Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

In a prior article, Is Your Boyfriend Stuck in a Codependent Relationship With His Ex?, I explored this dynamic from the perspective of someone who is in a current relationship with someone who is still codependent with his ex.

I've also written other articles about codependency (see my articles: Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First, How to Stop Being the "Rescuer" in Your Family of Origin and Exploring Secondary Gains of Codependency).  In this article, I'm looking at the same issue from the perspective of the person who is stuck in a codependent relationship with his or her ex. 

Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

We all know that breakups are hard, especially at the beginning.  They're even harder when codependency is involved.  Codependency can be emotional, financial, sexual or any other form of dependency that two people can get into together.

When two people have been codependent upon one another, it's especially difficult to end the relationships because neither person has learned to be independent.

This is often the result of childhood emotional neglect or abuse where emotional needs weren't met (see my article: Understanding Your Emotional Needs).

This dynamic can also be the result of growing up in an enmeshed family that fostered codependent relationships (see my article:  Enmeshed Families and Shame).

For the person who is doing the "rescuing," s/he often believes that the ex can't survive alone.  Except in the most dire circumstances, this is usually not the case.  But it's a way for the "rescuer" to delude him or herself into thinking that s/he must remain involved, even if it's not a romantic involvement.

One of the problems with this is that the "rescuer" is so focused on the ex's needs that s/he doesn't look at his or her own needs to continue to be involved.  The "rescuer" looks like the "strong one," but s/he is just as dependent as the ex, if not more so.

Continuing to "rescue" the ex doesn't allow the "rescuer" to grow as an individual or to develop a new relationship.  And even if s/he does manage to get involved in a new relationship, the codependent dynamics with the ex can interfere with the new relationship.

This sets the stage for triangulation between the "rescuer," the new partner and the ex with all the problems engendered in that dynamic.

Often, this is a way of the "rescuer" from being fully committed in the new relationship.  Most of the time this isn't a conscious choice.  It's usually unconscious.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario and see how these dynamics play out:

Bill, Meg and Ellen:
After being in a tumultuous relationship with Meg for over three years, Bill ended the relationship with much difficulty.

Bill was exhausted from trying to help Meg through constant emotional crises, and he knew he couldn't remain in the relationship anymore.

Initially, when they met, Bill thought Meg was an intelligent, charming woman who "had it all together."  He admired her passion for her business and how knowledgeable she seemed about the industry.

But within a few months of their dating, Meg called late one night in tears to tell him that she was heavily in debt and unable to meet her basic personal or business expenses. She was crying hysterically and she didn't know what to do.

Bill was completely taken off guard because this was the first time that Meg had revealed that she was in trouble.  Before this, she had led him to believe that she was doing very well.  But in this phone call she told him that she was too ashamed to tell him, at first, that she was in trouble and it was now to the point where she might be evicted from her home and her office.

Bill helped Meg go through her bills, and he agreed to lend Meg the money to get on her feet, and Meg gratefully accepted his loan.

Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

Little did Bill know that this was the beginning of a slippery slope where Meg was in constant crisis and Bill was her "rescuer."

During the next three years, it was one thing after another:

• Meg was having problems with the IRS because she didn't file her income tax, so Bill paid for a tax accountant to bail her out.
• Meg had an argument with her mother, who had lent Meg money and now wanted it back, so Bill intervened as a mediator and paid Meg's mother back.
• Meg's top salesperson walked out on Meg because she felt that Meg was verbally abusive, so Bill intervened to smooth things over.
• Meg couldn't sleep at night, so she would call Bill at all hours of the night and he would calm her down.
• Meg went to the ER numerous times with chest pains and each time the doctors told her that it was anxiety and she should see a therapist, but she refused to get help in therapy and insisted each time that Bill accompany her, which he felt obligated to do it.

By the third year, Bill was emotionally and physically exhausted from all the chaos.  He knew that he was in an unhealthy relationship with Meg.  He pleaded with her to see a therapist, but she refused. She felt that all she needed was Bill.

He thought long and hard about breaking up with Meg, but he didn't know how she would get along without him.  Finally, he started therapy because he felt conflicted about whether to stay or leave the relationship.

Even though Bill wanted to focus on Meg, his therapist helped Bill to keep the focus on himself and his own need to be in this relationship.

At first, he was very uncomfortable looking at his own dynamics in the relationship.  He had been taught as a child that it was "selfish" to think about yourself first and that others should always come first.

