Dating: How to Move Beyond Small Talk

A steady stream of small talk during the initial phase of dating can be boring and feel superficial (see my article: What to Talk About on a First Date).

Moving Beyond Small Talk on a Date

Small talk lacks depth and fails to create a meaningful connection when you're trying to get to know someone.

Aside from this, it can be disappointing when the conversation remains on this level because the interaction feels flat and uninspiring.

People who cannot communicate beyond small talk will often find it difficult to transition to build momentum and excitement in the conversation. 

Suggestions on How to Move Beyond Small Talk

• Express Curiosity: Show you're interested in what your date is saying by showing your curiosity.  Ask open-ended questions. If there's something your date says that you don't understand, ask clarifying questions. If you can share a similar experience, you can show you relate to what they're talking about.

Moving Beyond Small Talk on a Date

• Share Personal Insights and Experiences: Open up and share a little bit about yourself. This can be a personal interest of yours, a small personal challenge or a recent experience.

Moving Beyond Small Talk on a Date

• Try to Find Common Ground: Talk about your interests and hobbies to see if you can find common ground with your date. This will provide you with an opportunity to explore your mutual interests together and deepen your connection.

Moving Beyond Small Talk on a Date

• Practice Active Listening: Pay attention to what your date is communicating both verbally and nonverbally. Avoid interrupting or jumping to conclusions and allow your date to finish what they're saying.

If you're able to follow these tips, you can move beyond small talk and develop a genuine connection.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Floodlighting: How to Stop Oversharing During the Initial Stage of Dating

Why Do Some People Prefer to Text Instead of Meeting in Person?

Dating Again in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

Are You Dating or in a Relationship?

Why Do People Leave Relationships By Ghosting?

Helpful Tips on How to Make the Most Out of Your Couples Therapy

Couples therapy can be a transformative experience (see my article: What is EFT Couples Therapy?).

A skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner to overcome challenges in your relationship.

How to Make the Most Out of Couples Therapy

To get the most out of couples therapy, it's important to understand that it's common to feel a certain amount of anxiety and ambivalence, especially if you don't know what to expect (see my article: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious and Ambivalent at the Start of Therapy).

To help reduce your anxiety, it's helpful to know how to approach couples therapy so you can get the most out of it. 

What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?

Couples can talk about a variety of issues (see my article: What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?).

Here are just a few of the issues that couples talk about in couples therapy:

• Communication problems

• Fear of intimacy
  

• Moving in together or getting married

• Sharing the mental load

• Infertility issues

• Grief and loss related to miscarriages

• Grief and loss due to the loss of a child

• Parenting issues

• Blended family issues

• Different perspectives about managing money

• Sexual issues

• Opening up your relationship to see other people (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?)

• Aging

• Infidelity
  

• Problems with in-laws

• Retirement issues

• Divorce and co-parenting

• Taking care of aging parents

• Other major issues 

What Are the Do's and Don'ts in Couples Therapy

Do's in Couples Therapy:

• Approach Couples Therapy With Curiosity and Openness: It's important to state your feelings openly and honestly to your partner and to the couples therapist in session.

• Talk About What You Want: Being able to tell your couples therapist and your partner what you want to get out of couples therapy will help to define your goals. You might even be surprised that your partner might have different goals and these differences might need to be negotiated.

How to Make the Most Out of Couples Therapy

• Set Realistic Goals: Once you and your partner have agreed to what you want to get out of therapy, set realistic goals for the couples therapy. When you have goals, the couples therapy has direction and you can assess your progress. However, it's also important to know that progress in therapy isn't linear. This means that setbacks (where you take two steps forward and one step back) are a normal part of the process, so don't get discouraged (See my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Learner).

• Practice Active Listening in Your Sessions: Learning to actively listen to what your partner and your couples therapist say is an important part of couples therapy (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship).

