What is Self Awareness and Why Is It Important For You and Your Relationships?

What is Self Awareness?

Self awareness is the conscious ability to recognize and understand your own emotions, thoughts, behaviors, strengths and weaknesses (see my article: What is Self Reflecting Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Developing Self Awareness

Self awareness involves objectively evaluating your character and recognizing how your actions and personality affect yourself and others.  Self awareness acts as the basis for Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

What Are the Core Components of Self Awareness?

• Internal Self Awareness: Understanding your own inner emotional wants and needs, values, passions, aspirations and emotional reactions

• External Awareness: Recognizing how you are perceived by others and understanding the impact of your actions on them 

• Objective Focus: The ability to monitor yourself as if you were another person by focusing on the reality of your behavior rather than on a self created story

Why Does Self Awareness Matter?

• Enhanced Emotional Control: Recognizing your emotions helps you to manage them effectively

Developing Self Awareness

• Better Relationships: Understanding your impact on others helps improves interpersonal connections

• Personal Growth: Identifying strengths and weaknesses fosters a growth mindset and increased self esteem

What Are the Signs of Low Self Awareness?

Some of the signs of low self awareness include:

• Lack of Reflection: Rarely thinking about your own thoughts, feelings, behavior or motivations 

• Limited Emotional Vocabulary: Describing feelings as only "good" or "bad" or in some other vague way that make it difficult to understand, process or communicate your feelings

• Poor Emotional Regulation: Experiencing intense, sudden emotional outbursts or being unable to identify and manage your own triggers

• Defensiveness and Accountability Deficits: Responding to feedback with anger or excuses rather than reflection and taking responsibility for mistakes

• "Blind Spots" and Poor Perspective: An inability to "read the room" or to recognize how your behavior affects others (see my article: Overcoming Your Emotional Blind Spots)

• Arrogance and Over-Reliance on External Validation: Holding a distorted or overly positive view of yourself while needing to be the center of attention (i.e. a need for a lot of external validation) and always needing to be "right"

• Boundary Crossing: Consistently crossing or pushing other people's boundaries (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt)

What Are the Consequences of Low Self Awareness?

While you might struggle to understand why your actions aren't getting you the results you want, low self awareness often leads to:

• Fractured relationships
• Poor decision-making
• High levels of anxiety and frustration 

How to Develop Better Self Awareness

• Get Curious: Get curious about your own thoughts, feelings and behavior and what motivates you (see my article: How to Develop a Curious Mindset)

• Practice Mindfulness: Be fully present and aware of your thoughts and feelings in the moment

• Seek Feedback: Ask trusted friends and family members for their perspective on your behavior

Developing Self Awareness

• Journaling: Reflect on your thoughts, feelings and behavior in a journal

• Asking Yourself "Why": Analyze the underlying reasons behind your behavior and your decisions and ask why you feel and think the way you do

How Can Therapy Help You to Develop Increased Self Awareness?

Psychotherapy, especially Experiential Therapy, provides a safe space for you to boost your self awareness:

• A Safe Reflection Space: The therapist can offer a "mirror", providing objective feedback that helps you to see blind spots and helps you to see how your behavior affects you and others.

• Identifying Unconscious Patterns: Therapy can help you to identify recurring unconscious thoughts, feelings and behavior that influence your life which helps you to move from automatic reactions to conscious choices.

Developing Self Awareness

• Exploring Emotions and Triggers: You can learn to identify, label and understand the root causes of your emotional responses, including stress and anger, using tools like the Wheel of Emotions or other similar methods.

• Mindfulness Techniques: Mindfulness in therapy encourages you to be present and notice your thoughts and behavior in the here-and-now without judgment, which helps you to understand your inner world and manage your responses.

• Uncovering Core Beliefs: By exploring past experiences and current perceptions, you can uncover deep-seated beliefs and values that drive your behavior.

• Visualizing Your Inner World: Experiential Therapy, like Internal Family Systems (IFS), can help you to explore your desires, fears, needs and goals (see my article: How Does Imagery and Imagination Enchance Psychotherapy?).

Getting Help in Therapy

A lack of self awareness often occurs because adults weren't taught about emotional intelligence when they were children. 

