What is Compersion in Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships?

What is Compersion?

Compersion is wholehearted participation in the happiness of others.  

Compersion is the opposite of jealousy.

It's possible for you to experience compersion in any type of relationship or with any group of people.

Compersion: Wholehearted Participation in the Happiness of Others

Where Did the Word Compersion Come From?

The Sanskrit word called mudita goes back at least 2,500 years. We don't have an exact translation for mudita in English. The closest translation is sympathetic joy.  

The word compersion is a word that was specifically coined for polyamory in a polyamorous community in San Francisco, CA.

How Does Compersion Relate to Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships

Experiencing compersion in a consensual nonmonogamous relationship means you're genuinely happy for your partner's joy in other romantic or sexual relationships that you have both consented to in advance.

Compersion and Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships

Those who have developed the ability to feel compersion in their relationships say that compersion occurs when you can let go of your insecurities and projections and work on experiencing compersion.

There are some people who identify themselves as being naturally polyamorous and compersion comes more easily to them.  They usually don't have many of the same challenges that other people have with jealous.

Most other people, who have successfully developed compersion, had to work on it to develop this ability. 

In addition to developing compersion, they had to work on becoming autonomous individuals in their relationship(s).

What Does It Mean to Be An Autonomous Individual in Relationship(s)?

Being an autonomous individual in a relationship means that:

• You have self awareness and you have a strong sense of what you think, feel and want.

• You appreciate your individuality even when you're in a relationship.

• You have your own beliefs and your own path that you're following.

• You're able to express to your partner(s) what you feel.

• You're able to tolerate hearing what your partner feels without falling apart emotionally--even if your partner tells you something you don't want to hear.

• You maintain your social support network, including your close friends and loved ones.

• You maintain and develop your own individual interests and hobbies which are separate from your romantic and sexual relationship(s).

• You're able to self soothe and take care of yourself when things aren't going well for you.

• You appreciate alone time without feeling lonely or isolated.

• You encourage your partner(s) to pursue their own interests and hobbies without you.

How Does Being an Autonomous Individual Relate to Compersion?

Compersion is a radical idea that not everyone can or wants to achieve, especially when it comes to being in a non-traditional relationship, like a consensual nonmonogamous or polyamorous relationship, or engaging in certain forms of kinky sex like threesomes where you and your partner(s) get involved with people outside your relationship(s).

Before you engage in a consensual nonmonogamy or in kinky sex, like threesomes or cuckolding, you need to be honest with yourself and with your partner(s) as to whether these choices are right for you.

Some people just know whether consensual nonmonogamy and kinky sex are right for them and others try it to find out if it's the right choice.

Special Challenges: Unresolved Abandonment Issues and an Anxious Attachment Style

Many people who are anxious, insecure, who have unresolved childhood trauma, including fear of abandonment or an anxious attachment style , have a great deal of difficulty being polyamorous, consensually nonmonogamous or engaging in certain types of kinky sex with others because it's too psychologically triggering for them.

Although more people are trying consensual nonmonogamy, the vast majority of people still want to be in monogamous relationships. So, even if you don't have a history of trauma, you might not want to explore these alternative relationships, and that's okay.  

Are You Considering Opening Up Your Relationship?

Jealousy is a normal emotion, so even if you're actively working on compersion because you and your partner(s) want to open up your relationship or you both want to try certain forms of kinky sex that involve other people, you'll probably experience some jealousy.  It's a matter of degree.

Many people who decide to open up their relationship have worked through issues of jealousy to achieve compersion, so it is possible.

There are also some people who aren't really jealous.  They probably have the easiest time with feeling compersion for their partners because jealousy doesn't get in the way of their feeling happy when their partners experience joy having sexual and romantic feelings for other people.

Working in Sex Therapy to Come Up With An Agreement For a Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationship

Compersion is based on trusting yourself and your partner(s).

Working on a Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationship Agreement

If you're considering a consensual nonmonogamous relationship and you want to build trust with your partner(s), it's important that you and your partner(s) have a written agreement that you negotiate together.  

Most psychotherapists and couples therapists aren't trained to work with unconventional relationships that include compersion.  

