Are You Feeling Like a Failure Because You Can't "Fix" a Loved One?

It's incredibly difficult to stand by and watch an adult you love engage in self-sabotaging and destructive behavior. You can feel helpless and hopeless, so your inclination might be to try to "fix" your loved one in whatever way you think you can.

You Can't "Fix" a Loved One

Loving someone deeply can trick you into believing that you have the power to control and change their behavior. But you can't "fix" a loved one because they're not an object that needs to be repaired. 

If you're confusing your deep love with a duty to "cure" a loved one, you can end up feeling emotionally, physically and mentally depleted. 

Why Are You Feeling This Way?

There can be a few reasons why you feel a sense of guilt for not being able to control or change a loved one you care about--whether it's a parent, sibling, adult child or close friend:

• The Savior Illusion: You might mistakenly believe that if your love is strong enough, it can override their emotional pain or trauma.

• Internalizing Your Loved One's Chaos: You might be treating their problems like it's a reflection on your worth or effort.

• Control Feels Like Comfort: Trying to "fix" them is often a coping mechanism to erase your own discomfort with their suffering.

How Can You Shift From Trying to "Fix" to Trying to Support Them?

To protect your own well-being and build a healthier dynamic between you and your loved one, consider shifting from your approaching of attempting to "fix" to being emotionally supportive.

Take a look at the examples below and notice the difference between trying to "fix" and being emotionally supportive:

• Trying to "Fix": Offering unsolicited advice (e.g., "You're drinking too much" or "You're spending too much money on unimportant things and not paying your bills").

• Being Emotionally Supportive: Asking if they want help and, if so, how they want to be helped: "Do you want me to listen?" (see my article: Ask Your Loved One: Do You Want to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged?).

• Trying to "Fix": Sacrificing your boundaries to shield them from consequences.

• Being Emotionally Supportive: Focus on yourself and your own well-being and be an attuned listener for your loved one.

• Trying to "Fix": Trying to force change or manage their life (e.g., making excuses to their manager when they don't show up for work or paying their overdue bills).

• Being Emotionally Supportive: Instead of making excuses for them, create a safe, non-judgmental environment where change is possible if they choose to change.

Reminders to Maintain Your Own Well-Being

• Separate Love From Rescue: You can love someone without carrying the burden of trying to save them.

• Be Aware That You're Not Failing: Instead of feeling like you're failing, recognize that you're hitting the natural limit of what one human being can do for another.

• Let Go and Grieve The Expectation: Let go of unrealistic expectations of trying to "fix" your loved one. Allow yourself to mourn the version of the relationship you wish you could have with them. 

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the problem with trying to "fix" a loved one:

Tina and Her Adult Son, Mike:

Tina's only child, a 45 year old son, Mike, had a compulsive gambling problem. Although he earned over $100,000 a year, he had poor credit because he had many overdue bills, the bank was threatening to foreclose on his home and his wife was threatening to leave him.

You Can't "Fix" Your Loved One

Whenever Mike felt desperate, he called Tina and begged her to bail him out. In that moment, he would promise to get help for his gambling problem and also to pay her back. But as soon as he got the money from Tina, he gambled more (instead of paying off his gambling debts) and he got deeper into debt. 

He also never paid Tina back and she was depleting her and her husband's retirement savings. Her husband, Joe, told her to stop enabling Mike's behavior, but Tina wanted to help her son and she knew she would feel guilty if she didn't help him.

When Joe told Tina that he was angry that their retirement fund was getting depleted due to Mike's gambling problems, she understood that her efforts to "fix" her son's problems were having a devastating impact on her marriage and she sought help in therapy.

The work in therapy wasn't easy, but her therapist helped Tina to see the enmeshment with her son so she could switch from trying to "fix" him to being emotionally supportive (see my article: How to Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Family).

Tina was able to see that her behavior with her son had its roots in her dysfunctional family dynamic, especially her parents' codependent relationship. Whenever Tina's father was too hungover to go to work, her mother would call his manager and make excuses for his absences. Eventually, he was let go from his job and Tina's mother had to take two jobs to keep the family afloat.  

Several years after Tina's father lost his job, he was drinking more heavily than ever and he died due to an alcohol-related heart attack at the age of 40. After the father died, Tina's mother blamed herself for not being able to get her husband to stop drinking.