Their parents didn't help them to name, validate and manage emotions in their daily life. 

Getting Help in Therapy

This often occurs because these parents weren't taught these skills as children, so they grew up to be adults lacking in self awareness.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop emotional intelligence which will increase your self awareness and your awareness of others. 

By developing better self awareness, you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the year.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me

How Does Somatic Experiencing (SE) Process Emotions?

In my recent articles I've been exploring how the different types of Experiential Therapies, like AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and EMDR process emotions.

Processing Emotions with Somatic Experiencing

In the current article I'm focusing on how Somatic Experiencing, also known as SE, processes emotions (see my article: Somatic Experiencing: A Mind-Body Oriented Therapy).

Somatic Experiencing was developed by Peter Levine in the 1970s. Like many other types of Experiential Therapies, SE was developed to address the limitations of traditional psychotherapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Psychotherapy to Resolve Trauma?).

How Does Somatic Experiencing Process Emotions?

Somatic Experiencing processes emotions by focusing on bodily sensations (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: What is Somatic Awareness?)).

Processing Emotions with Somatic Experiencing

Like other types of Experiential Therapy, Somatic Experiencing is a "bottom up" rather than a "top down" approach (see my article: What is the Difference Between a "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approach to Trauma Therapy?)

Clients are guided by their SE therapist to safely notice, feel and release tension related to trauma. This allows the nervous system to complete the interrupted stress response related to the trauma. These releases are often subtle.

What Are the Key Processes in SE to Process Emotions?

The key processes in SE include:

• A "Bottom Up" Approach: As mentioned above, instead of analyzing emotions, which is the usual way in traditional talk therapy, SE focuses on physical sensations to access and resolve underlying emotional experiences. These physical sensations might include tightness, warmth or pressure (to name a few).

Somatic Experiencing and Resourcing

• Resourcing: Prior to processing traumatic emotions, the client learns to develop a felt sense of calm and safety that can be accessed during times of activation related to processing the trauma (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

• Titration: Titration involves breaking down overwhelming traumatic memories into manageable pieces to avoid retraumatization during processing.

• Pendulation: Pendulation is shifting back and forth from a state of calm and safety to a state of discomfort related to the unresolved trauma.  This allows the nervous system to process traumatic emotions without being overwhelmed (see my article: Coping With Emotional Distress By Using the SE Technique of Pendulation).

• Discharging: As trapped energy related to the trauma is released, the client might experience physical sensations (e.g., heat). These sensations are often subtle.

Conclusion

Somatic Experiencing allows clients to process traumatic emotions and shift from a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response into a state of self regulation and relief.

I have been using Somatic Experiencing with clients regularly since 2011 and I have found that SE often combines well with other types of Experiential Therapy, like AEDP, EMDR and Parts Work.

Getting Help With Somatic Experiencing

If you feel stuck with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is also an SE practitioner.

Getting Help With Somatic Experiencing

Freeing yourself from unresolved trauma can allow you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What Are the Therapeutic Benefits of Somatic Experiencing?  

What Does Processing Emotions Mean? 

How Are Emotions Processed in Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)?  

How Are Emotions Processed in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy?  

How Are Emotions Processed in Parts Work (IFS and Ego States) Therapy? 

What is the Life Cycle of an Emotion?

What's the Difference Between Emotional Regulation and Controlling Your Emotions?

I've written about emotional regulation in prior articles (see the links listed at the end of this article).

What's the Difference Between Emotional Regulation and Controlling Your Emotions?

Many clients have asked me this question, especially clients who are learning how to identify and express their emotions (see my article: Alexithymia - Also Known as Emotional Blindness).

Emotional Regulation vs Controlling Your Emotions

Emotional regulation is the healthy process of identifying, feeling and expressing your emotions without being overwhelmed or overwhelming others.

Controlling your emotions involves forcefully suppressing or hiding emotions which often stems from shame. Controlling your emotions usually leads to long term stress which, in turn, can turn into medical problems including headaches, irritable bowel syndrome, hypertension and other stress-related physical problems.

Whereas when you regulate your emotions, you are doing it with self awareness, controlling your emotions is a restrictive, temporary fix.