Therapists who aren't trained in sex therapy often pathologize alternative relationship choices, including consensual nonmonogamy and kinky sex, which will only confuse you.

Seek help from a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in modern sex therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and modern Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who is also a trauma therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Cope With Feeling Left Out

At some point, everyone has had the experience of feeling left out. This can be a passing experience or it can be a chronic problem where you might be unaware of things you're doing that contribute to the problem.

Feeling Left Out 

How to Cope With Feeling Left Out

• Accept Your Emotions: It's normal to feel upset when you feel left out. If you find out that a friend invited other mutual friends out for dinner and you weren't invited, you can feel hurt and excluded. Before you react, take time to accept how you're feeling and that you might not have all the information. For instance, there might have been an unintentional break down in communication or a missed call or text.

• Take a Deep Breath: Take a moment to breathe before you respond without having all the facts.

• Do Some Grounding Exercises: Grounding means getting centered and calm. Using certain mind-body grounding techniques can help to calm your mind and your body (see my article: Using Grounding Techniques).

• Write About It: Journaling can help you to understand what you're feeling and whether what happened might be triggering old feelings from the past, which would add intensity to what you're experiencing in the current situation.

• Talk to Someone Who is Impartial and Outside the Situation: Talking it out with someone you trust can help you to see other possibilities.  You could gain perspective from talking to someone who is objective.

• Avoid Jumping to Conclusions: Before you react, avoid jumping to conclusions. You might have been left out of a group text or email by mistake. So, it's always a good idea not to react before you have all the facts (see my article: How to Stop Jumping to Conclusions and Personalizing Other People's Behavior).

How to Be More Approachable in Social Situations

Sometimes when people feel left out in social situations, they don't realize they're doing things that make them seem unapproachable.  

Feeling Left Out

It can be challenging to look at yourself and think about how you might be affecting the situation where you feel left out.

If you're uncomfortable in social situations, you might be coming across as aloof, bored or uninterested in what's going on around you.  People might also misinterpret your discomfort as annoyance.

The following tips can help:

• Be Aware of Your Body Language: People pick up on social cues by observing body language much more than words.  So, for instance, if you're feeling uncomfortable and you're standing with your arms crossed, you look closed off and, possibly, unapproachable.  

• Develop a More Open Posture:  Standing or sitting without arms or legs crossed with an open posture makes you look more open and approachable.

• Make Eye Contact: When you do get a chance to talk to someone, make good eye contact, but don't lock eyes with someone you're just getting to know. A good rule is to make eye contact about 60% of the time.

• Smile: Although it might be difficult to smile when you're uncomfortable, try to think about something that makes you happy and confident. 

• Avoid Distractions: Your cellphone is a distraction in a social situation. If you're on your phone, people won't want to interrupt you because you don't look open to communicating with them.

• Avoid Blocks Between You and Others: If you're in a social situation, avoid placing blocks between you and others. For instance, if you're sitting on a couch at a party, don't hold a couch pillow against yourself.  This blocks you off from others and signals you're not accessible.

• Avoid Nervous Habits: Fidgeting and other nervous habits might be interpreted as not being open to talking with others. This includes nervously scrolling on your phone, playing with your hair, and other nervous habits that people engage in when they're uncomfortable.

• Stay Attuned to Others: When you're having a conversation with someone, pay attention to what they're saying.  Aside from making eye contact, nod to show you're listening and interested.

When to Get Help in Therapy

Many people who feel left out because they have social anxiety.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, approximately 12.1% of people suffer with social anxiety, so you're not alone.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you get to the underlying reasons for your anxiety, help you to build confidence in yourself and learn skills to manage social situations that make you uncomfortable.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome anxiety.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Committed Relationship

I'm continuing a discussion in this article that I started in my prior article about relationships based on Dr. Stephen A. Mitchell's book, Can Love Last?.

Integrating Love and Sexual Desire in a Relationship

Togetherness in a Relationship vs. the Need for Autonomy

While it's true that sexual passion often wanes somewhat over time in a long term relationship, people who experience a split in their feelings between love and desire are often in conflict about their need for emotional closeness vs. individual autonomy in the same relationship.  

