Relationships: How to Rebuild Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

Several years ago I wrote an article about rebuilding trust after a betrayal in a relationship focusing on the person who was betrayed. 

In the current article I'm focusing on how the person who betrayed their partner can try to rebuild trust.

Rebuilding Trust After You Betrayed Your Partner

How Can You Rebuild Trust in Your Relationship After You Have Betrayed Your Partner?

If you have betrayed your partner and your partner is willing to give you a second chance, be aware that this can be a delicate time in your relationship.

Even if you both want to try to work it out, it might not last. The reason for this is that many couples who try to work on their relationship after a betrayal discover the road to rebuilding trust is harder than they anticipated and they just can't get there.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

If you're sincere and you're both willing to do the work, here are some suggestions that can help:

• Listen to Your Partner Express Their Pain: You need to listen to your partner express the pain you caused them without getting defensive or making excuses. This often involves more than just one conversation, but if you want to regain your partner's trust, you need to be attuned to their pain. Your partner might need time to fully realize the affect of this betrayal, what it meant to them and how they will express it to you. Allow them the time and space to do it.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Acknowledge the Harm You Did and Validate Your Partner's Feelings: After you have listened attentively without getting defensive, be open and honest in acknowledging the pain you caused your partner. Let your partner know you're aware of how much you hurt them.  

• Offer a Sincere Apology: Saying "I'm sorry" once is unlikely to be enough. You might need to express your genuine remorse for your betrayal more than once and over time.

• Be Open to Talk to Your Partner About How the Two of You Got to This Point: It's important that you take responsibility for your actions without any excuses. But it's also important, when the time is right, for the two of you to talk about how you both got to this point in your relationship. If it's too difficult for the two of you to do this on your own, consider couples therapy where a a licensed mental health professional can help you both to have these difficult conversations, work towards healing and begin the process of rebuilding trust.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Be Consistent and Dependable: Keep your promises. Maintain whatever commitments you made to your partner. These include both big and small commitments. Be predictable in your behavior--show up when you say you're going to show up and do what you said you would do. You need to demonstrate to your partner that you're trustworthy.

• Communicate Openly and Honestly: Share your thoughts and feelings and be an active listener when your partner communicates with you--even though it might be hard to hear how much pain you caused them.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Reflect on Your Behavior and How You Need to Change: Examine your behavior and address patterns you need to change.

• Make a Commitment For Positive Change: Be sincere about making positive changes and then show your partner how you're making these changes.

Rebuilding Trust After You Betrayed Your Partner

• Provide Reassurance: In the aftermath of your betrayal, your partner will probably need more reassurance from you than before they discovered the betrayal. So, find ways to show you care. Create an atmosphere of safety so that, over time, your partner can regain trust in you.

• Work on Developing a Better Connection With Your Partner: Create positive shared experiences together to reinforce your bond.

• Be Patient and Allow Time For Healing: Healing after a betrayal is a process and the process can't be put on a timetable. There is no quick fix. Once trust has been broken, it takes time to heal and everyone heals in their own time.

What If You and Your Partner Discover Your Relationship is Beyond Repair?

As mentioned above, it's not always possible to rebuild trust--even when both people really try.

There are times when both people make a genuine effort to rebuild trust, but in the process they discover they have reached an impasse. 

Your Relationship Might Be Beyond Repair

For instance, your partner might realize they really can't overcome their hurt and resentment or you might realize you're not willing or able to make the necessary changes needed to rebuild trust.

At that point, you should both attempt to separate in a way that doesn't cause any additional pain.

Once you have decided to end the relationship, be clear about boundaries.

Take Time to Grieve

Take time to grieve the end of the relationship. 

Practice self care. 

Seek emotional support from people close to you.

Consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional to help you heal.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:

What Do You Consider Cheating?

Relationships: The Benefits of Scheduling S£x

Most people think that spontaneous sex is the best kind of sex--this is sex that occurs in the heat of the moment when two people can't keep their hands off each other no matter what they're doing and where they are. 

 

The Benefits of Scheduling Sex

Spontaneous sex is the kind of sex that you see in movies where the characters suddenly rip each other's clothes off because they can't wait one more moment to have sex (see my article: Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire With the Sex Drive Simmer Technique).

But the reality for most people is that they're leading such busy lives that sex is often neglected or put last after taking care of the kids, doing the chores, work and other demands on their lives--especially for people in long term relationships.