Core Differences Between Emotional Regulation and Controlling Your Emotions:

• Approach: Emotional regulation acknowledges and accepts your emotions. This allows you to experience them so you can choose a balanced reaction. Conversely, control involves denying, suppressing or forcefully pushing away emotions. 

• Goal: The goal of emotional regulation is to process, learn from and move through emotions in a. healthy way. The goal of control is to minimize or eliminate the outward expression emotions to avoid vulnerability and appear to be "strong". As part of emotional regulation, you also recognize that emotions have a natural life cycle that last about 90 seconds if you don't feed them by ruminating, overanalyzing and continuing to tell yourself negative stories about them (see my article: Managing Your Emotions: What is the Life Cycle of an Emotion?).

Emotional Regulation vs Controlling Your Emotions

• Impact on Self: Whereas emotional regulation builds self compassion and mental health, control often leads to increased anxiety, including panic attacks, shame and physical stress.

• Flexibility vs Rigidity: Emotional regulation is adaptive and flexible, which allows emotional expression that is appropriate to the situation. Control is rigid, which often leads to a limited range of expressed emotions. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrate the difference between emotional regulation and controlling emotions:

Tom

When he was a boy, Tom would get punished by his parents if he cried. They told Tom that "boys don't cry" and punished him whenever he showed any signs of sadness--even when he was a young child.

Neither of Tom's parents showed any signs of sadness or grief. The only emotion they expressed was anger.

When the family dog died, they remained stoic and discouraged Tom from expressing sadness or grief--even though the dog was Tom's constant companion from the time he was a toddler.

As an adult, when Tom got into a serious relationship, his girlfriend, Ann, asked him why he hardly ever showed any emotions except anger. She told him she often felt alone with her feelings because Tom was so aloof.  She also pointed out that Tom's body seemed so rigid and she was concerned for his physical health.

Tom didn't respond immediately to what Ann said, but he began to reflect on her words. He decided to talk to a mental health professional about it.

Tom's therapist talked to him about the difference between emotional regulation and controlling his emotions. After she asked him about his family history, she helped Tom to make the connection between how his parents suppressed their emotions, how they discouraged his expression of emotions and how he also learned to suppress emotions.

The work was challenging for Tom because his usual way of handling uncomfortable emotions was to suppress them, but in therapy he gradually learned how to identify and express his emotions in a healthy way.

Initially, he felt like he was doing something wrong, especially when he allowed himself to feel sadness. He could hear his parents voices in his head saying "Boys don't cry". But he realized that uncomfortable emotions are like waves--they ascend, peak and subside eventually. He also realized that he felt much better when he allowed his emotions to release.

Over time, Ann noticed the difference in Tom and she felt much closer to him.  Tom also felt closer to Ann and more relaxed with himself.

Conclusion

Managing your emotions is part of developing emotional intelligence which is essential for your own well-being as well as maintaining healthy relationships.

Emotional Regulation vs Controlling Your Emotions

If you're having problems with emotional regulation, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to develop emotional regulation skills.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Emotional Regulation: How Do You Know What You Need When You Feel Emotionally Distressed?

What's the Difference Between Emotional Co-regulation and Self Regulation?

What's the Difference Between Feeling Calm and Being Emotionally Numb?

How to Manage Your Emotions Without Suppressing Them  

Managing Your Emotions While Working Through Trauma 

Coping With Alexithymia - Also Known as Emotional Blindness

What is Alexithymia?

Alexithymia is a personality trait where a person has difficulty experiencing, identifying, understanding and expressing emotions.

Coping With Alexithymia

Alexithymia is also known as "emotional blindness".

Alexithymia is on a spectrum representing a personality trait with varying degrees of severity rather than a binary "yes" or "no" trait.

Individuals can range from low to high in alexithymic traits. 

These traits can include:

• Difficulties with emotional regulation

• Reduced imagination

• Externally oriented thinking

Alexithymia is a personality trait rather than a mental health diagnosis.  

Alexithymia is common among people who are neurodivergent (autism and ADHD).

What Causes Alexithymia?