Psychoanalyst and social philosopher Erich Fromm addressed this paradox in his book, The Art of Loving, which was published in 1956 as follows: Love longs for closeness and sexual desire thrives on distance.

Similarly, relationship and sex therapist, Esther Perel, Ph.D. wrote in her book, Mating in Captivity, published in 2017, "Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other." 

Esther Perel addresses this paradox in relationships as follows: Emotional intimacy builds trust and security in the relationship, but as intimacy grows, sexual desire often wanes for many couples.

According to Dr. Perel, who cites Stephen Mitchell's work as well as her vast experience with couples, the couple's need for togetherness coexists with their need for autonomy.  If there is too much distance, the couple sacrifices connection. But if there's too much togetherness, this gets in the way of each person having their own autonomy. 

There is also no way to achieve connection between individuals in a relationship if they are too close--to the point of fusion--because there is no one with whom to connect. Therefore, in order for there to be a connection, there needs to be some psychological distance within the closeness of the relationship. This allows each person to be autonomous at the same time they are close and connected in a relationship together.

Although love thrives on closeness, according to Dr. Perel, sexual desire thrives on mystery and novelty.  In addition, she posits that love is about "having" and desire is about "wanting" (see my article: To Rekindle Passion in Your Relationship, Fire Needs Air).

This means that each individual in the relationship needs to develop themselves as individuals rather than focusing on eliminating any distance to quell feelings of insecurity or fear of being alone (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

Clinical Vignette:

The following vignette, which is based on a composite of many cases with all identifying information eliminated, illustrates the dilemma of negotiating closeness and psychological distance in a relationship:

Nan and Bill

When Nan and Bill, who were in their mid-30s, started couples therapy with an EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples) therapist, they had been together for two years (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples also known as EFT?).

Their presenting problem was that they were talking about moving in together, but they were in conflict about how much time to spend together, which was getting in the way of Nan moving in with Bill.

Nan explained to their couples therapist that when they started seeing each other, they were both excited to spend several days during the week together.  Everything was new and exciting for the first few months, Nan explained.  But by the time they were together for eight months, Bill was complaining that he didn't get to spend any time with his buddies or engage in his hobbies.  He wanted to cut back on some of the time they spent together, which hurt Nan's feelings (see my article: Compromising on Time Together vs Time Apart in Your Relationship).

In addition, Bill revealed in couples therapy that these issues affected their sex life. Specifically, he felt he and Nan spent so much time together that he didn't feel as sexually aroused with her, which he felt badly about, but he wanted to bring this up in their session.  

Although it was hurtful for Nan to hear Bill say this, she acknowledged that she realized how all their time together was impacting their sex life.  She said she wanted to improve their sex life, but she was fearful of spending less time together because it made her feel insecure about the relationship.

Nan told their couples therapist that she liked spending as much time as possible with Bill, and she couldn't understand why he felt the need to spend time with his friends because she didn't feel the need to spend time with her friends.

Bill acknowledged that he felt excited about their relationship during the first several months when they were getting to know each other.  But, he explained, he was feeling stifled by Nan because he wanted to spend time with his buddies and also work on his hobbies.  He emphasized that he loved Nan and he hoped they could build a life together, but he needed time to himself, which Nan didn't seem to need.

Although she felt embarrassed to say this in their couples therapy session, Nan admitted that when Bill mentioned he wanted to spend time with his friends, her first thought was that this would be less time spent with her.  She said she didn't want to be selfish, but she wanted Bill to understand how she felt.

Over time, Nan revealed that she was in a similar situation as the middle child in her family where she felt her older and younger sisters got most of her parents' attention.  She realized that her experience in her family was impacting how she felt in her relationship, so Nan entered into her own individual therapy to work on these earlier issues (see my article: When a Traumatic Past Affects You in the Present).

As Nan learned how to separate the past from the present and she no longer felt triggered by Bill spending time with friends or engaging in his hobbies, she felt more comfortable with Bill having more autonomy.  She also recognized that she was neglecting her friendships, so she spent more time with friends.  

