Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt - Part 1

In a prior article about fear of anger, Overcoming Fear of Anger, I began a discussion about how this fear is usually rooted in childhood where parents were intolerant of expressions of healthy aggression.  In this article, I'll expand on this topic (also see my articles: Anger as a Secondary Emotion, Using Your Anger to Mobilize Yourself to Make Positive Changes in Your Life, and Healing Shame in Psychotherapy).

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt

What is Healthy Aggression and How Does It Relate to the Separation-Individuation Process?
Healthy anger is a form of healthy aggression, so before addressing fear of anger, I think it would be helpful to define healthy aggression because this concept is often misunderstood.

Healthy aggression begins on the day you're born (possibly, even before).  Similar to chicks who experience the impetus to leave the egg, healthy aggression is what also causes the infant to leave the womb.  As a child, healthy aggression is what enables a young child to want to feed herself and, later on, learn to tie her own shoes.

Throughout child development, healthy aggression helps a child to want to learn to walk, learn to say "No!," get dressed on his own, and go through a healthy separation-individuation process with his parents.

At each stage, as the child develops, he learns that he is a separate individual from his parents and that she can take age-appropriate steps to make decisions and act more independent.  For a child of three or four who is with parents who allow the separation-individuation process, this might involve making decisions about what she will wear.  This might mean that the child chooses to wear a sweatshirt with a ballet tutu with mismatched patterns.

Even if the parents wouldn't have chosen this combination of clothing for the child, they know that it's important for the child to start making some independent decisions for herself in this way.  Over time, this will help the child to have confidence to make other decisions for herself as time goes by--rather than the parents insisting that they make all of the child's decisions.

The Negative Impact of Healthy Aggression Getting Short Circuited
What if, instead of the parents allowing the child to make her own decisions, they intrude on this process from the time the child is young through adulthood?

If parents have difficulty allowing their child to exercise healthy aggression from a young age, this has negative consequences for the child in terms of psychological development.

For instance, when a newborn wants to get his parents' attention, he will cry--a form of healthy aggression.  If the parents don't come to attend to the baby's needs, he will get even angrier and cry even louder until he works himself into a rage.  If the parents still don't come, he will exhaust himself and, with enough experiences like this, he will eventually learn that to stop crying to get his parents' attention.  He will go into a dissociative state as a survival strategy.

Fear of Anger Often Begins at a Young Age

Even at this young age, an infant learns to adapt to his parents' needs in order to survive.  Under those circumstances, dissociation is adaptive is an instinctual survival strategy so he does not alienate the parents.  But this adaptation has serious negative consequences later on because the child is learning that he has to put his parents' needs before his own.  He will also probably grow up to be an adult who will continue to dissociate and not know his own needs.

Another example is if a young child has the urge to feed himself, when his parent tries to feed him, he might say, "No, I do it!"  If he has never done it before, of course, he's going to make a mess, but this is part of the way he learns.  If a parent can't tolerate seeing the mess, she might interfere with the child's healthy urge to learn to do it himself and insist that she continue to feed him.

Since this child's urge to feed himself is a natural part of developing, this child and parent will probably have a power struggle on their hands with the child insisting that he wants to feed himself and getting angry when the parent insists that she will do it.  In fact, it's probably the first of many power struggles if the parent doesn't realize that this is an important part of the child's development.

But what's going on here?  Why wouldn't a parent allow her child to feed himself (or choose his clothes or tie his shoes later on)?  When asked, the parent might say that she doesn't like the child to make a mess or she can do it faster or more easily, but if someone continued to explore the issue beyond the surface, what probably would come to the surface is that the parent has a fear of allowing the child to grow developmentally and become more independent.

This parent's fear is probably related to her own early family history and fear of eventually being "abandoned" by the child.  Even when a parent knows objectively that children do grow physically and psychologically and that this is normal developmentally, on an emotional level, it can be difficult to accept, especially if a parent has emotional issues that she hasn't worked out for herself.

A parent might see this reluctance to allow the child to grow and separate in age-appropriate ways as her being "protective."  And, while there might be an element of this, it usually has more to do with the parent's own fear of allowing the child to be more independent.

