Writing About Your Mother After Her Death

I've written about grief in prior articles, including grief after parents die (see the end of this article for a list).  In this article, I'm focusing specifically on a mother's death and how writing can help you to heal. Although I'm focusing on mothers, you can, of course, apply what I've written to fathers, brothers, sisters, a spouse or any relatives or close friends.  I'm choosing to focus on mothers in this article because, for most people, it's usually the closest relationship you have from before your birth until death.

Writing About Your Mother After Her Death

Losing a mother is one of the biggest losses that anyone will ever face.  Even if you didn't have a good relationship with your mother, you might grieve for the aspects that were positive, if there were positive aspects to your relationship with her, and also for what you wanted and didn't get from your mother.

If your mother died and you were fortunate enough to say goodbye and express your feelings before she died, afterwards you might remember something you wanted to say and didn't or a question you would have liked to ask.

If you didn't get a chance to say goodbye, you probably feel a need to say goodbye and that much more after your mother died.

Writing About Your Mother After Her Death

It's common to feel regret about unexpressed feelings or questions after the death of your mother, and you might feel despair because you can no longer express these feelings or ask these questions.

But there are other ways to deal with working through grief and dealing with unresolved feelings.  One way is to spend time writing about your mother.

Writing can be an integrating process where your thoughts, feelings, memories, dreams and daydreams come together.

Writing About Your Mother After Her Death

• Keeping a Journal: Keeping a journal of whatever feelings, memories, dreams and thoughts you have is one way to use writing to heal yourself.  The journal would only be for you to see, unless you choose to share it with people close to you or with your psychotherapist.  Write whatever comes to mind and don't censor yourself.  What comes up won't always be loving thoughts.  You might feel angry for things that happened during her life or that you feel abandoned since she died.  You might also have other feelings that you weren't aware of until you start writing.

• Writing Poetry: If you enjoy reading and writing poetry, you might find it healing to write one or more poems about your mother that capture the essence of who she was and your relationship with her.  The use of metaphor and symbols in poetry can also help to express deep feelings as well as provide a healing experience for you.

• Writing Letters to Your Mother: If there were things you would have liked to say, but you didn't, writing letters to your mother in which you express your feelings can be helpful.  You can write one letter or a series of letters about different topics.  These letters won't all necessarily be loving.  There might be letters that are angry, sad, frustrating or express whatever feels unfinished to you.  Since your emotional relationship with your mother continues to grow and change over the years, you might have different, even contradictory, feelings at various times.  For instance, at one point, you might write a letter to "tell her" about a happy occasion, like your daughter's wedding and at another point, you might write about something you're experiencing where you wish you had her support, for example, if you're going through a divorce.  You might even imagine what your mother might have said about these situations and write letters from her perspective back to you.

• Writing a Short Story: If you grew up with your mother and had an ongoing relationship with her, you probably know a lot of stories about her life and your relationship with her.  Some of them might be sad and some might be humorous.  Capturing these experiences in a short story or two can help you to relive those experiences and to heal emotionally.  Even if you have to fill in certain parts of the story because you don't know what the whole story, you can imagine part of it and write about that part of it from your imagination.  

• Writing a Collection of Short Stories:  If you have many stories that you want to remember, you can write a collection of stories that you either keep for your own private use or share with family members and close friends.  How you use these stories is up to you.  If you write a collection of short stories, it can include stories that you know about from the time your mother was an infant (maybe she told you stories that she heard from her mother about infancy) until her death or you can choose certain significant milestones of her life to write about.  Each chapter can be about a different time in her life.  Although this might sound daunting, you don't have a deadline, so you're not under any pressure to complete this project by a specific date.  You can write these stories whenever you feel like it and you have time.  Once again, capturing these stories in writing can be a healing process.  

• Writing a Memoir:  Maybe you want to focus specifically on your relationship with your mother from your point of view and your relationship with her rather than about her personal life.  Writing a memoir doesn't have to capture her whole life or your whole life with your mother.  It can include whatever experiences are meaningful to you that you want to write about.  Once again, if you're doing this for yourself, there's no rush and no pressure.

Overcoming Obstacles to Writing
You might read these suggestions and say, "But I'm not a writer..."

Even if you've never kept a journal and never attempted any particular writing project, you can still write.

The problem that most people have with writing is getting started because they think their writing won't be good enough or that it should look and sound a certain way.

But, remember, you're doing this for yourself to help you with your grief, so no one will be judging your writing, except maybe you if you happen to be particularly critical of yourself.

To overcome this obstacle, I usually recommend that people do free associative writing to get the words to start flowing before you begin any of the writing suggestions above.

Just like in free association in the psychoanalytic sense, when you do free associative writing, you're just writing whatever comes to mind and you keep going.  You're not stopping to fix punctuation or grammar.  You're just letting it all pour out.

The intent is to help you to relax and get into the flow of writing.

If you have some time before you get started with your day, the best time to do free associative writing is in the morning before you're completely awake and before your defenses and fears take hold.

If nothing comes to mind at first, choose a word, any word, and write whatever comes to mind.  It can be any word at all, even if it seems trivial at first.  For instance, if you've just woken up and you're staring at your box of corn flakes and you can't think of a word, write down "corn flakes" and keep going from there and don't stop for at least 5-10 minutes.

Don't go back to critique it.  That's not the  point.  What you wrote might appear be a word salad.  That's okay.  Let it be whatever it is.

If you happen to come upon an idea that you want to include in your writing about your mother then, by all means, go back and use that piece.

In Julia Cameron's book, The Artist's Way, she has suggestions about a form of free associative writing that she calls the morning pages.  You can follow this method or any other free associative method that feels right for you.

You might also want to look at a book by Marion Milner (pseudonym: Joanna Field) called A Life of One's Own where she writes about her own personal growth process and how she used a diary for self exploration.

Conclusion
There are many different approaches that you can take, possibly even ones that I haven't included in this article, to express your grief in writing or memorialize your mother.

Writing about grief is usually an integrative process so that it helps you to bring together the many different feelings you have about your mother and your relationship with your mother.

When you're ready to write about your mother, it can be a healing experience that gets you through the mourning process and beyond.

Getting Help in Therapy
As I've mentioned in previous articles, losing your mother is one of the most difficult, if not the most difficult, loss that you will experience.

