Recognizing Psychological Manipulation: How Gaslighting Erodes Your Trust in Yourself

When you decide to begin psychotherapy to heal deep-seated wounds, you discover that the path to recovery is rarely linear. Many clients come to my Greenwich Village private practice feeling disconnected from their own reality, deeply trapped in an exhausting cycle of worry and self-doubt.

Psychotherapy with Josephine Ferraro, LCSW in Greenwich Village, Manhattan, NYC (10011) provides a safe, grounded space to process the psychological fog of manipulation and reclaim your trust in yourself.

Psychological manipulation or gaslighting involves someone else controlling your thoughts, emotions, or behavior. Because it often starts out small and builds up gradually over time, it creates a subtle internal stress response that can be incredibly difficult to detect when you are in the middle of it.

Often, people outside of this dynamic can spot the manipulation more easily than you can. When you are close to someone, you naturally want to believe the best in them, which frequently leads you to second-guess your own internal experience.

Why is Psychological Manipulation So Damaging?

The primary goal of psychological manipulation is control, whether the tactics used are subtle or overt. In many cases, the person doing the manipulation might not even be fully aware of their own behavioral patterns.

Failing to recognize this manipulation can cause you to fall into deep denial. Over time, a sustained manipulation dynamic will erode your interoceptive awareness. You may lose trust in your own thoughts, feelings, and choices, relying solely on the person who is mistreating you. This is how you gradually give up your inner power to a manipulative partner.

Signs of Psychological Manipulation in a Relationship

A manipulator rarely uses every single tactic, but they rely on specific, repetitive patterns to maintain the upper hand. In my psychotherapy practice, I frequently help clients unpack these common indicators:

• They Blame You for Their Actions: They refuse to take responsibility for their own choices. If they lose their temper or engage in destructive behavior, they will twist the narrative to claim that your actions made them do it.
• They Convince You That You Are Wrong: They are relentless in rewriting facts. They will argue past your boundaries and exhaust your mental energy until you finally concede and take the blame just to keep the peace.
• They Distort What You Say: A skilled manipulator excels at semantic trickery. They will take your words, pull them out of context, and turn them against you until you begin to experience severe anxious overthinking and doubt your own memory.
• They Blame You for Lack of Trust: If you question their secrecy or behavior, they will immediately portray themselves as the injured party, accusing you of being untrustworthy or unsupportive, even if they have repeatedly broken your trust.

• They Maintain a Double Standard with Secrets: They withhold information regarding where they are, who they are with, or what they are doing to maintain control. However, if you have a completely innocent moment of privacy, they will view it as a threat and accuse you of keeping secrets (see my article: What is the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy in Relationships?).
• They Invade Your Privacy: Because a manipulator feels uncomfortable when they cannot dictate every aspect of your lifestyle, they may demand access to your phone, emails, or text messages, while remaining hyper-protective of their own personal boundaries.
• They Weaponize Guilt: If you make a mistake, it is never truly forgiven. They will keep bringing up past errors weeks, months, or years later as a strategic way to keep your self-esteem low.
• They Rely on Passive-Aggressive Tactics: When they are angry, they avoid direct communication. Instead, they act out in subtle, punishing ways designed to trigger your anxiety, later denying that their behavior was intentional.
• They Use Your Vulnerability Against You: They may offer to assist you in a time of need, but once you accept their help, they reframe the situation to make you feel weak, dependent, or inferior for needing support.
• They Isolate You From Your Support System: They know that loved ones and supportive friends will offer an objective perspective on the relationship. To prevent you from getting healthy external feedback, they will actively discourage you from seeing family and friends.
• They Start Arguments Over Minor Details: They will intentionally pick fights over trivial matters to keep your nervous system on edge, wearing down your resolve so that you automatically give in to their demands.
• They Blame You for Other People’s Behavior: If someone else flirts with you or pays you attention, a manipulative partner will accuse you of encouraging the behavior based on what you wore or how you spoke, masking their control as common jealousy.
• They Talk Down to You and Belittle You: They adopt a consistently condescending or dismissive tone. This belittling behavior is a direct form of emotional abuse intended to make you believe you cannot survive without them.
• They Behave in a Centered, Narcissistic Way: They force the entire relationship to orbit around their emotional state. If you ask for empathy or support, they will invalidate your experience, claim their life is much harder, and convince you that you have no right to your feelings.

While this article outlines how manipulation unfolds between two partners, these destructive dynamics can manifest in families, friendships, and professional workplaces as well.

