How to Stop Trying to Fix People and Focus on Yourself

A common problem I see in my psychotherapy private practice is clients who are trying hard to fix people instead of focusing on themselves (see my articles: Learn to Accept You Can't Control Your Loved Ones and Overcoming Codependency).

This might involve cheating, gambling, drinking, overspending and so on.

Focus on Yourself and Stop Trying to Fix People

There's no doubt these clients are really suffering and they want what's best for their loved ones, but their attempts to fix them often backfires for reasons I'll discuss in this article.

My Early Experiences as a Psychotherapist in Training in the Mid-1990s

First, I would like to focus on an important lesson I had to learn as a new therapist many years ago.

When I started training to be a psychotherapist in the mid-1990s, I had to learn an important lesson early on from my supervisor who understood I was empathetic towards my clients at the clinic, but who knew I was trying to fix them when that wasn't my role as a therapist. She said, "You're not in the business of 'fixing' people." 

Although I recognize this to be wise advice now, I had to adjust my thinking at the time. After all, I got into the mental health profession to help people, but I had to learn that trying to fix people wasn't part of my job.  

Instead, my job was to help clients develop insight and the ability to make changes--if they wanted to make changes.  

Within a short period of time, I learned that what I thought was the best course of action might not be what my clients wanted or needed--and it might not even be the best course of action. 

After all, who was I to say what was best for my clients?  I only saw them for an hour a week which isn't a lot of time compared to the rest of the time they lived their lives away from therapy.

In addition, they often knew what was best for them and they just needed the tools and strategies to get there.

All of this is to say that I understand from my own experience dating back to the mid-1990s how strong an impulse trying to fix others can be. 

I also know how humbling and sad it is to watch some clients make choices that, objectively, aren't good for them but, as adults, this is their right.

How to Stop Trying to Fix People

You might have the best intentions when you want to fix others, but you can't control the adults in your life--not your partner, friends, adult children or other loved ones.

Stop Trying to Fix People and Focus on Yourself

The only person you can change is yourself (see my article: Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself).

The following steps can help you if you think you might have a problem with trying to fix people:

• Awareness: The first step in trying to change a problem is awareness. Specifically, you could benefit from developing self awareness about how you go about trying to change people when they don't want to be changed. In addition, developing self awareness helps you to understand the impact your behavior might be having on the people you care about. If they're telling you they don't want your help to change, listening to them and learning is necessary (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Develop Self Awareness

• Acceptance: It's often hard to accept that you might be the one with the problem. This isn't to say that the person you would like to change doesn't also have a problem and that their problem might be having a negative impact on you. But it's important for you to accept that you can't control other people--even if you think it's for their own good (see my article: Awareness and Acceptance About What You Have Been in Denial About).

Acceptance

• Allow Others to Make Their Own Decisions: When you attempt to control others, even if they're willing to allow you to do it, you disempower them because you haven't allowed them to go through the necessary process to make lasting change, which could include overcoming denial and ambivalence. Even if you could control their change process, they might be going along with your advice just to appease you. But, since their decision hasn't come from deep inside them, the change they make to please you often isn't solid. A change that comes from their own internal motivation (instead of external pressure) is more likely to stick (see my article: Learn to Stop Interfering in Your Adult Children's Lives).

Allow Others to Make Their Own Decisions

• Focus on Yourself: Instead of focusing on how you can fix other people, focus on yourself. Many people who become involved in fixing others do it, in part, because they want an escape from their own problems. Be honest and ask yourself if there are personal issues you have been avoiding and begin to tackle those issues instead.

Focus on Yourself

• Make Your Own Decisions: Even though you might let go of trying to fix others, this doesn't mean that you can't make your own decisions about what's right for you. So, for instance, if your partner refuses to get help for alcoholism and you know it's having a negative impact on your life, you have the right to make a decision about what you want to do about it for yourself. This is often a lot harder for people than trying to fix a spouse, but it's the healthiest and most empowering path for yourself (see my article: Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes a Decision in Time).

Getting Help in Therapy

A pattern of trying to fix others often starts at an early age and it becomes a lifelong pattern of behavior.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with letting go of trying to fix and control others, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to develop the necessary tools and strategies to change (see my article: Why Do People Go to Therapy?)

Getting help in therapy to change this pattern of behavior can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to make changes (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship?

How do you know if you're in an unhealthy relationship?  Being objective about whether or not your relationship is healthy for you can be complicated when you're in love and sexually attracted to someone. 

You might overlook certain red flags in your relationship.  This is especially true if you were raised in a family where there was a high level of dysfunction and conflict. 