Tina wasn't aware of how she was affected by her parents' dynamic until she got into therapy and she realized she was trying, in vain, to rescue her 45 year old son--just like her mother tried, in vain, to rescue her father.

With a heavy heart, Tina refused to give Mike any more money the next time he came to her in desperation. At first, he pleaded with her and told her he would lose his home and his utilities would be turned off. 

This was especially difficult for Tina, but she realized that, in the long run, she couldn't try to "fix" his problem anymore because her efforts kept Mike from dealing with his gambling problem. She also didn't want to ruin her marriage.

When pleading didn't work, Mike became furious, cursed and threatened to cut her off. She responded by reminding him that he already owed her thousands of dollars. She also told him that she would be emotionally supportive of his getting help for his gambling problem.

Mike was too angry to respond to his mother and, after that talk, he disappeared from his parents' life for two years and he was unresponsive to their calls. Even though they knew they did what was best for Mike and for themselves, this estrangement was heartbreaking for Tina and Joe (see my article: Estrangement Between Parents and Adult Children).

In the meantime, Tina worked in therapy to deal with her own childhood trauma in therapy and the estrangement with her son.

A year later, when Mike contacted Tina and Joe again, he was in therapy, he was attending Gamblers Anonymous and he stopped gambling. He said his therapist was helping him to deal with the underlying issues related to his gambling. He told them that Tina's refusal to give him money was the best thing that ever happened to him because it forced him to confront his problems. 

As part of his making amends with his parents, Mike made a payment plan with them to pay back the money he owed them. They also worked together to develop a healthier family dynamic.

By that time, Tina and Joe's relationship had improved and they were looking forward to retirement in a few years.

Conclusion

It's very difficult to watch a loved one floundering without wanting to do something to help. 

The problem with trying to "fix" or rescue your loved one is that it's usually counterproductive and perpetuates your loved one's problem as well as your own.

Acknowledging and accepting that you can't "fix" anyone can help you to set boundaries so you can be emotionally supportive in a healthy way.

Get Help in Therapy

Trying to change a long-standing unhealthy pattern can be very difficult.

Get Help in Therapy

If you have tried on your own to change without success, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with these types of issues.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Overcoming Codependency: Focus on Yourself First

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships 

Overcoming Shame in an Enmeshed Family 

Intergenerational Dynamics 

Why "Happy Wife, Happy Life" Creates Problems in Relationships

When I work with couples who are trying to understand why their relationship isn't working, I often hear one partner say they don't understand why their relationship isn't working since they've done everything their partner wanted. 

"Happy Wife, Happy Life" Dynamic Creates Problems

Although the phrase "Happy Wife, Happy Life" assumes heterosexuality, the dynamics involved can apply to any relationship regardless of sexual identity, sexual orientation or any other identifiers.

Rather than using the words "wife" and "husband", I'm going to discuss these dynamics by referring to Partner A and Partner B: 

    Partner A is the person who tends to appease and sacrifice their own needs.

    Partner B is the one who expects to be appeased regardless of what Partner A really wants.

Where Did the Phrase "Happy Wife, Happy Life" Come From?

The phrase is a common cultural trope reflecting traditional gender roles where it's assumed that the wife's mood dictates the home's atmosphere.

Why "Happy Wife, Happy Life" Creates Problems in Relationships

The phrase "Happy Wife, Happy Life" creates problems in relationships because it suppresses emotions and honesty.

It also encourages avoiding conflict and truth to keep the peace. This often leads to emotional withdrawal and a false sense of harmony instead of a real emotional connection.

Here are the main problems:

• Fosters Codependency: Partner A's happiness and sense of self worth becomes tied to Partner B's mood with Partner A constantly appeasing and making sacrifices for Partner B (see my article: What's the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

• Creates Unequal Power: If Partner B's happiness is at the center of the relationship with Partner A catering to Partner B's whims, over time this will breed resentment and power struggles (see my article: Overcoming Power Struggles).

• Encourages Entitlement and Blame: Some partners who are in the role of Partner B can expect constant appeasement at the expense of Partner A's happiness. The implication is that if Partner A is unhappy, it's Partner A's own fault (see my article: Moving Beyond the Blame Game).

• Ignores Partner A's Needs and Autonomy: "Happy Wife, Happy Life" implies that Partner B's needs are more important than Partner A. This tends to damage both partners' happiness.

