Developing a Felt Sense of Connection From a Distance

In my two prior articles, The Mind-Body Connection: Developing a Felt Sense of Your Internal Experiences and Developing Your Inner Sense of Being Calm, Grounded and Centered, I discussed the felt sense of connecting to internal experiences of emotions and physical sensations. Aside from experiencing a felt sense of internal experiences, during this pandemic most of us are grappling with how to develop a felt sense of connection with others even though we're not physically present with them.

Developing a Felt Sense of Connection From a Distance

Connecting With a Felt Sense From a Distance
When I was in Somatic Experiencing training about 10 years ago, I remember our instructor starting our morning sessions by having us close our eyes and breathe so we could settle in (see my article: Somatic Psychotherapy).

By slowing down and getting quiet, we transitioned from wherever we had been prior to coming into the training room to where we were in the here and now in the training room (see my article: Being in the Present Moment).

I was always so grateful for that transitional time because it allowed me to let go of the stress of getting around in New York City, especially on the subway, to being fully present in the moment in the training.

After the Somatic Experiencing training group settled, our instructor asked us to feel our connections with other healers in the area.  By healers, she was referring to healers of all kinds and all traditions, both traditional and nontraditional--whether they were doctors, nurses, other psychotherapists, physical therapists, bodyworkers and other nontraditional healers.

Part of the meditation was to feel the connection with these healers in our immediate area and slowly extend our sense of connection to all of New York City, then the tri-state area, the East Coast and gradually expanding to encompass the whole country, other countries and the universe.

This meditation of connecting with healers from everywhere was so comforting and it was wonderful to know that, at any given time, other people in the healthcare and healing world might also be connecting and resonating in this way.

During the first week that New York City residents were told to stay home and I began Zoom teletherapy sessions, I thought of this meditation and used it with my clients.  I was so happy that, just as I found it comforting to connect with other healers in this way, my clients also felt comforted.

Discovering New Ways to Develop a Felt Sense of Connection From a Distance
During this pandemic, there's a difference between knowing that we're all going through this experience together and actually feeling the resonance of these connections.

Over time, as we continue to be challenged by the COVID-19 crisis and we are physically distant from one another, we'll find new ways to make that heart-to-heart connection with people we care about because we need to feel those connections.

Being able to feel these social connections are vital to our sense of emotional and physical well-being, and our imagination and creativity will enable us to find new ways to connect with each other.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're feel overwhelmed, you're not alone.  Help is available to you.

Many psychotherapists have transitioned to online therapy, which is also called teletherapy or telemental health), during this time (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

Developing a Felt Sense of Connection From a Distance

Making the phone call or sending the email to get help from a licensed therapist is the first step in your healing process.  If you need help, take the first step in your healing process.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing online therapy while I'm out of my office.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Creating Emotional Balance in Your Life

We've all had days when we feel anxious, frustrated, angry, sad or at our wit's end.  When you're overwhelmed occasionally by these kinds of emotions, it helps to have a reliable way to bring yourself back into emotional balance.  One way, which was originally developed in hypnosis, is to have a Safe Place or Relaxing Place to focus on so you can bring yourself back to a calm state.

Creating Emotional Balance in Your Life

Learning Coping Strategies in Therapy:
When clients come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC, I usually teach them coping strategies, especially if they're coming in to overcome trauma.  One of those coping strategies is the Safe or Relaxing Place meditation.  Whether you're trying to overcome trauma or you're just having a bad day, learning to do the Safe Place meditation is a good way to help bring yourself back into a state of calm and emotional balance.

Safe Place Meditation:
To begin, think of a place which is linked to a positive memory.  It can be somewhere in nature, like a beach or in the woods.  When you choose a place, it should be completely positive without any negative memories associated with it.  So, for instance, choosing a beach that you like is fine, but not if it causes you to think of times when your parents used to argue at this beach.  A relaxing scene by a waterfall is great, but not if it was the place where your boyfriend broke up with you.

Once you have a place that you associate with feeling calm and relaxed, close your eyes and engage as many of your senses as possible.  First, feel yourself standing in this place.  If you're at the beach, what does it feel like to have your toes in the sand?

Then, look around and notice what you see.  Notice the colors, shapes and textures of things.  Are there any sounds associated with this place?  If so, what are they?  If you're at the beach, do you hear the sound of the waves on the shore or the seagulls flying overhead?  Are there any sensations associated with this place?  Do you feel the warmth of the sun or the breeze off the ocean against your skin.  What about smells?  Smells can be so evocative?  Can you smell the salt in the ocean?  Maybe you can even taste the salt in the air.

With some practice, you can learn to make these sensory experiences vivid.  And, you'll begin to feel yourself calming down.  Notice that your breathing has slowed down and muscles in your body that might have been tight might be relaxing.

You can also give this place a name--whatever works for you that would allow you to associate the name with the calm feeling.  It can be the word "beach," if that's your relaxing place or just "relaxing place."  When you practice pairing the word with the calm feeling, you can just use the word at times when you can't close your eyes to do the meditation.