    See my articles: 

Relationships: Are You Attracted to People Who Hurt You?

Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

Choosing Healthier Relationships

How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship?

To avoid getting into an unhealthy relationship, it's important to date someone long enough to get to know him or her before you both decide that you're in a committed relationship (see my article: Dating vs. Being in a Relationship: Taking the Time to Get to Know Each Other).

Signs That You're in an Unhealthy Relationship
Here are some red flags to be aware of:

• Excessive Jealousy:  If you know that you've been faithful to your partner, but your partner exhibits excessive jealousy or s/he is accusing you of cheating, this is a significant red flag that your partner is insecure and possessive and that you're in an unhealthy relationship.  This type of problem rarely, if ever, gets better on its own (see my article: Overcoming the Jealousy and Insecurity That's Ruining Your Relationship).

• Controlling Behavior: Related to excessive jealousy, your partner might not exhibit controlling behavior at first, but this can develop later on in the relationship.  Controlling behavior includes your partner telling you where you can go, who to socialize with, when to come home, what to wear, and so on.  This type of behavior tends to get worse over time, so if your partner is trying to control you, you know you're in an unhealthy relationship (see my articles: Relationships: Is It Kindness or Controlling Behavior?).

• Problems With Anger Management: If your partner has problems controlling his or her temper, this is a sign that you're in an unhealthy relationship, especially if your partner refuses to get help.  Problems with anger management include problems with verbal and/or physical aspects of anger management (shouting, making demeaning remarks, breaking things, threatening you, threatening people who are close to you, and so on).

• Emotional Blackmail:  If your partner uses emotional blackmail to control you, this is a sign that you're in a dysfunctional relationship.  For instance, if you and your partner get into an argument and, to get back at you, s/he stops speaking to you, this is emotional blackmail.  This is not the same as when a partner needs a temporary time out to regroup and then comes back to discuss whatever you were disagreeing about.  This is a deliberate form of manipulation to punish you or to get his or her way (see my article: Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Blackmail).

• Gaslighting/Manipulation: When someone uses gaslighting, s/he is attempting to deliberately manipulate you to make you think that you're the problem.  When someone engages in gaslighting, s/he knows that s/he is attempting to manipulate.  It's not just a matter that s/he has a different opinion from the partner.  People who engage in gaslighting are often narcissistic and some of them are sociopathic.  This is a sure sign that you're in an unhealthy relationship (see my article: Are You Being Gaslighted?).

• Addiction: If your partner is abusing substances or engaging in other addictive behavior and s/he refuses to get help, you're in an unhealthy relationship.  Addictive behavior includes excessive drinking, abusing drugs, compulsive gambling, compulsive overspending, sexual compulsivity, compulsive overeating, and so on (see my article: Recovery: Understanding Cross Addiction - Substituting One Addiction For Another).

• Codependent Behavior: Codependent behavior occurs when one or both partners enable the other's unhealthy behavior.  A typical example of this would be if a partner makes excuses for his or her partner's addictive behavior.  This is a sign of an unhealthy relationship and both people need to be willing to work on their issues in therapy to develop healthier ways of relating to each other (see my article: Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First).

• Secrecy and/or Lying: If you're in a relationship with someone who is secretive and doesn't share what's going on with him or her emotionally and socially and/or your partner lies to you, you're in an unhealthy relationship.  This is another problem that doesn't usually change without help (see my articles: Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship? and When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship: Lies of Omission).

• Infidelity: If your partner is cheating on you and s/he refuses to get help in therapy, you're in an unhealthy relationship.  Aside from the emotional pain that infidelity causes, it also creates mistrust and it's often hard to get trust back.  This is not to say that everyone should leave a partner who cheated.  Some couples are able to work through infidelity in individual therapy or in couples therapy.  But if your partner refuses to get help, there is little to no chance that your trust can be restored (see my article: Gaslighting and Infidelity).

• Physical, Emotional and Sexual Abuse: Any form of physical, emotional or sexual abuse is unacceptable and a definite sign that you're in an unhealthy relationship.  Abuse often escalates and gets worse over time.  Your primary concern should be your own safety and well-being.

The items on the above list are some of the most significant signs that you're in an unhealthy relationship, but there might be other signs as well.

Conclusion
I believe that most people know deep down when they're in an unhealthy relationship, but they choose to overlook red flags for any number of reasons.  Denial can also be a strong defense mechanism with regard to not wanting to see the red flags.

