Relationships: Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation

Starting with curiosity instead of confrontation means approaching a challenging situation by first seeking to understand the other person's feelings and behavior from their perspective and not just from your own.

Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation

This involves asking open ended questions like: "Can you tell me more? I would like to understand."

Why Should You Start With Curiosity?

Curiosity allows you to remain open to your partner's perspective rather than assuming you understand when you might not.

In addition, curiosity:

• Builds Bridges, Not Walls: Whereas confrontation creates walls and divisions, curiosity builds bridges by promoting understanding and connection.

• Encourages Open Communication: A curious approach encourages honest sharing of thoughts, feelings and ideas without the fear of judgment, which leads to more transparent conversations.

Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation

• Allows Your Partner to Be Open and Cooperative: When your partner feels you are genuinely curious and you're not being judgmental or critical, they are more likely to be open and cooperative.

• Unlocks Solutions: By exploring the root causes of the conflict, you can both discover innovative and more effective solutions that get to the core of the issue.

• Prompts Empathy: By considering that your partner is a decent person who arrived at their particular point of view, you're more likely to have empathy for them--even if your  perspective differs from theirs. Your empathy can help with finding a compromise to the problem.

How Can You Practice Using Curiosity?

• Ask Open Ended Questions: Instead of making assumptions, ask open ended questions that encourages your partner to share more.

• Be An Active Listener: Focus on listening to understand your partner's viewpoint instead of just waiting to respond so you can argue your point of view.

Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation

• Check Your Own Biases: Be aware of your own conscious and unconscious biases and try to suspend your biases so you can avoid jumping to conclusions and making immediate judgments.

• Acknowledge Your Own Role in the Conflict: Be curious about your own perceptions and behavior to understand how you might be contributing to the conflict.

• Create Space For a Deeper Understanding: Slow down and create pauses in the conversation for a deeper understanding and greater insight.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have tried to approach your conflicts with curiosity and not confrontation but you're not making progress, consider working with an experienced couples therapist.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles in your relationship.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to engage in the same behavior that isn't working, get help in couples therapy so you can have a more meaningful relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many people to have more fulfilling relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me,

Understanding Transactional Relationships

In an earlier article, I discussed transactional relationships (see my article: What Are Transactional Relationships?).

Understanding Transactional Relationships

Vignettes About Transactional Behavior

In the following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases, the underlying motivation is transactional:

Ron: A Transactional Coworker: 

Ron, who is a senior salesperson at his company, tends to perform seemingly kind and helpful favors for new female employees. Initially, the new female employees see Ron as a "nice guy" who goes out of his way to help them. 

A Transactional Coworker

However, within a relatively short period of time, these women realize Ron only appears to be kind and helpful. His real motivation is to try to ingratiate himself with these women with the motivation to eventually have sex with them. His usual pattern was to be "helpful" and, once these women trusted him, his real motivation surfaced when he would try to seduce them over drinks. Eventually, after several women complained to the human resources department, Ron was terminated.

Ann: A Transactional Friend: 

Ann felt little need for close friendships. She viewed most potential friends in terms of how she could benefit monetarily from the relationships. When she met Alice, who owned a consulting firm, Ann saw an opportunity to make money. She hoped that by becoming Ann's friend, she could promote her accounting business. Initially, Ann was seemingly kind to Alice. 

After Ann got to know Alice, she ingratiated herself by inviting Alice to dinner and buying her small gifts. Initially, Alice thought Ann was genuinely nice, but when Ann asked Alice to use her accounting firm and Alice told her she already had an accounting company she used in her business, Ann dropped the friendship and Alice never heard from her again. When Alice realized that Ann's friendship was conditional, she felt hurt and resentful.

Ed: A Transactional Date: 

During the first few weeks of dating Lena, Ed took her out to expensive restaurants and bought what appeared to be thoughtful gifts. When he drove Lena home from their third date, Ed told her that he thought it was time they spent the night together. In response, Lena told him she wasn't ready to be intimate with him and she wanted to get to know him better. 

A Transactional Date

At that point, Ed lost his temper and blurted out that he calculated he had spent more than $700 on her and he felt he deserved to have sex with her. Initially, Lena was in shock because she had never seen this angry transactional side to Ed's personality and she recoiled from him. Trying to recover his composure and "nice guy" image, Ed realized he had badly miscalculated the situation with Lena and he made excuses for his inappropriate behavior by saying he was under a lot of stress and he misspoke. But, by then, Lena realized Ed's "niceness" was calculated behavior and she wanted nothing to do with him.

What is Transactional Behavior?

Transactional behavior usually has the following characteristics:

• It's a Means to an End: So-called kind behavior is a tactic to achieve a goal. The goal can be anything. It can involve other transactional behavior such as making a sale or hoping to gain some other benefit. 

