What is Psychological Manipulation?

Psychological manipulation or gaslighting involves someone else controlling your thoughts, emotions or behavior (see my article: What Are 7 Signs You're Being Gaslighted?).

What is Psychological Manipulation?

The primary goal of psychological manipulation is control.

The manipulation can be subtle or it can be more overt. 

In addition, the person doing the manipulation might or might not be aware they're manipulating.

Manipulation can start out relatively small and build up over time, which makes it difficult for you to realize you're being manipulated.

Sometimes people who are outside of this dynamic can detect the manipulation more easily than you can. 

You might not want to believe that someone close to you is trying to manipulate you so you might second guess yourself about what's going on.

Why is Psychological Manipulation So Damaging?

As mentioned above, you might not recognize you're being manipulated which can cause you to be in denial about it.

What is Psychological Manipulation?

In addition, over time, you might lose trust in your own thoughts, feelings and behavior and, instead, you rely solely on the person who is manipulating you. This means you're giving up your power to the person manipulating you.

    

See my articles: 

Are You Giving Up Your Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well? 

Taking Back Your Power

What Are the Signs You're Being Manipulated in a Relationship?

The following list includes some of the most common signs that you're being manipulated.

Your partner might exhibit some of these signs and not others:

• They Blame You for Their Actions: They don't take responsibility for the things they do. Instead, they blame you. If they lose their temper, go out and binge drink or engage in other destructive behavior, they blame you. From their  perspective, you made them do it.

• They Try to Convince You That You're Wrong: They make excuses for their behavior. They might try to twist what happened to get you to appear as if you're the one who is wrong and they're right. They also tend to be relentless in getting you to take the blame for whatever happened and they don't stop until you say you were wrong.

• They Put Words in Your Mouth and Distort What You Say: People who are highly skilled at manipulation know how to turn your words against you until you're convinced of what they're saying. However, what they're doing is distorting your words through trickery so they can have the upper hand in the situation. And, if you don't realize this, you might allow your partner to do this and then you doubt yourself.

• They Blame You If You Don't Trust Them: If you don't go along with their manipulation, they tend to portray themselves as being trustworthy (when they're not) and blame you for not trusting them--even if, objectively, they have shown themselves to be untrustworthy many times.

What is Psychological Manipulation?

• They Keep Secrets: Whether their secrets are big or small, they tend to keep secrets from you. The secrets might involve where they are, who they're with or what they're doing. Even when you find out about their secrets and it makes no sense to you why they're keeping this secret, the problem isn't necessarily about the particular secret--it's about the fact that they're withholding information from you as a way to have the upper hand. In addition, if they find out you didn't tell them something that you weren't necessarily keeping a secret (e.g., going to the mall with a friend), they can get upset that there's something you're doing--no matter how innocent--that they don't know about because it means they're not in control of this aspect of your life. So, there's a double standard here about what they feel is okay for them and what they feel is okay for you.

• They Don't Like You to Have Privacy: This is similar to keeping secrets. Even if you've given them no reason to mistrust you, they want to know everything that's going on with you--who you saw, who you spoke to, where you went, when you went and so on. They might also want to check your phone, email and texts so you don't have any privacy because when you have privacy, they can't control that part of your life which makes them feel uncomfortable. But when it comes to their privacy, they insist on it. Once again, this is about control and it's another double standard (see my article: What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy?).

• They Try to Make You Feel Guilty: They can try to make you feel guilty in a number of different ways. For instance, if you made a mistake, they might keep bringing it up as a way to make you feel guilty and bad about yourself. They might keep bringing up your mistakes long after they occurred. This is another way they try to control you.

• They Use Passive Aggressive Tactics: When they're angry with you, instead of talking about it directly, they act out in ways they know would annoy you to get back at you. Then, they might deny they were behaving in a passive aggressive way out of spite.

• They Use Your Trust Against You: They might offer to help you in your time of need. Then, when you trust them and accept their help, they put you down for needing and accepting their help. They try to make you feel like you're "weak" for needing their help--even if they offered to help.

• They Don't Like You to See Friends and Family: People who are highly manipulative know that if you have loved ones in your life, generally speaking, you're less likely to allow yourself to be manipulated because you'll be getting feedback from others about your partner's behavior, which your partner won't like. They want to be the only ones who influence and control you so your loved ones are threatening to your partner.

• They Start Arguments About Little Things: Even if you want to be easygoing and agreeable, a partner who wants to manipulate you might start a small fight with you as a way to get you to give in to them. Their strategy is to control you.

• They Blame You For Other People's Actions: In addition to blaming you about their actions, they might blame you for other people's actions. For instance, if someone at a party flirts with you and, objectively, you didn't encourage this behavior, instead of blaming the other person for flirting, your partner finds a way to blame you. They might say you encouraged the flirting by what you wore to the party or how you spoke or anything else. This type of behavior often gets confused with jealousy, but it's really about manipulation.