• Oversimplifies Relationship Dynamics: It oversimplifies relationship dynamics by reducing each partner to their role (the demanding Partner B and the appeasing Partner A) instead of individuals with their own unique needs.

How to Shift Out of the "Happy Wife, Happy Life" Mentality in Your Relationship

• Refocus on Both Partners' Happiness: Rather than focusing on one partner's happiness, refocus so that you and your partner are considering both of you.

Refocus on Both Partners' Happiness

• Shift From Avoidance to Engagement: Instead of seeing conflict as a threat, reframe conflict as an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection. This can foster emotional intimacy through understanding--not through silence and appeasement.

• From Self Centered Peace to Mutual Value: If you're in the role of the appeaser, recognize that your appeasement is probably driven by fear of upsetting your partner so your life will be peaceful. This isn't love. Love exists where both people feel valued and heard.  If you're in the role of having your way most of the time, recognize that your partner has needs too so seek a compromise.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Dan and Marie

When Dan and Marie sought help in couples therapy, they were already considering separating, but they decided to try couples therapy to see if they could save their marriage.

Dan explained that from the beginning of their relationship, he tried to make Marie happy by doing whatever she wanted. He said his father gave him advice before they got married, "Happy wife, happy life", and told Dan that if he made Marie happy, they would have a happy relationship.

Happy Wife, Happy Life Dynamic Creates Problems

Even though his father followed this advice in his own marriage with Dan's mother, they always seemed unhappy to Dan. They never discussed their relationship with Dan, but when he graduated high school, they sat down with him and told him they decided to get a divorce.  

At the time, Dan didn't question his parents, but he wasn't surprised.  Dan's father had become increasingly withdrawn over the years and Dan suspected that his parents were just waiting for him to graduate to end their relationship.

Marie told the couples therapist that she saw the same dynamic with Dan. He became  emotionally distant a few years into their marriage. She explained they hardly ever quarreled, but she often felt alone and lonely due to Dan's emotional withdrawal. She also indicated that she tried to talk to Dan about it but, even though he was aware of his withdrawal, he didn't know what was making him so unhappy in the relationship (see my article: Feeling Alone in a Relationship).

Both Marie and Dan agreed  that they stopped being interested in having sex a few years after they got married (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)

Marie explained that her father always prioritized her mother's needs over his own because he also believed in the "happy wife, happy life" philosophy.  Since her parents didn't believe in divorce, she knew they would stay together no matter what happened, but she didn't think either of them felt fulfilled in their relationship.

Their couples therapist knew they needed to work on creating emotional intimacy before dealing with their no-sex marriage.  So, she continued to explore the emotional dynamics in their relationship and she realized that Dan's belief that he had to appease Marie--even if it meant he was sacrificing his own needs--was a major problem in their relationship.

Their couples therapist helped Marie and Dan to understand the codependent nature of their relationship and helped them to take steps to change to a healthier interdependent dynamic.

It wasn't easy for them. It had been so long since Dan considered what he wanted that he had to work hard in therapy to identify his wants and needs.  Marie was also accustomed to having her way and making most of the decisions so, initially, she found it challenging too.

One major change they were facing was where they would move after they retired. Even though they were about 10 years away from making that decision, they both assumed they would move from New York to South Carolina after they retired because Marie had friends in SC. But when the couples therapist explored this decision with them, Dan and Marie realized this was something Marie wanted, but Dan was only going along with it to appease Marie.

Although Marie was disappointed, she didn't want Dan to be unhappy so they decided to compromise and consider other locations.

This was the beginning of Dan getting back in touch with his own needs and Marie realizing she needed to compromise.

Over time, as Dan asserted his needs and Marie became attuned to Dan, they were able to compromise more easily. Instead of being emotionally withdrawn, Dan became more emotionally present which allowed them to feel closer.

As they became closer emotionally, they also began to have sex again. At first, they were hesitant because it had been so long since they had sex, but as their emotional intimacy increased, they found their way back to each other sexually (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

It wasn't quick or easy, but by the time they completed couples therapy, they both felt more fulfilled in their relationship.

Conclusion

Regardless of sexual identity, sexual orientation orientation, age, race or any other identifiers, when one partner appeases the other while sacrificing their own needs, problems develop.