• It's Conditional Behavior: What appears to be kindness or agreeable behavior is conditional based on an anticipated return--even though it might not appear to be conditional at first. If the other person doesn't respond as the "nice guy" expects, he is often onto the next person who might give him what he wants. This often creates resentment. 

• There is Unexpressed Scorekeeping: While a person who engages in genuine altruistic behavior doesn't keep score, a person who engages in transactional behavior usually keeps score about what they have given and what they hope to receive. 

• There is a Shifting Focus: A person who is performatively "nice" is more focused on what they are getting than what they are giving. They often hope to get a lot more than they give.

Healthy vs Unhealthy Transactionalism

    Healthy Transactionalism:

In a professional setting where boundaries and expectations are clear, it's possible for there to be healthy transactionalism. For instance, in most professional settings employees understand they need to be polite and respectful to their boss who provides them raises. There is no manipulation or sneakiness in this setting.

    Unhealthy Transactionalism:

When conditional behavior becomes part of personal relationship, this can be indicative of unhealthy transactionalism. The partner who is being transactional has little emotional investment. Their motivation is self-serving. This can make the other partner feel used and perceive that their partner has little genuine interest in them other than what they can get.

How to Distinguish Genuine Reciprocity From Transactionalism

Genuine reciprocity is a part of all healthy relationships. 

In a healthy relationship there is a give-and-take, but in an unhealthy transactional relationship there are conditional exchanges with one or both people keeping score.

Healthy relationships involve:

• Genuine connection
  

• Open communication
  

A Healthy Relationship

• Mutual generosity

• Genuine trust

• Clear boundaries
  

• An investment of time and energy into the relationship with no other agenda

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Some people are raised to view relationships in a transactional way, but many of them can learn to change.

If you and your partner would like to change the transactional nature of your relationship, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help each of you to develop the necessary traits and skills to have a healthy relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or call me.

Strategies For Coping With Post Election Stress

Many people are under a lot of stress during this post election time (see my article: Developing Calmness and Balance During Stressful Times).

Coping with Post Election Stress

Fear and anxiety are running high and many people don't know how to cope with their emotions. 

This is especially true for people who feel the future is very uncertain and there's nothing they can do about it (see my article: Living With Uncertainty).

The purpose of this article is to provide suggestions which can help you to get through this difficult time.

Strategies For Coping With Post Election Fear and Anxiety

• Acknowledge and Accept How You Feel Right Now: The first step to coping with any uncomfortable feelings is to acknowledge and accept that this is how you're feeling right now rather than denying it or trying to push down your feelings. Also, be aware that how you feel right now might not be how you feel over time, especially if you take steps to take care of yourself.

Coping with Post Election Stress: Accept Your Feelings

• Know You're Not Alone: When you're feeling anxious and fearful, you might feel like you're alone--even though you know rationally that there are millions of people who feel the same way. But you're not alone. (see my article: Steps to Overcome Loneliness).

• Seek Connection With Like-Minded People: Instead of isolating, seek connection with others who have similar feelings. There is comfort in knowing you're not alone with your anxiety and fear. Talking with others who feel as you do can help, especially if your conversations lead to new ways of coping and taking action for yourself and others.

Coping With Post Election Stress: Seek Connection

• Take Care of Yourself: Eating nutritious meals, getting good sleep, exercising at a level that's right for you and taking care of your mental health are all important, especially when you're under stress (see my article: Self Care Is Not Selfish).

• Take Part in Enjoyable Activities: Whether you enjoy walks in the park, getting together with friends and family or engaging in activities that uplift you, make the time for these activities.

Coping With Post Election Stress: Enjoy Activities

• Take Breaks From the News: It's important to be well informed, but watching hours and hours of broadcast news can make you feel even more anxious, so taking breaks from the news is important.

Coping With Post Election Stress: Volunteer

• Volunteer With Advocacy Groups: Volunteering is a way to feel less isolated. Volunteering can also help to reduce your feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and apathy. There are plenty of groups, including climate change groups, groups to preserve democracy, women's rights groups, LGBTQ groups and other advocacy groups that can use your help and help you to feel like you're making a difference (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Isolation).

Coping With Post Election Stress: Seek Help From a Psychotherapist

• Get Help From a Licensed Mental Health Professional: If you feel you're struggling with fear, anxiety or depression and self help strategies aren't helping you, seek help from a licensed mental health professional. A skilled psychotherapist can provide you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve calm and balance in your life (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 25 years of experience as a psychotherapist, I have helped many clients to overcome fear, anxiety and unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email.

How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship

As a psychotherapist in New York City who works with individual adults and couples, I see many clients who have lost trust and connection (see my article: Are You Able to Express Your Vulnerable Feelings to Your Partner?.  

Building Trust and Connection in Your Relationship

They're no longer emotionally vulnerable with each other and, over the years, disappointments and resentment have built up, so they come to therapy to try to rebuild trust and connection. 

