Split Loyalty: Traumatic Experiences For Children After Their Parents' Divorce

I've written prior articles about divorce focusing on how to talk to children about your divorce and also how to co-parent after the breakup (see my articles:  Talking to Your Child About Divorce and Co-Parenting After Divorce).  Aside from the issues I discussed in these articles, there's another common issue that comes up for young children as well as for adult children, which is the trauma of split loyalty.

The Trauma of Split Loyalty

When most people get married, they're not thinking about getting divorced.  In addition, most people want the best for their children.  They're not trying to intentionally hurt them.  But, although it's usually unintentional, many children get caught in the middle between their parents and this is a traumatic dilemma for them.

What is Split Loyalty?

Split loyalty is also called divided loyalty or loyalty conflict.  It means that children feel they have to choose between their two parents.  This often occurs when one or both parents don't know how to model a harmonious relationship with the other parent.  

This can easily occur in the heat of a divorce when people are angry and don't realize how they're behaving in front of their children.  Aside from divorce or a relationship breakup, it also occurs when spouses remain together but they have an ongoing conflictual relationship.

The situation is even worse when parents berate each other in front of the children or the children overhear parents saying negative things about the other parents.  This is more likely to happen when parents are emotionally overwhelmed or when they talk to their children as if the children are their confidants (see my article: Why Your Child Can't Be Your Friend).

Children already feel vulnerable enough when their parents are getting divorced because they know their family situation is going to change, but they have no control over the changes in their family.  If, on top of that, they feel that their parents aren't in control of their emotions, this is especially traumatizing (see my article: Staying Emotionally Grounded During Stressful Times).

One of the worst situations is when one or both parents engage in parental alienation.  This dynamic goes beyond just showing animosity without realizing it.

Parental alienation is a deliberate attempt to alienate the child from their other parent.  This usually occurs when a parent has lost sight of what is in the best interest of the child either due to the parents' own narcissistic traits or some other psychological reason.  

Here are some examples of parental alienation:

• "Your father doesn't love you."  
• "Your mother only cares about herself"
• "Your father is so incompetent that he never does anything right."
• "I should've never married your mother."
• "Don't be like your father."
• "It makes me angry that you look so much like your mother."
• "Your father is crazy."
• "Your mother didn't treat me well."

Split loyalty is damaging for children at any age, but it's especially damaging for young children.  Children's traumatic wounds often carry over into adulthood and impact them as adults with regard to trust and the ability to be in healthy relationship (see my article: How Past Psychological Trauma Lives on in the Present).

Tips For Avoiding Split Loyalty

• Avoid confiding in your children about your anger and upset towards your ex because, if you do, you'll be setting them up to choose between you and your ex, which is very confusing for them and a no-win situation.

• Be aware of who you confide in about your negative feelings about your ex because it could get back to your children through gossip or they might overhear you speaking.

• Recognize that, unless your ex is dangerous, your children will need to continue to have a parental relationship with their other parent and it's best to do so without feeling guilty about being "disloyal" to you.

• Be respectful towards your ex and model respectful behavior in front of your children. 

• Recognize that your ex deserves the respect of your children.

• Ask your children to tell you how they're feeling about the divorce and the breakup of the family.  If they know it's acceptable for them to talk to you about their feelings, they won't feel they have to bottle up their feelings or that it's unacceptable for them to talk to you about what's happening in the family.  

• Recognize that young children and adolescents often act out because they don't have the vocabulary to express their feelings so they act it out with their behavior.  

• Be aware that children often act out with the parent they have the closer relationship because they feel emotionally safer with that parent as compared to a parent who is unreliable and, hence, emotionally unsafe.  This is important to recognize so you don't feel confused about why your child is acting out with the responsible parent and not with the one who is irresponsible (i.e., not keeping promises, not showing up, behaving in an inconsistent way, etc).

• Be aware that even if your children appear to be well and they continue to do well in school and with their peers, many children are very good at hiding their feelings.  Unlike the children who engage in acting out behavior where it's obvious there's a problem, these children internalize the trauma with little or no outward sign, so encourage your child to engage in an ongoing dialog with you about the changes in the family.  Or, if you don't have the wherewithal to do it on your own, seek help for yourself and your child.

Getting Help in Therapy

Ending a marriage or a long term relationship can be very challenging, especially when you have children.

If you feel overwhelmed, you're not alone.  Help is available to you.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek assistance from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to get through this stressful time.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.