Why Do People in Relationships Keep Secrets From Each Other?

In a prior article, I discussed the difference between privacy and secrecy in a relationship (see my article: Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship).

What's the Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Secrets in a Relationship?

Aside from maintaining your own privacy in a healthy way, there can be other healthy reasons for maintaining certain secrets.

Discovering Secrets in a Relationship

Healthy Secrets

An example of a healthy secret would be a surprise. For instance, if one of the partners is planning to propose, they would probably want to surprise and delight their partner by taking them to their favorite restaurant and proposing with an engagement ring.

Similarly, one of the partners might want to surprise the other with a gift, a birthday party or a much desired vacation.

In both cases, these secrets were temporary and would add to the partner's pleasure.

Unhealthy Secrets

Unhealthy secrets include but are not limited to:

• Hiding Deceitful Behavior: Using a secret to hide deceit; manipulation; betrayal, lying, including lies of omission, often leads to mistrust and can ruin a relationship.  An example of this would be infidelity, including emotional infidelity.

• Hiding Serious Issues: Hiding serious issues, like serious medical problems; financial issues, including financial infidelity; an addiction, among other issues, can weaken or destroy a relationship. 

Why Do People in Relationships Keep Secrets From Their Partner?

There can be many reasons why people keep secrets from their partner, including:

• Maintaining Power and Control: The partner who is keeping a secret to maintain power and control over their partner is engaging in an unhealthy dynamic. Maintaining this dynamic can lead to a decrease in emotional intimacy, emotional distancing, resentment and the potential demise of the relationship.

• Feeling Shame and Guilt: Someone who feels ashamed or guilty about something they did will often keep it a secret because they fear their partner will reject or leave them.

• Feeling Fear of Criticism and Judgment: Even if a partner doesn't leave, they might be critical or judgmental about what their partner did, so the partner keeps it a secret so they don't have to deal with the criticism or judgment.

Keeping a Secret Due to Fear of Criticism

• Avoidance: Related to the above, someone might want to tell their partner about their secret, but they fear how their partner might react, so they procrastinate. The procrastination might be short term or it can be indefinite.

• Experiencing Lack of Trust in the Partner: When someone doesn't trust their partner, they might not want to be vulnerable by revealing what they did, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Communication Skills: Someone who doesn't have good communication skills might not know how to reveal something negative to their partner, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Interpersonal Skills: Someone who has poor interpersonal skills might not know how to approach their partner about something they did, so they keep it a secret.

• Having Poor Relationship Skills: Similar to poor interpersonal skills, someone who has poor relationship skills might not understand the importance of being open and honest with their partner. In many cases, they grew up in a household where good relationship skills weren't modeled for them, so they never developed these skills. There might also have been toxic family secrets.

• Not Wanting to Be Accountable to a Partner: Similar to poor relationship skills, someone might not want to be held accountable by their partner for their actions.

• Being Selfish/Self Centered: Someone who is self centered and selfish might only think of themself and not how their secret might affect their partner.

• Wanting Revenge Against Their Partner/Payback: If someone is angry about something their partner did, they might intentionally keep a secret as a way of getting back. This often happens with infidelity where one partner finds out the other partner cheated and the first partner cheats too as a form of revenge--even though they keep the infidelity a secret.

• Wanting to Be the Betraying Partner After Having Been the Betrayed Partner in a  Current or Prior Relationship: When someone was betrayed in a prior relationship, they might want to gain power in the next relationship by being the betraying partner.

How Can Secrets Ruin a Relationship?

• Secrets Are Stressful: Keeping a secret often involves a lot mental and emotional energy on the secret keeper's part, which creates stress.  The partner who is keeping the secret might also feel stressed because they fear their partner will find out their secret. If someone is keeping a secret from their partner, they might are not be open and honest about other issues in the relationship.  

Secrets Are Stressful

• Secrets Create Mistrust and Resentment: When someone finds out their partner is keeping a secret, they can feel mistrustful of their partner as well as hurt and resentful. 

• Secrets Hurt Both Partners: Keeping a secret hurts both people. The secret becomes burdensome for the secret keeper. Snt,ecrets also create emotional distance between the two partners, which can result in loneliness for both people (see my article: Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship?).

Getting Help in Therapy

Whether you're the secret keeper or you're in a relationship where you have discovered your partner has been keeping a secret, you don't have to struggle alone. You could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional (see my article: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're the one who is keeping a secret, being able to let go of a burdensome secret can free you from guilt and shame.  You can also work with a skilled therapist to how you want to deal with the issue.

If you're the one who has discovered a secret, you might feel overwhelmed with emotions that a licensed mental health professional can help you to work through.

Couples therapy can help you to work through a betrayal and strengthen your relationship, if you choose to stay together, or end your relationship in an amicable way, if you choose to end the relationship, so you don't bring issues from the current relationship to the next relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.