Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

Many couples don't agree about what constitutes cheating, which can lead to arguments and conflicts.

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

What Do You and Your Partner Consider Cheating?

Different types of relationships have different understandings about boundaries when it comes to what they consider cheating. 

In many relationships, people don't discuss what each of them believes is cheating until they encounter a situation which has the potential for conflict.

In consensual nonmonogamous relationships, couples often have a relationship agreement about what constitutes boundary violations when it comes to cheating. For instance, a couple might agree that when one of them travels out of town, they can have sex with other partners, but they can't have sex with others when they're in town (see my article: Nonmonogamy: Avoiding the Pitfalls of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell").

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

Their agreement might include how often they can have sex with a particular partner or what types of sex they can or can't have with others. 

Generally speaking, most people consider cheating to be behavior that violates the agreed-upon boundaries of a monogamous relationship including romantic and/or sexual behavior. 

This can include physical and emotional infidelity in person or online (see my article: Are You Having an Emotional Affair?).

Here are some examples of cheating that couples often talk about in couples therapy and sex therapy:

• Physical Cheating: This includes sexual acts outside the relationship that a couple hasn't agreed to as part of their relationship agreement (see my article: The Benefits of Having a Relationship Agreement).

• Emotional Cheating: This often involves a deep emotional connection with someone outside the relationship without the partner's consent: Sharing thoughts and emotions, confiding problems or relying on emotional support that would usually be reserved for a partner.

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

• Sexting or Online Affairs: Sending sexts or having online affairs with someone other than a partner.

• Flirting: Many people consider flirting, even casual flirting, outside the relationship to be cheating.

• Watching Porn: Many people would consider watching porn to be a form of cheating, especially if a partner lies about it. This often reflects deeper problems in the relationship (see my article: What is Ethical Porn?).

How to Establish Clear Boundaries About Cheating in Your Relationship

• Negotiate and Establish Clear Agreed-upon Boundaries About Cheating: This is essential in any relationship, especially since you and your partner might not agree about what type of behavior constitutes cheating (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Have Open and Honest Communication About Cheating: Open and honest communication can help to avoid problems in the long run about different ideas about cheating and how they define cheating (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

• Get Help in Couples Therapy or Sex Therapy: If you and your partner are unable to communicate openly without getting into conflicts, you could benefit from working with a skilled couples or sex therapist. An experience couples/sex therapist can help you to negotiate your differences so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Your Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Rebuilding Relationships After Infidelity

I introduced the topic of infidelity in my prior article, Common Relationship Problems After Infidelity by using two composite vignettes. 

Rebuilding Relationships After Infidelity

In the current article, I'll continue to focus on these two vignettes and show how couples sex therapy can help.

Clinical Vignettes

The following composite vignettes were discussed in my prior article:

Maria and Sal: A Relationship With a Monogamous Agreement

Recap From the Prior Article: 

Maria found out that Sal was cheating on her with another woman after she found his sext messages. Initially, Sal denied he was cheating but, eventually, he admitted it but he said the other woman "meant nothing" to him.  But he agreed to stop seeing the other woman. Both of them agreed to put the matter behind them and "move on." After that, their sex life became much more passionate than it had been in years, but that only lasted a short time. And, despite their agreement to "move on", Maria became highly suspicious of Sal's behavior and even his thoughts.  As a result, they stopped having sex altogether and they didn't know how to repair their relationship.

Rebuilding Relationships After Infidelity

Couples/Sex Therapy for Maria and Sal:

When they couldn't repair their relationship on their own, they sought help in couples sex therapy (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples and What is Sex Therapy?).

The couples sex therapist told them that a lot of couples want to avoid the difficult stage of repairing their relationship so they decide to "move on" to avoid difficult emotions. She told them this is a common mistake and to achieve a lasting reconciliation, they couldn't avoid dealing with their emotions.

During couples sex therapy Maria learned how to communicate her hurt and pain and Sal learned how to respond in an empathetic way and to express his genuine remorse. The therapist normalized that, even with couples who want to stay together, their relationship doesn't improve overnight. 

Maria admitted that, after she found out Sal was cheating, she wanted to prove to Sal and to herself that she could be just as sexy and passionate as she imagined the other woman had been. But this stage didn't last long because her anger, resentment and suspicion grew and she felt even more resentful when she thought that Sal might think "everything was okay" just because she was having sex with him.

