What is Emotional Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation is an essential part of being in a committed relationship.

Emotional Co-Regulation in a Relationship

The ability to be emotionally vulnerable enough to turn to your partner and allow your partner to turn to you for emotional support is an important skill that many couples struggle with in their relationship.

What is Emotional Self Regulation?

In order to understand emotional co-regulation, it's important to understand how emotional self regulation develops.

Emotional self regulation is the ability to manage thoughts and emotions in a healthy way.

Emotional Self Regulation

The emotional self regulation process begins in infancy with a nurturing caregiver who provides stable and consistent care and support for the baby.

Emotional self regulation develops over time with a caregiver who can manage their own emotions and helps the baby to manage theirs.

For instance, when a baby cries, their caregiver is there to pick up and soothe the baby by holding them, speaking to them in a soothing voice and taking care of their basic physical and emotional needs so the baby calms down and feels secure.

When a crying baby is soothed by a caregiver, the baby becomes aware over time that their caregiver is there to help them manage their emotions.  Even though the a baby has no explicit thoughts or words to express this awareness, they internalize the sense of feeling comforted.

In other words, if the baby experiences the caregiver as being consistent in providing care and nurturance, the baby has an implicit sense of being loved and cared for by the caregiver.  They internalize the sense that the caregiver will be there for them when they are in distress as well as when they're feeling good.

To paraphrase Donald Winnicott, the British psychoanalyst and pediatrician, the caregiver doesn't need to be perfect--just "good enough" to help the baby to develop physically, emotionally and psychologically.

A Caregiver Soothes Her Distressed Infant

Under good enough circumstances, this child will develop a secure attachment to the caregiver.  

Other circumstances can develop over time which can challenge secure attachment, including childhood trauma, caregiver trauma, and so on.  

For instance, if the child becomes overwhelmed by ongoing physical or emotional neglect, the child can develop insecure attachment with the caregiver, which has negative implications for relationships with others, including adult relationships when this child becomes an adult.

For the purposes of understanding how emotional self regulation works, let's assume that circumstances are good enough and this securely attached relationship with the caretaker enables the child to develop a healthy foundation for emotional self regulation skills. 

Aside from providing a warm and responsive relationship, a nurturing caregiver also provides the child with a stable and safe home environment.  

The caregiver, who is able to manage their own emotions, also models self regulation skills for the child as the child becomes older and more aware of the caregiver's emotions.

When the child is overwhelmed, the caregiver uses their own emotional regulation skills to soothe the child. This allows the child to internalize a sense that even big emotions can be managed with the caregiver's help.  This is co-regulation between the caregiver and the child.

This secure foundation, in turn, helps this individual to develop other healthy relationships as they mature into adulthood.  

What is Emotional Co-Regulation?

Humans are hard-wired from birth for attachment throughout the life cycle.

Someone who developed healthy emotional self regulation with their caregiver still needs other close relationships to fulfill their emotional needs.

Over time, an individual, who is able to form relationships with other relatives, friends, mentors, coaches, psychotherapists, romantic relationships and other adult relationships, can have these emotional needs fulfilled.

Examples of Emotional Co-Regulation

Adult emotional co-regulation can take many forms, including

• Getting together with a buddy to talk about something upsetting
• Talking to a business mentor about a problem at work
• Seeking help in therapy to deal with an unresolved problem
• Talking to their pastor or rabbi for emotional support and advice
• Seeking emotional support and advice from an older sibling about a problem
• Seeking emotional support from a partner or spouse about a problem, including problems in their relationship.

Turning to Your Partner for Emotional Co-Regulation

The examples above show how, even when someone knows how to self regulate, emotional co-regulation can occur in many circumstances with friends, mentors, relatives, religious leaders, therapists and partners when self regulation isn't enough.

Most people would agree that when you're in a committed relationship, you also want to be able to turn to your partner and allow your partner to turn to you for emotional co-regulation.  

Yet, emotional co-regulation with a partner or spouse is very difficult for many people because they struggle to be vulnerable with their partner (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability is a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

This is especially true for individuals who have an insecure attachment style where they didn't have good enough experiences with their primary caregiver or where other traumatic circumstances occurred that makes it hard for them to trust enough to be vulnerable.

Next Article

In the next article I'll focus emotional co-regulation in relationships, including overcoming an ongoing negative cycle in your relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Even the most well adjusted individual can encounter circumstances that are so stressful that they are beyond their ability to cope.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop the necessary skills to work through your problems so you can lead a more meaningful life (see my article: Managing Your Emotions While Working Through Psychological Trauma).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.