Reclaiming Your Reality in Psychotherapy

Living under the weight of psychological manipulation chips away at your sense of self until you feel completely disempowered. Over time, you might find yourself stuck in a deep depression or trauma bond, continuing to appease your partner because the alternative feels terrifying.

You do not have to untangle this confusion alone. In my Manhattan private practice, I provide a compassionate, secure holding environment where we move past the restrictive inner storylines that keep you feeling stuck. 

Combining deep relational insight with mind-body oriented experiential therapies allows your nervous system to find emotional stabililty, giving you the clarity and confidence to trust your own mind again.

👤 About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist and trauma therapist with over 25 years of clinical experience. 

I see individual adults and people in relationships in my psychotherapy private practice located at 412 Avenue of the Americas (6th Avenue), Greenwich Village, Manhattan New York, NY 10011. 

I offer a complimentary 15 minute phone call before setting up an initial appointment. My approach is experiential with advanced skills in:

• EMDR Therapy: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing helps the brain reprocess traumatic, stuck memories using bilateral stimulation, reducing the emotional distress and bodily anxiety associated with past events.

• Somatic Experiencing Therapy: A mind-body oriented therapeutic approach that helps release the stress and trauma locked in the nervous system, allowing you to move past chronic states of fight, flight, or freeze.

• IFS Parts Work Therapy: Internal Family Systems helps you explore and heal different internal "parts" of your personality—such as defensive, anxious, or wounded parts—to cultivate self-compassion and inner harmony.

• AEDP Therapy: Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy focuses on processing difficult emotional experiences in real-time alongside a supportive therapist, fostering rapid healing through deep emotional connection.

• Clinical Hypnosis (Hypnotherapy): A therapeutic technique that uses guided relaxation and focused attention to access the unconscious mind, helping to uncover deep-seated patterns and reinforce positive behavioral changes.

In addition, I am an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) and Certified Sex Therapist.

Contact Me
To explore more or to make an appointment, contact me:

🌐 Visit My Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

✉️ Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com

📞 Call: (917) 742-2624 (during standard business hours)

Relationships: What's the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?

I wrote about stonewalling in a prior article (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

In the current article I'm focusing on the difference between stonewalling and the silent treatment.

What is the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?

Although stonewalling and the silent treatment might appear to be similar, they are different in certain key aspects as outlined below.

Stonewalling and the silent treatment are both forms of unhealthy communication. They both involve communication patterns where a person withdraws from a conversation (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally).

Stonewalling vs the Silent Treatment

Stonewalling usually occurs when one person feels overwhelmed and withdraws from the conversation.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse where one person deliberately ignores, avoids or withdraws from communication to punish, control or manipulate the other person.

Here are the key differences between stonewalling and the silent treatment:

• Intent
• Duration
• Impact

Stonewalling

• Intent: To avoid conflict and feeling emotionally overwhelmed

• Behavior: Turning away, avoiding eye contact, shutting down the conversation or giving non-committal responses

• Duration: Usually temporary--lasting until the person no longer feels overwhelmed

Silent Treatment

• Intent: To punish, control or manipulate the other person

• Behavior: Prolonged withdrawal from communication, often accompanied by ignoring, avoiding or giving cold or hostile responses

• Duration: Lasting hours, days, weeks or more

The Key Differences

• Intent: Stonewalling is a defensive reaction whereas the silent treatment is intentional.

• Purpose: Stonewalling is aimed at avoiding conflict and the silent treatment is used to inflict emotional pain, gain power or manipulate.

• Duration: Stonewalling is usually temporary and the silent treatment can be prolonged.

• Impact: Stonewalling can damage a relationship by creating emotional distance and mistrust, while the silent treatment, which is intentional, can cause significant emotional distress to the person being ignored and potentially ruin or end a relationship.

An Example of Stonewalling

Whenever John and Alice got into an argument, John would feel so overwhelmed he would turn away and go into another room to calm himself. But since he didn't tell Alice that he felt overwhelmed, she would pursue him into the other room to continue the argument. This only made John feel even more overwhelmed so that he would withdrew even further, which angered Alice even more so she would try harder to get him to talk (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Pursues Emotionally).

Stonewalling

As his feelings of overwhelm escalated, John would leave the house and to go for a walk. After he calmed down, he came back and told Alice he was ready to resume their conversation. By then, Alice had calmed down too, so they were able to have a calm discussion. After several months of this communication pattern, Alice insisted that they go to couples therapy to learn how to communicate in a healthy way. In couples therapy John learned that he would stonewall because he felt too overwhelmed to speak, which helped Alice to feel empathetic. Alice learned she had a fear of being abandoned, which made her pursue John. Over time, they learned how to communicate in a healthier way in couples therapy.