The therapist also told Sal that, if he wanted Maria to forgive him (and not just brush their problems under the rug), he needed to understand her upset and be accountable to her--even if the reconciliation didn't happen as quickly as he would like. 

They worked on improving communication and rebuilding trust, which was especially difficult for Maria because she realized, once she allowed herself to feel the emotions she had been suppressing, she was hurt and angry (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After Infidelity).

Over time, they both realized that, even though Sal sought Maria's forgiveness and Maria wanted to forgive him, forgiveness isn't a one-and-done process--it comes in stages from surface to depth (see my article: Stages of Forgiveness).

As Maria healed emotionally and began to rebuild trust in Sal, she was open to trying to have sex with him again. At first, there were times during sex when she thought about Sal being with the other woman and she became so upset that she had to stop.

Over time, Maria and Sal accepted that, due to the betrayal, they wouldn't be able to "go back" to the same relationship they had before. They realized they needed to mourn the relationship they had before and develop the next phase of their new relationship. Along the way, there were setbacks, but they continued to make progress (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy While You're on the Road to Healing).

Bob and John: A Relationship With a Consensual Nonmonogamous Agreement

Recap from the Prior Article:

Bob and John were in a long term consensually nonmonogamous relationship when Bob found out that John had gone against their agreement by getting emotionally involved with another man (their agreement was that they could have casual sex with other people but not see them more than once to avoid forming emotional ties). John admitted he broke their agreement. He told Bob he never meant to hurt him. He also told him that he wanted to remain in their relationship, but he also wanted to continue to see the other man.  Bob was so hurt that, even though he didn't want to end his relationship with John, he knew it would be excruciating for him if John continued to be emotionally involved with the other man. So, he distanced himself emotionally and sexually from John. Both of them felt stuck and they didn't know what to do.

Rebuilding Relationships After Infidelity

Couples Sex Therapy for Bob and John:

Since they were at an impasse, they decided to seek help from a couples sex therapist.

As John took responsibility for cheating, he realized that he would need to make a painful decision after Bob gave him an ultimatum: Either John would choose to work on their relationship or, if John wanted to continue to see the other man, they would breakup.  

After considering Bob's ultimatum, John chose to work on their relationship and he ended his relationship with the other man. He said he realized he didn't want to lose Bob and that their relationship was the most important relationship in his life.

Similar to Maria and Sal, they had to go through many of the same steps to try to repair their relationship--improving communication and rebuilding trust.

During the early stage of couples sex therapy, they agreed not to see other people until they repaired their relationship. Bob was also fearful that, if they did open their relationship again to have casual sex with others, he wouldn't be able to trust John.

Bob and John worked hard in therapy to rebuild their relationship over time. Gradually, Bob believed John had a deep sense of remorse for his betrayal. John also admitted he had been selfish to cheat on Bob.

The first few times they tried to have sex, Bob got distracted with thoughts about John being with the other man. During those times, Bob had to stop and he turned away from John. He couldn't help feeling insecure in terms of what the other man's body looked like compared to him.  

They were able to talk about it in their couples sex therapy and, over time, John learned to stay focused on remaining emotionally and sexually engaged with John instead of focusing on thoughts about John being with the other man.

When they had rebuilt their trust, which took time, they talked about their consensual nonmonogamous agreement in light of John's cheating and reiterated that they would only have casual sex with others and refrain from having sex with the same partner more than once to avoid developing emotional attachments.

Conclusion

Infidelity can occur in any type of relationship--regardless of whether you and your partner have agreed to be in a monogamous or consensual nonmonogamous relationship.  

If the partners decide to remain together, they need to go through the repair process without skipping or avoiding steps.

Couples sex therapy can help people in relationships to heal and develop the next phase of their relationship.

Getting Help in Couples/Sex Therapy

Couples sex therapy is therapy for people in a relationship where they're having emotional and sexual problems--whether it's about infidelity, differences in libido, communication problems or other relational and/or sexual problems.

Getting Help in Couples/Sex Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a dynamic that isn't working, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise with the problem you're having.

The best chance for success in couples sex therapy involves seeking help sooner rather than  later.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship

In my previous article, What Are the Telltale Signs of Serial Cheaters?, I focused on the signs that identify people who cheat over and over again.  The prior article was intended mostly for people who are in a relationship with someone who has a pattern of cheating.

The current article is intended for people who are cheating on their partners and who want to stop (see my articles: Coping With Infidelity).

What is Cheating?

Cheating, which is also known as infidelity, is a form of betrayal.  