Bill's therapist helped him to develop the internal resources before going deeper into his own personal history and how it affected him in his current relationship (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills in Therapy).

When his therapist thought he was ready, she used a technique in clinical hypnosis called the Affect Bridge to help Bill make an emotional and physical connection to the current situation and his childhood history.

His therapist wasn't surprised when Bill discovered that he had a similar relationship with Meg as he did with his mother.

From a young age, Bill became a "parentified child" as his mother got into one crisis after another and Bill tried to help his mother overcome her problems.  It was as if he was the parent and she was the child.

It became very clear to Bill that he couldn't continue in his relationship with Meg, especially since she refused to get help, because it was affecting him physically and emotionally and it was a repetition of a childhood trauma.  So, he and his therapist talked about how he would end the relationship with Meg.

It took a few more months before Bill could summon the courage to tell Meg that he wanted to end the relationship, but when he did, Meg became enraged.  She was no longer the charming, loving girlfriend.  She became angry and vindictive.  She threatened to call his boss and tell him lies to get Bill fired.  She left voicemail messages on Bill's cellphone with all kinds of other threats.

Bill was shocked to see this other side of Meg, and he kept his distance.  But he also felt very guilty and wondered how Meg would get along without him.

In the meantime, he continued to see his therapist and worked on maintaining his resolve not to call Meg.

A few months later, Meg stopped calling Bill.  He was still worried about her, and he felt guilty, but he didn't call her.  Soon after that, he met another woman, Ellen, whom he really liked and began dating.

His relationship with Ellen was warming, loving and harmonious.  It had none of the emotional drama that was involved in his relationship with Meg (see my article: Hooked on Emotional Drama: Getting Off the Roller Coaster).

Even though he had not spoken with Meg in several months, Bill still wondered how she was doing.  Since Meg was no longer calling him and threatening, he thought it wouldn't be a problem to call her briefly to find out how she was doing.

His therapist was away, so he couldn't discuss it with her, so he decided to give Meg a friendly call.  But as soon as he got Meg on the phone, she began yelling and threatening him again.

Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

He told her that he had only called to find out how she was doing, but he was going to hang up because she was becoming abusive.

Then, Meg broke down in tears and told Bill that she was sorry for everything, that she was miserable without him, she was lonely and she had no one to turn to.

A few weeks later when Bill talked about this phone call in his next therapy session, he told his therapist how he felt himself irresistibly pulled in again, and he began to meet Meg for coffee to listen to her problems without telling Ellen.

But Ellen soon found out and she ended their relationship because he kept his visits with Meg a secret from her.  Bill pleaded with Ellen to take him back but, inwardly, he felt caught between his Ellen and Meg.  He knew that he loved Ellen and his relationship with her was a healthier relationship, but he also felt compelled to continue to help Meg.

Bill's therapist helped him to see his own codependent emotional needs at the point when he called Meg again, and he took responsibility for recreating this problem in his life.  He wanted to be with Ellen, but he just didn't know how he could "abandon" Meg (see my article: Why Understanding Your Problems Isn't Enough to Change Them).

After working on this issue for several months and working through the original childhood trauma with EMDR Therapy, Bill felt ready to let go of his role as Meg's "rescuer" (see my article: What is Adjunctive EMDR Therapy?)

Deep down, he also knew that by continuing to bail her out of situations, he was enabling Meg to continue to get into one crisis after another and she would never take responsibility for her life.

After a few weeks, Meg's desperate calls stopped and Bill breathed a sigh of relief.  For the first time, he felt that, even though he felt compassionate towards Meg, he wasn't responsible for her and she would have to work out her own problems without him.

When he recontacted Ellen and told her about the work he did in therapy, she agreed to meet with him so they could talk.  After meeting a few times to talk, they started dating again and resumed their relationship.

Conclusion
The fictionalized scenario about Bill, Meg and Ellen demonstrates that the roots of codependent relationships are usually found in early childhood relationships.

This is often what makes these relationships so compelling--not only are you experiencing the emotions related to the current situation but, on an unconscious level, you're also experiencing old childhood wounds.

The combination of the conscious emotions and the older unconscious emotions can be very powerful.

This is why it's so important to work through the earlier childhood trauma--otherwise, you can get out of one codependent relationship and go right into another one without even realizing it.