If you've having problems grieving for your mother or you're stuck in the mourning process, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional to help you through this process (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Grief and mourning are unique for each person.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through this loss so that you can work through the loss and heal (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through their grief.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see:

Inconsolable Grief About a Mother's Death

Grief in Waiting After a Parent's Death

Allowing Room For Grief

Grief: You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents Even After They Die

The Theme of Complicated Grief For a Mother in the Movie, Phantom Thread

The Theme of Complicated Grief in the Film, Phantom Thread

Phantom Thread is the latest film by Paul Thomas Anderson featuring Daniel Day-Lewis as Reynolds Woodcock, a middle-aged high society dress designer in 1950s London.  At first, as you view the film, you might think that this is only a story about a narcissistic, obsessive genius who is rigid and fussy and must have everything in his own ritualized way in order to create.  But this film is so much more than that.  At the heart of the film and at the core of Reynolds' emotional problems is his inability to mourn the loss of his mother, who inspired him to be a dress designer (see my articles:  Complicated Grief and Unresolved Mourning, Inconsolable Grief For a Mother's Death, and Grief in Waiting After the Death of a Parent).

The Theme of Complicated Grief in the Film, Phantom Thread

Early on in the film, we see Reynolds, who works obsessively designing dresses, at the breakfast table with his sister Cyril (Lesley Manville) and his current girlfriend, Joanna (Camilla Rutherford).

When his girlfriend tries to get his attention, he becomes annoyed that Joanna is interrupting his work.  He has rigid daily rituals that include no interruptions, no noise at breakfast and no other distracting diversions--otherwise, the rest of his day is ruined beyond repair and he cannot work.

Clearly, whereas Joanna might have been a muse to him in the past, Reynolds has now grown tired of her  and sees her as a distraction to his work and someone who has outlived her welcome in his home.

In a restaurant scene with Cyril, Reynolds talks about their deceased mother as looking down from the afterlife and "watching over" him.  There is something tender and boyish about Reynolds' tone and manner, which are like a small boy's wish to be held safely and protected by his mother.

In the same scene, Reynolds tells Cyril that he hopes his mother saw and liked the new dress that he designed for one of his high society clients.  He says that, far from being spooky to him, he finds the idea that the dead watch over the living as "comforting" and it comforts him to feel that his mother watches over him.  

With a sad, wistful look, Reynolds asks Cyril if she thinks their mother likes the recent dress that he designed, and Cyril responds with empathy and indulgence that she thinks their mother does like it.  She listens to him patiently and lovingly, but she also seems concerned about him, especially as he talks about their mother watching over him.

Cyril understands her brother because, in effect, she has taken over the maternal role of "watching over" his business and personal affairs.  She suggests that Reynolds go to their country place to rest.  And since she thinks it's unkind to allow Joanna to wait endlessly for Reynolds, she suggests that she will stay in London and dispatch Joanna with one of Reynolds' dresses as a form of consolation.  In response, Reynolds agrees to rest in the country and allow Cyril to handle the messiness of his breakup.

Soon after, when Reynolds meets a young waitress, Alma (Vicky Krieps), he is ravenous.  You get the sense as you watch him order and devour a huge meal that his hunger goes beyond food.  He is also ravenous on an emotional level that he probably doesn't understand.

In Alma, he has found his new muse.  On their first date, he tells her how his mother taught him to design dresses when he was young, and since that time, he has taken on his mother's dress designing profession.

He also tells Alma that he always carries a lock of his mother's hair which is sewn in the canvass of his jacket so he can keep it close to his heart.  In other words, he has internalized his mother on many levels, and yet it's not enough to satisfy his longing and need for maternal love.

Back at his country home, he shows Alma a framed picture of his mother in the wedding dress that he designed for her by himself at age 16 for his mother's second marriage.

He also explains that there are many superstitions that some women believe about wedding dresses, including that unmarried women who touch someone else's wedding dress will be "cursed" and never marry.  He explains that this was the reason why their governess refused to help him complete his mother's wedding dress.  But, in his hour of need, his sister, Cyril, helped him to complete the dress.

In response, Alma asks him if Cyril ever got married, and he says that she did not, the question as to whether Cyril was a victim of the "curse" lingering in the air.  In fact, the ambiguous theme of being "cursed" comes up several times in the film.

Reynolds also tells Alma that he sews secret messages in the hem of each dress, and we see this later on when Alma finds a small tag in a princess's wedding dress with a message sewn on it that says "Never cursed."  These secret messages, along with the idea of his mother protectively hovering above him in the afterlife, take on a "phantom" quality.

The core theme of Reynolds' complicated grief continues to come up throughout the film, and it becomes apparent that this "confirmed bachelor," as he describes himself, cannot sustain a relationship with a woman, in part, because he has never let go of his mother as the primary woman in his life.  

At one point, when he is delirious with a fever, he has a hallucination of his mother standing in his bedroom watching over him in the wedding dress that he designed for her.  To Reynolds, the appearance of his mother is real.  He looks at her longingly with tears in his eyes and tells her how much he misses her and he wishes he could hear her speak.

By then, his relationship with Alma has gotten complicated, as his prior relationships have in the past.  Alma is living with Reynolds and Cyril in their beautiful London apartment where he spends most of his time designing his dresses.  We begin to see how he is starting to find Alma's ways grating and he is beginning to distance himself from her.

On a superficial level, this emotional distancing is about Reynolds focusing on his work.  But, on a deeper level, I sensed that the emotional distancing was also a pattern in his relationships in order to keep his mother as the primary woman in his life.  No woman will replace her so, sooner or later, each woman must go.

But Alma, who initially appears to be a simple, young woman who is infatuated with Reynolds and who is willing to orbit around his glamorous world of high fashion, is different from his prior girlfriends.  She won't allow herself to be easily disregarded and dismissed, and she finds a unique and insightful way to make herself emotionally indispensable to him, which eventually satisfies both of their emotional needs.

I won't give away the rest of the plot, but I highly recommend that you see the film and try to keep an open mind while you're viewing it.

As I mentioned before, this film is not what it initially appears to be.  It has a nuanced plot, wonderful acting by the three main actors, beautiful scenery and music, and there is a lot more to it than Reynolds' complicated grief.

You might even want to see it twice because after you see it the first time, you will probably sense that there is much more to it than can be grasped in one viewing, and you will need a second viewing to appreciate the beauty and complexity of the film.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

One of my specialties is helping clients to work through complicated grief and mourning.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Caregiving For a Depressed Mother as a Child and a Depressed Spouse as an Adult

People often unconsciously choose a spouse who has similar characteristics to one or both parents (see my article:  Overcoming the Guilt You Feel For Not Being Able to Heal Your Parent's Emotional Wounds and How to Stop Being the "Rescuer" in Your Family of Origin).