An Example of the Silent Treatment

Alex was hurt and angry when Sara said she was going out with her friends on a Sunday afternoon instead of spending time with him. Even though she had told him in advance that she and her friends planned to have brunch to celebrate one of her friend's birthdays, Alex felt that she was putting her friends above him. On most mornings Sara and Alex would sit and talk together in the kitchen and have coffee together. So, when Sara noticed that Alex didn't come into the kitchen at the usual time, she looked for him and she found him in the living room playing a game on his phone. Alex saw Sara come into the living room, but he ignored her and he didn't look up when she tried to talk to him. He sat in stony silence looking hurt and angry.

The Silent Treatment

No matter what she said, Sara couldn't get his attention so she got dressed to meet her friends. As she was leaving, she said goodbye to Alex, but he didn't respond. During her brunch with friends, Sara texted Alex to say she understood he felt hurt and she wanted to talk about it when she got home. But Alex ignored Sara's texts. He continued to ignore Sara for the next week, which was painful for her. Whenever she tried to initiate a conversation, he walked out of the room. Finally, at her wit's end, Sara gave Alex an ultimatum: Either he agree to attend couples therapy with her or he would move out her apartment. After another week of the silent treatment, Sara packed Alex's things, changed the locks and put his belongings on her doorstep.  Two weeks later, Alex called Sara reluctantly and told her he would attend couples therapy. Their couples therapist recommended that they both attend individual therapy. Alex learned in couples therapy that he used the silent treatment because he didn't know how to communicate his emotions and he wanted to punish Sara. The work in couples therapy was neither quick nor easy but, over time, Sara and Alex learned to communicate more effectively. Alex also realized in his individual therapy that he learned to give the silent treatment by observing his parents when he was a child. They would go days and weeks without talking to each other. Alex made a promise to himself and to Sara that he didn't want to repeat the mistakes his parents made in their relationship.

Summary

Both stonewalling and the silent treatment are unhealthy ways of communicating, but their intent, purpose and duration are different. 

Stonewalling is a maladaptive way of trying to cope with feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

The silent treatment, which is a form of emotional abuse, is used to inflict emotional pain, try to gain power or manipulate a partner.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Whether one or both of you engage in stonewalling or the silent treatment, you could both benefit from getting help in couples therapy (see my article: Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to damage your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome your communication problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Seeing Yourself as a Loner vs. Experiencing Yourself as Not Belonging

In my prior articles, Seeing Yourself as "Independent" vs. Feeling Shame For Feeling Like a Burden and Seeing Yourself as "Rational" vs. Feeling Shame For Not Being Able to Feel, I discussed how people often use pride-based defense mechanisms to ward off deeper problems. 

Continuing with the theme of pride-based defense mechanisms, I'm focusing on the defense used by people who see themselves as loners vs. the deeper issue of feeling that they don't belong.

Seeing Yourself as a Loner vs. Experiencing Yourself as Not Belonging

Before I go on, I want to emphasize that the ability to be alone is an important psychological development, so I'm not saying that enjoying solitude is a problem (see my article: On Being Alone).

I am referring to people who defensively ward off deeper feelings of being an outsider or not belonging and who label themselves as a loner in order not to deal with those deeper, more problematic feelings that involve shame.

Of course, like most other things, being a loner is on a continuum, and different people who identify themselves as loners can mean different things.  There are loners who do have close relationships, but there is often a wariness of getting too close to people.

Like the people who take on the other pride-based identifications, like being "independent," which is really a pseudo-independence, and people who pride themselves as being "rational" when, in reality, they have problems with certain emotions that are unpleasant for them (like anger and sadness), people who take on the pride-based identification of being a loner often develop this defense mechanism at an early age as a way to cope with difficult family dynamics.

Most people, who use being a loner as a defense mechanism against feeling a chronic sense of not belonging, don't know that they're using a defense mechanism because the defense mechanism is unconscious.  In addition, they usually don't attend psychotherapy, except when other issues interfere with their lives or when they get an ultimatum from someone important in their life.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Seeing Yourself as a Loner vs. Experiencing Yourself as Not Belonging
The following fictional vignette is typical of the dynamics which I've discussed above and illustrates how the pride-based identification of being a loner defends against a chronic sense of not belonging:

Ron
Ron, who was in his early 30s, came for a psychotherapy consultation after his mother moved away from New York City to live in Florida and he began to feel like "something was missing" from his life.  He never thought he would ever come for a psychotherapy consultation.  Although he wasn't convinced that psychotherapy would help him, he thought he would "give it a try" and he hoped to discover in therapy what might be missing for him.

