How to Cope With Pregnancy Loss When You and Your Partner Have Different Feelings About the Loss

Couples often discover that they might differ in their feelings about a pregnancy loss (see my articles:  Coping With Pregnancy Loss and Allowing Room For Grief).

You might understand how you and your partner feel different about many areas in your life, including different feelings about friends, family members, in-laws, religion, politics and other areas.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

But when you and your partner differ on your feelings about pregnancy loss, this can put a strain on the relationship, especially if each of you feels you're dealing with it in the "right way" and your partner is dealing with it in the "wrong way".

If you both have a hard time talking to each other about the way you feel, the loss can erode the relationship and, possibly, push you apart.

You might feel frustrated, angry and sad if:

• One of you wants to talk about the loss and other doesn't.

• Your partner experiences the loss in a different way from the way you do.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

• You feel alone because your partner doesn't understand how you feel or they might not want to talk about it.

• Your partner expresses feeling alone because you don't feel the same way they do.

• Your partner wants to "move on" to start making plans for the future including wanting to try again to get pregnant and you're not ready.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

• Your partner doesn't seem to think your feelings are as important as theirs.

• You might think your feelings are more important than your partner's feelings or vice versa.

• One or both of you feel you're either overreacting or under-reacting to the loss.

• Your partner doesn't feel  the pregnancy loss was really a loss at all, but you feel devastated by it (or vice versa).

• You feel your partner is getting all the attention from loved ones and you feel your feelings are being minimized or vice versa.

• You feel so upset about the loss that you're unable to be emotionally supportive of your partner.

• You feel the miscarriage was your fault and you have let down your partner.

• You feel so guilty and ashamed about the miscarriage that you feel too upset to talk about it.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information omitted to protect confidentiality:

Donna and Jack

Donna and Jack, who were both in their mid-30s, were married three years when Donna had a miscarriage during the ninth week of the pregnancy.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

They had been trying to get pregnant for two years and they were both elated when Donna found out she was pregnant. 

But several weeks later, Donna felt cramping which was similar to menstrual cramps. She also had lower back pain. Suddenly she noticed that she had vaginal bleeding and she realized she was having a miscarriage.

Jack rushed Donna to the hospital in their car and their worst fears were confirmed. The emergency room doctor was empathetic and tried to reassure them that miscarriages occur about 10-20% of the time. He also told them that she should see her OB-GYN.

Donna's OB-GYN reiterated what the ER doctor told them. He offered to refer them for counseling to deal with the loss, but neither of them was ready to speak with a counselor at that point.

They avoided telling their families for a few days because Donna was sure her family would blame her for the miscarriage and Jack thought his family would feel uncomfortable talking about the miscarriage.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

During that time, Donna tried to think about what she might have done that could have caused the miscarriage. Despite reassurances from her OB-GYN that she had done nothing to cause the miscarriage, Dona felt guilty and ashamed. She felt like she had let Jack down--despite Jack telling her that he didn't blame her and she shouldn't blame herself.

A few weeks later, they told their families about the miscarriage and both families reacted as they feared they might. Donna's mother told her that she must have done something to cause the miscarriage, which was hurtful to Donna, and Jack's family barely said a word about it. His mother came every few days to check in with them and to bring food, but neither of Jack's parents could bring themselves to talk about it.

A month later, Jack told Donna that he couldn't tolerate feeling sad about the miscarriage any more and he felt they should "move on" and try to get pregnant again. He knew Donna was still very sad, but he hoped that getting pregnant again would help Donna to feel better.

But Donna felt she couldn't even consider getting pregnant again so quickly. She feared she would have another miscarriage--even though her OB-GYN assured her that there was no reason why she shouldn't be able to have a baby.

Donna wanted to be able to talk to Jack about the loss, but Jack told her that he didn't think he could talk about it any more, "Donna, I don't know what else to say about the miscarriage. I feel sad too, but I need to feel we're moving ahead and creating a future together. Why wouldn't you want that too?"

Donna became angry and frustrated with Jack's response. She couldn't understand why he couldn't just be there for her without focusing on the future, "Besides, I can't even think about having sex at this point. I just don't feel sexual."

They decided to see a couples therapist who was also a sex therapist. Their therapist normalized that it's not unusual for two people to feel differently about a miscarriage or about any loss.  

She focused on getting them each to listen and validate each other's feelings.  She helped them to communicate with each other about how they were each feeling instead of focusing on the "right" or "wrong" way to feel.

When she encouraged them to create a ritual together to remember the loss, Donna suggested that they light candles for a week while they sat together in front of the candles to memorialize the loss. This worked out well for Jack because he felt he didn't have the words to talk about the loss outside the couples therapy session.

When they returned to their couples therapy session a week later, Donna said she was feeling somewhat calmer. She was still sad, but she didn't feel angry and frustrated with Jack. She said they sat together holding hands in front of the candles and she felt emotionally supported by Jack.

Jack said he felt less pressure to come up with what he wanted to say about the miscarriage. He also indicated that he felt a lot more empathy for Donna when they sat together in this way.

This was a turning point in their loss and, gradually, Donna was able to begin thinking about the possibility of trying to get pregnant again. She still wasn't in the mood to have sex, but Jack was patient.

Their couples therapist was also a sex therapist so they worked on reviving their physical intimacy together until they both felt ready to reconnect sexually. 

