Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship - Part 2

In my prior article, 5 Tips for Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship - Part 1, I began a discussion about this topic.  In this article, I'll provide a clinical example to illustrate how to these tips work with a couple having these ongoing problems.

Clinical Example: Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in a Relationship

The following vignette, which is a composite of many vignettes, illustrates how a couple can learn to reduce their reactivity and arguments:

Ann and Bill

During their fourth year of marriage, Ann and Bill, who were both in their early 40s, considered getting a divorce because of their frequent arguments.

While they were dating, they hardly argued at all.  However, after they had their second child, the stressors involved with raising two children took a toll on their relationship to the point where they were arguing nearly everyday.  

When Ann suggested that they try couples therapy, Bill was skeptical at first. But he agreed to meet with a couples therapist to try to work things out between them.

Their couples therapist, who was an Emotionally Focused couples therapist, helped them to see the ongoing pattern of their interactions, their attachment styles and how their differences were impacting each other.

Ann learned that she tended to have more of an anxious attachment style with Bill, and Bill learned that he tended to have an avoidant attachment style with Ann.  Although this is a common dynamic in couples, it also creates problems.

Whenever there was a conflict, Ann would want to try to resolve things immediately due to her anxiety, and Bill preferred to withdraw for a few days because of his avoidant dynamic. Bill's avoidance exacerbated Ann's anxiety, and Ann's anxiety made Bill want to avoid the issues even more.  This often lead to a downward spiral between them.

Their EFT couples therapist helped them to each have more empathy for each other.  Ann learned to give Bill more time and space so that he could calm himself before he dealt with the conflict.  Bill learned to appreciate how anxious their arguments made Ann feel, and he also learned to be more specific in terms of how much time he needed, so Ann didn't feel like she was waiting for him indefinitely.

Each of them make an agreement to reduce their emotional reactivity by reducing their stress levels. Ann took up yoga, and Bill learned a breathing exercise.  They both began doing mindfulness meditation to reduce their overall stress, so they could approach each other in a calm way when disagreements arose.

In addition, they learned to be patient and engage in active listening with each other. Instead of being preoccupied with what they were going to say, they gave each other their full attention.

They also learned to ask questions if there was anything they didn't understand rather than jumping to conclusions and reacting based on those conclusions. They also learned to stop invalidating and belittling each other other during their disagreements.

Although they still had occasional disagreements, over time, they stopped having big contentious arguments.  They were each much happier in their relationship, and they decided to remain married.

Conclusion

The five tips for reducing emotional reactivity and arguments are as follows:

• Calm yourself before you react

• Make an agreement with your partner to reduce emotional reactivity.

• Tell your partner that you want to know what s/he needs from you.

• Make an effort to understand what your partner is trying to tell you.

• Don't invalidate or belittle your partner

Getting Help in Therapy

Many couples are unable to work through their issues on their own.  In addition, some couples are having a difficult time due to the stressors involved with the pandemic.

If you and your partner are unable to resolve your problems, you could benefit from seeing a couples therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, if you and your partner are unable to resolve your problems, contact a licensed therapist who provides couples therapy.  

Working with an experienced couples therapist could save your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, EFT couples therapist and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

5 Tips For Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship - Part 1

Everyone has had the experience of getting triggered and overreacting to their partner at one time or another.  But when there's a pattern of emotional reactivity that leads to frequent arguments, these arguments can signal a serious problem that threatens the relationship. 

Each person needs to learn to be less emotionally reactive.  

So, let's explore how you can reduce the emotional reactivity in your relationship (see my article: The Challenge of Keeping Small Arguments From Becoming Big Conflicts in Your Relationship).

Reducing Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship

What is Emotional Reactivity? 
Emotional reactivity is a tendency to have intense emotional reactions. Negative emotional reactions, like snapping at your partner, often occur because you feel triggered by something that was said or you're displacing your anger from another situation onto your partner. For instance, you have a problem with your boss and you come home and snap at your spouse.

What is Emotional Regulation?
Generally, emotional regulation refers to an ability to modulate your emotions to reduce reactivity.  