• Practice the Skills You Learn in Couples Therapy Between Sessions: Use the skills you learn in couples therapy between sessions so you can continue to hone your skills in your daily life with your partner.  If you run into obstacles, talk about it at your next couples therapy session so you can continue to develop these skills.  There might also be some topics that you and your partner will only discuss in couples therapy sessions until you both develop the necessary skills to talk about these issues between sessions.

Don'ts in Couples Therapy:

• Don't Wait Too Long to Start Couples Therapy: Many couples wait until they're ready to end the relationship to get help. Getting into couples therapy becomes their "last ditch effort". By then, it's often too late. The sooner you get help the better.

• Don't Focus on "Fixing" Your Partner: Focus on what you want to change about yourself in the relationship instead of having the attitude that you're there to "fix" your partner.

How to Make the Most Out of Couples Therapy

• Avoid Critical, Contemptuous or Defensive Behavior: You and your partner need to learn to approach your problems as a team rather than pointing fingers or blaming one another (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Avoiding the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse").

• Avoid Trying to "Fix" Your Partner: You and your partner need to approach your problems like a team, as previously mentioned. Instead, focus on the areas where you can grow.  Couples usually have negative patterns that each partner contributes to in their dynamic. So, part of the work in couples therapy is for you and your partner to learn work together as a team to change the negative patterns.

• Avoid Contacting the Therapist Privately Without Your Partner's Knowledge: Most couples therapists do individual sessions to get family and relationship history. However, other than those individual sessions, avoid speaking, texting or emailing the therapist without your partner's knowledge because this can undermine the therapy.  The couple is the client in couples therapy--not the individuals in relationship. Contacting the therapist privately without the other partner's knowledge often occurs when one person is trying to get the couples therapist to align with them against the partner, which a skilled couples therapist will not do.

• Avoid Keeping Secrets From Your partner and Your Therapist: Most couples therapists will not keep an individual's secrets in couples therapy. Keeping secrets from the therapist or your partner will become an obstacle to progress in therapy. For instance, if you're having a secret affair, most couples therapist will not work with you and your partner because the affair would be undermining your relationship.

Conclusion

Couples therapy can be beneficial for couples who are experiencing problems in their relationship.

You and your partner can learn to come together as a team in couples therapy to overcome the obstacles in your relationship.

If you and your partner decide that it would be best to end the relationship, a couples therapist can help you both to end the relationship as amicably as possible and come to an agreement about how to talk to your children about the end of the relationship and how to co-parent if these issues are applicable.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Tips on How to Listen to Your Partner Without Getting Defensive

One of the most difficult things to do is to listen to your partner without getting defensive when they're upset about something you did or didn't do (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).

How to Communicate With Your Partner

Most people have the urge to interrupt their partner to defend themselves, "That's not what I meant!" or "You didn't understand what I said!" But when you interrupt your partner, both of you feel frustrated and neither of you feels heard.  

ATTUNE

Dr. John Gottman, relationship and research expert, came up with the acronym ATTUNE to help couples to build trust in each other so they can have a healthier relationship:

A = Awareness

T = Turning Toward

T = Tolerance

U = Understanding

N = Non-defensive

E = Empathetic

• Awareness: Awareness refers to developing an awareness of your partner's thoughts, feelings and current circumstances. You acknowledge your partner's emotions and you can do this by asking your partner how they're doing and actively listening to what they say.

• Turning Towards: When you turn towards your partner, you reach out to your partner when you sense they need emotional connection. This means you care enough about your partner to reach out whether what they're going through is positive or negative.

• Tolerance: Tolerance refers to the ability to listen to your partner's thoughts and feelings even if it's different from your own. This means that if their thoughts and feelings are different, you can temporarily put aside your feelings to accept your partner's reality without interjecting your own feelings, thoughts or beliefs. This doesn't mean that you agree with your partner--it means you respect your partner's experience.

• Understanding: To understand your partner, you put aside your feelings, thoughts and beliefs temporarily so you can dip into and understand your partner's experience. If their experience is unclear to you, ask for their help, "Can you help me to understand your experience?" Your partner needs to feel you understand their experience before you tell them how you feel.

