The Silent Treatment and Gaslighting As Emotional and Psychological Abuse

The combination of the silent treatment and gaslighting is a powerful form of emotional and psychological abuse (see my article: What is Psychological Manipulation?).

Let's look at each one separately and then we'll look at them together.

What is the Silent Treatment?

It's important to distinguish the silent treatment from someone who communicates they need a break from an argument.  

The Silent Treatment

When someone communicates they need a break, they usually do it because they are feeling overwhelmed or they feel a conflict is getting out of control and both people need a break. The understanding is that this is a temporary break and both sides will come together again in a calmer state to continue talking.

The silent treatment a deliberate and prolonged withdrawal of communication. It's usually used to control and inflict punishment.  

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting involves manipulating someone into questioning their own thoughts, perceptions and memories (see my article: What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship?).

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a control tactic to get someone to doubt their reality so they often become dependent upon the abuser.

    Common tactics or phrases include:

• Denial of Facts: "That never happened" or "I never said that" even when they are confronted with proof

• Trivializing Feelings: "You're overreacting" or "You're too sensitive"

• Diverting/Blocking: "You're just imagining things" or accusing someone of being "crazy"

• Twisting Information: Manipulating events to make the other person feel guilty or at fault

    Signs of Gaslighting:

• Second-Guessing Yourself: You constantly second guess your memories or decisions.

• Confusion, Anxiety, Disorientation: You feel confused, anxious or disoriented.

• Self Doubt: You feel like you can't do anything right.

How Does the Combination of the Silent Treatment and Gaslighting Function as Abuse?

• Gaslighted By Silence: When someone uses the silent treatment, they are withholding emotion and connection. If they deny they were cold or indicate that they were "just taking space", despite engaging in a cruel and prolonged shutdown, they are using silence as a form of gaslighting.

Gaslighting By Silence

• Creating "Crazy-Making" Doubt: They might ignore the other person after a disagreement and then act as if nothing happened or accuse the other person of overreacting when they try to address their prolonged coldness. This can cause the other person to question their perceptions.

• The Cycle of Punishment and Reward: They use silence to punish the other person as a way to manipulate them into "working" for the resumption of the conversation (e.g., apologizing for something they didn't do).

• Narcissistic Tendencies: People who use the silent treatment and gaslighting tend to have narcissistic tendencies. They often engage in this behavior to avoid taking responsibility.

What is the Psychological Impact of the Silent Treatment and Gaslighting?

• Internalized Blame and Feelings of Inadequacy: The person who is experiencing the silent treatment and gaslighting can feel shame, guilt and a decrease in their sense of self worth.

Self Blame and Doubt

• "Walking on Eggshells": They can develop high anxiety and hypervigilance while monitoring the other person's mood to avoid another episode of the silent treatment.

• Trauma Bonding: The unpredictable cycle of severe disconnection followed by sudden reconnection can create trauma bonds making them increasingly dependent on the other person (see my article: What isTrauma Bonding in a Relationship?.).

• Physical and Neurological Pain: Research indicates that being deliberately ignored activates the same area in the brain, the anterior cingulate cortex, that processes physical pain.

• Long Term Effects: Prolonged exposure to a combination of the silent treatment and gaslighting can lead to symptoms similar to posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) including chronic stress, anxiety, depression and confusion.

What Can You Do If You're Experiencing the Silent Treatment and Gaslighting?

• Be Aware This is Abuse: By recognizing this behavior as abuse that is meant to control you can help you to reduce self blame.

Setting Boundaries

• Set Boundaries: Communicate that you won't engage with someone who refuses to communicate openly and effectively (see my article: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Document Incidents: Keep a record of these incidents to counteract the effects to gaslighting.

Getting Help in Therapy

• Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members and a licensed mental health professional to break the cycle of isolation.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Healing From Childhood Trauma: What is the Difference Between Abuse and Emotional Neglect?

I've written about childhood trauma in prior articles, including articles about childhood abuse and neglect.

Childhood Abuse vs Neglect

A common question that clients ask when they are in trauma therapy involves understanding the difference between abuse and neglect, which is the subject of this article (see my article: How Trauma Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma).