Reducing Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship

For instance, instead of snapping at your spouse after you had a bad day at work, you take a moment to calm yourself first so that you don't displace your emotional reaction to the situation at work onto your spouse. One way to reduce reactivity so that you can regulate your emotions is through mindfulness.

What is Mindfulness? 
On the most basic level, mindfulness is a state of focusing your awareness on the present moment while accepting your feelings, thoughts and body sensations. It takes practice to achieve a state of mindfulness, especially if you tend to be emotionally reactive (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

5 Tips For Reducing Emotional Reactivity 

• Calm Yourself Before You React: Before you react, take a moment to breathe and calm your mind and your body. While you're calming yourself, use mindfulness techniques to become aware of what you're feeling, thinking and sensing in your body (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Developing a Felt Sense For Your Internal Experience ).

• Make an Agreement with Your Partner: The agreement is that neither of you will be emotionally reactive to the other, and if either of you feels like you're about to lose your temper, you'll take time to get calm. If this means that you take a break from the discussion to be alone for a short period of time, communicate this to your partner. If you're about to lose your temper, do something to calm yourself, like splashing cold water on your face.

• Tell Your Partner that You Want to Know What He or She Needs and Then Listen: Encourage your partner to tell you what s/he feels and what is needed from you. Listen carefully to what your partner is saying rather than focusing on your response (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening).

• Make an Effort to Understand What Your Partner is Trying to Communicate with You: Try to understand what's really being communicated beyond his or her angry tone and words.

• Don't Invalidate Your Partner's Experience When It's Your Turn to Respond: After you have listened to your partner's concerns and it's your turn to speak, don't invalidate or belittle your partner's concerns. Be respectful and, if you don't understand your partner's feelings, ask questions in a nonjudgmental way.

I'll provide a scenario in my next article to illustrate of what I've discussed in this article (see my article: Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship - Part 2.

Getting Help in Couple Therapy
Everyone needs help at some point.

If you've tried to change a reactive communication pattern in your relationship and you're been unable to do it, you and your partner could benefit from working with a couple therapist who can help you to understand and change the dynamics in your relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

In my prior article, How EMDR Works: EMDR and the Brain, I gave an overview of the basics of EMDR, including how emotional trauma affects the brain and how EMDR therapy helps to process trauma.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

In this article, which is a continuation of this topic, I'll give a composite scenario to demonstrate how EMDR therapy works.

I'll delve into some of the aspects of EMDR that are uniquely helpful to healing emotional trauma (for an overview of EMDR, see my article:  What is EMDR?)

As always, this composite is a combination of many different cases to protect confidentiality.

Alice
Alice came to therapy because she knew she was overreacting in her relationship with her boyfriend, Ed.

A day or so after she got angry with him, in hindsight, Alice could see that she had overacted, and she felt ashamed and guilty about it.  She would apologize and tell Ed that she would try not to be so reactive, but then a week or so later, she would find herself overreacting again, and this became an ongoing pattern in their relationship.

Alice loved Ed very much and she knew that Ed loved her.  When she was calm, she knew she could trust him, but when she was in the throes of an overreaction, she forgot all of this and she reacted as if he didn't love her and he wasn't trustworthy.

She would often feel rejected and abandoned by things that he said--only to realize afterwards that she overreacted once again.

This happened to Alice so frequently that she was beginning to feel like she was losing her mind.  After she calmed down, she couldn't understand how she could have felt so sure that he was rejecting and abandoning her when she was upset.

She asked herself:  Why couldn't she remember that he loved her?

Even though Ed was patient, Alice knew that her reactions would erode their relationship after a while. She knew she couldn't keep accusing him of being unloving and then apologize afterwards.  She knew she had to do something.

Having been in talk therapy in the past to deal with a traumatic childhood, Alice felt she needed to try a different type of psychotherapy, so when a friend told her how much EMDR helped her, Alice decided to give it a try.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

As we discussed Alice's family history, it became apparent that she was uprooted quite a bit from infancy to adolescence, due to her single mother's substance abuse problems.

During that time she was moved from her mother's home to her maternal grandmother's home and then to an aunt's house.

