Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

As children, we're taught to be nice to others.

Being a nice or agreeable person is also rewarded in other settings. For instance, young children's report cards often cite agreeableness as a valued trait: "Johnny plays well with other children" or "Sara shares her toys with her classmates" and so on.

Being  Performatively"Nice" to Hide Certain Aspects of a Personality

People who are genuinely agreeable come across as open, authentic and trustworthy with good communication skills, healthy boundaries and a real interest in other people. They have no hidden agenda.

Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

But there are people who are "nice" in a performative way to hide certain aspects of their personality. These are often the people who get friend-zoned because others can sense their behavior is really about people-pleasing to mask parts of their personality.

These people have such problems showing others who they really are that their behavior becomes performative as a defense against showing their true self. Instead, they come across as fake, which also known as a false self.

Their behavior can range from insecure, lacking in confidence and non-assertiveness to passive aggressive behavior.

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette is a composite of many different cases:

Larry

By the time Larry started therapy at age 35, he felt hopeless about ever being in a relationship.

He had gone out with a few women, usually for only one or two dates, but he had never been in a committed relationship.

His dating history started in his senior year of college when a woman he liked, Sara, asked him out to lunch. 

Sara was friendly and outgoing and she had many friends at college. There were many young men in college who were attracted to her, but she wasn't exclusive with anyone when she asked Larry to go for lunch.

Larry was surprised that Sara asked him out. He considered Sara to be the type of woman who would never be interested in him.

Soon after Sara's invitation, Larry's usual insecurities came up. He feared she wouldn't find him interesting--even though they had a lot in common. He also feared if she got to know him, she wouldn't like him (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That People Won't Like You If They Get to Know You).

As a result, Larry had such a lack of self confidence that he felt he had to be extra nice to Sara on their date. He agreed with everything she said and he went out of his way to do whatever she wanted to do. 

Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

After they went to lunch a couple of times, Larry was disappointed that Sara was confiding in him like a friend. She even asked him for advice about how to handle a romantic situation about another guy.

When Larry talked to his friend, Ed about this, Ed told him, "You've been friend-zoned. Does she even know you're interested in her?"

In response, Larry told Ed that he couldn't see how Sara wouldn't know because he was bending over backwards to be nice to her.  Ed seemed skeptical, "But have you even flirted with her or told her you're attracted to her?"

Larry wasn't sure how to tell Sara he liked her, so he kept putting it off.  Then, weeks later, she told him she was interested in another young man at their college, John. When Larry heard her gush about John, he felt crushed and, eventually, he felt angry and resentful.

A few months later, Sara told Larry that she and John were getting an apartment together off campus. Larry felt his heart sink. 

Then, Sara said, "Before I met John, I really had a crush on you, but I never got the vibe from you that you were interested."

Larry remained silent, but he was shocked.

Now, at the age of 35, he told his therapist that this was his usual experience with women and he couldn't understand why this was happening to him, "I'm so nice to them and they don't appreciate it. Maybe they prefer guys who aren't nice."

Larry's therapist helped him to see that what he described as "nice" was really his way of hiding parts of his personality, including his erotic self, and that the women he dated didn't know he was interested in them because he suppressed his erotic self (see my articles: What is Eroticism? and What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

They did Parts Work Therapy to help Larry explore the different aspects of his personality that he disliked so much and he tried to keep them hidden (see my article: How Does Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Get to Know Yourself?)

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, especially since Larry had so much shame.

Over time, Larry practiced self compassion and self acceptance and this helped to boost his self confidence with women.

After he learned to be attuned to his own eroticism and he allowed that part of himself to emerge when he was interested in a woman, his romantic and sex life improved.

Conclusion

Being nice (or agreeable) can be a positive trait when it's genuine.

But when being "nice" is a defense against showing your true self, other people can sense that the agreeableness is performative and it comes across as being fake.  This is one of the reasons why many men get friend-zoned by women.

In the vignette above, Larry lacked self confidence and he was out of touch with his erotic self, so women he was interested in didn't even know it. They assumed he wasn't interested in them. 

But once he overcame his shame, developed self confidence and he became attuned to his own eroticism, he was able to allow this part of himself to emerge so that women knew he was interested in them and he was no longer friend-zoned.

There can be many different reasons why people, knowingly or unknowingly, hide parts of themselves with the result that they come across as fake.

Parts Work Therapy and other types of Experiential Therapy can help you to become more attuned to your true self so that you come across as more genuine.

Aside from Parts Work Therapy, other types of Experiential Therapy that can help include:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

• Somatic Experiencing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

If you're struggling with lack of confidence and you think you might be hiding aspects of your personality, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who does Parts Work Therapy or another form of Experiential Therapy.

