What is Psychological Manipulation?

Psychological manipulation or gaslighting involves someone else controlling your thoughts, emotions or behavior (see my article: What Are 7 Signs You're Being Gaslighted?).

What is Psychological Manipulation?

The primary goal of psychological manipulation is control.

The manipulation can be subtle or it can be more overt. 

In addition, the person doing the manipulation might or might not be aware they're manipulating.

Manipulation can start out relatively small and build up over time, which makes it difficult for you to realize you're being manipulated.

Sometimes people who are outside of this dynamic can detect the manipulation more easily than you can. 

You might not want to believe that someone close to you is trying to manipulate you so you might second guess yourself about what's going on.

Why is Psychological Manipulation So Damaging?

As mentioned above, you might not recognize you're being manipulated which can cause you to be in denial about it.

What is Psychological Manipulation?

In addition, over time, you might lose trust in your own thoughts, feelings and behavior and, instead, you rely solely on the person who is manipulating you. This means you're giving up your power to the person manipulating you.

    

See my articles: 

Are You Giving Up Your Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well? 

Taking Back Your Power

What Are the Signs You're Being Manipulated in a Relationship?

The following list includes some of the most common signs that you're being manipulated.

Your partner might exhibit some of these signs and not others:

• They Blame You for Their Actions: They don't take responsibility for the things they do. Instead, they blame you. If they lose their temper, go out and binge drink or engage in other destructive behavior, they blame you. From their  perspective, you made them do it.

• They Try to Convince You That You're Wrong: They make excuses for their behavior. They might try to twist what happened to get you to appear as if you're the one who is wrong and they're right. They also tend to be relentless in getting you to take the blame for whatever happened and they don't stop until you say you were wrong.

• They Put Words in Your Mouth and Distort What You Say: People who are highly skilled at manipulation know how to turn your words against you until you're convinced of what they're saying. However, what they're doing is distorting your words through trickery so they can have the upper hand in the situation. And, if you don't realize this, you might allow your partner to do this and then you doubt yourself.

• They Blame You If You Don't Trust Them: If you don't go along with their manipulation, they tend to portray themselves as being trustworthy (when they're not) and blame you for not trusting them--even if, objectively, they have shown themselves to be untrustworthy many times.

What is Psychological Manipulation?

• They Keep Secrets: Whether their secrets are big or small, they tend to keep secrets from you. The secrets might involve where they are, who they're with or what they're doing. Even when you find out about their secrets and it makes no sense to you why they're keeping this secret, the problem isn't necessarily about the particular secret--it's about the fact that they're withholding information from you as a way to have the upper hand. In addition, if they find out you didn't tell them something that you weren't necessarily keeping a secret (e.g., going to the mall with a friend), they can get upset that there's something you're doing--no matter how innocent--that they don't know about because it means they're not in control of this aspect of your life. So, there's a double standard here about what they feel is okay for them and what they feel is okay for you.

• They Don't Like You to Have Privacy: This is similar to keeping secrets. Even if you've given them no reason to mistrust you, they want to know everything that's going on with you--who you saw, who you spoke to, where you went, when you went and so on. They might also want to check your phone, email and texts so you don't have any privacy because when you have privacy, they can't control that part of your life which makes them feel uncomfortable. But when it comes to their privacy, they insist on it. Once again, this is about control and it's another double standard (see my article: What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy?).

• They Try to Make You Feel Guilty: They can try to make you feel guilty in a number of different ways. For instance, if you made a mistake, they might keep bringing it up as a way to make you feel guilty and bad about yourself. They might keep bringing up your mistakes long after they occurred. This is another way they try to control you.

• They Use Passive Aggressive Tactics: When they're angry with you, instead of talking about it directly, they act out in ways they know would annoy you to get back at you. Then, they might deny they were behaving in a passive aggressive way out of spite.

• They Use Your Trust Against You: They might offer to help you in your time of need. Then, when you trust them and accept their help, they put you down for needing and accepting their help. They try to make you feel like you're "weak" for needing their help--even if they offered to help.

• They Don't Like You to See Friends and Family: People who are highly manipulative know that if you have loved ones in your life, generally speaking, you're less likely to allow yourself to be manipulated because you'll be getting feedback from others about your partner's behavior, which your partner won't like. They want to be the only ones who influence and control you so your loved ones are threatening to your partner.

• They Start Arguments About Little Things: Even if you want to be easygoing and agreeable, a partner who wants to manipulate you might start a small fight with you as a way to get you to give in to them. Their strategy is to control you.

• They Blame You For Other People's Actions: In addition to blaming you about their actions, they might blame you for other people's actions. For instance, if someone at a party flirts with you and, objectively, you didn't encourage this behavior, instead of blaming the other person for flirting, your partner finds a way to blame you. They might say you encouraged the flirting by what you wore to the party or how you spoke or anything else. This type of behavior often gets confused with jealousy, but it's really about manipulation.

• They Talk Down to You and Belittle You: They speak to you in a condescending way. This is a form of emotional abuse. They want you to feel inferior to them or that you wouldn't be able to survive without them (see my article: Belittling Behavior in Relationships).

• They Behave in a Self Centered Way: They make the relationship center around them. If you need their emotional support, they invalidate your feelings. They might point out that either they have it much harder than you do and tell you that you have no right to your feelings. This is a form of narcissism and emotional abuse (see my article: Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame).

There are many other ways that a partner can manipulate, but the ones mentioned above are some of the most common ones. And, as previously mentioned, your partner doesn't have to exhibit all of these signs in order to be manipulative.