It's not always obvious from the start of a relationship that it will turn into a codependent relationship.  Often, people put their best foot forward at the beginning and only later reveal their need to be "rescued."  And often you don't feel the need to "rescue"at the beginning of the relationship, but it can develop with time.

The most important step you can take, if you find yourself in a codependent relationship, is to put the focus back on yourself and recognize how you're being affected by the relationship (see my article: Losing Yourself in a Relationship).

While it might seem that your partner (or your ex) is the "needy one," this is an illusion.  The person who is doing the "rescuing" has an emotional need to be in this dynamic just as much as the person who is living a crisis-oriented, chaotic life.

These relationships are often hard to let go of by yourself because the emotions can be so overpowering.

Even when you have managed to end a codependent relationship and you're in a healthier relationship, it's not unusual to feel compelled to go back to the former relationship or get involved with "rescuing" again.

Getting Help in Therapy
Getting help from a licensed mental health professional, who has experience with helping people in codependent relationships, can make all the difference between remaining in an unhealthy relationship which is draining you emotionally and physically and living a healthier, happier life.

Getting Help in Therapy

Take the first step to get help by setting up a therapy consultation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people overcome codependent dynamics.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Exploring the Secondary Gains of Codependency

In prior posts to this psychotherapy blog, I've defined and explored codependency from the vantage point of relationships where there is substance abuse in the family as well as in other codependent relationships (see the link to one of those earlier articles at the end of this article). In this article, I would like to explore the secondary gains of codependency in relationships.

Exploring the Secondary Gains of Codependency

 What do we mean by "secondary gains" in codependent relationships?
When we talk about the secondary gains in codependent relationships, we're usually referring to the hidden benefits that are derived from engaging in codependent behavior. The reason I described them as "hidden" is because these behaviors are often unconscious and are often not seen for what they are by the people involved in codependent relationships.

However, at times, some people are aware of it, just below the surface of their awareness. And, even though they might be complaining about another person's dependence on them or how dependent they are on someone else, both people involved are usually getting something out of maintaining the codependency--even when they don't realize it. These so-called secondary gains might not be psychologically healthy, but often both people involved want to maintain the status quo on some level.

A composite vignette, which represents a combination of many psychotherapy clients with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, might help to illustrate the secondary gains involved with maintaining codependency:

Edward:
When Edward started psychotherapy, he talked about feeling exhausted by all of the demands that he felt people in his life placed on him--his adult son, other relatives, coworkers, his boss at work, and even his ex-wife. He talked about wishing that he could get away from everyone and everything so that he could just rest. He felt physically and emotionally depleted.

We started Edward's psychotherapy sessions by exploring his relationship with his adult son, Tom, an unemployed 25 year old man who lived at home with Edward. According to Edward, Tom was an honor student in college. 

Everyone thought that Tom showed a lot of promise and they expected that Tom would be successful in whatever career that he decided to pursue. However, after Tom graduated from college, he never pursued any work. Instead, he moved back in with Edward and he spent most days playing video games and watching TV. Tom's girlfriend got tired of waiting for him to make a life for himself, so she broke up with him. Since that time, Tom dated a few women, but he was not focused on relationships.

Edward expressed his sadness, worry and disappointment to me that Tom was just "loafing around the house" instead of "trying to do something with his life." However, as we continued to explore the dynamics in Edward's relationship with his son, Tom, another picture began to emerge next to Edward's account of his concern and disappointment. As this other picture emerged, it became apparent that Edward relied on Tom for his emotional needs and vice versa.

After his divorce, which occurred while Tom was in college, Edward stopped seeing friends, he didn't date, his social life just stopped. His life consisted of going to work and coming home and doing more work. He held a position as a senior vice president of a large company, and he worked long days. Most of his social contact was with clients that he entertained during the week. He also spent weekends immersed in his work. By most people's standards, Edward was a workaholic.

As we continued to discuss Edward's relationship with his son, Tom, we explored how, over time, Edward began to depend on Tom emotionally to fulfill his social needs: After the divorce, Edward began to visit Tom at college a couple of weekends out of the month. He considered Tom to be his "buddy" and expected Tom to forgo other social events at his college when Edward came to visit him.

When Tom was in his senior year, Edward told him that there would be "plenty of time" to look for a job and, anyway, Edward earned a lot of money, so he could support Tom until he found the "right job." Throughout college, Edward paid for Tom's tuition, an expensive apartment off campus, and he gave him generous amounts of money every month so Tom never had to work or be concerned about money.