Learning to attune to yourself and feeling confident enough to show your authentic self can help you to have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Power of Making a Commitment

How wonderful it is to have an inspirational idea or a flash of insight that gives us that heady feeling of elation! That moment when the light bulb burns bright in your brain. Suddenly, you know intuitively what you need to do and you can't wait to get started. But when you think back on the many inspirational ideas and flashes of insight that you've had, how many of them have you brought to fruition? As wonderful as inspirational ideas might be, without the power of commitment, they will remain just fleeting ideas that don't go anywhere.

The Power of Making a Commitment

Whether it's an idea, a relationship, a career path, or a desire for self improvement, in order to succeed at whatever you've chosen to do, you'll need a strong commitment and the will and determination to see it through even when the going gets rough.

Successful People Usually Have the Power of Commitment:
One of the important differences between people who are successful and people who are not, whether it's success in relationships or success in careers (or however you're defining success) is that successful people usually have unshakable will and the power of commitment to do whatever it is that they set out to do. That doesn't mean that they always succeed in everything that they do, but they tend to succeed more often than the people who get easily discouraged and abandon their ideas, relationships or dreams.

Having said that, there are times when you have to reconsider what you might have wanted initially. For instance, if you've decided to that you want to overcome your fear of skiing and you're driving with all due determination to Vermont, but you realize that you're going the wrong way, you'll need to back track or get new directions in order for you to get to where you want to go.

In the same vein, if you've met someone that you think is wonderful and you feel determined to make that relationship work, but you find out that this person isn't trustworthy, sheer determination and commitment won't change what is bound to be an unhealthy relationship. So, determination doesn't mean that you plow ahead stubbornly no matter what.

Have You Noticed Certain Detrimental Patterns in Yourself When It Comes to Making Commitments?
At the same time, if you find that you have a pattern of starting out with enthusiasm and then getting easily discouraged, that's a different matter. The emphasis here is on the word "pattern." It's one thing to change course when it's necessary in certain instances and it's another thing if your tendency is to give up because of fear, frustration or lack of self confidence. A pattern of giving up often exacerbates a fragile sense of confidence, making it more difficult to try the next time.

Fear Can Be a Powerful Obstacle in Following Through with Your Commitments:
Everyone has had to face fear in his or her life. Whether you encounter fear of failure or fear of success or fear of fear, you're bound to encounter some degree of fear when you step outside of your comfort zone, especially with a new relationship, idea or venture. Following through and sticking with it often involves risk which can be frightening. Hopefully, these risks are calculated risks and not rash actions that are not well thought out. But even calculated risks can be frightening.

Having the fear is one thing, but allowing the fear to paralyze you until you're too frozen to move forward is something else.

Successful People Often Feel Confident in Themselves:
Aside from being committed, determined and having a strong will to succeed, successful people usually feel confident in themselves. Even when faced with a crowd of naysayers, they usually feel confident that, despite obstacles, they're going to succeed. (Now, when I say "confident," I don't mean arrogant.) Often, their confidence stems from having a track record of having overcoming many obstacles and succeeding in the past due to the power of their commitment to whatever it is their attempting to do.

The following fictionalized scenario, which does not represent any one person or persons, demonstrates how the power of commitment can make all the difference:

Dan and Jane:
Dan and Jane were both hired on the same day to work as managers in different departments for a medium size consulting firm. Both of them reported to the same director. Both of them were told at the outset that the organization had gone through many changes, morale was low, and that part of their mission in their respective departments was to help employees transition through these organizational changes and to boost morale and productivity.

Both Dan and Jane started out with a lot of enthusiasm and had many ideas on how to improve things in their departments. Each of them met weekly with the director to discuss their plans and how to implement them.

Several months later, they both encountered problems with organizational politics as well as resistance from their employees to new ideas. Both of them were under a lot of stress to turn things around despite the obstacles that they encountered. Both of them worked long hours to revise and modify their plans, in the face of certain obstacles, and they presented these revisions to the director.

They each felt a certain amount of frustration. However, the way that each of them handled his and her frustration was completely different. Whereas both of them started with a lot of enthusiasm, Dan handled his frustration and stress by allowing himself to feel discouraged. Jane, on the other hand, used her frustration and stress to fuel her passion to get the job done. Whereas Dan's confidence began to plummet with each new obstacle that he encountered, Jane was tenacious. She kept forging ahead feeling confident that she would succeed despite the obstacles.

By year end, Dan felt burnt out and discouraged. His confidence was at an all time low. As a result, he scheduled a meeting with his director to talk about resigning. Jane also had a difficult year and she didn't accomplish everything that she hoped to do, but her commitment to the process was so strong that she continued to feel passionate and excited about her work.

