Why People Cheat in Happy Relationships: Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable

When a partner straying comes to light, the immediate assumption is almost always that the relationship was deeply broken. We tell ourselves that someone must have been miserable, neglected, or unloved. However, as a couples therapist in Greenwich Village, NYC (10011), I frequently work with couples where this simply isn’t the case.

Digital flirting can create an alluring fantasy world that fuels emotional distance within a relationship. Greenwich Village, NYC couples therapist Josephine Ferraro, LCSW helps partners bridge this digital divide, processing the underlying need to feel desirable so they can safely rebuild authentic intimacy.

Infidelity is far more common than most people think, and it can happen in an otherwise healthy, loving relationship. 

If you have already explored how to cope with infidelity or the agonizing feeling after the affair when you cannot trust your spouse, it is time to look at a deeper, counterintuitive driver of unfaithfulness: the powerful human need to feel desirable.

The Myth of the Broken Relationship

Renowned relationship expert and psychotherapist Esther Perel has shifted the cultural conversation surrounding affairs by highlighting that infidelity is not always a symptom of a marital deficit. Instead, it is often a symptom of a personal longing.

When someone engages in an affair within a generally happy relationship, they are rarely looking for a new partner. Instead, they are looking for a new version of themselves. The root of the behavior isn't a lack of love for their partner, but an intense desire to recapture a sense of youth, vitality, autonomy, or physical validation.

The Intoxication of Digital Infidelity

In the modern digital age, infidelity frequently doesn't become physical. Instead, it thrives on the level of:

• Flirtatious workplace emails
• Direct messaging on social media
• Secret texting or sexting channels

When a partner steps into these interactions outside the relationship, they enter a highly curated fantasy world. In this digital landscape, they are free from the mundane stressors of daily life—bills, parenting duties, and household chores. In that fantasy, they feel uniquely attractive and wanted. This feeling of being desirable acts as an "intoxicating" neurochemical surge that can be incredibly difficult to let go of, even when the unfaithful partner genuinely wants to stop.

Clinical Vignette: The Illusion of the Flirtatious Email

The following clinical vignette is a fictionalized composite of common dynamics observed in couples therapy. All identifying details have been completely changed to protect client confidentiality.

Ruth and Ed

Ruth and Ed had been married for several years and considered their bond secure. The foundation fractured instantly when Ruth discovered a long chain of highly flirtatious, emotionally intimate emails between Ed and a close colleague.

Ruth was utterly devastated. She felt completely blinded by the shock, hurt, and betrayal. Confronted with the digital evidence, Ed was consumed by deep shame. He repeatedly emphasized that nothing physical had ever occurred, but the lies of omission had already shattered Ruth's sense of safety. 

Reeling from the sudden feeling that she didn't really know her spouse, Ruth asked Ed to temporarily move out so she could process her emotions.

After a few weeks of separation, Ed persuaded Ruth to join him in couples therapy.

During our counseling sessions, we systematically explored what triggered the behavior. Ed realized that the emails weren't about the other woman at all; he loved the way he felt when she flirted with him. It fed an underlying hunger to feel attractive, novel, and desired outside his everyday routine. He harbored no true romantic feelings for his colleague and never intended for the messages to escalate.

For Ruth, the healing journey required processing intense anger. She struggled with the painful thought that she wasn't the one keeping Ed feeling desired, acknowledging that they had both taken each other for granted amidst the busyness of the past few years.

Because both partners remained fiercely committed to the therapy process, they used this painful chapter as a turning point. They actively worked on reigniting passion within their relationship, learning how to make one another feel deeply desirable again. Through honest communication, they navigated this traumatic period and emerged with a marital bond that felt more resilient and transparent than before the betrayal.

Moving Forward: Weaponizing the Past vs. Emotional Growth

When a couple enters relationship therapy following infidelity, the trajectory depends entirely on how the trauma is integrated over time.

• The Chronic Loop: Some couples claim to move past the affair, but the betrayed partner never truly processes the wound. The infidelity is locked away and later used as a psychological weapon, brought up during unrelated arguments to reclaim power or punish the spouse.
• The Transformative Path: For other couples, like Ruth and Ed, working through the crisis becomes a catalyst for profound emotional growth. It forces a level of radical honesty that improves the relationship far beyond its original baseline.

The Role of an Objective Couples Counselor

A skilled, advanced mental health professional does not enter the room with a rigid agenda to either force a couple to stay together or pressure them to split up. That monumental decision belongs solely to the individuals involved.

If a couple decides to part ways, therapy provides a supportive environment to untangle their lives amicably, ensuring each person can step into their next chapter with dignity. 

If they choose to stay together, the couples therapist helps them map out the hidden dynamics so they can rebuild a new relationship on a foundation of truth.

Rebuilding Trust Through Couples Therapy in NYC

If your relationship is struggling under the weight of digital or physical infidelity, making impulsive decisions during a state of crisis can lead to long-term regret. 

Taking the first step to set up a professional psychotherapy consultation is often the most difficult part of the journey, but it is a vital investment in your emotional well-being.