This article focused on psychological manipulation between two partners in a relationship, but this form of manipulation can occur between any two or more people.

Get Help in Therapy

Psychological manipulation is damaging to your self esteem and your sense of self. 

Get Help in Therapy

Over time, you might feel so disempowered that, even when you realize you're being manipulated, you continue to give away your power to your partner because you have become increasingly emotionally dependent upon them.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients to overcome this problem.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

With over 20 years of experience, I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Unintentional Gaslighting in a Relationship

The focus of this article is unintentional gaslighting in a relationship, which is different from intentional gaslighting.

If you haven't read my prior articles about intentional gaslighting, I suggest you read those articles first to understand the basic concepts of gaslighting (see my articles: Are You Being Gaslighted? and What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship?).

Unintentional Gaslight in a Relationship

Intentional gaslighting is a form of malicious manipulation which is emotionally and psychologically abusive.  The goal of the gaslighter is to undermine the gaslightee's self confidence and make them feel insecure and anxious so they're easier to manipulate.

Understanding Unintentional Gaslight

Before delving into unintentional gaslighting, I want to emphasize that even when gaslighting is unintentional, it's still gaslighting and the gaslighter is still attempting to manipulate and gain control in the relationship--even if it's unconscious and they're unaware of it.  

The destructive consequences of gaslighting, whether intentional or not, are usually the same for the person being gaslighted.  

If the gaslighter is successful in gaslighting, the gaslightee's thoughts, feelings, beliefs and perceptions are invalidated by the gaslighter (see my article: How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation in a Relationship).

Examples of Unintentional Gaslighting

The following list are just a few examples of unintentional and often unconscious gaslighting:

• Telling the gaslightee the problems are all in their mind when it's clearly not

• Responding to the gaslightee who says they are hurt by the gaslighting by saying the gaslightee really doesn't feel that way

• Telling the gaslightee their situation isn't so bad or other people have it worse

• Telling the gaslightee they're too sensitive

• Telling the gaslightee they overthink things

• Telling the gaslightee they're wrong to think or feel a certain way

• Making excuses for their behavior. For instance, if gaslighter is caught in a lie, they tell the gaslightee that they lied to spare their feelings (see my article: Lies of Omission)

• Telling the gaslightee they're being too negative

• Giving the gaslightee the silent treatment, also known as stonewalling (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse)

Why Do People Unintentionally Gaslight?

Many unintentional gaslighters learned this behavior without even realizing it when they were growing up in dysfunctional families where they were criticized, abused or neglected and gaslighted as young children.  In those cases, unintentional gaslighting is an unconscious learned behavior.

The unconscious intention of gaslighting might be to feel in control, especially for people who grew up feeling they weren't in control.  

In addition, it's often a way to avoid being held accountable for their behavior, especially if they were traumatized for their behavior as young children in their family of origin.  

Gaslighters will often go to great lengths to avoid feeling bad the way they felt as children, and since they learned that being in control and dominating is one way to avoid those feelings, they want to dominate and control others and they fear being dominated and controlled by others.

Unintentional gaslighting often occurs with people who have an avoidant attachment style, especially when they're in a relationship where their partner wants to be more emotionally intimate with them and this makes them feel uncomfortable and too emotionally vulnerable.  

This situation is exacerbated if the partner has an anxious attachment style and worries about being abandoned by the other partner (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Part of unintentional gaslighter's maladaptive coping strategy can include dismissing their partner's need for emotional intimacy by calling the partner "needy" or criticizing them in some other way to ward off their own emotional discomfort and fear of emotional intimacy.

A Clinical Vignette About Unintentional Gaslighting in a Relationship

Since it's often hard to believe that gaslighting can be unintentional and based on unconscious learned behavior, the following clinical vignette, which is a fictionalized scenario based on many different cases, can help to demonstrate these dynamics and show how therapy can help:

Mike

Mike and Deb met when they were in their early 30s.  

After the initial stage of infatuation between Mike and Deb, Mike became increasingly uncomfortable with the emotional intimacy in their relationship as time went on.

Six months into their relationship, Mike felt Deb was encroaching too much on his personal time.  He was comfortable seeing her once a week, but she wanted to see him at least twice a week (see my article: Learning to Negotiate Time Apart and Time Together in a Relationship).

Every time Deb asked to see him a second day during the week, she was confronted with a barrage of criticism from Mike.  He told her she was "too needy" and she was "wrong" for wanting more time than he felt comfortable spending with her.

When Deb told Mike that hearing him call her too needy and wrong was hurtful, she was even more hurt to hear him say that she was being too sensitive and she just needed to "just get over it."

After one of their arguments about how much time they spent together, Mike told Deb that he couldn't see her because he wasn't feeling well.  Then he went out with his friends to a baseball game and didn't tell her.

During the game, Deb's friend, Tia, spotted Mike without his realizing it.  After Tia told Deb she saw Mike at the game, Deb realized that Mike lied to her and she was deeply hurt.  

When she confronted Mike about the lie, he didn't deny it, but he said he lied to her because he didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her he wanted to go the game instead of seeing her.  No matter what Deb said about it, Mike still felt justified in lying to Deb and he wouldn't take responsibility for it.

Due to Mike's gaslighting, Deb was beginning to feel she was either exaggerating or imagining things, so she spoke with a close friend, who explained gaslighting to Deb and told her that it's a real dynamic and Mike was using gaslighting with Deb.