Sometimes, people who overlook red flags don't feel good about themselves and they believe that if they let go of the relationship that they're in, they won't find another relationship.  Other people engage in wishful thinking that things will get better on their own, but that rarely happens without help (see my article: Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you think you're in an unhealthy relationship and you're having problems recognizing it or taking steps to preserve your own well-being, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Getting help in therapy from an objective clinical professional is an important first step to taking care of yourself and making important decisions for yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Is Your Partner's Behavior Kindness or Controlling Behavior?

I've written about relationship issues in prior articles (see my articles: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship and Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable).  In this article, I'm focusing on the difference between kindness vs. controlling behavior (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Behavior That No Longer Works For You: Controlling Behavior).

Relationships: Kindness or Controlling Behavior?

Over the years, I've met many individual adults and couples where the issue of kindness vs. controlling behavior has come up.  Usually, one or both partners in a relationship weren't sure if what they were experiencing from their partner was kindness, controlling behavior or some combination of the two.

Fictionalized Vignette:  Relationships - Kindness or Controlling Behavior
The following fictionalized vignette is an example of this problem and how psychotherapy can help:

Sara and John
Sara and John, who were together for a year, came to couples therapy because they were having disagreements about what Sara saw as John's controlling behavior and what John saw as his being kind to Sara.

Six months into their relationship, Sara took a job where she had to travel internationally a few times a month.

When Sara began traveling, John asked her to provide him with all the information regarding her flights, arrival time, and hotel.  He also asked her to call call or text him when her plane landed.

At first, Sara wasn't completely comfortable with John's request, but she didn't want John to worry, so she provided him with the information beforehand and would usually call him or send a text message to him when her plane landed.

But there were a few times when she was with colleagues and they were in a hurry to get to a meeting with a customer, so she didn't have time to text John immediately.

She felt she always tried to be considerate of him, so she didn't delay more than 10-15 minutes.  But, when she couldn't reach him immediately, by the time she turned on her phone, she already had a few panicky text messages from John wondering if she was okay.

During those times, John would also call her at the same time that she was texting him, and she didn't have privacy to talk because she was with her colleagues.

After this happened a few times, Sara tried to explain to John that she would always try to text or call as soon as she could, but when he panicked and she had to try to calm him down, he was adding to the stress she was already experiencing on the trip.

John told Sara that he felt hurt that she was experiencing him as adding to her stress when, from his perspective, he was being kind and caring.  He said he didn't want to be controlling.  He cared about her and he just wanted to make sure that she was safe.

Since they were getting nowhere on their own with these arguments, they decided to go to couples therapy.

During their couples therapy sessions, Sara told John and their therapist that she appreciated that John cared about her, but she couldn't understand why he needed to be contacted immediately.  She explained that she was often with senior managers on these business trips, and she didn't always have privacy to try to calm John down when he panicked.

She also expressed feeling confused and annoyed that John felt the need to be contacted immediately when nothing bad had ever happened on her business trips.  She couldn't understand his behavior, and she felt it was a boundary issue between them.

As John listened to Sara during their couples therapy sessions, over time he was able to acknowledge that he worried excessively when Sara traveled, and he wasn't sure why.

Sara told their therapist that, other than these business trips, John didn't try to keep tabs on her at any other time.  He never questioned when she went out with friends or went to business meetings locally.

John said that he tried to stay calm, but 10 minutes or so before he knew Sara's plane was about to land, he would become highly anxious.

By arrival time, he was on the verge of a panic attack imaging all the things that could have gone wrong.  So, he felt he needed to hear from Sara immediately when the plane landed to help him to calm down.

Relationships: Kindness or Controlling Behavior?

When he looked back on those times when he was calm, he acknowledged that, even though he still felt that he was being kind, his behavior was excessive, but he didn't know how to calm himself once he began to panic (see my article: Tips For Coping With Panic Attacks).

During one of their couples therapy sessions, John revealed to Sara for the first time that he had a history of panic disorder, and even as a child, he worried excessively whenever his father traveled on business.  He feared that something catastrophic would occur and he would never see his father again.

Since his father was self employed, he was usually on his own, and it wasn't a problem for to call John from his hotel to let him know he landed safely.  All the while, until John got his father's call, he imagined the worst.  But once he received the call, he calmed down.

John said that his parents never took him to see a psychotherapist when he was a child because they thought he was "outgrow" his anxiety.  But he never did and it was a problem in his prior relationships before he met Sara.

John said he felt deeply ashamed of his panic attacks and, as an adult, his shame got in the way of his getting help in therapy.  Even when he was talking about this with Sara and their therapist, his face was red and he didn't make eye contact (see my article: Healing Shame in Psychotherapy).

