How to Heal From the Pain of Being an Affair Partner (the "Other Woman" or "Other Man")

 In my prior articles  Being in the Role of the Affair Partner (the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man"), I discussed some of the common dynamics involved with being the affair partner with information from a podcast called "Reigniting Love" (see my article: How the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" in an Affair Can Keep the Primary Relationship Together).

Healing the Pain of Being an Affair Partner

In the current article, I'm focusing on how an affair partner can heal from the painful experience of being in an affair, which is also inspired by a "Reimagining Love" podcast with Dr. Alexandra Solomon.

What About the Betrayed Partner?

Before discussing how an affair partner can heal, I want to address the pain of the betrayed partner, which I have also done in earlier posts.  

There's no doubt that being the betrayed partner, the partner in the primary relationship who is being cheated on, is tremendously painful (see my article: Coping With Infidelity).

Many couples break up when an affair is discovered, but many others stay together to try to repair their relationship, as discussed by relationship and sex therapist Dr. Esther Perel in her book The State of Affairs (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After the Affair).

Discovering your partner is cheating on you is a heartbreaking and traumatic experience filled with sadness, anger, feelings of betrayal and hurt, which I have addressed in prior articles.

So, I just want to emphasize that by focusing on the affair partner in this article, I'm in no way minimizing the pain of the person who was cheated on.  

How the Affair Partner is Affected in an Affair

In addition to addressing the pain of the betrayed partner, it's also important for the person who is the affair partner to heal from an affair that left them feeling lost and confused (see my article: Leading a Double Life as the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man" in an Affair).

The affair partner often experiences many potential painful and confusing emotions, including: 

• The pain of being silent about the affair because the affair is a secret

• Not having anyone to talk to about it, so they must bear their pain alone

• Anxiety and hypervigilance about the possibility of getting caught

• The potential stigma of being labeled a "homewrecker" if the affair is discovered

• A rollercoaster of emotions from highs to lows

• Feeling not good enough or unlovable

• Feeling disempowered because the betraying partner makes the decisions about the affair

• Feeling lonely and sad on birthdays and holidays when the betraying partner is with their spouse or partner 

• Re-experiencing old childhood emotional wounds that get triggered by the affair

How to Heal From the Pain of Being the Affair Partner

• Stepping away from the affair, as hard as it might be, is essential to the affair partner figuring out what they want in terms of a relationship. This will also give the betraying partner time to decide what to do about their primary relationship and, if they leave, give them time to grieve and heal before resuming the relationship with the affair partner.

• This will allow the affair partner time to heal and get back into alignment with their values.

• This will also allow the affair partner to feel whole and not stand in the shadows of an affair.

• When the affair partner steps away, this should not be used as an ultimatum to get the betraying partner to leave their relationship.

Healing the Pain of Being the Affair Partner

• The affair partner needs to stand firm with their boundaries. The dynamics of the primary relationship will change once the affair partner is no longer providing the betraying partner with whatever they found missing in their relationship. This will interrupt the homeostasis that the affair partner provided to the primary relationship.  The change could occur either way--either the couple in the primary relationship will work on making their relationship stronger (most couples who experience infidelity opt to repair the relationship because they have invested so much in the relationship) or they will break up.

• The affair partner needs to be aware they don't have a role in the betraying partner's healing. The betraying partner needs to heal without the affair partner.

• The affair partner can write a letter to themself about what happened. This can help them to make sense of what happened and also to serve as a reminder if they're tempted to go back to the betraying partner before the situation in the primary relationship is resolved and the betraying partner has time to heal.  This letter could include:

• What might have happened in the affair partner's early family history that contributed to being in the affair?

• Why did they step away from the affair?

• Express self compassion in the letter to themself with the understanding they might not have had the necessary skills to do anything different when they entered into the affair. Self compassion will allow the affair partner to grieve, which is essential to healing. Shame, defiance and minimization will get in the way of grieving and healing.

• Get help in therapy to heal from the affair and work through whatever unresolved childhood emotional trauma remain.

Get Help in Therapy to Heal

Being an affair partner can be a lonely and traumatizing struggle.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

Healing from the pain of being an affair partner can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Jospehine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Being in the Role of the Affair Partner (Also Known As the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man")

On a recent "Reimagining Love" podcast called "When You're the Affair Partner," podcast host Dr. Alexandra Solomon focused on affair partners, also known as the "other woman" or the "other man" (see my articles: How the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" in an Affair Can Keep the Primary Relationship Together and Leading a Double Life as the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man" in an Affair).

The Role of the Affair Partner

In her discussion she distinguished these nonconsensual nonmonogamous relationships from consensual nonmonogamous relationships where all parties involved know about and consent to nonmonogamy.

This was a compassionate discussion about being in the role of the affair partner, how being in this role affects the affair partner as well as the betraying partner (the person cheating) and the betrayed partner (the person being cheated on).

How Does the Affair Partner Make Sense of Their Role in the Affair?

She explained the role of cognitive dissonance in getting into, remaining and making sense of being part of an affair by providing examples of internal messages the affair partner might give themselves.

The Affair Partner and Cognitive Dissonance

As I discussed in a prior article, cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort you feel when you hold contradictory thoughts, beliefs values, or attitudes as it relates to your decisions and behavior.

The internal messages an affair partner might give themself to make sense of being part of an affair and assuage guilt might be:

• "I'm single. I'm not cheating." or

• "I'm not responsible for their unhappy marriage."

Dr. Solomon addressed these internal messages in a nonjudgmental way by saying that although the affair partner isn't responsible for the couple's marriage, they're still participating in it and, even if the betrayed partner doesn't know the affair partner, the affair partner is part of the primary couple's triangle so, in that sense, the affair partner is in a relationship with both the betraying and betrayed partners.