Both of them agreed that when they had other experiences and interests away from each other, they each brought something new to the relationship, which rekindled their sex life.  Soon after that, they moved in together and they remained committed to their relationship as well as to developing as individuals.

Conclusion

Balancing closeness and autonomy in a committed relationship can be challenging.  However, as illustrated in the vignette above, couples can learn to negotiate this balance.

Achieving the right balance of being together and being autonomous requires a recognition of the paradox outlined in this article. It also involves practice to see what works best for your relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

Balancing the need for emotional closeness with the need for autonomy for each individual can be especially challenging when the individuals in the relationship don't agree about the amount of closeness and autonomy needed.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with couples.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to negotiate the balance that's right for your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are the Characteristics of a Healthy Family?

Articles about family dynamics are mostly focused on dysfunctional families (see my articles: Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families). But, of course, there are also healthy, functional families, and I think it's also worth discussing the characteristics of a healthy family, which is the focus of this article.

What Are the Characteristics of a Healthy Family?

There's no such thing as the "perfect family" and the concepts related to functional and dysfunctional families are really on a spectrum with many families falling somewhere in between (see my article: A "Happy Family" Doesn't Mean a Perfect Family and Happy Families: A Strong Family Narrative Can Help to Build Resilience).

Characteristics of Functional Families:
The following characteristics describe a functional family:

• A Safe Home Environment:  All family members feel emotionally and physically safe in the family home.  Each member of the family can express his or her feelings respectfully without fear of being ridiculed, criticized, dismissed or belittled.  There is no emotional, physical, sexual or abuse of any kind.  There is no substance abuse or addiction of any kind.

• Parents Work Together to Co-Parent:  In a healthy family, parents work together as a team. A parent doesn't try to undermine the other parent or try to get children to take his/her side.  Parents work together to co-parent the children, even if they are divorced (see my article:  Co-Parenting After the Divorce).

• Children Are Allowed to Be Children: As opposed to a dysfunctional family where children are often put into various rigid roles, like the family scapegoat or the "golden child," in a healthy family, children are allowed to be children in an age-appropriate way. They are not expected to over-function for the parents or take on parental roles (see my articles: The Role of the Family Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families, How Psychotherapy Can Help Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: The Golden Child and Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

• Siblings Are Encouraged to Cooperate With Each Other: In a healthy family, siblings are encouraged to help one another and cooperate with one another (as opposed to a dysfunctional family where children are often pitted against each other). This doesn't mean that there isn't sibling rivalry or that siblings won't argue.  Basically, it means that the children have each other's back.

• Personal Boundaries Are Respected:  Family members respect each other's personal boundaries and function in a healthy way.  Parents function as mature adults without crossing boundaries by trying to be their children's friend.  They allow the children to have privacy and the children respect their parents' privacy.  Parents don't interfere in their adult children's relationships, and adult children don't overstep boundaries in their parents relationship (see my articles: Why Your Child Can't Be Your Best Friend, Learn to Stop Interfering in Your Adult Child's Relationship and Ambivalence and Codependency in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

• Healthy Values Are Instilled: Parents who instill healthy values, including respect for others who are different from you, are helping their children to grow into healthy individuals.  These values might be spiritual, a formal religion or an overall ethical view of life.  At the very least healthy values include living by the "Golden Rule" of treating others as you would want to be treated (see my article: Living Authentically - Aligned With Your Values and Becoming Your True Self).

• Coping Skills Are Taught: As part of their natural development, very young children have low frustration tolerance and very little in the way of coping skills.  As children mature, it's the parents' responsibility to teach children healthy coping skills in an age-appropriate way.  By learning healthy coping skills, children grow into adults who can cope with small and large crises that are a normal part of life.

• Promises and Commitments Are Honored: For children to have a sense of security, it's important for family members to honor their promises and commitments.  While this might not always be possible, placing a high value on keeping promises and commitments will go a long way to fostering a healthy family environment (see my article: Keeping or Your Breaking Your Promises).

