What is Eroticism?

The topic of this article is eroticism, which most people reduce to mean only sex, but eroticism is much more than sex. So, let's start by defining eroticism and then explore how eroticism develops.

What is Eroticism?

The word erotic comes from the Greek word, Eros, the Greek god of erotic love and desire.  

Understanding Eroticism

In her 1978 essay, "Uses of the Erotic," the poet, writer and Black lesbian feminist Audre Lorde defined the erotic as a source of knowledge, power and transformation.  She also defined it as a vital life force and a source of deep satisfaction, fulfillment and joy.

Similarly, according to relationship and sex therapist, Dr. Esther Perel, who wrote the book, Mating in Captivity, eroticism is the capacity to maintain aliveness, vitality, curiosity, spontaneity and life energy. 

Dr. Perel describes the difference between animals and humans having sex: When humans have sex, they are capable of eroticism. But when animals have sex, they are following their instinctual urge to procreate.  They don't have the capacity to be erotic.

How to Develop the Capacity For Eroticism

According to Dr. Perel, eroticism is pleasure for its own sake which you can develop through your creative imagination. 

Understanding Eroticism

Using your imagination and creative capacity, you have the ability to anticipate and imagine yourself in an erotic act where you can have multiple orgasms alone or with others.  Unlike animals, you can imagine the act without ever enacting it.

Dr. Perel grew up in a Belgium community of Holocaust survivors, which included her parents who survived the camps. She talks about there being two groups in that community, "those who didn't die" and "those who came back to life."

The people who didn't die, according to Dr. Perel, were those who couldn't experience pleasure because they couldn't trust. Due to their trauma, they were vigilant, anxious, and insecure.  This made it impossible for them to be imaginative and playful, which are necessary ingredients for eroticism.

The people who came back to life understood that eroticism was the cure for feeling dead inside.  Even though they experienced trauma, they understood that eroticism was the key to feeling alive with vitality, joy and playfulness.

When Do You Turn Yourself Off Erotically?

Dr. Perel distinguishes the questions "when do you turn yourself off?" from the usual question that most people ask themselves or their partner, which is "what turns me off?" or referring to "things you do to turn me off" (referring to a partner).

This is an important distinction.  Instead of looking outside yourself, she says you need look inside yourself to understand your part in whether or not you feel erotic.

    Erotic Turn-Offs: 

• Feeling dead inside
• Having a negative body image
• Not taking time for yourself
• Feeling a lack of confidence
• Feeling you don't have the right to want, take or receive pleasure

    Erotic Turn-Ons:

• Feeling alive, vibrant, imaginative, creative, playful
• Accepting your body
• Taking time for yourself
• Feeling confident 
• Feeling entitled to want, take and receive pleasure

Eroticism Isn't About Sexual Performance

People often think in terms of performative sex when they think of eroticism, but performative sex is the opposite of eroticism (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

If you want a vibrant erotic life, instead of focusing on performance, focus on aliveness, curiosity, mystery, transcendence and especially on developing your imagination so you can be more erotically creative.  

Understanding Eroticism

According to Dr. Perel, eroticism is not something you do.  It's a place where you go inside yourself either alone or with a partner.

When you want to develop your erotic capacity, you allow your imagination to soar, which  includes allowing yourself to have erotic fantasies whether you have any intention of enacting  them or not (see my article:  The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

Understanding Eroticism

My Other Articles About Eroticism

Also see my prior articles about eroticism:

What is Your Erotic Blueprint? Part 1 and Part 2

What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

Finding Your Erotic Voice

What is Erotic Self Esteem?

Keeping an Erotic Journal

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're struggling erotically as an individual or as someone who is in a relationship, you're not alone.  This is a common problem people talk about in sex therapy.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, exams or sex during a sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for many different reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist can help you to connect to your erotic self so that you can feel alive, vibrant, imaginative and creative.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can feel alive erotically.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Erotic Experiences - Part 2

In Part 1 of this topic, I described how recalling your peak erotic experiences can help individuals and couples revive their sex life, based on the work of sex therapist, Dr. Jack Morin.  According to Dr. Morin, learning about yourself from your peak erotic experiences can help enhance your sex life (see my articles: Sexual Wellness: Overcoming Boredom in Long Term Relationships and Changing Your Sex Script).

Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Erotic Experiences

As I mentioned in my prior article, Dr. Morin's work is based on Dr. Abraham Maslow's concepts of peak performance and self actualizers.

In this article, I'm providing the clinical vignette (below) to illustrate some of the concepts in Dr. Morin's book, The Erotic Mind.

Clinical Vignette: The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the benefits of focusing on peak sexual experiences:

Bob

Bob, who was in his mid-50s, sought help in therapy because he was concerned that he and his wife weren't having sex.  Over the years, sex dwindled down to a few times a year.  He also indicated that when they were sexual, it wasn't enjoyable for either of them.  Since his wife told him that she felt too uncomfortable to participate in couples therapy, he sought help for himself in individual psychotherapy.

According to Bob, when they got married 25 years ago, they could hardly keep their hands off each other and they enjoyed a passionate sex life.  Then, they had children and their sex life waned.  He had hoped that, once their children were on their own, he and his wife could revive their sex life, but their attempts were disappointing. After medical problems were ruled out, their doctor recommended therapy.  

When asked, Bob said he still felt sexually aroused when he saw an attractive woman and he was tempted a few times to have affairs when he was away at business conferences, but he really didn't want to cheat on his wife.  

Rather than approaching the issue as a problem, his therapist encouraged Bob to think back to peak sexual experiences with his wife from the past when they were both turned on.  Unaccustomed to thinking in this way, at first, Bob had problems remembering any sexual experiences that stood out for him, so he agreed to think about it during the week between therapy sessions.