How to Communicate With Your Partner

• Non-defensive: Non-defensive listening is an effective way to respond to your partner's experience--even if it feels uncomfortable to you or you don't agree.  As a non-defensive listener, your job is to help your partner to clarify their experience. This means you focus on your partner's experience without getting defensive or attacking your partner. Before you respond to your partner, ask yourself if what you're about to say will clarify your partner's experience or if it will be dismissing or attacking your partner. To ensure you understand your partner's experience, repeat the basic message you heard and wait for your partner's response that you have either understood them or not. If you haven't grasped what they are saying, ask for clarification until your partner tells you that you understand. When you can respond without judgment or an argument, you are encouraging your partner to trust you and open up to you (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

• Empathetic: Empathetic responding shows your partner that you can dip into and feel their experience. By acknowledging and validating your partner's experience, you show them that you are responding with empathy. 

Defensive vs Non-defensive Listening

The "N" in Dr. Gottman's ATTUNE stands for non-defensive, as mentioned above.

Listening and responding non-defensively is a difficult skills for many people to learn. It's especially hard if what your partner is saying involves a complaint about you or something that triggers an emotional reaction in you.

How to Communicate With Your Partner

For instance, if you and your partner live together and you have agreed to fold the laundry after the dryer stops and you don't do it, your partner might say, "We agreed to fold the clothes when the dryer stops, but you didn't do that and now the clothes are all wrinkled." Your immediate reaction might be, "Don't tell me what to do! You're not my mother!"

Maybe you react this way because you feel your partner is trying to control you. Or, maybe you react this way because you feel embarrassed that you didn't live up to your part of the agreement. 

Either way, you're responding defensively, and you need to learn to calm yourself so you can respond non-defensively.

Learning to Self Soothe to Respond Non-defensively

In the example above, regardless of why you reacted defensively, you need to learn to self soothe by calming yourself before you respond to your partner.

You can do this by:

• Slowing down: Even though you might want to lash out at your partner by interrupting them or invalidating their experience, take a moment to slow down and calm yourself. Focus on relaxing your body by breathing. If your partner isn't sure what you're doing, explain to them that you're trying to calm yourself so you can respond empathetically.

Slow Down and Breathe to Calm Yourself

• Don't Take Your Partner's Comments Personally: Even though your partner is annoyed and might be angry with you, try not to take their comments personally. Try to understand that they're trying to communicate what is making them unhappy and what they want to change. If you see it from that perspective, you're less likely to get triggered and respond defensively.

• Ask For Clarification: If you're not understanding what your partner is trying to tell you, ask for clarification so you don't jump to conclusions about what they're saying.

• Take a Break: If you're having a hard time calming yourself, tell your partner you want to take a break so you can regroup and come back to discuss the issue calmly. Before you take a break, make sure you both agree on the timeframe to come back to talk (Will it be in 10 minutes? or 30 minutes?) and then return at the appointed time in a calmer state. 

Getting Help in Therapy

Most of us were not taught how to communicate in a non-defensive way with a partner.

Get Help in Therapy to Improve Your Relationship

A skilled psychotherapist, who works with couples, can help you to develop non-defensive communication skills.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified mental health practitioner so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learn to Communicate More Effectively in Your Relationship

In my prior articles,  The Importance of Active Listening and Are You Having Problems Communicating in Your Relationship?, I outlined some of the communication problems that couples often have in their relationship and the mistakes that they make that get in the way of effective communication.

As I mentioned in a prior article, it's a good idea, before criticizing your spouse, to take a look at your style of communication first to see if you're making some of the most common communication mistakes, which I outlined in that article.

Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship

In order to clarify the issues that I discussed in my prior articles, I'll give a fictionalized scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed (to protect confidentiality).  This fictionalized scenario includes some of the common communication problems that couples have:

Sharon and Bill
Sharon and Bill came to couples counseling because, after five years of marriage, they were considering separating due to their frequent arguments.  When they weren't arguing, they often ignored each other and just coexisted in the same household.

Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship

Sharon's complaint was that she felt that Bill didn't listen to her.  Bill responded that Sharon was too critical and she tended to bring up old problems that he felt they had already resolved, and this made him feel overwhelmed.

Sharon countered that she wouldn't feel it was necessary to keep bringing up old issues if the current issues didn't feel so much like the old issues.

After several minutes of each of them pointing their fingers at each other, I reminded them of one of the ground rules that we discussed at the beginning of the couples counseling session, which was that each of them would speak from his or her own experience rather than making accusations.

Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship

After they each took deep breaths to calm down, I asked them to try an exercise:

Each one of them would take a turn in speaking from his or her own experience, without accusations.

The role of the person who was speaking was to get to the point without a long monologue and with as much compassion and empathy as he or she could muster for the other person and without accusations.   He or she had to communicate in a respectful way without using generalizations or speaking in a demeaning or manipulative way.

The role of the person listening was to listen actively--without interrupting.  As I mentioned in a prior article, active listening is an important skill that many people in relationships need to learn.

Active listening involves really hearing what the other person says and empathizing with the other person's point of view even if you don't agree with it.

In other words, you place yourself in the other person's shoes, if only for a few minutes, to try to understand the other person.  You focus completely on the other person. You're not waiting impatiently for the other person to stop talking so you can respond back.

Both roles, the role of the one speaking and the role of the one listening, can be challenging, especially if you and your spouse are stuck in certain negative communication habits.  But I think the role of listening actively is the most challenging because it's hard to put aside your own feelings sometimes, even for a moment, to consider your spouse's point of view, especially during a heated conversation.

Like many couples, Bill and Sharon had difficulty with this exercise and they needed a lot of practice.  Both of them felt frustrated and annoyed, and we needed to stop to help them focus on what the purpose of their seeking couples counseling was all about.

Was it more important to "win" the conversation by out talking or out maneuvering or was it more important to improve their relationship?

When each of them calmed down, they agreed that they wanted to improve their relationship because they each feared that it wouldn't last if it kept spiraling down the way that it had been.

I asked them to take turns at home practicing the exercise they learned in their couples counseling session.  I also asked each of them to keep a journal of their experiences in counseling and at home.

I also met with each of them individually for a session to find out if there was anything brewing under the surface that either of them were hesitant to talk about in the couples sessions.  

In addition, I used the individual sessions to get each of their family histories to see if there were any old family patterns that were repeating themselves in their relationship.

Fortunately, there weren't any issues that either of them wouldn't talk about in the couple sessions.  However, both Bill and Sharon were repeating patterns, without even realizing it, that their parents engaged in.

When we talked about the reoccurring patterns from one generation to the next, it was an eye-opening experience for both Sharon and Bill.  They were each both surprised and dismayed that they were repeating patterns that they disliked in each of their parents' marriages.

Of course, this is very common, but once people become aware of the patterns that they're repeating, they have an opportunity to change them (see my article:  Discovering that You've Developed the Same Traits that You Disliked in Your Parents).

There was no magic bullet for Bill and Sharon, but they made a commitment to change, they came regularly and they used the tools that they learned in couples counseling to improve their relationship.

Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship

Over time, they improved their communication and recommitted themselves to their relationship.

Changing Patterns in a Relationship is Challenging
Change can be challenging.

Change can be especially challenging if patterns in a relationship have become ingrained and they are part of a dynamic that is intergenerational.

When intergenerational patterns are involved in a relationship, not only is the couple in the room with the therapist but, figuratively speaking, their parents and, maybe, even their grandparents and great grandparents are "standing in the room" right behind them.

Being in an intimate relationship often brings up core issues in a way that usually doesn't happen with other relationships that aren't as close, which is another challenge.

Making changes in a relationship requires a commitment from each person to look at his or her own dynamic and a willingness to stick with couples counseling to improve their relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Counseling
Longstanding communication problems in a relationship don't get solved in a few sessions.  It takes time, patience and a lot of self compassion as well as compassion for your spouse to work through ingrained problems.