Seeing Yourself as a Loner vs. Experiencing Yourself as Not Belonging

Ron told his  psychotherapist that he prided himself on being a loner.  Generally, he liked to spend time by himself, but when his mother lived in New York City, he liked to visit her every week or so to touch base with her.

When his psychotherapist asked Ron about his father and siblings, he said he was raised as an only child, and his father left the household when he was 12.  He had no contact with his father since that time.  Prior to that, he said, his father was emotionally and physically abusive with both his mother and him.  He recalled that when he was a young child of four or five, his father used to berate him and tell Ron that he wasn't his biological child.  He even threatened to put Ron in foster care.

When Ron was 12, he came home from school and found his father packing his things.  His last words to Ron were, "You're a loser and you're no son of mine," which was extremely painful for Ron.  

Later that day, he found out from his mother that the father told her he was moving in with his mistress of several years.  The father also told her that he had two younger sons with this woman, and that he planned to remain with them.  Until then, the father's mistress and his other children had been a secret (see my article: Toxic Family Secrets).

As a result, Ron grew up feeling inadequate.  As a child, he often wondered if he was really adopted and neither parent wanted to tell him.  He reasoned that this would explain why his father was so abusive towards him and told him that he wasn't his son.

But when he was older, his mother showed him his birth certificate which indicated that she and Ron's father were his birth parents.  But as a teenager, Ron continued to feel that he wasn't good enough because he believed that if he was good enough, his father would have stayed.  He never met his younger half-brothers, but he imagined that, unlike him, they were everything that his father wanted as sons.

He told his therapist that he considered himself to be a very spiritual person, and he would sometimes spend hours meditating or praying.  Aside from his mother, he identified God as being his primary emotional support.  He felt that God was always there, never abandoned him, and never let him down.

When he was in high school, he had very good grades, but he had some disciplinary problems for getting into fights.  He was evaluated by the school psychologist, who ruled out Asperger's or any other psychological disorders.  The school psychologist recommended that Ron's mother take him to see a child therapist to deal with the trauma related to the abuse, witnessing domestic violence and the father leaving the household, but his mother told Ron that she didn't think he needed therapy.  She didn't believe in therapy.  She was a religious woman, and she told Ron to pray instead.

Ron had a few buddies that he hung out with when he was in college, but he had little contact with them after college graduation, except for occasionally interactions on Facebook.  There were a few buddies that he hung out with occasionally to watch sports, but he didn't consider them to be close friends. These were people that Ron grew up with in his neighborhood.

There were two colleagues at work that he interacted with occasionally but, as a web designer who mostly worked from home, he tended to spend most of his work hours by himself, which suited him.

He had never been in a serious relationship.  Occasionally, he met women at online, but these relationships were mostly sexual and didn't last long.

Since his mother moved away, he began thinking that he might like to be in a relationship that was more than just sexual.  He was thinking that he might like the companionship, as long as the woman he was with gave him his "space" and didn't expect him to attend too many social gatherings.

By the end of the consultation, when Ron told the psychotherapist that he would like to come to therapy about once a month, she told him that psychotherapy sessions were usually weekly and, if he only came once a month, his progress would be very slow.  Reluctantly, Ron agreed to "try" weekly therapy sessions.

After hearing his family history, Ron's therapist recognized that Ron had a lot of unresolved childhood trauma that he was defending against.  She also sensed that, despite his saying that he prided himself on being a loner, he was deeply lonely and didn't realize it.  She knew she would have to wait until Ron was ready to broach these issues with him.

Initially, Ron was somewhat aloof with his psychotherapist.  He would talk about his attempts to date.  He said he was comfortable while the contact was online, but when he had to meet a date in person, he felt very self conscious and awkward.  Most of the time, he couldn't wait until the date was over.

But, recently, he met someone new that he really liked, a woman named Cathy, and he wanted to see her again.  He also sensed that she was interested in him.

From then on, Ron's therapy sessions were about how inadequate he felt as a man when he was around Cathy.  As a teenager, he always hoped that he would become an honest man, a man with integrity, and not an "abusive philanderer like my father."  But he also feared that he might grow up to be just like his father, which filled him with dread.

Since he met Cathy, he was surprised that he wanted to spend more time with her and that, beyond their sexual relationship, which was good, he enjoyed her company.