How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship

Cheating occurs when someone in a monogamous relationship has an emotional affair and/or a sexual affair with someone else without their partner's consent.

Unfortunately, cheating is common.  Research surveys have identified approximately 1 in 5 people who admit cheating--and those are only the people who admit to cheating, so that number might actually be much higher.

The definition of cheating is highly subjective.  Two people in a relationship might have completely different ideas about what cheating would be, and people often don't find out until one of them calls the other out for cheating.  

The list below includes activities that individuals in relationships in my private practice over the years have defined as cheating (Note: All of the items on the list aren't necessarily my definition of cheating). 

This list shows how subjective the definition of cheating is for many people:

• Watching pornography secretly without the other partner's knowledge
• Flirting with other people
• Maintaining a codependent relationship with an ex that interferes with the current relationship
  
• Having a separate close friendship without including the other partner
• Having an emotional affair
• Having secret sexual fantasies that aren't revealed to the other partner
• Sexting with other people without the other partner's knowledge or consent
• Refusing to allow a partner to see email, texts or phone messages due to secret affairs
• Having secret phone numbers or email accounts with the goal of having affairs
• Having secret social media accounts with the goal of having affairs
• Having secret bank accounts or credit cards for the purpose of affairs (also known as financial infidelity)
• Engaging in secret cyber affairs
• Having secret in person sexual affairs 

I'm sure you could probably come up with other forms of cheating, but these are the most common ones I hear about in my New York City private practice.

Why Do People in Relationships Cheat?

The reasons why people cheat vary from individual to individual, including: 

• anger towards the partner
• wanting revenge against the partner
• problems with compulsive sexual behavior
  
• dissatisfaction with the relationship
• fear of commitment 
• low self esteem
  
• abuse
• unresolved psychological trauma from the past
• narcissism
  
• selfishness
• unrealistic relationship expectations

I discussed some of the reasons why people cheat in prior articles, and there are many more reasons:       

Cheating as a Way to Avoid Problems in Your Relationship

Why Do People in Happy Relationships Cheat?

Living a Double Life: Infidelity

The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Sexually Desirable

12 Telltale Signs a Man is a Womanizer

Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players

How to Stop Cheating on Your Partner

• Reassess Your Behavior and Your Long Term Goals: Cheating can occur without much thought. Often it's a matter of giving into an impulse or an attraction without much reflection on how it would affect your life. By reassessing your personal and relationship goals, you can think about how cheating will affect those goals.  For instance, if one of your goals is to be an honest person who has integrity, then cheating doesn't fit in with that goal.  Or, if you want to have children with your partner, bringing a child into an unstable relationship due to your infidelity doesn't fit in with that goal.  Stop and think about the impact cheating can have on who you want to be as an individual and what you want in your relationship and in your life.

Reassess Your Behavior and Your Goals: What About Integrity?

• Ask Yourself the following questions and consider your answers:
• How do you feel about your partner and your relationship?
• How do you feel about being in a monogamous relationship?
• If you're unhappy with monogamy, are you interested in a consensual nonmonogamy and is this something you can discuss with your partner?
• Are you so unhappy in your relationship that you want to end it. Although it can be difficult, it's better to be honest with your partner than to cheat.

• Identify the Reasons You Cheat: There is never a good reason for cheating, but there might be conscious and unconscious factors that contribute to your infidelity, including:

• You're avoiding problems in your relationship.
• You're unhappy in your relationship and you're hoping your affair will end it so you don't have to be proactive about breaking up.
• You want to punish your partner.
• You like the excitement you feel and how you feel about yourself when you have an affair with new people.
• You have problems with impulse control so that you get involved with people outside your relationship without much or any thought beforehand.

• End An Affair: Whether it's an emotional, romantic or sexual affair, take steps to end the affair in a way where you make amends and have closure with your partner(s).  
• Don't ghost them or cut them off.  
• Talk to them about what you appreciated about them and tell them you want to focus on your relationship now.
• Make amends if you were stringing them along with the promise of developing an exclusive relationship with them.  
• After there is closure, which shouldn't be dragged out, end contact.  If you maintain contact, you're likely to go back to them.

• Stop Any Other Behavior That Leads to Cheating: Whether it's flirting, sexting or any other behavior you have identified as leading to infidelity, stop engaging in that behavior.  

