Emotional Regulation: What is the Difference Between Being Calm and Being Emotionally Numb?

Over the years, working with clients who have unresolved trauma, I have discovered that many people don't understand the difference between being calm and being emotionally numb (see my article: What is Emotional Regulation?).

Emotional Regulation: Calmness vs Emotional Numbing

Many clients who meditate on a regular basis often think they're calm when, in reality, they're emotionally numb. 

So, I think it's worthwhile to provide information about the difference between being calm and being numb in the current article (see my article: How to Manage Emotions Without Suppressing Them).

What is the Difference Between Being Calm and Being Emotionally Numb?

There is a big difference between the state of being calm and the state of being emotionally numb:

Calmness:

• A conscious effort to relax, center and ground yourself

Calmness

• A state of peace and serenity
• An ability to be aware, acknowledge and manage emotions in an healthy way

Emotional Numbness:

• A unconscious coping mechanism to avoid overwhelming emotions
• A feeling of being emotionally detached, shut down, empty
• An inability to feel positive or negative emotions 

Emotional Numbness

• An experience of physical and/or emotional flatness
• The potential to lose interest in people and activities that were enjoyable before
• An impaired ability to fully participate in life
• A usual preference for being alone rather than being with others

Note: You don't have to experience all of these symptoms to be emotionally numb.

What Causes Emotional Numbness?

Emotional numbness is usually an unconscious strategy or defense mechanism for coping with overwhelming emotion.

Emotional numbing can develop at any time in life. 

It often develops at an early age when children are in situations that are emotionally overwhelming (e.g., chaotic home life, emotional and/or physical abuse and so on).

Emotional Numbness

Although this unconscious strategy can help a child to survive in an emotionally unhealthy environment because they don't get too overwhelmed, it becomes a hindrance when these children become adults.

As adults, these individuals often have difficulty knowing what they feel about themselves and others. They might also experience difficulty connecting emotionally with others so that even if part of them wants to connect with others, another part of them is afraid.  

These internal parts tend to create conflict between their desire and their dread for connection (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

As mentioned earlier, unresolved trauma often plays of significant role for people who are emotionally numb.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how emotional numbness creates problems in a relationship and how trauma therapy can help:

Alexa

During the early stage of Alexa's relationship with Jim, she enjoyed getting to know him and spending time with him.

Problems developed after the honeymoon stage of their relationship.

Alexa and Jim

Prior to that, Alexa was aware of her emotions. She also enjoyed sex with Jim.  

However, after the initial stage of their relationship, as they became more emotionally intimate, Alexa felt emotionally and physically flat. She also felt disconnected from Jim.

After she sought help in trauma therapy, Alexa became aware of how her early history of emotional neglect and sexual abuse affected her ability to be emotionally and sexually available with Jim.

Her family history included growing up with parents who were emotionally distant from her. 

In addition, from the age of 10-13, she was sexually abused by her father's brother who took care of Alexa when her parents went out in the evenings.

Whenever her uncle came into her bedroom at night and fondled her, Alexa would freeze and dissociate (i.e., zone out).

In other words, she would become emotionally numb as an unconscious way to protect herself from being overwhelmed by the abuse.

Even when Alexa told her parents about the uncle's sexual abuse, they didn't know how to deal with it because they were intimidated by the father's brother because he was the  oldest brother and he tended to dominate Alexa's father.

As a result, although her parents stopped asking the uncle to take care of Alexa, they never confronted him, so he faced no consequences for the abuse. 

It wasn't until the uncle abused his neighbors' young daughter that he faced legal consequences after his neighbors reported him to the police and he was arrested. 

During her trauma therapy, Alexa processed her unresolved trauma with a combination of EMDR Therapy,  Somatic Experiencing and Parts Work Therapy.

The work involved the abuse by the uncle as well as her parents' neglect.

The work was neither quick nor easy but, over time, Alexa processed the trauma and she was able to be more emotionally self aware and present with Jim.  

Alexa and Jim also sought help in sex therapy to help them both to overcome their sexual problems so they could enjoy sex again.

Conclusion

There is a big difference between being calm and being emotionally numb.

Emotional numbness is often a survival strategy to ward off overwhelming emotions related to unresolved trauma.

Trauma therapy can help clients to work through unresolved trauma. 

Everyone is different in terms of how they process trauma. 

How long trauma therapy takes often depends on many factors, including the depth and complexity of the trauma as well as a client's internal resources and ability to process the trauma.

When there is a history of sexual abuse which affects a relationship, sex therapy is often helpful to assist clients to connect emotionally and sexually in a way that feels safe and pleasurable for both of them (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the training and expertise to help you.

Working through trauma helps to free you from your history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many clients to overcome trauma, including sexually related trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Stop Stonewalling

I've discussed stonewalling in prior articles as part of a series on how couples can improve communication in their relationship.