When a couple hasn't had sex in a while, it can be hard to get back into it and, for many couples, even harder to talk about it (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Usually it's the person with the stronger sex drive that brings it up in a tentative, half-joking way so as not to get hurt by the possibility of a rejection.

Then person, who might have a lower sex drive, feels guilty and burdened by their partner's need for sex.  The person with the lower sex drive might acquiesce to having more sex, but they often don't enjoy it because they feel like they're doing it for their partner instead of being something that they want for themselves as well as for the relationship.

The Benefits of Scheduled Sex

Many couples who come to see me in my private practice in New York City seek help because they're either having infrequent sex, unsatisfying sex or no sex at all.  

The Benefits of Scheduling Sex

They will often say that they had a great sex life when the relationship was new and before they got busy in their lives with their children and other responsibilities.  But, over time, sex became less of a priority--until so much time had passed that it felt too difficult to initiate sex again (see my articles: What is Your Sexual Initiation Style? and What If You and Your Partner Have Different Initiation Styles?).

Sex therapists often recommend that couples, who find themselves in this situation, experiment with scheduling sex.  Many people respond dubiously to this recommendation, but there are many benefits to scheduling sex.

In addition, what probably seemed like "spontaneous sex" when two people were dating wasn't really so spontaneous.  First of all, there's planning involved with dating, including choosing an activity, what clothes to wear, daydreaming about what it will be like, planning a day to meet and deciding on the question of "Your place or mine?" 

So, what seemed like it was "spontaneous sex" when you were dating was actually a planned sexual activity with a buildup of anticipation, sexual energy and dopamine (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

Once you're living together and you're seeing each other all the time, you lose a lot of the anticipation, sexual energy and dopamine because the two of you are spending a lot of time together. You've become familiar to each other--like family, and that takes away much of the mystery and excitement (see my article: The Madonna-Whore Complex is Still Alive and Well Today).

Once you're spending a lot of time together, the two of you need to find ways to create that sexual excitement and scheduling sex (as unsexy as it might sound at first) is one way to do this.

So, let's look at the benefits of scheduling sex with your partner?

• Making a Commitment to Prioritize Sex: Often when a couple doesn't schedule sex, it doesn't happen because you both get busy. Life has a way of crowding out sex, so you keep putting it off until a lot of time has passed. So, when you make a commitment to have sex on certain days or at certain times, you're more likely to follow through with it if it's important to both of you.

The Benefits of Scheduling Sex

• Creating Longing and Anticipation: One of the primary benefits of scheduling sex is that you both get to look forward to it with longing and anticipation. This helps to stimulate sexual excitement that builds from the time you scheduled it to the time you have sex.

• Giving You Time to Think About What You Might Enjoy: Just like planning a vacation can be half the fun, giving yourself time to think about what you might enjoy sexually helps to get you in the mood for sex and adds to your enjoyment.

• Reviving Your Sexual and Emotional Connection: In a prior article, I mentioned that some people need to feel an emotional connection to have sex and others need to have sex to feel the emotional connection. If you both know that there is a time to have sex, you can look forward to both the emotional and sexual connection (see my article: Whereas Women Often Need an Emotional Connection to Connect Sexually, Men Often Need Sex to Connect Emotionally).

The Benefits of Scheduling Sex

• Helping You Avoid Future Dry Spells: When you have scheduled a time to have sex, you're more likely to avoid dry spells where long periods of time go by before you have sex again. The longer you wait to have sex, the more difficult it is to get going again.

• Providing a Time and Place to Explore, Experiment and Be Playful: Maybe one of the reasons you and your partner might have entered into a dry spell was because you both got into a sexual rut where you did the same things over and over again until these sexual activities got boring. If you have agreed on a time to have sex, you can also use that time to be playful and explore other aspects of sex.  Maybe you'll try a new sex toy or a sexual position you haven't tried before. Maybe you'll talk about your sexual fantasies or do a role play you would both enjoy. Whatever you try that's new, it's a chance to add novelty to your sex life to keep it fun and exciting (see my article: The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship).

• Decreasing Stress: Sex can be a great way to relieve stress.  Many people talk about how relaxed and refreshed they feel after having sex--whether they have an orgasm or not.