Unfortunately, too many couples wait until it's too late to get help.  By the time they come to couples counseling, there's been too much damage to their relationship and one or both of them wants out.

The chance for success in couples counseling is greater if the couple comes to counseling sooner rather than later.

If you and your spouse want to make changes in your relationship, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has experience working with couples and who can help to facilitate positive change.

Don't wait until your problems become irreconcilable.  Get help from a couples therapist who can help you to have a happier, more meaningful relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship

In my prior article,  Are You Having Problems Communicating in Your Relationship,  I began a discussion about communication problems in relationships.  I focused on common communication problems that people often make when they speak to their spouse or partner.  The focus of this article is the importance of active listening, which is a challenge for many couples.

The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship

What is Active Listening?
While learning to speak to your spouse or partner is important, learning to be an active listener is just as important.

Many couples have problems communicating with each other because they're not listen to one another.

Sometimes people don't even realize that they're not listening to their spouse because they're so preoccupied with their own thoughts and feelings.

Rather than listening, each person is impatiently waiting for his or her turn to speak.  He or she is focused on what how to respond and make his or her own points.

Unfortunately, when you do that, you miss out on what your spouse is trying to communicate to you.  Usually, your spouse can tell that you're not listening and this becomes frustrating for him or her.

When you're not actively listening to what your spouse has to say, it usually makes him or her angry and hurt.

The First Step is to Become Aware of How You Interact With Your Spouse
The first step is to become aware of whether or not you're an active listener.

Active listening means putting yourself in the other person's shoes and listening empathically.

When you're an active and empathic listener:

• you're looking at your spouse directly and not averting your gaze
• you're focused on what your spouse is saying without anything else to distract you
• you sense what your spouse is saying
• you're aware of what your spouse is implying even if it's not said explicitly because you're picking up on nonverbal cues as well as what's begin said verbally.  This means that you're listening for more than just the words.
• you're able to follow and consider what you're spouse is saying
• you show your spouse by how you listen and acknowledge what he or she says that you're listening
• you show your spouse not only with words but also by your body language, which is open and receptive that you're actively listening
• don't focus on what you're going to say next--just focus on what you're spouse is saying

The Next Step:  Develop Active Listening Skills
The next step is to learn to develop the skill of active listening.

Active listening with empathy is a skill that most people need to learn and practice.

Once you've learned to be an active and empathic listener and your spouse also learns this skill, it can go a long way to help improve communication in your relationship.

Some people can learn this skill on their own.  Many people in relationships learn to listen actively by developing this skill in couples counseling.

In my next article, I'll give a fictionalized scenario that demonstrates some of the common communication problems that arise in relationships and how couples therapy can help.

Getting Help
Communication problems are common in many relationships, so you and your spouse or partner are not alone.

Just like any skill, you and your spouse can learn to develop better communication skills in couples counseling with a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have worked with many couples to help them improve their communication.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why is Empathy Important in Psychotherapy?

A therapist's empathy is such an important aspect of psychotherapy.

Why is Empathy Important in Therapy?

What is empathy?
There are so many definitions for empathy. For our purposes, empathy in psychotherapy refers to the therapist's ability to:

• listen reflectively
• enter into the client's experience to sense how the client feels
• reflect back these feelings back to the client in a way that enhances the client's understanding and allows the client to feel understood

Why is empathy important in psychotherapy?
When the therapist is being empathetic, the therapist gives the client his or her full attention.

If the therapist has perceived the client's meaning accurately and reflects this back to the client, the client will often hear what he or she is saying, possibly in a new way.

The client has an opportunity to gain a better understanding. It also helps a client to improve their problem solving skills.

For a client who grew up feeling not heard at home, being heard and understood by the therapist can be such a healing experience.

It helps a client to feel that he or she is not alone.

I believe that empathy is a very important and necessary part of psychotherapy. Empathy can create trust and build a rapport between the therapist and the client.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing who works with individual adults and couples.

To find our more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To make an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.