What is Eroticism?

The topic of this article is eroticism, which most people reduce to mean only sex, but eroticism is much more than sex. So, let's start by defining eroticism and then explore how eroticism develops.

What is Eroticism?

The word erotic comes from the Greek word, Eros, the Greek god of erotic love and desire.  

Understanding Eroticism

In her 1978 essay, "Uses of the Erotic," the poet, writer and Black lesbian feminist Audre Lorde defined the erotic as a source of knowledge, power and transformation.  She also defined it as a vital life force and a source of deep satisfaction, fulfillment and joy.

Similarly, according to relationship and sex therapist, Dr. Esther Perel, who wrote the book, Mating in Captivity, eroticism is the capacity to maintain aliveness, vitality, curiosity, spontaneity and life energy. 

Dr. Perel describes the difference between animals and humans having sex: When humans have sex, they are capable of eroticism. But when animals have sex, they are following their instinctual urge to procreate.  They don't have the capacity to be erotic.

How to Develop the Capacity For Eroticism

According to Dr. Perel, eroticism is pleasure for its own sake which you can develop through your creative imagination. 

Understanding Eroticism

Using your imagination and creative capacity, you have the ability to anticipate and imagine yourself in an erotic act where you can have multiple orgasms alone or with others.  Unlike animals, you can imagine the act without ever enacting it.

Dr. Perel grew up in a Belgium community of Holocaust survivors, which included her parents who survived the camps. She talks about there being two groups in that community, "those who didn't die" and "those who came back to life."

The people who didn't die, according to Dr. Perel, were those who couldn't experience pleasure because they couldn't trust. Due to their trauma, they were vigilant, anxious, and insecure.  This made it impossible for them to be imaginative and playful, which are necessary ingredients for eroticism.

The people who came back to life understood that eroticism was the cure for feeling dead inside.  Even though they experienced trauma, they understood that eroticism was the key to feeling alive with vitality, joy and playfulness.

When Do You Turn Yourself Off Erotically?

Dr. Perel distinguishes the questions "when do you turn yourself off?" from the usual question that most people ask themselves or their partner, which is "what turns me off?" or referring to "things you do to turn me off" (referring to a partner).

This is an important distinction.  Instead of looking outside yourself, she says you need look inside yourself to understand your part in whether or not you feel erotic.

    Erotic Turn-Offs: 

• Feeling dead inside
• Having a negative body image
• Not taking time for yourself
• Feeling a lack of confidence
• Feeling you don't have the right to want, take or receive pleasure

    Erotic Turn-Ons:

• Feeling alive, vibrant, imaginative, creative, playful
• Accepting your body
• Taking time for yourself
• Feeling confident 
• Feeling entitled to want, take and receive pleasure

Eroticism Isn't About Sexual Performance

People often think in terms of performative sex when they think of eroticism, but performative sex is the opposite of eroticism (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

If you want a vibrant erotic life, instead of focusing on performance, focus on aliveness, curiosity, mystery, transcendence and especially on developing your imagination so you can be more erotically creative.  

Understanding Eroticism

According to Dr. Perel, eroticism is not something you do.  It's a place where you go inside yourself either alone or with a partner.

When you want to develop your erotic capacity, you allow your imagination to soar, which  includes allowing yourself to have erotic fantasies whether you have any intention of enacting  them or not (see my article:  The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

Understanding Eroticism

My Other Articles About Eroticism

Also see my prior articles about eroticism:

What is Your Erotic Blueprint? Part 1 and Part 2

What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

Finding Your Erotic Voice

What is Erotic Self Esteem?

Keeping an Erotic Journal

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're struggling erotically as an individual or as someone who is in a relationship, you're not alone.  This is a common problem people talk about in sex therapy.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, exams or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for many different reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist can help you to connect to your erotic self so that you can feel alive, vibrant, imaginative and creative.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can feel alive erotically.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Are You Afraid to Show Emotional Vulnerability in Your Relationship Because Your Partner Uses It Against You?