Caregiving For a Depressed Mother as a Child and a Depressed Spouse as an Adult

A child, who was the emotional caregiver for a depressed parent, will often unconsciously choose a spouse who is depressed and recreate a similar caregiving dynamic with the spouse.

The following fictionalized vignette illustrates how these patterns are repeated and how therapy can help:

Emma
Emma grew up in a loving, nurturing home.  She was the youngest of three children in a close-knit extended family.  Both parents were actively involved in the children's lives, although the father was often away on business.

Emma's mother was well liked by her neighbors for her kindness and generosity.  She was very proud of Emma and Emma's sisters, and she instilled confidence in them.  She encouraged their curiosity and creativity, and she taught them that they could be whatever they wanted to be.

As the youngest, Emma was closest to her mother.  By the time Emma was about to start school, her sisters were already involved in high school activities and out of the house most of the time.  As a result, Emma spent a lot of time alone with her mother.

Emma's Mother: Caregiving For a Depressed Mother as a Child and a Depressed Spouse as an Adult

For a young child, Emma was especially perceptive, and she realized that her mother was depressed--even though her mother was loving and active in Emma's life and she tried her best to hide her depression from Emma and the rest of the family.

Emma worried about her mother, and she spent most of her time at home trying to enliven her mother and make her laugh. There were days when Emma's jokes and funny stories seemed to lift her mother's mood.  But there were other days when it seemed that nothing Emma could do would lift her mother's spirits and Emma felt very sad on those days.

As Emma got older and she developed friendships and outside interests, she continued to feel that her primary responsibility was to lift her mother's spirits. Realizing that Emma felt overly responsible for her, her mother would encourage Emma to pursue her friendships and interests.  She didn't want Emma to sacrifice her happiness.

By the time Emma graduated from high school, she felt deeply ambivalent about going away to college, even though her parents and older sisters encouraged her.  She worried that her mother would sink into an even deeper depression if she wasn't around to try to enliven her.

She had a hard time adjusting to being away from home during her first year at college, and she took every opportunity to go home on weekends to spend time with her mother.  She would also often bring home friends that she thought would be entertaining for her mother.

In her junior year, she met Tom.  She liked that Tom was a serious philosophy major, who was intelligent, knowledgeable and curious.  Soon they were spending a lot of time together.

Emma's friends at college teased her about Tom because they thought he was dour.  But Emma brushed off their criticism and told them that they didn't know him, they were judging him only from his outer appearance, and they couldn't appreciate all of the qualities that she saw in him.

Soon after they graduated college, Emma and Tom got married and began working. Emma found her dream job working as a journalist.  But Tom was unable to find the type of job he hoped for after he graduated college.  Part of the problem was that he had definite ideas of what he wanted and refused to compromise.  As a result, he did temp work.

Emma and Tom: Caregiving For a Depressed Mother as a Child and a Depressed Spouse as an Adult

Emma was very aware that Tom felt depressed and discouraged about his work situation, so she refrained from gushing about her work.  Instead, she tried to be emotionally supportive of Tom, but he didn't respond well to her trying to lift his spirits.  He would become annoyed with her and mostly wanted to spend time alone.

This left Emma feeling lonely and helpless, and when she tried to talk to Tom about it, he refused to address the problems between them.  He expressed his resentment that she was so happy with her work, and he felt miserable.

Soon, Emma was spending most of her free time with her friends because Tom refused to go out.  She was deeply concerned about Tom and their marriage, but there was nothing that she could do.

As time went on, Emma was promoted into a more responsible position with a big salary increase. She was also given more interesting assignments.  But Tom continued to stagnate.  Emma encouraged him to get help in therapy, but he refused to go.

Two years later, their marriage was over.  Tom moved out to live with his parents across the country, and Emma was in despair.

Shortly after that, Emma began therapy to try to understand what happened and to pick up the pieces of her life.  Her psychotherapist helped Emma to see how she had been in a similar dynamic with Tom as she had been with her mother.

Although Emma's mother and Tom experienced their depression in different ways and had their own unique responses to Emma's attempts at caregiving, they elicited similar responses in Emma.

While she was in therapy, Emma also saw her blind spots about Tom.  Looking back with the perspective of time, she realized that there were signs before she got married that Tom was depressed and rigid in his thinking, but she didn't want to see these traits.  She also saw her role in the demise of their marriage and how she infantilized Tom.

Emma grieved in therapy for the loss of her marriage as she went through the divorce process.  She also learned in therapy that she had a propensity to be a caregiver in a relationship due to her early relationship with her mother, and she would need to be much more aware of this in the future so she would not repeat the same patterns.

Conclusion
Emotional dynamics between parents and children are developed at an early age.

As in the fictionalized vignette above, these dynamics are often unconscious for both parent and child.

When a child grows up feeling emotionally responsible for a parent, this often sets up the possibility for similar dynamics in adult relationships on an unconscious level, which often leads to problems in the relationship for both individuals.

Getting Help in Therapy
Both people in the relationship need to be willing to change these unhealthy dynamics to make healthy changes.

It can be very challenging to overcome these dynamics on your own, even if one or both people are aware of them and willing to change, which is why working with a skilled psychotherapist can be helpful.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome unhealthy emotional patterns in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Becoming the Mother You Wish You Had

Donald Winnicott, a well-respected British psychoanalyst and pediatrician, introduced the idea of the "good enough mother" (see my article: Books: Tea With Winnicott at 87 Chester Square).

Becoming the Mother You Wish You Had

Thousands of British mothers listened to his BBC broadcasts from 1943-1962 during which he spoke about motherhood and infant development in ordinary terms without using psychoanalytic jargon.

He dispelled the idea that mothers had to be perfect--they only needed to be good enough, which was a relief to most mothers (see my article: Perfect vs. Good Enough).

Winnicott's message is as true and valuable today as it was back then because many new mothers fear that they're going to be inadequate, especially women who had mothers who were abusive or neglectful.  This is also true for women who didn't grow up with a mother.

Their fears are that they will make the same mistakes that their mothers made with emotionally damaging effects to their new babies (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes).

The following fictional vignette illustrates these points:

Agnes
When Agnes found out that she was pregnant, after trying to conceive for a few years, she and her husband were elated.

