Split Loyalty: Traumatic Experiences For Children After Their Parents' Divorce

I've written prior articles about divorce focusing on how to talk to children about your divorce and also how to co-parent after the breakup (see my articles:  Talking to Your Child About Divorce and Co-Parenting After Divorce).  Aside from the issues I discussed in these articles, there's another common issue that comes up for young children as well as for adult children, which is the trauma of split loyalty.

The Trauma of Split Loyalty

When most people get married, they're not thinking about getting divorced.  In addition, most people want the best for their children.  They're not trying to intentionally hurt them.  But, although it's usually unintentional, many children get caught in the middle between their parents and this is a traumatic dilemma for them.

What is Split Loyalty?

Split loyalty is also called divided loyalty or loyalty conflict.  It means that children feel they have to choose between their two parents.  This often occurs when one or both parents don't know how to model a harmonious relationship with the other parent.  

This can easily occur in the heat of a divorce when people are angry and don't realize how they're behaving in front of their children.  Aside from divorce or a relationship breakup, it also occurs when spouses remain together but they have an ongoing conflictual relationship.

The situation is even worse when parents berate each other in front of the children or the children overhear parents saying negative things about the other parents.  This is more likely to happen when parents are emotionally overwhelmed or when they talk to their children as if the children are their confidants (see my article: Why Your Child Can't Be Your Friend).

Children already feel vulnerable enough when their parents are getting divorced because they know their family situation is going to change, but they have no control over the changes in their family.  If, on top of that, they feel that their parents aren't in control of their emotions, this is especially traumatizing (see my article: Staying Emotionally Grounded During Stressful Times).

One of the worst situations is when one or both parents engage in parental alienation.  This dynamic goes beyond just showing animosity without realizing it.

Parental alienation is a deliberate attempt to alienate the child from their other parent.  This usually occurs when a parent has lost sight of what is in the best interest of the child either due to the parents' own narcissistic traits or some other psychological reason.  

Here are some examples of parental alienation:

• "Your father doesn't love you."  
• "Your mother only cares about herself"
• "Your father is so incompetent that he never does anything right."
• "I should've never married your mother."
• "Don't be like your father."
• "It makes me angry that you look so much like your mother."
• "Your father is crazy."
• "Your mother didn't treat me well."

Split loyalty is damaging for children at any age, but it's especially damaging for young children.  Children's traumatic wounds often carry over into adulthood and impact them as adults with regard to trust and the ability to be in healthy relationship (see my article: How Past Psychological Trauma Lives on in the Present).

Tips For Avoiding Split Loyalty

• Avoid confiding in your children about your anger and upset towards your ex because, if you do, you'll be setting them up to choose between you and your ex, which is very confusing for them and a no-win situation.

• Be aware of who you confide in about your negative feelings about your ex because it could get back to your children through gossip or they might overhear you speaking.

• Recognize that, unless your ex is dangerous, your children will need to continue to have a parental relationship with their other parent and it's best to do so without feeling guilty about being "disloyal" to you.

• Be respectful towards your ex and model respectful behavior in front of your children. 

• Recognize that your ex deserves the respect of your children.

• Ask your children to tell you how they're feeling about the divorce and the breakup of the family.  If they know it's acceptable for them to talk to you about their feelings, they won't feel they have to bottle up their feelings or that it's unacceptable for them to talk to you about what's happening in the family.  

• Recognize that young children and adolescents often act out because they don't have the vocabulary to express their feelings so they act it out with their behavior.  

• Be aware that children often act out with the parent they have the closer relationship because they feel emotionally safer with that parent as compared to a parent who is unreliable and, hence, emotionally unsafe.  This is important to recognize so you don't feel confused about why your child is acting out with the responsible parent and not with the one who is irresponsible (i.e., not keeping promises, not showing up, behaving in an inconsistent way, etc).

• Be aware that even if your children appear to be well and they continue to do well in school and with their peers, many children are very good at hiding their feelings.  Unlike the children who engage in acting out behavior where it's obvious there's a problem, these children internalize the trauma with little or no outward sign, so encourage your child to engage in an ongoing dialog with you about the changes in the family.  Or, if you don't have the wherewithal to do it on your own, seek help for yourself and your child.

Getting Help in Therapy

Ending a marriage or a long term relationship can be very challenging, especially when you have children.

If you feel overwhelmed, you're not alone.  Help is available to you.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek assistance from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to get through this stressful time.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Overcoming the Trauma of Parental Alienation

Parental alienation is when a parent deliberately says or does things to alienate a child from the other parent.  This often happens when the parents are having problems with each other or they're going through a divorce.  It's a form of triangulation and has a negative emotional impact on a child.