What is the Difference Between Abuse and Neglect?

The main difference between childhood abuse and neglect is action versus inaction of the caregiver as well as the intent of their behavior. 

• Abuse: Abuse is often an active, intentional, effort to harm, threaten or injure a child. It is an act of commission. Examples include (but are not limited to) physical harm, emotional abuse and sexual abuse. Abuse usually involves intentional, reckless and premeditated behavior.

• Emotional Neglect: Emotional neglect is often passive. It is an act of omission. The caregiver does not provide the necessary basic care (food, shelter, medical care) and emotional nurturance which includes the emotional support, validation, empathy and secure emotional connection for healthy childhood development.

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes illustrate the difference between childhood abuse and neglect.  All identifying information has been removed to protect confidentiality.

An Example of Abuse: Sara

When Sara was a young child, her father would often come home drunk and beat Sara and her siblings. He would also hit their mother who felt powerless to stop him from hitting her and the children. By the next day, when the father was sober, he didn't remember hitting his wife and children. But after Sara's maternal uncle moved into the home, he put a stop to the abuse by restraining the father and calling the police. After several incidents where the police were called, the father was court mandated to get into alcohol treatment and the family received mental health services from a local community mental health service.

An Example of Neglect: Tom

When Tom was a young boy, he was emotionally neglected by both of his parents. His mother focused on her design business so that she rarely went to any school activities that Tom participated in. She would frequently place Tom in front of the television while she entertained clients in the house. His father was usually away on business trips and, when he was at home, he spent most of his time in his den watching sports while Tom was alone in his room. When a young family moved next door, the mother would invite Tom to come over to play with her children. She was also kind and compassionate with Tom because she realized he was a lonely boy.

The Trauma of Childhood Abuse and Neglect

Both abuse and emotional neglect are traumatic.

There are times when emotional neglect can be more damaging than abuse because:

• Emotional Neglect is Often Invisible: Emotional neglect can be hard to identify because it's often invisible. Neglect is characterized by what didn't happen (lack of love, attention or validation) as opposed to certain forms of abuse that can be detected based on marks or scars on a child's body that are noticeable.

Childhood Abuse vs Neglect

• Children Internalize Neglect: Whereas children who are abused might blame the abuser, children  who are emotionally neglected often blame themselves. These children believe they are flawed in some way and, as a result, they were unlovable (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

• Brain Development: Many children who are severely and chronically neglected can experience cognitive and language deficits.

What Are the Long Term Effects of Childhood Abuse and Neglect?

Both abuse and neglect can have a long lasting potential psychological effects including:

• Mental Health: Anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

• Relationship Problems: Problems with trust, fear of intimacy or self abandonment in relationships (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?)

• Problems with Emotions: Difficulty identifying, managing and expressing emotions 

Conclusion

Although both abuse and neglect can have long lasting effects, studies have shown that neglect is often particularly damaging especially when the neglect is unseen, ignored or overlooked.

Although I have discussed abuse and neglect separately to distinguish one from the other, there can also be a combination of abuse and neglect.

Many adults believe their experience wasn't bad enough to get help.  However, the trauma of abuse and neglect usually require the therapeutic interventions of trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy includes a group of therapies that were specifically developed to help clients to overcome the traumatic effects of their history (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective at Resolving Trauma Than Talk Therapy?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy includes:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic Experiencing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy)

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist.

Working through unresolved trauma can help you to free yourself from your history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Emotional Regulation: What is the Difference Between Being Calm and Being Emotionally Numb?

Over the years, working with clients who have unresolved trauma, I have discovered that many people don't understand the difference between being calm and being emotionally numb (see my article: What is Emotional Regulation?).

Emotional Regulation: Calmness vs Emotional Numbing

Many clients who meditate on a regular basis often think they're calm when, in reality, they're emotionally numb. 

So, I think it's worthwhile to provide information about the difference between being calm and being numb in the current article (see my article: How to Manage Emotions Without Suppressing Them).

What is the Difference Between Being Calm and Being Emotionally Numb?