Becoming the Mother You Wish You Had

Although Agnes was thrilled beyond words, she also developed an overwhelming fear that she would become like her mother--cold, emotionally withholding and critical.

Even though her husband attempted to alleviate Agnes' concerns, telling her that she was nothing like her mother, her fears became more intense over time.

She was flooded with memories of frequently being left alone and lonely (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

Whenever, as a child, Agnes attempted to get her mother's attention, her mother treated her like she was a nuisance.

Her father was frequently away on business trips, and when he was home, he secluded himself in his study, so Agnes spent most of her time alone.

As an only child, Agnes was left on her own to play and keep herself entertained.  She would often pretend that she had a kind guardian angel, who loved her, watched over her and kept her safe.

After a while, as the pregnancy progressed, Agnes realized that she needed to get help because her fear of being like her mother began to overwhelm her, so she sought a recommendation from her doctor, who referred Agnes to therapy.

Initially, Agnes had many worries about being in therapy.  She worried that she "wouldn't do it right" or that she would be a disappointment to her therapist (see my article: Fear of Being a Disappointment to Your Therapist).

Her therapist explained the concept of transference in therapy and that many psychotherapy clients,  especially clients who had emotionally withholding and critical parents, had similar fears (see my article: Psychotherapy and the Effects of Parental Transference).

Over time, Agnes began to distinguish her childhood fears from her current relationship with her therapist, who was warm and nonjudgmental (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma: Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now."

Agnes never realized that the emotional neglect that she experienced as a child was traumatic (see my article:  What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

She always thought of childhood trauma as being related to physical abuse (see my article: Psychotherapy to Overcome Past Childhood Trauma).

However, as she and her therapist worked together, Agnes understood how damaging it was not feel loved when she was growing up and how much she longed for that as a child (see my article: What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Problems Later on as an Adult?)

Agnes was also able to work through much of the childhood trauma in therapy.  She mourned for what she wanted from her parents and didn't get.  As part of working through these issues, Agnes learned to nurture and appreciate the child part of herself (as known as inner child).

She also realized that she could be the mother that she wished she had had as a child.  She made distinctions between herself and her mother, and she felt deep down that she was very different from her mother.

As her husband had told her all along, Agnes realized that she was a warm, nurturing person and she wouldn't be cold, withholding or critical.  The difference between her husband telling her and Agnes working it through for herself in therapy was that Agnes actually felt it in therapy.

Over time, Agnes also realized that, even though she would make mistakes because no one is perfect, she didn't have to be a perfect mother--she just needed to be good enough.

Getting Help in Therapy
For many women, who were not fortunate enough to have nurturing, loving mothers, their fear that they will become their mothers is strong.

Although family members and friends can be emotionally supportive and try to convince these women that they're nothing like their mothers, often these are experienced as only words.

Working in therapy to overcome unresolved childhood trauma and work through these fears can make all the difference between being an anxious, self doubting mother and being more self assured.

If the vignette in this article resonates with you, whether you're a mother-to-be or a father-to-be with the same fears, you're not alone.

Getting help from a skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome these fears so that you and your family can have a more fulfilling lives.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Getting Help in Mother-Daughter Therapy

I've written previous articles about mother-daughter relationships, including: Mother-Daughter Relationships Over the Course of a Lifetime, Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships and Mother-Daughter Relationships: Letting Go of Resentment.

Getting Help in Mother-Daughter Therapy

There are times when mothers and adult daughters, who love each other and want to get along, find it too difficult to reconcile their relationship so they come to mother-daughter therapy in an effort to repair their relationship in sessions facilitated by an experienced psychotherapist.

If resentment has been building over time, it can be especially difficult for mothers and daughters to reconcile on their own.

Often, when they try to improve their relationship, they don't get anywhere because each person is entrenched in her own position.  This can lead to even more misunderstandings and hard feelings.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario, which is a composite of many different cases and which illustrates how therapy can be helpful:

Betty and Jane
When Jane was a young child, she and her mother, Betty, were close, especially since Jane was an only child and her father was often away on business.

Their problems started around the time when Jane turned 15.  As a teenager, Jane wanted more autonomy to go out with friends, but Betty preferred that Jane invite her friends over the house rather than going out.  This caused friction between them, and Jane began to rebel by staying out past her curfew.

By the time Jane was in college, she rarely came home to visit her parents.  Jane's father, Bob, accepted that Jane was older now and she wanted her freedom, but Betty felt hurt and angry that Jane only called once every few weeks and only came home on holidays.  This increased the friction between them.

Jane moved back home briefly after she graduated college, but she felt that her mother was trying to control her even though she was now 21 and had already experienced the freedom of being away.  Betty's attitude was, "You're in my house so you need to obey my rules."

There were frequent arguments between Jane and Betty, and as soon as Jane earned enough money to share an apartment with friends, she moved out.

Their relationship continued to be strained throughout Jane's 20s.  Bob tried to be a mediator between them, but nothing he did worked.

After Betty had a health scare, which turned out to be a false alarm, both Betty and Jane regretted the rift between them.  They both wanted to improve their relationship, but they didn't know how to do it.

At that point, Betty's close friend, Pat, told Betty that she and her daughter attended mother-daughter therapy after a rough patch in their relationship and it helped them to reconcile longstanding issues. So, Betty spoke with Jane, who was willing to give it a try, and Betty set up a consultation.

During their therapy sessions together, Betty and Jane learned to listen and empathize with each other.  Betty realized that she was too strict when Jane was growing up and that she could have allowed her more independence as a teenager.  Jane realized that she had been impatient with her mother and, now that she was older, she could appreciate why her mother was so concerned about what could happen if Jane was out with friends.

The therapist gave Jane and Betty exercises to do between sessions where they each took turns expressing their feelings without interruption and then the "listener" had to repeat what she heard.  This involved developing active listening skills where the "listener" focused on what the "speaker" was saying without getting caught up with what she wanted to say to respond.

The "speaker" focused on using "I messages" where she took responsibility for her own feelings and didn't blame the "listener."

Aside from coming to sessions regularly and doing the between session assignments, one of the most important factors was that Jane and Betty were really motivated and, underneath the tension and conflict, they really loved each other and wanted to have a good relationship.

Getting Help in Mother-Daughter Therapy

By the time they completed therapy, they were getting along much better.  Even though they still had occasional arguments, which is common between any two people who are close, they were able to reconcile these arguments quickly without the resentment that they had before.

