Embracing Your Internal Contradictions and Paradoxes

In prior articles, I've discussed how people are complex with many different internal aspects, including contradictory and paradoxical aspects (see my articles: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are).  

Embracing Your Internal Contradictions and Paradoxes

Why Is It So Hard to Accept Contradictions and Paradoxes?

The idea of contradictory and paradoxical internal aspects is unsettling for many people.   I'm hoping this article, which is the first part of this subject, will help to normalize these concepts.

On the one hand, life might seem easier when everything remains the same.  Similarly, if things are going well from their perspective, people often prefer their loved ones to remain the same.  It makes it easier for them to know what to expect.  

On the other hand, whether we like it or not, people do change.  This includes making positive changes in psychotherapy that can be challenging for their loved ones (see my article: Your Family Might Not Be Supportive of the Positive Changes You're Making in Your Life as You Heal From Trauma).

We All Contain a Multiplicity of Selves

We all contain within us a multiplicity of selves. Some of those parts are in sync and others are contradictory.

Audre Lorde, who described herself as black, lesbian, mother, warrior and poet, once said, 

 "Only by learning to live in harmony with your contradictions can you keep it all afloat."

In “Song of Myself," Walt Whitman, essayist, poet and journalist, wrote, “Do I contradict myself?/Very well, then I contradict myself (I am large, I contain multitudes)."

Duality and Contradictions in Mythology

Mythology has many examples of duality and contradictions.

The ancient Greek myth of Demeter and Persephone is one example:  Demeter, who is the goddess of the harvest, provides bountiful crops so that the Greeks had plenty of food to eat.  She is also the goddess who oversees the cycle of life and fertility.  

But when her daughter, Persephone is abducted by the god of the Underworld, Hades, Demeter is so bereft that she becomes the goddess of hunger and starvation as she wanders the Earth searching for Persephone and, in doing so, neglecting the crops.

Eventually, Zeus, who the chief deity of the Greek pantheon and Demeter's father, intervenes. 

He knows people can't make sacrifices to the gods if they don't have food to eat. So, he reaches a compromise with Hades and Demeter so that Persephone spends most of the year on Earth with Demeter and part of the year with Hades.  According to this myth, this is why we have different seasons, including spring and winter.

Similarly, in Hindu mythology, the goddess Kali has the power to destroy and to create.  Even though she appears in many stories about destruction, Kali is also the goddess of creation.  

The myth about Kali recognizes there can be no creation without destruction.  It is a cycle.  Accordingly, she is a powerful goddess, who is believed to have existed before time and who will continue to exist after time ends.

What is the Difference Between a Paradox and a Contradiction?

In contemporary times, aside from the complexities of being human, life is filled with contradictions and paradoxes.  

This can be confusing at times, but understanding and accepting these concepts can also make life richer.

Although people often use these two words interchangeably, they have different meanings.

Most people know the meaning of a contradiction.  A contradiction involves conflicting elements within the same system.  

An example of a contradiction can be seen in a job search process where a person can't get a job without job experience, but they can't get experience without a job.

A paradox is more complex.  It's something that is seemingly contradictory but, upon deeper investigation, you discover the truth in it.  

I gave an example of a paradox in my article Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac where anxiety is usually thought of as inhibiting sexual desire, but for many people, it serves as an aphrodisiac which increases desire.

Other Examples of Paradoxes:

• People need both stability and change to grow.
• A couple often needs some distance in order to feel closer to each other.
• To earn money you need to spend money.
• Sometimes you have to take a step back to move forward.
• No decision becomes a decision.

Embracing Contradictions and Paradoxes

In my article, Do You Want to Change? Start By Accepting Yourself as You Are, I introduced a paradox.  

The article goes on to look closer at the concept of self acceptance and what it means in the context of wanting to change.  

Starting with acceptance allows you to acknowledge how you are at that point in time.  It doesn't mean you're complacent or that you've given up on changing.  

When you want to change, starting with acceptance is a part of the process.

If you don't start by accepting yourself as you are, including your contradictions and paradoxes, you're more likely to have a negative attitude about yourself which can sabotage any efforts you make to change.

Getting Help in Therapy

Self compassion and acceptance can be challenging for many people.

If you are struggling with accepting your contradictions, you're not alone.  

A skilled psychotherapist, who has the expertise to help clients to achieve self acceptance as part of a larger change process can help you to live a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to achieve self acceptance while they are on the path of transformation.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Committed Relationship

I'm continuing a discussion in this article that I started in my prior article about relationships based on Dr. Stephen A. Mitchell's book, Can Love Last?.

Integrating Love and Sexual Desire in a Relationship

Togetherness in a Relationship vs. the Need for Autonomy

While it's true that sexual passion often wanes somewhat over time in a long term relationship, people who experience a split in their feelings between love and desire are often in conflict about their need for emotional closeness vs. individual autonomy in the same relationship.  

