Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

Many couples don't agree about what constitutes cheating, which can lead to arguments and conflicts.

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

What Do You and Your Partner Consider Cheating?

Different types of relationships have different understandings about boundaries when it comes to what they consider cheating. 

In many relationships, people don't discuss what each of them believes is cheating until they encounter a situation which has the potential for conflict.

In consensual nonmonogamous relationships, couples often have a relationship agreement about what constitutes boundary violations when it comes to cheating. For instance, a couple might agree that when one of them travels out of town, they can have sex with other partners, but they can't have sex with others when they're in town (see my article: Nonmonogamy: Avoiding the Pitfalls of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell").

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

Their agreement might include how often they can have sex with a particular partner or what types of sex they can or can't have with others. 

Generally speaking, most people consider cheating to be behavior that violates the agreed-upon boundaries of a monogamous relationship including romantic and/or sexual behavior. 

This can include physical and emotional infidelity in person or online (see my article: Are You Having an Emotional Affair?).

Here are some examples of cheating that couples often talk about in couples therapy and sex therapy:

• Physical Cheating: This includes sexual acts outside the relationship that a couple hasn't agreed to as part of their relationship agreement (see my article: The Benefits of Having a Relationship Agreement).

• Emotional Cheating: This often involves a deep emotional connection with someone outside the relationship without the partner's consent: Sharing thoughts and emotions, confiding problems or relying on emotional support that would usually be reserved for a partner.

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

• Sexting or Online Affairs: Sending sexts or having online affairs with someone other than a partner.

• Flirting: Many people consider flirting, even casual flirting, outside the relationship to be cheating.

• Watching Porn: Many people would consider watching porn to be a form of cheating, especially if a partner lies about it. This often reflects deeper problems in the relationship (see my article: What is Ethical Porn?).

How to Establish Clear Boundaries About Cheating in Your Relationship

• Negotiate and Establish Clear Agreed-upon Boundaries About Cheating: This is essential in any relationship, especially since you and your partner might not agree about what type of behavior constitutes cheating (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Have Open and Honest Communication About Cheating: Open and honest communication can help to avoid problems in the long run about different ideas about cheating and how they define cheating (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

• Get Help in Couples Therapy or Sex Therapy: If you and your partner are unable to communicate openly without getting into conflicts, you could benefit from working with a skilled couples or sex therapist. An experience couples/sex therapist can help you to negotiate your differences so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Your Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Do People in Relationships Keep Secrets From Each Other?

In a prior article, I discussed the difference between privacy and secrecy in a relationship (see my article: Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship).

What's the Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Secrets in a Relationship?

Aside from maintaining your own privacy in a healthy way, there can be other healthy reasons for maintaining certain secrets.

Discovering Secrets in a Relationship

Healthy Secrets

An example of a healthy secret would be a surprise. For instance, if one of the partners is planning to propose, they would probably want to surprise and delight their partner by taking them to their favorite restaurant and proposing with an engagement ring.

Similarly, one of the partners might want to surprise the other with a gift, a birthday party or a much desired vacation.

In both cases, these secrets were temporary and would add to the partner's pleasure.

Unhealthy Secrets

Unhealthy secrets include but are not limited to:

• Hiding Deceitful Behavior: Using a secret to hide deceit; manipulation; betrayal, lying, including lies of omission, often leads to mistrust and can ruin a relationship.  An example of this would be infidelity, including emotional infidelity.

• Hiding Serious Issues: Hiding serious issues, like serious medical problems; financial issues, including financial infidelity; an addiction, among other issues, can weaken or destroy a relationship. 

Why Do People in Relationships Keep Secrets From Their Partner?

There can be many reasons why people keep secrets from their partner, including:

• Maintaining Power and Control: The partner who is keeping a secret to maintain power and control over their partner is engaging in an unhealthy dynamic. Maintaining this dynamic can lead to a decrease in emotional intimacy, emotional distancing, resentment and the potential demise of the relationship.

• Feeling Shame and Guilt: Someone who feels ashamed or guilty about something they did will often keep it a secret because they fear their partner will reject or leave them.

• Feeling Fear of Criticism and Judgment: Even if a partner doesn't leave, they might be critical or judgmental about what their partner did, so the partner keeps it a secret so they don't have to deal with the criticism or judgment.

Keeping a Secret Due to Fear of Criticism

• Avoidance: Related to the above, someone might want to tell their partner about their secret, but they fear how their partner might react, so they procrastinate. The procrastination might be short term or it can be indefinite.

