You Are Not Defined By Your Psychological Trauma

In a prior article called Psychotherapy: You Are Not Defined By Your Diagnosis, I discussed how clients who have been in therapy before often define themselves by their diagnosis (e.g., "I'm depressed" or "I'm anxious").  

You Are Not Defined By Your Trauma

This is especially true when clients use their health insurance to get reimbursed for their therapy and their therapists provide them with a diagnosis, which is required by the insurance companies for reimbursement. 

As I stated in that article, while it's often useful to know about certain diagnoses, a diagnosis cannot possibly define a whole person.  As a whole person, you're much more than your diagnosis.  Also, diagnoses change and many diagnoses are only an approximation of the problem--or as close as a therapist can get for insurance purposes.

Rethinking How You See Yourself

Whether they realize it or not, aside from defining themselves based on a diagnosis, many people think of themselves as being defined by their psychological trauma. This is often unconscious. In other words, if they were neglected or abused as part of their personal history and their family treated them as if they were unlovable, they take on that identification as if it were true (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

To say it another way, people who have no awareness of identifying with their trauma often see themselves through the eyes of the people who traumatized them.  If their parents treated them as if they were worthless, they feel and behave as if they are worthless.  They also expect very little from their relationships because they have completely taken on this identification without even realizing it.

For people who completely take on this identification, there's no separation between the identity that was forced upon them and how they see themselves.  They don't question this identification because it's so ingrained in them.

Clinical Vignette: 

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates these dynamics:

Nina

Throughout her childhood both of Nina's parents were highly critical of her to the point where they told her that she would never amount to anything and no man would ever want her.

They also said similar things to her older sister, Ann, but Ann was a fighter and she fought back against her parents' criticism.  Ann would get angry and tell her parents that they were wrong.  This incurred their parents' anger and they would punish Ann, who would find other ways to rebel against her parents.  When she turned 18, Ann moved out to live on her own and spent very little time around her parents once she was free of them.

But Nina was a quiet child.  She would never think of arguing with her parents or rebelling.  Her parents' criticism hurt her, but she responded by working harder to get excellent grades and being "extra good" in the hope she could appease her parents and she would finally get the love and praise she wanted so much from them.  

She also saw the impact of Ann's rebelliousness in terms of how much tougher her parents tried to be with Ann, and she didn't want that.  She hoped her parents would see her as "the good one" in the family.  But even though her parents' nurturance never came, Nina didn't give up hope that if only she could show them she was "good enough," they would love her.  

As an adolescent, Nina was shy.  With the exception of a couple of close friends, she tended to isolate at home.  Sensing the problems in Nina's home, her high school advisor encouraged Nina to go away to college and helped her to get a scholarship.  

Since Nina got a scholarship, her parents agreed reluctantly to allow her to go away to a college in Upstate New York.  At first, Nina was unhappy at college because she saw herself as an outsider (see my article: Feeling Like an Outsider).

But, over time, when she found a group of like-minded students who were focused on academic achievement and intellectual activities on campus (as opposed to parties and other social activities), she was happier.

Although Nina was attracted to young men on campus, she felt too shy to talk to them.  Even when some of these young men approached her to ask her out, Nina found dating to be fraught due to her feelings of low self worth. There were times when she couldn't understand why these young men were interested in her.

Without realizing it, Nina had internalized her parents' critical view of her. She took on the identity of someone who wasn't lovable or even likable.  She had no understanding that she was defining herself based on her parents' treatment of her--until she sought help in therapy to deal with anxiety.

Her therapist helped Nina to question how she saw herself, which was difficult at first.  Gradually, by doing Parts Work therapy, Nina came to understand that there was a big part of her, the part that held the trauma, which continued to be critical in the same way that her parents were critical of her.  But, aside from the critical part, she also discovered another part of her (even though it was a very small part at first) where she believed in herself (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

Her therapist helped Nina to develop this smaller part over time so that she had better access to it, and whenever she felt her critical part berating her, she would ask that critical part to step aside to allow this other more confident part to emerge.

Once Nina realized that she was not defined by the trauma of her overly critical parents, she could be more objective about herself.  She was able to examine the part of her that felt unlovable so she could question and refute that identification.  

Using EMDR therapy, her therapist also helped her to work through her early unresolved trauma so she could let go of her trauma-related identity. As she worked through the trauma, Nina felt more empowered in her life and deserving of love.  This enabled Nina to be in a loving relationship and a satisfying career after college.

Conclusion

People who experienced early trauma often carry an unconscious identification based on the trauma.  This identification might be that they're unlovable (as in the scenario above) or that they're powerless, not good enough, and so on.  

