What is Transference in Relationships?

I discussed the topic of transference in prior articles as it relates to psychotherapy (see the list of articles at the end of this article).

In the current article, I'm focusing on transference in relationships.

Aside from the transference that clients experience in therapy, transference can also occur in everyday relationships, especially romantic relationships.

Transference in Relationships

In general, transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past onto a person in your current life. These can be both positive and negative feelings.

Transference can cause you to react to someone in your current life as if they were someone from your past.  Transference tends to happen more in intimate relationships.

This often leads to misunderstandings in your relationship and emotional responses that don't belong to the present relationship.  This usually occurs because you have unresolved issues from the past that get played out in your relationship.

One of the keys to having healthier relationships is to recognize and understand when you're transferring these feelings and attitudes from the past into your present circumstances (see my article: Learning to Separate Then From Now).

What Does Transference Look Like in Relationships?

• Redirecting Feelings: You redirect feelings from the past onto your current partner. 

• Unconscious Behavior: When you redirect feelings from the past onto your partner, this happens on an unconscious level. For instance, let's say you grew up with a critical father when you were a child and, now that you're an adult, your partner tries to be supportive by making a suggestion about how you can do something in a better way. If you're experiencing transference for your partner, you could hear their suggestion as being critical when it's not. If so, you could experience unexplained anxiety, anger or resentment towards your partner--similar to what you felt towards your critical father. You might get confused about your feelings in the current circumstances because the trigger is outside of your awareness (see my article: Coping With Triggers).

Transference in Relationships

• Replaying Old Patterns: You can replay old patterns from the past in your current relationship and, over time, this leads to unhealthy dynamics between you and your partner.

• Intense Reactions: As mentioned above, reacting to your partner as if they were someone from your past can lead to disproportionate reactions in your current relationship (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Past).

How Can You Manage Transference in Your Current Relationship?

• Develop Awareness: Notice when your reactions seem out of proportion to the situation. Ask yourself:
• Why am I having such a strong reaction to my partner when they're trying to be supportive?
• Have I felt this way before?
• When have I felt this way before?
• What was happening in that past situation?
• How do these feelings from the past remain unresolved for me?

• Be Aware of the Differences Between the Past and the Present: Be aware of how your partner is different from the person in your past. This is often easier said than done when you're trying to do it on your own (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

• Separate the Past From the Present: Make an effort to separate your past self from your present self. For instance, recognize that you're no longer a child struggling with this issue when you experienced it in the past. Also, separate your partner as an individual from the person you reacted to in the past. 

Transference in Relationships

• Communicate: Once you realize you reacted to your partner as if they were someone from the past, communicate this openly to your partner. This can help your partner to understand why you had such a strong reaction towards them. It can also help you to express your feelings under the current situation (as opposed to the past). You can also get clarification from your partner as to what they were actually trying to communicate to you as opposed to what you thought they were saying.

• Seek Help in Therapy: A licensed mental health professional, who is a trauma therapist, can help you to explore the origins of these feelings, learn how to cope with them and, ultimately, learn how to work through whatever unresolved traumatic feelings you have from the past (see my article: Working Through Unsolved Trauma From the Past So It No Longer Affects You in the Present).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jim

Jim and his wife, Tina, usually got along well. But whenever Jim heard Tina telling him how he could be more organized, no matter how kind and supportive she tried to say it, Jim experienced her comments as critical and he reacted angrily.

Transference in Relationships

Immediately after he reacted, he realized his reaction was out of proportion to what Tina was saying to him and he felt confused, guilty and ashamed. Then, he would apologize to Tina and tell her, "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I realize now you're trying to be supportive, but when you said it, I got angry."

Tina usually accepted Jim's apology, but after this occurred several times, she suggested he get help in therapy because she was fed up with his reactions. 

She told him, "I'm afraid to make any kind of suggestion to you, but now that you're calm again, I think you should get help in therapy because you keep having these big reactions and I'm getting fed up."

Jim realized that, even though he felt regret and remorse for overreacting, if he continued to react this way towards Tina, she might leave him. So, he obtained a referral from his primary care physician for psychotherapy.

Jim's doctor referred him to a trauma specialist.

After getting a thorough family history, the trauma therapist helped Jim to realize his reaction belonged to unresolved issues with his father. She told him he was reacting to Tina as if she was his critical father.

Jim told his therapist that his father had a hair trigger temper and whenever Jim made a mistake as a child, instead of trying to be supportive and helpful, his father would lose his temper and criticize Jim.