When Bob returned to see his psychotherapist the following week, he seemed more engaged and enthusiastic than he had the week before.  He said he recalled a memory from 10 years ago: He and his wife were in their pool late at night when they began to spontaneously flirt with each other, which led to sex play and one of their most unexpected passionate sexual experiences they ever had together.

When his therapist asked him what made that sexual experience so exciting, Bob said he thought it was a combination of both of them being relaxed, the spontaneity and novelty of the situation, and the excitement over the possibility of being seen by their neighbors, although he said this wasn't likely.  He said they had never done that before and they both found it thrilling.  He also wondered aloud why they had never done it again.

After Bob recalled that memory, he also recalled other peak sexual experiences with his wife that involved being relaxed, playful and open to novelty.  Although he was excited to recall these memories, he was hesitant to bring them up to his wife because he feared she would laugh at him and then he would feel ashamed (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

Over time, Bob and his therapist worked on his shame, including a family history where sex was taboo, before Bob felt ready to talk to his wife about taking steps to revive their sex life.

He told his therapist that, at first, as usual, his wife got anxious when he brought up the topic of their nearly nonexistent sex life. But when he told her about his memories about when sex was exciting for them, she relaxed and became more enthusiastic.  

In fact, he said, just talking about those peak sexual experiences got them both turned on and they had passionate sex that night. Afterwards, when they were cuddling, they both agreed that they hadn't had such passionate sex in a long time and they both wanted to continue to revive their sex life.

Over time, Bob and his wife became increasingly more open and vulnerable to exploring their sexuality together, and their sex life flourished (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy).

Getting Help in Therapy

There can be many reasons why an individual's or couple's sex life can wane.  

Once medical issues have been ruled out, working with a skilled psychotherapist can be helpful to overcoming the obstacles to a more fulfilling sex life and relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health practitioner.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Erotic Experiences - Part 1

In his book, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment, Dr. Jack Morin says that if you want to explore your most enjoyable turn-ons, you can think back on your most pleasurable and compelling sexual experiences (see my article: What is Good Sex? and Understanding Your Sex Script).

Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Erotic Experiences 

What Are Peak Experiences?

Peak experiences can occur in any part of your life--not just your sex life.  They can include (but are not limited to):

• Transcendent moments of joy
• A sense of wonder, awe or ecstasy
• A highly valued experience due to its intensity, depth of feeling or a sense of profound significance
• A religious or spiritual experience

Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Dr. Morin's concept of sexual peak experiences was influenced by Dr. Abraham Maslow who focused on the "psychology of health" in the 1960s to counterbalance the negativity in psychology at that time.

Dr. Maslow was interested in many different types of peak experiences, including the experience of being enraptured by beautiful music, artwork, nature, dance, and athletics, among other things.  

During those moments of rapture and ecstasy, you are fully in the moment, and many people describe those moments as being life changing.

Dr. Maslow developed his theory of self actualization with a pyramid of the Hierarchy of Needs, which included five needs from lowest to highest:

• Physiological Needs: The needs that keep you alive, including food, air, water, sleep
• Safety Needs: The need to feel secure, stable and unafraid
• Love and Belongingness Needs: The need to belong socially by developing relationships with friends and family
• Esteem Needs: The need to feel self esteem based on achievements and abilities and recognition and respect from others
• Self Actualization Needs: The need to pursue and fulfill your unique potential

According to Dr. Maslow, almost everyone has peak experiences but "self actualizers" have these experiences more often.  

What Characteristics Do Self Actualizers Have That Allow Them to Have More Peak Experiences?

Dr. Maslow posited that self actualizers have certain unique characteristics that enable them to have peak experiences, including:

• A Sense of Independence With Their Own Perspective: They're usually autonomous and they don't necessarily conform to what others believe.  They're open to new experiences, even if others are not, and they develop their own perspective.  Their sense of independence allows them to live in the moment and appreciate what's around them.

• An Enjoyment of Solitude and Privacy: Although they enjoy the company of others, self actualizers value their solitude and privacy.  Solitude and privacy is essential to self discovery and developing their individual potential.

• A Sense of Spontaneity and Openness: Although they can go along with social norms when necessary, they also tend to be open, spontaneous and unconventional. They don't feel confined by rigid social norms.

• A Sense of Humor: They're able to see the humor in situations, which helps them to get through tough times.  They can laugh at themselves, but they don't use humor to ridicule others.

• An Appreciation For the Journey:  Rather than being only focused on their end goal, self actualizers can appreciate the journey along the way.  Rather than seeing the journey as a means to an end, they enjoy the steps along the way (see my article: Are You Able to Celebrate Your Progress Along the Way to Meeting Your Goals?).

Elements of Peak Sexual Experiences

Dr. Morin recommends that you consider those peak moments of high sexual arousal to understand the crucial elements of those experiences and how these elements came together to make a peak sexual experience, including:

• Your partner
• The setting
• A particular twist or surprise in your sexual interaction

According to Dr. Morin, those peak experiences reveal a lot about how your personal eroticism works.

Focusing on Your Peak Sexual Experiences as a Window Into Your Erotic Mind

Dr. Morin provides clinical examples in his book of how his clients learned about what turned them on by focusing on peak erotic experiences (see my article: Sexual Wellness: Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships).

Rather than focusing on their problems, they focused on memories of what sexual experiences turned them on.  They were able to overcome sexual problems by understanding and using these experiences to enhance their sex life.

My Next Article: I'll continue to explore these issues in my next article with a clinical vignette (see my next article: Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Peak Erotic Experiences - Part 2).

Getting Help in Therapy

There can be many reasons why an individual's or couple's sex life can wane.  

Once medical issues have been ruled out, working with a skilled psychotherapist can be helpful to overcoming the obstacles to a more fulfilling sex life.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health practitioner.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.