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As children, we're taught to be nice to others.
Being a nice or agreeable person is also rewarded in other settings. For instance, young children's report cards often cite agreeableness as a valued trait: "Johnny plays well with other children" or "Sara shares her toys with her classmates" and so on.
Being Performatively"Nice" to Hide Certain Aspects of a Personality
People who are genuinely agreeable come across as open, authentic and trustworthy with good communication skills, healthy boundaries and a real interest in other people. They have no hidden agenda.
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| Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned? |
But there are people who are "nice" in a performative way to hide certain aspects of their personality. These are often the people who get friend-zoned because others can sense their behavior is really about people-pleasing to mask parts of their personality.
These people have such problems showing others who they really are that their behavior becomes performative as a defense against showing their true self. Instead, they come across as fake, which also known as a false self.
Their behavior can range from insecure, lacking in confidence and non-assertiveness to passive aggressive behavior.
Clinical Vignette
The following vignette is a composite of many different cases:
Larry
By the time Larry started therapy at age 35, he felt hopeless about ever being in a relationship.
He had gone out with a few women, usually for only one or two dates, but he had never been in a committed relationship.
His dating history started in his senior year of college when a woman he liked, Sara, asked him out to lunch.
Sara was friendly and outgoing and she had many friends at college. There were many young men in college who were attracted to her, but she wasn't exclusive with anyone when she asked Larry to go for lunch.
Larry was surprised that Sara asked him out. He considered Sara to be the type of woman who would never be interested in him.
Soon after Sara's invitation, Larry's usual insecurities came up. He feared she wouldn't find him interesting--even though they had a lot in common. He also feared if she got to know him, she wouldn't like him (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That People Won't Like You If They Get to Know You).
As a result, Larry had such a lack of self confidence that he felt he had to be extra nice to Sara on their date. He agreed with everything she said and he went out of his way to do whatever she wanted to do.
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| Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned? |
After they went to lunch a couple of times, Larry was disappointed that Sara was confiding in him like a friend. She even asked him for advice about how to handle a romantic situation about another guy.
When Larry talked to his friend, Ed about this, Ed told him, "You've been friend-zoned. Does she even know you're interested in her?"
In response, Larry told Ed that he couldn't see how Sara wouldn't know because he was bending over backwards to be nice to her. Ed seemed skeptical, "But have you even flirted with her or told her you're attracted to her?"
Larry wasn't sure how to tell Sara he liked her, so he kept putting it off. Then, weeks later, she told him she was interested in another young man at their college, John. When Larry heard her gush about John, he felt crushed and, eventually, he felt angry and resentful.
A few months later, Sara told Larry that she and John were getting an apartment together off campus. Larry felt his heart sink.
Then, Sara said, "Before I met John, I really had a crush on you, but I never got the vibe from you that you were interested."
Larry remained silent, but he was shocked.
Now, at the age of 35, he told his therapist that this was his usual experience with women and he couldn't understand why this was happening to him, "I'm so nice to them and they don't appreciate it. Maybe they prefer guys who aren't nice."
Larry's therapist helped him to see that what he described as "nice" was really his way of hiding parts of his personality, including his erotic self, and that the women he dated didn't know he was interested in them because he suppressed his erotic self (see my articles: What is Eroticism? and What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).
They did Parts Work Therapy to help Larry explore the different aspects of his personality that he disliked so much and he tried to keep them hidden (see my article: How Does Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Get to Know Yourself?)
The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, especially since Larry had so much shame.
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Over time, Larry practiced self compassion and self acceptance and this helped to boost his self confidence with women.
After he learned to be attuned to his own eroticism and he allowed that part of himself to emerge when he was interested in a woman, his romantic and sex life improved.
Conclusion
Being nice (or agreeable) can be a positive trait when it's genuine.
But when being "nice" is a defense against showing your true self, other people can sense that the agreeableness is performative and it comes across as being fake. This is one of the reasons why many men get friend-zoned by women.
In the vignette above, Larry lacked self confidence and he was out of touch with his erotic self, so women he was interested in didn't even know it. They assumed he wasn't interested in them.
But once he overcame his shame, developed self confidence and he became attuned to his own eroticism, he was able to allow this part of himself to emerge so that women knew he was interested in them and he was no longer friend-zoned.
There can be many different reasons why people, knowingly or unknowingly, hide parts of themselves with the result that they come across as fake.
Parts Work Therapy and other types of Experiential Therapy can help you to become more attuned to your true self so that you come across as more genuine.
Aside from Parts Work Therapy, other types of Experiential Therapy that can help include:
- EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing
- AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)
Getting Help in Experiential Therapy
If you're struggling with lack of confidence and you think you might be hiding aspects of your personality, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who does Parts Work Therapy or another form of Experiential Therapy.
Learning to attune to yourself and feeling confident enough to show your authentic self can help you to have a more fulfilling life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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