Relationships: What's the Difference Between Trying to "Fix" Your Partner and Being Emotionally Supportive?

When your partner is distressed, anxious or depressed, it's natural for you to want to be emotionally supportive. But some people confuse being emotionally supportive with trying to "fix" their partner's problems, so it's important to understand the difference.

"Fixing" vs Being Emotionally Supportive

What's the Difference Between Trying to "Fix" Your Partner's Problems and Being Emotionally Supportive?

The main difference between trying to "fix" a problem and being emotionally supportive has to do with the intent and focus of what you do.

Trying to "Fix" the Problem:

Trying to "fix" your partner's problems involves:

• Your Approach: You treat your partner's problems like a puzzle to be solved.

• Your Goal: To eliminate the source of your partner's pain as quickly as possible. This might mean that you have a problem tolerating your partner's emotional distress, so you want it their distress to disappear as soon as possible. If this is the case, your own psychological work to do about this.

• Your Behavior: Giving your partner unsolicited advise, suggesting specific actions or taking on the problem yourself leads to your overfunctioning for your partner instead of allowing them to handle it with your emotional support (see my article: Are You Overfunctioning in Your Relationship?).

• Potential Problems: Your actions can signal to your partner that you think they are incapable of handling their problem. This can lead to your partner feeling belittled, frustrated, angry and resentful--even though you have good intentions. It can also set up a parent-child dynamic which usually has a detrimental impact on a relationship.

Being Emotionally Supportive:

• Your Approach: You prioritize "feeling with" your partner as opposed to "doing it for them".

• Your Goal: You create a safe space where your partner can feel seen, heard and understood (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

• Your Behavior: Your behavior includes active listening, validating their feelings and offering comfort, like a hug if that's what your partner wants (see my article: Ask Your Partner If They Need to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged).

• Potential Benefits: Being emotionally supportive helps to create emotional intimacy between you and your partner. It can also build your partner's confidence that they have the capacity to solve their problems.

Clinical Vignettes

An Example of Trying to "Fix" the Problem

Emma and Bill:

Emma's husband, Bill, had a serious drinking problem. Although he promised he would stop drinking many times, he would stop for a day or two, but when he felt anxious, he would drink excessively again. Emma was very concerned about Bill's drinking and she wanted to help him, so she would throw out bottles of alcohol and make excuses to his boss when he was too hungover to go to work. 

Trying to "Fix" the Problem

After Bill was arrested twice for driving while intoxicated (DWI), he was court mandated to attend alcohol treatment. As part of the program, spouses attended groups to become educated about alcohol abuse and to learn how to be supportive without being codependent.  Through these groups, Emma learned that what she perceived as being helpful was actually detrimental to Bill's sobriety and she learned to focus on herself. Over time, Bill learned to lead a sober life one day at a time (see my article: What's the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

An Example of Being Emotionally Supportive

Jack and Dan:

Jack's husband, Dan, suffered with anxiety since he was a child. Whenever Jack sensed that Dan's anxiety was especially high, he would prioritize spending time with him to actively listen to and validate Dan's concerns. Dan felt safe talking to Jack because Jack was emotionally supportive and not critical or judgmental. Dan also knew that Jack wasn't trying to "fix" him. Instead, Jack was empathetic and he had a lot of patience with Dan. Eventually, he suggested that Dan seek help in therapy. 

Being Emotionally Supportive

At first, Dan didn't follow through, but Jack never tried to pressure Dan or get angry with Dan that he wasn't following through with seeking help. Then, one day Dan had a panic attack on the subway while he was going to work. At first, he didn't know what was happening to him, but once the panic attack subsided, he realized his anxiety was getting worse. Somewhat reluctantly, Dan sought help in therapy to deal with his anxiety. A few weeks into his therapy, Dan was relieved that he sought help because he was learning new tools and strategies to deal with his anxiety. And, eventually, his therapist helped Dan to deal with his unresolved trauma that contributed to his anxiety by using a combination of Parts Work and EMDR therapy (see my article: Trauma Therapy: Combining Parts Work and EMDR Therapy).

Conclusion

Although you might have the best intentions and your inclination might be to try to solve your partner's problems, in the long run, you could be doing more harm than good.

Being emotionally supportive by being attuned, empathetic and validating your partner's feelings will be more helpful to your partner and your emotional support can strengthen the bonds between you.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.