Over time, as we traced back the development of Edward's relationship with his son, this other hidden picture began to emerge along side of Edward's concern for Tom's idleness. It wasn't that Edward was not concerned about his son. Rather, both pictures were true: Edward loved his son very much, he wanted him to be a success and, without realizing it, he also wanted to have a mutually dependent relationship with his son.

Initially, Edward had some difficulty with seeing both sides of this picture. If we had a split screen movie available to us and we could project on it the two sides of Edward's feelings and his actions, this is what we would see: On one side, Edward was the encouraging father telling Tom that it was important for him to do his best and go out to make a life for himself. On the other side, the side that Edward was not aware of, Edward was the father who tended to make life too easy for Tom so that Tom never had to venture out on his own. If we looked closer at that side of the split screen, we would also see that Tom was deriving secondary gains to keeping Tom dependent upon him because, underneath it all, Edward felt lonely and he was emotionally dependent on his son.

As we explored both sides of this so-called split screen image of Edward's relationship with his son, Edward was only able to see one side--the side where he encouraged Tom to go out into the world and make his own way. He would often say in those early psychotherapy sessions with me, "But I tell Tom to go out and get a job all the time. I want him to have his own life." 

While it was certainly true that Edward did tell Tom these things and even made efforts through his many business contacts to get Tom a job, Edward also behaved in ways to keep Tom dependent on him: He continued to be very generous with money, he never had any expectations of Tom doing anything around the house, and so on. So, it was a picture filled with ambiguity as Edward gave mixed messages to Tom.

Denial is a common reaction in codependent relationships. None of us like to think of ourselves as holding back another person for our own emotional needs, especially people that we love. So, Edward's denial was no different than many other people in similar situations. However, gradually, over time, as Edward learned to become more psychologically-minded and developed more emotional insight into his relationship with his son, he began to see how he had created a codependent relationship with Tom.

It took a while before Edward could tolerate the feelings that this engendered in him so that he could let go of his denial and look at both sides of the picture. However, once his denial began subsiding, he also started to see how he also created codependent relationships with the other people. He began to realize that he couldn't fulfill his emotional needs by controlling his son with money and attention. He also realized that, often, his behavior was not consistent with his words.

There was no quick fix for Edward in his psychotherapy sessions. Over time, he began to change his behavior so that, even when he felt the urge to keep Tom dependent upon him, he learned not to give into it. He worked hard in psychotherapy to find fulfillment in his own life outside of his relationship with his son and in his work. Gradually, he began to socialize more, develop new interests, develop new friendships, and he even began dating. He started delegating more of his work to his subordinates and not taking work home.

Even though he was going out more, he had new found energy. He was no longer exhausted and emotionally depleted. Also, as his message and his behavior became more consistent with Tom, Tom learned, gradually, to become more independent. He started working at a job where there was potential for moving up in the company. He also began forming healthy relationships with other men and women his age, so he was not as emotionally and financially dependent on Edward any more.

Over time, Edward also learned to change the codependent dynamics in his other relationships. By the way, not everyone in Edward's life was happy about this change because they had come to rely on this dynamic as well. However, Edward learned to focus more on himself and not on trying to please and control others. Over time, these other people had to accept it if they wanted to remain in Edward's life.

Most of the time, progress in psychotherapy is not linear--like a straight arrow that keeps going upward. Usually, when people start making progress, their progress is more like a spiral--a few steps forward and one or two steps backwards. 

It takes time to change ingrained ways of thinking and behaving. The roots of codependency often go deep in a person's history and those issues must be overcome as well. It was no different for Edward and other clients. But, on the whole, when he left psychotherapy, Edward had learned a lot, on an intellectual as well as on an emotional level, about codependency and watching for the pitfalls of the secondary gains associated with codependency.

Getting Help in Therapy
The secondary gains of codependency and other behaviors are often difficult to see when you're in the middle of a codependent relationship. 

It requires an ability to look at the whole picture and not just one side. Overcoming denial can be a challenge, but it also often leads to emotional breakthroughs.

If you think you might be engaging in codependent behavior, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who has expertise in codependent relationships.

About Me
I am a psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist in New York City. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Reduce Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship

In my prior psychotherapy blog posts I've discussed codependency in terms of the relationship between the person who has a substance abuse problem and the spouse or partner who does not. This is the classic example of codependency.