This can go on through the stages of child development so that the child learns that separating and becoming his own person is "bad."  In these kinds of situations, most children learn to sacrifice their own developmental needs in order to maintain an emotional tie with his parents (see my article: Is Fear of Being a "Bad Person" Keeping You From Asserting Yourself?).

Often, in an unspoken way, the message for this child has been all along that meeting his parents' needs is more important than meeting his own needs.  In effect, he learns that if he will maintain a less conflictual relationship with his parents if he ignores his needs.  In this case, healthy aggression is perceived as "bad" because it threatens the bond with the parents.

Healthy aggression, including anger, becomes coupled with fear, shame and guilt:  fear of losing his parents, shame for having his own needs, and guilt for wanting something that is different from his parents.

Fear of Anger is Often Coupled With Shame and Guilt

Instead of learning over the course of his psychological development that there is such a thing as healthy anger, the child learns that all anger is "bad" and he shouldn't feel it.  As a result, he will have an unhealthy relationship to his own anger.  Either he will learn to dissociate his feelings of anger, deny that he ever feels angry or project his anger onto someone else ("I'm not the one who's angry.  You're the one who's angry").

So, for instance, the child who isn't allowed to engage in healthy aggression (or healthy anger) and who grows up to be an adult that has a negative view of anger won't realize that he can use healthy anger to assert himself or to set healthy boundaries with others.

Instead, this individual develops a fear of anger, which includes shame and guilt.

In my next article, I'll provide a fictional clinical vignette to illustrate these points and how psychotherapy can help.

Conclusion
Fear of anger (or fear of healthy aggression) usually begins at a young age.

If parents, who have their own unresolved emotional issues, cannot tolerate the child's healthy aggression, the child will often grow up fearing his own healthy aggression (or fearing anger) and feeling ashamed and guilty for having his own needs.

Fear, shame and guilt related to anger often results in a person splitting off his awareness of his anger, which can be done through various defense mechanisms.  Also, it often results in the person being afraid to assert himself or set healthy boundaries with others.

Getting Help in Therapy
Fear of anger, which is coupled with shame and guilt, is a common problem for many people, especially women, who are raised to believe that being angry is "bad."

If you're struggling with your own fear of anger or an inability to know your own emotional needs or an inability to assert yourself, you could benefit from psychotherapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand and accept your anger and learn to assert yourself in a healthy way.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Grief: Who Are You After Your Parents Die?

I'm continuing a theme about grief for the loss of both parents that I began recently (see my articles: Grief: The Emotional Impact of Losing Both Parents, You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents Even After They Die, and The Emotional Pain of Clearing Out Your Parents' Home After They Die).  In this article, I'm focusing on changes in how you see yourself after your parents have died.

Grief: Who Are You After Your Parents Die?

As I mentioned in prior articles, nothing can prepare you for the loss of both of your parents.  For most people the experience of feeling like an "orphan" can be devastating--no matter what kind of relationship you had with your parents.

Relationships, including relationships with your parents, are a complicated mix, rather than being "good" or "bad."  So, when the last parent dies, adult children's feelings can also be mixed: Sorrow for the loss and a sense of relief that they're no longer suffering and there is no longer a need to worry about parents.

Who Are You After Your Parents Die?
Your primary identification as a child is as your parents' child.  This identification continues through adulthood, although usually in combination with other identifications: husband, wife, mother, father, friend, teacher, and so on.

So, at the point when you have lost both of your parents, you can feel that part of you has gone with them:  You're no longer anyone's son or daughter--at least, not in the here-and-now.

Most people don't anticipate the loss of this identification, and after their second parent dies, they struggle with loss and question who they are now that their parents are no longer around.

Much also depends upon the separation-individuation process that children go through.  This is a process that starts in childhood and progresses through adolescence when children identify more with peers than with their parents and strive to be their own person.

But some people struggle with the separation-individuation process for a variety of reasons, as I will demonstrate in the fictionalized vignette below.

Depending upon the individual and the quality of the relationship with the parents, this can be a time of doubt and soul searching.  For other people, it can be liberating.  For others, it's a combination of doubt, soul searching and liberation.

Fictional Vignette:  Who Are You After Your Parents Die?

Ida
Ida was an only child.

Throughout her life, she had an ever-present awareness of the sacrifices that her parents made to come to the United States from their native country where they were harassed and oppressed because of their religion.