Finally, when she was a teenager, she moved back with her mother.  By then, her mother was sober, but her mother was still emotionally neglectful.

As an only child, Alice remembered feeling lonely and unloved.  Even though her grandmother and aunt took care of Alice's basic needs, they remained emotionally distant from her.  Alice would pray to have a loving adult come into her life, but she remained without emotional support.

Emotional Neglect:  The Past Affects the Present

As an adult, during her first therapy, which was talk therapy, Alice learned to make intellectual connections between the childhood emotional neglect and her feelings of being unlovable but, even though she had an intellectual understanding, talk therapy didn't help her to actually overcome these feelings.  So, she experienced herself as carrying around this heavy emotional burden throughout her life.

She usually managed to make only one or two close friends because she had a hard time trusting people.

While in college, even though she wanted to be in a loving romantic relationship, she had an even more difficult time trusting men because she felt too emotionally vulnerable to open up (see my article:  An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting But Dreading Love).

After college, having been in talk therapy, Alice knew that her feelings of being unlovable as an adult were connected to her early childhood neglect, but she didn't know how to change this.

She often wondered if she would ever feel emotionally safe enough to enter into a serious romantic relationship (see my article:  Adults Who Were Emotionally Neglected as Children Often Have a Hard Time Trusting).

When she met Ed, she knew he was one of the kindest, gentlest, loving men she ever met.

At first, they got along well.  But as they continued to see each other and got closer, after several months, Alice began to feel emotionally vulnerable and unsafe.

She knew these feelings weren't related to anything that Ed was doing or not doing, but she couldn't stop herself from seeing even the most innocuous remarks that he made as rejecting and abandoning.

During their last argument before Alice started therapy, Alice exploded when Ed said he had to work late and he couldn't see her.  She accused him of lying, not loving her, abandoning her and not caring about her feelings.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

Afterwards, Alice realized that she had overreacted, and she knew that Ed wasn't lying and that he genuinely cared for her.

As Alice recounted this argument and other similar arguments, she broke down in tears.  She said she was sick and tired of feeling this way, tired of accusing Ed of not loving her, and tired of the arguments that she started with him.  She also feared that she would bring about the very thing that she feared most--that Ed would get tired of her and leave her.

Developing Coping Skills as Part of Resourcing Before EMDR Processing
Since Alice came to do EMDR, I began by helping her to develop better coping skills so she could cope with her feelings both in our therapy sessions as we processed her traumatic background as well as in her everyday life.

We focused on helping her to respond instead of react (see my article:  Responding Instead of Reacting).

This phase of EMDR is called resourcing (for more details about resourcing, see  a prior article that I wrote).

As someone who was emotionally neglected as a child, Alice primarily knew only two maladaptive ways of attempting to cope:  overacting or emotionally shutting down.  She knew intellectually that neither way worked for her, but she didn't know what else to do.

After the resourcing phase of EMDR, we were ready to begin processing her traumatic childhood experiences which were triggering her emotional reactions in her current relationship.

Before we started, I reminded Alice that she was in complete control of the process in terms of stopping or pausing the EMDR processing if she felt too overwhelmed.

This is very important for people who have experienced early childhood trauma where they were overwhelmed, there was no one to soothe them, and they felt helpless to do anything about it.

Bridging Back in EMDR
Then, we used a recent memory of Alice being upset with Ed and used that to go back to her earliest memory of feeling this way as a child.

This concept in EMDR is derived from clinical hypnosis and it's known variously as the affect bridge, the float back technique or bridging (see my article:  Bridging Back to Heal).

How EMDR Works:  Bridging Back to Heal

Sensing her emotions and where she felt these emotions in her body, Alice was able to remember an early memory where she was being uprooted once again from her grandmother's house to her aunt's house and how scared and unloved she felt (see my article:  Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

This earlier memory turned out to be significant in terms of how she got triggered in her current relationship.

EMDR and Imaginal Interweaves
EMDR uses a concept called "imaginal interweaves" to help clients to process emotional trauma.  These imaginal interweaves are used to help clients to feel emotionally supported during the EMDR processing of the trauma memory (see Laurel Parnell's book, Attachment-Focused EMDR).