Alexithymia can be influenced by several factors:

• Genetics

• Past experiences

• Certain psychiatric disorders and medical conditions including:
• Depression

• Anxiety

• Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

• Adverse childhood experiences (trauma)

• Autism

• ADHD

• Eating Disorders

• Parkinson's

• Stroke

• Dementia

• Multiple Sclerosis

• Inflammatory Bowel Syndrome (IBS)

• Diabetes 

• Asthma

• Hypertension and cardiovascular disorders

• Chronic pain

• Fibromyalgia 

• Hormonal abnormalities

• Substance abuse, which is linked to an inability to process emotions

About 10-13% of the population has this personality trait with more men experiencing it than women.

People with alexithymia have a hard time understanding and expressing their emotions. This affects the way they relate to others. As a result, relationships often suffer because their limited ability to express their emotions stifles communicate with others (see below:Understanding How Alexithymia Affects Relationships).

People with alexithymia also have difficulty sensing the physical sensations that accompany their emotions (see my article: Learning to Sense Emotions in Your Body).

Understanding the Genetic Component of Alexithymia

Studies indicate that there is a genetic component to alexithymia. One study found there is a higher degree of alexithymia among first-degree relatives.

Understanding the Environmental Component of Alexithymia

People who have experienced childhood abuse or neglect can develop alexithymia and have difficulty processing their emotions. Brain injuries can also contribute to alexithymia.

Understanding How Alexithymia Affects Relationships

It can be difficult to form and maintain emotional bonds for individuals who have alexithymia. 

People who have alexithymia tend to focus externally rather than on their internal state. 

Partners might feel ignored, abandoned or unloved due to their partner's low emotional responsiveness. This can make it difficult to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts. Partners can feel that they are with someone who is "robotic" which can lead to a superficial or distant relationship. 

In addition, since people with alexithymia also have problems reading other people's emotions, their partners might feel they are uncaring--even when the person with alexithymia cares deeply for them.

The partner can feel like they're alone because the person with alexithymia can have a hard time providing emotional support or emotional validation

With regard to sex, emotional detachment related to alexithymia often leads to a decline in sexual intimacy (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

How to Address Alexithymia

Alexithymia can create a barrier to traditional psychotherapy because, as previously mentioned, individuals with alexithymia have difficulty experiencing, identifying, understanding and expressing their emotions.

Coping With Alexithymia

Emotional difficulties often present as physical complaints rather than emotional distress. 

Somatic oriented therapy, like Somatic Experiencing and other Experiential Therapies that focus on sensations in the body can help.  

Helping clients to develop somatic awareness can be helpful, 

Experiential therapists can ask clients, "What are you sensing in your body right now?" instead of "What are you feeling?"

A mindfulness practice can also help clients to develop somatic awareness related to emotions.

What Are the Therapeutic Goals For Alexithymia?

There is no "quick fix" for alexithymia since it's a personality trait and not a curable disease.

While there is no "cure" for alexithymia, it also doesn't have to be a lifelong problem.

Psychotherapy for alexithymia needs to have a bottom up approach (see my article: What is the Difference Between Top Down and Bottom Up Approaches to Therapy?).

The therapeutic goals include:

• Building the capacity to accurately perceive internal body sensations (also known as interoceptive awareness) and connect these sensations to emotions.

• Affective education which can help to connect physical sensations to emotions. For example, a tightness in the chest can be linked to anxiety (see my article: How to Use the Wheel of Emotion).

• Shifting from external-oriented thinking to recognizing inner emotional experiences.

• An experiential bottom up approach can be effective in improving emotional processing.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Emotional Regulation: How Do You Know What You Need When You Feel Emotionally Dysregulated?

Many people who would like to be more emotionally regulated don't understand what they need when they feel upset (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions).

Emotional Regulation

This is understandable because when you are sufficiently upset, the part of your brain that allows you to reason (the prefrontal cortex) is often "off line". 

The more reactive part of your brain, the amygdala, gets into a fight or flight mode so that you  can't think your way into knowing what you need.

When you feel emotionally overwhelmed, here are some tips on what can be helpful:

• Pause and Slow Down: Whether you do this by using a breathing exercise, grounding exercise or a mindfulness meditation, pausing and slowing down helps you to calm down so you can think about what you need.