As a child, Ida wanted to be a writer, but her parents were vehemently opposed to this.  They wanted her to be a teacher or an accountant, preferably as part of a union so her job would be protected.

They told her many times of their own struggles when they came to the US as immigrants--how they were looked down upon for their clothes, their traditional food, and their foreign ways.

They both went to college in the US, studied hard and chose "practical" careers.  Her father became an engineer and her mother became a teacher.

Not wanting to disappoint her parents, Ida became an elementary school teacher, like her mother.  She loved the children and the feeling that she was making an impact on their lives.  But she still longed to write.

Being a teacher gave Ida little time to write.  She often came home feeling exhausted from a full day at school.  Here and there, she wrote short stories that she told no one about, especially her parents, who would have ridiculed her for wasting her time.

When she was in her mid-20s, she got married to another teacher she met at a union meeting.  They had two children, and soon after that Ida had even less time to write, other than a few occasional snippets.

Although she was happy with her husband and family and she liked working with the children, she still longed to write.  She felt she had many stories in her head.

When both of her children were in college, Ida had more time to write the short stories that were in her head.  So, she would spend a couple of hours a week secretly writing.

Grief: Who Are You After Your Parents Die?

She still carried her parents' voices in her head that writing was a waste of time and she should spend her time on more "practical" matters.

Over the years, Ida had written several short stories that she would have liked to have published, but her parents' ideas about the impracticality of writing were so ingrained in her mind that she remained in conflict about it.

When Ida was close to retirement, her father died unexpectedly.  It was such a shock to her mother that she became emotionally incapacitated, and Ida and her husband took her in.

After her mother moved in with her, Ida was even more surreptitious about her writing.  Sometimes, she would get up early in the morning before her husband and mother got up and spend a half hour writing.

One day, her husband walked into the kitchen unexpectedly while Ida was typing on her laptop.  Ida became so startled that she closed her laptop abruptly.

When her husband asked her what she was doing, she responded with hesitation that she was writing a short story.

Rather than being disapproving, as Ida expected, her husband was thrilled and asked her why she was so secretive about it.

When Ida explained how disapproving her parents were about her desire to write, she was delighted that her husband encouraged her.  He even offered to take over more of the household responsibilities so she could have more time to write.

But even with the extra time and her mother spending more time in her own room, Ida continued to feel conflicted about writing.

Although she knew that she was an adult and her parents could no longer tell her what to do, she still felt a sense of disloyalty to her parents when she wrote because she felt she owed them so much.

When she spoke to her husband about this, he suggested that she speak with a psychotherapist who could help her to sort out her longstanding issues related to her parents and writing.

Soon after Ida began therapy, her mother died.  Although Ida knew that her mother's death had nothing to do with her attending therapy or her writing, she still felt guilty, as if she had betrayed her mother by talking about her in therapy.

Gradually, Ida began to work through her grief and these related complex issues in therapy.

Over time, her therapist helped Ida to grieve the loss of her parents.

Her therapist also helped Ida to understand that she had not achieved sufficient separation-individuation from her parents as an adult due to her sense of obligation and guilt about their sacrifices.  As a result, Ida was overly identified with their ideas about who she should be instead of trying to be the person that she wanted to be.

Developing her own sense of self was neither quick nor easy.  After Ida retired, her therapist encouraged her to join a writing group so she could be around other writers who might be struggling with similar issues and who would be supportive.

Grief: Who Are You After Your Parents Die?

The combination of attending her weekly therapy sessions and attending the weekly writers group helped Ida to come into her own (see my article: Listening to Your Inner Voice to Discover Your "Calling" in Life).

Although she struggled at times with her own internalizations of her parents' prohibitions, she was writing every day.

Her husband and other people who knew saw the difference in her.  They told her that she looked much younger and happier than she had been in a long time.

As time went on, Ida felt more confident as a writer and she submitted her stories for publication.  She also had a greater sense of well-being because she was being her true self and doing what she loved (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

Conclusion

Losing both parents can be a devastating experience regardless of your age or your relationship with them.

After the loss of the second parent, adult children often question their identity, especially if they had problems individuating before their parents died.

The time after a second parent dies can be a time of confusion, soul searching and a search for a new identity.

For many people, it's a time to discover their own voice and their true selves.

Getting Help in Therapy

The mourning process can be a confusing, lonely time even if you have many people around you.