Refocus on Both Partners' Happiness

Learning to shift this unhealthy dynamic isn't easy, but the effort can often save a relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Even when both people are motivated to change relationship dynamics, they can find it challenging.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling to change your relationship, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist.

A skilled couples therapist can provide you with the tools and strategies to make changes so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR,  AEDP, Parts Work, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop Trying to Fix People and Focus on Yourself

A common problem I see in my psychotherapy private practice is clients who are trying hard to fix people instead of focusing on themselves (see my articles: Learn to Accept You Can't Control Your Loved Ones and Overcoming Codependency).

This might involve cheating, gambling, drinking, overspending and so on.

Focus on Yourself and Stop Trying to Fix People

There's no doubt these clients are really suffering and they want what's best for their loved ones, but their attempts to fix them often backfires for reasons I'll discuss in this article.

My Early Experiences as a Psychotherapist in Training in the Mid-1990s

First, I would like to focus on an important lesson I had to learn as a new therapist many years ago.

When I started training to be a psychotherapist in the mid-1990s, I had to learn an important lesson early on from my supervisor who understood I was empathetic towards my clients at the clinic, but who knew I was trying to fix them when that wasn't my role as a therapist. She said, "You're not in the business of 'fixing' people." 

Although I recognize this to be wise advice now, I had to adjust my thinking at the time. After all, I got into the mental health profession to help people, but I had to learn that trying to fix people wasn't part of my job.  

Instead, my job was to help clients develop insight and the ability to make changes--if they wanted to make changes.  

Within a short period of time, I learned that what I thought was the best course of action might not be what my clients wanted or needed--and it might not even be the best course of action. 

After all, who was I to say what was best for my clients?  I only saw them for an hour a week which isn't a lot of time compared to the rest of the time they lived their lives away from therapy.

In addition, they often knew what was best for them and they just needed the tools and strategies to get there.

All of this is to say that I understand from my own experience dating back to the mid-1990s how strong an impulse trying to fix others can be. 

I also know how humbling and sad it is to watch some clients make choices that, objectively, aren't good for them but, as adults, this is their right.

How to Stop Trying to Fix People

You might have the best intentions when you want to fix others, but you can't control the adults in your life--not your partner, friends, adult children or other loved ones.

Stop Trying to Fix People and Focus on Yourself

The only person you can change is yourself (see my article: Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself).

The following steps can help you if you think you might have a problem with trying to fix people:

• Awareness: The first step in trying to change a problem is awareness. Specifically, you could benefit from developing self awareness about how you go about trying to change people when they don't want to be changed. In addition, developing self awareness helps you to understand the impact your behavior might be having on the people you care about. If they're telling you they don't want your help to change, listening to them and learning is necessary (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Develop Self Awareness

• Acceptance: It's often hard to accept that you might be the one with the problem. This isn't to say that the person you would like to change doesn't also have a problem and that their problem might be having a negative impact on you. But it's important for you to accept that you can't control other people--even if you think it's for their own good (see my article: Awareness and Acceptance About What You Have Been in Denial About).

Acceptance

• Allow Others to Make Their Own Decisions: When you attempt to control others, even if they're willing to allow you to do it, you disempower them because you haven't allowed them to go through the necessary process to make lasting change, which could include overcoming denial and ambivalence. Even if you could control their change process, they might be going along with your advice just to appease you. But, since their decision hasn't come from deep inside them, the change they make to please you often isn't solid. A change that comes from their own internal motivation (instead of external pressure) is more likely to stick (see my article: Learn to Stop Interfering in Your Adult Children's Lives).

Allow Others to Make Their Own Decisions

• Focus on Yourself: Instead of focusing on how you can fix other people, focus on yourself. Many people who become involved in fixing others do it, in part, because they want an escape from their own problems. Be honest and ask yourself if there are personal issues you have been avoiding and begin to tackle those issues instead.

Focus on Yourself

• Make Your Own Decisions: Even though you might let go of trying to fix others, this doesn't mean that you can't make your own decisions about what's right for you. So, for instance, if your partner refuses to get help for alcoholism and you know it's having a negative impact on your life, you have the right to make a decision about what you want to do about it for yourself. This is often a lot harder for people than trying to fix a spouse, but it's the healthiest and most empowering path for yourself (see my article: Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes a Decision in Time).