There is a big difference between the state of being calm and the state of being emotionally numb:

Calmness:

• A conscious effort to relax, center and ground yourself

Calmness

• A state of peace and serenity
• An ability to be aware, acknowledge and manage emotions in an healthy way

Emotional Numbness:

• A unconscious coping mechanism to avoid overwhelming emotions
• A feeling of being emotionally detached, shut down, empty
• An inability to feel positive or negative emotions 

Emotional Numbness

• An experience of physical and/or emotional flatness
• The potential to lose interest in people and activities that were enjoyable before
• An impaired ability to fully participate in life
• A usual preference for being alone rather than being with others

Note: You don't have to experience all of these symptoms to be emotionally numb.

What Causes Emotional Numbness?

Emotional numbness is usually an unconscious strategy or defense mechanism for coping with overwhelming emotion.

Emotional numbing can develop at any time in life. 

It often develops at an early age when children are in situations that are emotionally overwhelming (e.g., chaotic home life, emotional and/or physical abuse and so on).

Emotional Numbness

Although this unconscious strategy can help a child to survive in an emotionally unhealthy environment because they don't get too overwhelmed, it becomes a hindrance when these children become adults.

As adults, these individuals often have difficulty knowing what they feel about themselves and others. They might also experience difficulty connecting emotionally with others so that even if part of them wants to connect with others, another part of them is afraid.  

These internal parts tend to create conflict between their desire and their dread for connection (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

As mentioned earlier, unresolved trauma often plays of significant role for people who are emotionally numb.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how emotional numbness creates problems in a relationship and how trauma therapy can help:

Alexa

During the early stage of Alexa's relationship with Jim, she enjoyed getting to know him and spending time with him.

Problems developed after the honeymoon stage of their relationship.

Alexa and Jim

Prior to that, Alexa was aware of her emotions. She also enjoyed sex with Jim.  

However, after the initial stage of their relationship, as they became more emotionally intimate, Alexa felt emotionally and physically flat. She also felt disconnected from Jim.

After she sought help in trauma therapy, Alexa became aware of how her early history of emotional neglect and sexual abuse affected her ability to be emotionally and sexually available with Jim.

Her family history included growing up with parents who were emotionally distant from her. 

In addition, from the age of 10-13, she was sexually abused by her father's brother who took care of Alexa when her parents went out in the evenings.

Whenever her uncle came into her bedroom at night and fondled her, Alexa would freeze and dissociate (i.e., zone out).

In other words, she would become emotionally numb as an unconscious way to protect herself from being overwhelmed by the abuse.

Even when Alexa told her parents about the uncle's sexual abuse, they didn't know how to deal with it because they were intimidated by the father's brother because he was the  oldest brother and he tended to dominate Alexa's father.

As a result, although her parents stopped asking the uncle to take care of Alexa, they never confronted him, so he faced no consequences for the abuse. 

It wasn't until the uncle abused his neighbors' young daughter that he faced legal consequences after his neighbors reported him to the police and he was arrested. 

During her trauma therapy, Alexa processed her unresolved trauma with a combination of EMDR Therapy,  Somatic Experiencing and Parts Work Therapy.

The work involved the abuse by the uncle as well as her parents' neglect.

The work was neither quick nor easy but, over time, Alexa processed the trauma and she was able to be more emotionally self aware and present with Jim.  

Alexa and Jim also sought help in sex therapy to help them both to overcome their sexual problems so they could enjoy sex again.

Conclusion

There is a big difference between being calm and being emotionally numb.

Emotional numbness is often a survival strategy to ward off overwhelming emotions related to unresolved trauma.

Trauma therapy can help clients to work through unresolved trauma. 

Everyone is different in terms of how they process trauma. 

How long trauma therapy takes often depends on many factors, including the depth and complexity of the trauma as well as a client's internal resources and ability to process the trauma.

When there is a history of sexual abuse which affects a relationship, sex therapy is often helpful to assist clients to connect emotionally and sexually in a way that feels safe and pleasurable for both of them (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the training and expertise to help you.

Working through trauma helps to free you from your history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many clients to overcome trauma, including sexually related trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children

In my prior article, How Can Trauma Therapy Help to Cope With Family Estrangements?, I began a discussion about family estrangements and how trauma therapy can help.