Since John eventually acknowledged that he had a problem, the couples therapist recommended that John see an individual psychotherapist to work on his anxiety and panic attacks while he and Sara worked in couples therapy to try to resolve these issues in their relationship.

The couples therapist also taught John a few techniques to calm himself when he felt a panic attack coming on (see my articles: Developing Coping Strategies and Internal Resources).

But she said that there were probably deeper issues involved that he would need to work on with an individual psychotherapist.

After John had a few individual sessions to give his family history, his individual psychotherapist recommended that they use a clinical hypnosis technique called the "Affect Bridge" to try to get to the root of his problem.

When they used the Affect Bridge, John remembered overhearing his grandfather talk about a plane accident where the grandfather lost his best friend.

When the grandfather was telling the story to John's parents, none of them knew that John was nearby listening to the conversation, so they talked about the accident in a detailed way that they would not have if they knew that four-year old John was listening to them.

Afterwards, John and his individual psychotherapist talked about what came up during the Affect Bridge.  He said he had completely forgotten about that memory and he was amazed that it was at the root of his panic attacks when Sara traveled.

His individual therapist explained that John was getting emotionally triggered whenever Sara traveled abroad and his fears stemmed from that earlier memory.

She explained that, even though John didn't witness the plane accident that his grandfather talked about, the story was told in such vivid detail that it was almost as if John had witnessed it and he became traumatized by it (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: When the Past is in the Present).

His individual psychotherapist recommended that they use EMDR Therapy to help John to overcome the trauma that was getting triggered whenever Sara traveled.

Gradually, as John processed the memory of hearing his grandfather's tragic story, he began to be able to separate out that memory from the times when Sara traveled (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma: Separating "Then" From "Now").

In the meantime, Sara felt much more compassionate towards John after she realized he was getting triggered.  She told John in their couples therapy that she now understood why he would become so upset.

Until John could work through the original trauma that was getting triggered, Sara continued to call or text John so he wouldn't worry.  But when she couldn't contact him immediately, John used the techniques he learned in his therapy to stay calm.

Relationships: Kindness or Controlling Behavior?

Over time, when John worked through the original trauma with EMDR therapy, he no longer kept tabs on when Sara's plane landed and he no longer panicked.

After a while, when he was no longer symptomatic, John told Sara that it was no longer necessary for her to contact him--he could wait to hear from her whenever it was convenient for her.

Conclusion
Sometimes, it's difficult to distinguish between kindness and controlling behavior.

There are times when what is meant to be kind also has elements of controlling behavior.  Sometimes, there are more than just elements--it's mostly controlling behavior and the person who is engaging in it has little to no insight into it.

The vignette above is one example of this kindness vs. controlling behavior.

There are many other examples:

• The parents who tend to show up at their adult child and spouse's home without calling ahead to see if it's convenient for them because they want to see them--even though this feels intrusive to their adult child or the spouse.  If couple tries to set a boundary with the parents, the parents feel offended because, from their perspective, they're just trying to be "nice." Then, the adult child and the spouse feel guilty for hurting the parents (see my article: Setting Boundaries With Family Members Who Want to Interfere in Your Relationship and Learn to Stop Interfering in Your Adult Child's Relationship).

• The friend, who tends to want to help by giving unsolicited advice, and then gets angry when the friend with the problem tries to set a boundary with her (see my article: Friendships: Losing a Friend After Giving Advice).

• The overprotective boss who gets involved in her employees' personal problems and tries to resolve these problems.  When an employee, who feels the boss is being intrusive, tells the boss tactfully that she doesn't want to talk to her about it, the boss becomes offended.  From her perspective, she only wants to help.

And so on.

Getting Help in Therapy
Although you have a right to set boundaries with the other people, setting boundaries can be difficult, and these situations aren't always easy to work through on your own, especially if the person who thinks s/he is being kind takes offense to boundary setting.

If you find yourself in this type of situation and you've been unable to resolve it on your own, a skilled psychotherapist can help you to discern what's going on and how to deal with it (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, you could get help from a licensed mental health professional, who has experience assisting clients to overcome these problems.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail is a term that was coined by a psychotherapist, Susan Forward.  Basically, emotional blackmail is a form of manipulation where one person is trying to control and manipulate another person through guilt, threats, or by instilling fear or a sense of obligation (see my articles: Why Emotional Abuse Might Feel "Normal" to You and The Effect of Growing Up With a Parent Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder.

Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail usually occurs between people who have an intimate relationship, like parent-child, a married couple, two siblings, close friends and so on.

When emotional blackmail works, the person who is being controlling intimidates the person who is being controlled.  The intimidation is usually of an emotional nature, but it can also be physical (threats to the person being controlled or threats of self harm by the controller).