Trauma therapy can help individuals to become aware of the identification they have taken on, question it and discover other healthier parts of themselves (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

This work in therapy isn't easy or quick, but most clients find it worthwhile because it eventually frees them from the unconscious, false trauma-related identification.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many clients who seek help in therapy come because they're aware they're dealing with a debilitating problem, but they might not understand the problem. They don't usually come in because they're aware of their trauma-related identification.

Working with a skilled trauma therapist, you can develop a greater awareness of yourself and learn to let go of false negative identifications.

By working through your unresolved trauma, you can free yourself from your traumatic history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Grief: Who Are You After Your Parents Die?

I'm continuing a theme about grief for the loss of both parents that I began recently (see my articles: Grief: The Emotional Impact of Losing Both Parents, You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents Even After They Die, and The Emotional Pain of Clearing Out Your Parents' Home After They Die).  In this article, I'm focusing on changes in how you see yourself after your parents have died.

Grief: Who Are You After Your Parents Die?

As I mentioned in prior articles, nothing can prepare you for the loss of both of your parents.  For most people the experience of feeling like an "orphan" can be devastating--no matter what kind of relationship you had with your parents.

Relationships, including relationships with your parents, are a complicated mix, rather than being "good" or "bad."  So, when the last parent dies, adult children's feelings can also be mixed: Sorrow for the loss and a sense of relief that they're no longer suffering and there is no longer a need to worry about parents.

Who Are You After Your Parents Die?
Your primary identification as a child is as your parents' child.  This identification continues through adulthood, although usually in combination with other identifications: husband, wife, mother, father, friend, teacher, and so on.

So, at the point when you have lost both of your parents, you can feel that part of you has gone with them:  You're no longer anyone's son or daughter--at least, not in the here-and-now.

Most people don't anticipate the loss of this identification, and after their second parent dies, they struggle with loss and question who they are now that their parents are no longer around.

Much also depends upon the separation-individuation process that children go through.  This is a process that starts in childhood and progresses through adolescence when children identify more with peers than with their parents and strive to be their own person.

But some people struggle with the separation-individuation process for a variety of reasons, as I will demonstrate in the fictionalized vignette below.

Depending upon the individual and the quality of the relationship with the parents, this can be a time of doubt and soul searching.  For other people, it can be liberating.  For others, it's a combination of doubt, soul searching and liberation.

Fictional Vignette:  Who Are You After Your Parents Die?

Ida
Ida was an only child.

Throughout her life, she had an ever-present awareness of the sacrifices that her parents made to come to the United States from their native country where they were harassed and oppressed because of their religion.

As a child, Ida wanted to be a writer, but her parents were vehemently opposed to this.  They wanted her to be a teacher or an accountant, preferably as part of a union so her job would be protected.

They told her many times of their own struggles when they came to the US as immigrants--how they were looked down upon for their clothes, their traditional food, and their foreign ways.

They both went to college in the US, studied hard and chose "practical" careers.  Her father became an engineer and her mother became a teacher.

Not wanting to disappoint her parents, Ida became an elementary school teacher, like her mother.  She loved the children and the feeling that she was making an impact on their lives.  But she still longed to write.

Being a teacher gave Ida little time to write.  She often came home feeling exhausted from a full day at school.  Here and there, she wrote short stories that she told no one about, especially her parents, who would have ridiculed her for wasting her time.

When she was in her mid-20s, she got married to another teacher she met at a union meeting.  They had two children, and soon after that Ida had even less time to write, other than a few occasional snippets.

Although she was happy with her husband and family and she liked working with the children, she still longed to write.  She felt she had many stories in her head.

When both of her children were in college, Ida had more time to write the short stories that were in her head.  So, she would spend a couple of hours a week secretly writing.

Grief: Who Are You After Your Parents Die?

She still carried her parents' voices in her head that writing was a waste of time and she should spend her time on more "practical" matters.

Over the years, Ida had written several short stories that she would have liked to have published, but her parents' ideas about the impracticality of writing were so ingrained in her mind that she remained in conflict about it.

When Ida was close to retirement, her father died unexpectedly.  It was such a shock to her mother that she became emotionally incapacitated, and Ida and her husband took her in.

After her mother moved in with her, Ida was even more surreptitious about her writing.  Sometimes, she would get up early in the morning before her husband and mother got up and spend a half hour writing.

One day, her husband walked into the kitchen unexpectedly while Ida was typing on her laptop.  Ida became so startled that she closed her laptop abruptly.

When her husband asked her what she was doing, she responded with hesitation that she was writing a short story.

Rather than being disapproving, as Ida expected, her husband was thrilled and asked her why she was so secretive about it.

When Ida explained how disapproving her parents were about her desire to write, she was delighted that her husband encouraged her.  He even offered to take over more of the household responsibilities so she could have more time to write.

But even with the extra time and her mother spending more time in her own room, Ida continued to feel conflicted about writing.

Although she knew that she was an adult and her parents could no longer tell her what to do, she still felt a sense of disloyalty to her parents when she wrote because she felt she owed them so much.

