Comfort Objects From Infancy Through Adulthood

In prior articles, I've discussed Donald Winnicott's contributions to the field of psychology (see my articles: The Creation of the Holding Environment in Psychotherapy, Books: Tea With Winnicott at 87 Chester Square, Understanding the False Self and On Being Alone).  As a pediatrician and psychoanalyst, Winnicott also contributed the idea of the child's need for comfort objects (also called transitional objects).  But comfort objects are not only for babies--they play an important role throughout our lives.

When Donald Winnicott discussed transitional objects in the mid-20th century, there was little understanding of these concepts among pediatricians and mental health professionals.  The field of child psychology was still relatively new and many people saw children as little adults rather than children who had their own emotional and developmental needs.

According to Winnicott, the baby is comforted by an object, usually a blanket or a soft toy (like a teddy bear)) that is soothing to the baby to hold.

The transitional object helps to soothe the baby when the mother is not holding the baby.

These transitional objects also help the baby, as the baby is developing, to create a transitional space between the times when the baby is with the mother and other times when she is not.

As I mentioned before, transitional objects are usually associated with children, but we all benefit from having transitional objects throughout the life cycle.

Let's explore these concepts further in a fictionalized vignette:

Alan
As a baby, Alan liked to hold onto his favorite blanket as he was falling asleep.  Sometimes, his mother would watch him fall asleep while he was gently chewing on the blanket or a soft toy.

Comfort Objects From Infancy Through Adulthood

Whenever Alan's mother tried to take the blanket from him to wash it, Alan would cry so hard that she would give it back to him.

When she asked Alan's pediatrician about this, he told her that this is a common reaction that babies have at this stage.  He explained that the baby likes to hold, smell, and chew on the blanket (or whatever comfort object the baby prefers) and likes it just the way it is--smells and all.  So, he told her not to worry about it.

When Alan was about three years old, he had a teddy bear that was his comfort object.  He dragged that teddy bear all over the house with him.

When he was in his room, Alan would listen to his mother in the kitchen washing the dishes and talking to her friend.  At this stage of his development, it was enough for Alan to hear his mother and know that she was only a short distance away even though he couldn't see her.  He had his teddy bear to comfort him.

Alan did well when he started school.  He got along well with the other children and he really liked his teacher, Ms. Jones.

Towards the end of the school year, Ms. Jones began talking to the children about all the wonderful things they would learn next year.  She also told them that they would have a different teacher.

Until then, Alan hadn't thought about not being in the classroom with Ms. Jones and the idea of not being with her frightened him.

When he got home, he told his parents that he didn't want to go to the next grade because he wanted to remain with Ms. Jones.  His parents understood that this was a common reaction that children have, especially if they really like their first teacher, so they tried to comfort him by telling him that Ms. Jones would still be around and he would see her in school.

Ms. Jones also knew that Alan and many of the children in her class were unhappy about not having her as a teacher the following year, so they continued to talk about this in school.  She assured them that she would be around and told them where they could find her during the day.

On the last day of class, Ms. Jones took pictures with each student and allowed them to keep them.

Alan carried around his picture with Ms. Jones throughout the summer.  He also kept it in his shirt pocket on the first day of class.  Even though he missed Ms. Jones, he felt comforted by looking at the picture.

As Alan matured into a young adult, he made friends and he became more independent from his parents.  Although he continued to be close to his parents, he spent more time with his friends.

Like most people, Alan had other transitional objects throughout his lifetime.  After he graduated college, he wore his college ring.  And after his grandfather died, Alan wore his grandfather's watch.

Comfort Objects From Infancy Through Adulthood

Eventually, Alan got married.  His wife took a temporary assignment out of state for a few months.  Whenever he felt himself missing his wife, he would look at a picture of her that he kept on his nightstand and that helped him to feel a little better.

Conclusion
People use comfort objects, also known as transitional objects, throughout their lifetime.

Comfort objects help to soothe people during times of transition or stressful times.

A comfort object is a very personal thing and each individual will choose the objects that are most soothing to them.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or send me an email.

The Trauma of Everyday Life: The Buddha's Early Loss of His Mother

I just finished reading Dr. Mark Epstein's book, The Trauma of Everyday Life.

Mark Epstein is a psychoanalytically trained psychiatrist in private practice in NYC.  He is also a practicing Buddhist.

Statue of Buddha Under the Bodhi Tree

The theme of The Trauma of Everyday Life is that, "dukkha" or suffering, isn't just something that happens to an unlucky few.  It's a basic part of life.  It affects all of us at some point in our lives, whether it's the death of a loved one, experiencing a shocking event, our own serious health issues or the natural decline of old age and anticipation of death.  No one is exempt from experiencing trauma.

One of the themes of the book is Buddha's early loss of his mother.

Before we discuss this early loss further, it's important to understand how memory works and the difference between implicit and explicit memory.

Implicit vs Explicit Memory and Trauma
Many people mistakenly assume that children have no memories of their experiences before the age of two.  If this were true, then babies wouldn't have any memories of traumatic losses that occurred to them.  They would also have no good memories of being held, cared for and loved.  However, we now know that infants are capable of storing memories from birth, including happy as well as traumatic memories.

To understand how this is possible, we need to know the difference between implicit memory and explicit memory.

Implicit memory is what we use when we walk, dance, throw a ball or engage in similar activities.  So, for instance, when we walk, we don't have to be conscious of taking a step one foot and then the left foot or how to balance ourselves.  We just do it.  Implicit memory is unconscious.