• If You Have Decided to Remain With Your Partner (assuming your partner wants to remain with you): 
• Take steps to repair the hurt and pain you caused to your partner by asking your partner what they need from you to heal.  This might involve a period of time when your partner needs to be on their own (without you) to think about what they want to do.  Respect that.  
• Make a commitment to be transparent with your partner, which includes allowing your partner to have full access to your phone, computer and other technology.
• Know that it will take a long time, if ever, to fully regain your partner's trust.
• Get into individual therapy to help you during this challenging time and also to understand and overcome underlying reasons for your infidelity. This can help you to make lasting changes so you don't cheat again. 
• Get into couples therapy with your partner to work on repairing the relationship.

• If You Have Decided to Leave Your Partner: If you realize that part of the reason for your infidelity was that you weren't admitting to yourself or your partner that you're unhappy with the relationship and you want to leave:

• Communicate empathetically with your partner face-to-face (no email, no texts or voicemail).
• Take responsibility for your part in the deterioration of the relationship.
• Be emotionally attuned to your partner and be willing to listen to their expressions of hurt and pain (this is part of your taking responsibility).
• Consider couples therapy to end the relationship amicably, especially if you have children.

Get Help From a Licensed Mental Health Professional: 

As mentioned above, there are often conscious and unconscious reasons why people cheat. 

If you've been unable to stop cheating or you stopped and you don't want to backslide, get professional help.

Get Help in Therapy

You could benefit from working in individual therapy with a skilled psychotherapist who has experience in helping people who want to stop cheating.

You and your partner can also benefit from attending couples therapy to repair your relationship and rebuild trust or to end the relationship amicably.

Instead of remaining stuck, get help so you can live a more meaningful life with a sense of integrity.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to overcome problems with cheating.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Advantages of Having a Relationship Agreement When You're in a Monogamous Relationship

In my article, What is an Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationship?, I discussed the advantages of having a relationship agreement that is mutually agreed upon by the individuals in the relationship.  But relationship agreements aren't just for non-traditional relationships.  There are also advantages to having an agreement in a monogamous relationship.

Relationship Agreements For Monogamous Relationships

Although many people enter into monogamous relationships assuming they are both on the same page, this often turns out not to be the case (see my article: Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page About Your Relationship).

Once they're in a committed relationship, couples often discover that each of them have different ideas about what it means to be monogamous because they haven't talked about it beforehand.

You might say, "But being monogamous means you've made a commitment to be with just one person!  Isn't that obvious?"  I would respond that it's often more complicated than that.  

Let's explore this further below.

People Are Living Longer: Monogamy Forever vs Monogamy For Right Now 

In her book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, Dr. Esther Perel, relationship and sex therapist, says that, in the past, monogamy used to mean that you were with one person for the rest of your life.

But today people are living much longer than they did in the past, so monogamy often means something different today: For many people it means that they'll be monogamous with one person at a time, the person they're with right now, which might not be for the rest of their life.  

As compared to the past, many people no longer think in terms of a forever relationship because there is a recognition that relationships are more likely to end now than they did in your grandparents' day.  This doesn't mean that no relationship ever lasts.  Obviously, many relationships do last a lifetime, but half of them don't.

I don't think most people enter into a committed relationship or a marriage with the idea that it won't last. But, at the same time, most people know, even if it's way in the back of their minds, that about 50% of first-time marriages end in divorce.  And they know those aren't good odds.

Infidelity Has Increased

According to Kinsey sex researcher and social psychologist, Dr. Justin Lehmiller, about 20-25% of people admit to cheating on their spouse, and the rate is even higher among people who are in a relationship but not married.

There are also more opportunities to cheat on dating apps, including dating apps for people who are married but who want to have affairs. There can be additional cellphones with secret calls, emails and texts.  There are social media sites with messaging that make it convenient to cheat. And so on.

According to Dr. Lehmiller, people give various reasons for cheating on their spouse or significant other, including:

• Sexual desire
• Anger
• Lack of love
• Neglect
• Lack of commitment
• Situational factors, including alcohol or being away on vacation
• Ego/esteem boosting (see my article: Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable)
• A desire for variety

There is No "One-Size Fits All" Standard for Monogamy These Days

While it might have been clear what monogamy meant 40 or 50 years ago, today there are so many factors to take into consideration.  

When two people in a relationship don't discuss what monogamy means to each of them, there are often misunderstandings and hurt feelings when they encounter differences in how they each define monogamy, as we will see below.