The goal of EMDR is not to analyze the memories.  After all, many people who come for EMDR therapy have already analyzed their memories in talk therapy and they have intellectual insight.  After talk therapy, what they often don't experience is emotional healing.

This is not to say that talk therapy doesn't work because I continue to do talk therapy.  But there are certain people with early trauma that aren't healed by talk therapy.

So, rather than analyzing the trauma, the goal of EMDR is to process the traumatic memories with some form of bilateral stimulation, BLS (see my prior article for an explanation of BLS) so that the client is no longer affected by the trauma.

To use imaginal interweaves, clients are asked to imagine protective and nurturing people who might have helped them during the trauma.

These protective and nurturing people can be actual people in the client's life who are either from now or back then.   They can also be people from movies, TV programs, books or people from history.

Imaginal interweaves can include anyone and EMDR clients are only limited by their imagination.

They can include an imagined "ideal mother," who is different from their actual mother.

EMDR and Imaginal Interweaves

The idea of using imaginal interweaves is not for the client to believe that anything other than what actually occurred is what happened.  The logical part of the brain knows that, in actuality, there was no one who helped.

But the emotional part of the brain can take in these imaginal interweaves and this is emotionally healing.  This is why imaginal interweaves they're used.  Al Pesso, who developed Psychomotor Therapy, refers to this as new symbolic memories (see my article:  Mind-Body Psychotherapy: Healing With New Symbolic Memories).

The Therapist's Empathic Attunement 
An EMDR therapist needs to know more than how to do EMDR.  She also needs to be exquisitely attuned to what's going on with the client and be able to track the client's emotional experience.

A skilled EMDR therapist needs to be in sync with the client.  This is often referred to as a "right brain to right brain" connection, which means that the therapist's right brain, the area of the brain for empathic attunement, senses what's going on emotionally with the client.

This also presupposes that the client and the EMDR therapist have already developed a good enough working alliance so that the client will allow this (see my articles:  The Creation of the Holding Environment in Psychotherapy and The Therapist's Empathic Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative to the Client).

The EMDR therapist must also be able to repair whatever ruptures might occur in therapy (see my article: Ruptures and Repairs in Therapy).

Whenever Alice became stuck in the EMDR processing, we used an imaginal interweave to help her to get unstuck so that the processing could continue.

Gradually, over time, Alice's level of emotional disturbance about this memory was significantly reduced.

EMDR and Generalizable Effects
At the same time, she was much less reactive in her relationship with Ed, so we could tell that the EMDR processing was have a generalizing effect.

Generalizable effects in EMDR means that the healing effects of EMDR are also carrying over to other memories and current interpersonal interactions.

Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy

Completing EMDR Therapy
By the time that Alice completed EMDR therapy, she was no longer overreacting.  She was also no longer feeling unlovable, rejected or abandoned in her relationship.  She was able to free herself emotionally from her traumatic history so that she could live her life unencumbered by these memories.  She was also able could to develop meaningful friendships.

Getting Help in Therapy:
Reacting negatively to the present based on the past is a common experience for people who have experienced emotional trauma, especially if they experienced early childhood trauma.

If you feel that unresolved trauma is keeping you stuck, rather than spending your life reacting based on your past, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained in a mind-body oriented experiential therapy, like EMDR (see my articles:  Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs) and Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

About Me:
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialities is helping clients to overcome emotional trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Reduce Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship

In my prior psychotherapy blog posts I've discussed codependency in terms of the relationship between the person who has a substance abuse problem and the spouse or partner who does not. This is the classic example of codependency.

Reducing Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship

As I've mentioned in those prior posts, the term codependency originated in the substance abuse field, however, the use of the term codependency has since expanded to include other relationships where there is no alcohol or drug addicted behavior. In this psychotherapy blog post, I would like to discuss the topic of overcoming excessive emotional reactivity to achieve emotional balance. Even if you're not in a codependent relationship, you might benefit from reading this post to learn how to be less emotionally reactive in your relationship.