A year into the relationship, Deb continued to feel gaslighted by Mike and she told him that unless he got help in therapy, she would leave him.  

Unintentional Gaslighting in a Relationship

At first, Mike was shocked.  No one had ever given him an ultimatum like this before.  His first inclination was to dismiss Deb's feelings, but he kept this to himself.  He really loved Deb and he wanted their relationship to work out, so he sought help in therapy.

During the initial stage of therapy, Mike told his therapist he didn't think he had a problem, but he was willing to give therapy a try to save his relationship.

His therapist learned from Mike that he was considered the "black sheep" in the family.  He was the youngest of five children in a family of high achievers.  

Both of his parents were successful in their careers and his siblings excelled in school and in their respective careers. Since he didn't do well in school, he became the family scapegoat (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

Mike got poor grades. He had problems with reading, reading comprehension and following basic instructions from the teacher.

When the guidance counselor contacted Mike's parents and asked if they would consent to having the school psychologist evaluate Mike, they responded with anger, defensiveness and indignity.  They felt the guidance counselor was blaming them for Mike's poor academic performance.  Mike's mother told the guidance counselor that Mike just needed to  "stop being lazy" and"try harder."  She refused to give permission for an evaluation and the school dropped the matter.

After Mike's parents got the call from school, they were even harsher than usual with Mike. They criticized him more and blamed him for not doing well in school.

When Mike got to high school, he was barely keeping up with the work.  He felt deeply ashamed of his academic performance and his shame also interfered with making friends at school.  

He felt like a complete failure and told his parents he was depressed.  Both parents brushed this off and told him that he had nothing to be depressed about.  They said all of his needs were being taken of, he should be grateful for this, and other children had it much worse than he did.

By the time he was 16, Mike told his parents that he felt so despondent and ashamed that he felt the only way out for him was to commit suicide.  His mother and father were so shaken up by this that they asked the school to evaluate him.  

The school evaluation revealed that Mike had significant learning disabilities which were never addressed and this was why he was having problems in school.  They developed an Individual Education Program (IEP) for him where he would get the academic help he needed.  They also diagnosed depression and assigned him to the school psychologist.

With the IEP, Mike's grades improved. He also began to feel more confident making friends and dating.  However, he didn't feel comfortable talking about his situation at home with the school psychologist so, even though he no longer felt suicidal, he continued to be the family scapegoat and he continued to feel depressed.

In his current therapy, Mike's therapist assessed that he was engaging in unintentional gaslighting in his relationship with Deb because he learned this behavior as a child.  In other words, this was how his parents treated him as a child, so the unintentional gaslighting was learned behavior and unconscious on his part. 

She also explained to Mike how he was traumatized by what happened to him as a child at home and at school.

Over time, Mike became more aware of his propensity to gaslight Deb. With practice, he was able to catch himself more often whenever he felt like dismissing or invalidating her feelings or her perspective.  At first, he didn't catch himself all the time, but he got better at it.

He and his therapist also did trauma therapy to help him overcome the underlying issues involved with his early childhood problems.  The work was neither quick nor easy, but Mike remained open to working on his childhood trauma and understanding how it affected his relationship with Deb (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

With Mike's consent, he and Deb had a couple of sessions together with his therapist so Deb could understand the issues involved and the trauma work Mike was doing in therapy.

Unintentional Gaslighting Can Get Worked Through

Two years later, Mike was able to overcome his childhood trauma and he no longer engaged in gaslighting Deb.  He was able to be more emotionally vulnerable with Deb and they eventually moved in together.  

Conclusion

There are two types of gaslighting: intentional and unintentional gaslighting.  

This article focused on unintentional gaslighting, the unconscious underlying issues, how it can manifest in relationships and how trauma therapy can help.

Without help in therapy, unintentional gaslighting often doesn't change.  But the good news is that if someone is willing to get help and do the work in therapy, they can free themselves of their traumatic history so they can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

 

What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. Gaslighters emotionally manipulate and exploit others to undermine them and get them to doubt their own perceptions, experiences and understanding of events (see my article: Are You Being Gaslighted?).

What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a power dynamic which can be used as a tactic in romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships, work situations or any situation where two people are interacting together.  

In this article, I'm focusing on the stages of gaslighting and the importance of getting help in therapy if this dynamic doesn't change.

The goal of the gaslighter is to make the gaslightee feel insecure and anxious so the gaslightee is more easily dominated and manipulated.

Gaslighting is often found in codependent relationships because the gaslightee is overly dependent emotionally and psychologically. This makes the gaslightee easier to manipulate (see my article: Bait and Switch as a Form of Manipulation).

Gaslighting often gets worse over time if steps are not taken to either change the dynamic or get out of this destructive dynamic.

What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting?

Here are the usual seven stages of gaslighting:

• Lie and Exaggerate:  The gaslighter uses false presumptions and accusations to create a negative perception of the gaslightee. The objective is to put the gaslightee on the defensive by denying the gaslightee's reality: "Your contribution to our marriage is nothing compared to mine. I work at a stressful job so we can pay our bills. All you do is stay home and watch the kids."

Gaslighting is a Form of Emotional Abuse

• Repetition: The gaslighter continues to repeat the same accusations to stay on the offensive, control the relationship dynamics and dominate the gaslightee.  This is similar to psychological warfare in that the more the accusations are repeated over time, the more likely the gaslightee will believe them. 