Conclusion
It's not unusual for mothers and daughters to have problems in their relationship.

Even when mothers and daughters want to reconcile their relationship, it's often hard to do on their own without help.

A licensed psychotherapist, who has experience helping mothers and daughters to overcome their problems, can facilitate this process.

Getting Help in Therapy
If some of the issues in this article resonate with you, you and your mother (or daughter) could benefit from getting help in mother-daughter therapy.

Rather than allowing resentment and bitterness to continue to grow, you can address your problems with a licensed mental health professional who can assist you to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped mothers and daughters to work through their problems so that they could develop a healthy relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Trauma of Everyday Life: The Buddha's Early Loss of His Mother

I just finished reading Dr. Mark Epstein's book, The Trauma of Everyday Life.

Mark Epstein is a psychoanalytically trained psychiatrist in private practice in NYC.  He is also a practicing Buddhist.

Statue of Buddha Under the Bodhi Tree

The theme of The Trauma of Everyday Life is that, "dukkha" or suffering, isn't just something that happens to an unlucky few.  It's a basic part of life.  It affects all of us at some point in our lives, whether it's the death of a loved one, experiencing a shocking event, our own serious health issues or the natural decline of old age and anticipation of death.  No one is exempt from experiencing trauma.

One of the themes of the book is Buddha's early loss of his mother.

Before we discuss this early loss further, it's important to understand how memory works and the difference between implicit and explicit memory.

Implicit vs Explicit Memory and Trauma
Many people mistakenly assume that children have no memories of their experiences before the age of two.  If this were true, then babies wouldn't have any memories of traumatic losses that occurred to them.  They would also have no good memories of being held, cared for and loved.  However, we now know that infants are capable of storing memories from birth, including happy as well as traumatic memories.

To understand how this is possible, we need to know the difference between implicit memory and explicit memory.

Implicit memory is what we use when we walk, dance, throw a ball or engage in similar activities.  So, for instance, when we walk, we don't have to be conscious of taking a step one foot and then the left foot or how to balance ourselves.  We just do it.  Implicit memory is unconscious.

Implicit memory is what we all have before we have verbally based memories, which are explicit memories.  Until about 18 months, implicit memory is the only memory that we have.

"Relational knowing," which includes expressing affection and the ability to form friendships and relationships, is based on implicit memory.

On the other hand, explicit memory is what we normally think of when we talk about memory.  Explicit memory allows for conscious recollection.

Explicit memory is also called "narrative" or "declarative" memory.  It involves conscious thoughts and language that enables us to symbolize and make sense of what's happening to ourselves and the world around us.

We now know that traumatic experiences, including early loss for infants, are held in implicit memory.  These memories exist in the body at an unconscious level.

Early traumatic memories, although not explicitly remembered, are dissociated and remain unprocessed until they are either emotionally triggered or worked on in therapy.

The Buddha's Early Loss of His Mother
According to Mark Epstein, the Buddha lost his mother when he was only seven days old.

Statue of Queen Maya of Sakya, Buddha's Mother, at the Temple of Swayabhuncth

As a psychotherapist, who has a psychoanalytic background, I'm very aware of how this type of traumatic early loss can affect a person as a child and later on as an adult.

The early days of bonding between a mother and an infant are very important for the infant's development as well as the quality of interpersonal relationships that he and she can have later on (see my article:  How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships).

Based on stories of his life, after his mother's death, the Buddha was well cared for by his aunt and his father, and every effort was made during his early days to keep him from explicitly knowing about the traumas of everyday life, including sickness and death.

But, according to Mark Epstein, even though Buddha was surrounded by joy and wealth, as well as a caring family, as a young man, Buddha felt that "something was missing."

We don't know if Buddha's feelings of estrangement or alienation stemmed from his confrontation as a young man with the realities of sickness and death or if it stemmed from the early loss of his mother, which would have been an unconscious feeling for him.

But we do know that the Buddha was able to create for himself an inner emotional attunement to process his feelings.  He did this, according to Mark Epstein, through the practice of mindfulness.  Rather than trying to escape his suffering, he acknowledged it, accepted that trauma is a part of everyday life, and he taught himself to balance and contain his suffering through mindfulness.

Working Through Early Trauma in Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy
As a psychotherapist, who specializes in working with trauma, I've worked with many clients who lost their mothers at an early age.  Even though they had no explicit memories of their mothers, they all had an inexplicable sense of loss that was hard for them to define.

Many people who have lost their mothers at an early age feel ashamed of their traumatic feelings.  Since they have no explicit memories of their mothers or of the loss, their implicit feelings feel amorphous and illogical.  And for those who were told by people, who don't know about implicit memories, that they couldn't possibly feel this loss, their shame feels even worse.

For many therapy clients, who have tried to work through early trauma in regular talk therapy, their experience is often that they have an intellectual understanding of their experience, especially once they learn about implicit memory and how they're carrying around the trauma on an unconscious level.

But having an intellectual understanding isn't the same as healing.

Mind-Body oriented psychotherapy, like clinical hypnosis, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing can help clients to access the unconscious experiences so that they can be worked through on an emotional level, and not just on an intellectual level (see my article:  Mind-Body Psychotherapy: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious).

Getting Help
Unresolved trauma often takes a toll on the person with the trauma as well as his or her loved ones.  If you are suffering with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get help.

When choosing a therapist, make sure that he or she is a licensed mental health practitioner in the state where you live.  I've included links below for directories of therapists who use either EMDR, Somatic Experiencing or clinical hypnosis.

About Me:
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Directories:
American Society of Clinical Hypnosis directory
EMDR Directory
Somatic Experiencing directory

Here is a short recording from the website, Bookotron.com:   Mark Epstein talks about The Trauma of Everyday Life.

Early Attachment Bond and Insecure Attachment Styles

In my prior blog article,  How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Adult Relationships - Part 1, I introduced the attachment theory and the concept that early bonding attachment is very important in terms of its affect on adult relationships.   In this blog article, I will introduce the various attachment styles that mothers (or caregivers) can have, and describe the affect it has when children grow up on their relationships.

While there are no absolutes and there are certainly exceptions, according to attachment theory, the mother's attachment style, in terms of how she relates to her child, is one of the most important factors with regard to how the child will form relationships eventually when the child grows up.