Losing both parents can create a sense of being an "orphan" with all the feelings that go with that.

Part of that mourning process is often coming to terms with your identity now that your parents are gone.

Many people feel freer to pursue endeavors that their parents might not have approved of when they were alive.  

Other people have so internalized their parents' prohibitions that, even after their parents are dead, they continue to feel too guilty to go against their parents' wishes.  

To go against their parents' wishes makes them feel that they are moving further and further away from parents that they are missing.

Seeing a skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through the grief of losing your parents.

An experienced therapist can also help you to work through guilty feelings about finding your own voice and being your own person (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

If these issues resonate with you, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome your struggles so you can have a greater sense of well-being (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through grief and their own individuation process so they could lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about it, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See my other articles about grief.

Why Your Child Can't Be Your Best Friend

In my previous article, Caregiving For a Depressed Mother as a Child and a Depressed Spouse as an Adult, I discussed how early dynamics between parent and child often get recreated in adult relationships.  In this article, I'm focusing on a particular dynamic between parent and child where the parent sees the child as his or her "best friend" and the child takes on the parental role (also known as the parentified child) and the parent takes on the child role.

Why Your Child Can't Be Your Best Friend

To explore how this parent-child dynamic develops, it's important to realize that the parent who sees the child as a best friend usually was in that same role with one or both of her parents as a child.  In other words, this is often an unconscious repetition, so it doesn't seem unusual to the parent.  On the contrary, it's very familiar because he or she lived through it as a child and considered it to be "normal."

The parent who treats their child as a best friend often didn't get her emotional needs met as a child because of her own role as a best friend to her parent (I'm saying "her," but this is also true of relationships between a parent and a son).

This dynamic can continue to repeat itself intergenerationally, so there can be three or four generations where the children are expected to focus on the emotional needs of the parent instead of the parent taking care of the emotional needs of the child.

This comes at a tremendous emotional cost to the child because she subordinates her emotional needs to the needs of the parent.  On the face of it, this might seem like an impossible task for a child, but many children learn to sacrifice their emotional needs for  their parent's needs, and they become very good at it--to their own detriment.

So, if this is happening intergenerationally, how can a family break this unhealthy cycle?

Well, it often occurs when the child approaches adulthood and struggles to develop a healthy sense of autonomy.  Although this is a healthy sign for the child, it can wreak havoc between the parent and adult child if the parent isn't willing to allow the child to be more independent.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized vignette which explores these dynamics:

Clarissa and Clara
Clarissa started therapy soon after she began submitting her college applications to out of state colleges.

Why Your Child Can't Be Your Best Friend

Clarissa was an only child who was still living at home.  Her mother, Clara, was a single parent.  At the point when Clarissa came to therapy, they were arguing about the fact that Clarissa wanted to go away to college.  Although Clarissa stood her ground with her mother, inwardly she felt deeply ambivalent about leaving her mother.

Not only did she fear that her mother would be very lonely without her but Clarissa knew that her mother relied on her when Clara felt especially depressed and discouraged.

On the one hand, Clarissa wanted to be away at college to experience more freedom and have the campus experience before she settled down in a career.  On an intuitive level, she knew this was what she needed emotionally and socially.  But, on the other hand, she felt guilty leaving her mother alone.

When they argued, Clarissa tried not to show her ambivalence because she feared that she would cave in to her mother's wishes and sacrifice her own needs.  But, internally, she was struggling with the possibility of letting go of her role as her mother's best friend.

As Clarissa explored her family history with her psychotherapist, she began to realize for the first time that she and her mother had a similar dynamic to her mother and maternal grandmother.

Similar to the maternal grandmother, Clara was in her mid-teens when she had Clarissa.  They both raised their children without the biological father with the help of their mothers. Clara was her mother's best friend and confidant and they usually did everything together.

When Clarissa revealed to Clara that she wanted to go away to college, Clara was stunned.  She couldn't understand why Clarissa would want to leave their town where their family had roots for many generations.

Clara had always hoped that she and Clarissa would have a similar relationship to the one that Clara had with her mother.  She told her that Clarissa that she considered it a form of betrayal that she would want to move away to college for four years.