• Double Down on Accusations When Challenged: When the gaslighter is called on their manipulation, they often double and triple down on their accusations. They use more lies, denial, blame, deflection and other manipulative tactics to create doubt, anxiety and insecurity in the partner. The gaslighter might say to the gaslightee, "You're too sensitive" or "You're so dramatic."  They can also: 

• Question the gaslightee's memory about situations
• Trivialize the gaslightee's concerns
• Counter against what the gaslightee says by lying and making up details
• Brush off the gaslightee's concerns
• Divert the gaslightee's attention by changing the subject
• Discredit the gaslightee to family members, friends and other mutual acquaintances by portraying the gaslightee as confused, having a bad memory or being the source of the problem in the relationship.

• Wear Out the Gaslightee: The gaslighter attempts to wear out the gaslightee by constantly remaining on the offensive. The gaslightee often becomes more anxious, pessimistic, fearful and self doubting, which makes them even easier to manipulate. Gaslightees will question their own perceptions and this is how the gaslighter continues to dominate the relationship.

Gaslighting is a Form of Emotional Abuse

• Give False Hope to the Gaslightee: Another manipulation tactic is when the gaslighter will occasionally treat the gaslightee better temporarily. They might be milder in their criticism or express superficial remorse to give the gaslightee false hope.  They might tell their partner that they're now "ready to change" or attend couples therapy or "start over," but this is usually a tactic to get the partner to become complacent and let down their guard.  At that point, the gaslightee might think, "Our relationship really isn't as bad as I thought because my partner is willing to work on our relationship" or "My partner finally understands and he's willing to change." But this tactic is a way to temporarily appease the gaslightee to give false hope.  The goal is to temporarily back off to eventually regain power in the situation during the next phase of gaslighting. 

• Dominate and Control: The ultimate goal of gaslighting is to dominate and control the relationship so the gaslighter can manipulate and take advantage of the gaslightee on an ongoing basis.

How to Deal With Gaslighting

• Recognize the Signs of Gaslighting During the Early Stage:  By recognizing the early warning signs and identifying the problem right away, you can let your partner know that you're not going to put up with this manipulation.  

• Don't Get Into Arguments With the Gaslighter: Gaslighters are usually experts when it comes to arguing, so don't get in arguments with them. They're good at rationalizing, deflecting, twisting your words and using other manipulative tactics, so don't go down that rabbit hole or you'll find yourself on the defensive and exhausted.

• Maintain Your Individual Identity: If you maintain your individual identity and don't form a codependent relationship with the gaslighter, you're less likely to allow the gaslighter to break you down. This means maintaining your sense of self, your individual interests and relationships with supportive friends and family members (see my article: Growing as an Individual While in a Relationship).

• Stay Calm and Grounded: Find ways to stay emotionally balanced and grounded. This could mean that you have a regular practice of meditation, exercise, yoga, maintaining a journal that focuses on yourself (instead of a list of complaints about your partner) or other ways to stay calm and grounded.  When you're calm and grounded, you're less likely to take the gaslighter's bate and get caught up in a spiral of manipulation (see my article: Developing Your Inner Sense of Being Grounded and Calm and Reclaiming the Power of Your Inner Voice).

Staying Calm and Grounded

• Be Assertive and Set Boundaries With Your Partner: Let your partner know that you're not going to put up with this behavior.  Your partner might try to use other tactics to manipulate.  If your partner doesn't respect your boundaries and still tries to manipulate you, stay calm and disengage. You can call a time-out, go for a walk, listen to music or find other ways to disengage from the gaslighter's attempts to dominate you (see my article: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Recognize You Can Only Control Your Own Behavior: In the heat of the moment, it's easy to try to control your partner's behavior, especially in a gaslighting situation. But this usually energizes the gaslighter because they're especially good at manipulating in these situations and pointing out how you're trying to control them without acknowledging that they're trying to control you. So, it's better to focus on yourself and your own behavior instead of trying to control their behavior.  

• Rebuild Your Self Confidence: Find ways to revitalize yourself and find joy and peace of mind. Recognize things that you're good at doing.  If you have given up hobbies you used to love, reengage with these hobbies. Keep a journal to focus on your strengths and find other ways to affirm your self confidence (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills and Focusing on Your Personal Strengths).

Rebuild Your Self Confidence

• Practice Self Compassion: Be compassionate towards yourself if you're struggling with gaslighting. Give yourself the same compassion you would give a good friend in the same situation (see my article: Developing Self Compassion).

• Make a Decision as to Whether You Want to Stay or Get Out of the Relationship: If the gaslighting continues and it's eroding your self esteem, make a decision as to whether you want to stay or get out. No one can make this decision for you. Many people who experience gaslighting leave abruptly and then return to a destructive relationship because they haven't taken the time to think about what they want and plan what they want to do (see my article: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).

Getting Help in Therapy

• Get Help in Therapy: If you're in a relationship where your partner is gaslighting you and they're unwilling to change, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. A skilled psychotherapist can help you to regain your sense of self so you can heal from the damaging effects of gaslighting.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Bait and Switch as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships: A Clinical Vignette

In my prior article, Bait and Switch as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships, I identified the signs of this dynamic and it's intentional and manipulative nature.  In this article, I'm providing a fictional clinical vignette to give more details about this phenomenon and how psychotherapy can help.

Bait and Switch as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships

Clinical Vignette: Bait and Switch as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships:
Amy
When Amy, who was in her mid-30s, met Ted at her friend, Mary's party, she was immediately attracted to his good looks, charm, intelligence, self confidence and sense of humor.

