreciate glimmers can get easier over time.

About Me

I am a New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important For You?

The capacity for self reflective awareness is an essential life skill to develop for yourself and for your relationships with others (see my article: What is Self Awareness?).

Developing Self Reflective Awareness

What Are the Signs of Low Self Reflective Awareness?

The following are some of the most common signs of low self reflective awareness:

• A Problem With Emotional Vulnerability: Emotional vulnerability is essential for your overall mental health, self compassion and empathy for others, open communication with your loved ones and the ability express your emotions, including emotions that might be difficult to express. If you see emotional vulnerability as being "weak", you're going to have a hard time connecting with your internal world and with others (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy in Relationships).

Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy

• An Inability to Admit to Mistakes: If you have problems reflecting on your thoughts, feelings and behavior, you have problems with self awareness which can lead to an inability to admit to mistakes. Instead, you blame others for mistakes you have made. This often occurs due to fear and insecurity (see my article: Having the Courage to Admit You Made a Mistake).

An Inability to Admit to Mistakes

• A Tendency to Criticize Others: Along with an inability to admit mistakes, if you have low self reflective awareness, you might have a tendency to criticize others instead of looking at how you might have contributed to the problem.  Being hypercritical might make you feel better in the moment, but it usually comes at the expense of the people you're criticizing. This often leads to impaired relationships where resentment builds up and problems become more difficult to resolve. Equally important: It also comes at the expense of self awareness because you're too busy externalizing your problems (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• A Problem Making Decisions: If you lack self reflective awareness, you might be indecisive because you're unable to reflect on what would be best for you and your loved ones. You might avoid making decisions because you feel insecure and you fear being judged or criticized. Instead of assessing your options, you might just accept whatever you're feeling at the moment ("I don't feel like going to work today, so I won't go"). Aside from a lack of self awareness, there's no critical thinking about the consequences of your behavior.

Problems Making Decisions

• A Problem Understanding Your Feelings: Without self awareness, you probably have a problems understanding your feelings. You also might not be comfortable with your feelings, especially if you got the message when you were growing up that feelings are dangerous. You might not be able to distinguish between feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety, shame, fear, happiness or disgust. Instead, your feelings might be value . You might only be able to say things like, "I feel bad" which is too vague to help you understand what's happening to you or to be able to communicate how you feel to others. In addition, if you lack self awareness, you might assume that just because you feel bad that means things are bad. In other words, a person with self reflective capacity, can step back from their feelings to assess what's going on. They can identify their feelings and think about why they're feeling that way instead of assuming that a "bad feeling" means things are bad (see my article: Your Thoughts and Feelings Aren't Facts).

• Ruminating About the Past: Without self awareness, you can easily fall into a pattern of constantly dwelling on the past--your mistakes, other people's mistakes, what might have been and so on (this is different from when someone is stuck in unresolved trauma where their mind keeps going round and round about what happened as part of a trauma response). When you ruminate about the past (when it wasn't traumatic) and you don't have self awareness, you don't have the ability to observe and challenge yourself. Being aware of your rumination helps you to stop and reach a level of acceptance about the past so you can move on.

Dwelling on the Past and Worry About the Future

• Worrying Unproductively About the Future: If you lack self awareness, you might have a tendency to be a chronic worrier about the future. You might also be unaware of the anxiety and stress you're causing yourself by worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. Without the ability to step back and observe how you think, feel and behave, you just reinforce your habit of worrying without getting curious about why you're doing it. 

Why is Self Awareness Important?

Everyone could benefit from improving their self awareness.  But if you're having problems similar to what I have described in this article, you have a problem.

Self Awareness is Part of Emotional Intelligence

Self awareness is an essential part of emotional intelligence which helps you to know yourself and build and maintain healthy relationships with others.

When you're self aware, you have the capacity to identify and learn from your mistakes which allows you to grow, learn new skills and develop resilience.

Next Article

In my next article, I'll discuss how to develop self reflective awareness.

Getting Help in Therapy

One of the most common reasons why people seek help in therapy is because they realize they're not self aware. They don't know how they feel and they're having problems in their relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy

It's also not unusual for someone to seek help in therapy because a partner is complaining. 

Even though the client might not be internally motivated at first, they often develop the curiosity and motivation to change. 

If you're struggling to understand yourself and others, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to become more self aware.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.