• Mistakes Are Acknowledged: Whether it's the parents or the children who make a mistake, family members acknowledge, take responsibility and make amends (see my article: The Courage to Admit You Made a Mistake).  In addition, parents raise children who are not afraid to make mistakes--as long as the mistakes aren't harmful to others (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes).

• Healthy Communication is Modeled and Encouraged: Parents model healthy communication with each other.  They encourage their children to talk to them about whatever is bothering them, and children feel safe enough to come to their parents without fear of being belittled or ridiculed.  Parents also communicate to children about changes in the family in an age-appropriate manner (see my article: Talking to Your Young Child About Your Divorce).

• Disagreements Are Settled in a Respectful Way: All families have times when there are disagreements between family members.  What is most important is how these disagreements are handled and how relationships within the family are repaired if there is a disagreement.  Parents and children respect one another even when they disagree.

• Time Together is Valued: Family time is valued, including eating meals together as a family as much as possible, celebrating holidays and birthdays together, creating family traditions, and so on.  As children become adolescents, they will want to spend more time with their friends, which is a natural part of being a teenager and wanting more age-appropriate autonomy.  Family time could also include telling stories about extended family and prior generations so that children develop a healthy sense that they are part of a larger family network.

• Change and Autonomy Are Respected: In a healthy family, parents recognize that their children have their own minds.  As children get older, children might develop values and opinions that are different.  Parents in a healthy family also allow for age-appropriate change and autonomy.  Differences are respected (see my article:  Being the "Different One" in Your Family).

Conclusion:
The concept of a healthy, functional family is on a continuum rather than it being an all-or-nothing issue of being functional or dysfunctional.

In most cases, rather than worrying to be the "perfect parent," it's important to realize that, to paraphrase Donald Winnicott, a British psychoanalyst and pediatrician, you just need to be "good enough."

I have included the characteristics of a healthy family in this article.  You might think of other characteristics and, if you do, you can drop me a line at the email listed below.

Getting Help in Therapy
Whether you're struggling with unresolved childhood issues that are affecting you now or other problems that you've been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from attending psychotherapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A licensed mental health professional can help you to resolve your problems so you can lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Comfort Objects From Infancy Through Adulthood

In prior articles, I've discussed Donald Winnicott's contributions to the field of psychology (see my articles: The Creation of the Holding Environment in Psychotherapy, Books: Tea With Winnicott at 87 Chester Square, Understanding the False Self and On Being Alone).  As a pediatrician and psychoanalyst, Winnicott also contributed the idea of the child's need for comfort objects (also called transitional objects).  But comfort objects are not only for babies--they play an important role throughout our lives.

When Donald Winnicott discussed transitional objects in the mid-20th century, there was little understanding of these concepts among pediatricians and mental health professionals.  The field of child psychology was still relatively new and many people saw children as little adults rather than children who had their own emotional and developmental needs.

According to Winnicott, the baby is comforted by an object, usually a blanket or a soft toy (like a teddy bear)) that is soothing to the baby to hold.

The transitional object helps to soothe the baby when the mother is not holding the baby.

These transitional objects also help the baby, as the baby is developing, to create a transitional space between the times when the baby is with the mother and other times when she is not.

As I mentioned before, transitional objects are usually associated with children, but we all benefit from having transitional objects throughout the life cycle.

Let's explore these concepts further in a fictionalized vignette:

Alan
As a baby, Alan liked to hold onto his favorite blanket as he was falling asleep.  Sometimes, his mother would watch him fall asleep while he was gently chewing on the blanket or a soft toy.

Comfort Objects From Infancy Through Adulthood

Whenever Alan's mother tried to take the blanket from him to wash it, Alan would cry so hard that she would give it back to him.

When she asked Alan's pediatrician about this, he told her that this is a common reaction that babies have at this stage.  He explained that the baby likes to hold, smell, and chew on the blanket (or whatever comfort object the baby prefers) and likes it just the way it is--smells and all.  So, he told her not to worry about it.

When Alan was about three years old, he had a teddy bear that was his comfort object.  He dragged that teddy bear all over the house with him.

