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I've discussed stonewalling in prior articles as part of a series on how couples can improve communication in their relationship.
See My Prior Articles:
What is Stonewalling?
As a quick review: Stonewalling involves shutting down and withdrawing from a conflict or conversation.
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| Stonewalling in a Relationship |
Stonewalling can be intentional or unintentional. A lot of times it's unintentional (see the section below: Why Do People Engage in Stonewalling?).
It doesn't only involve physically removing yourself from the discussion. You can remain with your partner and still engage in stonewalling by shutting down emotionally, mentally and physically.
Why Do People Engage in Stonewalling?
As mentioned above, stonewalling can be intentional or unintentional.
Although it might seem that you are engaging in stonewalling as a way to annoy each other, unintentional stonewalling often occurs because one or both partners are overwhelmed.
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| Stonewalling in a Relationship |
When someone is flooded with emotion, they might withdraw emotionally, mentally and energetically because the experience is too much.
On the surface, they might appear calm, but the internal experience is usually one of emotional overwhelm.
So, if either of you are overwhelmed, there's no sense in continuing with the conversation by insisting that the overwhelmed partner continue to talk.
It's better to take a break and return to the conversation once both of you are emotionally regulated.
What is the Difference Between Verbal and Nonverbal Stonewalling?
Verbal stonewalling can involve:
- Giving your partner the "silent treatment"
- Responding to your partner with one word or two word answers
- Changing the subject
- Being dismissive
- Being accusatory
- Responding with an aggressive tone to end the conversation
Nonverbal stonewalling can involve:
- Walking away
- Eye rolling, which is a form of contempt towards your partner
- Distracting yourself with your phone as a conscious or unconscious attempt to distract yourself or end the conversation
Why is a Pattern of Stonewalling Damaging to a Relationship?
It's not unusual for couples to engage in occasional stonewalling, especially if one or both of them are overwhelmed by the conversation. But a pattern of stonewalling in a relationship is another matter.
A pattern of stonewalling is damaging because:
- Problems don't get resolved.
- The partner who is trying to discuss the problem can feel disrespected.
- A pattern of stonewalling can create distance between partners over time which usually has a negative effect on emotional and sexual intimacy.
How to Stop Stonewalling
If you're the one who tends to stonewall, you can learn to stop this destructive pattern by:
- Becoming Aware of Your Emotional, Physical or Mental State in the Moment: Ideally, become aware that you're about to physically, emotionally and/or mentally withdraw before you stonewall. Initially, it might be hard to recognize the physical, emotional or mental cues, so you might start by recognizing you're doing it while you're doing it or your partner points it out to you. Then, as the next step in developing your awareness, you can work on recognizing it before you stonewall.
- Communicating With Your Partner: Instead of stonewalling, tell your partner what's happening for you in the moment. You can say something as simple as, "I feel myself shutting down and I need a break. We can resume talking about this in an hour" or "I'm getting overwhelmed. Can we take a break and resume this in half an hour?" (or however much time you might need). Make sure you don't leave your partner hanging without letting them know that you need a break.
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| Practice Emotional Self Regulation |
- Taking Steps to Practice Emotional Self Regulation: You might be angry or sad about what your partner is communicating to you. It's okay to have your own feelings about what's happening, but you need to practice self regulation to manage your emotions in terms of how you respond to your partner. Aside from taking a break, this could also mean doing a breathing exercise, going for a walk (letting your partner know first) or doing what you need to do to practice healthy self regulation.
What to Do If You're the Partner Who is Being Stonewalled
Being stonewalled by your partner is an unpleasant experience (to say the least), especially if your partner does this frequently.
There are some things you can do to help yourself and your partner including:
- Allowing Yourself and Your Partner to Take a Break: If your partner says they need a break, respect that. Don't keep trying to engage your partner if it's clear they're overwhelmed. The situation will only get worse if you insist on your partner continuing to engage after they are overwhelmed. Also recognize your own signs of being overwhelmed because you might be so focused on making a point or getting your partner to listen to you that you don't recognize your own signs of being overwhelmed. Don't keep talking to your partner as if you're both in a competition with each other.
- Practicing Empathy and Compassion For Yourself and Your Partner: Sometimes when people are engaged in a conflict, they forget that they're arguing with the same person that they love. So, practice empathy and compassion for yourself and your partner.
Get Help in Therapy
As mentioned above, a pattern of stonewalling can destroy a relationship.
Even if a couple stays together, resentment can build up over time as problems remain unresolved and this can affect the couple emotionally and sexually.
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| Get Help in Therapy |
Seek help in individual or couples therapy to work on issues involving stonewalling.
A pattern of stonewalling can be rooted in your early history where you observed one or both of your parents engaging in stonewalling or you saw that their conflicts were not resolved.
In addition, you might not have learned how to regulate your emotions, which can make it challenging when you're in a heated discussion with your partner, but this is a skill you can learn.
A skilled individual or couples therapist can help you to overcome the problem of stonewalling so that you can have a more fulfilling relationship.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
I provide both in person therapy in my Greenwich Village office or online therapy (as of this writing, due to licensing laws, if you want to do online therapy, you must be a resident of New York State, which is the state where I am licensed).
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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