When she asked him to meet her friends at her best friend's birthday party, he felt hesitant because he didn't like hanging out with groups of people, but he knew it was important to Cathy, so he went.  He felt more like an observer than a participant at the party, but he also met a couple of people he thought were interesting.

In the meantime, Ron was feeling more comfortable in his weekly therapy sessions.  Over time, he allowed himself to develop a good working alliance with his psychotherapist, and he opened up more in therapy.

After Ron and Cathy were dating for almost a year, they were talking about moving in together.  Cathy initiated the discussion a few months before her apartment lease was up.  Ron knew this would be the next step in developing their relationship, but he felt deeply ambivalent about living with Cathy.

On the one hand, he would like spending more time with her.  But, on the other hand, he worried that she might not give him enough "space."  He also worried that, if she got to know him more intimately, she might get to know "the real me" and she might not like him (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That People Wont Like You If They Knew the "Real You").

This led back to the discussion about Ron feeling inadequate, and his psychotherapist recognized that Ron was now ready to talk about his earlier memories of feeling inadequate in his family.  So, after a few discussions about trauma therapy, his therapist recommended, and Ron agreed, that they use EMDR therapy to work on his unresolved childhood trauma, which was at the root of his current feelings of being inadequate (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and How Does EMDR Therapy Work: EMDR and the Brain).

During that time, Ron and Cathy began living together in his apartment.  Before they moved in, they talked about what they each needed from each other to make things work.

Ron explained to Cathy that he liked to spend some time alone because this was important to him.  Cathy said she also had hobbies that she liked to pursue, so she didn't mind if Ron had his alone time.  She also talked about how important it was to her to have open communication with Ron about how things were going as they began living together.  This made Ron feel uncomfortable because he had never had such an emotionally intimate romantic relationship before, but he agreed to try it.

As Ron worked on his unresolved childhood trauma in therapy, he began to realize how much shame he experienced as a child because he felt inadequate and like an outsider in his own family.  He realized that he never felt like he belonged anywhere--not at home, not at school or in college, not at work, and not with his buddies (see my article: Feeling Like an Outsider).

He recognized the only people he didn't feel like an outsider with was his mother, Cathy and his psychotherapist.  He began to see how it was related to his unresolved trauma.

Over time, Ron worked through his childhood trauma in therapy.  As he did, his interactions with others became more relaxed.  He still liked his alone time, but now he was able to actually enjoy being around people rather than just tolerating their company.

He realized that this was what had been missing from his life, before he came to therapy and before he began his relationship with Cathy, were meaningful relationships with people.

His fear that Cathy would get to know him better and not like him dissolved as their relationship deepened.  They were even talking about getting married.

Ron began remembering some good times with his father, despite the abuse and abandonment, and told his therapist that he was surprised that these memories were coming back to him.  She told him that EMDR therapy might have opened up these other memories that he suppressed after his father left the household.

Ron became curious about his father and, with much trepidation, Ron contacted him.  He was surprised that his father was happy to hear from him, and they agreed to meet each other for coffee to talk.  That meeting was the first of many where Ron and his father began reconciling their relationship.

Ron found out things he never knew about his father, including how his father was severely abused by his own father as a child.  His father apologized to him for the physical and emotional abuse and for leaving Ron when he was a child.  Ron wasn't sure that he would ever feel comfortable enough to meet his father's new wife, the woman that his father left his mother for when Ron was a child.  But he was willing to keep an open mind about it for the future.

Conclusion
Identifying as a loner is often a defense for people who are unconsciously warding off deeper feelings of feeling like they don't belong.

As I mentioned before, an ability to be alone and enjoy your own company is an important developmental step, and not everyone who enjoys solitude identifies as a loner or falls into this category.

For people who have the deeper issue of warding off shame for feeling inadequate, the defense mechanism of identifying themselves as loners suppresses these painful feelings.

Most of the time, people with this problem never come to therapy.  Those who do come to therapy often come because they feel something is missing in their lives or a spouse or boss tells them to get help because there are problems in their relationship or at work.

When people with these issues come to therapy, psychotherapists must wait until these clients form a solid therapeutic relationship with them before doing trauma therapy or they will risk alienating these clients and also risk these clients leaving therapy prematurely (see my article: When Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely).

There is usually unresolved trauma at the root of these problems, and talk therapy usually isn't enough to resolve the problem.  A more experiential trauma therapy, like EMDR, is more likely to help clients to resolve a traumatic history  (see my article: EMDR Therapy: When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Getting Help in Therapy
There are some emotional problems are too complex to resolve on your own.  You need the help of a licensed mental health professional (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Finding the psychotherapist who is right for you might involve having consultations with a few therapists until you feel comfortable (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you have resolved the problems that have kept you stuck, you can free yourself from a traumatic history and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

"Bait and Switch" as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships

This article was modified on September 14, 2026.