See My Prior Articles: 

Relationships: Are You a Stonewaller?

Improving Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Change a Pattern of Defensive Behavior

How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing?

What is Stonewalling?

As a quick review: Stonewalling involves shutting down and withdrawing from a conflict or conversation.

Stonewalling in a Relationship

Stonewalling can be intentional or unintentional. A lot of times it's unintentional (see the section below: Why Do People Engage in Stonewalling?).

It doesn't only involve physically removing yourself from the discussion.  You can remain with your partner and still engage in stonewalling by shutting down emotionally, mentally and physically.

Why Do People Engage in Stonewalling?

As mentioned above, stonewalling can be intentional or unintentional.

Although it might seem that you are engaging in stonewalling as a way to annoy each other, unintentional stonewalling often occurs because one or both partners are overwhelmed.

Stonewalling in a Relationship

When someone is flooded with emotion, they might withdraw emotionally, mentally and energetically because the experience is too much.  

On the surface, they might appear calm, but the internal experience is usually one of emotional overwhelm.

So, if either of you are overwhelmed, there's no sense in continuing with the conversation by insisting that the overwhelmed partner continue to talk. 

It's better to take a break and return to the conversation once both of you are emotionally regulated.

What is the Difference Between Verbal and Nonverbal Stonewalling?

Verbal stonewalling can involve:

• Giving your partner the "silent treatment"
• Responding to your partner with one word or two word answers
• Changing the subject
• Being dismissive
• Being accusatory
• Responding with an aggressive tone to end the conversation

Nonverbal stonewalling can involve:

• Walking away
• Eye rolling, which is a form of contempt towards your partner
• Distracting yourself with your phone as a conscious or unconscious attempt to distract yourself or end the conversation

Why is a Pattern of Stonewalling Damaging to a Relationship?

It's not unusual for couples to engage in occasional stonewalling, especially if one or both of them are overwhelmed by the conversation. But a pattern of stonewalling in a relationship is another matter.

A pattern of stonewalling is damaging because: 

• Problems don't get resolved.
• The partner who is trying to discuss the problem can feel disrespected.
• A pattern of stonewalling can create distance between partners over time which usually has a negative effect on emotional and sexual intimacy.

How to Stop Stonewalling

If you're the one who tends to stonewall, you can learn to stop this destructive pattern by:

• Becoming Aware of Your Emotional, Physical or Mental State in the Moment: Ideally, become aware that you're about to physically, emotionally and/or mentally withdraw before you stonewall. Initially, it might be hard to recognize the physical, emotional or mental cues, so you might start by recognizing you're doing it while you're doing it or your partner points it out to you. Then, as the next step in developing your awareness, you can work on recognizing it before you stonewall. 

• Communicating With Your Partner: Instead of stonewalling, tell your partner what's happening for you in the moment.  You can say something as simple as, "I feel myself shutting down and I need a break. We can resume talking about this in an hour" or "I'm getting overwhelmed. Can we take a break and resume this in half an hour?" (or however much time you might need).  Make sure you don't leave your partner hanging without letting them know that you need a break.

Practice Emotional Self Regulation

• Taking Steps to Practice Emotional Self Regulation: You might be angry or sad about what your partner is communicating to you. It's okay to have your own feelings about what's happening, but you need to practice self regulation to manage your emotions in terms of how you respond to your partner. Aside from taking a break, this could also mean doing a breathing exercise, going for a walk (letting your partner know first) or doing what you need to do to practice healthy self regulation.

What to Do If You're the Partner Who is Being Stonewalled

Being stonewalled by your partner is an unpleasant experience (to say the least), especially if your partner does this frequently.

There are some things you can do to help yourself and your partner including:

• Allowing Yourself and Your Partner to Take a Break: If your partner says they need a break, respect that. Don't keep trying to engage your partner if it's clear they're overwhelmed. The situation will only get worse if you insist on your partner continuing to engage after they are overwhelmed. Also recognize your own signs of being overwhelmed because you might be so focused on making a point or getting your partner to listen to you that you don't recognize your own signs of being overwhelmed.  Don't keep talking to your partner as if you're both in a competition with each other.  

• Practicing Empathy and Compassion For Yourself and Your Partner: Sometimes when people are engaged in a conflict, they forget that they're arguing with the same person that they love. So, practice empathy and compassion for yourself and your partner. 

Get Help in Therapy

As mentioned above, a pattern of stonewalling can destroy a relationship.  

Even if a couple stays together, resentment can build up over time as problems remain unresolved and this can affect the couple emotionally and sexually.

Get Help in Therapy

Seek help in individual or couples therapy to work on issues involving stonewalling.  

A pattern of stonewalling can be rooted in your early history where you observed one or both of your parents engaging in stonewalling or you saw that their conflicts were not resolved.

In addition, you might not have learned how to regulate your emotions, which can make it challenging when you're in a heated discussion with your partner, but this is a skill you can learn.