When he was in his room, Alan would listen to his mother in the kitchen washing the dishes and talking to her friend.  At this stage of his development, it was enough for Alan to hear his mother and know that she was only a short distance away even though he couldn't see her.  He had his teddy bear to comfort him.

Alan did well when he started school.  He got along well with the other children and he really liked his teacher, Ms. Jones.

Towards the end of the school year, Ms. Jones began talking to the children about all the wonderful things they would learn next year.  She also told them that they would have a different teacher.

Until then, Alan hadn't thought about not being in the classroom with Ms. Jones and the idea of not being with her frightened him.

When he got home, he told his parents that he didn't want to go to the next grade because he wanted to remain with Ms. Jones.  His parents understood that this was a common reaction that children have, especially if they really like their first teacher, so they tried to comfort him by telling him that Ms. Jones would still be around and he would see her in school.

Ms. Jones also knew that Alan and many of the children in her class were unhappy about not having her as a teacher the following year, so they continued to talk about this in school.  She assured them that she would be around and told them where they could find her during the day.

On the last day of class, Ms. Jones took pictures with each student and allowed them to keep them.

Alan carried around his picture with Ms. Jones throughout the summer.  He also kept it in his shirt pocket on the first day of class.  Even though he missed Ms. Jones, he felt comforted by looking at the picture.

As Alan matured into a young adult, he made friends and he became more independent from his parents.  Although he continued to be close to his parents, he spent more time with his friends.

Like most people, Alan had other transitional objects throughout his lifetime.  After he graduated college, he wore his college ring.  And after his grandfather died, Alan wore his grandfather's watch.

Comfort Objects From Infancy Through Adulthood

Eventually, Alan got married.  His wife took a temporary assignment out of state for a few months.  Whenever he felt himself missing his wife, he would look at a picture of her that he kept on his nightstand and that helped him to feel a little better.

Conclusion
People use comfort objects, also known as transitional objects, throughout their lifetime.

Comfort objects help to soothe people during times of transition or stressful times.

A comfort object is a very personal thing and each individual will choose the objects that are most soothing to them.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or send me an email.

Why Your Child Can't Be Your Best Friend

In my previous article, Caregiving For a Depressed Mother as a Child and a Depressed Spouse as an Adult, I discussed how early dynamics between parent and child often get recreated in adult relationships.  In this article, I'm focusing on a particular dynamic between parent and child where the parent sees the child as his or her "best friend" and the child takes on the parental role (also known as the parentified child) and the parent takes on the child role.

Why Your Child Can't Be Your Best Friend

To explore how this parent-child dynamic develops, it's important to realize that the parent who sees the child as a best friend usually was in that same role with one or both of her parents as a child.  In other words, this is often an unconscious repetition, so it doesn't seem unusual to the parent.  On the contrary, it's very familiar because he or she lived through it as a child and considered it to be "normal."

The parent who treats their child as a best friend often didn't get her emotional needs met as a child because of her own role as a best friend to her parent (I'm saying "her," but this is also true of relationships between a parent and a son).

This dynamic can continue to repeat itself intergenerationally, so there can be three or four generations where the children are expected to focus on the emotional needs of the parent instead of the parent taking care of the emotional needs of the child.

This comes at a tremendous emotional cost to the child because she subordinates her emotional needs to the needs of the parent.  On the face of it, this might seem like an impossible task for a child, but many children learn to sacrifice their emotional needs for  their parent's needs, and they become very good at it--to their own detriment.

So, if this is happening intergenerationally, how can a family break this unhealthy cycle?

Well, it often occurs when the child approaches adulthood and struggles to develop a healthy sense of autonomy.  Although this is a healthy sign for the child, it can wreak havoc between the parent and adult child if the parent isn't willing to allow the child to be more independent.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized vignette which explores these dynamics:

Clarissa and Clara
Clarissa started therapy soon after she began submitting her college applications to out of state colleges.

Why Your Child Can't Be Your Best Friend

Clarissa was an only child who was still living at home.  Her mother, Clara, was a single parent.  At the point when Clarissa came to therapy, they were arguing about the fact that Clarissa wanted to go away to college.  Although Clarissa stood her ground with her mother, inwardly she felt deeply ambivalent about leaving her mother.