Clinical Vignettes: Couples Who Agreed to Be Monogamous Discover They Define Monogamy Differently

The following vignettes are composites of many different cases with all identifying information removed:

Ann and Bill

Ann and Bill were in their early 40s.  Ten years into the marriage, Ann discovered Bill watching pornography one night when she woke up in the middle of the night and went into their living room to see what Bill was doing.  This upset Ann very much because she considered it a violation of their marriage vows.  Bill couldn't understand why Ann was so upset.  To him, watching porn was a meaningless diversion.  Although they argued about it for days, they couldn't reach an agreement.  Ann insisted that Bill seek help in therapy, but he refused.  So, instead they entered into sex therapy as a couple.

Relationship Agreements For Monogamous Relationships

While in sex therapy, they each realized that they had never talked about this issue before and each of them assumed the other was in agreement with him or her.  Ann accused Bill of being a "sex addict" during their sex therapy sessions, and Bill accused Ann of being a "prude."  Over time, they learned in therapy that Bill wasn't a sex addict and Ann wasn't a prude--they just saw things differently.  They were able to work on the underlying issues that were causing problems for them and they eventually reached a compromise.  They also worked on a relationship agreement together and they each had a written copy of it.  The process of working on the agreement helped them to understand each other, avoid problems and it brought them closer together.

Gary and Ina

Gary and Ina dated for two years before they moved in together when Gary's New York City apartment lease was up.  They both agreed to be monogamous.  One day, when he was out with colleagues, Gary went to a local bar and saw Ina having drinks with a very attractive man.  They were sitting close together talking and laughing, which upset Gary. She told Gary earlier in the day that she was having drinks with a colleague, but she never mentioned her colleague was a man and that he was very handsome. Gary was also disturbed to see how close they were sitting and how their body language signaled an intimacy between them. After he calmed himself down, he walked over to Ina and the man she was with and she seemed surprised to see him.  She introduced Gary to Mike and told Gary that she was just about to leave and Mike agreed to drive her home.  

Relationship Agreements For Monogamous Relationships

Later that night, when they were home together, Gary told Ina how upset he was to see her with Mike.  Ina immediately took offense to Gary's words because she felt he was accusing her of cheating.  After many arguments, they entered into couples therapy where they talked about their differences.  Ina admitted that there had been other nights when she and Mike had drinks together, but they kept it strictly platonic. She said she just enjoyed his company.  At first, she didn't see anything wrong with being with Mike.  But over time, Ina realized that, even though she and Mike weren't having sex, they were having an an emotional affair where there was emotional intimacy.  She realized this wasn't healthy for her relationship with Gary. She also realized it could complicate issues at work, so she stopped seeing Mike outside the office.  Eventually, Ina and Gary worked out a written relationship agreement about this issue and other issues, which helped to bring them closer together.

Bob and Joe

Five years into their marriage, Bob realized that Joe was seeing other men for casual sex. He found emails from several men that were sexually explicit with pictures and links to hotels where Joe was meeting them.  This was something they had never talked about before, and Bob now realized that he had avoided the issue before because he was afraid of a verbal confrontation. He wasn't seeing anyone else, but he knew many of his gay male friends who were in relationships were non-monogamous.  Some of them hadn't worked out any agreement about these other relationships. They somewhat knew there were other men, but they didn't discuss it.  Some were in consensual non-monogamous relationships where they worked out an agreement between them.  And others were supposed to be monogamous but they were cheating on each other.  When he worked up the courage to talk to Joe, Bob told him about the emails he found and he expressed his hurt and anger.  

Relationship Agreements For Monogamish Relationships

In response, Joe expressed surprised. He assumed they had a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement where they were basically "monogamish" (monogamish is a term coined by Dan Savage, a gay sex columnist, which means that a couple is committed to each other but they have sex with other people).  Joe said they thought their unspoken agreement was that they could see other people as long as they practiced safe sex and didn't develop an emotional attachment to anyone else.   A few weeks later, they were in couples therapy working out their differences.  Eventually, they worked out a written relationship agreement that they both could live with where they would practice consensual non-monogamy.  They agreed to be each other's primary partner, but they could have occasional sexual affairs with other people as long as everything was above board and out in the open.

Nina and Jill

After dating for two years, Nina and Jill decided to move in together.  They planned to get married in a year.  One day Nina met Jill at a local lesbian bar in Manhattan where Jill often met friends.  As soon as she arrived, Nina saw Jill dancing and flirting with another woman.  When the dance was over, Nina asked Jill to step outside to talk and she told Jill how upset she was to see her flirting with another woman.  Jill responded defensively.  She couldn't understand why Nina was upset because she considered flirting to be harmless.  She said she enjoyed flirting because it was an ego boost for her and for the other person.  Nina told her she considered flirting to be cheating or, at the very least, micro-cheating, and she wasn't going to stand for it.  Soon after that, they went home and they had a big argument.  