During a recent live talk about emotional vulnerability in relationships by sex and relationship therapist Dr. Esther Perel, who is author of Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic and The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, a participant raised the issue that her partner weaponizes her expression of vulnerability against her.  This is a common issue that comes up in couples therapy and it's the topic of this article (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

Emotional Vulnerability in a Relationship

What is Emotional Vulnerability in a Committed Relationship?

Let's start by defining emotional vulnerability: Being emotionally vulnerable in your relationship means being open and taking the risk to show your most tender emotions to your partner.  Instead of avoiding these emotions or denying them, you let your guard down to acknowledge and express how you feel.  It means putting your heart on the line to be authentic with your partner.

Why is it So Difficult For Some People to Be Emotionally Vulnerable?

Many people learned in their family that being emotionally vulnerable is something to be ashamed of and avoided.  They were discouraged, and maybe even punished, for showing their deepest emotions.  They might have also learned that to reveal their tender emotions was considered an emotional burden to their parents (see my article: Understanding How an Avoidant Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

This is often due to their parents being afraid and ashamed of their own vulnerability.  This is what they learned in their family, and it's often an intergenerational pattern that goes from one generation to the next (see my article: Intergenerational Trauma).

When people grow up in a family where vulnerability is avoided, they don't know how to be open about their tender emotions in their relationships with loved ones.  They avoid it because it feels too raw and frightening. They might not even know what they're feeling because these emotions have been suppressed for so long.  

They don't have the words or the tools to access these emotions.  To an outside observer, it appears as if they don't have emotions.  But, actually, these people, who are often described as emotional "withdrawers" or "stonewallers," have a lot going on internally despite their outer appearance. Their internal experience is often one of fear or even terror, which they learned to hide. They learned that being emotionally vulnerable is dangerous.

Another common reason why people have difficulty expressing vulnerability is that they were hurt in one or more prior relationships when they opened up to their partners.  For many of them, the emotional trauma they experienced in the prior relationship(s) causes them to feel too afraid to take the risk to open up again.  

What to Do If Your Partner Uses Your Emotional Vulnerability as a Weapon Against You?

People who are uncomfortable with their own emotions are often judgmental or even cruel when their loved ones express vulnerability.  They might not even realize that it's their discomfort with their own vulnerable emotions that makes them act out against their partner when they're hurt or angry (see my article: Are You Emotional Needs Being Met in Your Relationship?).

Assuming your partner is unaware of how hurtful it is for you when s/he weaponizes your vulnerability, when you're both calm, you can try telling your partner how you felt when your words were used in this way.  

When your partner is aware of how hurtful it is and s/he does it anyway, this is a different type of problem. It might be that s/he learned to do this by observing his or her parents argue. It was internalized at a deep level so that this is their automatic response.  This isn't an excuse. You and your partner are still responsible for your actions regardless of the reason.  I mention it here so you'll understand why it might be happening.

If this is the case, your partner (or you if you do this) needs to unlearn this response by first becoming comfortable with their own emotions.  This is very difficult to do alone and usually requires either individual or couples therapy (see my article: How Emotionally Focused CouplesTherapy, EFT, Helps Improve Relationships).

If your partner is willing to change, the change might be small and incremental at first. This means, if you want to remain in this relationship, you'll need to be patient and manage your expectations in a realistic way (more about this below).

If part of the problem is that your partner is afraid of his or her own vulnerability, Esther Perel, Ph.D. emphasized that it's important to invite your partner to be vulnerable rather than demand it. You can't demand vulnerability because it doesn't work that way and it's counterproductive for what you want.

Whether or not your partner is willing to get help in either individual or couples therapy, only you can decide whether you're going to stay or leave (see my article: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).  This is also an issue that can be explored in therapy.

Assuming you and your partner want to remain in the relationship, it's helpful for both of you to be aware that there are usually setbacks in the process of therapy.  Your partner might show progress being more vulnerable and being empathetic to your vulnerability, but then s/he might backslide. This doesn't mean that therapy isn't working--it means that setbacks are a normal part of the process (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of the Process in Therapy).