How to Schedule Sex

• Find a Day and Time That Works For Both of You: Whether you choose certain days and times on a weekly basis or you plan it from week to week, talk to your partner about times to have sex when it's convenient for both of you. You might need to negotiate the time too because it's not unusual for one person to be a morning person and the other to be a night owl so you'll need to find a compromise. Then, once you've decided on the schedule, write it down in a shared calendar.

• Stick With the Schedule as Best as You Can: Aside from emergencies, try to stick to the schedule so that each of you show your commitment to yourself and each other.  This doesn't mean that if the days you planned turn out not to work that you can't change it. But don't give up your scheduled sex time to accommodate other friends and family for non-urgent matters.

• Be Flexible About Your Sexual Activities: If you and your partner made a plan to have sex every Saturday night and Sunday morning, be flexible about what you plan to do. Depending upon your energy level, sexual activities can mean different things--it doesn't always mean intercourse.  For instance, on some days when you're feeling energetic and you have more time, you might plan to spend a few hours in bed experimenting with role plays or sex toys with lots of foreplay.  Other days, when you're tired, you might both be in the mood for a quickie or spend the time engaging in oral sex. So, try to expand your definition of sex beyond intercourse to accommodate both of your moods and energy (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Sexual Intercourse).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you have tried to improve your sex life without success, you could benefit from sex therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy. There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

Many individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?

Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, also known as EFT, was primarily developed by Canadian psychologist, Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s.

See my articles: 

EFT Couple Therapy - Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck

EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonding Can Replace a Negative Cycle in Your Relationship 

How EFT Couple Therapy Can Help You to Improve Your Relationship). 

Dr. Johnson established The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT) in 1998, and the center provides training for psychotherapists in EFT.  There is also an EFT Center in Greater New York (NYCEFT).  EFT is now being used internationally in psychotherapists' offices, hospitals, clinics and in other therapeutic centers around the world.

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples

EFT draws on attachment theory, which focuses on the earliest relationship between caregiver and baby, and also the enduring emotional bond between adults.

EFT is also based on Carl Rogers' person-centered psychotherapy, which takes an empathic stance in therapy.  In addition, EFT the theory of adult bonding to help couples understand their individual dynamics and the dynamics in their relationship, including whatever negative cycle they might have developed that keeps them stuck.

What Are the Stages in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?
There are three stages of EFT Couple Therapy:

• Stage 1: De-Escalation:  As part of the first stage of EFT Couple Therapy, the EFT couple therapist begins by assessing the couple's interaction style, which cause conflicts.  She also helps the couple to identify the negative cycle/attachment emotions, and frames the problem based on the cycle, attachment needs and fears.

• Stage 2: Restructuring the Bond and Changing Interaction Patterns:  During the second stage of EFT Couple Therapy, the EFT therapist assists each person in the relationship to voice his or her attachment needs and deep emotions.  The EFT therapist coaches each person on how to express acceptance and compassion for the other partner's attachment needs and deep emotions.  Each member of the couple is also coached in how to express his or her own attachment needs and emotions and how to discuss the issues that are causing conflicts.

• Stage 3: Consolidation:  The EFT couple therapist coaches the couple on how to use new communication styles to talk about their problems and come up with new solutions.  The couple also learns to use the skills they learned in EFT couple therapy so they create and use new interaction patterns after they leave EFT couple therapy.

Conclusion
EFT Couple Therapy is a well-researched method that helps couples to improve their relationship.  It has been studied extensively and shown to be effective.

Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy

EFT Couple Therapy was developed by Sue Johnson, and it is based on attachment theory, Rogerian therapy, and a theory of adult bonding.

There are three stages in EFT (as presented above).

Although the stages are presented in a linear way in this article, in reality, just like any other form of therapy, the process isn't always linear.

Since the couple is coached to identify and change the negative cycle in their relationship, they learn to stop blaming each other.  Instead, they learn that there are "no bad guys"--just a negative cycle that they can learn to change.

For more information about EFT Couple Therapy, see Sue Johnson's book, Hold Me Tight.

Getting Help For Your Relationship in EFT Couple Therapy
If you and your spouse or partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you owe it to yourself to get help from an EFT couples therapist.

Your EFT couples therapist can help you to restructure the bond in your relationship so you change the negative cycle, express your emotional needs and gain acceptance and compassion for your partner's and your own emotional needs.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, EFT couple therapist, AEDP, EMDR therapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
What Happens in Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy?

Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example

EFT Couple Counseling Helps Couples to Move Beyond Reactive Emotions and Destructive Arguing Cycles

What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Therapy?

Stage Two of EFT Couple Counseling: A Clinical Example

Why Does EFT For Couples Focus on Emotions?

EFT For Couples: The Importance of Primary Emotions to Improve Your Relationship

Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship - Part 2

In my prior article, 5 Tips for Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship - Part 1, I began a discussion about this topic.  In this article, I'll provide a clinical example to illustrate how to these tips work with a couple having these ongoing problems.

Clinical Example: Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in a Relationship

The following vignette, which is a composite of many vignettes, illustrates how a couple can learn to reduce their reactivity and arguments:

Ann and Bill

During their fourth year of marriage, Ann and Bill, who were both in their early 40s, considered getting a divorce because of their frequent arguments.

While they were dating, they hardly argued at all.  However, after they had their second child, the stressors involved with raising two children took a toll on their relationship to the point where they were arguing nearly everyday.  

When Ann suggested that they try couples therapy, Bill was skeptical at first. But he agreed to meet with a couples therapist to try to work things out between them.

Their couples therapist, who was an Emotionally Focused couples therapist, helped them to see the ongoing pattern of their interactions, their attachment styles and how their differences were impacting each other.

Ann learned that she tended to have more of an anxious attachment style with Bill, and Bill learned that he tended to have an avoidant attachment style with Ann.  Although this is a common dynamic in couples, it also creates problems.

Whenever there was a conflict, Ann would want to try to resolve things immediately due to her anxiety, and Bill preferred to withdraw for a few days because of his avoidant dynamic. Bill's avoidance exacerbated Ann's anxiety, and Ann's anxiety made Bill want to avoid the issues even more.  This often lead to a downward spiral between them.

Their EFT couples therapist helped them to each have more empathy for each other.  Ann learned to give Bill more time and space so that he could calm himself before he dealt with the conflict.  Bill learned to appreciate how anxious their arguments made Ann feel, and he also learned to be more specific in terms of how much time he needed, so Ann didn't feel like she was waiting for him indefinitely.

Each of them make an agreement to reduce their emotional reactivity by reducing their stress levels. Ann took up yoga, and Bill learned a breathing exercise.  They both began doing mindfulness meditation to reduce their overall stress, so they could approach each other in a calm way when disagreements arose.

In addition, they learned to be patient and engage in active listening with each other. Instead of being preoccupied with what they were going to say, they gave each other their full attention.

They also learned to ask questions if there was anything they didn't understand rather than jumping to conclusions and reacting based on those conclusions. They also learned to stop invalidating and belittling each other other during their disagreements.

Although they still had occasional disagreements, over time, they stopped having big contentious arguments.  They were each much happier in their relationship, and they decided to remain married.

Conclusion

The five tips for reducing emotional reactivity and arguments are as follows:

• Calm yourself before you react

• Make an agreement with your partner to reduce emotional reactivity.

• Tell your partner that you want to know what s/he needs from you.

• Make an effort to understand what your partner is trying to tell you.

• Don't invalidate or belittle your partner

Getting Help in Therapy

Many couples are unable to work through their issues on their own.  In addition, some couples are having a difficult time due to the stressors involved with the pandemic.

If you and your partner are unable to resolve your problems, you could benefit from seeing a couples therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, if you and your partner are unable to resolve your problems, contact a licensed therapist who provides couples therapy.  

Working with an experienced couples therapist could save your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, EFT couples therapist and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

5 Tips For Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship - Part 1

Everyone has had the experience of getting triggered and overreacting to their partner at one time or another.  But when there's a pattern of emotional reactivity that leads to frequent arguments, these arguments can signal a serious problem that threatens the relationship. 

Each person needs to learn to be less emotionally reactive.  

So, let's explore how you can reduce the emotional reactivity in your relationship (see my article: The Challenge of Keeping Small Arguments From Becoming Big Conflicts in Your Relationship).

Reducing Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship

What is Emotional Reactivity? 
Emotional reactivity is a tendency to have intense emotional reactions. Negative emotional reactions, like snapping at your partner, often occur because you feel triggered by something that was said or you're displacing your anger from another situation onto your partner. For instance, you have a problem with your boss and you come home and snap at your spouse.