Secure Attachment Style
As I mentioned in my prior article, when early bonding goes well, it bodes well for future adult relationships.  When the infant's mother is attuned to the baby's emotional needs, it is much more likely that when this infant grows up, s/he will be able to have healthy and meaningful adult relationships.  The optimal style of attachment in these cases is called a secure attachment.  As I mentioned before, the mother doesn't need to be "perfect."  She just needs to be good enough.

Early Attachment Bonds and Attachment Styles

When the Mother/Primary Caregiver Has Problems Forming a Bond With the Infant
Unfortunately, not all mothers can provide the optimal style of attachment to their infants.  In addition to the secure attachment style, there are four other categories, which are generally categorized as insecure attachment styles, in addition to the secure attachment style:

Insecure Attachment Styles

• Avoidant Attachment Style
• Ambivalent Attachment Style
• Disorganized Attachment Style
• Reactive Attachment Style

These attachment styles will be described here as if they are discrete styles to simplify these discussions.  However, keep in mind that it's really not that simple and that there can be variations or combinations of styles.

Let's take a look at the four insecure attachment styles.

Avoidant Attachment Style
Generally speaking, as the name implies the mother who has an avoidant attachment style tends to be unavailable or rejecting of the infant, which will often result in the child growing up to be an adult who avoids closeness.  Often, this person grows up to be an adult who is emotionally distant, critical, rigid and intolerant.

Ambivalent Attachment Style
The mother who has an ambivalent attachment style tends to be inconsistent with the infant.  Sometimes, this mother can be intrusive.  The adult who was raised by a mother with an ambivalent attachment style is often anxious and insecure.  He or she might be controlling, critical and erratic.

Disorganized Attachment Style
The mother who has a disorganized attachment style tends to ignore the child's needs.  Often, the mother doesn't understand or even see what the child's needs are.  The mother's behavior can be frightening and traumatizing at times.  The adult who was raised with a mother who had a disorganized attachment style often grows up be chaotic and insensitive.  S/he can be explosive, abusive and mistrustful of others.

Reactive Attachment Style
The mother who has a reactive attachment style is very detached or unable to function with the child. The adult who grew up with a mother who had a reactive attachment style often has a great deal of difficulty forming positive relationships.

In a future blog post, I'll describe the causes of insecure attachment.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How the Early Attachment Bond Can Affect Your Adult Relationships: Part 1

Most infants are born with the ability to bond with their primary caregivers, usually their mothers. Your early experience of bonding with your mother shapes how you will relate in your future relationships as an adult.  I discussed the importance of early bonding in a prior blog article: Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Bonding.

The Mother-Infant Bond

The infant's relationship with his or her mother is the first emotional relationship.  

Under optimal circumstances, if the mother provides the infant with a loving, secure emotional environment, the infant becomes "securely attached" to the mother, and this becomes the basis for future relationships as an adult.  (From here on, it's understood that when I say "mother," I'm referring to the child's primary caregiver.)

How Early Attachment Bonds Can Affect Adult Relationships

The British psychiatrist John Bowlby and the American psychologist Mary Ainsworfth developed the attachment bond theory.  The attachment bond theory indicates that the relationship between an infants and mothers is responsible for:

• influencing all future relationships
• developing the ability to be aware of our own feelings as well as empathizing with other people's feelings
• developing the ability to be resilient in the face of adversity

An early secure attachment bond allows an adult to:

• manage stress
• develop meaningful relationships with other people
• feel safe
• develop a sense of optimism
• develop the ability to be flexible
• feel secure

Mothers don't need to be "perfect" for infants to form secure emotional attachments.  They just need to be good enough.

In future blog articles, I'll go into more details about how the early attachment bond affects adult relationships, and how different parental styles with infants can result in different adult characteristics.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or send me email.

See my articles:  

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Relationships - Part 2: Insecure Attachment

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Relationships - Part 3: What Causes Insecure Attachment?

How the Early Attachment Bond Affects Relationships - Part 4: Understanding the Impact

Mother-Daughter Relationships: Letting Go of Resentments

As I've written in prior blog posts, the mother-daughter relationship is a complex dynamic.   As a psychotherapist in New York City, I hear from many daughters and mothers about longstanding resentments that never get resolved.  Over the course of a lifetime, resentments can build up, especially if they're not resolved when they occur.  It's not unusual for mothers and daughters to continue arguing the same old arguments over and over again, adding more confusion and anger as time goes on.

Mother-Daughter Relationships:  Letting Go of Resentments

Often, mothers and daughters have unrealistic expectations of each other:

Daughters' Idealization of Mothers' Role:
As a society, we tend to idealize the mother's role:  she should always be nurturing, understanding, a good listener and a shoulder to cry on.  When your mother falls short of this idealization, you might feel cheated and deprived and resentment builds up.

Mother-Daughter Relationships:  Letting Go of Resentments

But no one can live up to this standard all the time, especially since mothers in most households now must work as well as being mothers and wives.  As a daughter, assuming that you had a reasonably healthy childhood, you need to let go of this idealization and realize that your mother is human with flaws, like anyone else.

Mothers' Unrealistic Expectations of Daughters:
There are many mother-daughter relationships that are close and happy when the daughter is younger and then become conflictual as the daughter gets older and needs more independence.  It's not easy watching a daughter move away from you during her teenage years, when friends often become more important than mothers.  Sometimes, it seems like it happens over night.

But it's a normal part of your daughter's development as an individual to mature and seek out other relationships.  As a mother, it's best not to get into power struggles with your daughter about this.  You can't be your daughter's best friend.  She needs you to be her mother.  And if you can negotiate this challenging period with your daughter, you're more likely to have a better relationship with your daughter over time.

Mothers and Daughters Arguing the Same Arguments Over and Over Again:
Rather than getting into power struggles, sometimes it's best to just agree to disagree and let go of old arguments and resentments.  Rehashing the same old arguments does nothing but deepen resentment.  Over time, mothers and daughters can become emotionally distant from each other.  The longer this goes on, the harder it is to repair.  It's often better to choose your battles and recognize when you might be arguing to win a power struggle.  No one wins under these circumstances.  Often, both people lose.

Letting Go of Resentments and Forgiving:
I've said this many times to clients, "Forgiving is for the person doing the forgiving."  It doesn't mean that whatever the other person did was okay.  It's not necessarily about reconciliation with the other person.

There are times when relationships can't be reconciled for a variety of reasons.  For instance, there are times when maintaining a relationship is either so emotionally or physically abusive that it would be too damaging to remain in contact.  Self preservation is crucial.