Getting Help in Therapy

A pattern of trying to fix others often starts at an early age and it becomes a lifelong pattern of behavior.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with letting go of trying to fix and control others, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to develop the necessary tools and strategies to change (see my article: Why Do People Go to Therapy?)

Getting help in therapy to change this pattern of behavior can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to make changes (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?

Based on what I've observed among couples who come to see me in my psychotherapy practice in New York City, many people are confused about the difference betwen codependency and interdependency.

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

Due to this confusion, many people worry that any type of dependency is unhealtlhy.

So the focus of this article will be to define the difference between the two.

What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency in Relationships?

Interdependency is an essential part of a healthy relationship and codependency is an unhealthy.

    What is Codependency?

Codependency in a relationship involves one partner who is overly reliant on their partner and the partner, who is being relied upon, needs to be needed.  

As the word suggestions, in a codependent relationship both people are behaving in an unhealthy way. 

Codependency in Relationships

I'm emphasizing that codependency is a two-way street because many couples think that it's only the partner who is being overly reliant who is the one who is codependent. 

But since codependency is between two people, both partners, including the one who needs to be needed, are considered codependent.

For instance, a typical example that causes confusion in relationships is when one of the partners has a substance abuse problem and the other partner is sober. 

The partner who is abusing substances tends to be the one who is seen as the problem and the other partner is labeled as the healthy person.

However, based on the definition of codependency, if the sober partner needs to be needed, they're also behaving in a codependent way.

There might be many underlying reasons for their need to be needed including a need to feel they are in control of the relationship.

It's not unusual for the sober partner's role to become even more obviously codependent if the other person, who once abused substances, becomes sober and no longer wants to be overly reliant.  

This changes the dynamic between the couple and the partner who needs to be needed might not like the change because the newly sober partner might want to have more of a role in decision-making than what they had when they were actively abusing substances. 

But the other partner, who is used to being overly relied upon and in control, might not like giving up the role they had before.

    What Are the Signs of Codependency?

The following are some of the common signs of codependency:

• One partner has an excessive need to be taken care of by the other partner in an unhealthy way.

• One partner puts the other partner's needs above their own on a regular basis--sometimes to the detriment of their own well-being.

• The partner who is being relied on often worries needlessly about the other partner and loses focus of their own well-being.

Codependency in Relationships

• The partner who is being relied upon often makes decisions soley on the other partner's needs--even if those decisions have a negative effect on their own needs.

• One partner often feels that their self worth is nothing without their partner and they wouldn't survive without their partner.

• Some codependent relationships are based on trauma bonding (see my article: What is Trauma Bonding in Relationships?).

    What is Interdependency?

When you're in a interdependent relationship, you and your partner are your own individuals.  You each know that you're both separate individuals who are in a relationship together.

Interdependency involves each partner maintaining a balance between self and partner.  Under normal circumstances, neither partner is overly reliant on the other and neither partner needs to be needed or in control in the relationship.

    What Are the Signs of Interdependency?

• Under normal circumstances (meaning that neither of them is incapacitated by health concerns) both partners are able to take care of themselves as individuals while still maintaining a healthy relationship with each other.

• Both partners can be supportive of each other in a healthy way, but their dependence is not damaging to either one of them.

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

• Both partners have established emotional safety in the relationship for each other.

• Both partners are able to share their vulnerable feelings in a healthy way without being afraid their partner will leave them because they have established emotional safety.

• The relationship is based on individual personal growth as well as growth in the relationship (as opposed to trauma bonding).

• Both partners share in making decisions that affect them individually and as a couple.

What If You and Your Partner Aren't Sure If You Have a Codependent or Interdependent Relationship?

The term "codependent" is often misunderstood and misused.

Some people assume that any kind of dependence, even interdependence, is unhealthy. 

This is often because they might not have seen interdependence modeled for them when they were growing up. In addition, their own healthy need to be nurtured might have been demeaned and criticized by a parent who was uncomfortable showing affection (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

So, they assume that when they grow up, they're not supposed to have any emotional needs.

In other relationships where one partner tends to be anxiously attached and the other tends to be avoidantly attached, the avoidant partner might label the other partner's basic emotional needs as "codependent" when these needs are healthy (see my article: How Does Your Attachment Style Affect Your Relationship?).

The truth is we are all hardwired from birth to have our emotional needs met by a loving person. 