What is Emotional Regulation?
Generally, emotional regulation refers to an ability to modulate your emotions to reduce reactivity.  

Reducing Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship

For instance, instead of snapping at your spouse after you had a bad day at work, you take a moment to calm yourself first so that you don't displace your emotional reaction to the situation at work onto your spouse. One way to reduce reactivity so that you can regulate your emotions is through mindfulness.

What is Mindfulness? 
On the most basic level, mindfulness is a state of focusing your awareness on the present moment while accepting your feelings, thoughts and body sensations. It takes practice to achieve a state of mindfulness, especially if you tend to be emotionally reactive (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

5 Tips For Reducing Emotional Reactivity 

• Calm Yourself Before You React: Before you react, take a moment to breathe and calm your mind and your body. While you're calming yourself, use mindfulness techniques to become aware of what you're feeling, thinking and sensing in your body (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Developing a Felt Sense For Your Internal Experience ).

• Make an Agreement with Your Partner: The agreement is that neither of you will be emotionally reactive to the other, and if either of you feels like you're about to lose your temper, you'll take time to get calm. If this means that you take a break from the discussion to be alone for a short period of time, communicate this to your partner. If you're about to lose your temper, do something to calm yourself, like splashing cold water on your face.

• Tell Your Partner that You Want to Know What He or She Needs and Then Listen: Encourage your partner to tell you what s/he feels and what is needed from you. Listen carefully to what your partner is saying rather than focusing on your response (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening).

• Make an Effort to Understand What Your Partner is Trying to Communicate with You: Try to understand what's really being communicated beyond his or her angry tone and words.

• Don't Invalidate Your Partner's Experience When It's Your Turn to Respond: After you have listened to your partner's concerns and it's your turn to speak, don't invalidate or belittle your partner's concerns. Be respectful and, if you don't understand your partner's feelings, ask questions in a nonjudgmental way.

I'll provide a scenario in my next article to illustrate of what I've discussed in this article (see my article: Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship - Part 2.

Getting Help in Couple Therapy
Everyone needs help at some point.

If you've tried to change a reactive communication pattern in your relationship and you're been unable to do it, you and your partner could benefit from working with a couple therapist who can help you to understand and change the dynamics in your relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Do Core Emotional Issues Get Triggered in Romantic Relationships?

When you're involved in a serious romantic relationship, you are at your most emotionally vulnerable.  So, it's no surprise that core emotional issues often get triggeredwhen you're in love.

See my article: Relationships: Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable

Core Emotional Issues Get Triggered in Relationships

Of course, there are usually many positive emotions that come up too when you feel loved and cared about and when you feel the same way for someone else.  But many people discover that several months into the relationship (and sometimes even before that) they begin feeling vulnerable as they realize just how important their partner is to them and how hurtful it would be if it didn't work out.

This emotional vulnerability is usually felt even more acutely when either one or both people have experienced emotional trauma from the past, including family of origin issues, prior breakups or earlier losses.  These old wounds tend to get triggered in the current relationship--even though the relationship might be going very well.  And, if it isn't going well, the current problems can trigger old emotional wounds even more.

Many people find the periods of time in a relationship when it's unclear if the relationship will go to the next level the most anxiety provoking.  These transitional times can include going from casual dating to a monogamous dating, from monogamous dating to being in a committed relationship and the period from a committed relationship to living together or getting married.

If one of both people are ambivalent about the next step, it can be unnerving as each person weighs the risk of remaining emotionally open to the other.  It helps a lot if the couple can talk about it openly.  But if they can't or if their talks are unproductive, they could benefit from couples therapy.

Clinical Vignette:  Why Do Core Emotional Issues Get Triggered in Romantic Relationships?
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how core issues are triggered as a romantic relationship transitions from casual dating to a more committed relationship:

Ann and Ted
After they met at a party, Ann and Ted, who were both in their mid-30s, began dating casually about once a week.  During the initial few weeks, they enjoyed each other's company, especially since they had so many common interests.

Two months into the relationship, Ann realized how much she cared for Ted, and she wondered if he was seeing other women.  She wasn't sure how to bring this up. On the one hand, she didn't want Ted to think she was being too demanding of his attention but, on the other hand, she was becoming increasingly worried that as she began to really like him, he might become interested in someone else.