Whether you choose to reconcile directly with your mother or daughter or not, it's important to work through resentments so that they don't remain emotionally toxic within you.  Many clients ask me, "But how do I do this?"  It's a process that can be worked through in therapy with a skilled clinician.

It's Possible to Change an Unhealthy Mother-Daughter Relationship:
Some mothers and daughters are stuck in a rut in their relationships together.  It might be that both of them see the unhealthy dynamic and want to change it, but they don't know how.

For some mothers and daughters, attempts at talking about it only lead to more conflict and arguments.  Sometimes, the best way to change a dynamic is to change yourself rather than waiting for the other person to change.  For instance, if you want your mother or daughter to be a better listener, be a better listener yourself when you talk to her.

Be in the Present  Moment:
When resentments have built up over time, it's often hard to be in the present moment with the other person.  This is especially true when mothers and daughters have longstanding resentments.

When you're constantly focused on old resentments, you might miss out on moments of closeness when there's no conflict.  It's possible that there can be moments when you enjoy each other's company.

Mother-Daughter Relationships:  Letting Go of Resentments

Part of letting go of old resentments is being open to the possibility that the dynamic in your mother-daughter relationship might change.  For this to happen, both people must be willing and able.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  I have helped many mothers and daughters to let go of resentments in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

In my prior two blog posts, I provided some background information about life stages in mother-daughter relationships and I also discussed how early infant bonding and attachment affect mother-daughter relationships: Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships and Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Bonding. 

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

In this blog post, I will discuss how mother-daughter relationships can be healed using a composite vignette, which does not represent any one particular case with no identifying information.

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette is based on a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Ellen:
Ellen was a married woman in her early 50s when she first came to see me. She came because she and her adult daughter, Sandy, had difficulties in their mother-daughter relationship since Sandy was an infant. Ellen felt very sad and frustrated that she and Sandy never had a good relationship, and she felt that they were both stuck in a dysfunctional pattern or relating that neither of them knew how to change. Sandy was her only child, and Ellen wanted very much to heal their relationship.

Ellen had given birth to Sandy when Ellen was 18. She hid the pregnancy from her family through most of her pregnancy because she was ashamed and afraid to tell her parents. By her eighth month, she could no longer hide the pregnancy, despite wearing baggy clothes, and she had to tell her parents that she was pregnant. 

Both of her parents were very upset, and they wanted to confront the boy's parents, but Ellen refused to tell them who the father was. She told me that the father was a young man in his early 20s who was visiting NYC, on leave from the Army, and he left for his home town and never knew about her pregnancy.

Ellen's parents decided that they would raise the baby and, Ellen, who dropped out of school in her eighth month, could focus on getting her GED and going to college. She described this time in her life as being very tumultuous. She was aware that her parents were very disappointed in her and they felt that she had "ruined" her life with this pregnancy.

Since all of her parents' relatives lived on the West Coast, Ellen's parents told them that the baby was Ellen's mother's and that she had kept the pregnancy secret because she wasn't sure she would be able to carry the baby to term due to her age. This was the first secret related to Sandy's birth.

When Sandy was born, Ellen's mother took over. Her mother would hardly allow Ellen to hold the baby and she didn't allow her to breast feed the baby. Ellen said that when Sandy was born, she looked upon her more as a doll than as a live baby. Ellen said she felt a deep shame about having a baby out of wedlock, and it was easier for her to go along with her parents' lies than to deal with the truth.

Before she went away to college, Ellen said she remembered many nights when Sandy cried for hours by herself by herself in her crib. Ellen's mother didn't believe in picking up Sandy when Sandy was in distress because she thought that this would spoil her. Her mother also wouldn't allow Ellen to go to her. So, most nights, Sandy cried until she was exhausted without anyone to comfort her. Ellen said this was excruciating for her, and she was glad to go away to college so she didn't have to hear Sandy cry any more.

While she was in college, Ellen visited home occasionally on weekends. She remembers thinking that Sandy was a sullen, irritable, anxious child. Sandy's basic needs (in terms of being feed, bathed and clothed) were taken of, according to Ellen, but Ellen's parents didn't spend much time talking to Sandy or playing with her. 

 She was left in the crib most of the day by herself. Ellen said that her parents were never overly affectionate people, but their behavior was in stark contrast to how they behaved with her when she was younger. She felt that they were not emotionally prepared to take care of Sandy, and they resented it.

According to Ellen, Sandy grew up thinking that Ellen was her older sister. By the time Sandy was old enough to walk and talk, Ellen said she had also convinced herself of this deception too because it was easier for her to live with. She described the difficulties that Sandy had in school. Although she was bright, Sandy had difficulty making friends with other children and she didn't relate well to her teachers.

After Sandy was evaluated and it was determined that she didn't need a medical intervention, the school recommended counseling. Ellen's parents were opposed to counseling, especially after they heard that the whole family had to be involved in the counseling sessions, so they refused at first. 

 But the school administration continued to pressure them and warned that they would contact the Bureau of Child Welfare if they didn't comply with their recommendations, and Sandy might be taken away from them. The principal felt that Sandy was having basic problems relating interpersonally, and if she didn't get help, this could be a lifelong problem for her. So, Ellen's parents relented very reluctantly.

During family counseling, Ellen's parents finally revealed their secret--that Ellen was really Sandy's mother. Ellen said that her mother broke down one day and told the family therapist the truth. 

 The family therapist helped the family to get through this very difficult time. She told Ellen and her parents that Sandy needed to be told. Ellen and her parents struggled with this for a few months but, with the family therapist's help, they prepared themselves to talk to Sandy in session to tell her, in a way that a child might understand, that Ellen was her real mother.

Ellen told me that she felt retraumatized when she and her parents had to reveal the truth to Sandy. Until then, she had gone into a sort of state of denial about being Sandy's mother, and she felt like she was being confronted with it all over again.

According to Ellen, after she was told, Sandy became very angry and she began acting out in school and at home. She stopped talking to Ellen and she vacillated between clinging to Ellen's mother and pushing her away. She behaved in much the same way with Ellen's father. 

During those sessions when Sandy was told the truth about Ellen being her real mother, she was also told that her father lived far away and no one had contact with him. 

Over and over again, the family tried to reassure her that she was much loved by them (even if Ellen's parents had difficulty showing it), but Sandy's school work suffered. Her therapy sessions were increased to three times a week so the family therapist was able to help her get through this crisis.