Getting Help in Therapy

Being in love with someone is inherently vulnerable, especially during the early stage of the relationship when you're both unsure as to where things are going. Some people can tolerate this vulnerability, but many people can't.

Although emotional vulnerability can feel risky, working with a skilled psychotherapist in either individual or couples therapy can help you and your partner to open up to each other in a healthy way.

Taking the first step of reaching out to a licensed mental health professional is often the key to having the relationship you want.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

  

Relationships: Whereas Many Women Need Emotional Connection to Connect Sexually, Many Men Need Sex to Connect Emotionally

Although emotional intimacy can be expressed verbally and nonverbally, words are usually privileged over nonverbal expressions these days.  Generally, women are much better at verbal expressions of love and intimacy, whereas men often don't have the verbal skills so they use nonverbal expressions (see Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel, Ph.D and my article: Understanding Men Who Get Their Emotional Needs Met Through Sex).

Men's Nonverbal Expressions of Emotional Intimacy

Conveying Emotional Intimacy in My Great Grandparents' Time vs Today

In my great grandparents' time, marriage was a pragmatic arrangement.  Couples didn't expect to be in love during their courtship or the early stage of marriage.  

Instead, the expectation was that love would develop over time.  Marriages were an economic arrangement where men were expected to work and women bore children and took care of the home.  

Since they weren't necessarily in love, they expressed their caring for one another nonverbally through their activities: She cooked for him, washed his clothes, and took care of the household.  He was the breadwinner that sustained the family financially.  

In those earlier marriages, extended family lived together.  Their lives were more entwined, so rather than seeking emotional intimacy, family members sought privacy.  

In my great grandparents' day, couples tended not to ask each other, "Why don't you ever tell me that you love me?" because their nonverbal expressions were sufficient to convey their feelings of emotional connection.  

Today, except for couples who live with family for economic reasons, couples live on their own in more socially isolated circumstances.  So, they rely on each other for emotional intimacy to overcome feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Couples today rely on words to convey how they feel.  Rather than developing emotional intimacy over time, as in my great grandparents' time, couples today expect emotional intimacy immediately.  

Because of women's greater ability to express themselves in words, they are at an advantage in contemporary times. Also, from an early age, women are raised to be relationship builders, so they're generally better at it as compared to men.

Men Often Need Sex to Connect Emotionally vs Women Who Usually Need Emotional Connection to Connect Sexually

Men often express emotional intimacy and enjoy the pleasure of connection through sex.  This puts them at a disadvantage in a culture that privileges verbal expressions.  They're often unfairly accused of having a "fear of intimacy" if they can't put their emotions into words.

Another potential problem is that, whereas men often need sex to connect emotionally, women usually need emotional connection to have sex.  So, many women believe that their significant other is only interested in sex (rather than emotional connection) because they don't understand how men connect emotionally and men are often unable to explain it.

Learning to Value Nonverbal Expressions of Emotional Intimacy and Connection

I'm certainly not suggesting that couples should go back to the way things were in my great grandparents' day.  No one wants that.  Life was hard back then, and women often felt compelled to remain in marriages because they didn't have the freedom to leave.  

Overall, women have more economic freedom today, so there is no expectation that they remain in a marriage.

But, rather than always valuing verbal expressions, can a couple learn to recognize nonverbal expressions of emotional intimacy and connection?

What about recognizing acts of kindness, gifts, spending time together, and other nonverbal gestures that men are more likely to show?

If couples could learn to value these nonverbal expressions of emotional intimacy, there would be much less conflict in relationships.  

Over time, men can learn to develop the verbal skills to express their love.  It takes practice on their part and patience on the part of their significant other.

Getting Help in Therapy

It's not unusual for couples to have difficulty understanding their partner's way of expressing love.

If you and your partner are having problems, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

  

Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission in Relationships

I have been exploring topics related to sexuality in my recent articles, including What is Good Sex?, Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes, Overcoming Problems With Spontaneous Sexual Arousal vs Context-Dependent Arousal and To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air.  In this article, I'm focusing on destigmatizing sexual fantasies of power and submission in relationships.

Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission in Relationships

Political Beliefs About Egalitarianism vs Erotic Pleasure

The Women's Movement fought hard to reduce gender inequality.  To their credit, the Women's Movement also brought to light the double standard which criticized women for sexual experimentation while applauding men who roamed sexually, including sexist attitudes of "Boys will be boys"and "That's how men are." 

The Women's Movement showed that these gender differences aren't biologically rooted--they're social constructions which needed to change.  

Books like Our Bodies, Ourselves by the Boston Women's Health Book Collective also served to restore a sense of sexual ownership to women--both legally and psychologically.

In her book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic, Dr. Esther Perel posits that, while the contributions of the Women's Movement were undeniably positive, there were also some unintended consequences.  She believes that the emphasis on egalitarianism in sexuality, which purged any expressions of power, aggression, and transgression, is antithetical to erotic desire for both men and women.

According to Dr. Perel, while power and control dynamics are problematic in an emotional relationship, these same dynamics, when eroticized, become sexually pleasurable for many couples.

Sexual Dynamics of Power and Submission Have Become More Common

Whereas in the past sexual power and submission were considered fringe behavior, during recent years, these dynamics have become more common and acceptable among consenting adults behind closed doors.

According to a study published in the March 3, 2016 edition of The Journal of Sex Research, nearly 47% of women and 60% of men have fantasized about dominating someone sexually.  

The same study revealed that almost 47% of adults would like to participate in some form of nontraditional sexual activity, and 33.9% said they were involved in some form of nontraditional sexual activity in the last year.

Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission

At one point, many mental health practitioners considered sexual power and submission practices to be pathological.  

However, in 2013 the American Psychiatric Association (APA)  destigmatized these sexual practices in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM 5).  For the first time, the APA made a distinction between consenting adults who engage in these sexual activities and those who force others to engage in these behaviors without consent.

Rather than pathologizing these sexual dynamics, many therapists understand that a couple's political beliefs about equality in their everyday life might be in sharp contrast to what they find sexually pleasurable during erotic play.

Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission

The following examples are a composite of many different heterosexual couples and have no identifying information:

Sue and Dan

During the day, Sue, who owns her own business, makes many important decisions involving staffing, business strategy and the financial aspects of her business.  She is a strong supporter of women's rights and considers herself a feminist.  However, when she and her spouse, Dan, are having sex, she prefers to allow him to be the dominant one and she takes on the role of the submissive.

Two years before, when they first started seeing one another, Sue felt embarrassed at first to tell Dan that she preferred to be dominated in bed.  However, when she finally summoned the courage to tell him, Dan was excited about it.  

To start, they established a "safe word," which they agreed upon. They agreed that when spoken the safe word ensures that the current act stops immediately.  They also negotiated other agreements in terms of informed consent about all their sexual activities.

Dan, who usually deferred to Sue in their everyday life, liked the idea of being dominant in the bedroom.  This power dynamic in their everyday life didn't change.  Like Sue, he had never played with sexual power dynamics in his previous relationships, so this was all new to him.  But both of them soon discovered that it added excitement to their sex life.

Jan and Ed

Ed was a senior partner at a large law firm.  He often worked long hours. He was under a lot of pressure to bring in new business for his firm.  

He and Jan were married for five years.  Early on in their relationship Jan and Ed experimented with their sexual fantasies of power and submission.  

Since Ed had many responsibilities at work, he enjoyed being submissive during sex with Jan.  Jan, who had a more passive personality in her everyday life and in her relationship with Ed, enjoyed being dominant during sex.  It really turned Ed on to allow Jan to be in control sexually, and it made Jan feel empowered in a way she had never felt before.  

Occasionally, just to be playful and to add something new to their sexual activities, they switched roles and Jan was the submissive sexual partner while Ed was dominant.  They were both adventurous and liked to be playful with new roles and exploring new fantasies.

Conclusion

Whereas sexual fantasies about power and submission were pathologized as being "abnormal" in the past, they are now accepted by most contemporary psychotherapists as being a normal part of sex.