When her worries became greater than her fear of appearing demanding, she broached the topic with Ted over dinner.  Initially, she felt anxious and she feared taking the emotional risk of making herself vulnerable when he might not feel the same way.  But she knew she needed to address this issue, so she told Ted she thought they needed to have a talk about their relationship (see my article: Dating: Is It Time to Have the Talk?).

Upon hearing Ann's words, Ted's expression shifted and Ann could see that he looked worried, "Is everything okay between us, Ann?"  In response, Ann took the risk and told Ted that she really liked him and she would prefer it if they could date each other exclusively rather than dating other people.

When she heard Ted laugh, Ann was confused until he said, "Oh...You looked so serious--I was worried that you were going to say that you didn't want to see me anymore. I'm not dating anyone else and I feel the same way that you do."

During the next few weeks, after they talked about how much they both cared for one another, their relationship deepened, and they spent more time together than before.  With the deepening of their relationship, they enjoyed each other's company even more and made vacation plans for the summer.

However, soon after that, Ann became worried again because she realized she had fallen in love with Ted, and she worried that if their relationship didn't work out, she would be devastated.  She thought about her last long term relationship where she and her fiancé had plans to get married, but their relationship fell apart just a few months before the wedding after he got "cold feet" and ended the relationship.

Even before that engagement, Ann tended to be skeptical about relationships.  Her parents divorced when she was only six months old.  Since her father disappeared from her life after the divorce, Ann never had a relationship with him.  Her mother, who never remarried or even dated after she and Ann's father were divorced, had very negative views of men.  She would constantly warn Ann not to trust men, and she even tried to discourage Ann from dating.

Although Ann rebelled against her mother's negative views about men and began dating in high school, she never felt completely free of her mother's views.  Even though she liked boys and she wanted to be in a relationship, she feared that her mother might be right.

When her fiancé left her, Ann couldn't help feeling that this was a sign that her mother might be right that she shouldn't trust men.  It took Ann a couple of years to overcome the pain of that loss. She was very hesitant to get involved again, but she didn't want to resign herself of a life of being alone.  So, when she met Ted, she decided to give dating another chance.

But as her feelings for Ted grew, her fear also continued to grow.  Aside from this, she wanted to have children, and she feared that if she waited too long, she might have problems getting pregnant.

There were days when she almost wanted to end the relationship rather than face the possibility that at some point in the future he might leave her.  On a rational level, she knew that there were no signs of this but, on an emotional level, her fear became overwhelming.

They were now dating exclusively for six months, and Ann knew that Ted wouldn't initiate a conversation about where they were in their relationship.  He seemed to be content with the way things were going between them.  So, she knew she would have to do it, but she was even more fearful than she had been the first time they talked.

One night when they were out to dinner, Ted noticed that Ann was much quieter than usual, and she was just pushing the food around her plate, so he asked her, "Is something wrong, Ann?"

Ann's initial inclination was to try to smile and say that there was nothing wrong, but she couldn't do it.  She was barely holding back tears.  She knew that Ted was aware of how devastated she felt when her engagement ended suddenly because they talked about their history of relationships soon after they started dating.  But she wasn't sure if he knew about the lasting effect it had on her and how it was affecting their relationship.

With much effort, Ann told Ted about her fears of getting hurt in their relationship and how it was becoming increasingly difficult for her to cope with those fears.  While she was telling him about this, she could barely look at him because she felt so ashamed.  She was sure that he would think she was being ridiculous and that her fears would push him away.

But, to her surprise, Ted listened and he was very understanding.  Although he had never experienced the kinds of losses that Ann experienced, he was deeply moved by her fears and sadness.  He gave her the time and space she needed to express her feelings without being judgmental.  Then, he assured her that his feelings for her had deepened over time and he had no intention of leaving her.

Ann was momentarily relieved to hear this, but her fears continued to mount.  She was afraid that her fears would bring about the end of the relationship, so she suggested that they go to couples therapy.

At the recommendation of a friend, who attended Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, Ann and Ted began couples therapy.  With the help of their EFT couples therapist, they developed a better understanding of their attachment styles and how these attachment styles affected their relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?).

After the EFT couples therapist recommended that Ann attend her own individual therapy to deal with the loss of her father, which was getting triggered in her current relationship, Ann started individual therapy.  In her individual therapy, Ann was able to separate out her family of origin experiences and losses (including the negative views about men that her mother attempted to impart on Ann) and her current experiences with Ted.