Jim recalled that, over the course of his childhood, his father yelled at him many times for small mistakes. His father also humiliated him in front of his friends and other family members which left Jim feeling ashamed, angry and upset.

Since Jim's father died, it was no longer possible for Jim to work out these issues with him. But Jim also knew that even if his father was still alive, his father wouldn't have been open to talking about it.

Over time, Jim's therapist helped him to work through his unresolved feelings from the past using EMDR and Parts Work Therapy. 

The work was neither quick nor easy, but Jim stuck with it because he wanted to save his marriage and he didn't want to continue to reacting in the present based on unresolved issues from the past.

As Jim learned to be aware of the present versus the past and to communicate better with Tina, their relationship improved.

By the time he completed trauma therapy, Jim felt relieved to no longer being carrying a burden from the past.

Conclusion

Transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past to someone in your present life.

Transference can occur in any relationship including with your partner, a friend, a family member or your therapist.

Getting Help in Therapy

When you learn to distinguish your unconscious feelings in the present from your unresolved feelings from the past, you can develop a more conscious awareness of what's happening to you.

Although you might realize after you react that you're really reacting to some unresolved issue from the past, your awareness might not be enough to keep you from continually reacting this way.

A licensed mental professional, who is trained to help clients to work through unresolved trauma is called a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

A trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved problems from the past so you're no longer getting triggered and overreacting with your partner.

Once you have worked through your unresolved problems, you can have a healthier relationship and live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through unresolved traumatic issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

My Other Articles About Transference:

What is Transference in Psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference 

Boundary Violations in Therapy  

Psychotherapy and the Idealized Transference. 

What is Survivor Guilt in Family Dynamics?

Survivor guilt in family dynamics usually involves surviving one of the following when other family members have not:

• A traumatic incident
• A difficult or traumatic upbringing
• Achieving a better quality of life than other family members

Survivor Guilt 

Incidents such as the above often lead the "survivor" to feel a sense of remorse, guilt, worthlessness, undeserving as well as responsible for the fate of other family members who weren't as fortunate.

Survivor guilt is often irrational because these individuals usually weren't at fault for the other family members either not surviving or not doing as well as they did.

Key Aspects of Survival Guilt

• Traumatic Loss: A family member dies or suffers serious consequences and the person who experiences survival guilt did not. This might include:

• A car accident
• A natural disaster
• A medical problem

• Generational Trauma: Prior generations suffered under traumatic circumstances and the person who is from a younger generation, who didn't suffer, feels guilty for surviving or not having it "easier" than the previous generation (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?):

• Family violence
• War
• Poverty and/or oppression
• Systemic violence
• Other atrocities, including the Holocaust and other forms of genocide

• Parental Guilt: A parent can experience survivor guilt that they passed on a gene to their child and the child has medical problems as a result. They can feel guilty even though they had no control over passing on this gene.

• Everyday Situations: If one family member achieves success while other family members are not as fortunate, the one who achieves success can feel guilty that they are fortunate while the others are not.  

How Does Survivor Guilt Manifest in Families?

Survival guilt can have a big impact on family relationships including:

• Social Withdrawal: The individual who has been more fortunate might isolate themselves from family activities as a way to avoid dealing with their guilt.

• Overprotectiveness: In order to avoid another loss, the individual who has been more fortunate might become overly protective of the other family members.

Survivor Guilt, Shame and Self Blame

• Shame and Self Blame: These individuals might dwell on how they could have done things differently to help family members--even if, objectively, there was nothing else they could have done (see my article: Self Blame and the Internal Critic).

• Difficulty Feeling Joy: They might believe they don't deserve to experience joy, happiness or success because they feel guilty that they are more fortunate than other family members.

• Atoning Behavior: In order to atone for their good fortune when other family members have suffered, these individuals might be overly giving so they can atone for their good fortune. This is another maladaptive coping strategy.