Psychoanalyst and social philosopher Erich Fromm addressed this paradox in his book, The Art of Loving, which was published in 1956 as follows: Love longs for closeness and sexual desire thrives on distance.

Similarly, relationship and sex therapist, Esther Perel, Ph.D. wrote in her book, Mating in Captivity, published in 2017, "Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other." 

Esther Perel addresses this paradox in relationships as follows: Emotional intimacy builds trust and security in the relationship, but as intimacy grows, sexual desire often wanes for many couples.

According to Dr. Perel, who cites Stephen Mitchell's work as well as her vast experience with couples, the couple's need for togetherness coexists with their need for autonomy.  If there is too much distance, the couple sacrifices connection. But if there's too much togetherness, this gets in the way of each person having their own autonomy. 

There is also no way to achieve connection between individuals in a relationship if they are too close--to the point of fusion--because there is no one with whom to connect. Therefore, in order for there to be a connection, there needs to be some psychological distance within the closeness of the relationship. This allows each person to be autonomous at the same time they are close and connected in a relationship together.

Although love thrives on closeness, according to Dr. Perel, sexual desire thrives on mystery and novelty.  In addition, she posits that love is about "having" and desire is about "wanting" (see my article: To Rekindle Passion in Your Relationship, Fire Needs Air).

This means that each individual in the relationship needs to develop themselves as individuals rather than focusing on eliminating any distance to quell feelings of insecurity or fear of being alone (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

Clinical Vignette:

The following vignette, which is based on a composite of many cases with all identifying information eliminated, illustrates the dilemma of negotiating closeness and psychological distance in a relationship:

Nan and Bill

When Nan and Bill, who were in their mid-30s, started couples therapy with an EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples) therapist, they had been together for two years (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples also known as EFT?).

Their presenting problem was that they were talking about moving in together, but they were in conflict about how much time to spend together, which was getting in the way of Nan moving in with Bill.

Nan explained to their couples therapist that when they started seeing each other, they were both excited to spend several days during the week together.  Everything was new and exciting for the first few months, Nan explained.  But by the time they were together for eight months, Bill was complaining that he didn't get to spend any time with his buddies or engage in his hobbies.  He wanted to cut back on some of the time they spent together, which hurt Nan's feelings (see my article: Compromising on Time Together vs Time Apart in Your Relationship).

In addition, Bill revealed in couples therapy that these issues affected their sex life. Specifically, he felt he and Nan spent so much time together that he didn't feel as sexually aroused with her, which he felt badly about, but he wanted to bring this up in their session.  

Although it was hurtful for Nan to hear Bill say this, she acknowledged that she realized how all their time together was impacting their sex life.  She said she wanted to improve their sex life, but she was fearful of spending less time together because it made her feel insecure about the relationship.

Nan told their couples therapist that she liked spending as much time as possible with Bill, and she couldn't understand why he felt the need to spend time with his friends because she didn't feel the need to spend time with her friends.

Bill acknowledged that he felt excited about their relationship during the first several months when they were getting to know each other.  But, he explained, he was feeling stifled by Nan because he wanted to spend time with his buddies and also work on his hobbies.  He emphasized that he loved Nan and he hoped they could build a life together, but he needed time to himself, which Nan didn't seem to need.

Although she felt embarrassed to say this in their couples therapy session, Nan admitted that when Bill mentioned he wanted to spend time with his friends, her first thought was that this would be less time spent with her.  She said she didn't want to be selfish, but she wanted Bill to understand how she felt.

Over time, Nan revealed that she was in a similar situation as the middle child in her family where she felt her older and younger sisters got most of her parents' attention.  She realized that her experience in her family was impacting how she felt in her relationship, so Nan entered into her own individual therapy to work on these earlier issues (see my article: When a Traumatic Past Affects You in the Present).

As Nan learned how to separate the past from the present and she no longer felt triggered by Bill spending time with friends or engaging in his hobbies, she felt more comfortable with Bill having more autonomy.  She also recognized that she was neglecting her friendships, so she spent more time with friends.  

Both of them agreed that when they had other experiences and interests away from each other, they each brought something new to the relationship, which rekindled their sex life.  Soon after that, they moved in together and they remained committed to their relationship as well as to developing as individuals.

Conclusion

Balancing closeness and autonomy in a committed relationship can be challenging.  However, as illustrated in the vignette above, couples can learn to negotiate this balance.

Achieving the right balance of being together and being autonomous requires a recognition of the paradox outlined in this article. It also involves practice to see what works best for your relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

Balancing the need for emotional closeness with the need for autonomy for each individual can be especially challenging when the individuals in the relationship don't agree about the amount of closeness and autonomy needed.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with couples.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to negotiate the balance that's right for your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.