Prior to meeting Ted, she had not met anyone that she liked for over a year, and she was feeling lonely.  He called her within days of meeting her and asked her out to dinner that same week. Soon they were seeing each other on a regular basis at least 2-3 times per week.  Amy enjoyed his company and she sensed that he really liked being with her too.

She liked that Ted said he wanted to settle down and have children because she really wanted children too.  She was concerned that her "biological clock" was ticking and being with a man who wanted children was very important to her.

After they were dating for six months, Ted told Amy that he was laid off from his job.  He also told her that his lease would soon be up and he wanted them to live together.  Amy told him that she would also like them to take their relationship to the next level and agreed that he should move in.  So, Ted moved into Amy's apartment.

Bait and Switch as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships

Six months after Ted moved in, Amy had a talk with Ted about where their relationship was going (see my article: Is It Time for "the Talk"?)

Ted told Amy that he wanted to be with her for the rest of their lives, so they began talking to Amy about getting married.  They were both enthusiastic about getting married.  A month later, they got engaged and they began planning the wedding.

A couple of months before the wedding, Amy told Ted that she wanted to stop taking her birth control pills so that they could have a baby soon.  This was something that they had talked about before, but they never talked about when they wanted to try to conceive.

Ted seemed anxious when Amy spoke to him about stopping the birth control pills.  He told her that he thought it was too soon, and they should wait until he got a better job with an increase in salary before they had a baby.

Amy knew that Ted was concerned about money, but he never mentioned before that he wanted to wait to have children. After being laid off from his sales job, he took a temporary to get by until he could find a better paying job.

Amy told Ted that they could manage financially on what she earned and his income from the temporary job.  She told him the she didn't care if she was supporting both of them for a while until Ted could get on his feet financially.

She also told him that she was concerned about her age and if she would be able to conceive if they waited longer.  But Ted was adamant that he wanted to wait.  He told her that he didn't think it would be much longer before he had a better job.

Somewhat concerned and disappointed, Amy agreed that they would wait until he got a better job.  She knew that he was doing his best to search for another job and she didn't want to nag him about it.

But one day, he left his email open and she happened to see an email from an employment recruiter.  Out of curiosity, she read the email, which was open.  The recruiter said that he was having a difficult time trying to find Ted a job because he was terminated for poor job performance from his last job and, since Ted's industry was one where people had close ties, word had gotten out about Ted's termination.

Amy was surprised to read this because Ted told her that he was laid off due to cutbacks.  He hadn't told her that he was fired for poor job performance.  She decided she would ask him about it when he got home.

But when Ted got home that night, he told her that he had wonderful news.  He said that he received a a great job offer. The job would involve a lot of travel, and they needed him to start right away.

Amy was surprised and pleased to hear Ted's good news.  He was in such a good mood that she refrained from questioning him about the email from the recruiter.  She told herself that the recruiter must have made a mistake, and she and Ted celebrated the good news.

Ted started his new job a few days later, and he said he had to fly out to California for a couple of weeks immediately.  Although Amy was disappointed that the new job would involve so much travel, she was glad that Ted had a full time job that paid well again.

While Ted was in California, he called Amy to talk briefly.  He said that he couldn't talk long because he had dinner meetings and he wouldn't get back to his hotel room until late.

During one of those calls, Amy brought up having a baby again and Ted got angry, "I just started this job!  Give me a chance to get settled!" and then he hung up.  Amy didn't hear from him for the rest of the week.  She tried calling him several times, but her calls went directly to voicemail and he didn't return her calls.

While he was away, Amy worried about what it meant that he wasn't calling her or responding to her calls.  He had never behaved this way before and she didn't know what to expect.

When Ted got home, he was in a grumpy mood. Amy tried to talk to him, but he went into the study and closed the door.  He didn't come into their bedroom until she had already fallen asleep, and he left for work the following morning before she woke up.

Annoyed and frustrated, Amy made up her mind to ask Ted what was going on.  She couldn't believe that he would still be so annoyed with her.  But an hour before the time that he usually got home, he texted her that he would be in a late night meeting and she shouldn't wait up for him.  It worried Amy that he also told her that he wouldn't be available to talk by phone.

When Amy woke up the next morning, she realized that Ted had not come home at all.  She tried to reach him on his cellphone, but he didn't respond.

Alarmed, she texted him that she would meet him after work in front of his new office building.  Ted texted back immediately that "under no circumstances" should Amy wait for him outside his office building.  He told her that he would be home late due to late night meetings and she shouldn't wait up for him.  Amy tried to call him several times, but he didn't respond to her messages.

By now, Amy was very worried that something was seriously wrong in their relationship.  Not sure what to do, she left work early and, despite what Ted told her, she waited for him outside his office building for more than two hours.  When Ted come out of the building, she tried to reach him again, to no avail.

She asked the security guard in the building if he knew Ted's company and what floor it was on, but the security guard said he never heard of this company.  Amy thought that was odd, and she decided to go back home.

As Amy walked home feeling dejected, she was crushed to see him walking across the street with an attractive young woman on his arm.  They were busy talking and laughing so Ted didn't see Amy.  In tears, she followed them from a distance and saw them go into a residential apartment building a few blocks away.

After that, Amy knew that Ted was having an affair and their relationship was over.  But she wanted an explanation from Ted.