• Experiencing Lack of Trust in the Partner: When someone doesn't trust their partner, they might not want to be vulnerable by revealing what they did, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Communication Skills: Someone who doesn't have good communication skills might not know how to reveal something negative to their partner, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Interpersonal Skills: Someone who has poor interpersonal skills might not know how to approach their partner about something they did, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Relationship Skills: Similar to poor interpersonal skills, someone who has poor relationship skills might not understand the importance of being open and honest with their partner. In many cases, they grew up in a household where good relationship skills weren't modeled for them, so they never developed these skills. There might also have been toxic family secrets.

• Not Wanting to Be Accountable to a Partner: Similar to poor relationship skills, someone might not want to be held accountable by their partner for their actions.

• Being Selfish/Self Centered: Someone who is self centered and selfish might only think of themself and not how their secret might affect their partner.

• Wanting Revenge Against Their Partner/Payback: If someone is angry about something their partner did, they might intentionally keep a secret as a way of getting back. This often happens with infidelity where one partner finds out the other partner cheated and the first partner cheats too as a form of revenge--even though they keep the infidelity a secret.

• Wanting to Be the Betraying Partner After Having Been the Betrayed Partner in a  Current or Prior Relationship: When someone was betrayed in a prior relationship, they might want to gain power in the next relationship by being the betraying partner.

How Can Secrets Ruin a Relationship?

• Secrets Are Stressful: Keeping a secret often involves a lot mental and emotional energy on the secret keeper's part, which creates stress.  The partner who is keeping the secret might also feel stressed because they fear their partner will find out their secret. If someone is keeping a secret from their partner, they might are not be open and honest about other issues in the relationship.  

Secrets Are Stressful

• Secrets Create Mistrust and Resentment: When someone finds out their partner is keeping a secret, they can feel mistrustful of their partner as well as hurt and resentful. 

• Secrets Hurt Both Partners: Keeping a secret hurts both people. The secret becomes burdensome for the secret keeper. Snt,ecrets also create emotional distance between the two partners, which can result in loneliness for both people (see my article: Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship?).

Getting Help in Therapy

Whether you're the secret keeper or you're in a relationship where you have discovered your partner has been keeping a secret, you don't have to struggle alone. You could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional (see my article: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're the one who is keeping a secret, being able to let go of a burdensome secret can free you from guilt and shame.  You can also work with a skilled therapist to how you want to deal with the issue.

If you're the one who has discovered a secret, you might feel overwhelmed with emotions that a licensed mental health professional can help you to work through.

Couples therapy can help you to work through a betrayal and strengthen your relationship, if you choose to stay together, or end your relationship in an amicable way, if you choose to end the relationship, so you don't bring issues from the current relationship to the next relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Unintentional Gaslighting in a Relationship

The focus of this article is unintentional gaslighting in a relationship, which is different from intentional gaslighting.

If you haven't read my prior articles about intentional gaslighting, I suggest you read those articles first to understand the basic concepts of gaslighting (see my articles: Are You Being Gaslighted? and What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship?).

Unintentional Gaslight in a Relationship

Intentional gaslighting is a form of malicious manipulation which is emotionally and psychologically abusive.  The goal of the gaslighter is to undermine the gaslightee's self confidence and make them feel insecure and anxious so they're easier to manipulate.

Understanding Unintentional Gaslight

Before delving into unintentional gaslighting, I want to emphasize that even when gaslighting is unintentional, it's still gaslighting and the gaslighter is still attempting to manipulate and gain control in the relationship--even if it's unconscious and they're unaware of it.  

The destructive consequences of gaslighting, whether intentional or not, are usually the same for the person being gaslighted.  

If the gaslighter is successful in gaslighting, the gaslightee's thoughts, feelings, beliefs and perceptions are invalidated by the gaslighter (see my article: How to Develop and Use Emotional Validation in a Relationship).

Examples of Unintentional Gaslighting

The following list are just a few examples of unintentional and often unconscious gaslighting:

• Telling the gaslightee the problems are all in their mind when it's clearly not

• Responding to the gaslightee who says they are hurt by the gaslighting by saying the gaslightee really doesn't feel that way

• Telling the gaslightee their situation isn't so bad or other people have it worse

• Telling the gaslightee they're too sensitive

• Telling the gaslightee they overthink things

• Telling the gaslightee they're wrong to think or feel a certain way

• Making excuses for their behavior. For instance, if gaslighter is caught in a lie, they tell the gaslightee that they lied to spare their feelings (see my article: Lies of Omission)

• Telling the gaslightee they're being too negative

• Giving the gaslightee the silent treatment, also known as stonewalling (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse)

Why Do People Unintentionally Gaslight?