Relationship Agreements For Monogamous Couples

In the heat of the moment, Nina told Jill she wasn't sure she wanted to get married to someone who was going to flirt with other people.  Jill was hurt when she heard this and she responded by saying she wasn't sure she wanted to marry someone who was so petty and jealous.  

A few weeks later, when they couldn't work things out on their own, they sought help in couples therapy.  Being able to talk things out in an emotionally safe environment helped each of them to open up.  They soon realized they had never discussed this issue before.  Although each of them thought their opinion was the "correct" one, they also wanted to come to a mutual agreement.  

Over time, Jill realized that even though she had no intention of developing a sexual or emotional relationship with anyone else, she enjoyed the variety she experienced when she flirted with other women.  She also liked feeling desirable when other women responded by flirting back. In addition, she said, with some hesitation, she and Nina had not had sex in several months, and she felt neglected. But since she knew it was hurtful to Nina, Jill agreed to stop flirting.  And, as part of their written relationship agreement, which they worked out over time, they agreed to find ways to bring novelty and sexual desire back into their relationship (see my article: The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship).

The Benefits of Working Out a Relationship Agreement

Although no agreement can resolve every problem in a relationship, there are advantages to these agreements, including:

• It Sets the Tone For the Relationship: Since both people have worked on it together (as opposed to one person dictating the terms of the agreement), it sets the tone for the relationship.  

• It Creates an Honest Framework: When the written agreement is thorough and both people have agreed to it, there's no reason to wonder how your partner might feel about the issues you both discussed and no reason to hide anything.  There can be honesty and transparency in the relationship.

• It Can Be the Basis For Revisions Over Time: Although both people agree to follow it, a written relationship agreement isn't carved in stone.  Individuals can change.  The relationship can change.  Circumstances can change.  In addition, no matter how thorough an agreement is, there might be new issues that neither person thought about when the agreement was first negotiated.

Relationship Agreements Can't Guarantee the Relationship Will Work Out

Relationship agreements aren't guarantees.

It's possible that one person is more invested in the agreement than the other.  Sometimes this is because one person in the relationship isn't accustomed to conceptualizing and communicating on this level.  

Other times one person agrees to go along with the agreement just to appease the other partner, and they might be ambivalent about having an agreement at all.  But they want to just get it over with or they don't want to appear to be difficult.

In other cases, unfortunately, the person who is going along with it has no intention of following the agreement and they hope their partner won't find out they are continuing to engage in the same old behavior that caused problems in the first place.  This might include an attitude like: What my partner doesn't know won't hurt her (or him).

Having a Relationship Agreement Can Save a Relationship

Although it's not a panacea and one or both people might feel a relationship agreement is too time consuming to work out, in the long run, it's better to have an agreement than not to have one.  

Ideally, it's better to have an agreement before making a commitment to enter into a monogamous relationship and before problems begin.  This can save a lot of heartache in the long run.  But most people don't see a reason to work on an agreement until there are problems.

A relationship agreement allows each person to think about issues they might not have thought about before, to communicate their needs to their partner, and to learn about their partner's needs.

As part of the process, there might be some trial and error as each person gets to live with the established agreement, but a relationship agreement can save a relationship.

Seeking Help in Couples Therapy

Relationship agreements can be tricky for a couple to work out on their own, especially since there are emotional issues at stake and the possibility of hurt or angry feelings as well as emotional triggers related to unresolved trauma.

Couples Therapy Can Help Save Your Relationship

Working with a couples therapist can help to identify each of your needs, understand the underlying emotional issues involved, compromise if necessary, and renegotiate as things change (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?)

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?

The vast majority of people in the United States are in traditional monogamous relationships, which means they are in an exclusive relationship with one other person where they will only be sexual and romantic with each other.  

What is Serial Monogamy?

There are also serial monogamists.  They're usually in one monogamous relationship at a time, but they might take breaks from the relationship to see other people (see my articles: Understanding Serial Monogamists - Part 1 and Part 2).

What is Consensual Nonmonogamy (CNM)?

Consensual nonmonogamy is also known as ethical nonmonogamy (ENM).