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes are  composites of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Alan

When Alan was 15, he and his 13 year old brother, Tom, went surfing at the beach during the off season, even though there were red flags posted warning swimmers to stay out of the water due to rough waves from a fast approaching hurricane. Since it was the off season, there were no lifeguards at the beach, but Alan and Tom had fun surfing under similar circumstances before, so they disregarded the warnings.  After a while, Alan took a break to rest on the shore and Tom stayed in the water.  After Alan dried himself off, he turned to call Tom to tell him to come out of the water, but Tom was nowhere to be seen. He jumped back into the water to try to find Tom to no avail and he became frantic. When a police car approached, they called a rescue team who found Tom's lifeless body an hour later. Alan was devastated with sadness and guilt. No one in the family blamed him for Tom's death, but as Tom's older brother, Alan felt responsible. His shame and self blame was so great that he became overly protective of his other younger siblings. Later on in life, he felt guilty that he had career success because Tom never had this opportunity. Alan often engaged in self sabotage and self destructive behavior including excessive drinking. One day his doctor warned him about the connection between excessive drinking and his high blood pressure. Then, he providing Alan with a referral for trauma therapy (see my article: How Can Trauma Therapy Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma?).

Linda

Even though her grandmother never discussed her experiences during the holocaust, Linda knew her grandmother spent time as a young child in a concentration camp in Poland. By the time Linda was born, her grandmother was doing well financially, but she lived like she was poor. Specifically, the grandmother hoarded food because she feared anything could happen where she might not have enough to eat. In addition, when she ate, the grandmother always ate sparingly and saved scraps of food for another day. As a result both Linda and her mother surmised that, as a child, the grandmother probably had very little to eat in the Treblinka concentration camp and now, as an adult, she was always afraid food would become scarce again. The impact on Linda was that she couldn't enjoy food in her grandmother's presence--even foods she normally enjoyed.  Her mother had a similar problem. As time went on, Linda realized she had a problem and she sought help in trauma therapy to prevent her problem from getting worse.

Sara

When she was a child, Sara heard many stories from her father about his family's severe poverty when he waa a child. Her father told her there were many days he and his siblings had nothing to eat. Even though they were hungry, they would tell their parents they weren't because they didn't want their parents to feel bad. Although Sara's parents were doing well financially by the time she was born, she always felt guilty whenever they bought her a gift or new clothes. She felt she didn't deserve to have more than her father had when he was a child. Later on in life when Sara had a successful career, she felt that no matter how much she tried to do for her parents, especially her father, she couldn't do enough. She felt guilty about her financial success and, as a way to assuage her guilt, she bought her parents many gifts--even though they told her they didn't need them.  One day her mother took Sara aside during a family gathering and told Sara she understood why she was buying them so many gifts but, she said, no matter how many gifts she bought them, she couldn't undo her father's childhood poverty. She told Sara that both she and the father wanted her to enjoy her life and they could see how guilt was eating away at her. She suggested Sara get help from a licensed mental health professional who did trauma therapy.

How Can Trauma Therapy Help With Survivor Guilt?

Trauma therapy is an umbrella term that include following types of therapy:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

Survivor Guilt and Trauma Therapy

• Somatic Experiencing

• Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Therapy)

These therapies were developed specifically to help clients to overcome trauma by:

• Processing the Trauma: To work through the trauma in a safe and structured way

• Developing Self Compassion: Helping clients to give themselves compassion to heal

Survivor Guilt and Self Compassion

• Challenging Negative Beliefs: To identity and challenge negative beliefs

• Developing Genuinely Positive Beliefs: Beliefs that are sincere and realistic about  themselves and others

• Grieving Losses: Grieving what has been lost is essential to healing from trauma (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

• Finding a New Purpose: Honoring their losses and channeling their guilt into meaningful behavior like volunteering

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you are struggling with unresolved problems, you're not alone. Help is available.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist.

Overcoming unresolved trauma can help you to live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to heal.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

Getting into a new relationship can be exciting and fun, but if you're bringing old wounds (also known as " emotional baggage") from a prior relationship into a new one, it can create a barrier to a trusting and genuine connection.

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

What Does It Mean to Bring Old Wounds Into a New Relationship?

Old wounds from a prior relationship refers to unresolved issues including:

• Emotional issues
• Beliefs
• Habits

Examples of Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship:

• Mistrust: A person who was cheated on in a prior relationship can have difficulty trusting a new partner--even when there's no reason to mistrust them.

• Fear of Abandonment: A person who was left in an unexpected way can become clingy and overly anxious in a new relationship (see my article: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment in Trauma Therapy).

• Poor Self Esteem: A person who was criticized and put down in a prior relationship can feel unworthy of experiencing love in a new relationship.

• Making Comparisons: If a person constantly compares their new partner to their old partner, this can lead to unnecessary conflict in the new relationship (see my article: Comparisons and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy).

