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I discussed the topic of transference in prior articles as it relates to psychotherapy (see the list of articles at the end of this article).
In the current article, I'm focusing on transference in relationships.
Aside from the transference that clients experience in therapy, transference can also occur in everyday relationships, especially romantic relationships.
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| Transference in Relationships |
In general, transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past onto a person in your current life. These can be both positive and negative feelings.
Transference can cause you to react to someone in your current life as if they were someone from your past. Transference tends to happen more in intimate relationships.
This often leads to misunderstandings in your relationship and emotional responses that don't belong to the present relationship. This usually occurs because you have unresolved issues from the past that get played out in your relationship.
One of the keys to having healthier relationships is to recognize and understand when you're transferring these feelings and attitudes from the past into your present circumstances (see my article: Learning to Separate Then From Now).
What Does Transference Look Like in Relationships?
- Redirecting Feelings: You redirect feelings from the past onto your current partner.
- Unconscious Behavior: When you redirect feelings from the past onto your partner, this happens on an unconscious level. For instance, let's say you grew up with a critical father when you were a child and, now that you're an adult, your partner tries to be supportive by making a suggestion about how you can do something in a better way. If you're experiencing transference for your partner, you could hear their suggestion as being critical when it's not. If so, you could experience unexplained anxiety, anger or resentment towards your partner--similar to what you felt towards your critical father. You might get confused about your feelings in the current circumstances because the trigger is outside of your awareness (see my article: Coping With Triggers).
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| Transference in Relationships |
- Replaying Old Patterns: You can replay old patterns from the past in your current relationship and, over time, this leads to unhealthy dynamics between you and your partner.
- Intense Reactions: As mentioned above, reacting to your partner as if they were someone from your past can lead to disproportionate reactions in your current relationship (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Past).
How Can You Manage Transference in Your Current Relationship?
- Develop Awareness: Notice when your reactions seem out of proportion to the situation. Ask yourself:
- Why am I having such a strong reaction to my partner when they're trying to be supportive?
- Have I felt this way before?
- When have I felt this way before?
- What was happening in that past situation?
- How do these feelings from the past remain unresolved for me?
- Be Aware of the Differences Between the Past and the Present: Be aware of how your partner is different from the person in your past. This is often easier said than done when you're trying to do it on your own (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).
- Separate the Past From the Present: Make an effort to separate your past self from your present self. For instance, recognize that you're no longer a child struggling with this issue when you experienced it in the past. Also, separate your partner as an individual from the person you reacted to in the past.
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| Transference in Relationships |
- Communicate: Once you realize you reacted to your partner as if they were someone from the past, communicate this openly to your partner. This can help your partner to understand why you had such a strong reaction towards them. It can also help you to express your feelings under the current situation (as opposed to the past). You can also get clarification from your partner as to what they were actually trying to communicate to you as opposed to what you thought they were saying.
- Seek Help in Therapy: A licensed mental health professional, who is a trauma therapist, can help you to explore the origins of these feelings, learn how to cope with them and, ultimately, learn how to work through whatever unresolved traumatic feelings you have from the past (see my article: Working Through Unsolved Trauma From the Past So It No Longer Affects You in the Present).
Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:
Jim
Jim and his wife, Tina, usually got along well. But whenever Jim heard Tina telling him how he could be more organized, no matter how kind and supportive she tried to say it, Jim experienced her comments as critical and he reacted angrily.
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| Transference in Relationships |
Immediately after he reacted, he realized his reaction was out of proportion to what Tina was saying to him and he felt confused, guilty and ashamed. Then, he would apologize to Tina and tell her, "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I realize now you're trying to be supportive, but when you said it, I got angry."
Tina usually accepted Jim's apology, but after this occurred several times, she suggested he get help in therapy because she was fed up with his reactions.
She told him, "I'm afraid to make any kind of suggestion to you, but now that you're calm again, I think you should get help in therapy because you keep having these big reactions and I'm getting fed up."
Jim realized that, even though he felt regret and remorse for overreacting, if he continued to react this way towards Tina, she might leave him. So, he obtained a referral from his primary care physician for psychotherapy.
Jim's doctor referred him to a trauma specialist.
After getting a thorough family history, the trauma therapist helped Jim to realize his reaction belonged to unresolved issues with his father. She told him he was reacting to Tina as if she was his critical father.
Jim told his therapist that his father had a hair trigger temper and whenever Jim made a mistake as a child, instead of trying to be supportive and helpful, his father would lose his temper and criticize Jim.
Jim recalled that, over the course of his childhood, his father yelled at him many times for small mistakes. His father also humiliated him in front of his friends and other family members which left Jim feeling ashamed, angry and upset.
Since Jim's father died, it was no longer possible for Jim to work out these issues with him. But Jim also knew that even if his father was still alive, his father wouldn't have been open to talking about it.
Over time, Jim's therapist helped him to work through his unresolved feelings from the past using EMDR and Parts Work Therapy.
The work was neither quick nor easy, but Jim stuck with it because he wanted to save his marriage and he didn't want to continue to reacting in the present based on unresolved issues from the past.
As Jim learned to be aware of the present versus the past and to communicate better with Tina, their relationship improved.
By the time he completed trauma therapy, Jim felt relieved to no longer being carrying a burden from the past.
Conclusion
Transference occurs on an unconscious level when you redirect feelings, attitudes and behavior from the past to someone in your present life.
Transference can occur in any relationship including with your partner, a friend, a family member or your therapist.
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| Getting Help in Therapy |
When you learn to distinguish your unconscious feelings in the present from your unresolved feelings from the past, you can develop a more conscious awareness of what's happening to you.
Although you might realize after you react that you're really reacting to some unresolved issue from the past, your awareness might not be enough to keep you from continually reacting this way.
A licensed mental professional, who is trained to help clients to work through unresolved trauma is called a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).
A trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved problems from the past so you're no longer getting triggered and overreacting with your partner.
Once you have worked through your unresolved problems, you can have a healthier relationship and live a more meaningful life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist
As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through unresolved traumatic issues.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
My Other Articles About Transference:
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