Many unintentional gaslighters learned this behavior without even realizing it when they were growing up in dysfunctional families where they were criticized, abused or neglected and gaslighted as young children.  In those cases, unintentional gaslighting is an unconscious learned behavior.

The unconscious intention of gaslighting might be to feel in control, especially for people who grew up feeling they weren't in control.  

In addition, it's often a way to avoid being held accountable for their behavior, especially if they were traumatized for their behavior as young children in their family of origin.  

Gaslighters will often go to great lengths to avoid feeling bad the way they felt as children, and since they learned that being in control and dominating is one way to avoid those feelings, they want to dominate and control others and they fear being dominated and controlled by others.

Unintentional gaslighting often occurs with people who have an avoidant attachment style, especially when they're in a relationship where their partner wants to be more emotionally intimate with them and this makes them feel uncomfortable and too emotionally vulnerable.  

This situation is exacerbated if the partner has an anxious attachment style and worries about being abandoned by the other partner (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Part of unintentional gaslighter's maladaptive coping strategy can include dismissing their partner's need for emotional intimacy by calling the partner "needy" or criticizing them in some other way to ward off their own emotional discomfort and fear of emotional intimacy.

A Clinical Vignette About Unintentional Gaslighting in a Relationship

Since it's often hard to believe that gaslighting can be unintentional and based on unconscious learned behavior, the following clinical vignette, which is a fictionalized scenario based on many different cases, can help to demonstrate these dynamics and show how therapy can help:

Mike

Mike and Deb met when they were in their early 30s.  

After the initial stage of infatuation between Mike and Deb, Mike became increasingly uncomfortable with the emotional intimacy in their relationship as time went on.

Six months into their relationship, Mike felt Deb was encroaching too much on his personal time.  He was comfortable seeing her once a week, but she wanted to see him at least twice a week (see my article: Learning to Negotiate Time Apart and Time Together in a Relationship).

Every time Deb asked to see him a second day during the week, she was confronted with a barrage of criticism from Mike.  He told her she was "too needy" and she was "wrong" for wanting more time than he felt comfortable spending with her.

When Deb told Mike that hearing him call her too needy and wrong was hurtful, she was even more hurt to hear him say that she was being too sensitive and she just needed to "just get over it."

After one of their arguments about how much time they spent together, Mike told Deb that he couldn't see her because he wasn't feeling well.  Then he went out with his friends to a baseball game and didn't tell her.

During the game, Deb's friend, Tia, spotted Mike without his realizing it.  After Tia told Deb she saw Mike at the game, Deb realized that Mike lied to her and she was deeply hurt.  

When she confronted Mike about the lie, he didn't deny it, but he said he lied to her because he didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her he wanted to go the game instead of seeing her.  No matter what Deb said about it, Mike still felt justified in lying to Deb and he wouldn't take responsibility for it.

Due to Mike's gaslighting, Deb was beginning to feel she was either exaggerating or imagining things, so she spoke with a close friend, who explained gaslighting to Deb and told her that it's a real dynamic and Mike was using gaslighting with Deb.

A year into the relationship, Deb continued to feel gaslighted by Mike and she told him that unless he got help in therapy, she would leave him.  

Unintentional Gaslighting in a Relationship

At first, Mike was shocked.  No one had ever given him an ultimatum like this before.  His first inclination was to dismiss Deb's feelings, but he kept this to himself.  He really loved Deb and he wanted their relationship to work out, so he sought help in therapy.

During the initial stage of therapy, Mike told his therapist he didn't think he had a problem, but he was willing to give therapy a try to save his relationship.

His therapist learned from Mike that he was considered the "black sheep" in the family.  He was the youngest of five children in a family of high achievers.  

Both of his parents were successful in their careers and his siblings excelled in school and in their respective careers. Since he didn't do well in school, he became the family scapegoat (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

Mike got poor grades. He had problems with reading, reading comprehension and following basic instructions from the teacher.

When the guidance counselor contacted Mike's parents and asked if they would consent to having the school psychologist evaluate Mike, they responded with anger, defensiveness and indignity.  They felt the guidance counselor was blaming them for Mike's poor academic performance.  Mike's mother told the guidance counselor that Mike just needed to  "stop being lazy" and"try harder."  She refused to give permission for an evaluation and the school dropped the matter.

After Mike's parents got the call from school, they were even harsher than usual with Mike. They criticized him more and blamed him for not doing well in school.

