Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

Many couples don't agree about what constitutes cheating, which can lead to arguments and conflicts.

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

What Do You and Your Partner Consider Cheating?

Different types of relationships have different understandings about boundaries when it comes to what they consider cheating. 

In many relationships, people don't discuss what each of them believes is cheating until they encounter a situation which has the potential for conflict.

In consensual nonmonogamous relationships, couples often have a relationship agreement about what constitutes boundary violations when it comes to cheating. For instance, a couple might agree that when one of them travels out of town, they can have sex with other partners, but they can't have sex with others when they're in town (see my article: Nonmonogamy: Avoiding the Pitfalls of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell").

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

Their agreement might include how often they can have sex with a particular partner or what types of sex they can or can't have with others. 

Generally speaking, most people consider cheating to be behavior that violates the agreed-upon boundaries of a monogamous relationship including romantic and/or sexual behavior. 

This can include physical and emotional infidelity in person or online (see my article: Are You Having an Emotional Affair?).

Here are some examples of cheating that couples often talk about in couples therapy and sex therapy:

• Physical Cheating: This includes sexual acts outside the relationship that a couple hasn't agreed to as part of their relationship agreement (see my article: The Benefits of Having a Relationship Agreement).

• Emotional Cheating: This often involves a deep emotional connection with someone outside the relationship without the partner's consent: Sharing thoughts and emotions, confiding problems or relying on emotional support that would usually be reserved for a partner.

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

• Sexting or Online Affairs: Sending sexts or having online affairs with someone other than a partner.

• Flirting: Many people consider flirting, even casual flirting, outside the relationship to be cheating.

• Watching Porn: Many people would consider watching porn to be a form of cheating, especially if a partner lies about it. This often reflects deeper problems in the relationship (see my article: What is Ethical Porn?).

How to Establish Clear Boundaries About Cheating in Your Relationship

• Negotiate and Establish Clear Agreed-upon Boundaries About Cheating: This is essential in any relationship, especially since you and your partner might not agree about what type of behavior constitutes cheating (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Have Open and Honest Communication About Cheating: Open and honest communication can help to avoid problems in the long run about different ideas about cheating and how they define cheating (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

• Get Help in Couples Therapy or Sex Therapy: If you and your partner are unable to communicate openly without getting into conflicts, you could benefit from working with a skilled couples or sex therapist. An experience couples/sex therapist can help you to negotiate your differences so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Your Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.