The place you choose can be either real or imagined, a scene from a movie or a book.  It doesn't matter.  All that matters is that it helps to get you back into emotional balance.

For some people, trying to come up with a relaxing place can be challenging.  If that's the case for you, you can try to think of the face of a person associated with positive experiences.  This can be a friend, a family member, a teacher, a coach or a mentor.  The point is to use the visualization to get yourself back into an emotionally balanced state.

Practicing the Safe (or Relaxing) Place meditation can help you get through a difficult moment, and it only takes a few minutes a day for you to gain the benefits of this meditation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I am certified in mind-body oriented psychotherapy.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


Also, visit my Psychotherapy Daily News for updates on mental health issues, health education, and science news.

Overcoming the Traumatic Effects of Childhood Trauma

Growing up as a child who was emotionally neglected or  abused is a very painful experience and has emotional consequences when that child becomes an adult.  Whether this is due to narcissistic parents who were so self involved that they were not attuned to the child or for other similar reasons, it is a lonely and hurtful experience.

Overcoming the Effects of Childhood Trauma

Many adults who grew up emotionally neglected or abused as children feel inadequate or like there's something wrong with them.  They often feel flawed and that they're not lovable.

One blog post cannot possibly do justice to such an enormous topic.  There are many forms of emotional abuse and neglect.  The following short vignettes, which are not about any one particular person, are representative of some forms of emotional abuse or neglect:

Betty:

When Betty was a young child (between the ages of 7-10) her parents would often leave her alone at home so they could go bar hopping with friends.  She was very afraid of being home alone, which is normal for a young child, and she would beg them not to leave her.  But her parents would dismiss her concerns, telling her she was "being ridiculous" and calling her "a cry baby" as they slammed the front door behind them.  Betty grew up feeling insecure and doubting that her needs would ever be met in any relationship.

John:

John's parents split up when he was only four years old, and he remained with his mother.  His mother was bitter and angry about the breakup, and whenever she would get angry with John, she would look at him with disgust and say, "You're just like your father."  Then, she would withdraw from him emotionally, and he felt lonely and sad.  As an adult, John felt that any woman that he liked wouldn't like him.  He felt he always had to prove himself and go above and beyond so the woman he was interested in would like him.  He felt that no woman would ever find him lovable.

Mary:

Mary grew up primarily around her mother.  Her father traveled a lot for his job and when he was home, he was preoccupied with work and had little time for her.  Mary's mother was a very beautiful and self centered woman.   The only time that she paid attention to Mary was when Mary was admiring or complimenting her.  Mary learned, at a very young age, that she had to subordinate her own feelings and sense of self in order to get her mother's attention.  As an adult, she was attracted to highly narcissistic men who were unable to take her emotional needs into account.

In all of this fictionalized brief vignettes we can see the damaging effects of being a child who was not seen or heard by parents.  Under optimal circumstances, parents who are emotionally attuned to their children see their children as individuals with their own emotional needs.  Emotionally attuned parents can take in their children's feelings with empathy and understanding.  Of course, this doesn't mean that they should give their children everything that they want without regard for whether it's good for them.  It means that they can set aside their own concerns for a while to understand their children's concerns.

There are times when parents might want to be empathetic and understanding but, due to life circumstances beyond their control, they're unable to.  For instance, if a single mother has no choice but to work long hours to support her children, and she's not around to be nurturing, the children can feel emotionally neglected:

Edward:

After Edward's father left the household (when Edward was 13 years old), his mother had to take on three jobs just to make ends meet.  Edward's grandmother lived downstairs, but she was preoccupied with raising three small grandchildren, and she had very little time for Edward, who was her oldest grandchild.  He had to learn to cook for himself, wash his clothes, and take care of many household chores after school.

Overcoming the Effects of Childhood Trauma:  Edward

When his mother was home, she was often exhausted.  Edward always knew that his mother loved him very much, but she no time for him.  She missed school plays that he was in and couldn't come to watch him at his basketball games.  One of his fondest memories was when his mother came to his high school graduation.  But, even then, he was painfully aware that his mother wouldn't get paid for that day at work.  In his first serious relationship, Edward had a hard time expressing his needs because he felt he wasn't entitled to have any of his emotional needs met, which frustrated his girlfriend.

As much as adults, who grew up under similar circumstances to the vignettes above, might understand intellectually that they were not to blame for what happened to them and that their feelings of low self worth are distorted, it's hard to overcome these feelings with just an intellectualized understanding.  

My experience, as a psychotherapist who specializes in working with trauma, has been that regular talk therapy, while it might be somewhat helpful, usually isn't enough to overcome these types of emotional trauma.

Many of my colleagues and I have discovered that a more integrated, mind-body oriented psychotherapy is much more effective to help clients overcome trauma.  This includes EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

These mind-body approaches are usually more successful where talk therapy is not.  None of these approaches is "a magic bullet" and there is still work to be done, but I find that, generally, these mind-body approaches work faster and in a more effective way than regular talk therapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist.

I provide psychotherapy for individual adults and couples, including EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, and dynamic talk therapy in an empathic treatment environment.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.