When he got home that night, Ted was in a good mood.  He gave Amy a hug and no longer seemed angry with her.  Hurt and angry, Amy pushed him away, "I saw you today with another woman!  What's going on?  Have you been cheating on me all along?"

Ted stepped back angrily, "What are you talking about?  I don't know who you saw, but it wasn't me."

Amy burst into tears, "Ted, I saw you with my own eyes! Why are you lying to me?  We're going to get married in a few weeks.  What are you doing?  And do you even have a job or have you been deceiving me about that too?"

Ted's manner changed.  He suddenly became cold, "Alright.  Now you know.  Are you satisfied?  I don't have a job.  I just told you that I did. And, yes, I've been seeing someone else.  I tried to protect you from all of this, but you had to be nosy."

Amy was too stunned to say a word, but Ted continued, "Look, you were the one who wanted to get married and have a baby.  I never really wanted to get married and have children.  I was trying to please you, but we're not getting along, so what's the point?  Let's just call it quits."

Amy was shocked.  It was all happening so fast.  She tried to talk to Ted, but he began packing his things, "Amy, it's over.  Move on with your life."

After he packed his things, refusing to talk to Amy, Ted left abruptly slamming the door behind him.  She called their mutual friend, Mary, in tears.

Mary listened patiently and when Amy finished talking, Mary cleared her throat and spoke hesitantly, "I'm sorry, Amy.  I heard from a friend a few years ago that he did the same thing to her.  He moved in with her when he lost his job, he proposed to her and then he left her for someone else.  She said it was like he turned into another person and blamed her.  I was hoping that Ted had changed.  You both seemed so in love, and I didn't want to spoil things by telling you.  I had no idea he would do the same thing to you.  I'm so sorry.  I should have warned you..."

Amy was numb after she heard Mary's words and she hung up the phone while Mary was still speaking.

A few days later, Amy contacted her friends, relatives and the wedding vendors to let them know that the wedding was off.  She gave no explanation.

Soon after that, Amy began psychotherapy to deal with her shock and loss.  Her psychotherapist listened empathically.  Then, she explained to Amy that it appeared that Ted had manipulated her for his own selfish reasons.  She also explained the "bait and switch" tactic that some people in relationships engage in.

Amy found out a few weeks later from an acquaintance that Ted was now living with his new girlfriend, the same woman that Amy saw on his arm.

During the next several months, Amy attended her weekly psychotherapy sessions.  She felt emotionally supported and understood by her psychotherapist.

They used EMDR therapy to work on the trauma of being manipulated and abandoned by Ted and the humiliation and sadness she felt about cancelling her wedding (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy?, How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain, and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Gradually, over time, she began to work through the trauma.  She also began to understand what happened, how Ted had lied to her all along about wanting to get married and have children so that she would take him in and support him.  She also realized that she overlooked certain red flags about Ted's character.  She understood that her loneliness and desire to be in a relationship might have made her more susceptible to Ted's charisma (see my article: Relationships: Falling For Charisma Instead of Character).

After talking to other people who knew Ted, Amy found out that Ted's usual pattern was to get involved with a woman and move in with her when he was having financial problems.  They told her that he was usually unfaithful and began a relationship with a new woman before he left his current relationship.

Gradually, as Amy continued in therapy, she regained her self confidence again.  When she met another man that she really liked, she was leery of trusting him.  But, over time, she lost her fear of being in a relationship again, and she opened up to this new experience.

Conclusion
People who engage in bait and switch tactics are usually very good at manipulating other people.  They can be very charming and take advantage of people.

In some cases, like in the vignette above, they are narcissistic and often engage in gaslighting.  These traits might not emerge until later on in the relationship.

There are often red flags, but the person who is being conned often misses these red flags because of their own state of denial.

The bait and switch can be about anything, as I mentioned in my prior article.

Getting Help in Therapy
Experiencing betrayal and manipulation by someone that you love is a shocking and hurtful experience.  It's a traumatic experience that can make it difficult for you to trust again.

Working with an experienced psychotherapist can help you to overcome this traumatic experience (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe to yourself to get help from a skilled licensed mental health professional so you can heal (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many people to overcome betrayal and loss so they can move on with their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

"Bait and Switch" as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I see many clients who complain that their significant other made promises to them that they didn't honor and, worse still, never had any intention of honoring.  Feeling confused, upset and betrayed, these clients talk about being manipulated by their significant other with a "bait and switch" tactic, which is the topic of this article (see my article: Keeping or Breaking Promises).

"Bait and Switch" as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships

What is "Bait and Switch" in Relationships?
To be clear, there will obviously be disappointments and frustration at some point in every relationship.  Being human, we all make mistakes.  But those are very different situations from the concept of "bait and switch."

"Bait and switch" isn't a matter of making a mistake or having a change of heart.  It's intentional manipulation.  Someone makes a promise to do something in order to get what s/he wants at that point in time--knowing all the while that s/he will never honor that promise.

It's not unusual for the person who engages in "bait and switch" to try to turn the tables on his or her partner by either blaming the partner or denying that s/he ever admitted to a problem or said s/he would change.

This act of turning the tables often involves the "gaslighting" of the partner who is being manipulated and betrayed (see my article: Are You Being Gaslighted in Your Relationship?).

The fact that it's an intentional act is what makes people on the receiving end of "bait and switch" feel so confused, upset and betrayed.  They often say that they feel like they don't even know who their partner is anymore and, maybe, never did.