Not only did she fear that her mother would be very lonely without her but Clarissa knew that her mother relied on her when Clara felt especially depressed and discouraged.

On the one hand, Clarissa wanted to be away at college to experience more freedom and have the campus experience before she settled down in a career.  On an intuitive level, she knew this was what she needed emotionally and socially.  But, on the other hand, she felt guilty leaving her mother alone.

When they argued, Clarissa tried not to show her ambivalence because she feared that she would cave in to her mother's wishes and sacrifice her own needs.  But, internally, she was struggling with the possibility of letting go of her role as her mother's best friend.

As Clarissa explored her family history with her psychotherapist, she began to realize for the first time that she and her mother had a similar dynamic to her mother and maternal grandmother.

Similar to the maternal grandmother, Clara was in her mid-teens when she had Clarissa.  They both raised their children without the biological father with the help of their mothers. Clara was her mother's best friend and confidant and they usually did everything together.

When Clarissa revealed to Clara that she wanted to go away to college, Clara was stunned.  She couldn't understand why Clarissa would want to leave their town where their family had roots for many generations.

Clara had always hoped that she and Clarissa would have a similar relationship to the one that Clara had with her mother.  She told her that Clarissa that she considered it a form of betrayal that she would want to move away to college for four years.

Clarissa talked to her therapist about how she grew up listening to her mother's problems.  Even as a young child, she tried to help her mother to overcome feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

Even though she was only a young child, she felt she did a good job of shoring her mother up emotionally.  But now, she wanted something more--something for herself for a change.  She asked her therapist, "Am I being selfish?"

Over time, Clarissa's therapist helped her to work through her ambivalence to see that what she wanted for herself was healthy and necessary for her well-being.

Being able to look at her situation through her therapist's eyes, Clarissa could see, for the first time, that what was expected of her as a child wasn't healthy for her.  At the same time, she had a lot of compassion for her mother.

When Clarissa felt ready, she asked Clara to come to a therapy session with her.  Although Clara said she "didn't believe in therapy," she came to the session with a wary eye on the therapist.

When Clarissa explained to Clara why she wanted to go away to college, Clara burst into tears.  Although they had had this same talk many times before on their own, Clara realized that Clarissa made up her mind and it was final.

Clara explained to Clarissa and the therapist that she wanted what was best for her daughter, but she felt it would be unbearable for her to be home alone, especially since her mother died the year before.  She would have no one.

Clara idealized her relationship with her mother and told them that, from the time Clarissa was born, she wanted the same relationship with Clarissa that she and her mother had.  She was her mother's best friend and she hoped that Clarissa would be her best friend always.

But now that Clarissa wanted to go away, she saw all of this falling apart for her.  She couldn't understand why Clarissa couldn't go to the local college so they could remain together.  The therapist suggested that Clara could benefit from seeing her own therapist, but Clara brushed this off.

When Clarissa came to her next therapy session, she told her therapist that she felt more confident in her decision, even though she still felt guilty about leaving her mother.

Why Your Child Can't Be Your Best Friend

Eventually, Clarissa went off to college.  She continued to work on the emotional separation process from her mother with a therapist at the counseling center.

Her relationship with her mother remained fraught until her mother began developing her own friendships and interests in her church.

Over time, they were able to repair their relationship.  Clarissa enjoyed her new sense of autonomy and she felt that she was finally taking care of her own emotional needs.

Conclusion
When parents have their own unmet emotional needs from childhood, and especially if they were parentified children with one or both parents, they are more likely to try to get their unmet needs through their children.

This is usually an emotional blind spot for the parent.   In most cases the parent is unaware that she is doing harm to the child.  She's just doing what feels right, often based on her own childhood.

Children will often try to extend themselves beyond their emotional maturity and sacrifice their own needs in order to please their parents.

Even when the child attempts to resist being a parentified child, he or she often feels guilty about not being able to meet their parent's needs.