This dynamic often becomes a cycle that begins with the controlling person trying to get something s/he wants by manipulating the person s/he is trying to control.

The person who is being controlled might recognize the manipulation, but s/he wants to avoid the feared consequences of not giving in, so s/he acquiesces to the controller, and this becomes the dynamic between them.

Breaking the cycle of emotional blackmail is often challenging, especially if this dynamic has been going on for a while.  It is especially challenging if the person who is being controlled was in this role as a child and, as an adult, chooses people who are manipulative and controlling.

Fictional Vignette:  Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Blackmail

Amy
Amy grew up as the youngest of five children raised by a single mother.  She never knew her father.

Since she was much younger than her siblings, they were already out of the house by the time she started school, leaving her to deal with her mother, who was depressed and angry.

Amy tried to please her mother in every way she could because she feared that her mother would fall apart or harm herself if Amy didn't go along with whatever her mother wanted (see my article: Ambivalence and Codependency in Mother-Daughter Relationships and The Role of the Family Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families).

Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Blackmail

Her mother made a suicidal gesture when Amy was 10.  While in a drunken stupor, she told Amy that she took a handful of pills because she was unhappy about being alone so much of the time when Amy went out to play with her friends.

Shocked and trembling, Amy called 911 and waited with her mother while the EMTs came.  While she was waiting for the EMTs, Amy blamed herself for not giving into her mother's wish that Amy stay home with her rather than go out with friends.  She blamed herself for her mother's unhappiness and made a vow to herself that she would try to please her mother from that time on (see my article: Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

The EMTs brought Amy's mother to the hospital emergency room, but she was discharged the same afternoon because she hadn't taken enough pills to harm herself.

The hospital psychiatrist suspected that Amy's mother had borderline personality disorder.  He offered to make a referral to a local outpatient mental health center, but Amy's mother rejected the referral.  At that point, the psychiatrist told the mother that if she showed up again at the ER under similar circumstances, he would contact the State bureau of child welfare to investigate the situation at home.

After her mother was discharged, she seemed like a completely different person from the person who said she was suicidal only a few hours before.  She told Amy to stop looking so gloomy and offered to take her for an ice cream sundae.

After that day, whenever her mother wanted to get her way, she would remind Amy of the day she took the pills.  This was enough to frighten Amy into giving into her mother.

They lived under very precarious circumstances with Amy's mother losing one job after another.  She would usually start out being an excellent employee and getting along very well with her boss and coworkers, but within a short period of time, she would argue with people at work and she was convinced that they were all out to get her.  At that point, the usual pattern was that her work performance suffered, she took off a lot of days, and she got fired.

After Amy graduated high school, she decided not to go to college because she wanted to work to help with the household bills.  She took a job at the local bookstore.

Amy loved working at the bookstore.  She liked the store owner and her coworkers.  She also liked meeting the people who came to buy books.

She met the man who would eventually become her first boyfriend, John, at the bookstore.  He usually came in a few times a week and would hang around to talk to Amy.

Amy thought John was handsome, intelligent and charming, so when he asked her to go for a drink one day after work, she agreed.  Soon they were dating on a regular basis.

Initially, Amy was afraid that her mother would be lonely when she went out.  But her mother also met a man around that same time, and she was immersed in that relationship so Amy didn't have to worry about staying home with her mother to keep her company.

Several months later, Amy met John for dinner and he told her that he quit his job at the publishing company where he had been working for a year.  He felt he was unappreciated and underpaid.  He said that even though they tried to persuade him to stay, he decided he couldn't stand to be there another day, so he left.

Amy was shocked and asked John what he would do.  He told her that he wasn't worried.  He said he had lots of contacts in the publishing world and, with his skills, he would get another job as a copy editor in no time.

But as the weeks and months passed, John was unable to find another job, and he was running through his savings.  There were times when he asked Amy for money to pay his rent, and he didn't know when he could pay her back.

By that time, they were spending most of their time in John's apartment, and Amy became aware that John was drinking a lot.

In the past, she wondered if he had a drinking problem because she noticed some empty liquor bottles in the recycle bin, but she dismissed this idea because she never saw John drunk.

But after John was out of work for six months, he would come to the bookstore to see Amy reeking of alcohol.  Amy noticed that bookstore owner kept a watchful eye on John, and her coworkers avoided him.

One day when he came to get Amy after work, he was so drunk that he was weaving down the street. Although he refused to talk to her about his drinking in the past, Amy decided to bring it up again because she could see that his drinking was getting worse.

