Relationships: Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

There is a big difference between complaining to your partner and expressing what you want in a healthy way (see my article: Do You and Your Partner Understand Each Other's Needs?).

Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

According to relationship and sex therapist, Esther Perel, whereas complaining is based on fear and focuses on a negative outcome, expressing what you want is a vulnerable act based on trust and courage. Expressing what you want also offers you and your partner a path forward. 

Complaining Tends to Look Backward

• Behind Complaints and Criticism is Often a Veiled Wish: Underneath criticism and complaints there is usually a veiled wish for an unmet need. It's often difficult for a partner to understand criticism and complaints in terms of these veiled wishes. An example of an unmet need in the form of a complaint would be "You haven't touched me in ages" which reflects an underlying wish for what's missing in the relationship. 

• Criticism Focuses on Blame: Criticism and complaints tend to focus on a partner's perceived mistakes or unwanted behavior. This can create a negative cycle of blaming, more unwanted behavior and more unmet needs (see my article: Moving Beyond the Blame Game).

Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

• Complaining is Self Protective: Many individuals find it less emotionally risky to complain and criticize rather than being emotionally vulnerable by saying what they want (see my article: A Fear of Intimacy Can Lead in Fault Finding in Relationships).

• Complaining Tends to Have Negative Results: Rather than getting needs met, criticism tends to get a partner defensive. This creates a negative cycle where each partner feels their emotional needs are unmet (see my article: Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Expressing Your Wish Tends to Look Forward

• Expressing Your Wish is a Vulnerable Act and an Invitation: Instead of complaining, when you express what your desire, it's an invitation to your partner instead of an accusation.

• Expressing Your Wish Provides a Clear and Positive Direction For Action: Rather than criticizing, expressing your wish provides a clear message for your partner to take action. So, instead of saying "You haven't touched me in ages", you could say, "I love when you touch me and I wish you would touch me more often." 

Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

• Expressing Your Desires Can Increase Emotional Intimacy: Sharing your desires can lead to deeper emotional intimacy which, in turn, can lead to increased sexual intimacy.

• Expressing Your Desires Allows You to Own Your Wanting: Instead of blaming your partner, when you express your desires, you take responsibility for your wants and needs, which can be personally empowering. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Tom and Sue

When Tom and Sue sought help in couples therapy, they were barely speaking to one another.  

Sue's main complaint was that Tom hardly paid any attention to her. She told the couples therapist she had complained to Tom numerous times that the only time he paid any attention to her was when he wanted to have sex. This made her feel angry and resentful so that she almost never wanted to have sex with him, "I've told him so many times that I don't know what's wrong with him because he hardly ever looks at me these days. Aside from wanting sex, he's never affectionate with me."

Tom's main complaint was that he felt badgered by Sue. He felt she was always pointing out things she didn't like, which hurt his feelings and made him feel like distancing himself from her, "When I try to get close to her, she assumes I only want sex, but sometimes I want to be affectionate. It's true that sometimes, in order to feel affectionate, I want to be sexual. What's wrong with that? All of her complaining makes me feel like I can't do anything right. Then, I just want to be alone" (see my article: Whereas Many Women Need an Emotional Connection to Feel Sexual Desire, Many Men Need a Sexual Connection to Connect Emotionally).

Their work in couples therapy included looking at each of their family histories (see my article: Why is Family History Important in Therapy?).

Sue grew up in a household where her parents were emotionally distant from each other. Her mother would sit at the kitchen table and complain to Sue about Sue's father--about all his flaws and shortcomings. Then, her mother would say, "Men are useless. All they care about is sex and having their food served to them." Sue's father was often away on business trips and when he was home, he spent most of his time in his home office.

Tom's parents divorced when he was two years old so he had no memories of them being together.  He longed to spend time with his father, who lived nearby, but he would often go months without seeing him when his mother stopped visits due to the father's missed child support payments. When he did spend time with his father, his father would tell Tom, "Be careful with women. After you get married, they turn into complaining drudges. Whatever you do, don't get married."

So, neither Sue nor Tom had positive role models of a healthy marriage during their formative years and they both realized this had an impact on them as children and as adults in their marriage.

Their couples therapist helped them to distinguish between expressing a want versus complaining or criticizing. She encourage them to practice asking for what they wanted instead of complaining or criticizing. 

At first, both Tom and Sue felt too vulnerable to express their desires. They each feared the other would reject them.

After much encouragement in couples therapy sessions, Sue decided to express what she wanted in a positive way. Instead of criticizing Tom, Sue asked Tom to show more affection, "This is harder than I thought it would be. I'm afraid you'll turn me down. But, okay, here it goes: Tom, I like it when you're affectionate with me. I like when you touch me, play with my hair and kiss me."

Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

Even though Tom had been emotionally distant, when he heard the vulnerability in Sue's voice, he softened and reach for her hand. At first, she seemed surprised, but then Sue held Tom's hand and squeezed it as a sign that she loved him.

Over time, Tom and Sue learned how to express their desires in a healthy way which brought them closer together.  As they became closer emotinally, their sex life also improved.

Conclusion

Behind complaints and criticism often lies an unmet need.

Complaining vs Expressing What You Want

Your parents' relationship can become a template for your adult relationships--for better or for worse.

Expressing an emotional need directly to a partner, as opposed to complaining and criticizing, can feel emotionally vulnerable at first. But, over time, you and your partner can learn to trust and open up to each other.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to overcome the challenges in your relationship so you can have a more fulfilling life together.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT couples therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.