In order for the child to grow emotionally, the child needs to assert his or her own needs by resisting the parent's attempt to make the child their emotional caregiver.  Resisting the parent is usually very difficult and beyond what most children are able to do.

In order for the parent to grow, the parent needs to mourn that s/he didn't get what s/he needed as a child and find other healthy ways of getting emotional needs met instead of depending on the child.

Getting Help in Therapy
It's often difficult for the child to assert his/her needs for fear of losing a parent's love.  Similarly, it's often difficult for a parent to resist depending upon the child emotionally.

For parent and child, psychotherapy is often helpful to overcome these challenges.

If you're struggling with these issues, rather than struggling alone, you could benefit from getting help in therapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to negotiate these emotional challenges so you can change, grow and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have worked with adult children and parents, both individually and together, to help them overcome these emotional challenges.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Resist the Urge to Merge

One of the challenges of being in a relationship is to maintain your sense of autonomy.  So that even though you're part of a couple, you still maintain the sense of being yourself as an individual rather than getting lost in your partner.  But so many individuals, who are in relationships, lose that sense of autonomy as the boundaries between them and their partners gets blurred and they begin to merge into each other.  

Relationships: Resist the Urge to Merge

A composite vignette, which represents many cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates how individuals in a relationship can lose their sense of autonomy as the boundaries get blurred in the relationship:

Helen and Jack
Helen and Jack were both in their late 20s when they met each other at a mutual friend's wedding.  After dating for a couple of months, Helen moved into Jack's apartment.  Since they had only been dating a short time, Helen's friend  urged her to sublet her apartment in case it didn't work out.  But Helen didn't want Jack to think she had any doubts about their relationship, so she gave up her apartment to be with him.

They really got to know each other a lot better after they moved in together.  They already knew that they had a lot in common, but they also discovered that they had a lot of differences too.

For instance, Helen discovered that Jack had a deep resentment and mistrust for all religions.  Helen was raised with a strong sense of religion and she felt an emotional connection to her church.  She still attended her church every Sunday.  But when she realized that Jack had many negative feelings about the church, she stopped going because she was concerned that it might cause problems in their relationship.

Her friends told her that Jack was entitled to his feelings, but so was she, and he should respect her feelings.  But Helen brushed this off and gave up Sunday services so she could spend all of her time with Jack.

After a while, Helen began giving up more and more of what she liked.  She said she was doing this so she could spend more time with Jack.  Her friends felt that Helen was giving up too much of herself and she was really blurring the boundaries between herself and Jack to the point where they seemed as if they were almost fused into one person.

Eventually, Helen stopped seeing her friends.  She only wanted to spend her time with Jack.  Jack also gave up most of his friendships to spend all of his free time with Helen.  After a while, not only were they spending all of their free time together, but they were also wearing clothes that matched each other to be even more "in synch" with each other.

But along the way, instead of being more in synch, they started getting bored with one another.  Since they were always together whenever they had free time, they had little that was new to say to one another.  Within a year, they were irritable with each other and arguing a lot.  A few months later, they broke up.

When Helen called her friends, whom she had not seen in quite a while, they were annoyed that she was contacting them now that Jack was no longer in the picture.  Most of them forgave her. And Helen realized that she had made a big mistake by allowing herself to become almost fused with Jack in this emotionally unhealthy way.

Merger or Fusion in a Relationship is a Common Problem
This vignette shows how individuals in a relationship can blur the boundaries to the point where they lose their sense of autonomy.  Not every couple merges to the degree that Jack and Helen did.  There are degrees of this problem, but it's still not healthy.

Being in a relationship shouldn't mean that you give up things that you really value, as Helen did with her religion.  When two people get together, there needs to be enough that they have in common, but there can also be differences that each person can respect.

Giving up close friendships is a mistake that many people make once they get into a relationship.  But it's important that each person have close relationships outside their relationship with each other.  This puts less pressure on the relationship and also allows each person to be an individual.

Getting Help in Therapy
Merger or fusion between two people in a relationship is a common problem that many people face.  If you find yourself in this type of relationship and you're unable to work it out on your own, you could benefit from couples counseling with a couples counselor who has expertise in this area.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.