How Can the Affair Partner Get Curious About Their Cognitive Dissonance?

Throughout the podcast, Dr. Solomon recommended that, in order to understand their cognitive dissonance, the affair partner can go beyond thinking about the affair in terms of right and wrong by getting curious about it and asking themselves:

• What set me up to be okay with the affair?

• What am I continuing to do to make it okay for myself?

• Where can I go from here?

What is the Affair Partner Ignoring or Overriding Internally?

These might include internal messages such as:

• It's not a big deal.
• I'm not doing anything wrong.

What the Affair Partner Already Knows But Might Be Ignoring

• Keeping a Narrow Focus: This is a coping mechanism that keeps the affair partner from seeing the whole picture. By keeping the focus narrow, the affair partner keeps the focus on the affair and not on the primary relationship/marriage. This helps to reduce guilt and shame, but it comes as the expense of being aware of the entire situation.

• Having a Wide Focus Instead: Instead of having a narrow focus, Dr. Solomon recommends widening the lens to take in the whole situation, which is essential for a healthy relationship.

How Does the Affair Partner Reduce Empathy?

By reducing empathy for the betrayed partner, the affair partner cuts off their awareness of how the affair is affecting the betrayed partner.

Dr. Solomon suggests that the affair partner asks the following questions:

• What am I telling myself about the betrayed partner to maintain cognitive dissonance?

• Do I tell myself that the betrayed partner is mean? Checked out? Or a sucker?

According to Dr. Solomon, by reducing empathy, the affair partner is shrinking the betrayed partner.  She suggests that the affair partner ask themself: What price am I paying for reducing empathy?

What is the Emotional Impact of Participating in a Relationship That is Duplicitous?

Questions to Consider:

• Can I stand in my integrity while being in a duplicitous relationship?

The Role of the Affair Partner

• What am I telling myself about my integrity?

• Am I compromising my experience of wholeness?

• How is duplicity creeping into other areas of my life?

What is the Internal Message Regarding Self Worth?

Questions to Consider:

• Am I telling myself I only deserve crumbs and not a full relationship?

• What am I telling myself about my own worthiness?

• Is this related to my early personal history in my family of origin? (more about this below)

• How might being in an affair reinforce the belief that I only deserve crumbs?

What Drew the Affair Partner to the Affair?

Dr. Solomon names three factors which will be explained below:

• 1. Goodness of Fit

• 2. Object of Desire Self Consciousness

• 3. Redoing a Childhood Wound

1. Goodness of Fit

Goodness of fit refers to what the affair partner was available for at the point in their life when they started the affair.

This might include:

• Boundary Issues: Micro-boundary crossings at the beginning of the affair

• Past Relationship: Coming out of a past relationship where there was infidelity and the current affair partner was the betrayed partner in the prior relationship.  This could involve what Freud termed "repetition compulsion" where this person is now repeating the infidelity but this time they're the affair partner instead of the betrayed partner.  This choice, which is often unconscious, is an attempt to master the past affair which was confusing and upsetting.

• Romantic or Erotic Connection: An affair has what Dr. Jack Morin, Ph.D., sex therapist and resarcher, called the Erotic Equation which is made up of attraction plus obstacles. The erotic attraction is super-charged in an affair.  The erotic connection is also paired with danger (i.e., the danger of getting caught). 

• At a Particular Point in the Affair Partner's Life: The affair partner might not be ready for a relationship that requires a commitment and responsibilities at the point in their life when they're having an affair.

2. Object of Desire Self-Consciousness: This term was discussed by Dr. Anthony Bogaert and Dr. Lori Brotto in their paper, "Object of Desire Self-Consciousness" (ODSC) in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy:

• ODSC is the perception that someone is romantically and sexually desirable in another person's eyes.  

• This is a gendered construct of a cisgender heterosexual man and a cisgender heterosexual woman with the woman being the ODSC. But it can apply to any gender or sexual orientation, This is usually a part of the woman's erotic template. 

• The idea is that the man, who is in a primary relationship with a spouse or romantic partner, wants the other woman so badly that he's willing to risk his relationship, his reputation and everything else that's at stake to be with the woman who is the affair partner. 

• This risky behavior on the part of the betraying partner spikes the libido for the affair partner because she feels so desirable. 

• The affair partner only knows the story of the primary relationship from the betraying partner's perspective. 

• The story provided by the betraying partner usually serves to help reduce the betraying partner's cognitive dissonance so they will feel less guilty about the affair. 

• This is often a skewed or false version compared to the real story. 

• The betraying partner might also provide no story and act as if he's not in an affair, which would make it confusing for the affair partner in terms of the affair partner trying to make meaning of the affair.

3. Redoing a Childhood Wound

The affair partner might have unresolved childhood wounds where one or both parents had extramarital affairs. The affair partner might have been the one who held a parent's secret about infidelity so that:

• A younger internal part of the affair partner might be unconsciously trying to heal their wounds by engaging in repetition compulsion, which would mean having an affair in an effort to master the old wounds that were so painful by being the desired one in an affair.

The Role of the Affair Partner

• To understand this dynamic, the affair partner would need to be willing to look at their family history regarding infidelity, duplicity and family secrets to see if there are unresolved issues that are getting played out in the current affair.

• As a child, if the affair partner played second fiddle to another sibling or to a parent's career or to a parent's addiction, they might unconsciously crave feeling special with a partner who is willing to risk everything to be with them. 

• In addition, accepting crumbs offered by the betraying partner, although painful, would also be paradoxically familiar and comfortable to the affair partner due to their family history of feeling unimportant.

In my next article, I'll discuss how to heal from the pain of being the affair partner:

How to Heal From the Pain of Being the Affair Partner.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist,

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.