Emotional Regulation

• Try the 5-4-3-2-1 Technique: Name 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. This helps you to stop spiraling so you can get back to feeling like yourself again.

• Pick a Color: If the 5-4-3-2-1 technique feels like too much in the moment, you can choose a color, like the color blue and look around the room and name all the things you see that are blue. This is an even simpler way to calm yourself. It also helps to orient you to your environment.

• Try the Butterfly Tapping Technique: Another way to calm yourself is to use Butterfly Tapping:
• Sit comfortably, cross your arms over your chest and rest your hands on your upper arms or shoulders. 

• Give yourself alternating gentle taps on your upper arms or shoulder (right then left) in a slow rhythmic motion for 1-3 minutes or until you feel calmer.  This helps to reduce stress (see my article: Self Soothing with the Butterfly Hug).

• Tune Into Your Body and Ask Yourself: "What do I need?"
• What emotions are you feeling and where do you feel it in your body?

Emotional Regulation

• Are you angry?  If so, what are you angry about? What do you need to feel safe?

• Are you afraid? If so, what are you afraid about? What do you need to feel safe?

• Are you lonely? If so, who can you contact to make a meaningful connection? This can also be a connection with a pet.

• Practice Slowing Down With Low Stakes Situations: When you're learning to regulate yourself, practice slowing down with low stakes situations before you try to tackle more high stakes triggers.

Get Help in Therapy

Sometimes self help tips aren't enough and you might need professional help to learn to regulate yourself emotionally.

Get Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health professional can help you to get to the root of your problems so you can overcome the underlying problems that are triggering you.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist with over 25 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How to Develop Emotional Safety in Your Relationship

Emotional safety is an essential part of any relationship.

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

What is Emotional Safety?

Let's start by defining emotional safety.

Emotional safety is an embodied sense that you can be your true self without fear of judgment, rejection or retaliation. 

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

When you feel safe emotionally, your nervous system is calm. You're not in a state of fear. You feel open and comfortable with yourself and with your partner.

Emotional safety is the foundation of a healthy relationships and allows you to share your emotional needs.

Emotional safety also allows you to admit your mistakes because you feel respected and valued by your partner.

If you're in a relationship, you feel heard and validated for your feelings. Even when your partner might not feel the same way, they can understand why you feel like you do.

What Are the Key Elements of Emotional Safety?

• Vulnerability: As previously mentioned, you feel secure enough to talk about difficult topics, fears and insecurities without anticipating a negative reaction (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy).

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

• Non-judgment: When expressed in a healthy way, your feelings are treated as being understandable as opposed to being "too much" or "wrong".

• Consistency: Being able to predict how your partner will respond helps your nervous system to relax rather than going into a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response.

• Healthy Boundaries: You're able to set healthy boundaries with your partner without your partner making you feel guilty or lashing out.

Why Does Emotional Safety Matter in a Relationship?

When you feel safe in your relationship, you can regulate your emotions and stay emotionally engaged with your partner. 

Emotional Safety in a Relationship

If you don't have emotional safety, you might feel hypervigilant, anxious or an urge to "walk on eggshells" to avoid conflict with your partner.

How Can You Build Emotional Safety in Your Relationship?

To build emotional safety, it's important to:

• Get Curious and Listen: Get curious and listen to your partner to understand rather than to defend or"fix" them (see my article: What is Active Listening?).

• Validate Each Other's Feelings: Acknowledge your partner's feelings--even if you don't agree or you don't feel the same way.

• Be Transparent: Make sure your actions match your words to build trust.

• Make Repairs: Own your mistakes in a timely manner and make an effort to reconnect with your partner.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

There are times when one or both partners have problems establishing and maintaining emotional safety due to prior traumatic experiences either as a child or in prior adult relationships (see my article: How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Feel Safe?).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If emotional safety is an issue in your relationship, you and your partner could benefit from working with a couples therapist experienced in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (also known as EFT) can help you and your partner understand both of your unmet attachment needs and change negative dynamics in your relationship that keep you both stuck.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in EFT couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship 

Recognizing When You Feel Unsafe in Interpersonal Relationships

What Are the 4 Cs of the Attachment Behavioral System?