Family estrangements, also known as cutoffs, can occur between parents and adult children or between adult siblings (see my article: Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children

In the current article, which is a part of a series of articles on family estrangements, I'm focusing on estrangements between parents and adult children where the adult child has a problem with a parent's current behavior or past behavior.

In this article, I'll use the terms estrangement and cutoffs interchangeably.

What Are the Most Common Causes of Estrangement Between Parents and Adult Children?

Estrangements can occur for many reasons including but not limited to:

• Abuse, including a history of childhood emotional and physical abuse and sexual abuse

• Neglect, including a history of childhood emotional neglect

• Betrayal

• Bullying

• Psychological problems

• Substance misuse and other compulsive or addictive behavior

• Lack of emotional support

• An adult child's or parent's sexual orientation (see my articles: Coming Out as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Queer, Coming Out to Your Father as a Gay Man)

• An adult child's or parent's gender identity (see my article: Being the "Different One" in Your Family)

• Choice of a partner or spouse (see my article: What to Do If Your Partner and Parents Don't Get Along)

• Religious views (see my article: Religion: Are You Contemplating Your Faith of Origin in a New Light?)

• Political views

• Money issues, including money borrowed, wills, inheritance plans and so on

• Other reasons

How Common Are Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children?

It's estimated that approximately 12% of parents and adult children are estranged.

Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children

Most of the time cutoffs are initiated by adult children.  About 5-6% are initiated by parents.

How Long Do Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children Last?

The length of time for estrangements varies based on the people involved, the problems between them and other individual issues between parents and adult children.

On average, estrangements between parents and adult children last about nine years. However, an estrangement can be days, weeks or months long.

Can an Estrangement Based on a History of Childhood Abuse Be Reconciled?

The best possible hope for a reconciliation is for a parent to acknowledge and make amends to an adult child.  

The problem is that parents who engaged in childhood abuse often don't admit any wrongdoing. 

Even if they admit that their behavior was abusive, they might try to minimize it by saying their behavior wasn't that bad. 

They might also try to minimize it by trying to deny how the early abuse affects the adult child now by saying something like, "That happened so long ago. Why don't you just get over it?" (see my article: How a History of Unresolved Childhood Trauma Can Affect How You Feel About Yourself as an Adult).

Needless to say, it's hurtful for an adult child, who was abused by a parent, to hear their parent dismiss or minimize the impact of the abuse. 

Under these circumstances, some adult children might feel confused and doubt their early experiences or whether they have a right to ask their parent to take responsibility and make amends.

When a parent isn't ready to take responsibility and make amends, they place a nearly impossible barrier for reconciliation. 

Even if the adult child decides to try to somehow put aside their hurt, they will probably still feel resentment and sadness, which might only allow them to engage in limited contact with their parent.

Even if a parent takes responsibility and shows genuine remorse for their behavior, a reconciliation isn't automatic. Emotional healing is a process and, depending upon the problem and the people involved, a reconciliation might be slow or nearly impossible.

Next Article:

In my next article I'll continue to focus on family estrangements and some suggestions on how to reconcile these cutoffs:

Family Estrangements: Understanding Barriers to Reconciliation

Getting Help in Therapy

Family estrangements are usually emotionally wrenching and traumatic whether you're the person who initiated the cutoff or you're the person who has been cutoff.

Getting Help in Therapy

Trauma therapy can help you to heal.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to start the healing process.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialities, as a trauma therapist, is helping adult clients to heal (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapst?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Understanding Unintentional Gaslighting in a Relationship

The focus of this article is unintentional gaslighting in a relationship, which is different from intentional gaslighting.

If you haven't read my prior articles about intentional gaslighting, I suggest you read those articles first to understand the basic concepts of gaslighting (see my articles: Are You Being Gaslighted? and What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship?).

Unintentional Gaslight in a Relationship

Intentional gaslighting is a form of malicious manipulation which is emotionally and psychologically abusive.  The goal of the gaslighter is to undermine the gaslightee's self confidence and make them feel insecure and anxious so they're easier to manipulate.