When Dan met with his director, the director refused to accept Dan's resignation. The director knew that Dan was a good manager with excellent ideas, but he lacked the power of commitment and the confidence that he needed to see projects through to completion. He talked to Dan about his own experiences with these obstacles early on in his career and how much he was helped by going to therapy to work them out. He recommended that Dan seek help.

Dan was moved by his director's self disclosure and the director's confidence in him. After his talk with the director, Dan felt inspired and motivated to start therapy. Although he did not tell his director this, he knew that throughout his life he would often start out with enthusiasm and drive, but when problems arose, he would allow himself to get easily discouraged and abandon his efforts before completion. He knew that he was not as confident in himself as he would like to be. He also knew that whenever he abandoned his efforts because he felt discouraged, this made him feel worse about himself so it became a vicious cycle. More than anything, Dan wanted to get out of this vicious cycle so he could feel confident and accomplished in his life.

Dan began psychotherapy feeling motivated to change. But as soon as he and his therapist began talking about difficult early childhood issues which were at the root of Dan's problems, he started to feel uncomfortable and less enthusiastic about his therapy. Gradually, he started finding reasons to cancel his sessions. At times, his reasons were legitimate but, more often than not, his reasons were a cover up for avoiding his fear of dealing with these difficult personal issues.

When his therapist pointed out to Dan that he was starting to do the same thing in therapy that he did in the rest of his life when he felt fearful, frustrated or discouraged, Dan recognized that his therapist was right. He also recognized that fear was a powerful obstacle in deterring him from completing many goals in his life as well as from staying in relationships that had some problems but were otherwise healthy relationships.

As Dan continued in therapy, he and his therapist worked on how Dan could move through his fear without letting it stop him. He realized that successful people often have fears, but they move forward anyway without allowing their fears to paralyze them. More than anything, he wanted to learn how to do this for himself too. With help from his therapist, he learned to manage his fear and stress level through mindfulness meditation, yoga, working out at the gym, continuing to talk about it and learn new tools in his psychotherapy sessions.

Throughout this process, whenever he felt tempted to leave therapy, Dan dealt with his fear directly rather than allowing himself to make excuses around it. In doing this, he renewed his commitment to his therapy and to overcoming his problems. His renewed commitment allowed him to get through the difficult times in therapy. Seeing that he could get through the difficult times gave him more confidence that he could overcome his personal obstacles.

Within a few months, Dan was on an upward spiral. Not only was he more open and motivated in his therapy, but he also felt renewed energy, motivation and commitment at work. When he met with his director, the director commented on noticing the changes in Dan and told him to keep up the good work.

Within the next year, Dan got involved with a woman that he really cared about a lot. When he recognized the first signs of his feeling discouraged and less committed when relatively minor problems developed, he knew that he was encountering his lifelong pattern with relationships, and he was able to work through this in his therapy. Rather than allowing fear to immobilize him or cause him to leave the relationship precipitously, he stuck it out and renewed his commitment to the relationship, which proved to be instrumental in working out their problems.

The reasons why people lose their sense of commitment are as varied as the people themselves. There is no one-size fits all solution or "magic bullet." And, as previously mentioned, the power of commitment doesn't always mean that you succeed in everything that you do. But, when you feel committed and passionate, you're more likely to succeed in the long run.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you recognize in yourself a pattern of abandoning your commitments, you owe it to yourself and to your loved ones to overcome this problem. Working through this type of problem is not always easy, but it often makes for a more rewarding and fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome their fears about making commitments so that they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist 

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Low Self Esteem?

Self esteem is a big topic. I'll be covering this topic in a few posts.

What is Low Self Esteem?

To understand what low self esteem is, let's define what we mean by self esteem.

Self esteem is how we see and feel about ourselves.

Low self esteem is when we have a low opinion of ourselves.

Ask yourself:

Have I ever described myself as being weak, stupid, unlovable, or powerless?

Do I tend to compare myself unfavorably to others?

Do I have negative feelings about my appearance? Do I think that people won't like me because I feel too fat or too thin?

Do I tend to engage in negative self talk?

When I go to a party or some other social event, do I feel that I won't have anything interesting to say and that the other people there won't want to meet me?

If you have answered "yes" to two or more of these questions, you might be struggling with low self esteem and you might benefit from psychotherapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up an appointment call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See my articles: 
What is Low Self Esteem?
Is Your Relationship Damaging Your Self Esteem?
Low Self Esteem? Take Steps to Increase Your Sense of Self Worth