Both Ted and Ann discovered in EFT that they had different communication and attachment styles, and they learned how to communicate better (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Most importantly, they learned how to be emotionally vulnerable with each other in order to ask for what they needed from one another and to enhance their relationship (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: Learning to Ask For What You Need From Your Partner).

At the same time, Ann got more comfortable with trusting that, even though she knew there were no guarantees, things would work out between them, especially once she was no longer triggered.

Conclusion
Core issues, including emotional insecurities, old emotional wounds, and negative beliefs about oneself, often get triggered in romantic relationships because people are most vulnerable when they open themselves to loving another person.

When there is a history of loss and emotional trauma, it's not unusual for these issues to enter into the relationship and cause one or both people to become fearful of getting hurt.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, which has been well researched, is an effective couples therapy to work out these and other relationship issues.

When one or both people have previous trauma that is affecting the current relationship, it's often beneficial to also seek help in individual therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
Fear due to previous losses and trauma often have a significant negative impact on romantic relationships.

Being able to separate out the trauma from the past from the current relationship is difficult to do when someone is being triggered.  It takes the expertise of a trained trauma therapist or EFT couple therapist to begin to help people to uncouple these issues.

Understanding that you and your partner might have different attachment styles and how these attachment styles affect your relationship is an important component of EFT couples therapy.

If you're having problems in your relationship, rather than allowing your relationship to deteriorate, you owe it to yourself and your partner to get help so you can have a more fulfilling, loving relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I am trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples and I have found it to be an effective modality for helping couples to overcome their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning to Become More Emotionally Responsive to Your Partner in EFT Couple Therapy

Couples often feel frustrated by recurring negative cycles in their relationship.  Even couples who really love each other and want to be there for each other get stuck in these negative cycles (see my article:  What is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?)

Learning to Become More Emotionally Responsive to Your Partner in EFT Couple Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples provides couples with an opportunity to identify their negative cycles and, with the help of an EFT-trained couple therapist, learn how to restructure their interactions with each other (see my articles:  EFT Couple Therapy: Working Together to Overcome the Negative Pattern in Your Relationship).

Emotional responsiveness is an essential part of a loving relationship.  But a common problem in many relationships is that each individual in the relationship has a different concept of what being emotionally responsive means, and this is one of the problems that can perpetuate a negative cycle.

Fictional Vignette: Learning to Become Emotionally Responsive to Your Partner in EFT Couple Therapy:
The following fictional vignette is typical of the dynamic that often occurs in couples when there are problems with emotional responsiveness.  Even though this vignette is presented with the woman and man having particular dynamics, these dynamics can occur with either a man or a woman.  In addition, these dynamics also occur in same-sex relationships.

Sam and Nina
Several months into their relationship, Sam asked Nina to move in with him.  Although she loved Sam and she knew he loved her, Nina told him that she was hesitant to take the relationship to the next level because she felt he wasn't as emotionally responsive to her as she would like him to be.

At first, Sam was surprised to hear Nina say this and he asked her to give him examples of when this occurred.  Nina gave Sam several examples of when she needed his emotional support and, instead of being emotionally present with her, Sam overlooked how upset she was and gave her suggestions on how to "fix" the problem.

Sam listened carefully as Nina spoke, but he couldn't understand why Nina thought he wasn't being emotionally supportive by recommending ways to "fix" her problem.

Nina tried to explain to Sam that she wasn't looking for him to "fix" her problems, which included longstanding complex problems with her parents.  Instead, she just wanted him to listen and be emotionally present with her as she talked to him about these problems.

No matter how Nina tried to explain what she felt she needed from Sam emotionally, he remained confused.  By the end of their discussion, Nina felt frustrated that Sam didn't understand, and Sam felt irritated that Nina couldn't see that if she used some of his suggestions, she wouldn't have these problems anymore, "Isn't it better to have a solution?"

When Nina told Sam that she thought this problem between them was significant enough for them to go to couple therapy, he told her that he thought she was making things unnecessarily complicated between them and he didn't see why they needed to go to couple therapy.

But as the weeks passed and they were both feeling emotionally distant from each other, and Nina expressed doubts about the relationship, Sam told Nina, reluctantly, that he would agree to go to couple therapy to try to work things out between them.