About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, relationship specialist, certified sex therapist and trauma specialist with over 25 years of experience helping individuals and couples repair trust, process trauma, and break through chronic emotional blocks. 

My private practice integrates somatic, experiential, and psychodynamic approaches tailored to resolve deep relational wounds.

I see clients in person at my therapy office in Greenwich Village, New York, NY 10011, as well as online via secure telehealth throughout New York State.

• Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
• Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com
• Phone: (917) 742-2624 (available during business hours)

What is the Connection Between Secrets and Shame?

Secrets and shame are connected in many ways:

• Shame often drives keeping secrets.

• Keeping secrets creates more shame.

The Connection Between Secrets and Shame

• Shame and secret keeping often create an ongoing cycle of:
• Isolation
• Rumination
• Anxiety
  
• Guilt
• Negative self judgment
• Feelings of worthlessness
• Depression
  

How is Keeping Secrets Different From Maintaining Privacy?

While secrecy is often about concealing information due to shame or fear, maintaining privacy is about setting boundaries and choosing what information to share. 

Privacy usually doesn't involve shame or fear (see my article: Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship).

The Connection Between Secrets and Shame

A person who maintains privacy limits access to their life in terms of what they want to share, to whom and how much they want to share or not share.

The motivation for maintaining privacy is autonomy and personal space. An example of this is if a young child asks a parent how much money they earn and the parent knows the child can't handle this information in a responsible way, the parent might keep this information private until the child is mature enough to be responsible with it.

A person who maintains secrets is actively hiding something they feel ashamed about. Their motivation is to conceal something, avoid judgment or other negative consequences. An example of this is a husband who keeps a secret from his wife about gambling away his paycheck.

How Do Secrets Affect Relationships?

As previously mentioned, keeping secrets creates shame and shame can create secrets (see my article: Why Do People in Relationships Keep Secrets?).

• Fear of Being Judged as Having Flaws: People who keep secrets from loved ones often experience fear and shame that their loved ones will see them as flawed if they knew certain things about them. This might include their mental health status, financial struggles, addiction or similar issues.

The Connection Between Secrets and Shame

• Inauthentic and Emotionally Distant Relationships: Keeping secrets involves presenting an inauthentic self to loved ones. People who hide certain aspects of their life have to pick and choose what to tell their loved ones and keep track of what they have already told them. These secrets create emotional distance. Over time, as an individual continues to keep secrets, even if the other partner doesn't know what the secrets are, the emotional distance widens to the point where it can damage the relationship beyond repair.

• Betrayal and Mistrust: If the secret is discovered, the partner who discovers the secret feels betrayed and mistrusts for their partner. In many cases, depending upon the secret and the couple involved, a secret can ruin a relationship (see my article: Common Relationship Problems After Infidelity).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical case is a composite of many cases with all personal information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jim

A big part of Jim's job was frequent travel around the country. He often had secret affairs while he was away and he never told his wife, Linda, about them because he considered them harmless. At the time, his attitude was: What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Jim also liked the way he felt when he was able to attract women and have sex with them (see my article: The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable).

During a one week business trip to California, Jim met Tina at a hotel bar and they spent a few nights together. He told Tina he was married and he had no intention of leaving his wife. He said they could have fun together while he was in California, but their time together would never amount to more than that.

The Connection Between Secrecy and Shame

A month later Jim heard from Tina that she was pregnant with his child and she planned to have the baby. He told Tina that he wanted nothing to do with her or the child. He tried to convince her to have an abortion, but she insisted she would have the child. She also told him that, unless he gave her a large sum of money, she would contact his wife and tell her about the child.

Shocked and upset, Jim didn't know what to do. In the past, he had many affairs and there were never any consequences. After getting the call from Tina, he felt angry with himself for not using a condom and believing her that she was on a birth control pill. 

Jim didn't want to hurt Linda. He also feared that Linda would leave him if she found out about the affair and the pregnancy.  He felt deeply ashamed and, after thinking about it, he decided to ignore Tina's calls and keep the secret from Linda.

Although Linda didn't know his secret, she sensed something was off between her and Jim. She asked him numerous times if there was something wrong because she sensed he was emotionally distant from her. 

Jim denied there was anything wrong. Inwardly, his felt increasingly ashamed. He felt so awful that he thought he didn't deserve Linda. He developed anxiety, insomnia and ruminating thoughts about the end of his marriage.

A few months later, when Jim came home, he found Linda sitting on the couch looking very upset. His worst fears were confirmed when Linda told him she received a call from Tina about the affair and the pregnancy.  She told Jim she wanted to know the truth.

After much hesitation, Jim admitted that he had an affair and he heard from Tina that she was pregnant. He said that without a paternity test to confirm the baby was his, he wasn't sure if he was the father, but he feared that the baby might be his.

At Linda's request, Jim moved into a hotel. Linda said she needed time to think about whether she wanted to remain in the marriage. Although he had opportunities to have sexual affairs while he was at the hotel, he felt so depressed that he rejected women who approached him.

A month later, Linda said she wanted to attend couples therapy to see if their relationship could be salvaged. 