Understanding Unintentional Gaslight

Before delving into unintentional gaslighting, I want to emphasize that even when gaslighting is unintentional, it's still gaslighting and the gaslighter is still attempting to manipulate and gain control in the relationship--even if it's unconscious and they're unaware of it.  

The destructive consequences of gaslighting, whether intentional or not, are usually the same for the person being gaslighted.  

If the gaslighter is successful in gaslighting, the gaslightee's thoughts, feelings, beliefs and perceptions are invalidated by the gaslighter (see my article: How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation in a Relationship).

Examples of Unintentional Gaslighting

The following list are just a few examples of unintentional and often unconscious gaslighting:

• Telling the gaslightee the problems are all in their mind when it's clearly not

• Responding to the gaslightee who says they are hurt by the gaslighting by saying the gaslightee really doesn't feel that way

• Telling the gaslightee their situation isn't so bad or other people have it worse

• Telling the gaslightee they're too sensitive

• Telling the gaslightee they overthink things

• Telling the gaslightee they're wrong to think or feel a certain way

• Making excuses for their behavior. For instance, if gaslighter is caught in a lie, they tell the gaslightee that they lied to spare their feelings (see my article: Lies of Omission)

• Telling the gaslightee they're being too negative

• Giving the gaslightee the silent treatment, also known as stonewalling (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse)

Why Do People Unintentionally Gaslight?

Many unintentional gaslighters learned this behavior without even realizing it when they were growing up in dysfunctional families where they were criticized, abused or neglected and gaslighted as young children.  In those cases, unintentional gaslighting is an unconscious learned behavior.

The unconscious intention of gaslighting might be to feel in control, especially for people who grew up feeling they weren't in control.  

In addition, it's often a way to avoid being held accountable for their behavior, especially if they were traumatized for their behavior as young children in their family of origin.  

Gaslighters will often go to great lengths to avoid feeling bad the way they felt as children, and since they learned that being in control and dominating is one way to avoid those feelings, they want to dominate and control others and they fear being dominated and controlled by others.

Unintentional gaslighting often occurs with people who have an avoidant attachment style, especially when they're in a relationship where their partner wants to be more emotionally intimate with them and this makes them feel uncomfortable and too emotionally vulnerable.  

This situation is exacerbated if the partner has an anxious attachment style and worries about being abandoned by the other partner (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Part of unintentional gaslighter's maladaptive coping strategy can include dismissing their partner's need for emotional intimacy by calling the partner "needy" or criticizing them in some other way to ward off their own emotional discomfort and fear of emotional intimacy.

A Clinical Vignette About Unintentional Gaslighting in a Relationship

Since it's often hard to believe that gaslighting can be unintentional and based on unconscious learned behavior, the following clinical vignette, which is a fictionalized scenario based on many different cases, can help to demonstrate these dynamics and show how therapy can help:

Mike

Mike and Deb met when they were in their early 30s.  

After the initial stage of infatuation between Mike and Deb, Mike became increasingly uncomfortable with the emotional intimacy in their relationship as time went on.

Six months into their relationship, Mike felt Deb was encroaching too much on his personal time.  He was comfortable seeing her once a week, but she wanted to see him at least twice a week (see my article: Learning to Negotiate Time Apart and Time Together in a Relationship).

Every time Deb asked to see him a second day during the week, she was confronted with a barrage of criticism from Mike.  He told her she was "too needy" and she was "wrong" for wanting more time than he felt comfortable spending with her.

When Deb told Mike that hearing him call her too needy and wrong was hurtful, she was even more hurt to hear him say that she was being too sensitive and she just needed to "just get over it."

After one of their arguments about how much time they spent together, Mike told Deb that he couldn't see her because he wasn't feeling well.  Then he went out with his friends to a baseball game and didn't tell her.

During the game, Deb's friend, Tia, spotted Mike without his realizing it.  After Tia told Deb she saw Mike at the game, Deb realized that Mike lied to her and she was deeply hurt.  

When she confronted Mike about the lie, he didn't deny it, but he said he lied to her because he didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her he wanted to go the game instead of seeing her.  No matter what Deb said about it, Mike still felt justified in lying to Deb and he wouldn't take responsibility for it.