Since Nina's friend told her that she and her spouse had a very good experience in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT), Nina sought an EFT couple therapist.

Initially, Sam was sure that the EFT couple therapist would take Nina's side and blame him for their problems, especially since the therapist was a woman.  But he was surprised that the therapist was evenhanded with each of them and she understood and was able to reflect back Sam's and Nina's individual points of view about their problems together with empathy.

Nina and Sam were both pleased that the EFT couple therapist was able to help them to identify the negative cycle where they got stuck as a couple.

Specifically, the therapist assessed that when Nina told Sam that she wasn't getting what she needed from him, Sam felt criticized and blamed, which caused him to withdraw from Nina.  And when Sam withdrew from Nina, she became angry and frustrated and she would become more strident in her efforts to try to get Sam to understand (see my article: What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?.

Nina's reaction, in turn, caused Sam to withdraw even further, and the negative cycle went on and on (see my articles: How EFT Couple Therapy Helps "Pursuers" to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve Their Relationship and How EFT Couple Therapy Helps "Distancers" to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve Their Relationship).

Both Nina and Sam agreed that this was their negative cycle.  Sam asked the therapist, "It's great that we know what our negative cycle is, but how do we fix it?"  Hearing him say this, Nina rolled her eyes in anger and frustration and turned to the therapist, "You see?  This is what I have to deal with.  Right away, he wants to know how to 'fix' it" instead of trying to get a deeper understanding of it."

When Sam saw Nina roll her eyes, he folded his arms defensively and slumped in his chair.  It took several more sessions for Nina to stop criticizing Sam and for Sam to understand that therapy, including couple therapy, is a process.  She told them that she felt confident that they would eventually both learn to be more emotionally responsive to one another.

When Nina got to the point where she understood in couple therapy that Sam genuinely wanted to be emotionally responsive to her and improve their relationship and, at the same time, his earlier family experiences were an obstacle for him, Nina became much more open and compassionate towards Sam.

When Sam experienced Nina as more open and compassionate towards him, Sam was more willing to see how Nina's family background had a negative impact on her in their relationship.  He also became much more patient with the couple therapy process.

They both came to understand that an intellectual understanding of their relationship dynamic was not enough and to achieve the changes that they each wanted, the shift would have to occur on an emotional level.

With the help of their EFT couple therapist, Sam and Nina began to restructure their dynamics in their couple therapy sessions by allowing themselves to be emotionally vulnerable with each other to say what they each needed (see my article: What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?).

At first, when they learned to do this in their couple therapy sessions, they thought they were done with therapy.  But, as their EFT couple therapist told them, they discovered that, at that point, it was difficult to do this on their own without the help of their therapist.  They needed a lot more practice in their sessions to begin to have success on their own.

Like most dynamics in therapy, Nina and Sam found out that their individual progress in couple therapy was often two steps forward and one step back.  But over time, they each became more comfortable being emotionally responsive to each other when they were on their own.

Sam learned how to listen to Nina in an emotionally present and responsive way.  Most of the time, he was no longer focused on "fixing" things between them.  And Nina learned to stop criticizing and blaming Sam when he occasionally slipped up and reverted back to trying to "fix" the problem.

They both learned that, even though they were bound to make mistakes with each other, as everyone does, the most important thing was that they knew how to turn towards each other (rather than away) to emotionally repair their interactions with one another.

Conclusion
In every couple, each person brings a family history that impacts how s/he relates in an adult romantic relationship.

Having compassion and empathy for one another and being willing to change a negative cycle is key to a successful relationship (see my article: EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Learning to Become More Emotionally Responsive to Your Partner in EFT Couple Therapy

How each person in a relationship defines and thinks about being emotionally responsive might be different.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples is a well-researched, powerful tool to help couples to learn to recognize their negative cycle and change it with the help of the EFT couple therapist.

The EFT couple therapist helps the couple to learn new ways of interacting in their sessions so that, eventually, they can interact in a more emotionally responsive way with each other when they're on their own--instead of remaining stuck in a negative cycle.

Getting Help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Couple Therapy
Rather than struggling on your own, you and your partner could benefit from Emotionally Focused Therapy so that you can have a more loving and emotionally satisfying relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist for couples.

I have worked with individuals and couples for over 20 years.

I work with heterosexual, lesbian, gay, transgender and queer couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.