Initially, they focused on reconnecting emotionally and enjoying the sexual intimacy before they tried to get pregnant again.

How to Deal With Pregnancy Loss Together When You Each Have Different Feelings

• Accept You Both Have Different Feelings: It's normal for two people to feel and react differently to a loss. Also, two people can have different times when they grieve. Some people grieve immediately and others grieve in a few months (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

• Listen and Talk to Each Other: Even if you don't feel the same way your partner feels, allow your partner to tell you how they feel. If they can't talk about it, maybe they can write down their feelings. Be emotionally supportive of each other (see my article: Writing About Grief).

• Find Ways to Memorialize Your Loss: You and your partner can find ways to memorialize your loss together in whatever way is meaningful to you including lighting candles together or finding other meaningful rituals you can do together (see my article: The Power of Personal Rituals).

Get Help in Therapy

If you and your partner are unable to talk to each other about the loss, seek help in therapy. 

A skilled therapist, who has experience helping couples deal with pregnancy loss, can help you both to grieve in whatever way is meaningful to each of you.

Get Help in Therapy For Pregnancy Loss

Rather than struggling on your own and allowing the loss to erode your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can heal together.

Also see my other articles about grief:

Coping With Grief

Complicated Grief

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through their grief.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Becoming the Mother You Wish You Had

Donald Winnicott, a well-respected British psychoanalyst and pediatrician, introduced the idea of the "good enough mother" (see my article: Books: Tea With Winnicott at 87 Chester Square).

Becoming the Mother You Wish You Had

Thousands of British mothers listened to his BBC broadcasts from 1943-1962 during which he spoke about motherhood and infant development in ordinary terms without using psychoanalytic jargon.

He dispelled the idea that mothers had to be perfect--they only needed to be good enough, which was a relief to most mothers (see my article: Perfect vs. Good Enough).

Winnicott's message is as true and valuable today as it was back then because many new mothers fear that they're going to be inadequate, especially women who had mothers who were abusive or neglectful.  This is also true for women who didn't grow up with a mother.

Their fears are that they will make the same mistakes that their mothers made with emotionally damaging effects to their new babies (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes).

The following fictional vignette illustrates these points:

Agnes
When Agnes found out that she was pregnant, after trying to conceive for a few years, she and her husband were elated.

Becoming the Mother You Wish You Had

Although Agnes was thrilled beyond words, she also developed an overwhelming fear that she would become like her mother--cold, emotionally withholding and critical.

Even though her husband attempted to alleviate Agnes' concerns, telling her that she was nothing like her mother, her fears became more intense over time.

She was flooded with memories of frequently being left alone and lonely (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

Whenever, as a child, Agnes attempted to get her mother's attention, her mother treated her like she was a nuisance.

Her father was frequently away on business trips, and when he was home, he secluded himself in his study, so Agnes spent most of her time alone.

As an only child, Agnes was left on her own to play and keep herself entertained.  She would often pretend that she had a kind guardian angel, who loved her, watched over her and kept her safe.

After a while, as the pregnancy progressed, Agnes realized that she needed to get help because her fear of being like her mother began to overwhelm her, so she sought a recommendation from her doctor, who referred Agnes to therapy.

Initially, Agnes had many worries about being in therapy.  She worried that she "wouldn't do it right" or that she would be a disappointment to her therapist (see my article: Fear of Being a Disappointment to Your Therapist).

Her therapist explained the concept of transference in therapy and that many psychotherapy clients,  especially clients who had emotionally withholding and critical parents, had similar fears (see my article: Psychotherapy and the Effects of Parental Transference).

Over time, Agnes began to distinguish her childhood fears from her current relationship with her therapist, who was warm and nonjudgmental (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma: Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now."

Agnes never realized that the emotional neglect that she experienced as a child was traumatic (see my article:  What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

She always thought of childhood trauma as being related to physical abuse (see my article: Psychotherapy to Overcome Past Childhood Trauma).

However, as she and her therapist worked together, Agnes understood how damaging it was not feel loved when she was growing up and how much she longed for that as a child (see my article: What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Problems Later on as an Adult?)

Agnes was also able to work through much of the childhood trauma in therapy.  She mourned for what she wanted from her parents and didn't get.  As part of working through these issues, Agnes learned to nurture and appreciate the child part of herself (as known as inner child).

She also realized that she could be the mother that she wished she had had as a child.  She made distinctions between herself and her mother, and she felt deep down that she was very different from her mother.

As her husband had told her all along, Agnes realized that she was a warm, nurturing person and she wouldn't be cold, withholding or critical.  The difference between her husband telling her and Agnes working it through for herself in therapy was that Agnes actually felt it in therapy.

Over time, Agnes also realized that, even though she would make mistakes because no one is perfect, she didn't have to be a perfect mother--she just needed to be good enough.

Getting Help in Therapy
For many women, who were not fortunate enough to have nurturing, loving mothers, their fear that they will become their mothers is strong.

Although family members and friends can be emotionally supportive and try to convince these women that they're nothing like their mothers, often these are experienced as only words.

Working in therapy to overcome unresolved childhood trauma and work through these fears can make all the difference between being an anxious, self doubting mother and being more self assured.

If the vignette in this article resonates with you, whether you're a mother-to-be or a father-to-be with the same fears, you're not alone.

Getting help from a skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome these fears so that you and your family can have a more fulfilling lives.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.