Clarissa talked to her therapist about how she grew up listening to her mother's problems.  Even as a young child, she tried to help her mother to overcome feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

Even though she was only a young child, she felt she did a good job of shoring her mother up emotionally.  But now, she wanted something more--something for herself for a change.  She asked her therapist, "Am I being selfish?"

Over time, Clarissa's therapist helped her to work through her ambivalence to see that what she wanted for herself was healthy and necessary for her well-being.

Being able to look at her situation through her therapist's eyes, Clarissa could see, for the first time, that what was expected of her as a child wasn't healthy for her.  At the same time, she had a lot of compassion for her mother.

When Clarissa felt ready, she asked Clara to come to a therapy session with her.  Although Clara said she "didn't believe in therapy," she came to the session with a wary eye on the therapist.

When Clarissa explained to Clara why she wanted to go away to college, Clara burst into tears.  Although they had had this same talk many times before on their own, Clara realized that Clarissa made up her mind and it was final.

Clara explained to Clarissa and the therapist that she wanted what was best for her daughter, but she felt it would be unbearable for her to be home alone, especially since her mother died the year before.  She would have no one.

Clara idealized her relationship with her mother and told them that, from the time Clarissa was born, she wanted the same relationship with Clarissa that she and her mother had.  She was her mother's best friend and she hoped that Clarissa would be her best friend always.

But now that Clarissa wanted to go away, she saw all of this falling apart for her.  She couldn't understand why Clarissa couldn't go to the local college so they could remain together.  The therapist suggested that Clara could benefit from seeing her own therapist, but Clara brushed this off.

When Clarissa came to her next therapy session, she told her therapist that she felt more confident in her decision, even though she still felt guilty about leaving her mother.

Why Your Child Can't Be Your Best Friend

Eventually, Clarissa went off to college.  She continued to work on the emotional separation process from her mother with a therapist at the counseling center.

Her relationship with her mother remained fraught until her mother began developing her own friendships and interests in her church.

Over time, they were able to repair their relationship.  Clarissa enjoyed her new sense of autonomy and she felt that she was finally taking care of her own emotional needs.

Conclusion
When parents have their own unmet emotional needs from childhood, and especially if they were parentified children with one or both parents, they are more likely to try to get their unmet needs through their children.

This is usually an emotional blind spot for the parent.   In most cases the parent is unaware that she is doing harm to the child.  She's just doing what feels right, often based on her own childhood.

Children will often try to extend themselves beyond their emotional maturity and sacrifice their own needs in order to please their parents.

Even when the child attempts to resist being a parentified child, he or she often feels guilty about not being able to meet their parent's needs.

In order for the child to grow emotionally, the child needs to assert his or her own needs by resisting the parent's attempt to make the child their emotional caregiver.  Resisting the parent is usually very difficult and beyond what most children are able to do.

In order for the parent to grow, the parent needs to mourn that s/he didn't get what s/he needed as a child and find other healthy ways of getting emotional needs met instead of depending on the child.

Getting Help in Therapy
It's often difficult for the child to assert his/her needs for fear of losing a parent's love.  Similarly, it's often difficult for a parent to resist depending upon the child emotionally.

For parent and child, psychotherapy is often helpful to overcome these challenges.

If you're struggling with these issues, rather than struggling alone, you could benefit from getting help in therapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to negotiate these emotional challenges so you can change, grow and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have worked with adult children and parents, both individually and together, to help them overcome these emotional challenges.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships

In a prior blog post, I wrote about Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships. That blog post presented the complex nature of mother-daughter relationships when there are problems with enmeshment. At this point, I would like to return to the topic of mother-daughter relationships to step back and look at these relationships over the course of the various life stages that mothers and daughters go through.

Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Mother-Daughter Relationships - Early Bonding:
There is no doubt that, in general, fathers are more involved with their children than they were a generation ago, which is encouraging. But the primary parental relationship for most girls and women remains the mother-daughter relationship.

During the 1940s and earlier, people believed that babies were born as blank screens, but we now know that from early infancy we're biologically "hard wired" for attachment. That means that infants seek warmth and comfort from Day One: the warmth and scent of her mother's skin, the comfort of her mother's breast, and the sound of her mother's voice. When bonding goes well between mother and infant, the baby feels a secure attachment to her mother. This secure attachment between mother and child makes it more likely, all other things being equal, that the child will develop healthy relationships later on in life.