John brushed aside Amy's concerns as they entered into his apartment.  He was silent for a long time, and then he looked away, as if he was embarrassed, and told her that he needed to borrow more money from her.

Amy hesitated.  John already owed her over $2,000.  She was saving her money to buy Christmas presents for her mother, her siblings and John.  If she lent John more money, she would be taking it from savings.

When Amy hesitated, John slammed his hand against the kitchen table, "Goddammit!  I need the money!  You have to help me!"

Amy tried to explain her dilemma, but John interrupted her, "You say you're 'so concerned' about me.  You say you're concerned that I'm drinking too much.  Well, what do you think will happen if I get thrown out into the street because I can't pay my rent!  Do you think that would make things better!?!"

Amy didn't want John to be evicted from his apartment so, reluctantly, she gave him the money.  She rationalized to herself that her new promotion to a managerial position at the bookstore would substantially increase her salary and she would replace the money she lent John.

She also tried to persuade John to take a temporary office job that his friend offered him and that he turned down.  She told him that, until he finds a job that he really wants, if he took the temporary job, at least he would be earning some money.

John was pouring himself one drink after the next, and he was quite drunk at that point.  He raged at Amy for even suggesting that he should take a job that he considered beneath him, "How could you even suggest such a thing!?!"

Amy trembled in fear because she thought John was going to get up and hit her.  But he sank back into the couch and continued to drink and, soon after that, Amy went home.

None of Amy's friends liked John.  They thought he was narcissistic and manipulative.  They were mostly concerned that he was going to drag Amy down with him.  So, Amy didn't feel she could talk to her friends because they would just tell her to leave him.  And she couldn't talk to her mother because her mother spent most of her time at her boyfriend's place, so she was hardly around.

Everyone that Amy knew who knew John had a bad opinion of him.  She knew she needed to speak to someone who was impartial and objective, so she began therapy (see my article: Why Is It That It's Usually the Healthiest Person in a Family Who Goes to Therapy?).

Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Blackmail: Getting Help in Therapy

Soon after she started therapy, Amy became aware that John was manipulating her in much the same way that her mother manipulated her since Amy was a child.  Her therapist called it "emotional blackmail."

Over time, Amy admitted to herself and her therapist that she knew that John had serious emotional problems and she wasn't going to be able to rescue him.  She was also getting tired of his demands for money and his refusal to help himself.

At first, she tried to avoid him by making excuses as to why she couldn't see him.  But he would wait for Amy outside and try to persuade her to come back to his apartment.

One day, when he was drunk and frustrated with her excuses, he shouted at her in the street, "Why are you doing this to me!?!  Are you trying to destroy me!?!"

People on the street turned around to look at them, and Amy felt embarrassed.  Based on the work that she was doing with her therapist, Amy knew that John was trying to manipulate her by making a scene in the street.

She knew that he thought she would do anything to get him to be quiet--including go back with him to his apartment, watch him drink and then lend him more money.  But she was fed up and she had built up enough courage, confidence and self respect in therapy to quietly tell John, "You can shout all you want, but you're not going to control me any more."

John was stunned and stopped in his tracks, but Amy kept walking.  A few seconds later, she could hear him yelling at her from down the street, "Yeah, that's right!  Keep walking! What do you care what happens to me now that you think you're a big shot manager!  You were nothing when I met you.  You're nothing now."

Amy kept walking as if she was in a dream, and she could hear John still shouting down the block, but his voice was fading the further away she got (see my article: Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships).

She continued to work in therapy to deal with the emotional aftermath of breaking up with John.  Although she never ran into him again, she feared he might wait for her outside the bookstore.

Amy and her therapist also worked on the original emotional blackmail in her life--her relationship with her mother.

Her mother was about to move in with her boyfriend and so she had little time for Amy.  But Amy knew that if her mother's relationship ever ended, she would be emotionally and financially dependent upon Amy again, which Amy didn't want.

She and her therapist worked on helping Amy to overcome the emotional trauma that she went through as a child with her mother (Overcoming the Traumatic Events of Childhood Trauma).

They also worked on Amy moving out and getting her own place.

Six months later, when her mother ended the relationship with her boyfriend and wanted to Amy all to herself again, Amy was able to set a healthy boundary with her mother and deal with her mother's angry threats.

By then, Amy already had her own place, so it was easier for her to set this boundary with her mother (see my article: Overcoming Dysfunctional Ways of Relating in Your Family and Freeing Yourself From Family Expectations That Are Harmful to You).

Working through these issues was difficult, but Amy was beginning to feel that she deserved to be treated better (see my article: Overcoming the Need to Be Everyone's Caretaker).