When Mike got to high school, he was barely keeping up with the work.  He felt deeply ashamed of his academic performance and his shame also interfered with making friends at school.  

He felt like a complete failure and told his parents he was depressed.  Both parents brushed this off and told him that he had nothing to be depressed about.  They said all of his needs were being taken of, he should be grateful for this, and other children had it much worse than he did.

By the time he was 16, Mike told his parents that he felt so despondent and ashamed that he felt the only way out for him was to commit suicide.  His mother and father were so shaken up by this that they asked the school to evaluate him.  

The school evaluation revealed that Mike had significant learning disabilities which were never addressed and this was why he was having problems in school.  They developed an Individual Education Program (IEP) for him where he would get the academic help he needed.  They also diagnosed depression and assigned him to the school psychologist.

With the IEP, Mike's grades improved. He also began to feel more confident making friends and dating.  However, he didn't feel comfortable talking about his situation at home with the school psychologist so, even though he no longer felt suicidal, he continued to be the family scapegoat and he continued to feel depressed.

In his current therapy, Mike's therapist assessed that he was engaging in unintentional gaslighting in his relationship with Deb because he learned this behavior as a child.  In other words, this was how his parents treated him as a child, so the unintentional gaslighting was learned behavior and unconscious on his part. 

She also explained to Mike how he was traumatized by what happened to him as a child at home and at school.

Over time, Mike became more aware of his propensity to gaslight Deb. With practice, he was able to catch himself more often whenever he felt like dismissing or invalidating her feelings or her perspective.  At first, he didn't catch himself all the time, but he got better at it.

He and his therapist also did trauma therapy to help him overcome the underlying issues involved with his early childhood problems.  The work was neither quick nor easy, but Mike remained open to working on his childhood trauma and understanding how it affected his relationship with Deb (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

With Mike's consent, he and Deb had a couple of sessions together with his therapist so Deb could understand the issues involved and the trauma work Mike was doing in therapy.

Unintentional Gaslighting Can Get Worked Through

Two years later, Mike was able to overcome his childhood trauma and he no longer engaged in gaslighting Deb.  He was able to be more emotionally vulnerable with Deb and they eventually moved in together.  

Conclusion

There are two types of gaslighting: intentional and unintentional gaslighting.  

This article focused on unintentional gaslighting, the unconscious underlying issues, how it can manifest in relationships and how trauma therapy can help.

Without help in therapy, unintentional gaslighting often doesn't change.  But the good news is that if someone is willing to get help and do the work in therapy, they can free themselves of their traumatic history so they can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

 

What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. Gaslighters emotionally manipulate and exploit others to undermine them and get them to doubt their own perceptions, experiences and understanding of events (see my article: Are You Being Gaslighted?).

What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a power dynamic which can be used as a tactic in romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships, work situations or any situation where two people are interacting together.  

In this article, I'm focusing on the stages of gaslighting and the importance of getting help in therapy if this dynamic doesn't change.

The goal of the gaslighter is to make the gaslightee feel insecure and anxious so the gaslightee is more easily dominated and manipulated.

Gaslighting is often found in codependent relationships because the gaslightee is overly dependent emotionally and psychologically. This makes the gaslightee easier to manipulate (see my article: Bait and Switch as a Form of Manipulation).

Gaslighting often gets worse over time if steps are not taken to either change the dynamic or get out of this destructive dynamic.

What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting?

Here are the usual seven stages of gaslighting:

• Lie and Exaggerate:  The gaslighter uses false presumptions and accusations to create a negative perception of the gaslightee. The objective is to put the gaslightee on the defensive by denying the gaslightee's reality: "Your contribution to our marriage is nothing compared to mine. I work at a stressful job so we can pay our bills. All you do is stay home and watch the kids."

Gaslighting is a Form of Emotional Abuse

• Repetition: The gaslighter continues to repeat the same accusations to stay on the offensive, control the relationship dynamics and dominate the gaslightee.  This is similar to psychological warfare in that the more the accusations are repeated over time, the more likely the gaslightee will believe them. 

• Double Down on Accusations When Challenged: When the gaslighter is called on their manipulation, they often double and triple down on their accusations. They use more lies, denial, blame, deflection and other manipulative tactics to create doubt, anxiety and insecurity in the partner. The gaslighter might say to the gaslightee, "You're too sensitive" or "You're so dramatic."  They can also: 

• Question the gaslightee's memory about situations
• Trivialize the gaslightee's concerns
• Counter against what the gaslightee says by lying and making up details
• Brush off the gaslightee's concerns
• Divert the gaslightee's attention by changing the subject
• Discredit the gaslightee to family members, friends and other mutual acquaintances by portraying the gaslightee as confused, having a bad memory or being the source of the problem in the relationship.