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I often hear a painful, recurring grievance from my clients: their partners made big promises they never had any intention of keeping (see my article: Keeping or Breaking Promises).

Left feeling confused and upset and deeply betrayed, these clients often describe this experience as a "bait and switch".

This toxic pattern can shatter trust, but understanding how it happens is the first step toward healing.

 
What is "Bait and Switch" in Relationships?
To be clear, there will obviously be disappointments and frustration at some point in every relationship.  Being human, we all make mistakes.  But those are very different situations from the concept of "bait and switch."

Bait and Switch as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships

"Bait and switch" isn't a matter of making a mistake or having a change of heart.  It's intentional manipulation.  Someone makes a promise to do something in order to get what s/he wants at that point in time--knowing all the while that s/he will never honor that promise.

It's not unusual for the person who engages in "bait and switch" to try to turn the tables on his or her partner by either blaming the partner or denying that s/he ever admitted to a problem or said s/he would change.

This act of turning the tables often involves the "gaslighting" of the partner who is being manipulated and betrayed (see my article: Are You Being Gaslighted in Your Relationship?).

The fact that it's an intentional act is what makes people on the receiving end of "bait and switch" feel so confused, upset and betrayed.  They often say that they feel like they don't even know who their partner is anymore and, maybe, never did.

Examples of "Bait and Switch" in Relationships:

• A man, who has been unfaithful during the dating phase of a relationship, makes a promise to his significant other that he won't cheat if they get married.  But after the marriage, when his then-wife finds out that he is still cheating, he tells her that he is "just being a man," he has no intention of ending his extramarital affairs, she needs to "get use to it" and stop nagging him about it.

• A woman, who has mismanaged her finances, promises her fiancé that she will clear up her debt before they get married.  But after they get married, she not only hasn't cleared up her prior debt, but she continues to overspend because she has no intention of changing.  When her husband confronts her about this, she tells him that he is "making a big deal out of nothing."

• A fiancé, who has unresolved emotional problems that are affecting his romantic relationship, promises his fiancee that he will participate in psychotherapy.  However, time passes and he doesn't make an effort to start therapy.  When his fiancee confronts him about it, he refuses to go to therapy, denies that he ever said he would, and tells her that he sees no reason to do it.  He tells her that she is the one with the problem so she should go to therapy.

• A significant other promises she will get help for her gambling problem after she and her fiancé get married.  But after the marriage, she denies having a problem, and she accuses him of "imagining things." 

• Knowing that his girlfriend will not marry him if the rumors that he is the father of another woman's baby are true, a man adamantly denies to his girlfriend that he is baby's father.  He denies even knowing this other woman.  However, after they get married and he gets the results of a DNA test and a court order to pay child support, he tells his now-wife that he is the baby's father and denies ever telling her that he wasn't.

• Before getting married, a couple agree that they both want children.   But after they get married, the husband reveals that he never wanted children, and he only told her that he did because he knew she wouldn't marry him if he told her the truth.  He doesn't understand why his wife is so upset with him now.

And so on.

There are many more examples of "bait and switch" in relationships, but I think you can see a pattern in the examples that I've given and note that information is either intentionally withheld and/or lied about.

The person who engages in "bait and switch" often lacks empathy for the partner.

In my next article, I'll give a clinical example with more detail to illustrate how these dynamics often play out in a relationship, and how psychotherapy can help (see my next article: "Bait and Switch" as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships: A Clinical Vignette).

Conclusion
Unfortunately, "bait and switch" in relationships isn't as uncommon as most people would like to think.

It can be very upsetting and confusing once the trusting partner realizes that s/he has been "conned" by the significant other.

Many people who are on the receiving end of the "bait and switch" tactic go through a phase of shock and denial before they fully accept who the partner is and what happened in the relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
Realizing that the person you love has manipulated and lied to you is a betrayal that most people find too difficult to cope with on their own.

An experienced psychotherapist cannot tell you what to do about your relationship, but she can help you to go through the process of making a decision that will be right for you (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than struggling on your own and feeling trapped, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who can assist you to work through your problems (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing Therapist, Couples and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in person in my Greenwich Village office or online.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
.

Relationships: Taking Back Your Personal Power

In a prior article I began a discussion about giving away your personal power to someone who isn't treating you well (see my article: Are You Giving Away Your Personal Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well?).  In this article I'm continuing this topic to discuss how you can take back your personal power.