Conclusion
Emotional blackmail can start in early childhood, which primes the individual to unconsciously seek out people as an adult where there will be a similar dynamic.

Parents who use emotional blackmail often, consciously or unconsciously, choose the most vulnerable child in the family who will respond to manipulation.

If someone has a long history of being manipulated by emotional blackmail, this type of dynamic might seem "normal" to him or her.

Breaking the cycle of emotional blackmail can be very difficult to do without getting help in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
Having to choose between taking care of yourself or taking care of the person who is emotionally blackmailing you can be a daunting choice.

The person who uses emotional blackmail is usually very skilled at manipulating and causing the person s/he wants to control to feel guilty and, over time, s/he will continue to up the ante.

If you're feeling stuck in a situation where you're being emotionally blackmailed, you could benefit from seeking help from a skilled psychotherapist, who can help you to break the cycle of emotional blackmail.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

You usually don't get to really know someone that you're seeing until you've been with them for a while.  During the initial "honeymoon" stage of the relationship, everything might seem like it's going well.  

But with increased emotional intimacy, core emotional issues begin to come up, and that's when there might be signs that you're in a toxic relationship. 

See my article: 

Are Your Fears of Being Alone and Lonely Keeping You in an Unhealthy Relationship?

Letting Go of an Unhealthy Relationship

Falling In Love With Mr. Wrong Over and Over Again

Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships

Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

• Controlling Behavior: What might appear to be concern at first might actually be controlling behavior.  If you're romantic partner needs to always know where you are, whom you're with or makes attempts to control your behavior in other ways, this is a red flag for a toxic relationship.

• Excessive Jealousy:  This often goes along with controlling behavior.  Initially, it might come across as your partner being so in love with you, but excessive jealousy has nothing to do with love--it has all to do with your partner's insecurity.

• Excessive Judgment and Criticism: Your partner might mask signs of excessive judgment and criticism as "suggestions," but if these so-called suggestions undermine your sense of self worth, it's another red flag that you're in a toxic relationship.  This often goes along with controlling behavior and excessive jealousy (see my article: Is Your Relationship Damaging Your Self Esteem?).

• Emotional Abuse: Excessive judgment, criticism, name calling, efforts to undermine your self esteem are forms of emotional abuse.  If your partner exhibits these behaviors, you're being emotionally abused.  Needless to say, physical abuse is dangerous and if your partner is physically abusing you, you should get out of that relationship as soon as possible (see my article: Relationships: Why Emotional Abuse Might Seem "Normal" to You).

Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

• Lack of Emotional Support:  If your partner tends to be unable to be there for you emotionally when you're going through a hard time, this is a sign that you're not getting the emotional support that you need and you're probably in a toxic relationship.

• Taking and No Giving: Related to lack of emotional support is the romantic partner who tends to want to take emotional support from you but who is unwilling to give you emotional support.  If you're in this situation, your relationship is one-sided and toxic.

• Constant Drama: Constant drama can be emotionally and physically draining.  There are often other underlying issues going on that you might never figure out.  In any case, emotional drama requires a lot of effort and attention and it often accomplishes nothing.  This is a sign that you're in an unhealthy, toxic relationship (see my article: Hooked on Emotional Drama: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster).

• Constant Disappointment: If your romantic partner is unable to keep promises and commitments, you're going to be constantly disappointed.  This is a sign that your partner isn't emotionally reliable, and it's a bad sign for a relationship (see my article: Keeping or Breaking Your Promises).

• Constant Lies, Including Lies of Omission:  Few things are worse for a relationship than dealing with constant lies.  Lies, including lies of omission, are toxic and can erode a relationship quickly (see my article: When Trust Breaks Down in Relationships: Lies of Omission).

These are some of the major red flags for a toxic relationship.

As I mentioned earlier, these signs usually don't show up until the relationship has become more emotionally intimate because intimacy tends to bring up core issues for people.

Getting Help in Therapy
Recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship is the first step.  Knowing what to do after you recognize these signs is another matter.

It's possible that, even though you recognize these signs, you're ambivalent about getting out of the relationship--even though you know it's unhealthy for you.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand what keeps you stuck in an unhealthy relationship and how to take care of yourself (see my articles:  The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Struggling on your own can make you feel worse about yourself.

Rather than struggling on your own or relying on friends who tell you unhelpful things like, "Just get out!," get help from an experienced psychotherapist who has helped other clients to overcome this issue.  Not only will you resolve your problem, but you'll feel better about yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Related Articles
Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices

The Problem With Trying to Change or "Improve" Your Romantic Partner

Relationships: I'll Change Him/Her After We Get Married.

Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies that No Longer Work for You: Controlling Behavior

In prior blog posts, I addressed avoidant and passive coping strategies as maladaptive strategies that usually do not work by the time we become adults. I mentioned that these maladaptive coping strategies usually develop from a combination of individual temperament and early home environment. In this blog post, I will focus on controlling behavior as a maladaptive coping strategy.

What Are the Signs of Controlling Behavior?
Just like any other type of behavior, controlling behavior is very individual and it will manifest in a variety of ways. Similarly, controlling behavior is on a continuum from moderate to severe.

Controlling Behavior

People who are moderately controlling will try to control some aspects of their lives and the lives of those around them, but they realize that they can't control everything. Often they will respond to others' discomfort with their controlling behavior by backing off--at least for a while.

People who are severely controlling have a need to control or micromanage nearly everything. In most severe cases, when others around them express their discomfort, people who are severely controlling become angry. In some cases, they might become violent.

In both cases, controlling behavior often stems from underlying anxiety, fear, or insecurity.

The following fictionalized vignette, which is not about any one particular person, is an example of moderately controlling behavior:

Ruth:
Ruth grew up in a household that was almost always on the verge of chaos. She was the oldest of six children. Her mother, who stayed at home, tended to be very anxious and overwhelmed most of the time. Her father spent long hours at the office, leaving the mother to take care of the children and the household.

By the time she was 10, Ruth was helping her mother to prepare meals, do the wash, and take care of chores around the house. Since her mother tended to be in a state of high anxiety most of the time, this caused Ruth to feel anxious and insecure too.

By the time Ruth was married with children, she tried to make a lot of decisions for her husband and her teenage children, which caused friction in the household. Often, when she and her husband went out to dinner, she would order his meal for him, even before he had a chance to look at the menu. Whenever her husband pointed out to her that he would like to order his own meals, Ruth would realize that she overstepped her bounds and she would apologize. Similarly, when she continued to choose clothes for her 19 and 20 year old daughters, who still lived at home, and they told her that they wanted to make their own choices, she backed off. But even though Ruth backed off, in both instances, not being in control of these situations made Ruth feel anxious. It wasn't until she began psychotherapy to deal with these issues that she realized that she had underlying family of origin issues and her own temperament that caused her to develop this maladaptive coping style.

The following fictionalized scenario is an example of the other end of the spectrum of controlling behavior, severe controlling behavior:

Henry:
When Henry was 18, he moved out of his family's household to get away from his abusive father. For most of his life, he grew up witnessing his father hit his mother. He also witnessed his mother's passive response. He thought his father was a tyrant--always wanting to control every aspect of their lives.

Henry vowed to himself that he would never be like his father. He quit high school, got his GED, began working, and got his own apartment.

In his early 20s, Henry began dating a young woman, Linda, that he really liked. After a few months, they decided to date each other exclusively. At first, their relationship was going well. But after a while, as Henry got closer to Linda, he began asking her to let him know where she was going and with whom. At first, Linda was flattered because she thought this meant that Henry really cared about her. Whenever they went to a restaurant, Henry ordered for Linda. Initially, Linda felt he was being chivalrous, and she liked this.

After a while, Linda got tired of having to answer questions all of the time about where she was going and with whom, and she wanted to order her own food when they went out. Whenever Linda tried to talk to Henry about all of this, he refused to talk about it.

One day, when Linda brought this up again, Henry felt like he was going to explode. As Linda continued to insist that they talk about Henry's controlling behavior, Henry lost his temper and he slapped her. Linda was stunned and hurt. Henry was shocked by his own behavior. After that, despite his repeated attempts to apologize to her, Henry could not get through to Linda . She wanted nothing to do with him.

Shortly after that incident, Henry began psychotherapy to understand how and why, despite his vow to himself that he would never become like his father, he had become severely controlling and violent in his relationship--just like his father.

These two vignettes illustrate that, depending upon the person and the circumstances, controlling behavior is on a continuum. I provided examples of moderate and severe controlling behavior with the understanding that there is a wide variety of behavior between those two extremes.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you engage in controlling behavior and it is affecting how you feel about yourself as well as how others feel about you, you're not alone. 

Many individuals and couples come to therapy to work on and resolve these issues. Often, you can work through the underlying issues in psychotherapy and learn new ways of coping so that you're no longer engaging in maladaptive coping strategies.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome maladaptive coping strategies that no longer work for them.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my articles:
Changing Coping Strategies that No Longer Work For You: Controlling Behavior

Coping Strategies that No Longer Work For You: Avoidance