A skilled individual or couples therapist can help you to overcome the problem of stonewalling so that you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I provide both in person therapy in my Greenwich Village office or online therapy (as of this writing, due to licensing laws, if you want to do online therapy, you must be a resident of New York State, which is the state where I am licensed).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Emotional Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation is an essential part of being in a committed relationship.

Emotional Co-Regulation in a Relationship

The ability to be emotionally vulnerable enough to turn to your partner and allow your partner to turn to you for emotional support is an important skill that many couples struggle with in their relationship.

What is Emotional Self Regulation?

In order to understand emotional co-regulation, it's important to understand how emotional self regulation develops.

Emotional self regulation is the ability to manage thoughts and emotions in a healthy way.

Emotional Self Regulation

The emotional self regulation process begins in infancy with a nurturing caregiver who provides stable and consistent care and support for the baby.

Emotional self regulation develops over time with a caregiver who can manage their own emotions and helps the baby to manage theirs.

For instance, when a baby cries, their caregiver is there to pick up and soothe the baby by holding them, speaking to them in a soothing voice and taking care of their basic physical and emotional needs so the baby calms down and feels secure.

When a crying baby is soothed by a caregiver, the baby becomes aware over time that their caregiver is there to help them manage their emotions.  Even though the a baby has no explicit thoughts or words to express this awareness, they internalize the sense of feeling comforted.

In other words, if the baby experiences the caregiver as being consistent in providing care and nurturance, the baby has an implicit sense of being loved and cared for by the caregiver.  They internalize the sense that the caregiver will be there for them when they are in distress as well as when they're feeling good.

To paraphrase Donald Winnicott, the British psychoanalyst and pediatrician, the caregiver doesn't need to be perfect--just "good enough" to help the baby to develop physically, emotionally and psychologically.

A Caregiver Soothes Her Distressed Infant

Under good enough circumstances, this child will develop a secure attachment to the caregiver.  

Other circumstances can develop over time which can challenge secure attachment, including childhood trauma, caregiver trauma, and so on.  

For instance, if the child becomes overwhelmed by ongoing physical or emotional neglect, the child can develop insecure attachment with the caregiver, which has negative implications for relationships with others, including adult relationships when this child becomes an adult.

For the purposes of understanding how emotional self regulation works, let's assume that circumstances are good enough and this securely attached relationship with the caretaker enables the child to develop a healthy foundation for emotional self regulation skills. 

Aside from providing a warm and responsive relationship, a nurturing caregiver also provides the child with a stable and safe home environment.  

The caregiver, who is able to manage their own emotions, also models self regulation skills for the child as the child becomes older and more aware of the caregiver's emotions.

When the child is overwhelmed, the caregiver uses their own emotional regulation skills to soothe the child. This allows the child to internalize a sense that even big emotions can be managed with the caregiver's help.  This is co-regulation between the caregiver and the child.

This secure foundation, in turn, helps this individual to develop other healthy relationships as they mature into adulthood.  

What is Emotional Co-Regulation?

Humans are hard-wired from birth for attachment throughout the life cycle.

Someone who developed healthy emotional self regulation with their caregiver still needs other close relationships to fulfill their emotional needs.

Over time, an individual, who is able to form relationships with other relatives, friends, mentors, coaches, psychotherapists, romantic relationships and other adult relationships, can have these emotional needs fulfilled.

Examples of Emotional Co-Regulation

Adult emotional co-regulation can take many forms, including

• Getting together with a buddy to talk about something upsetting
• Talking to a business mentor about a problem at work
• Seeking help in therapy to deal with an unresolved problem
• Talking to their pastor or rabbi for emotional support and advice
• Seeking emotional support and advice from an older sibling about a problem
• Seeking emotional support from a partner or spouse about a problem, including problems in their relationship.

Turning to Your Partner for Emotional Co-Regulation

The examples above show how, even when someone knows how to self regulate, emotional co-regulation can occur in many circumstances with friends, mentors, relatives, religious leaders, therapists and partners when self regulation isn't enough.

Most people would agree that when you're in a committed relationship, you also want to be able to turn to your partner and allow your partner to turn to you for emotional co-regulation.  

Yet, emotional co-regulation with a partner or spouse is very difficult for many people because they struggle to be vulnerable with their partner (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability is a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

This is especially true for individuals who have an insecure attachment style where they didn't have good enough experiences with their primary caregiver or where other traumatic circumstances occurred that makes it hard for them to trust enough to be vulnerable.

Next Article

In the next article I'll focus emotional co-regulation in relationships, including overcoming an ongoing negative cycle in your relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved problems, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Even the most well adjusted individual can encounter circumstances that are so stressful that they are beyond their ability to cope.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop the necessary skills to work through your problems so you can lead a more meaningful life (see my article: Managing Your Emotions While Working Through Psychological Trauma).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.