Examples of "Bait and Switch" in Relationships:

• A man, who has been unfaithful during the dating phase of a relationship, makes a promise to his significant other that he won't cheat if they get married.  But after the marriage, when his then-wife finds out that he is still cheating, he tells her that he is "just being a man," he has no intention of ending his extramarital affairs, she needs to "get use to it" and stop nagging him about it.

• A woman, who has mismanaged her finances, promises her fiancé that she will clear up her debt before they get married.  But after they get married, she not only hasn't cleared up her prior debt, but she continues to overspend because she has no intention of changing.  When her husband confronts her about this, she tells him that he is "making a big deal out of nothing."

• A fiancé, who has unresolved emotional problems that are affecting his romantic relationship, promises his fiancee that he will participate in psychotherapy.  However, time passes and he doesn't make an effort to start therapy.  When his fiancee confronts him about it, he refuses to go to therapy, denies that he ever said he would, and tells her that he sees no reason to do it.  He tells her that she is the one with the problem so she should go to therapy.

• A significant other promises she will get help for her gambling problem after she and her fiancé get married.  But after the marriage, she denies having a problem, and she accuses him of "imagining things." 

• Knowing that his girlfriend will not marry him if the rumors that he is the father of another woman's baby are true, a man adamantly denies to his girlfriend that he is baby's father.  He denies even knowing this other woman.  However, after they get married and he gets the results of a DNA test and a court order to pay child support, he tells his now-wife that he is the baby's father and denies ever telling her that he wasn't.

• A woman, who was charming and loving before the marriage, becomes emotionally abusive to her husband after the marriage.  When he confronts her about it, she tells her husband, who is stunned by the change in her behavior, that he is the one with the problem because he is "too needy" and "too sensitive."  Eventually, the husband finds out that his wife was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder long before they got married, but she intentionally kept her diagnosis a secret from him before the marriage (see my article: Coping With a Spouse Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder).

• Before getting married, a couple agree that they both want children.   But after they get married, the husband reveals that he never wanted children, and he only told her that he did because he knew she wouldn't marry him if he told her the truth.  He doesn't understand why his wife is so upset with him now.

And so on.

There are many more examples of "bait and switch" in relationships, but I think you can see a pattern in the examples that I've given and note that information is either intentionally withheld and/or lied about.

"Bait and Switch" as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships

In most cases, the person who engages in "bait and switch" is manipulating to get what s/he wants, knowing all along that s/he won't fulfill the commitment.

The person who engages in "bait and switch" often lacks empathy for the partner, which is the hallmark of people with narcissistic or sociopathic traits.

People who engage in this form of manipulation are often very good at deceiving others to get what they want and can switch on the turn of a dime once they have gotten what they want (see my article: A Relationship With a Narcissistic Partner: Where Did the Love Go?).

In my next article, I'll give a clinical example with more detail to illustrate how these dynamics often play out in a relationship, and how psychotherapy can help (see my next article: "Bait and Switch" as a Form of Manipulation in Relationships: A Clinical Vignette).

Conclusion
Unfortunately, "bait and switch" in relationships isn't as uncommon as most people would like to think.

It can be very upsetting and confusing once the trusting partner realizes that s/he has been "conned" by the significant other.

Many people who are on the receiving end of the "bait and switch" tactic go through a phase of shock and denial before they fully accept who the partner is and what happened in the relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
Realizing that the person you love has manipulated and lied to you is a betrayal that most people find too difficult to cope with on their own.

An experienced psychotherapist cannot tell you what to do about your relationship, but she can help you to go through the process of making a decision that will be right for you (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than struggling on your own and feeling trapped, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who can assist you to work through your problems (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing therapist and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.
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Relationships: Gaslighting and Infidelity

In previous articles, I've discussed various aspects of infidelity.

See my articles: 

Infidelity: Married, Bored and Cheating Online

Infidelity on Social Media Sites

Infidelity - Your Spouse Cheated on You: Should You Stay or Should You Go?

Getting Involved in a Love Triangle to Avoid Dealing With Problems in Your Relationship 

Broken Promises: Surviving Infidelity

I'm focusing on a particular aspect that often occurs when there is infidelity, which is gaslighting, in this article.

Relationships: Gaslighting and Infidelity

In her book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, Esther Perel, discusses, among other things, the psychological concept of gaslighting and how people who are cheating on their partners use this form of psychological abuse to hide affairs (see my article: Are You Being Gaslighted in Your Relationship?).

What Is Gaslighting?
Before going any further, let's start with a definition of gaslighting.

As I mentioned in my prior article, the term stems from a 1944 film called Gaslight with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman.  In the movie, Boyer's character tries to manipulate his wife (Bergman) into thinking that she is losing her mind by secretly making the gaslights in their home flicker on and off. Since the wife trusts him and she doesn't know that her husband is manipulating her, she begins to doubt her perception of things, which is what he wants.

A contemporary situation involving gaslighting and infidelity involves a partner manipulating the other partner by lying about an affair.  The partner, who is having the affair, might be so convincing that the partner being cheated on doubts his or her own perception--even when there's clear evidence of the infidelity.

It might seem incredible that someone would doubt his or her own perception, especially when there's evidence of cheating.  But it's important to understand that the person cheating is often very convincing and the person being cheated on is often in denial about what's going on.

Being in denial is understandable when you consider that to acknowledge an affair could not only ruin the relationship and life as the two people in it have known it.  It also raises many questions:  Who is this person you're in a relationship with that you thought you knew?  What's real?  Is the whole relationship false?  Can the relationship survive?  Do you want to try to salvage the relationship? (see my article: Betrayal: Coping With the Sudden Realization That You Don't Know Your Spouse).