When she spoke to her husband about this, he suggested that she speak with a psychotherapist who could help her to sort out her longstanding issues related to her parents and writing.

Soon after Ida began therapy, her mother died.  Although Ida knew that her mother's death had nothing to do with her attending therapy or her writing, she still felt guilty, as if she had betrayed her mother by talking about her in therapy.

Gradually, Ida began to work through her grief and these related complex issues in therapy.

Over time, her therapist helped Ida to grieve the loss of her parents.

Her therapist also helped Ida to understand that she had not achieved sufficient separation-individuation from her parents as an adult due to her sense of obligation and guilt about their sacrifices.  As a result, Ida was overly identified with their ideas about who she should be instead of trying to be the person that she wanted to be.

Developing her own sense of self was neither quick nor easy.  After Ida retired, her therapist encouraged her to join a writing group so she could be around other writers who might be struggling with similar issues and who would be supportive.

Grief: Who Are You After Your Parents Die?

The combination of attending her weekly therapy sessions and attending the weekly writers group helped Ida to come into her own (see my article: Listening to Your Inner Voice to Discover Your "Calling" in Life).

Although she struggled at times with her own internalizations of her parents' prohibitions, she was writing every day.

Her husband and other people who knew saw the difference in her.  They told her that she looked much younger and happier than she had been in a long time.

As time went on, Ida felt more confident as a writer and she submitted her stories for publication.  She also had a greater sense of well-being because she was being her true self and doing what she loved (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

Conclusion

Losing both parents can be a devastating experience regardless of your age or your relationship with them.

After the loss of the second parent, adult children often question their identity, especially if they had problems individuating before their parents died.

The time after a second parent dies can be a time of confusion, soul searching and a search for a new identity.

For many people, it's a time to discover their own voice and their true selves.

Getting Help in Therapy

The mourning process can be a confusing, lonely time even if you have many people around you.

Losing both parents can create a sense of being an "orphan" with all the feelings that go with that.

Part of that mourning process is often coming to terms with your identity now that your parents are gone.

Many people feel freer to pursue endeavors that their parents might not have approved of when they were alive.  

Other people have so internalized their parents' prohibitions that, even after their parents are dead, they continue to feel too guilty to go against their parents' wishes.  

To go against their parents' wishes makes them feel that they are moving further and further away from parents that they are missing.

Seeing a skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through the grief of losing your parents.

An experienced therapist can also help you to work through guilty feelings about finding your own voice and being your own person (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

If these issues resonate with you, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome your struggles so you can have a greater sense of well-being (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through grief and their own individuation process so they could lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about it, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See my other articles about grief.

An Unconscious Identification with a Loved One Can Create an Obstacle to Change

People who start therapy often wonder why it's so hard to change, so I want to address one of the major reasons why people have problems changing, which is an unconscious identification with a loved one.

An Unconscious Identification With a Loved One Can Create an Obstacle to Change

From the time that we're infants, we learn to identify with our caregivers, usually our parents.  Even as adults, we can continue to identify with loved ones.

The identification can include values, opinions, thoughts, feelings, habits and lifestyle choices.

The following fictional vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, provides an example of someone who comes to therapy to make a change, but who encounters an obstacle within himself that makes it difficult for him to change.

Rick
Rick came to therapy after his doctor advised him to stop smoking or he would face increasingly debilitating health consequences in addition to the ones he was already experiencing, including severe headaches, problems breathing and a persistent cough that wouldn't go away (see my article:  Do You Want to Stop Smoking?).

Struggling with Health Consequences of Smoking 

Before coming to therapy, Rick tried to stop smoking on his own.  But even though he wasn't feeling well because he was smoking two packs of cigarettes a day for several years, he couldn't stop.

He tried the nicotine patch and nicotine gum.  He tried to go "cold turkey," but nothing worked for him.  His wife pleaded with him to stop, to no avail.

Rick came for clinical hypnosis as a last resort.  He didn't have much faith that hypnosis would help him, but he was feeling desperate and decided to give it a try.

I began, as I often do with people who want to stop smoking, by asking Rick about his motivation to stop smoking.  He told me that he knew that he "should" because of his doctor's warning and his wife was also unhappy about his smoking.

Based on Rick's tone and the shrug of his shoulders, I could tell that his internal motivation wasn't strong, and he admitted this.  His motivation was mostly external as opposed to a strong internal motivation that is often needed to help people to stop smoking or to make other difficult changes.

 I took a history of Rick's use of tobacco, including his many attempts to stop on his own (see my article:  Becoming a Successful Nonsmoker).

We also discussed his pattern of smoking (when he smokes, what time, how often, etc) with the idea of using "pattern interruption" as a way to help him to break his habit.

