How to Heal From the Pain of Being an Affair Partner (the "Other Woman" or "Other Man")

 In my prior articles  Being in the Role of the Affair Partner (the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man"), I discussed some of the common dynamics involved with being the affair partner with information from a podcast called "Reigniting Love" (see my article: How the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" in an Affair Can Keep the Primary Relationship Together).

Healing the Pain of Being an Affair Partner

In the current article, I'm focusing on how an affair partner can heal from the painful experience of being in an affair, which is also inspired by a "Reimagining Love" podcast with Dr. Alexandra Solomon.

What About the Betrayed Partner?

Before discussing how an affair partner can heal, I want to address the pain of the betrayed partner, which I have also done in earlier posts.  

There's no doubt that being the betrayed partner, the partner in the primary relationship who is being cheated on, is tremendously painful (see my article: Coping With Infidelity).

Many couples break up when an affair is discovered, but many others stay together to try to repair their relationship, as discussed by relationship and sex therapist Dr. Esther Perel in her book The State of Affairs (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After the Affair).

Discovering your partner is cheating on you is a heartbreaking and traumatic experience filled with sadness, anger, feelings of betrayal and hurt, which I have addressed in prior articles.

So, I just want to emphasize that by focusing on the affair partner in this article, I'm in no way minimizing the pain of the person who was cheated on.  

How the Affair Partner is Affected in an Affair

In addition to addressing the pain of the betrayed partner, it's also important for the person who is the affair partner to heal from an affair that left them feeling lost and confused (see my article: Leading a Double Life as the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man" in an Affair).

The affair partner often experiences many potential painful and confusing emotions, including: 

• The pain of being silent about the affair because the affair is a secret

• Not having anyone to talk to about it, so they must bear their pain alone

• Anxiety and hypervigilance about the possibility of getting caught

• The potential stigma of being labeled a "homewrecker" if the affair is discovered

• A rollercoaster of emotions from highs to lows

• Feeling not good enough or unlovable

• Feeling disempowered because the betraying partner makes the decisions about the affair

• Feeling lonely and sad on birthdays and holidays when the betraying partner is with their spouse or partner 

• Re-experiencing old childhood emotional wounds that get triggered by the affair

How to Heal From the Pain of Being the Affair Partner

• Stepping away from the affair, as hard as it might be, is essential to the affair partner figuring out what they want in terms of a relationship. This will also give the betraying partner time to decide what to do about their primary relationship and, if they leave, give them time to grieve and heal before resuming the relationship with the affair partner.

• This will allow the affair partner time to heal and get back into alignment with their values.

• This will also allow the affair partner to feel whole and not stand in the shadows of an affair.

• When the affair partner steps away, this should not be used as an ultimatum to get the betraying partner to leave their relationship.

Healing the Pain of Being the Affair Partner

• The affair partner needs to stand firm with their boundaries. The dynamics of the primary relationship will change once the affair partner is no longer providing the betraying partner with whatever they found missing in their relationship. This will interrupt the homeostasis that the affair partner provided to the primary relationship.  The change could occur either way--either the couple in the primary relationship will work on making their relationship stronger (most couples who experience infidelity opt to repair the relationship because they have invested so much in the relationship) or they will break up.

• The affair partner needs to be aware they don't have a role in the betraying partner's healing. The betraying partner needs to heal without the affair partner.

• The affair partner can write a letter to themself about what happened. This can help them to make sense of what happened and also to serve as a reminder if they're tempted to go back to the betraying partner before the situation in the primary relationship is resolved and the betraying partner has time to heal.  This letter could include:

• What might have happened in the affair partner's early family history that contributed to being in the affair?

• Why did they step away from the affair?

• Express self compassion in the letter to themself with the understanding they might not have had the necessary skills to do anything different when they entered into the affair. Self compassion will allow the affair partner to grieve, which is essential to healing. Shame, defiance and minimization will get in the way of grieving and healing.

• Get help in therapy to heal from the affair and work through whatever unresolved childhood emotional trauma remain.

Get Help in Therapy to Heal

Being an affair partner can be a lonely and traumatizing struggle.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

Healing from the pain of being an affair partner can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Jospehine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.