It's normal for there to be a difference between how a person might be in their everyday life in terms of gender egalitarianism and what they find erotically exciting.  

As discussed in the examples above, a person who has a dominant personality in his or her everyday life might fantasize and enjoy being submissive sexually and vice versa. Some couples alternate roles between being submissive and dominant.

Trust and informed consent between consenting adults are crucial to sexual dynamics involving power and submission.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air

In Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic, she focuses on a common problem that many couples, who live together or are married, experience--too much closeness reduces eroticism and has a negative impact on their sex life together (see my article: What's the Difference Between Emotional Intimacy and Sexual Intimacy?)

Relationships: To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air

This isn't true for all couples, but there are many couples where it's difficult for the individuals to relate to each other sexually now that they are "family."  

This dynamic is especially problematic when the couple becomes emotionally "fused" or "enmeshed."  Whereas before they lived together, they could be together as autonomous individuals, when fusion takes place, the sexual polarity is often lost and it's difficult to be sexual.

Relationships: Rekindling Passion: Fire Needs Air

A clinical vignette based on a composite of many different clinical cases will illustrate how this dynamic develops and what a couple can do to overcome this problem:

John and Ann

John and Ann were both in their mid-30s.  They had no children.  When they first met, they had a very passionate sex life.  

John told their couples therapist he remembered the first year of their relationship before they moved in together, "We couldn't wait to see each other, and when we got together, we couldn't keep our hands off each other" (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?

Ann added, "All week long, I felt this build up of excitement to see John.  Then, when we finally got together on the weekends, the sexual sparks would fly.  But now that we've been living together for two years, even though we're closer emotionally, our sex life has dwindled down to once or twice a month.  We're still young and I'm worried about what this means for our relationship.  Neither of us wants to be a sexless couple."

As their couples therapist listened to the changes that occurred in the relationship after Ann and John got together, she realized they had merged together in a way where they were no longer autonomous individuals.  

It was almost as if they had fused into one person:  Ann stopped seeing her friends, and she dropped out of the chorus she used to love to sing in.  John also stopped seeing his friends and he gave up hobbies he used to enjoy.  So, they only spent time with each other.  As a result, except for family, they were dependent on each other for all of their needs.

When the couples therapist pointed this out to them, they both said this happened so gradually they barely noticed it.  

In addition, when their therapist asked them when they felt sexually turned on by each other, Ann said she felt most desirous of John when she attended a conference where he was one of the keynote speakers, "When I saw him up there, I thought to myself, 'He's so handsome and in command of his area of expertise.  But as soon as we were together again at home, the sexual desire evaporated."

John responded, "When we went to my parents' house for the holidays and I sat across from Ann while she told a funny story, I felt so sexually drawn to her in that moment.  But when we got home and she changed into sweat pants and we cuddled on the couch, the sexual excitement I felt for her earlier in the day was gone."

Ann and John noticed the patterns and how their perspectives changed when they could see each other with some distance as compared to when they spent all their time together.  

Their therapist repeated a quote from Esther Perel's "Mating in Captivity," which was "Fire needs air."  In other words, when they were fused together as almost one person, there was no distance (metaphorically speaking: no air) so they experienced no eroticism.

She encouraged Ann and John to reconnect with each of their friends and to reestablish their own individual hobbies and interests so they could live together but also function as individuals.  

At first, they were reluctant to make this change, but as they did and they learned to be two individuals in a relationship, their sexual desire for each other was rekindled and they began to enjoy sex again.

Conclusion

An increase in emotional intimacy doesn't necessarily increase sexual intimacy in many couples.  In fact, for some couples, it reduces sexual desire.  Although this isn't true for all couples, it's a problem for others.  

For these couples, a loss of individual autonomy often leads to emotional fusion and, as a result, sexual desire wanes. 

Regaining a sense of autonomy, as in the example of Ann and John above, often provides enough space (air) to rekindle the fire.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling to resolve your problems on your own, you're not alone.  

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are hindering your progress.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.