Due to Mike's gaslighting, Deb was beginning to feel she was either exaggerating or imagining things, so she spoke with a close friend, who explained gaslighting to Deb and told her that it's a real dynamic and Mike was using gaslighting with Deb.

A year into the relationship, Deb continued to feel gaslighted by Mike and she told him that unless he got help in therapy, she would leave him.  

Unintentional Gaslighting in a Relationship

At first, Mike was shocked.  No one had ever given him an ultimatum like this before.  His first inclination was to dismiss Deb's feelings, but he kept this to himself.  He really loved Deb and he wanted their relationship to work out, so he sought help in therapy.

During the initial stage of therapy, Mike told his therapist he didn't think he had a problem, but he was willing to give therapy a try to save his relationship.

His therapist learned from Mike that he was considered the "black sheep" in the family.  He was the youngest of five children in a family of high achievers.  

Both of his parents were successful in their careers and his siblings excelled in school and in their respective careers. Since he didn't do well in school, he became the family scapegoat (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

Mike got poor grades. He had problems with reading, reading comprehension and following basic instructions from the teacher.

When the guidance counselor contacted Mike's parents and asked if they would consent to having the school psychologist evaluate Mike, they responded with anger, defensiveness and indignity.  They felt the guidance counselor was blaming them for Mike's poor academic performance.  Mike's mother told the guidance counselor that Mike just needed to  "stop being lazy" and"try harder."  She refused to give permission for an evaluation and the school dropped the matter.

After Mike's parents got the call from school, they were even harsher than usual with Mike. They criticized him more and blamed him for not doing well in school.

When Mike got to high school, he was barely keeping up with the work.  He felt deeply ashamed of his academic performance and his shame also interfered with making friends at school.  

He felt like a complete failure and told his parents he was depressed.  Both parents brushed this off and told him that he had nothing to be depressed about.  They said all of his needs were being taken of, he should be grateful for this, and other children had it much worse than he did.

By the time he was 16, Mike told his parents that he felt so despondent and ashamed that he felt the only way out for him was to commit suicide.  His mother and father were so shaken up by this that they asked the school to evaluate him.  

The school evaluation revealed that Mike had significant learning disabilities which were never addressed and this was why he was having problems in school.  They developed an Individual Education Program (IEP) for him where he would get the academic help he needed.  They also diagnosed depression and assigned him to the school psychologist.

With the IEP, Mike's grades improved. He also began to feel more confident making friends and dating.  However, he didn't feel comfortable talking about his situation at home with the school psychologist so, even though he no longer felt suicidal, he continued to be the family scapegoat and he continued to feel depressed.

In his current therapy, Mike's therapist assessed that he was engaging in unintentional gaslighting in his relationship with Deb because he learned this behavior as a child.  In other words, this was how his parents treated him as a child, so the unintentional gaslighting was learned behavior and unconscious on his part. 

She also explained to Mike how he was traumatized by what happened to him as a child at home and at school.

Over time, Mike became more aware of his propensity to gaslight Deb. With practice, he was able to catch himself more often whenever he felt like dismissing or invalidating her feelings or her perspective.  At first, he didn't catch himself all the time, but he got better at it.

He and his therapist also did trauma therapy to help him overcome the underlying issues involved with his early childhood problems.  The work was neither quick nor easy, but Mike remained open to working on his childhood trauma and understanding how it affected his relationship with Deb (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

With Mike's consent, he and Deb had a couple of sessions together with his therapist so Deb could understand the issues involved and the trauma work Mike was doing in therapy.

Unintentional Gaslighting Can Get Worked Through

Two years later, Mike was able to overcome his childhood trauma and he no longer engaged in gaslighting Deb.  He was able to be more emotionally vulnerable with Deb and they eventually moved in together.  

Conclusion

There are two types of gaslighting: intentional and unintentional gaslighting.  

This article focused on unintentional gaslighting, the unconscious underlying issues, how it can manifest in relationships and how trauma therapy can help.

Without help in therapy, unintentional gaslighting often doesn't change.  But the good news is that if someone is willing to get help and do the work in therapy, they can free themselves of their traumatic history so they can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.