Codependent Relationships:
Now that we recognize that codependency can exist in any relationship and there need not be alcohol, drugs, gambling or other addictive behavior involved, we have learned to expand our definition of codependency and recognize these dynamics in many different types of relationships. I will confine myself in this post to romantic relationships, but it is understood that codependency can exist in many different types of relationships.

As I've mentioned in my prior psychotherapy blog posts, when I discuss codependency, I'm not talking about relationships where there is normal dependency--like taking care of an elderly parent, a young child or someone who is disabled. I'm specifically addressing relationships where both people are mature and able-bodied, but one or both people are overly dependent on the other person in an unhealthy way.

In codependent relationships, one or both people usually over function for the other person in certain ways, often, in an effort not to deal with their own emotional issues. So that if one person is overly focused on the other person and overcompensating for that person, he has taken the focus off himself and his own issues. Often, what looks like purely altruistic behavior is also a defense to avoid dealing with his or her own problems ("I'm not the one with the problems--it's him"). In prior posts, I've given composite examples of codependent dynamics in relationships, so I won't repeat them here.

Why do People Become Overreactive in Codependent Relationships?
Often, people who are emotionally reactive haven't learned how to control their emotions. So that when things don't go their way or when old problems persist, they often become emotionally overreactive and have a great deal of difficulty maintaining their composure. 

They might lash out by losing their temper, act out by cheating on their partner, get even by overspending or running up a credit card, cry uncontrollably to make their partners feel guilty, make threats, or engage in other dramatic displays of behavior. Aside from the fact that they're having problems managing their emotions, often, this emotional reactivity is meant to control the other person's behavior. And, while it might work in the moment, it's usually ineffective in the long run.

Detaching with Love:
Al-Anon is a 12 Step program for loved ones who are in relationships with people who have alcohol problems or who suffer with other addictive behavior. There is a concept in the Al-Anon literature called "detaching with love." I think this is one of the most misunderstood Al-Anon concepts that often confuses people and it's worth spending a little time defining what this means and how it can be put to good practice in almost any relationship (whether there is addictive behavior involved or not).

The concept of "detaching with love" addresses the emotional reactivity that is often involved in many relationships. I think this idea is often misunderstood because people who are highly reactive often feel that it means that they have to be cold, cruel, hard or they don't care about their partners. They might also feel that if they "detach with love," it means that they're not allowed to feel their feelings. However, this is a big misconception.

When we talk about "detaching with love,"we're really talking about still caring and loving your partner, but maintaining your emotional equilibrium when there's a problem between the two of you. It means that when there's an argument or tension in the relationship, you're able to step back, take the time to calm down (and, possibly, take a break, if needed) before reacting emotionally. It doesn't mean that you don't feel your feelings or that you're not entitled to your feelings. Rather, it means that you stop, calm yourself and think before you react emotionally.

Why is it Important to Overcome Emotional Reactivity?
Often, when people feel angry with their partners, their first instinct is to lash out in anger, especially if it involves an ongoing problem, whether we're talking about addictive behavior, jealousy or other problems. However, even if you get a sense of immediate gratification from lashing out emotionally, it quickly dissipates because your behavior usually makes the situation worse.

When you react emotionally, without stopping to think and calm yourself first, you say or do the first thing that comes to your mind. This is an impulsive gesture, which often leads to regret. Often, as soon do you say or do whatever has come to your mind, you feel badly about it. But, by then, the words are out and they cannot be taken back. That often leads the argument or problem to be taken into other unintended directions. At the very least, it doesn't solve the problem. Worse still, being overly reactive usually becomes habitual, which means the more you do it, the more likely you are to continue to do it.

Recognizing the Physical and Emotional Cues as a First Step to Becoming Less Reactive and to Develop Emotional Equilibrium
If you've grown up in a family where there was a high degree of emotional reactivity, being highly reactive might seem normal to you. But you have only to look at the results that it produces in your relationship (and the history in your family) and how you feel afterwards to realize that being highly reactive is not serving you or your relationship well.