During couples therapy Jim admitted to having numerous affairs which he now regretted. He expressed sincere remorse. He also admitted he had been selfish and he now realized he put their relationship at risk. In response, Linda expressed her anger, hurt, disappointment and sense of betrayal.

Soon after that, Jim entered into his own individual therapy to understand the underlying reasons for why he cheated, to make changes and to try to save his marriage. 

Subsequently, a paternity test revealed that Jim wasn't the father of the baby. Linda decided to stay in couples therapy with Jim to see if they could repair their relationship and if she could regain trust in him.  She told him that she wasn't promising him anything but, after investing 20 years in their marriage, she wanted to give it a try (see my article: Rebuilding Trust After an Affair).

Conclusion

Secrets and shame are connected in an ongoing destructive cycle.

Keeping secrets is different from maintaining privacy for the reasons mentioned above.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with secrets, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

Being able to talk about a long-held secret can provide you with a sense of relief. 

Although a psychotherapist can't tell you what to do, she can help you to sort out how the secret has been affecting you and your loved ones so that you can make decisions about what to do and how to change.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States) therapist, Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship

Toxic Family Secrets  

Breaking the Code of Silence in a Dysfunctional Family

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness 

Being in the Role of the Affair Partner

What Are the Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater 

When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship: Lies of Omission

Relationships: How to Rebuild Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

Several years ago I wrote an article about rebuilding trust after a betrayal in a relationship focusing on the person who was betrayed. 

In the current article I'm focusing on how the person who betrayed their partner can try to rebuild trust.

Rebuilding Trust After You Betrayed Your Partner

How Can You Rebuild Trust in Your Relationship After You Have Betrayed Your Partner?

If you have betrayed your partner and your partner is willing to give you a second chance, be aware that this can be a delicate time in your relationship.

Even if you both want to try to work it out, it might not last. The reason for this is that many couples who try to work on their relationship after a betrayal discover the road to rebuilding trust is harder than they anticipated and they just can't get there.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

If you're sincere and you're both willing to do the work, here are some suggestions that can help:

• Listen to Your Partner Express Their Pain: You need to listen to your partner express the pain you caused them without getting defensive or making excuses. This often involves more than just one conversation, but if you want to regain your partner's trust, you need to be attuned to their pain. Your partner might need time to fully realize the affect of this betrayal, what it meant to them and how they will express it to you. Allow them the time and space to do it.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Acknowledge the Harm You Did and Validate Your Partner's Feelings: After you have listened attentively without getting defensive, be open and honest in acknowledging the pain you caused your partner. Let your partner know you're aware of how much you hurt them.  

• Offer a Sincere Apology: Saying "I'm sorry" once is unlikely to be enough. You might need to express your genuine remorse for your betrayal more than once and over time.

• Be Open to Talk to Your Partner About How the Two of You Got to This Point: It's important that you take responsibility for your actions without any excuses. But it's also important, when the time is right, for the two of you to talk about how you both got to this point in your relationship. If it's too difficult for the two of you to do this on your own, consider couples therapy where a a licensed mental health professional can help you both to have these difficult conversations, work towards healing and begin the process of rebuilding trust.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Be Consistent and Dependable: Keep your promises. Maintain whatever commitments you made to your partner. These include both big and small commitments. Be predictable in your behavior--show up when you say you're going to show up and do what you said you would do. You need to demonstrate to your partner that you're trustworthy.

• Communicate Openly and Honestly: Share your thoughts and feelings and be an active listener when your partner communicates with you--even though it might be hard to hear how much pain you caused them.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Reflect on Your Behavior and How You Need to Change: Examine your behavior and address patterns you need to change.

• Make a Commitment For Positive Change: Be sincere about making positive changes and then show your partner how you're making these changes.

Rebuilding Trust After You Betrayed Your Partner

• Provide Reassurance: In the aftermath of your betrayal, your partner will probably need more reassurance from you than before they discovered the betrayal. So, find ways to show you care. Create an atmosphere of safety so that, over time, your partner can regain trust in you.

• Work on Developing a Better Connection With Your Partner: Create positive shared experiences together to reinforce your bond.

• Be Patient and Allow Time For Healing: Healing after a betrayal is a process and the process can't be put on a timetable. There is no quick fix. Once trust has been broken, it takes time to heal and everyone heals in their own time.

What If You and Your Partner Discover Your Relationship is Beyond Repair?

As mentioned above, it's not always possible to rebuild trust--even when both people really try.

There are times when both people make a genuine effort to rebuild trust, but in the process they discover they have reached an impasse. 

Your Relationship Might Be Beyond Repair

For instance, your partner might realize they really can't overcome their hurt and resentment or you might realize you're not willing or able to make the necessary changes needed to rebuild trust.

At that point, you should both attempt to separate in a way that doesn't cause any additional pain.

Once you have decided to end the relationship, be clear about boundaries.

Take Time to Grieve

Take time to grieve the end of the relationship. 

Practice self care. 

Seek emotional support from people close to you.

Consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional to help you heal.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:

What Do You Consider Cheating?