In research surveys approximately 1 in 5 people indicate they are (or were in the past) in some form of a nonmonogamous relationship (see my articles: Are You and Your Partner Are on the Same Page About Your Relationship? and Telltale Signs That Indicate You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page ).

One blog article can't cover the variety and complexity of all ethical nonmonogamous relationships, so I'll provide resources at the bottom of this article.

What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?

Consensual nonmonogamy comes under the umbrella of open relationships. 

However, at the most basic level, CNM usually means that people are in a consensual non-monogamous relationship where they have worked out an agreement between them about the nature of their nonmonogamy (see my article: The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in a Relationship).

The agreement should be well-thought out, written and formalized by both people.  There are various forms of agreements and some of them are very detailed and elaborate.  

Consensual Nonmonogamy

In their most basic form, they cover what is permitted and what is not permitted as part of the agreement (for a more detailed explanation of these types of ENM agreements, see Dr. Tammy Nelson's book, Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement).

One of the major goals of having a formalized agreement is that both people are honest and open with each other to avoid misunderstandings and emotional pain later on.  

A formal agreement also allows other people, who get involved with one or both people, to know the nature of the relationship they will be entering into and the boundaries.

There are some people who have an informal "Don't ask, don't tell" agreement where they agree that one or both people can see other people, but they won't give each other the details of these other relationships.  However, this type of arrangement can often lead to misunderstandings, suspicion, jealousy and, in some cases, the end of the relationship.

There are also various types of ENM relationships, including romantic and/or sexual, where only one person in the relationship sees other individuals.  

Also, there might be a primary relationship where two people agree that they are primary to each other.  This is considered a hierarchical nonmonogamous relationship.

In a hierarchical nonmonogamous relationship, the people in the primary relationship prioritize their relationship with regard to time spent together, commitment, space and other issues.  This means that anyone else who becomes romantically and/or sexually involved is secondary to the primary couple.

Aside from the hierarchical form of the nonmonogamous relationship, there are many other forms of nonmonogamy, including:

Cheating: 

Cheating is obviously not considered a form of ethical nonmonogamy (see my articles: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

With modern technology, like the personal computers and cellphones, cheating has become easier and more prevalent than in the past.

Cheating on Your Partner

Cheating is a form of betrayal and, when cheating is discovered, it breaks the trust in a relationship and trust is hard, if not impossible, to reestablish.  

In many cases, people choose to stay in the relationship to try to work things out.  Often this is due to feelings that the partners have an emotional investment in their relationship.  

However, there are times when the person who was betrayed doesn't overcome the pain and never regains the trust, but they feel too insecure or unworthy to leave the relationship or they don't want to be alone. 

Often, with the encouragement of the partner who cheated, the person who was betrayed might blame themselves for their partner's infidelity (if they are in a relationship with a highly narcissistic partner, the partner might manipulate them into believing this).  

They might tell themselves that they're to blame for not having sex with their partner more often or not doing certain sexual acts their partner wants.

In addition, there might be cultural, religious, familial or economic factors that keep a couple together even when the person who was betrayed no longer trusts the cheating partner and doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

The data varies, but researchers estimate that a whopping 20-25% of heterosexual married men and 10-15% of married heterosexual women admit to cheating.  

People differ in terms of how they define cheating.

The following list include the activities (along a continuum) that many people consider cheating:

• Viewing pornography alone (without the partner)
• Maintaining a Codependent Relationship With an Ex
  
• Flirting with other people
• Having a close friend or confidante of the opposite sex (for hetero couples)
• Having sexual chemistry with someone else (other than the spouse or partner)
• Having secret sexual fantasies
• Having an emotional affair
• Having a non-consensual sexual affair (or affairs)
• Texting people of the opposite sex with flirty, sexual or romantic content
• Having Secret Social Media Accounts With the Goal of Having an Affair
  
• Having secret phone numbers or email accounts to hide affairs
• Engaging in cyber affairs where a partner is in secret contact with others for romantic or sexual purposes
• Engaging in financial infidelity where a partner has secret bank accounts or spends considerable sums of money without telling the other partner

Cheating Can Also Occur in Ethical Nonmonogamous Relationships

Even though one of the major reasons to be in an ENM relationship is that everything is honest and above board, there are some people who break the agreement with their partner by cheating. 

For example, if the agreement indicates that both partners must mutually agree to the people they get romantically or sexually involved with, they will go outside the agreement to have secret affairs.  For some people, the thrill of secretly cheating on their partner is so enticing that they engage in infidelity despite the agreement.