In some cases, there has been betrayal and they come to find out whether their relationship can be repaired after affairs and other breaches of trust, like financial infidelity.

How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship

According to relationship expert John Gottman, PhD., trust and connection can be built over time in a series of small moments throughout the relationship.

Through his 40+ years of research on relationships, he has discovered that small moments in a relationship can make a big difference.

Attunement

Being attuned to your partner is essential to building trust and connection, according to Dr. Gottman.

Building Trust and Connection in Your Relationship

Attunement means the ability to emotionally connect with your partner. It means you have the ability to emotionally enter into your partner's inner world.  

He describes the word "attune" as follows:

• A = Awareness
• T = Turning towards your partner emotionally
• T = Tolerance for two different points of view
• U = Understanding
• N = Nondefensive responding
• E = Empathy

Make a Choice: Turning Towards or Turning Away

There are many moments in a relationship when you can make a decision to either turn towards or turn away from your partner, according to Dr. Gottman.

Building Trust and Connection in Your Relationship

The decision you make in these moments can make a big difference in your relationship over time.

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes, which are composites of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrate how making a choice to either turn towards or turn away can make a difference over time in building trust and connection or eroding trust and connection:

    An Example of Turning Away From a Partner

Vignette 1: Doug and Alice

After 10 years marriage, one night, Alice told Doug she wanted to talk to him about their relationship.  Inwardly, Doug groaned because the football game was about to begin and he wanted to watch it. So, he told her their conversation could wait until after the game. But after the game, Doug said he was too tired to talk and they could talk in the morning. Alice tried again and again, but each time she approached Doug to try to tell him she felt taken for granted by him, he turned away from her by putting off the talk or responding defensively and dismissively.  She asked him to attend couples therapy, but he refused. He said he didn't want to talk about their private life with a stranger. Two years later, Alice told Doug she wanted a divorce.  Even though Alice tried to tell him many times before this that there was a problem, Doug was surprised that Alice was so unhappy in the marriage that she wanted a divorce.  He tried to reconcile with her, but she told him it was too late.  When he received the divorce papers from Alice, Doug made one last ditch effort to save their marriage. He promised he would stop being so selfish and try to meet her emotional needs. He told her he was finally ready to attend couples therapy if this is what it would take to save the marriage because he didn't want to lose her.  In response, Alice wasn't hopeful that anything would change, but she felt she had invested 10 years in the marriage and she had nothing to lose by going to couples therapy with Doug. Soon after they began couples therapy, they learned how their relationship had fallen apart, and they both made a commitment to work hard and learn the necessary relationship skills that could save their marriage.

    An Example of Turning Towards a Partner

Vignette 2:  Jane and Bill

Jane and Bill were married for seven years when, early one morning, Bill noticed that Jane looked uncharacteristically sad as she sat at the breakfast table having coffee.  He had just gathered up his golf clubs to meet his friends that morning for a long awaited golf game, but he didn't want to leave without finding out why Jane looked so unhappy.  So, he put down his golf clubs, sat next to Jane, put his arm around her shoulders and asked her why she looked so sad.  At first, Jane told him that they could wait to talk until after he got back from golf.  But Bill didn't want to leave Jane in this state, so he told her that golf could wait because she was more important to him than any game. Then, she told him she felt sad because she had just heard about her best friend's medical problems. After hearing this, Bill called one of his friends and told him that he couldn't make the golf game--even though Jane insisted that he go. They spent the rest of the day walking and talking in a wooded area close to their home. By the next day, Jane heard from her friend that her doctor said the prognosis for her condition was good, and Jane felt relieved. She was also grateful that Bill was attuned to her emotions and he was emotionally supportive. Over time, there were many instances where both Jane and Bill were able to turn towards each other for love and support, which helped to build trust and a strong emotional connection between them.

Discussion of Vignettes 1 and 2

Vignette 1 is an example of an ongoing pattern of turning away from a partner.  Instead of being attuned to Alice's emotions, Doug turned away repeatedly and he wouldn't listen to her.  It's no wonder Alice felt taken for granted by him.  

Over time, this kind of turning away over and over again will erode a relationship by sowing the seeds of mistrust and emotional disconnection because Alice sees she can't rely on Doug to be there for her.  

There can be many reasons why Doug lacks the ability to connect with Alice.  Maybe he grew up in a household where emotional vulnerability was considered a weakness and family members didn't communicate their feelings, so he never learned how to do it.  Or, maybe Doug was too self centered and lacked empathy for Alice because he grew up being emotionally neglected in his family, so he never learned to be empathetic.  Whatever the reason, the relationship fell apart even though Alice made numerous efforts to try to repair it.  

As a last ditch effort before signing divorce papers, they attended couples therapy to see if the marriage could be saved.