Soon after that, Ellen moved out of the household to get her own apartment with roommates, and she only went home occasionally to visit her family. She said she made efforts over the years to reconcile with Sandy, but Sandy was very resistant to this. Sandy completed high school and she went on to college. 

She made a few close friends, but she had a lot of problems in her relationships with young men. She tended to choose men who were emotionally unavailable and she was constantly trying to win their affection. According to Ellen, these relationships usually ended in the young men abandoning Sandy.

By now, Sandy was in her mid-30s. As a college graduate, she was underemployed as an office clerk, and she had a succession of roommates over the years. She had not been in a relationship for several years. 

Ellen called Sandy about once every couple of weeks to find out how she was doing, but she said, most of the time, she got Sandy's answering machine and Sandy rarely returned her calls. Whatever she knew about Sandy, she knew from a cousin who moved to NY and who befriended Sandy.

In the early stage of our work together, I helped Ellen to understand what might have gone wrong with Sandy in the early attachment phase when she was an infant. In order for babies to learn how to bond and develop a secure attachment to their primary caregiver (in this case, Ellen's mother), they need to have consist nurturing and care.

Based on Ellen's description of her mother's interactions with Sandy as an infant, it appeared that Sandy's basic needs were taken care of, but there wasn't a lot of nurturing or affection. As a result, Sandy grew up to feel insecure and had difficulties forming relationships. 

I assured Ellen that this didn't mean that Sandy was doomed to continue in this way, but she had to be willing to get psychological help. 

 I told her that the family therapy was probably helpful to her when Sandy was younger, but it seemed, based on Ellen's account, that Sandy probably had a lot of unspoken anger, hurt and resentment towards her. If they were going to heal their relationship, Ellen would have to learn to forgive herself and make amends with Sandy. Sandy would also have to be willing to reconcile.

Our early work together involved helping Ellen to develop emotional resources for herself. Her husband was her main source of external support. She also had supportive, close friends. 

During this period of our work, Ellen grieved for the loss that she felt for not being closer to Sandy when she was a baby. 

She felt that she really missed out on having these early years with her daughter. Ellen also learned to be compassionate with the teenage part of herself who was obviously not equipped on any level to take care of an infant and who had no choice but to go along with her parents' wishes with regard to Sandy.

When she felt ready, she tried to contact Sandy by phone to ask to see her and talk to her, but
Sandy remained unresponsive to her. So, Ellen wrote Sandy a letter in which she expressed her deep sorrow and regret for what happened between them. She asked Sandy to forgive her and told her that she hoped they could develop a better relationship.

Much to Ellen's surprise, Sandy agreed to come in for a therapy session to meet with Ellen and me. It was a very emotional session with lots of anger and tears on Sandy's part and much anguish and pain for Ellen. Sandy agreed to come back for another session a week later. 

Since Ellen had no expectations of how the session would go, she was able to come into her next session with me and talk about how she felt. Even though it was very painful to hear Sandy's anger and pain, Ellen felt that, at least, they were talking in an honest way and the lines of communication were finally open. But she also knew that she could not force Sandy to have a mother-daughter relationship if she was not open to it. At that point, Sandy seemed highly ambivalent.

Ellen and Sandy met with me for several months. It was very rocky at first, but I saw some hope in that they both wanted to continue the process. During our sessions, Sandy developed a psychological curiosity about her own emotional process, and she also began her own individual sessions with a psychotherapist.

Gradually, Ellen and Sandy began to make some progress. 

Just like most psychological changes, it was not a steady line of progress. It was more like two steps forward and one step backwards, but it was progress nonetheless. They began going for coffee after their sessions and, after a while, they were having dinner together. 

Although Sandy was guarded and very cautious at first about opening up, she also seemed, underneath it all, to have a real need for the compassionate, nurturing mother that she never had. By now, Ellen's parents were in their mid-70s and they never really bonded with Sandy.

With Sandy's consent, I also maintained contact with her individual therapist. Her therapist reported that Sandy had formed a rapport with her, and she was making slow, steady progress in treatment. She was beginning to let go of some of her fears about starting to go out with men again, and she eventually met a man that she really liked and who was very interested in her, and emotionally available.

When there is this type of emotional rupture in the mother-daughter relationship, the work tends to be slow. Healing doesn't happen over night, if it happens at all. Trust must be regained over time for both the mother and the daughter.

For mothers and daughters to make amends in these types of situations, there usually needs to be an overarching motivation to transcend their differences. A therapist never knows in advance how this will go in the treatment. 

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

Fortunately, for Ellen and Sandy, they were eventually able to develop a belated mother-daughter relationship that they could both feel comfortable with over time. There was nothing magical about it--it involved a lot of sustained, hard work on both of their parts and a willingness to be emotionally vulnerable.

Sandy also tracked down her father who, at that point, was divorced with adult children. After the initial shock of hearing that he had a daughter that he never knew about, he wanted to meet her. Over time, Sandy began taking steps to develop a belated relationship with her biological father.

Conclusion
I hear from both mothers and daughters in this type and other types of relationships. Sometimes, they decide to come in after many years of estrangement. 

Often, mothers and daughters, who might have been reluctant to heal their relationship earlier on, will have a change of heart as the mother ages. Often, they see it as their last chance to reconcile before the mother becomes too frail or before she dies. Other times, as daughters become mothers themselves, they develop more compassion and empathy for what their own mothers might have gone through with them.

There are times when mothers or daughters cannot heal their relationship for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, one or the other of them is not willing or able. Other times, one of them is no longer alive and so the person remaining has to heal her own internal mother-daughter relationship on their own in therapy.

At times, whatever occurred in the mother-daughter relationship might have been so abusive that the relationship is just still too toxic to heal, especially if the mother is unable to own up to the abuse (if she was the abuser) or unable to accept that abuse occurred (if the abuser was someone else). 

Often, these are instances where there was physical and/or sexual abuse that remains unacknowledged and unresolved. At those times, you might need help to overcome the trauma of what occurred without involving the other person.

Getting Help in Therapy
As I've mentioned in prior blog posts, the mother-daughter relationship is the most intense family of origin relationship. This can make it the most rewarding as well as the most painful relationship.

If you and your mother or daughter are having problems healing your relationship on your own, you might consider getting professional help to assist you with this process, whether you decide to do this on your own or with your mother or daughter.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist and EMDR therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through mother-daughter issues as well as other family of origin problems so that they can lead meaningful and fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.