As part of the pattern interruption, Rick agreed to change cigarette brands and to change where he smoked.  Interrupting the pattern in the rituals that Rick had for smoking was somewhat successful.  He was able to reduce his use from two packs to a pack a day and, a few sessions later, he reduced it to half a pack per day.

This was more than Rick had ever been able to do on his own.  He was also surprised that his cravings were reduced.  But, try as he might, he couldn't stop smoking altogether, and I realized that there was probably a strong unconscious underlying reason that was undermining our efforts.

In order to discover what Rick liked about smoking, he agreed to allow me to do a hypnotic induction.  While in a light hypnotic state, Rick expressed feeling very relaxed and, at the same time, he maintained a dual awareness of both his relaxed state and that he was sitting on a couch in my office.

I asked Rick to go back in his mind to the first time that he smoked and enjoyed it.  Rick remembered a pleasant summer day sitting on his grandfather's porch with his father and grandfather.  He remembered that it was after a great dinner that his grandmother had made and his grandfather was telling funny stories about his childhood.

He remembered how they all joked and laughed and how he realized that day how much he loved his father and grandfather.  He was particularly aware on that day of the strong bond he felt with them and how being allowed to sit with them, while the women in the family were in the house, made him feel proud, as if he was part of this exclusive "club"for the men in the family.

Many other similar happy memories of being with his grandfather and father came to his mind.  Just thinking of those memories brought tears to Rick's eyes.

Afterwards, as part of the debriefing in the session, Rick talked about how surprised he was to realize that when he smoked, he continued to feel a bond with his father and grandfather, both of whom he missed very much since they died.

No wonder it was so hard for Rick to give up smoking.  He had an unconscious identification with his father and grandfather through smoking cigarettes and it helped him feel connected to them even though they were both dead.

As he continued to talk about these two important men in his family, Rick said they were the two most important people in his life.  Then, he cried to think that he might give up this habit that kept him feeling connected to them.

During the next session, Rick and I talked about the strong bond that he felt with his teenage sons.  He often spent a lot of time with his sons and it was obvious that he was proud of them and loved them very much.

I asked Rick how he would feel if his sons began smoking.  Rick dismissed this idea.  He said that, even though he smoked, he had always told his sons not to smoke, and they promised him they never would start.  The idea of his sons smoking was so disturbing to him that he couldn't even consider the idea.

I told Rick, as tactfully as I could, that children learn more from what they see their parents do than what their parents tell them to do.  And, just like he started smoking as a way to bond with his father and grandfather, his children could do the same.

Rick acknowledged that this could happen, but he doubted that it would.  But if it did, he would never want to pick up a cigarette again because seeing his sons smoke would upset him too much.

By the end of that session, Rick began thinking about his place in the family--now that his father and grandfather were gone, he was the patriarch in the family and he wanted to set a good example for his sons.

When Rick came back the following week, he looked upset.  He told me that he was shocked to learn from his wife that his younger son, John was smoking and he had been keeping it a secret--until Rick's wife found a pack of cigarettes in John's pants pocket as she was sorting the laundry.

He said that after she told him about their son smoking, he sat by himself in the kitchen for a long feeling sad and upset.

How an Unconscious Identification with a Loved One Can Create an Obstacle to Change

He knew that if he confronted his son in an angry way, it would seem hypocritical to John.  So, he decided that, once and for all, he was going to give up smoking.  Hearing that his younger son had taken up smoking provided Rick with the motivation he needed to stop.  With the help of hypnotic suggestions, and his motivation to change Rick was able to stop smoking.

Several months later, when I followed up with Rick, he told me that he continued to be a successful nonsmoker and, shortly after he stopped, his son, John, also stopped.  Rick told me how proud he felt that he could "kick the habit" and he thought that his father and grandfather would also be very proud of him.  That feeling--that his father and grandfather would be proud of him--was another strong motivator for him to remain a successful nonsmoker.

Conclusion
Although the vignette above is a composite of many different cases, it has been my experience that, in many instances, an unconscious identification with a loved one can create an obstacle to change.

These identifications are usually not apparent at first.  A therapist, who is skilled at doing discovery work, can help clients to uncover the unconscious obstacle.

An Unconscious Identification with a Loved One Can Create an Obstacle to Change

As in the case with "Rick," a behavior or habit that represents a strong identification is often hard to change.

But, similar to the vignette above, if clients discover an even more compelling reason to change, as "Rick," that reason can help to transcend the original obstacle.

Getting Help in Therapy
Obstacles to change often include conscious and unconscious factors.

It is usually difficult to discover the unconscious factors on your own, which is one of the reasons why people come to therapy.

If you've having difficulty making changes, you could benefit from working with a skilled therapist who has experience helping clients to discover and overcome unconscious obstacles.

Discovering the unconscious obstacle is an initial step.  Developing the motivation to transcend the obstacle is what often leads to transformation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.