Although, as adults, we're better equipped to take care of ourselves, we still need love and emotional support from our loved ones.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner haven't been able to work out your problems, you could benefit from attending couples therapy (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples?).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop the necessary skills necessary for a healthy relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist who has the particular expertise to help you overcome your problems.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Codependency in a Relationship

Overcoming codependent behavior in your relationship can be challenging, but there are steps you can take to help with the process.

Overcoming Codependency in a Relationship

What is Codependency in a Relationship?

Let's start by defining codependency.

Codependency in a relationship means consistently prioritizing your partner's wants and needs over your own.

Someone who is in a codependent relationship often bases their moods on how their partner is feeling and behaving instead of being aware of how they feel as a separate person from their partner.

Overcoming Codependency in a Relationship

A pattern of codependent behavior can lead to:

• Disconnecting from one's own thoughts and feelings (in favor of your partner)
• Developing unhealthy relationship dynamics
• Decreasing one's sense of self worth and well-being

What Does Codependency Look Like in a Relationship?

One or more of the following traits or behaviors can indicate codependency in a relationship:

• Putting a partner's needs above one's own needs most of the time
• Sacrificing one's own well-being and self care in favor of a partner most of the time
• Lacking an individual identity outside the relationship
• Taking responsibility for a partner's well-being most of the time (instead of a partner taking responsibility for their own well-being)
• Choosing a partner to be "fixed" instead of focusing on oneself
• Developing a need to be in control of the relationship
• Recognizing and expressing emotions becomes more difficult over time because someone who is mostly focused on a partner can lose connection with their own thoughts and feelings
• Needing the other partner's approval to feel good about oneself
• Needing the other partner's validation to feel worthy and "good enough"
• Taking on too many responsibilities in the household where the partner has few, if any, responsibilities
• Avoiding conflict with a partner by "walking on eggshells" instead of trying to resolve conflict as problems arise
• Habitually making decisions for a partner in order to control or manage them
• Doing things one doesn't want to do to appease a partner 
• Remaining in a relationship that isn't fulfilling
• Exhibiting excessive concern for a partner's habits or behavior instead of focusing on one's own habits and behavior
• Fearing rejection or abandonment from a partner
• Tending to apologize or take the blame to avoid conflict
• Relying on a partner's mood to determine one's own mood
• Providing "solutions" and trying to "fix" a partner's problems when the partner just wants to vent (see my article: Overcoming the Need to Be Everyone's Caregiver)

What Causes Codependency in a Relationship?

One or more of the following characteristics can cause codependency in a relationship:

• A history of emotional or physical abuse or childhood emotional neglect
• Growing up with one or both parents who have a personality disorder, like borderline personality or narcissistic personality disorder
• Growing up with a parent who had alcohol or drug problems where the other parent over-functioned for the substance abusing parent
• Growing up with overprotective or controlling parents where one never learned as a child to set healthy boundaries with others
• Growing up with one or both emotionally inconsistent parents 
• Growing up with one or both parents abandoning the family or being an inconsistent presence
• Growing up with critical and/or bullying parents or siblings (see my article: The Role of the Family Scapegoat)
• Growing up in a family where one had to suppress one's own identity and needs
• Growing up in a family where one felt invisible and emotionally invalidated

What Does Healthy Dependency Look Like in a Relationship?

The following characteristics are indicative of healthy dependency in a relationship without sacrificing one's own needs, including: 

• Recognizing and stating one's own needs 
• Recognizing one's own need for emotional support and overcoming discomfort with asking for emotional support
• Feeling safe and comfortable expressing one's own needs to a partner
• Setting healthy boundaries with a partner by letting them know when they are asking for too much without feeling guilty about letting them know this

What Are Characteristics of Healthy Interdependency in a Relationship?

• Mutual reliance on each other but not being overly-reliant on a partner
• Having healthy boundaries
• Having a healthy sense of self outside the relationship (e.g., friendships and hobbies)
• Being able to self regulate emotions in a healthy way
• Being able to manage disappointments during disagreements in the relationship
• Being able to emotionally co-regulate in a healthy way without taking on a partner's emotions

Getting Help in Therapy

Codependency in a relationship can be difficult to overcome on your own, especially if you grew up in a codependent environment.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in couples therapy so you can have a healthier relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.