A Fictional Clinical Vignette:  Gaslighting and Infidelity:
Ann
Ann began therapy shortly after she found out that her romantic partner of 10 years, Rob, had been cheating on her for their entire relationship.

Relationships: Gaslighting and Infidelity

She had her suspicions during the last year, especially after she received a call from Rob's former secretary, Jane, who told Ann that Rob and she had been having an affair for a year and he broke it off because Jane was demanding that he leave Ann to be with her.  Jane told Ann that, when she was his secretary, Jane was aware that Rob had many affairs, and she thought Ann should know.

Ann could hear that Jane was angry and hurt.   Ann realized that, even if there was any truth to Jane's story, Jane was getting back at Rob by calling Ann.

When Ann confronted Rob about the call from Jane, he got angry and indignant with Ann.  He told her that he just couldn't believe that Ann would even think that he would do such a thing.  He said Jane was making up this story because he rejected her when she came on to him.  Then, he told Ann he thought she was incredibly gullible for even entertaining such an idea.

Ann felt terrible and apologized to Rob.  She told him that she was sorry that she ever doubted him.  But after he left her apartment, he ignored her calls and texts for a few days until he was ready to accept her apology.

A few weeks later, Ann received an email from Jane.  At first, Ann was going to delete the email without even opening it.  But she was curious, so she opened it.

Ann was shocked that Jane's email contained pictures of her and Rob together having sex.  Jane gave dates, times and names of hotels when she was with Rob.  Ann realized that Rob told her he was away on business trips on those dates.  But according to the information that Jane sent, Rob was in town with Jane.

When Rob came over that night, Ann showed him the email from Jane and Rob blew up.  He told her that Jane was obviously a very disturbed woman, he wasn't the man in the picture, and Jane obviously Photoshopped the pictures to make it seem like it was him, but it wasn't him.

Before he stormed out of Ann's apartment, Rob told her that he needed time to think.  He said he was very hurt and he wasn't sure if he wanted to remain in a relationship with a woman who insinuated that he was a cheater and a liar.

Afterwards, Ann was confused.  Even though she loved Rob and she wanted to be with him, she wanted to know the truth, so she contacted Jane and met her for lunch the next day.

After their lunch together, Ann's head was reeling.  Jane showed Ann more texts with sexual messages from Rob.  She also told Ann that she heard from other women, who were also having affairs with Rob, and she showed Ann those emails as well.

Ann felt so betrayed.  She wondered if Rob ever loved her and if anything about their relationship was real.  She also felt like a fool for ignoring the obvious signs that he was cheating.

Feeling lonely and confused, Ann called her best friend, Liz and told her what happened.  Liz came over and comforted Ann as best as she could.  When Liz asked Ann what she was going to do, Ann said she wasn't sure.  She didn't know if she wanted to break up with Rob or tell him that she wanted to go to couples counseling to try to salvage their relationship.

Ann could tell that Liz thought she should break up with Rob, but Liz was hesitant about giving advice.  At that point, Ann was so shocked, she couldn't think straight.

When Rob called Ann a few days later, she asked him to come over so they could talk.  Before Rob arrived, Ann hoped that when she confronted him with what she knew from Jane that Rob would admit that he cheated with Jane and other women and they could agree to go to couples counseling.

But when she confronted him with the new information that she now had, Rob blew up again and went into a rant--calling her names and berating her for believing "such nonsense."

At that point, since Rob couldn't acknowledge the affair--much less express his remorse--Ann was devastated.  She knew that their relationship was over.  When she told Rob that she couldn't trust him, so their relationship was over, he continued to act angry and indignant.  Ann was amazed at how he was still trying to manipulate her and how he had manipulated her all along.

Now, sitting in front of her new psychotherapist, aside from feeling angry, Ann felt ashamed that she allowed Rob to fool her.  Her psychotherapist explained gaslighting to Ann and told her that she was having a common response.

Over time, Ann worked in therapy to overcome the traumatic experience of feeling betrayed by Rob.  Her current trauma was exacerbated by her family history, which included her father cheating on her mother.

Aside from working on the current trauma and the history of family trauma, Ann and her psychotherapist also worked on Ann overcoming her shame and building back her self esteem.

Conclusion
Gaslighting is often part of infidelity.  The person who is cheating manipulates in order to keep the affair a secret.

Many relationships cannot withstand the combination of infidelity and gaslighting, especially if the person who is cheating doesn't ultimately admit cheating and doesn't feel genuine remorse for the pain that s/he caused the other partner.

However, many relationships survive infidelity and gaslighting when the person who was cheating stops having the affair(s) and the couple work towards strengthening their relationship and rebuilding trust, if possible, in couples counseling.

One of the common misconceptions about infidelity is that it only occurs in relationships where the person who is cheating is unhappy.  Contrary to this common misconception, many people go outside their relationship even when they still love their partner and are basically happy in the relationship.

The reasons for the infidelity are numerous and vary with each relationship.  While no reason can justify infidelity, an understanding of why it occurred can be helpful to each person whether they decide to stay together or not.

Often, it has more to do with how the person who is cheating feels about him or herself or how s/he wants to feel (see my article: The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are struggling in your relationship, you owe it to yourself to get help (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through the complicated emotions that are usually experienced after infidelity and gaslighting have been discovered (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.