• Hiding Emotions: A person who was hurt when their feelings were used against them might become emotionally guarded and hide their emotions in their new relationship.

What is the Negative Impact of Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

Bringing old wounds into a new relationship creates problems because it can:

• Create Trigger Loops: Past experiences of betrayal or abandonment can cause specific triggers in a new relationship. Your partner might react with anxiety or fear to something relatively minor in your relationship. For instance, if you're mostly on time but one time you're a few minutes late to meet, your partner might get triggered if a prior partner had a lateness problem (see my article: Coping With Triggers).

• Build Walls: Unresolved pain from a prior relationship can build walls in your new relationship. This makes it harder to trust, communicate openly and feel connected with each other (see my article: How Therapy Can Help Bring Down the Wall You've Built Around Yourself).

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

• Cause Fear: Old wounds can create a constant state of fear which isn't compatible with love. This fear can prevent you from being fully in the new relationship. It can also cause you to settle for less than what you deserve.

• Lead to Repeating Negative Patterns: If you don't resolve old issues from the past, you risk recreating them in the new relationship. If you mistake drama and chaos for love or find yourself in a negative cycle of conflict that feels familiar because it's the same negative patterns from the former relationship.

• Prevent You From Being Fully Present in the New Relationship: When you're constantly replaying old events from a former relationship, you're not fully present in the new relationship.  This can create distance in the new relationship and stop the new relationship from developing into a healthy connection.

• Distort Your Self Worth: Baggage from a prior relationship can make you question your sense of self worth. This can lead to accepting less than you deserve. It can also lead to sabotaging the new relationship.

• Prevents the New Relationship From Growing: If can be challenging to move forward when old baggage is holding you back.

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

Here are some tips that might be helpful:

• Increase Self Awareness: Before you react, pause to identify what you're feeling and ask yourself if you're displacing old baggage onto the new relationship. Ask yourself if the situation might remind you of the hurt you experienced in a prior relationship. Are your feelings based on the past or the present situation? (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

• Stay in the Present: Stay in the present moment rather than getting lost in the past. Mindfulness and grounding techniques can help you to stay in the present.

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

• Practice Self Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Recognize that everyone has insecurities and it can take time to heal from old wounds (see my article: Compassionate Self Acceptance).

• Set Healthy Boundaries: Communicate to your new partner what is acceptable to you and what isn't. 

• Communicate Openly: Use "I" statements to communicate with your partner without blaming your partner, For example: "I feel scared when you distance yourself from me and you stop talking. It brings up old feelings of when I felt abandoned as a child."

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

• Stop Comparing: Avoid comparing your new partner to your old partner. This is a new relationship and a new chapter in your life.

• Focus on Building Emotional Safety: Build emotional safety within your new relationship that includes active listening, emotional honesty and empathy (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

• Get Professional Support: A skilled mental health professional can help you to process unresolved feelings from a prior relationship. She can also help you to develop healthier relationship patterns. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how old wounds can affect a new relationship and how therapy can help:

Jack

When Jack and Beth started dating, they had a wonderful time together during the first few months. But by their fourth month together, as the relationship became more emotionally intimate, problems began to surface.

Jack ended a prior two year relationship only a few weeks before he started dating Beth. His prior relationship with Alice was contentious and chaotic. They argued a lot and Beth cheated on Jack.

Jack found out that Beth was cheating with another man when Beth left her computer open and Jack saw sexts from another man. At first, he was stunned.  They had agreed to be monogamous early in the relationship and, even though Jack had opportunities to cheat on Beth when he traveled for work, he never cheated.

When confronted about the texts, Beth admitted she had been talking to a man online, but they had never met in person. She described it as an emotional affair. She said she felt lonely because Jack was away so much for work.  

Neither of them had the necessary communication skills to talk about the emotional affair. Jack told Beth, "Let's put it behind us" and he refused to talk about it.  But he was never able to forgive Beth for cheating.

Over time, Jack's resentment created walls. Gradually they became more and more emotionally distant from each other. They also stopped having sex.

By the end of two years, they both agreed they were unhappy and they decided to end their relationship.

A few months later, Jack met Alice. As previously mentioned, initially their relationship was going well. But in their fourth month together, Jack became jealous whenever Beth had to work on a project with a male colleague, Joe.

Despite reassurance from Beth that there was nothing going on between her and her male colleague, Jack felt anxious and irritable whenever Alice spent time with Joe. He treated Alice like she was cheating--even though there was no evidence of this.