Reducing Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship

As I've mentioned in those prior posts, the term codependency originated in the substance abuse field, however, the use of the term codependency has since expanded to include other relationships where there is no alcohol or drug addicted behavior. In this psychotherapy blog post, I would like to discuss the topic of overcoming excessive emotional reactivity to achieve emotional balance. Even if you're not in a codependent relationship, you might benefit from reading this post to learn how to be less emotionally reactive in your relationship.

Codependent Relationships:
Now that we recognize that codependency can exist in any relationship and there need not be alcohol, drugs, gambling or other addictive behavior involved, we have learned to expand our definition of codependency and recognize these dynamics in many different types of relationships. I will confine myself in this post to romantic relationships, but it is understood that codependency can exist in many different types of relationships.

As I've mentioned in my prior psychotherapy blog posts, when I discuss codependency, I'm not talking about relationships where there is normal dependency--like taking care of an elderly parent, a young child or someone who is disabled. I'm specifically addressing relationships where both people are mature and able-bodied, but one or both people are overly dependent on the other person in an unhealthy way.

In codependent relationships, one or both people usually over function for the other person in certain ways, often, in an effort not to deal with their own emotional issues. So that if one person is overly focused on the other person and overcompensating for that person, he has taken the focus off himself and his own issues. Often, what looks like purely altruistic behavior is also a defense to avoid dealing with his or her own problems ("I'm not the one with the problems--it's him"). In prior posts, I've given composite examples of codependent dynamics in relationships, so I won't repeat them here.

Why do People Become Overreactive in Codependent Relationships?
Often, people who are emotionally reactive haven't learned how to control their emotions. So that when things don't go their way or when old problems persist, they often become emotionally overreactive and have a great deal of difficulty maintaining their composure. 

They might lash out by losing their temper, act out by cheating on their partner, get even by overspending or running up a credit card, cry uncontrollably to make their partners feel guilty, make threats, or engage in other dramatic displays of behavior. Aside from the fact that they're having problems managing their emotions, often, this emotional reactivity is meant to control the other person's behavior. And, while it might work in the moment, it's usually ineffective in the long run.

Detaching with Love:
Al-Anon is a 12 Step program for loved ones who are in relationships with people who have alcohol problems or who suffer with other addictive behavior. There is a concept in the Al-Anon literature called "detaching with love." I think this is one of the most misunderstood Al-Anon concepts that often confuses people and it's worth spending a little time defining what this means and how it can be put to good practice in almost any relationship (whether there is addictive behavior involved or not).

The concept of "detaching with love" addresses the emotional reactivity that is often involved in many relationships. I think this idea is often misunderstood because people who are highly reactive often feel that it means that they have to be cold, cruel, hard or they don't care about their partners. They might also feel that if they "detach with love," it means that they're not allowed to feel their feelings. However, this is a big misconception.

When we talk about "detaching with love,"we're really talking about still caring and loving your partner, but maintaining your emotional equilibrium when there's a problem between the two of you. It means that when there's an argument or tension in the relationship, you're able to step back, take the time to calm down (and, possibly, take a break, if needed) before reacting emotionally. It doesn't mean that you don't feel your feelings or that you're not entitled to your feelings. Rather, it means that you stop, calm yourself and think before you react emotionally.

Why is it Important to Overcome Emotional Reactivity?
Often, when people feel angry with their partners, their first instinct is to lash out in anger, especially if it involves an ongoing problem, whether we're talking about addictive behavior, jealousy or other problems. However, even if you get a sense of immediate gratification from lashing out emotionally, it quickly dissipates because your behavior usually makes the situation worse.

When you react emotionally, without stopping to think and calm yourself first, you say or do the first thing that comes to your mind. This is an impulsive gesture, which often leads to regret. Often, as soon do you say or do whatever has come to your mind, you feel badly about it. But, by then, the words are out and they cannot be taken back. That often leads the argument or problem to be taken into other unintended directions. At the very least, it doesn't solve the problem. Worse still, being overly reactive usually becomes habitual, which means the more you do it, the more likely you are to continue to do it.

Recognizing the Physical and Emotional Cues as a First Step to Becoming Less Reactive and to Develop Emotional Equilibrium
If you've grown up in a family where there was a high degree of emotional reactivity, being highly reactive might seem normal to you. But you have only to look at the results that it produces in your relationship (and the history in your family) and how you feel afterwards to realize that being highly reactive is not serving you or your relationship well.