Polyamory or Polyfidelity

Polyamory is a form of ethical nonmonogamy that allows people to have more than one romantic relationship simultaneously.  

Polyfidelity is similar to polyamory. It specifically allows people to be faithful to a group of two or more people.  The expectation is they won't have relationships outside that group.

Swinging

Generally speaking, swinging involves heterosexual couples getting sexually involved with one or more people.  

Usually, a couple would do this together at a swingers party, club or a swingers resort. They might also have an agreement to do this individually without the other partner.  

Swingers Party

In the early days of swinging, it was called "Wife Swapping," which involved married couples having wife swapping parties in the 1970s and beyond.

Swinging often involves a couple getting sexually involved with another couple.  It might also involve threesomes or other forms of group sex where other people are asked to join the couple in sexual activity (see my article: What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?).

In addition, swinging includes heterosexual couples seeking out bisexual or sexually fluid women--although sometimes they seek bisexual men (see my article: The Fetishization of Lesbian and Bisexual Women is a Social Justice Issue).

This might involve what is called "girl-on-girl" sexual activity where the man gets sexually aroused watching his partner having sex with a bisexual woman.  

In another variation, both the man and the woman both get sexually involved with the bisexual woman.

Is an "Agreed Upon" Nonmonogamous Relationship Always Consensual?

Ideally, in ethical nonmonogamy both people have freely agreed and they openly and enthusiastically consent to the agreement.

But sometimes one partner feels pressured into being nonmonogamous and goes along with it because they know it's what their partner wants and they don't want to lose their partner (this is often a woman in a heterosexual relationship, but now always).

The pressure can be explicit where the other partner says they are either non-monogamous or the relationship is over.  

Or, the pressure can be implicit where the partner who wants to be nonmonogamous doesn't say so directly, but they communicate their displeasure in other acting out behavior (i.e., acting sullen, shutting down/giving the "silent treatment," being hostile and so on).

In that case, it wouldn't be considered consensual nonmonogamy because the partner, who is being pressured is just going along with the other partner to please them, and they really don't want it.  

In many relationships, where one partner feels pressured in this way, the relationship collapses under the weight of longstanding resentment by the partner who is just going along with non-monogamy out of fear.

Is Consensual Nonmonogamy Right For You?

Only you can decide if CNM is right for you.  

Depending upon your personal history, it may or may not be right for you.  

For instance, if you have an anxious attachment style with your partner, ENM will, most likely, make you feel insecure and worried about the relationship.  So, you would have to think long and hard before you consented to a ENM relationship agreement.

Some people try it for a period of time and decide whether or not it's right for them.  But, once again, this should be done with a lot of forethought and a mutual agreement.

Consensual Nonmonogamy Won't Fix an Unstable Relationship

Many people open up their relationship because they believe it will help to stabilize an unstable relationship.

These couples usually have misguided ideas about ethical nonmonogamy.  Not only do they confound their own problems, but they also create chaos and confusion for the other people with whom they are getting involved.

Couples in an unstable relationship should work on their relationship first to try to repair it before considering CNM.  

Alternatively, if the problems in their relationship can't be fixed, they might do better separating.

Is There a Risk of Losing Your Partner in Consensual Nonmonogamy?

Most people who are in ENM are ethical and have integrity about their choices.  

However, just as there is a risk in any relationship, people in an CNM relationship could risk losing their partner to someone outside the relationship.  

For example, a couple might have an agreement that their non-monogamous agreement only involves sexual and not emotional ties with others, but emotional ties can still form with others--even if everyone involved has the intention of being true to the agreement.  

Many people in CNM relationships would say that there is more of a risk of losing partner in a monogamous relationship because of the high rate of infidelity.

Also, in most monogamous relationships there is no agreement about the subtleties of monogamy and how they define cheating. 

To give one example mentioned above: Is flirting cheating or is watching porn alone cheating? Some people would say yes and others would say no.  So, when these areas are assumed and not defined, it can be a slippery slope in terms of what is defined as cheating.

Next Articles:

See my articles: 

What is Compersion in Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships

What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?

What is Solo Polyamory?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Resources:

    Books:

• Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement by Dr. Tammy Nelson (as mentioned above)
• Tell Me What You Want by Dr. Justin Lehmiller
• So, Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex by Dr. Ian Kerner
• The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures by Janet Hardy
• Polysecure by Jessica Fern
• Mating in Captivity by Dr. Esther Perel
• The State of Affairs by Dr. Ester Perel