Taking Back Your Personal Power

Taking Back Your Personal Power

• Focus on Yourself:  First, rather than focusing on your significant other and what s/he might or might not be doing, focus on yourself and how you might be giving away your personal power.  While this can be difficult to do, it's an important first step and can't be ignored.  Rather than complaining about being mistreated, ask yourself how you're contributing to this and keeping it going.  For people who are accustomed to seeing themselves as being victimized, this might sound harsh.  This isn't to say that your significant other might not have some real power over you--whether it's financial or threatening to take your child away, and so on.  But, even if this is the case, you need to start with yourself because somewhere along the way you've lost sight of yourself in this situation.  This requires you to be honest with yourself.

• Ask Yourself If You're Being Objective About Yourself, Your Significant Other and the Relationship:  In my prior article, I discussed how people who give away their power often idealize their significant other and give him or her attributes that aren't really there in order to be able to bask in the significant other's light.  When these attributes aren't there or are greatly exaggerated, you're in denial about your significant other, your relationship and yourself.  Have you received feedback from others who are familiar with the situation and who have expressed misgivings about how your significant other is treating you?  Pretend that you're looking at the same relationship, but instead of you being in the relationship, pretend that it's your best friend.  What advice would you give him or her?  

• Ask Yourself If You're Making Yourself Small in Order to Make Your Significant Other Big:  It's common for people who get into emotionally abusive relationships to diminish their own positive traits in order to make their significant other look good.  If you're unable to be objective, ask close friends and loved ones that you trust about the positive traits they see in you.  Are you able to take their comments in or do you feel uncomfortable?  Was there a time when you felt good about yourself?  When was that?  How was that time different from now?

• Ask Yourself If You Tend to See Yourself as a Victim:  While it might be true that you were victimized as a child when you were really powerless, as an adult, you're capable of taking yourself out of the victim role.  Sometimes, people who are accustomed to being in the victim role unconsciously find romantic partners who will be emotionally abusive in order to stay in the victim role.  This is difficult for most people to overcome on their own, and it usually requires working through the early emotional trauma in psychotherapy.

• Ask Yourself If You're Blaming Others For Your Problems in the Relationships: Are you blaming your significant other, his or her family or your family for the emotional abuse that you're experiencing and for your own inertia?  When you blame others, you disempower yourself.  Ask yourself what you can do to take some responsibility and, in effect, take back your personal power (see my article: Empowering Yourself When You Feel Disempowered).

• Ask Yourself If You've Given Up Your Dreams to Be in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship: When someone is in an emotionally abusive relationship, it often affects every area of their life--not just the relationship.  Maybe you had dreams to pursue higher education or training for a different career and the emotional abuse that you've experienced has eroded your self confidence so that you're no longer pursuing your dreams.  Will you look back at your life when you're older and regret this?

• Ask Yourself If You're So Intent on People Pleasing That You're in Denial About the Emotional Abuse:  People pleasing is a trait that often begins at an early age and continues into adulthood unless someone gets help to overcome it.  It's common for people who people please to be in denial about emotional abuse in their relationship in order to maintain the status quo.   Denial can be very powerful and it will be necessary for you to try to be as objective as you can be. Many people who are in emotionally abusive relationships "let off steam" by complaining to friends.  Then, after they have vented to friends, they feel better and go right back into the same situation with their significant other and right back into denial.

• Ask Yourself What You're Getting Out of Your Relationship:  Often, people remain in unhealthy relationships because they're afraid to be alone and lonely.  They rationalize that it's better to be with someone who mistreats them to be with no one at all.  They also fear that they'll never meet anyone else.  Ask yourself if whatever you're getting out of the relationship is worth a loss of self esteem and self respect.

• Keep a Journal: When you're in denial about your problems, it's easy to "forget" the times when you were emotionally abused in your relationship, especially right after you and your significant other make up and you're both feeling good again.  Usually, there is a predictable cycle to emotional abuse and if you keep a journal and write about the times when you're accepting the emotional abuse, it might help you to develop a more objective perspective about the role you're playing in all of this.  Make sure that wherever you keep the journal that it's safe and secure so that it will remain private.

Get Help in Therapy
Everyone needs help at some point.

People who are ambivalent about a relationship where they're not being treated well can go back and forth for years trying to decide what to do.

In the meantime, as time goes by, most people in emotionally abusive relationships feel worse and worse about themselves over time.  Shame is also a big factor, and it can cause you to turn away from friends and loved ones who want to help you.