After a few arguments, Alice told Jack she thought he was comparing her to his former girlfriend, Beth and he needed to seek help in therapy to deal with his old wounds or their relationship wasn't going to work.

How to Avoid Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship

When Jack thought about it, he realized Alice was right, so he sought help from a licensed mental health professional to work through his unresolved feelings about his prior relationship.

His therapist was a trauma therapist who helped Jack to heal old wounds using EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy.

While he was working on healing his wounds, Jack also realized that the baggage he was bringing into his new relationship was also related to his childhood when his mother cheated on his father and they almost got a divorce. 

Even though his parents decided to stay together and "put it behind them", they never resolved their problems and they remained emotionally distant. Jack realized that he was repeating the same pattern because he was bringing his unresolved feelings into his relationship with Alice.

Jack's work in therapy was neither quick nor easy. Gradually, he healed his childhood wounds and the wounds he experienced in his relationship with Beth. 

When he made the connection between his old wounds and how he was treating Alice, he communicated openly with her about it.

As he continued to make connections in his trauma therapy, his relationship with Alice improved.

Conclusion

Old emotional wounds from your family of origin and prior relationships can have a negative impact on your current relationship.

Doing the work in therapy to work through old wounds can improve your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Develop a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

Developing a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure can be challenging for many people for a variety of reasons which will be discussed in this article.

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

What Does It Mean to Have an Unhealthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Before we look at what it means to have a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure, let's take a look at what it means to have an unhealthy relationship.

An unhealthy relationship to joy and pleasure often involves seeking external validation and engaging in unsustainable or damaging behavior:

• Dependence and Compulsion includes:

• Intermittent Reinforcement: Unhealthy relationships often include intermittent reinforcement of intense pleasure which are used to tolerate ongoing toxic and or manipulative behavior creating a cycle of dependency.

• Chasing the "High": Compulsive seeking of intense short-term pleasure which can lead to shame, guilt and other negative consequences.

• Imbalance and Exploitation includes:
• Using Others For Pleasure while neglecting their wishes and boundaries

• A Tendency to Prioritize Pleasure While Neglecting Emotional Intimacy and Genuine Connection: There is a tendency to avoid emotional intimacy which results in superficial relationships. The pursuit of pleasure offers only a temporary boost in happiness which creates an ongoing cycle of this dynamic. This creates emotional distance, possibly emotional numbing, loneliness and difficulty expressing emotions and only short term or casual relationships.

• Imposing Control and Having a Sense of Entitlement: Feeling entitled to pleasure without respecting a partner's wishes or boundaries

• Feeling Guilt and Shame: Guilt and shame get in the way of experiencing joy and pleasure

What Does It Mean to Develop a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Developing a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure includes conscious practices including appreciation and presence:

• Practicing Mindfulness: Learning to savor joyous and pleasurable moments--no matter how small (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Mindfulness Meditation).

• Cultivating Gratitude: One way to cultivate gratitude is by keeping a gratitude journal.

• Making Meaningful Connections: Finding joy in helping others and investing in meaningful relationships rather than only seeking immediate gratification (see my article: Why Are Close Friendship Important?).

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Celebrating Small Wins: Acknowledging wins, no matter how small, including a completed task or a delicious meal, which can reinforce your experience of pleasure (see my article: Celebrating Small Wins).

• Balancing Joy and Purpose: Recognizing that, rather than seeing joy as a fleeting state, it can also be a deep, more resilient state of being connected to your purpose and values. 

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Developing Meaningful Connections With Others: Nurture connections rather than focusing on immediate gratification.

• Self Love and Self Care: Take responsibility for your own happiness. Prioritize your physical, emotional and psychological health.

• Emotional Resilience: Finding moments of happiness even during stressful times--not just in external circumstances (see my article: Developing Resilience).

Why Do Some People Struggle to Have a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure?

Many people feel guilty about allowing themselves to experience pleasure for various reasons including:

• Ingrained Cultural Beliefs About Joy and Pleasure: Many cultural beliefs link joy and pleasure to laziness, selfishness, and personal beliefs about feeling like they don't deserve to experience pleasure.

• Learned Beliefs: There might be learned beliefs from family history that links pleasure to selfishness and childishness, which makes the pursuit of pleasure seem wrong.

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Guilt and Shame: For many people pleasure feels like a dereliction of their obligations and responsibilities which engenders guilt and shame (see my article: Overcoming Shame).