Learning to develop emotional equilibrium takes time, practice and a good deal of patience, but it's worth the effort. The first step is to become aware of the feelings and physical cues within yourself that proceed your emotional reactivity. For some people, this might include certain physical reactions like clenched fists, tension in your stomach or other parts of the body, a strong feeling of energy surging through your body, feeling flushed, hands trembling, feeling lightheaded, feeling like you're going to explode, and other similar reactions. You might also notice your thoughts going in a certain volatile direction ("I hate him," "She's so stupid," "Why is he doing this to me?" etc).

When I discuss this with clients in my psychotherapy practice in NYC during the early stage of therapy, many clients will often tell me that there are no prior warnings or cues for them that they're about to lose their temper or overreact emotionally. However, I usually respond to them by saying that that there are, in fact, warning signals--they just haven't learned to recognize them yet. We know this because we recognize that there is a connection between the mind and the body, meaning that your thoughts and physical sensations are connected. Learning to recognize the warning signals or cues to emotional reactivity requires that you slow down. You might be justified in feeling angry or upset, but your anger doesn't entitle you to lose your temper or say or do things that you'll regret later.

Stress Management:
In order to learn to slow down, you need to find other ways to reduce your stress. Everyone is different, so each person must find his or her own way to handle stress, whether that means learning to meditate, taking a yoga class, going for regular walks, remembering to breath deeply, counting to 10, playing with your pet, talking to close friends, praying, attending an Al-Anon meeting, or whatever other healthy activity you decide to do to reduce your stress and level of frustration. If you're managing your daily stress so that it doesn't build up and spill over, you're less likely to lose your temper or overreact emotionally.

Once you're engaging in healthy stress management activities, you can learn to slow yourself down so that you begin to see and feel the cues that precede an overreaction. Once you recognize those cues, then you can make a deliberate choice as to how you want to handle the situation instead of being at the mercy of your emotions.

Learning to Separate Your Feelings about Your Partner's Behavior from How You Feel About Your Partner:
Once you've calmed down enough to gain some perspective, you might recognize that you still love your spouse or partner, but you don't like his or her behavior. That's an important distinction. Not liking his or her behavior is different from not liking your partner.

Ultimately, you might decide that the relationship isn't working and you might leave. However, you will have gone through the decision making process in a more emotionally balanced way rather than reacting impulsively. Breakups that occur on an impulse often bring the people back to Square One. They often feel that there was something important missing when they broke up, that they made the decision without thinking, and then they reconcile. But, often, nothing changes in the relationship. So, they are left with the same problem that they started with, and the cycle continues: anger, breakup, reconciliation, anger, and so on.

When you "detach with love" from your partner, you are stepping back emotionally to take a breath, calm yourself, and get some perspective on the situation. You're also taking care of yourself during this time because you recognize that becoming emotionally overwrought on a regular basis has physical and emotional consequences for you, your partner and also your children, if there are children involved.

Learning to be Less Emotionally Reactive Can be Difficult:
Learning to be less reactive and develop emotional equilibrium can be very challenging. Even after you've begun to make progress in developing more emotional balance in your life, it's not unusual for there to be lapses into old behavior. 

If being emotionally reactive has been a lifelong pattern, it's understandable that you might have some lapses in the process. (Of course, when I talk about lapses that are understandable, I'm not referring to domestic violence. If your anger leads to physical violence, you need immediate help to deal with your problems with anger management and, in the meantime, that might mean that you and your partner separate so that you're both safe.)

If you recognize that you've reverted to old behavior, rather than giving up, be compassionate with yourself and recommit to maintaining emotional balance. When you think about it, you might realize that you've stopped doing the things that helped you to stay emotionally balanced in the first place. It's easy to become complacent, especially after you've had a certain amount of success. So, re-establish the routines or healthy behaviors that helped you and begin again.

What to Do if You're Unable to Reduce Your Emotional Reactivity
If you've tried the suggestions that I've outlined above (including attending Al-Anon if you are in a relationship with an person addicted to alcohol or drugs) and you find that you're still unable to achieve emotional equilibrium, you might benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who has expertise with codependent relationships.

About Me
I am a psychotherapist in NYC who has helped many individuals and couples to become less emotionally reactive so that they can develop emotional balance in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.