You Are Not Defined By Your Psychological Trauma

In a prior article called Psychotherapy: You Are Not Defined By Your Diagnosis, I discussed how clients who have been in therapy before often define themselves by their diagnosis (e.g., "I'm depressed" or "I'm anxious").  

You Are Not Defined By Your Trauma

This is especially true when clients use their health insurance to get reimbursed for their therapy and their therapists provide them with a diagnosis, which is required by the insurance companies for reimbursement. 

As I stated in that article, while it's often useful to know about certain diagnoses, a diagnosis cannot possibly define a whole person.  As a whole person, you're much more than your diagnosis.  Also, diagnoses change and many diagnoses are only an approximation of the problem--or as close as a therapist can get for insurance purposes.

Rethinking How You See Yourself

Whether they realize it or not, aside from defining themselves based on a diagnosis, many people think of themselves as being defined by their psychological trauma. This is often unconscious. In other words, if they were neglected or abused as part of their personal history and their family treated them as if they were unlovable, they take on that identification as if it were true (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

To say it another way, people who have no awareness of identifying with their trauma often see themselves through the eyes of the people who traumatized them.  If their parents treated them as if they were worthless, they feel and behave as if they are worthless.  They also expect very little from their relationships because they have completely taken on this identification without even realizing it.

For people who completely take on this identification, there's no separation between the identity that was forced upon them and how they see themselves.  They don't question this identification because it's so ingrained in them.

Clinical Vignette: 

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates these dynamics:

Nina

Throughout her childhood both of Nina's parents were highly critical of her to the point where they told her that she would never amount to anything and no man would ever want her.

They also said similar things to her older sister, Ann, but Ann was a fighter and she fought back against her parents' criticism.  Ann would get angry and tell her parents that they were wrong.  This incurred their parents' anger and they would punish Ann, who would find other ways to rebel against her parents.  When she turned 18, Ann moved out to live on her own and spent very little time around her parents once she was free of them.

But Nina was a quiet child.  She would never think of arguing with her parents or rebelling.  Her parents' criticism hurt her, but she responded by working harder to get excellent grades and being "extra good" in the hope she could appease her parents and she would finally get the love and praise she wanted so much from them.  

She also saw the impact of Ann's rebelliousness in terms of how much tougher her parents tried to be with Ann, and she didn't want that.  She hoped her parents would see her as "the good one" in the family.  But even though her parents' nurturance never came, Nina didn't give up hope that if only she could show them she was "good enough," they would love her.  

As an adolescent, Nina was shy.  With the exception of a couple of close friends, she tended to isolate at home.  Sensing the problems in Nina's home, her high school advisor encouraged Nina to go away to college and helped her to get a scholarship.  

Since Nina got a scholarship, her parents agreed reluctantly to allow her to go away to a college in Upstate New York.  At first, Nina was unhappy at college because she saw herself as an outsider (see my article: Feeling Like an Outsider).

But, over time, when she found a group of like-minded students who were focused on academic achievement and intellectual activities on campus (as opposed to parties and other social activities), she was happier.

Although Nina was attracted to young men on campus, she felt too shy to talk to them.  Even when some of these young men approached her to ask her out, Nina found dating to be fraught due to her feelings of low self worth. There were times when she couldn't understand why these young men were interested in her.

Without realizing it, Nina had internalized her parents' critical view of her. She took on the identity of someone who wasn't lovable or even likable.  She had no understanding that she was defining herself based on her parents' treatment of her--until she sought help in therapy to deal with anxiety.

Her therapist helped Nina to question how she saw herself, which was difficult at first.  Gradually, by doing Parts Work therapy, Nina came to understand that there was a big part of her, the part that held the trauma, which continued to be critical in the same way that her parents were critical of her.  But, aside from the critical part, she also discovered another part of her (even though it was a very small part at first) where she believed in herself (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

Her therapist helped Nina to develop this smaller part over time so that she had better access to it, and whenever she felt her critical part berating her, she would ask that critical part to step aside to allow this other more confident part to emerge.

Once Nina realized that she was not defined by the trauma of her overly critical parents, she could be more objective about herself.  She was able to examine the part of her that felt unlovable so she could question and refute that identification.  

Using EMDR therapy, her therapist also helped her to work through her early unresolved trauma so she could let go of her trauma-related identity. As she worked through the trauma, Nina felt more empowered in her life and deserving of love.  This enabled Nina to be in a loving relationship and a satisfying career after college.

Conclusion

People who experienced early trauma often carry an unconscious identification based on the trauma.  This identification might be that they're unlovable (as in the scenario above) or that they're powerless, not good enough, and so on.  

Trauma therapy can help individuals to become aware of the identification they have taken on, question it and discover other healthier parts of themselves (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

This work in therapy isn't easy or quick, but most clients find it worthwhile because it eventually frees them from the unconscious, false trauma-related identification.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many clients who seek help in therapy come because they're aware they're dealing with a debilitating problem, but they might not understand the problem. They don't usually come in because they're aware of their trauma-related identification.

Working with a skilled trauma therapist, you can develop a greater awareness of yourself and learn to let go of false negative identifications.

By working through your unresolved trauma, you can free yourself from your traumatic history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.