• Lack of Self Worth: Many people feel they are not worthy of experiencing pleasure because of their own traumatic history (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

• Fear of Being Judged: Some people fear that if they experience pleasure, others will judge them for it, but it's often their own internal critic that is involved  (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

• Other Personal and Societal Reasons: A variety of other reasons both personal and societal

How Can People Overcome Shame and Guilt About Enjoying Pleasure and Joy?

Working on overcoming shame and guilt about enjoying pleasure and joy can be challenging.

• Start By Identifying the Root Cause: Ask yourself what might have contributed to your negative relationship with pleasure and joy. Is it related to cultural issues, familial messages or other sources?

Developing a Healthy Relationship to Joy and Pleasure

• Question the Story You're Telling Yourself: If you know the root of your problem, question your assumptions to see if they hold up in the light of day. Ask yourself what you would tell a loved one who struggled with this problem.

• Separate Self From Behavior: Move from self criticism to an objective assessment of your relationship with joy and pleasure.

• Seek Help in Therapy: If you have been unable to change a negative relationship with joy and pleasure, seek help in therapy.

Get Help in Therapy

An unhealthy relationship with pleasure and joy can be deeply rooted in your history and this problem can be difficult to overcome on your own. 

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are getting in your way.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to develop a healthy relationship to joy and pleasure.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Glimmers Can Give You a Sense of Ease, Safety and Joy

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

Savoring Pleasure

Sexual Self Discovery and Pleasure Mapping

Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery

Why is Family History Important in Psychotherapy?

New psychotherapy clients, who have never been in therapy before, often ask why therapists ask about family history as part of the beginning phase of therapy.

Talking About Family History as a First Step in Therapy

Why is Family History Important in Psychotherapy?

Here are the main reasons why asking about family history is so important to the success of therapy:

• Family Dynamics: The family dynamics often reflect how someone in that family sees themself and how they interact in their relationships with others, including romantic relationships. Family dynamics, which are internalized at an early age, often remain unconscious until someone begins therapy and learns to see connections between their early experiences and their adult relationships (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

• Attachment Patterns: Attachment patterns developed at an early age tend to affect adult relationships. Similar to internalized family dynamics, attachment patterns are often unconscious so that a client is often unaware of it until they develop insight about the affect of these dynamics in therapy (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Can Affect Your Relationship).

Attachment Styles Develop Early in Childhood

• Transmission of Psychological Trauma: It's not unusual for there to be unprocessed trauma that gets transmitted from one generation to the next in a family. When an individual gets help in trauma therapy, they can see the origins of their trauma and process the trauma so it no longer affects them and it doesn't get passed on to the next generation (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

• Learned Behavior: Individuals often learn patterns of behavior early in their childhood. They might not be aware they learned this behavior, including how to express emotions, how to deal with stress and how to interact with others, until they become aware of these dynamics in therapy. During therapy their therapist helps them to make connections between their current behavior and what they learned (explicitly or implicitly) early in life (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions).

• Genetic Factors: Certain mental health conditions have a genetic component. This includes anxiety, depression, ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), autism spectrum disorder and other mental health conditions. Knowing about the possibility of genetic factors can help a client to understand their risk for developing these conditions, help with early detection and make informed mental health treatment decisions.

How Do Psychotherapists Use Family History Information?

Different therapists use family history information in different ways.

As an Experiential therapist with a specialty in trauma therapy, I like to get a family history during the early phase of therapy.  This is part of history taking which, depending upon what the client wants to work on, includes family history, current family dynamics, the history of other significant relationships as well as the history of the presenting problem.

By having the family history, the client and I can work towards:

• Identify recurring patterns

• Understand the context of the client's current problems

• Develop coping skills, strategies and internal resources to do trauma therapy.

• Process the trauma using various forms of therapy (see below)

Conclusion

Getting a family history during the beginning phase of therapy is an important first step in helping clients to overcome their emotional challenges.

Experiential therapists know the client's awareness and insight isn't enough to heal (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough).

Insight is only the first step before the therapist helps clients to work through and overcome their problems through a variety of Experiential Therapy including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic Psychotherapy
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis
  

• Parts Work Therapy (Internal Family System also known as IFS as well as Ego States Therapy)

• Contemporary Psychodynamic Psychotherapy (also known as depth therapy)

All of these Experiential therapy modalities are effective types of therapy depending upon the client and the presenting problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with emotional issues you have been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.