Under optimal conditions during infancy, the baby and mother are also bonded through the mother's loving gaze. The baby sees herself in the mother's eyes and feels the mother's love. The mother, in turn, sees how comforted the baby feels being mirrored in the mother's eyes and this is comforting to the mother as well. This interaction provides a positive feedback loop between mother and child and reinforces this bond.

Mother and Daughter Relationships - From Early Years (18 months to age 5):
At around the age of 18-24 months, babies begin to learn to separate from their mothers for short periods of time. Margaret Mahler referred to the "separation/individuation" phase when, under optimal circumstances, babies learn that their mothers continue to exist even when they are out of sight. This is also the time when babies begin to assert some of their autonomy by saying, "No!" If the mother is patient and recognizes this as a normal stage of development, babies gradually outgrow this sometimes difficult stage.

From about the age of four or five, most daughters idealize their mothers. They often find their mothers to be attractive and glamorous. At this stage, many girls want to mimic their mothers by putting on the their mothers' makeup or playing dress-up with "mommy's clothes." They often think of their mothers as beautiful and all-knowing.

Some daughters have a hard time separating from their mothers when it's time to start school (this occurs with sons as well sometimes). It's their first time away from the security they feel with their mother to be in a new and strange environment with a stranger (the teacher) who is now in charge. Most of the time, young girls are able to make this adjustment, and the mother remains their primary attachment figure.

Mother-Daughter Relationships - During the Daughter's Adolescence:
While mothers are idealized when children are four or five years old, teenagers often see their mothers as being old fashioned or "out of it." This is another stage where children are learning to separate themselves emotionally from their mothers.

This stage can be bewildering to mothers who often say, "What happened to my relationship with my daughter?" This is a time when teens bond with their peer group, and a friend's advice or opinion is often valued more than a mother's.

Tension and conflict during this period of time can be managed if both mothers and daughters accept and respect each other rather than viewing each other as the enemy. Since they're the adults, mothers have a greater onus for being understanding and fostering good relationships with their daughters. However, daughters must also learn to be open and respectful towards their mothers. Mothers need to learn to allow their daughters an age-appropriate degree of autonomy, but mothers must also provide guidance and support while setting boundaries for their daughters. Daughters will often test these boundaries, but this is also a normal part of adolescence.

Mother-Daughter Relationships - Daughters in Their 20s and 30s:
During their 20s, daughters are no longer teenagers, but some of them, depending upon their level of maturity, might not feel like adults yet. Prior to the 1990s, many daughters were able to go out on their own and live independently after college because apartments were more affordable. Now, with fewer rent stabilized and moderate income housing, many daughters continue to live at home for longer periods of time, depending upon their parents for longer as compared to prior generations.

During their 20s, many daughters often realize that their mothers are fallible and they don't always have all of the answers. During this period, many of them are being challenged by career choices and choosing a mate. Often, they're learning how to distinguish themselves from their mothers while attempting to maintain a bond with them.

During their 30s, many daughters are starting to come into their own with regard to career and their own family. Under ideal circumstances, they are less emotionally and financially dependent on their mothers. They often realize that their ideas differ from their mothers with regard to certain values. At this point, if they are in committed relationships with a significant others, under optimal circumstances, daughters are learning to put their partners first. This can create tension in the mother-daughter relationship, unless mothers understand that this is a normal part of development.

Mother-Daughter Relationships - 40s and Beyond:
Although there are many sons who help to take care of their elderly mothers, traditionally, for better or worse, it has been the daughter's responsibility to take care of elderly parents. For many women, who are "sandwiched" between their own families and their parents, this can be very challenging. During this time, daughters and mothers start to come to terms with the fact that mothers are aging and have more years behind them than ahead. How well they deal with this is often dependent upon how well their relationship has developed until this point.

Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships

This is also often a time when mothers and daughters let go of old resentments in light of the fact that mothers are elderly at this point and time might be short for reconciliation. Under most circumstances, daughters often develop a different perspective of what's important, especially if they now have their own children and they understand better what their mothers went through with them.

In future blog posts, I will continue to explore mother-daughter relationships.

About Me
I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist, and EMDR therapist. I work with individuals and couples.

As a psychotherapist, I have helped many mothers and daughters, individually and together, to improve their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.