• They Talk Down to You and Belittle You: They speak to you in a condescending way. This is a form of emotional abuse. They want you to feel inferior to them or that you wouldn't be able to survive without them (see my article: Belittling Behavior in Relationships).

• They Behave in a Self Centered Way: They make the relationship center around them. If you need their emotional support, they invalidate your feelings. They might point out that either they have it much harder than you do and tell you that you have no right to your feelings. This is a form of narcissism and emotional abuse (see my article: Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame).

There are many other ways that a partner can manipulate, but the ones mentioned above are some of the most common ones. And, as previously mentioned, your partner doesn't have to exhibit all of these signs in order to be manipulative.

This article focused on psychological manipulation between two partners in a relationship, but this form of manipulation can occur between any two or more people.

Get Help in Therapy

Psychological manipulation is damaging to your self esteem and your sense of self. 

Get Help in Therapy

Over time, you might feel so disempowered that, even when you realize you're being manipulated, you continue to give away your power to your partner because you have become increasingly emotionally dependent upon them.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients to overcome this problem.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

With over 20 years of experience, I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Sexual Narcissism? Part 1

People with sexual narcissistic traits are self centered and usually have an inflated view of their sexual abilities.  They're primarily focused on what they want and, in the process, they can be manipulative, aggressive and coercive to get what they want (see my article: Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of "Players").

What is Sexual Narcissism?

Their focus is primarily on having sex and they often have little ability or interest in developing emotional intimacy with their sexual partners.

They believe they have a right to sex. They're also usually not interested in what their partners want sexually.

If they're in a relationship, they're often unfaithful and lack empathy for their partners (see my article: The Connection Between Infidelity and a Need to Feel Desirable).

Like most other psychological problems, sexual narcissism is on a continuum with some people exhibiting more traits than others.

What is the Difference Between Sexual Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Sexual narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are related, but they are two separate concepts.  

As a personality disorder, NPD is observable in all areas of a person's life--whether it's their romantic relationships, familial relationships or with work colleagues.

Sexual narcissism shows up specifically in sexual relationships.  Although it's possible for someone with NPD to also engage in sexual narcissism, a sexual narcissist doesn't necessarily have a NPD.

Another difference is that while a sexually narcissistic person is often aggressive, someone with NPD doesn't necessarily engage in aggressive behavior or, at least, it's not part of the criteria for diagnosing NPD.

What Are the Telltale Signs of a Sexual Narcissist?

• Charming During the Initial Phase of a Relationship: Sexual narcissists like the thrill of the chase, so during the initial stage of a relationship they're often charming until they get what they want. Once the chase is over and they have what they want, they no longer feel the need to be charming and engaging.  At that point, they usually take their partner for granted.

• Grandiose Behavior With Underlying Low Self Esteem: Although their behavior is grandiose with regard to their perception of their sexual prowess, they often have an underlying sense of low self esteem.  The grandiosity is a cover up for a poor sense of self.  They also use sex and their many sexual conquests to boost their poor sense of self.

• A Focus on the Physical Over the Emotional: Their primary focus is on having sex--not establishing an emotional connection.  Having sex isn't about emotional intimacy for them--it's about sexual performance, dominance and boosting their ego.  They often have an inflated sense of their sexual performance--regardless of how their partner feels about it (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

• A Lack of Empathy For Their Partner: Although they might try to charm and impress their partner during the initial phase of a relationship, once the thrill of the chase is over, from their point of view, their partner exists to please them.  They often don't see their partner as having their own needs and wants. They often pressure their partner to perform sexual acts their partner might not be interested in.  They can demand sex from their partner regardless if their partner is tired, sick or in pain.

• Negative Reactions If They Don't Get What They Want: They don't like it when their partners don't give them what they want.  They might get angry, critical, sarcastic or passive aggressive (e.g., giving their partner the cold shoulder or the silent treatment). They might try to guilt trip their partner into doing what they want. Taking on the role of the victim is typical of the sexual narcissist--even while they're the one who is victimizing their partner.

• Put Down Their Partner: In order to feel superior or manipulate their partner into doing what they want, a sexual narcissist will often belittle their partner by calling their partner names or putting them down in other ways (see my article: What is Belittling Behavior?).

• Treat Their Partner Poorly After Sex: After sex, they usually don't engage in cuddling or being affectionate with their partners. Usually this is because they lack the ability, but also because they don't feel the need after sex because they've gotten what they were interested in.  It doesn't matter what their partner might need.

• Infidelity: The sexual narcissist is often unfaithful.  Once the thrill of the chase is over, they want to find the next person to pursue sexually because this is what they most enjoy.  They're often not concerned about whether their behavior will hurt their partner.

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical vignette to illustrate what sexual narcissism looks like in a relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're with someone who is a sexual narcissist or if you recognize these traits in yourself, you can benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Rather than trying to resolve this problem on your own, seek help.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.