Implicit memory is what we all have before we have verbally based memories, which are explicit memories.  Until about 18 months, implicit memory is the only memory that we have.

"Relational knowing," which includes expressing affection and the ability to form friendships and relationships, is based on implicit memory.

On the other hand, explicit memory is what we normally think of when we talk about memory.  Explicit memory allows for conscious recollection.

Explicit memory is also called "narrative" or "declarative" memory.  It involves conscious thoughts and language that enables us to symbolize and make sense of what's happening to ourselves and the world around us.

We now know that traumatic experiences, including early loss for infants, are held in implicit memory.  These memories exist in the body at an unconscious level.

Early traumatic memories, although not explicitly remembered, are dissociated and remain unprocessed until they are either emotionally triggered or worked on in therapy.

The Buddha's Early Loss of His Mother
According to Mark Epstein, the Buddha lost his mother when he was only seven days old.

Statue of Queen Maya of Sakya, Buddha's Mother, at the Temple of Swayabhuncth

As a psychotherapist, who has a psychoanalytic background, I'm very aware of how this type of traumatic early loss can affect a person as a child and later on as an adult.

The early days of bonding between a mother and an infant are very important for the infant's development as well as the quality of interpersonal relationships that he and she can have later on (see my article:  How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships).

Based on stories of his life, after his mother's death, the Buddha was well cared for by his aunt and his father, and every effort was made during his early days to keep him from explicitly knowing about the traumas of everyday life, including sickness and death.

But, according to Mark Epstein, even though Buddha was surrounded by joy and wealth, as well as a caring family, as a young man, Buddha felt that "something was missing."

We don't know if Buddha's feelings of estrangement or alienation stemmed from his confrontation as a young man with the realities of sickness and death or if it stemmed from the early loss of his mother, which would have been an unconscious feeling for him.

But we do know that the Buddha was able to create for himself an inner emotional attunement to process his feelings.  He did this, according to Mark Epstein, through the practice of mindfulness.  Rather than trying to escape his suffering, he acknowledged it, accepted that trauma is a part of everyday life, and he taught himself to balance and contain his suffering through mindfulness.

Working Through Early Trauma in Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy
As a psychotherapist, who specializes in working with trauma, I've worked with many clients who lost their mothers at an early age.  Even though they had no explicit memories of their mothers, they all had an inexplicable sense of loss that was hard for them to define.

Many people who have lost their mothers at an early age feel ashamed of their traumatic feelings.  Since they have no explicit memories of their mothers or of the loss, their implicit feelings feel amorphous and illogical.  And for those who were told by people, who don't know about implicit memories, that they couldn't possibly feel this loss, their shame feels even worse.

For many therapy clients, who have tried to work through early trauma in regular talk therapy, their experience is often that they have an intellectual understanding of their experience, especially once they learn about implicit memory and how they're carrying around the trauma on an unconscious level.

But having an intellectual understanding isn't the same as healing.

Mind-Body oriented psychotherapy, like clinical hypnosis, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing can help clients to access the unconscious experiences so that they can be worked through on an emotional level, and not just on an intellectual level (see my article:  Mind-Body Psychotherapy: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious).

Getting Help
Unresolved trauma often takes a toll on the person with the trauma as well as his or her loved ones.  If you are suffering with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get help.

When choosing a therapist, make sure that he or she is a licensed mental health practitioner in the state where you live.  I've included links below for directories of therapists who use either EMDR, Somatic Experiencing or clinical hypnosis.

About Me:
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Directories:
American Society of Clinical Hypnosis directory
EMDR Directory
Somatic Experiencing directory

Here is a short recording from the website, Bookotron.com:   Mark Epstein talks about The Trauma of Everyday Life.

How the Early Attachment Bond Can Affect Your Adult Relationships: Part 1

Most infants are born with the ability to bond with their primary caregivers, usually their mothers. Your early experience of bonding with your mother shapes how you will relate in your future relationships as an adult.  I discussed the importance of early bonding in a prior blog article: Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Bonding.

The Mother-Infant Bond

The infant's relationship with his or her mother is the first emotional relationship.  

Under optimal circumstances, if the mother provides the infant with a loving, secure emotional environment, the infant becomes "securely attached" to the mother, and this becomes the basis for future relationships as an adult.  (From here on, it's understood that when I say "mother," I'm referring to the child's primary caregiver.)

How Early Attachment Bonds Can Affect Adult Relationships

The British psychiatrist John Bowlby and the American psychologist Mary Ainsworfth developed the attachment bond theory.  The attachment bond theory indicates that the relationship between an infants and mothers is responsible for:

• influencing all future relationships
• developing the ability to be aware of our own feelings as well as empathizing with other people's feelings
• developing the ability to be resilient in the face of adversity

An early secure attachment bond allows an adult to:

• manage stress
• develop meaningful relationships with other people
• feel safe
• develop a sense of optimism
• develop the ability to be flexible
• feel secure

Mothers don't need to be "perfect" for infants to form secure emotional attachments.  They just need to be good enough.

In future blog articles, I'll go into more details about how the early attachment bond affects adult relationships, and how different parental styles with infants can result in different adult characteristics.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or send me email.

See my articles:  

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Relationships - Part 2: Insecure Attachment

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Relationships - Part 3: What Causes Insecure Attachment?

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Relationships - Part 4: Understanding the Impact