Unconscious emotions often play a big role in keeping people stuck in unhealthy relationships, and becoming aware of these unconscious emotions is very difficult to do on your own.

Rather than continuing to suffer on your own, get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you've taken back your personal power, you feel entitled to be treated well and can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Are You Giving Away Your Personal Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well?

In prior articles I've discussed issues relating to people who are ambivalent about leaving an emotionally abusive relationship (see my articles:  Why Emotional Abuse Might Feel "Normal" to You, Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship? and Are You Afraid to Leave an Unhappy Relationship?). 

Are You Giving Up Your Personal Power?

In this article I'm focusing on another aspect of emotionally abusive relationships, which is how people who are being emotionally abused by their significant other often give away their personal power.

People often begin psychotherapy because they're confused about their ambivalent behavior in a relationship where they are being emotionally abused.  Even when they realize they're not being treated well by their significant other, they often say they feel compelled to remain in the relationship, and they're confused about their feelings.

Looking on the surface at these relationships from a strictly logical point of view, it can be confusing as to why someone would remain with a partner who is emotionally abusive.

But in order to begin to understand these dynamics, it's important to look beyond the surface because there are usually conscious issues involved.

One common issue is that the person who remains in an emotionally abusive relationship is usually giving away his or her personal power to the significant other without realizing it.

How Do People Give Away Their Power in Emotionally Abusive Relationships?
There are so many different ways that people give away their personal power in emotionally abusive relationships that I'll list what I've seen as the most common ones:

• Endowing a Significant Other With Powerful Attributes That Aren't True:  Rather than recognizing their own personal power, people who give away their power to their significant other endow their partners with characteristics that either aren't there or that are greatly exaggerated in their mind.  They don't see their partner for who s/he really is.  They need their partner to seem powerful, charming, tantalizing and irresistible so they can bask in their partner's light and feel that some of those attributes will rub off on them.  It's as if they have put themselves under a magic spell, but they believe that their partner is the one who is somehow keeping them spellbound.  Other people, who know the situation, might be scratching their heads because they don't see these attributes in the partner, but the person who has given up his or her personal power is caught up in this fantasy (see my articles: Are You In Love With Him or Your Fantasy of Him? and The Connection Between Obsessive Love as an Adult and Unmet Childhood Emotional Needs).

• Denying or Diminishing Their Own Positive Characteristics:  Along with idealizing a partner and endowing him or her with fantasized attributes, they also diminish or disregard their own positive characteristics.  They make themselves small in order to make their significant other seem big.  This is usually a longstanding, ingrained problem and makes the significant other more compelling ("I'm weak, but he's so strong that he'll protect me").

• Becoming the "Victim" in the Relationship: Along with idealizing the significant other and diminishing themselves, people who give away their power identify as the victim in the relationship.  They might spend a lot of time complaining to their friends and loved ones about not being treated well by their significant other, but they believe themselves to be powerless in the situation.  Rather than taking a step back and reflecting on why they remain with someone who mistreats them even when they're complaining bitterly about it, they will give many "reasons" why they just can't bring themselves to leave the relationship.  Even when they agree with their friends and their loved ones that it would be better for them to leave the relationship, they will often say, "I don't know why, but I just can't leave" until their friends get tired of hearing the constant complaints without any action being taken (see my article:  Understanding the Difference Between "I Can't" vs "I Won't").  Often, these people had early experiences of being victimized as children, and they're unable to see that they are now adults and no longer powerless.  The feeling of powerlessness never leaves them, and this is a sign that they need to work out the earlier issues in psychotherapy (see my article: Overcoming the Effects of Past Childhood Trauma).  There might also be cultural factors involved.

• Engaging in People Pleasing:  People who give up their power and remain in emotionally abusive relationships are often people pleasers.  They need to be liked, even when it makes them feel "weak," powerless, fearful, self loathing and lost.  For the partner who is emotionally abusive and who has narcissistic traits, this is an ideal situation because s/he gets to manipulate the people pleaser and control the relationship.  

In my next article, I'll discuss how to take back your personal power (see my article: Relationships: Taking Back Your Personal Power).

Getting Help in Therapy
Aside from the unconscious issues involved in remaining in an emotionally abusive relationship, there is usually a lot of shame, especially if friends and family are criticizing you for not leaving.

Most people, who are in this type of situation and who are unable to resolve it on their own, find it helpful to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

While no one can do it for you, if you're willing to get help in therapy, a skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand the unconscious issues and to begin to take back your personal power.

Regaining your personal power and your self esteem can be a life changing experience.  Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced psychotherapist (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

'