Overcoming the Trauma of Parental Alienation

Why Do Parents Engage in Parental Alienation With Children?
Often, parental alienation can take the form of one parent saying negative things about the other parent. So, for instance, a mother might tell a child, "Your father doesn't love you" or a father could tell a child divulge personal things that have gone on between the parents, like the mother having an extramarital affair, that the child is not developmentally ready to hear.

Whether parents are together or they are in the process of getting a divorce, the emotional and physical well-being of their children should be their primary concern.  But many parents, who are consumed with anger and resentment towards each other, often forget this and, intentionally or not, use the child as a pawn to get back at each other.

The Traumatic Impact of Parental Alienation on Children
Young children are particular vulnerable to the trauma involved with parental alienation and suffer the most.  They don't have the emotional defenses that older children often have to ward off the negative impact of parental alienation.

Hearing negative things about one or both parents can be frightened and confusing for them, especially if one of the parents tells them that the other doesn't care about the child.

The Trauma Doesn't End When the Children Become Adults
Children, who grow up in a home where there is parental alienation, usually continue to be affected by this dynamic when they grow up.  It often affects their adult romantic relationships, making if difficult to develop trust or to even enter into a romantic relationship.

As adults, they might continue to feel ambivalent about the parent that was maligned to them, especially if that parent doesn't make an effort to try to repair the relationship.

The following fictionalized vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, illustrates how damaging parental alienation can be as well as how this trauma can be worked through in therapy:

John
When John was a young child, his mother was in and out of drug rehabilitation programs because of her addiction to prescription pills.  John's father and his paternal grandparents took care of John during the times when his mother was away.

Overcoming the Trauma of Parental Alienation

John was never told where his mother was or why she was away.  His mother's drug addiction was the family secret, and he only found out as an adult why she was often gone for long periods of time.  John's father, who felt angry and bitter towards the mother, would often tell John that his mother didn't care about him--that she only cared about herself.

Whenever John's father told him things like this, John would go into his room and cry silently to himself.  His father made sure that John's basic physical needs were taken care of, but he wasn't a warm or nurturing person and neither were his paternal grandparents.  So, he was often left by himself in his room.

When his mother was home, she was the more loving and nurturing one, so this was very confusing for John.  He felt like his mother loved him, but his father always told him that she didn't, so he wasn't sure what to believe.

During those times, when his mother was home, John would cling to her, often falling asleep on her lap.  He feared that if he let her go, she would go away again.

Whenever his parents fought, John would put the pillow over his ears so he wouldn't hear them.  When the shouting died down, John's father would often come into John's room to complain to him about the mother--she was selfish, manipulative, dishonest, a bad wife and a bad mother.  Hearing these things hurt John, but he didn't feel he could say anything because even though his father was speaking to him, John felt that his father was hardly aware that he was there.

Throughout school, John tended to have only one or two friends, usually more outgoing boys that John sought out.  In college, he was lonely most of the time.  Occasionally, he went out with his roommates, but he mostly kept to himself.

By the time John graduated and came to NYC for a career opportunity, he was very lonely, and he didn't know anyone in NY.

His parents lived in the same household, but they barely spoke.  The father lived in the basement and the mother continued to live on the first floor, but they were living separate lives.  When John went home to visit them, his father still complained about the mother being a bad wife and mother.  John was now old enough to see that his mother was high, even though she denied it.  So, he hated going home and tried to avoid it as much as possible.

John started therapy because, even though he was lonely, he had a lot of problems meeting women.  He was painfully shy and afraid of getting hurt, but he didn't want to feel this way for his entire life.

After hearing John's family history, I discussed parental alienation and it resonated with him.  Just knowing that there was a term for what he experienced and that other people had experienced it too helped him to feel a little better.

After we developed a therapeutic rapport, we began using clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing to help John to work through the trauma he experienced as a child and the effect it was having on him as an adult.

John had never thought of himself as being a traumatized child.  He was surprised, but it made sense to him.  Before coming to therapy, he just thought that his experience was how it was. For him, it was "normal."  He didn't realize that not all children experience parental alienation.  He had never thought about it before.

Over time, John gradually began the healing process so he could visit his parents at home without getting pulled into their hostile dynamic. He also began to date.

If you're interested in finding out about clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, I've included websites under the Resource section below.  Both websites have directories for therapists in the both in the US and internationally.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you grew up in a environment where you experienced parental alienation, you might not realize the traumatic effect it had on you and that you might still be experiencing the impact as an adult.  If the vignette above feels familiar, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with parental alienation.

If you can work through the trauma of parental alienation, you could live a more fulfilling life.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.