Learning to develop emotional equilibrium takes time, practice and a good deal of patience, but it's worth the effort. The first step is to become aware of the feelings and physical cues within yourself that proceed your emotional reactivity. For some people, this might include certain physical reactions like clenched fists, tension in your stomach or other parts of the body, a strong feeling of energy surging through your body, feeling flushed, hands trembling, feeling lightheaded, feeling like you're going to explode, and other similar reactions. You might also notice your thoughts going in a certain volatile direction ("I hate him," "She's so stupid," "Why is he doing this to me?" etc).

When I discuss this with clients in my psychotherapy practice in NYC during the early stage of therapy, many clients will often tell me that there are no prior warnings or cues for them that they're about to lose their temper or overreact emotionally. However, I usually respond to them by saying that that there are, in fact, warning signals--they just haven't learned to recognize them yet. We know this because we recognize that there is a connection between the mind and the body, meaning that your thoughts and physical sensations are connected. Learning to recognize the warning signals or cues to emotional reactivity requires that you slow down. You might be justified in feeling angry or upset, but your anger doesn't entitle you to lose your temper or say or do things that you'll regret later.

Stress Management:
In order to learn to slow down, you need to find other ways to reduce your stress. Everyone is different, so each person must find his or her own way to handle stress, whether that means learning to meditate, taking a yoga class, going for regular walks, remembering to breath deeply, counting to 10, playing with your pet, talking to close friends, praying, attending an Al-Anon meeting, or whatever other healthy activity you decide to do to reduce your stress and level of frustration. If you're managing your daily stress so that it doesn't build up and spill over, you're less likely to lose your temper or overreact emotionally.

Once you're engaging in healthy stress management activities, you can learn to slow yourself down so that you begin to see and feel the cues that precede an overreaction. Once you recognize those cues, then you can make a deliberate choice as to how you want to handle the situation instead of being at the mercy of your emotions.

Learning to Separate Your Feelings about Your Partner's Behavior from How You Feel About Your Partner:
Once you've calmed down enough to gain some perspective, you might recognize that you still love your spouse or partner, but you don't like his or her behavior. That's an important distinction. Not liking his or her behavior is different from not liking your partner.

Ultimately, you might decide that the relationship isn't working and you might leave. However, you will have gone through the decision making process in a more emotionally balanced way rather than reacting impulsively. Breakups that occur on an impulse often bring the people back to Square One. They often feel that there was something important missing when they broke up, that they made the decision without thinking, and then they reconcile. But, often, nothing changes in the relationship. So, they are left with the same problem that they started with, and the cycle continues: anger, breakup, reconciliation, anger, and so on.

When you "detach with love" from your partner, you are stepping back emotionally to take a breath, calm yourself, and get some perspective on the situation. You're also taking care of yourself during this time because you recognize that becoming emotionally overwrought on a regular basis has physical and emotional consequences for you, your partner and also your children, if there are children involved.

Learning to be Less Emotionally Reactive Can be Difficult:
Learning to be less reactive and develop emotional equilibrium can be very challenging. Even after you've begun to make progress in developing more emotional balance in your life, it's not unusual for there to be lapses into old behavior. 

If being emotionally reactive has been a lifelong pattern, it's understandable that you might have some lapses in the process. (Of course, when I talk about lapses that are understandable, I'm not referring to domestic violence. If your anger leads to physical violence, you need immediate help to deal with your problems with anger management and, in the meantime, that might mean that you and your partner separate so that you're both safe.)

If you recognize that you've reverted to old behavior, rather than giving up, be compassionate with yourself and recommit to maintaining emotional balance. When you think about it, you might realize that you've stopped doing the things that helped you to stay emotionally balanced in the first place. It's easy to become complacent, especially after you've had a certain amount of success. So, re-establish the routines or healthy behaviors that helped you and begin again.

What to Do if You're Unable to Reduce Your Emotional Reactivity
If you've tried the suggestions that I've outlined above (including attending Al-Anon if you are in a relationship with an person addicted to alcohol or drugs) and you find that you're still unable to achieve emotional equilibrium, you might benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who has expertise with codependent relationships.

About Me
I am a psychotherapist in NYC who has helped many individuals and couples to become less emotionally reactive so that they can develop emotional balance in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.