• Wear Out the Gaslightee: The gaslighter attempts to wear out the gaslightee by constantly remaining on the offensive. The gaslightee often becomes more anxious, pessimistic, fearful and self doubting, which makes them even easier to manipulate. Gaslightees will question their own perceptions and this is how the gaslighter continues to dominate the relationship.

Gaslighting is a Form of Emotional Abuse

• Give False Hope to the Gaslightee: Another manipulation tactic is when the gaslighter will occasionally treat the gaslightee better temporarily. They might be milder in their criticism or express superficial remorse to give the gaslightee false hope.  They might tell their partner that they're now "ready to change" or attend couples therapy or "start over," but this is usually a tactic to get the partner to become complacent and let down their guard.  At that point, the gaslightee might think, "Our relationship really isn't as bad as I thought because my partner is willing to work on our relationship" or "My partner finally understands and he's willing to change." But this tactic is a way to temporarily appease the gaslightee to give false hope.  The goal is to temporarily back off to eventually regain power in the situation during the next phase of gaslighting. 

• Dominate and Control: The ultimate goal of gaslighting is to dominate and control the relationship so the gaslighter can manipulate and take advantage of the gaslightee on an ongoing basis.

How to Deal With Gaslighting

• Recognize the Signs of Gaslighting During the Early Stage:  By recognizing the early warning signs and identifying the problem right away, you can let your partner know that you're not going to put up with this manipulation.  

• Don't Get Into Arguments With the Gaslighter: Gaslighters are usually experts when it comes to arguing, so don't get in arguments with them. They're good at rationalizing, deflecting, twisting your words and using other manipulative tactics, so don't go down that rabbit hole or you'll find yourself on the defensive and exhausted.

• Maintain Your Individual Identity: If you maintain your individual identity and don't form a codependent relationship with the gaslighter, you're less likely to allow the gaslighter to break you down. This means maintaining your sense of self, your individual interests and relationships with supportive friends and family members (see my article: Growing as an Individual While in a Relationship).

• Stay Calm and Grounded: Find ways to stay emotionally balanced and grounded. This could mean that you have a regular practice of meditation, exercise, yoga, maintaining a journal that focuses on yourself (instead of a list of complaints about your partner) or other ways to stay calm and grounded.  When you're calm and grounded, you're less likely to take the gaslighter's bate and get caught up in a spiral of manipulation (see my article: Developing Your Inner Sense of Being Grounded and Calm and Reclaiming the Power of Your Inner Voice).

Staying Calm and Grounded

• Be Assertive and Set Boundaries With Your Partner: Let your partner know that you're not going to put up with this behavior.  Your partner might try to use other tactics to manipulate.  If your partner doesn't respect your boundaries and still tries to manipulate you, stay calm and disengage. You can call a time-out, go for a walk, listen to music or find other ways to disengage from the gaslighter's attempts to dominate you (see my article: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Recognize You Can Only Control Your Own Behavior: In the heat of the moment, it's easy to try to control your partner's behavior, especially in a gaslighting situation. But this usually energizes the gaslighter because they're especially good at manipulating in these situations and pointing out how you're trying to control them without acknowledging that they're trying to control you. So, it's better to focus on yourself and your own behavior instead of trying to control their behavior.  

• Rebuild Your Self Confidence: Find ways to revitalize yourself and find joy and peace of mind. Recognize things that you're good at doing.  If you have given up hobbies you used to love, reengage with these hobbies. Keep a journal to focus on your strengths and find other ways to affirm your self confidence (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills and Focusing on Your Personal Strengths).

Rebuild Your Self Confidence

• Practice Self Compassion: Be compassionate towards yourself if you're struggling with gaslighting. Give yourself the same compassion you would give a good friend in the same situation (see my article: Developing Self Compassion).

• Make a Decision as to Whether You Want to Stay or Get Out of the Relationship: If the gaslighting continues and it's eroding your self esteem, make a decision as to whether you want to stay or get out. No one can make this decision for you. Many people who experience gaslighting leave abruptly and then return to a destructive relationship because they haven't taken the time to think about what they want and plan what they want to do (see my article: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).

Getting Help in Therapy

• Get Help in Therapy: If you're in a relationship where your partner is gaslighting you and they're unwilling to change, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. A skilled psychotherapist can help you to regain your sense of self so you can heal from the damaging effects of gaslighting.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.