Vignette 1 is a good example of how couples often come for help in couples therapy.  Sometimes they are one step away from getting a divorce, but they decide to give their relationship one last chance before they give up.  

The best time to come for help in therapy is before a relationship has been so damaged.  Under Alice and Doug's circumstances, it can be challenging to repair a relationship that has been deteriorating for so many years, but it can be done if both people are willing to work at it.

Vignette 2 is an example of turning towards a partner.  Bill was looking forward to meeting his buddies for a golf game when he noticed that Jane looked unhappy. She wasn't complaining to him or even trying to get his attention.  Instead, Bill was attuned to Jane and he sensed something was wrong. 

In that moment, Bill had a choice: He could act like he didn't notice, go play golf with his friends and then come back later to talk to Jane or, he could respond to her with empathy and love.  Even though he knew Jane wouldn't try to stop him from going to play golf, he was concerned about her.  She was his priority, so he turned towards her and asked her what was wrong. 

Even when she insisted that he go play golf because she knew how much he was looking forward to it, he prioritized Jane and he made a personal sacrifice to stay to comfort her.  By doing that, he showed that he was emotionally attuned to her and she was the most important person in his life.  

If Jane was sad every time Bill wanted to meet his friends, this might be a different story and it would indicate there might other problems.  But Jane's sadness was uncharacteristic for her, so Bill knew it was unusual and important.

By turning towards Jane that morning, Bill was building trust and connection with Jane. He was letting Jane know, "I'm here for you."  

If you compare Bill's response in Vignette 2 to Doug's response in Vignette 1, you can see how these dynamics either build trust and connection or erode those qualities over time.

One or two instances of turning away won't ruin a relationship, but if this is an ongoing dynamic, it can lead to the demise of a relationship.

Note: Even though the examples given were of two heterosexual couples, these issues occur in LGBTQ relationships as well.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people don't learn relationship skills because it isn't modeled for them by the adults in their family.

If you're having problems with trust and connection in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop and maintain the relationship skills you and your partner need to have a healthy relationship and live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotion Focused Therapy For Couples?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Developing a Felt Sense of Connection From a Distance

In my two prior articles, The Mind-Body Connection: Developing a Felt Sense of Your Internal Experiences and Developing Your Inner Sense of Being Calm, Grounded and Centered, I discussed the felt sense of connecting to internal experiences of emotions and physical sensations. Aside from experiencing a felt sense of internal experiences, during this pandemic most of us are grappling with how to develop a felt sense of connection with others even though we're not physically present with them.

Developing a Felt Sense of Connection From a Distance

Connecting With a Felt Sense From a Distance
When I was in Somatic Experiencing training about 10 years ago, I remember our instructor starting our morning sessions by having us close our eyes and breathe so we could settle in (see my article: Somatic Psychotherapy).

By slowing down and getting quiet, we transitioned from wherever we had been prior to coming into the training room to where we were in the here and now in the training room (see my article: Being in the Present Moment).

I was always so grateful for that transitional time because it allowed me to let go of the stress of getting around in New York City, especially on the subway, to being fully present in the moment in the training.

After the Somatic Experiencing training group settled, our instructor asked us to feel our connections with other healers in the area.  By healers, she was referring to healers of all kinds and all traditions, both traditional and nontraditional--whether they were doctors, nurses, other psychotherapists, physical therapists, bodyworkers and other nontraditional healers.

Part of the meditation was to feel the connection with these healers in our immediate area and slowly extend our sense of connection to all of New York City, then the tri-state area, the East Coast and gradually expanding to encompass the whole country, other countries and the universe.

This meditation of connecting with healers from everywhere was so comforting and it was wonderful to know that, at any given time, other people in the healthcare and healing world might also be connecting and resonating in this way.

During the first week that New York City residents were told to stay home and I began Zoom teletherapy sessions, I thought of this meditation and used it with my clients.  I was so happy that, just as I found it comforting to connect with other healers in this way, my clients also felt comforted.

Discovering New Ways to Develop a Felt Sense of Connection From a Distance
During this pandemic, there's a difference between knowing that we're all going through this experience together and actually feeling the resonance of these connections.

Over time, as we continue to be challenged by the COVID-19 crisis and we are physically distant from one another, we'll find new ways to make that heart-to-heart connection with people we care about because we need to feel those connections.

Being able to feel these social connections are vital to our sense of emotional and physical well-being, and our imagination and creativity will enable us to find new ways to connect with each other.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're feel overwhelmed, you're not alone.  Help is available to you.

Many psychotherapists have transitioned to online therapy, which is also called teletherapy or telemental health), during this time (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

Developing a Felt Sense of Connection From a Distance

Making the phone call or sending the email to get help from a licensed therapist is the first step in your healing process.  If you need help, take the first step in your healing process.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing online therapy while I'm out of my office.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.